thespotofshame - Tumblr blog

thespotofshame · 2 years

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Dead end.

Doing anything and everything to be enough to not hurt others, in an endless loop of hurting myself. If I could I would do anything and everything to help make the people I love happy. since my desperate attempt to help myself has failed over and over again. I would never want anyone to ever feel the way I do, even if I hated them. I wish people understood that the only way I could do good for them if is I was a thought and not an abuse becomes an abuser case walking. So I drink to run away from the truth and the pain of how this horrible diagnosis has changed me. but now it’s been three years. A desperate attempt to be “myself” again. But I’m not her anymore, losing myself and changing into the exact person that I didn’t want to be and raised to not be. My parents struggling to prevent me from falling in the same slippery slope they did, but failing, completely. why is it my fault.

The instant relief of the burning sensation going down my esophagus into my stomach, the rush of dopamine. The most amazing feeling I’ve ever felt. Something that is going to keep me sane, like my dreams came true. Self medication that’s not pills that doctors shove down my throat to make me a functioning human of society, they help but don’t actually solve anything. A whole new world and experience for me. The “happiest” I could ever be. It’s not like no one told me that alcohol is bad. I was just young and like something shiny on a shelf I didn’t care about the cost I just wanted it. And I got it. Drink by drink, I swallow pure happiness and a good time that I desperately seek just being happy. I mean is it really that much to ask for.

Drink by drink, it started not working as well. So more. More. More. More. And after three years that I can’t even remember that well I sit on my floor and crack open a can of happiness. I think about how I shake, vomit, feel the worst I’ve ever felt ever in my entire life, just to hurt the people I love violently trying to explain how bad I need to be happy to be able to not be the horrible person I am now without. And when I need more, They tell me no but I don’t take that. I’m getting that drink or I’m… anything to get that drink, I just want that drink. And then I get my way. Happy, still not enough. More. More. More. The human body can only take so much of this “happiness” before lights out. Even if I’m sitting on the bathroom floor throwing up and then grabbing the bottle I can’t keep it in,I just want more, I want to be happy, I just want to be happy. But now I’m stuck. I’ve fallen too far this time. That child is dead. Sweet sweet addiction. All I wanted was to be her again.

Slowly I sit back up against my wall on the floor in a designated spot in my room when I feel shame. I stare at the bottle/can/etc. and think about if I should open it or not. I think to myself “could today be the day, the day to try quitting again.” Minutes and maybe some times hours I can sit there and stare as my mouth waters. But I just have no hope nor self control. I open it, and watch my life fall apart around me. People I love giving up on me, leaving me. Not even getting into failing school completely. Doing the exact opposite of what I intended to do. And now that happiness is simply just dependency, a way out. A way to run away. Everyday, all day. Every night, all night. At the age of 17, I’ve hit my dead end.

My name is ————- ——- ————- and I’m an alcoholic.

#alcohol #alcohlism #self destroy #self depricating #tw self destruction #selfharn #tw self destructive behavior #alcool #thinsbo #abuse cw #abuse tw #child abuse #emotional abuse #substance abuse

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