thoughts-and-all-that

[thoughts-and-all-that]

at this point im gonna keep stuffing my hot takes here but im very confused by the b/lge thing lately. like in art

cause people do it cause theyre like 'its realistic! thats how people look down there and its not bad or s/xual for people to draw that!' and im like

what world are you all living in where people have huge b/lges down there sticking out like a bendy straw in a short mug

like im not shaming the art like i fully agree that its fine for people to draw and if theyre proud of it then hell yes but like. you cant tell me thats realistic lol

#again i censor things so they wont show up in peoples searches #i dont want anyone to find these

[thoughts-and-all-that]

people will make a big deal about anything bruh like

'oh yall are r/cist for not caring about this because hes a rapper' no bro i dont care cause its celebrity drama lmaooo

'but its not celebrity drama its blah blah blah' its celebrity drama. theyre two mega famous people and theres something happening between them where one or both are saying or doing bad things to/about the other.

idgaf who they are or what theyre doing, im not wasting my time caring about celebrity drama. i never cared about either of their music. not because theyre rappers, i like rap, but because i just dont care about their music specifically

#this is getting on my nerves because people on my dash wont shut the fuck up about it and reblogging posts saying that stuff #its not racist for me to not give a fuck about celebrity drama #i didnt care about that trial a few years ago either. i dont care about either of those celebrities either. #hot take i guess: something can be important or impactful and not everyone has to care about it. #me not caring doesnt make these things less real or important or impactful or who cares. it just means that im not wasting my time on them #yall can do whatever you want. care about them or not. but that also mean i can do whatever *i* want. which is often not caring #i can usually just ignore these types of posts but then people are accusing people of bigotry for not caring about this?? what??

[thoughts-and-all-that]

you gave me the best weekend of my life, you know.

my dad was going on a business trip in a state that was right next to yours, though i remember it still took you guys 5 hours to drive to the city, and 9 hours for me and my family. isnt it crazy how big this country is? we arent even on the larger half of it, either.

when i first saw you, i was scared. i was paranoid and young, and you were the first person from online i had ever met in person, despite my years of befriending people online. im glad it was you. it couldnt have ever been anyone else.

i was scared maybe i was lied to, that somehow it wasnt you, but i knew it was. i was a scared mentally ill kid and i was in the beginnings of something we both know got worse, and ill never stop being sorry for how i treated you when it did. you never deserved that, and it was never your fault. i shouldnt have done what i did, i shouldnt have.

i remember that first while was awkward, but itd be weird if it wasnt, right?

our first stop had to have been the bird sanctuary, i believe. so many birds of all kinds, and there was even bats! both of our favorite animals in one building, though i dont think the specific breeds we loved. that was okay. it was my first and only time seeing my favorite animal in person, it was amazing.

i remember there was a flying simulator in there, a both high budget and low budget game, if that makes sense. i mean, we had to lay on a t shaped person sized controller, which was wild! but the actual graphics of the cityscape we were meant to fly through were low quality. it was amazing. i remember you crashed, but i didnt. ive always dreamt of being able to fly.

and i remember that the penguin habitat had a dome in the middle that people could climb through a small tunnel into, and we were in there together, and looking at the penguins.

it mustve been that night that you came back to my hotel room, and we watched my favorite show on the couch, using my much too expensive laptop. i remember the deal we made that i didnt keep up my end of, where we watched eachothers favorite shows. im sorry i didnt like yours. i was glad you loved mine.

i dont remember if we saw eachother for most of the next day, i hope we did. the timeline blurs for me, but thats okay, because the timeline isnt what matters.

the boat ride matters. i know i wasnt originally meant to go on it with you guys, but i hope you think of it fondly like i do regardless.

i didnt like really any of the food they put in front of us, but thats not new for me. it only mattered in that single moment when it happened. when dinner was over and everyone was free to go about the boat, we mustve seen so much of it.

your mom and my mom were talking the whole time, trying to keep an eye on us, and taking pictures of us. i hope my mom enjoyed the boat ride, she didnt get to have many experiences like that the last few years of her life. i hate that that only happened 3 years before she died, and its been almost 6 years for me. time is a curse.

we kept trying to avoid them at the time, of course. we were teenagers on a trip away from our homes on a boat ride together down a river, we didnt want our moms watching us. we had to keep traveling about until they finally stopped watching, and it led us to sitting on the top deck, staring off of into the beautiful night lights of that mountain city.

i even remember that at some point the announcer pointed out an abandoned asylum against the river, and we thought it was one that was featured on our favorite ghost hunting show, though i now believe that it wasnt, as when i tried to find it later, i couldnt find that episode. i love the excitement we had, though.

we talked so much, in our special way. i remember i even asked you such a silly question, if people could walk on water when time is stopped. they definitely cant, but we made a whole thing of it.

we even kissed a few times.

at some point we traveled back to the main hall, and it was empty except for the guy in charge of the music. we cuddled together on a seat against the window, watching the city go by. i remember i had you ask if he had any songs from one of my favorite artists, though he only had her most popular song, which i guess makes sense.

i dont think my mom wouldve been upset if she had seen us, but i know your mom wouldve been. does she still not know youre queer? she doesnt need to know, anyway.

you had to go back home after that night, and thats okay. i missed you so much when you did, and all i did for the remainder of the trip was sit in my hotel room and play on my laptop.

maybe its simple looking back, maybe youve had better times since, but for me it was everything. it still is, but only because ive never had better.

i still think of you when i hear breakup songs and think of relationships, even though we never dated. never the angry ones, i promise.

i know youve moved on, and im glad you have. youve been with him for a while, and i hope that means he treats you well. you deserve to be treated well.

i havent moved on because ive been stuck in the past in so many ways for years. when you started talking to me again a few months ago, it drove me insane for the first few weeks, but ive gotten better since. ive been dealing with my past a lot lately, trying to heal.

not heal from you, of course. you never did really anything to hurt me, it was all me. there was only one thing you ever said, but it was my fault it even came up. i know you dont even feel that way anymore.

i feel bad for my future partners, i wonder if they can even top that, honestly. i hope they do, because it would be weird if i constantly compared them to a relationship i had when i was a teenager, but i just wonder. i also dont want to have peaked back then.

but really, regardless of all of that, im glad it happened. ive had good memories and ive had tons of bad, but you gave me my best. youre the person ive been closest to in my life, ever. we arent close anymore, and we never can be again the way we used to be, but thats okay. as long as youre happy, thats okay. i hope i can be happy too.

thank you. for everything.

#personal #i dont want my memory to be lost to time #i want my memory to be immortal. to last forever

[thoughts-and-all-that]

what the fuck do you mean

[thoughts-and-all-that]

just remembered the people on a post who were unironically calling me a nazi because i said i hate the 'modern art' thing where people paint a circle on a canvas or tape a banana on a wall and these things sell for sometimes millions of dollars. like, sorry? it just feels like a mockery to the people who spend hours and hours on art that goes unnoticed or unmonetized. also its absolutely rich people nonsense lets be real

also im jewish so it is like. a smack in the face the way that people throw around the word nazi like its a light thing to say

#i also think they were somehow accusing me of wanting to burn art. what?? #i literally make art. idek it was so stupid #this happened probably over a year ago now i havent thought about it since it happened #i dont know why i remembered it at all #this isnt a vent im not upset about it just baffled

[thoughts-and-all-that]

— Carol Rifka Brunt in Tell The Wolves I'm Home

[thoughts-and-all-that]

making this post literally just so the most recent post on the blog isnt a gross one anymore

[thoughts-and-all-that]

just in case, by some miracle, that this is found by someone: WARNING: GROSS!!!!!!

just had a really gross vagına experience! it probably isnt specific to that more like i hope just a general hair thing, but it happened specifically on that area, on the front part anyway, just the skin part.

a few months ago i found a strange black bump on my skin there, but it wasnt like, a bump bump, more like something had grown in my skin and the surface of it was different from my skin, like... embedded. like an embedded gem but it wasnt a gem it was some... thing.

i kept trying to dig at it and take pictures to know what i was dealing with, it was really frustrating cause my camera wouldnt focus, blah blah

and then just now for some reason that area REALLY hurt while i was walking around my house, so i get back to my room in a hurry and see why, still dont know why, but i realized that its been months and that thing was still there, i tried to get more pictures just in case to see if it had changed, it hadnt, and then i finally said FUCK IT even if it hurts im getting whatever it is out of my fucking body, which i know i tried months ago but it didnt work, i had only injured myself instead, but this time it worked!

and it was just... gunk. the tiniest, itty bit of gunk thats been scaring me for months now. i was scared it was those cancer moles people talk about sometimes, but now i think maybe it was just an ingrown hair or something. im hoping so

so anyway that was fucking stupid! time to forget that ever happened forever

#vent

[thoughts-and-all-that]

you can tell im having a mentall illness moment cause an online stranger is DMing me to ask if im okay and i rage quit a server cause someone was being stupid and another person from that server sent me a friend request

im just embarassing myself and i should just. go to sleep already

#vent

[thoughts-and-all-that]

of course when im trying to talk about something that seriously bothers me its someone elses turn to talk about their problems instead. cause my issues dont matter i guess

#vent

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i dont know whats wrong with me

i dont know why everything is so hard

why being with other people is so hard and yet im tortured by being without other people

i wish i knew what was wrong

i would give anything to know what was wrong

#vent #am i adhd am i autistic am i something else #i dont fucking know i dont fucking know i dont fucking know i dont fucking know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i can fart without being scared im gonna shit myself again WOOOO

#vent

[thoughts-and-all-that]

tmi but i am so sick i cant even eat solid foods and i threw up when i tried to

and ive only been able to stomache popsicles and water and.i kinda shit myself a bit but made it to the bathroom and it was all liquid and basically im in hell

oh not to mention im on one of my rare periods and this time its been going on and off again since mid january so im wearing a pad, right?

but its my last pad. and it has shit on it. i cannot change my pad yet.

i.

am.

in.

hell.

#vent #ignore me

[thoughts-and-all-that]

do you know what its like to never let your guard down anymore

#vent

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i feel fine now mostly

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i feel like they all hate me that they know what ive done and they hate me for it that theyre judging me for it that theyre going to hate me forever i dont know whats wrong with me i dont know why im like this why i cant change or get better or stop being stupid and horrible its just rhat they wont SHUT UP and leave me alone all i want is to be left alone im sick of everyone why cant everyone just be what i want or just leave me alone forever im suffering forever and always and its all everyone elses fault but its also my fault BUT is it really my fault when i cant control myy mind and feelings they just never stop ive done so much ive tried so fucking hard to get better yet im still stuck in this shitty house surrounded by people that dont even understand me and i have no real friends and i dont get to go anywhere and we are so fucking broke anyway and im sick of all of this i just want to start over again but its not as easy as people make it sound when im STILL ME and we are broke so its not like i can just pack up and drive away cause i cant even drive and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO SHUT THE FUCK UP and i dont take back what i said earlier that i hate that person cause all theyve done is cause me stress and be a judgy fucking bitch but whatever i dont care cause theyll be gone soon who fucking cares theyre gonna move out and finally our basement will be empty of people that i feel like theyre listening to everything even though i know the sound is muffled BUT what if it isnt and they hear ALL OF IT and i know im being paranojd and i know im being violent and horrible and mean and judgy and im being everything i cant fucking stand but i dont know how to change all alone im always alone i just want some fucking therapy or some shit like that i just want someone to reach out to me with their hand fully open asking for me to open up and give them everything i just want to spill out of this cursed box thats called a brain i just want to be free i just want to be happy i just want to be left alone to make art and play games and have friends and not have shitty obligations that dont do anything for anyone anyway and im sick of this shitty mentally ill little brain that does nothing for me except for cause me pain but whatever i just have to live with it

I CANT TAKE BACK WHAT IVE DONE AND THATS FUCKING STUPID BUT WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT!!!!!!!! CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT CARE ABOUT EVERYONE WHO HATES ME OR LEFT ME BEHIND OR WHOEVER JUST NEVER FUCKING CARED ABOUT ME AT ALL!!!!!!!! IT TOTALLY DOESNT FUCKING HURT!!!!!!!!!!! IM NOT SORRY AT ALL THAT SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH ME AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS OR WHY OR HOW TO STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just want to be left alone. i just want to be happy. i just want to be free. i dont have any of that. i cant have any of that. too many people wont just leave me alone. nothing makes me happy anymore except for in small doses that are easily interrupted. i cant drive, i dont have money, i dont have anyone to run off into the world with that knows me and loves me completely despite how messed up i can be. my life is my hell and i am my own satan and yet im a human who was sent to hell at the same time

whatever. nothing even makes sense and i guess im not as far along in recovery as i thought. maybe i should submit myself to a hospital soon like i keep saying i will but never doing. im just scared that its going to be as bad as people always say those places are but ive also heard they can be so helpful and i just dont know what to believe

i wont do anything in the end. ill just sit in this bedroom and rot away probably. whatever. just leave me alone.

#vent #ignore me

[thoughts-and-all-that]

i hope that stupid cunt fucks off and dies

#vent #the one whos supposedly supposed to be the more stressful one isnt #but the one whos supposedly normal and nice is the one whos only ever given me stress #literally only ever given me stress and been all up in peoples business and been judgy as fuck #definitely going to be a fucking soccer mom when her kid grows older #gonna be that bitch at pta meetings that everyone fucking hates #i feel bad for her daughter cause both her parents are selfish pricks #i cant wait for them to move out of this fucking house soon. cant come soon enough literally at all #sick of their fucking bitchy presences in my life #bunch of spoiled fucking brats they are