#wwoww wilford

[worm-moon-eclipse]

Wwoww wilford

6/0

Look, I don't want to punch him, not really. But with everything he's put poor Dark through, he probably deserves it. Plus, a good knock in the skull might be just what he needs to get his brain sorted

#crow answers #ask game #wwoww #wwoww wilford

[wwoww-au]

The Hunt for the Time Wand

[read on AO3]

Dark knocked a couple of times on Abe’s office door before opening it slowly. The head of the department looked up from his desk with his usual semi-concerned smile. Dark wasn’t too happy about being pulled away from their work, but Abe had insisted it was important.

“You wanted to see me?” Dark asked, closing the door behind them. 

“Yes, please, take a seat,” Abe said, gesturing at the chair in front of his desk. Once they had done so, he continued. “I know your last… partnership… didn’t go so well, but—”

“I’m not working with him again,” Dark interrupted, wringing the cane in their hand. Just thinking about their day shadowing Mare made their heart race. Despite the fact that almost two months had passed since then, they still had nightmares about that day. Luckily, it seemed that Mare had recently decided to start avoiding Dark as well. Strange behavior for the detective, but Dark wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“You won’t be working with Mare,” Abe reassured them. “The Committee thought it might help if you were partnered with one of our best Trackers.”

“Trackers?” Dark echoed. They’d heard the term bounced around the Department a handful of times, but no one had ever bothered to explain it to them before.

Abe nodded. “Trackers use their magic to track down magic items, whether the item has been stolen, recently discovered, or even used as an accessory to a crime. Their work is vital to the Department. The only reason you haven’t been assigned one before is that the Time Wand is nearly impossible to track.” Abe pulled a file out of a stack on his desk. “Luckily, we think one of our Trackers might just be up to the task. He’s already managed to pinpoint its current time and location.”

Dark placed their cane to the side and opened the file, letting out an exasperated groan when they saw its contents. They recognized immediately the man smiling flirtatiously up at them from the photo. Illinois Jenkins’ photo winked at them as they made eye contact. Dark quickly closed the file with a glare. 

“I gather you’re already familiar with Illinois?” Abe guessed, taking the file back.

“That’s a word for it,” Dark grumbled. “If leaning over me while I’m working in the Library and constantly flirting with me is ‘familiar.’” They scoffed. “Do I really have to work with him?”

Abe nodded and smiled apologetically. “He’s the only one who will be able to track down the Time Wand.”

Dark dragged their hands down their face. “Fine,” they groaned. “I’m assuming we start tomorrow?”

“Nope, you start today,” Abe corrected. “He’s waiting for you in JJ’s office. You’ll leave as soon as you get there.”

Dark thought for a second, leaning back in their chair. “So if I don’t make it to JJ’s office until tomorrow, we don’t start until tomorrow?” They looked up at Abe with a smirk.

“Dark, please.”

“Fine, fine, I’m going,” Dark huffed, pushing their chair away from the desk. “This better work.”

.

.

Illinois was in the middle of regaling JJ with a likely exaggerated story when Dark entered. JJ looked grateful to see Dark, and Illinois quickly noticed them as well.

“Well if it isn’t my good friend Dark!” Illinois exclaimed, gesturing broadly as he turned to face them. “Long time no see.” The Tracker tipped his wide-brimmed hat.

“First off, we’re not friends,” Dark corrected, “and you saw me two days ago.”

“Much too long,” Illinois teased, giving them a wink. “You know you missed me.”

“I really didn’t,” Dark muttered. To JJ, they added louder, “Where are we going?”

JJ looked grateful to have a chance to speak. “Australia, the 1930s,” he answered. “I doubt you’ll be seeing many other people though, so no need to change into anything else. Unless you want better hiking clothing.”

Dark shook their head. “Let’s just get this over with.”

.

.

It was raining when Dark and Illinois stepped through the portal and into the forest. The trees towered over them but provided little cover from the downpour. Illinois fished a compass out of the satchel on his hip. He waved it vaguely over the both of them, and the rain began to bounce off of an invisible cover over their heads. Illinois tapped the compass a couple more times and a gold dot appeared on its edge. He squinted at the dot and frowned.

“Looks like we’ve got a lot of ground to cover,” Illinois said, turning in the direction the dot pointed. “We’d best get moving now before it gets dark.” There was a mischievous twinkle in the Tracker’s eye as he looked down at Dark. “Get it? Dark? It’s your name, get it?”

Dark tried not to groan. “Let’s just start walking,” they grumbled.

They let Illinois lead the way, pushing aside the undergrowth in their path with a wave of his hand. Dark had to admit, he was a talented wizard. Being able to maintain two spells at once while still being able to use his magic to clear the path ahead was a far off dream for Dark. They were sure they could improve with practice, but practice was not something they had time for. Maybe once they caught Wilford.

Even though Illinois was able to get rid of the undergrowth, the walk was difficult. Dark resorted to using their cane to help them walk, which was a surprisingly rare thing for them. The rain only made things worse, not to mention the spell Illinois was using to keep them dry was only meant for one person, meaning they had to stay uncomfortably close together to keep from getting drenched. At one point, Illinois abruptly stopped, grabbing Dark by the arm. "We have to stop, this rain is making it too hard to do anything," Illinois shouted over the heavy rain. "I think there's a cave around here, we can take cover there."

"How do you know there's a cave nearby?" Dark yelled, quickly following after as Illinois abruptly started walking in a different direction.

"I'm a Tracker, remember?" he said with a smirk. He magically pushed aside a small thicket and entered into a small clearing, where sure enough there was the entrance to a cave. "I'm the best at what I do. After you, Dark." They pushed past him, jogging as to quickly get out of the rain and away from the flirtatious adventurer.

There was nothing remarkable about the cave, it was empty except for some debris that had blown in from the forest outside. It was filled with the sounds of rainwater dripping in from the ceiling and their footsteps echoing through the tunnels. Illinois was quick to follow them into the shelter, dispelling the water from his clothes with a clap of his hands. "This is the perfect place to wait out the storm!" He smiled, obviously congratulating himself for finding the cave in the first place. "I'll build us a fire to keep warm. Unless, of course, you'd rather stay warm by-"

"Don't even finish that sentence." Dark glared at him. They attempted to magically rid the water from their own clothes, but didn’t get nearly as dry as their companion. Illinois simply shrugged and began gathering sticks and leaves off the floor of the cavern. They turned around, looking towards the back of the cave. It stretched so far back, they couldn't see how far it went. They stood there for a moment, taking a couple steps forward towards the tunnel.

"Easy there, tiger," Illinois warned as he watched them from his position, hunched over a makeshift campfire. He snapped his fingers, a small flame igniting at his fingertips. "Don't go wandering off by yourself, now. It's easy for anyone to get lost in caves like these. Well, except for me, of course." He smirked, lighting the fire. 

"I think I hear something," Dark muttered absently. They squinted, trying to make out anything that lay beyond the shadows of the cave.

"Probably just an echo, don't worry about it." Illinois patted the ground next to him. "Come sit by the fire."

"No, it's not an echo. I definitely hear something. It could be Warfstache, I'm checking it out.” Without waiting for an answer, they started walking forward into the cave. They heard Illinois sigh behind them, and soon he appeared at their side with a makeshift torch made from a stick from his fire. 

"You're quite the adventurer, aren't you?" Illinois said in an attempt at small talk. "Do you always run headfirst into possible danger like this?"

"With my job, it's kind of a requirement." They stopped walking as the tunnel split off in two paths. They shushed Illinois as he started to talk, listening close to hear the sound they heard earlier. "This way," they pointed to the left tunnel, quickly rushing into the tunnel.

"Whoa, slow down!" Illinois walked cautiously behind them. "You've got to be careful in caves like these."

"What are you talking ab-" They came to a halt, hearing a loud crack come from below them. The ground shook before completely collapsing, taking Dark with it. They yelped as they plummeted into darkness.

"Dark!" Illinois rushed forward, skidding to his knees beside the edge of the hole. "Are you okay down there?" He held up the torch, illuminating it.

Dark lay at the bottom, gripping the back of their head. "Yeah… I'm fine."

Illinois let out a sigh of relief, before immediately snapping back into his ever-so-charming personality. "I knew you'd fall for me eventually." He smiled and winked at them.

"Do you ever shut up?" they grumbled, pulling their sore body off the rocks. "Just help me out of here." 

"Okay, okay… I'm coming down." Illinois leaped down, landing gracefully next to them. He took their hand with his free one, pulling them to their feet. He smiled at Dark as they set to work pulling their cane from the debris, when his eyes suddenly darted to the side. He turned, holding the torch up to the other side of the hole, revealing another cave entrance. He fished into his bag, pulling out his compass to confirm his suspicions. Sure enough, the gold dot on its face pointed in that direction. "Well, would you look at that! Your slip-up just got us closer to finding the Time Wand!"

"I'm not sure if I should be insulted or not," Dark huffed, glaring at him.

"It was supposed to be a compliment. How about I give you another compliment instead?" Illinois leaned in close. "You are the most handsome and/or beautiful person I've ever met."

Dark stared at him, unamused. They sighed, "Let's keep going."

.

.

The tunnel was cramped, not even enough room for them to walk side by side. Illinois took up the front, holding his torch ahead of him as he led them through the cave. Every so often, the tunnel would split off into multiple paths, but Illinois trekked ahead with absolute certainty. After a few minutes of silent walking, he spoke up. "So, Dark, how'd you land such a good case?"

"Huh?" They didn't look up, too busy trying to keep from tripping on the rocky terrain.

"You know, the Warfstache case." He peered over his shoulder for a moment. "I've been campaigning the Committee for them to put me on the case for who knows how long. And I know I'm not the only one." Dark was well aware of how many people wanted the case, their mind wandering to a certain music wizard. Illinois continued, "So, how'd you do it?"

"Why do you care?"

"Just making small talk," he answered innocently with a shrug. "Who wouldn't want to know how you managed to land a career-making case like this? No offense, but finding a treasure like the Time Wand seems like a lot for an inexperienced wizard such as yourself."

Dark ignored the dig at their inexperience; they were used to getting remarks like that from nearly everyone they met at this point. But something about his words made them stop in their tracks. "Treasure?" they repeated, staring at his back. "Is this all just another treasure hunt to you?"

"No, of course not." Illinois turned to face them, flashing his signature smile. "I'm here to help you find Warfstache. But you can't deny the thrill of uncovering one of the most important relics to wizardkind. Not to mention the fame and fortune you could earn once you bring it back to the Committee-" He held the torch up, finally seeing Dark's scowling face in the firelight. "Come on, don't look at me like that."

“This is a serious case about a dangerous criminal and all you care about is the thrill of it? You don’t know what I’ve had to go through trying to track him down, attempting not to get shot or thrown off a cliff or burnt at the stake, and you’re just going to barge in here to get a shot at the fucking fame and fortune?” Dark’s voice rose steadily, red sparks starting to dance across their fists, knuckles white as they held tight to their cane.

“Well, hey now-“ Illinois attempted to interrupt, raising a hand in a placating manner as he eyed the loose magic coming off of Dark. 

“No, you shut up!” Dark yelled, glaring at Illinois as the magic started to spark more dangerously, some sparks leaping off of them and hitting the floor. “I am sick and tired of you dumb sycophants marching around going on about how wonderful working on this case it, it’s such an opportunity, aren’t I lucky? I’m not doing this for fun, I’m doing this because I have to bring Wilford motherfucking Warfstache to justice!”

Dark's words echoed through the tunnels. The red magic exploded off of them, colliding with the cavern walls and cracking the rock. Dirt and pebbles began to fall from the ceiling. They could barely process Illinois shouting "Watch out!" before they were shoved backwards, barely missing being crushed by a falling boulder. 

Dark regained their bearings as the dust cleared. Rocks now filled the thin tunnel, forming a blockade between them and Illinois. The adventurer was coughing, before clearing his throat and shouting "Are you alright?" His voice was serious, without a hint of humor or flirting.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm alright," they muttered, moving towards the blockage. They lifted a smaller rock from the pile in an attempt to make a way through, but it only caused the pile to shift dangerously towards them. They heaved a great sigh. "What are we going to do?"

"Go back down the tunnel, to the last crossroads we passed," Illinois shouted. "The tunnels should all let out eventually. I'll go on ahead and meet you outside."

"Are you sure?" They looked back down the tunnel they came from, a sinking feeling filling their stomach as they looked into the empty blackness.

"Absolutely!" They could hear the confident smile in Illinois' voice. "I'll see you on the other side, partner." They heard the sound of footsteps fading into the distance.

Dark sucked in a breath, clasping their hand closed. They squeezed their eyes shut, focusing all their energy to their hand. Slowly, they opened their shaking fingers, squinting as a small orb of magic filled the cavern with bright, red light. They took their first steps forward back down the tunnel. They focussed on the light in their hand, both to keep the cave lit and to keep their mind from wandering to wild ideas of what might lurk beyond the shadows.

.

.

The tunnel had been sloping up for some time now, giving Dark hope that they would find the exit soon enough. They quickened their pace, but only for a moment as the mysterious sound from earlier echoing through the tunnel made them stop dead in their tracks. The noise only grew closer and closer. They began to back up, ready to run at the first sign of danger. Suddenly the noise was right in front of them. They held up the glowing orb in their hand to illuminate the whole cavern, finally spying the source of the noise.

A small, chittering monkey.

Dark chuckled to themselves, realizing how frightened they had been by such a silly little thing. They kneeled down in front of it, holding the light out as the monkey cautiously approached with eyes transfixed on the bit of magic. "Hello there, little guy." Dark smiled at the animal, just about relaxed from the tense journey through the tunnels, when it hit them. JJ said the portal was taking them to Australia. There weren't any monkeys in Australia. They looked down at the creature again, only able to mutter, "Well, you're a long way from home, aren't you?"

The monkey simply batted at the magic light a couple times, before a faint whistle rang out through the tunnel. The monkey immediately turned and ran back towards the source of the noise. Dark stood up, briefly contemplating the ridiculousness of what they were about to do before taking off after the monkey. 

As they ran, they realized that the tunnel was slowly getting brighter and brighter. They extinguished the magic orb, shaking their hand as they went to help with how cramped it felt after holding the spell for so long. It wasn't long before they finally spied the opening of the cave, the literal light at the end of the tunnel. 

They skidded to a halt as soon as they made it outside. It must have stopped raining during their adventures down in the cave, as sunlight now gently poured through the treetops above. They squinted as they looked around, eyes not yet adjusted to the bright light outside the cave. They were now in a forest clearing, the tranquil scene completely cut off from the rest of the woods by thick foliage. The soft grass underfoot practically glittered in the sunlight, still wet with raindrops from the earlier storm.

In the center of it all was the jarring sight of Wilford Warfstache. He sat in the middle of the clearing, surrounded by monkeys. The monkey from the cave was perched on his shoulder, playing with the bright pink mess that was Wilford's hair. He cradled a smaller one in his arms. On his right, two monkeys fought over the contents of an open, metal lunchbox; and on his left, a single monkey batted at the pieces of a travel chessboard.

Dark approached the bizarre scene slowly, both out of confusion and out of hope to not scare off the thief. As soon as they got close, Wilford looked up from the baby monkey in his arms and smiled at them. "Hello there, friend! It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"It really hasn't," Dark scoffed. In the last month they'd cornered him five times, the fourth time being only a few blocks from Crime Department headquarters. 

"Ah well, time tends to get jumbled for me every now and then." He shrugged, gently placing the small monkey next to the one at the chessboard, intently watching the two of them knock over with the wooden pieces as if he were watching a professional chess match.

Dark let out a resigned sigh. "What the hell do you think you're doing out here? And where did these monkeys come from?!"

"Oh, I'm having a picnic! As for the monkeys, I'm not quite sure. I opened a portal looking for my lunchbox and they all fell through. They make decent company, though." He reached into the lunchbox, pulling out a piece of fruit and holding it out to Dark. "Banana?"

"No thanks," they said, staring down at the thief with dismay. "You're under arrest." 

Wilford laid back in the grass with a dramatic sigh. "Every time with the arrest talk. It gets so boring after a while."

Dark sputtered, stomping forward and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt with their free hand, pulling him up just enough to get close to his face. "Boring?! I'm arresting you, you idiot! This isn't just some game!"

"If it isn't a game, then why do I have so much fun every time I see you?"

Dark let out a yell of frustration. While they stood there, trying their hardest to get the severity of the situation through to the grinning madman, they spotted movement in the tree on the edge of the clearing. They turned to face it, still clutching to Wilford's shirt.

Illinois appeared into view, expertly cutting down the dense plantlife with his magic. When he spotted Dark, his features quickly lit up with that signature smile of his. He jogged right up to them, glancing between them and Warfstache.

"I'm so glad you made it out okay!" he said, patting Dark on the shoulder. "And you've managed to catch our man! If you weren't a detective, you'd make a fine Tracker."

"Thanks," they grumbled.

Illinois turned to Wilford with a smug grin. "So, this is the man who's been stirring up so much trouble in the Committee."

"That's me," Wilford confirmed, and held out a hand. "Wilford Warfstache, pleasure to meet you."

"The name's Illinois Jenkins." He returned the handshake. "You're much more polite than the Committee files make you out to be, Willford. Much more handsome, too."

"Are you serious right now?" Dark looked to Illinois with a mixture of disgust and confusion. They shoved Wilford towards Illinois. "Fine, if you're going to be flirting with the criminal, then you get to watch him."

"Don't mind if I do," Illinois winked at Wilford, looping their arms together.

"Oh, I like this one," Wilford smiled. "Hey Dark, you should bring your friends more often."

"He's not my friend," Dark scoffed at the two.

"He's not?"

"I'm not?" 

"No, I mean, I-" They sputtered before letting out a strangled, aggravated sigh. They ran a hand through their hair in frustration. "I'm not doing this right now. I'm just going to call JJ to take us back to the Crime Department. Then I can finally be done with this case."

"The Crime Department?" Wilford echoed, his shoulders sagging with exaggerated disappointment. "Do we really have to go to that dreary old dump? I'd much rather go someplace more fun, like a carnival. Or a good old-fashioned disco; I haven't been to one of those in a good while."

Illinois smiled and patted his arm. "Usually, I'd love to spend more time with someone as handsome as you, but I'm afraid we have to complete our assignment and turn you in."

Dark shook their head. As much as they hated the Tracker's incessant flirting, they were consistently impressed with his ability to keep a cool head throughout this strange adventure. His confidence never wavered from when they were lost in the caves to now, as he managed to keep Wilford of all people occupied with his charm. Maybe this partnership with Illinois would work out after all.

They turned their attention to their watch, turning their back to the two men. They needed to muster up all the energy they could to cast the communication spell, and they really couldn't have those two and their outrageous personalities distracting them.

Illinois huffed as he watched Dark set to work on the communication spell. This was the part of the adventure he always disliked. He loved the thrill of the chase, but once the chase was over there was nothing left to do but file reports and wait around for the next assignment. He glanced over Wilford, who was telling a nearly incomprehensible story about the last time he was at a disco while Illinois spaced out. As he talked the Tracker looked the thief up and down, his heart skipping a beat when his eyes caught a flash of gold within his coat.

"Is that it?" Illinois said, pointing at the wand.

"Is what what?" Wilford stared at him for far too long before blinking and following his hand. "Ah! That's what you're talking about. Yes, this is that wand everyone's always yelling about." He pulled the wand out of his coat with a flourish, twirling it in his fingers.

"Can I hold it? I've never seen a Core Wand in real life before." Illinois could barely contain his excitement, eyes glued on the artifact in front of him.

"I don't see why not. You seem nice enough." Wilford plopped the wand into Illinois’ outstretched hands.

Illinois stood awestruck for what felt like an eternity. He never imagined that he could be holding such an immensely powerful artifact like the Time Wand, let alone have it handed to him in such a nonchalant way, by the very person who stole it. Once he regained his composure, Illinois began to examine the wand. He could practically feel the powerful magic radiating off the centuries old piece of wood. He turned it over in his hand, admiring how the intricately carved details of its gold handle shimmered in the afternoon sun. After thoroughly examining the wand's details, he readjusted his grip to hold it by the handle, even posing with it like a child playing with a wooden sword. 

Wilford started to fidget the longer Illinois held onto the wand, tapping his foot on the soft grass. "You've had your fun. Now can you please give the wand back?" he asked, his nerves obvious as he spoke.

Illinois looked down at the wand in his hand, the gold reflecting in his eyes as he cracked a deceptive smile. "No. I think I'll hold on to this for now. I'm sure the Committee will be happy to see it once we return to the present."

In an instant Wilford threw himself at Illinois, nearly toppling him over. He grabbed at the wand, trying desperately to wrench it out of the Tracker's hands. "Give it back! I need it!" he cried, now fully engaged in a desperate game of tug-of-war with the dangerous artifact. "You don't understand- I still haven't found them!"

"Found them?!" Illinois yelled in confusion, his voice strained as he struggled to regain his hold on the wand. Even as he focused on the fight, he was acutely aware that Dark had joined the fray, grabbing the thief from behind in an attempt to pull him away from the wand. "Who could you possibly be trying to find?!"

"I don't know, I just know they're important! Now give it back!" Wilford yelled. In the scuffle, he managed to wrench the wand downwards, golden magic erupting from it and colliding with the ground. The magic swirled, eventually forming a portal into an unknown field. The whimsical, pink bubbles that normally adorned the surroundings instead bubbled violently, like the surface of a pot of water left boiling for too long. 

The force of the magic making contact with the ground was enough to knock back the three wizards. Wilford, who miraculously still held onto the wand, was the first to recover from the blast. He took one glance at the other two, locking eyes with Dark as they began to pull themselves up from the ground, and gave a quick wave before diving head first into the portal. 

"No!" Dark yelled. They threw themself at that thief, but met nothing but empty air. The portal was gone, the only remnant of it being there was a few pink bubbles which soon popped out of existence too. They silently stood in the middle of the clearing for only a moment before unleashing a string of frustrated curses at the top of their lungs. 

"Damn," Illinois said.  Dark whipped around to see the Tracker leisurely pulling himself into a sitting position. He grabbed his hat off the ground, brushed some dirt off of it, and repositioned it on his head. "I thought I had him!"

"You… selfish prick!" Dark stomped over to the Tracker, yelling down as he simply lounged in the grass with the comfort of someone on vacation. "If you hadn't been so focused on your little treasure hunt, we'd be back at the Department with Warfstache behind bars! But you just had to try and take the wand for yourself!"

Illinois stared up at them, his smile slowly fading. He pulled in his legs, hugging his knees and leaning his chin on his arms. "You're right. It's my fault Wilford got away. I'm sorry."

Dark's anger subsided as they locked eyes with the Tracker. They sighed, running a hand through their hair. They took a seat next to the Tracker, gently tossing their cane onto the grass beside them. Now that they were sitting, they could feel all their injuries sink in. Their entire body ached. They suspected that they would find themself covered in bruises from not one but two times falling onto the rocks. 

"Are you going to call JJ to portal us out of here?"

"Yeah, just give me a minute," Dark said, laying their head in their hands.

"Y'know, Wilford mentioned trying to find someone using the Time Wand." Illinois looked over at the detective. "Do you know what he meant by that?"

Dark was silent, gently rubbing circles over the scarred part of their face. Finally, they spoke. "No idea. I’ve been chasing him for a while now, and… I’ve never really seen him with another person, at least never for very long.”

"It's still a lead, maybe you can look into it when we get back to the Department."

"Maybe," they said. "Speaking of, I better contact JJ. I'm sure Abe is anxious to hear about how this all went."

Illinois hummed, leaning back and leaning his head on Dark's shoulder. "You know, we don't have to call JJ right this moment," he said, looking up at them with a twinkle in his eye. "This is a pretty, dare I say, romantic location. I mean, the place is already set up for a picnic. What do you say? How about a date?"

Dark stared at him, barely repressing a laugh. They really wanted to be mad, but something about his neverending flirting seemed funny in this somber moment. "That's never going to happen," they scoffed, pushing him off of their shoulder. 

Illinois flopped over onto the ground, dramatically clutching at his heart. "You wound me, Dark," he sighed through a grin. "I'll win you over one of these days."

"You'll keep trying," Dark said, rolling their eyes. They stood from their seat with a groan, offering a hand to Illinois as he grinned up at them. "Come on, let's get going."

.

.

"- and then, the cave collapsed, leaving Dark and I seperated. But, thanks to our impressive tracking skills, we were both able to find our ways out of the caves. By the time I arrived, Dark had already cornered Warfstache-"

Dark sat in a chair in Abe's office, listening as Illinois enthusiastically recounted their adventure, plus a few embellishments. Their eyes darted between the two men; Illinois, with his foot propped up on a stack of criminal case files as he gestured wildly to illustrate his story, and Abe, who watched the Tracker with chin propped up on folded hands, every so often glancing at Dark in disbelief whenever Illinois detailed his own heroic deeds.

"It all came down to an epic fight, Dark and me versus the thief. I managed to grab hold of the Time Wand, but alas, Warfstache was able to overpower the two of us and escape through a time portal." Illinois leaned back in his chair as he finished relating the day’s events.

"I see," Abe said, with an eyebrow raised. He turned to Dark, who could see he was only barely keeping a straight face. "Is this all true?"

"More or less," they shrugged.

"Then that's all I need from you. Thank you, Illinois." Abe gave the Tracker a polite smile, gesturing to the office door.

Illinois tipped his hat. "Always happy to help," he said, shooting a wink at Dark before leaving the office.

As soon as the door closed, Abe turned his full attention to Dark. "So," he said, drumming his fingers on the desk. "How was working with Jenkins?"

Dark thought for a moment, twirling their cane with one hand. "It wasn't completely horrible," they said after a moment. "Illinois was actually pretty nice after I got to know him."

"Aw, look at you making friends." Abe smirked, but it was clear that his sentiment was genuine. 

"We're not friends," Dark said without thinking. They paused, before continuing. "Not yet, anyway. I'd have to try talking to him when I'm not working- or, at least not in a life-threatening situation like today." Abe nodded in understanding. "That reminds me, I have a new lead on where to find Warfstache next."

Abe sat up in his desk chair. "What is it?"

"During the fight with Warfstache," Dark began, noting Abe's look of disbelief. "Yes, we did actually fight him, but it was far less epic than Illinois described it as. Anyway, while we were fighting, Warfstache said he needed the Time Wand to find someone."

"Did he say who it was?"

"No. He doesn't know who he's looking for, just that they're important to him."

Abe sat back in his chair, stroking his chin in thought. He then spun around in his chair, standing to pace around the room, eyes darting around the conspiracy wall that took up the office. "Years of searching and never once has this thief mentioned looking for anyone," he mused. He paused in front of a particular section of the wall, where clippings of police reports noting Warfstache's known accomplices were pinned up alongside glossy photos of the suspects.

Dark stood from their own seat, moving around the desk to stand next to Abe. "I have an idea about who he may be talking about, but I'm not sure. I'm going to stop by the old bookshop tomorrow. There might be some clues the Department overlooked."

"Are you sure?" Abe looked at his friend. He could sense their anxiety spike as soon as they mentioned the bookshop. "You haven't been back there since-"

"I know," Dark cut him off. They knew what he wanted to say, but they couldn't bear to hear it said out loud. "But if it could mean catching Warfstache, I have to go."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I should be fine. Thank you, though." They decided it was time they took their leave, and began to walk out of the room.

"Dark?" Abe said just as they reached for the office's doorknob. "You know I'll always be there for you, right? You don't have to do everything alone."

"I know," they said, shoulders drooping slightly. They didn't even look back at their friend as they opened the door and stepped into the hallway, shutting the door behind them.

.

.

"Dark, over here!" Dark was halfway down the front steps of Crime Department headquarters when they were pulled out of their own thoughts by a certain adventurer shouting their name. Illinois stood at the bottom of the steps, waving with one hand, the other propped on his hip.

"Illinois? I thought you left already," Dark quickly padded down the stone steps to meet up with the Tracker.

"I was about to head home, but I wanted to talk to you about something first," he said.

"I swear, if you're trying to ask me out again-"

"No, not that. But the offer is always on the table," he winked. He then cleared his throat, straightening his posture. "I just wanted to talk about today. Even though it wasn't perfect-"

"That's an understatement," Dark crossed their arms, noting the fact that they were still aching from their tumble onto the rocks earlier that day. They’d have to check by Henrik’s to make sure they hadn’t gotten anything worse than bruises.

"You're right, it was a disaster," Illinois chuckled. "But I think you and I make a great team. And I want to help you catch Warfstache, honest. What I'm saying is, with your permission, I'd like to ask the Wizard Committee to assign me to the case again. So what do you say, want to continue the adventure?" He opened his arms in a welcoming gesture, his normal confidence melted away to reveal his genuine intentions.

Dark averted their eyes. They weren't sure how to respond. They appreciated his offer, but they'd spent years committed to this case as their sole mission, and accepting a practical stranger's help would be a difficult thing to do. "It'll be difficult convincing the Committee to let you take the case again," they said after a moment. It wasn't quite a refusal, but not an acceptance either. "We'll just have to see."

Before either could say another word, there was a shout from the top of the stairs, drawing both’s attention. Dark recognized the voice instantly, and they wanted to disappear.

Mare made his way quickly down the stairs, stopping just a few steps above Dark and Illinois. Illinois didn't seem as bothered by the other man's appearance as Dark was, but they still noticed the slight defensive shift in his stance towards them as he recognized their discomfort.

"Relax," Mare grumbled, glaring at Illinois. Turning to Dark, he added, "You know, handcuffs tend to come in handy when you've caught a criminal." Before Dark could say anything, Mare shoved a pair of shiny magic handcuffs in their arms. "You should keep a pair on you at all times."

Dark wasn't quite sure what to say, or whether they should be insulted or not. "I- I had handcuffs," they stuttered. They wanted to kick themselves for forgetting though, and for having to have Mare of all people remind them.

Mare crouched down to look them in the eye, a patronizing smile on his face. "Well then use them next time, dumbass."

"Well, now, don't blame them," Illinois spoke up, placing a hand on Mare's shoulder. "I was the one in charge of holding Warfstache."

"You" — Mare harshly pulled his shoulder away from Illinois as he straightened himself — "should know better. You'd think two idiots would be able to catch one thief, but I guess two wrongs don't make a right."

Dark opened their mouth to spit back a retort, but a wink from Illinois told them he'd handle it.

"Come now, Mare," Illinois said smoothly. "Harsh words can ruin a pretty face like yours."

Dark couldn't tell if the red spreading across Mare's face was from anger, or if the flirting had actually gotten to him, though they were pretty sure if Illinois said another word, he'd be met with a fist to the face. They took a step back, not wanting to get caught up in whatever happened next.

To their surprise, however, Mare suddenly relaxed, taking a few deep breaths. The detective glared at Illinois and then at Dark, and then, with a muttered, "Piss off," shoved past them both. Stunned, Dark watched Mare stride across the Department plaza.

Illinois was first to break the silence. "What was that all about?" he said with a chuckle.

"Who knows," Dark huffed, and shrugged. "He's always looking for ways to make my life a living hell. He's been doing it less lately, at least."

"Maybe he's finally coming around to see what a truly amazing person you are."

Dark scoffed, both at the compliment and at the idea of Mare starting to like them. "Yeah, right. He probably just got bored." They fiddled with their cane, unsure of what else to say. "I… should get going. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow."

"I understand. If you come to a decision about working with me again, let me know." Illinois nodded. "See you around, Dark."

And with a tip of Illinois' hat, the two went their separate ways.

#wwoww story #wwoww dark #wwoww abe #wwoww wilford #darkiplier #wilford warfstache #abe the detective #wwoww illinois #ahwm illinois

[toasty-tart]

I love Wilford’s design in @wwoww-au ‘s wizard au. May render this later but here’s this for now. The time wand design belongs to me. Also tagging: @statictay

#Wilford Warfstache #markiplier #wizard au #wwoww #au #my art

[thecabbagecrow]

Three Wilford Warfstache’s in each other’s outfits!

From left to right: @spaceiplier‘s Warfstache, canon Warfstache, and @wwoww-au‘s Warfstache. Outfits are shifted to the right!

#markiplier #wilford warfstache #spaceiplier #wwowwau #artists on tumblr #crows art #three pretty pink boys #so many pinks... #so... many...

[wwoww-au]

Five Friends

Mark held the door open for his friends as they exited the restaurant. It was a bright, sunny day, just like any other. The restaurant door closed slowly behind the group, cutting off the chatter coming from inside. They moved off to the side so they could still stand and talk without getting in the way of the door, or anyone else moving down the busy city street. Downtown Los Angeles in the afternoon was filled to the brim with people headed to a million different destinations.

“That was fun, guys, but I have to get going,” Mark said, checking his watch. “I want to practice my monologue a couple more times before the audition. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous.” His smile wavered.

“You’re going to do great.” Amy pulled him into a hug. 

“You think so?” The others joined in on the hug and rattled off their own words of encouragement, finally earning a confident smile from Mark. He pulled back. “Yeah, I got this! I’ll be the best leading man they’ve ever seen! Thank you, guys!” He backed away, giving one last wave to his friends before disappearing down a side street.

.

.

.

The small group continued to walk down the city street, exchanging idle conversation. A few minutes into their walk, however, Tyler stopped dead in his tracks. The rest of the group followed suit.

“Tyler, what’s wrong?” Amy asked.

“I heard a weird noise back there,” Tyler replied absentmindedly as he turned and took a few paces back, leaning into an alleyway in search of the source of the noise. When he got there, he saw a strange man with wild pink hair and a matching mustache, lying in a heap among the contents of an overturned trash can. He held tight onto a stick in his left hand. A few pink bubbles floated overhead. “Oh my gosh, are you okay?”

“Never better!” The man hopped up with a smile, trotting over and shaking Tyler’s hand. “Now tell me, friend, where am I? And what year is it?”

“What year is… what? Uh… Los Angeles. 2020." 

"Really? That’s wonderful! Same place two portals in a row! And only a year off from the last portal! It must be a sign.” He happily twirled the thing in his hand. Now that he was closer, Tyler could see it wasn’t a stick, but an intricately carved piece of wood with a golden handle.

“Tyler,” Kathryn said cautiously, she and the other two next to him now, staring at the other man with the same confusion.  “Who is this?”

“Allow me to introduce myself!” The man gave a little bow. “My name is Wilford Warfstache, pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“I’m Tyler,” he spoke carefully, still wary of this unusual stranger. “These are my friends; Amy, Ethan, and Kathryn.” The others gave half-hearted greetings. “Why were you in the trash?”

Wilford shrugged. “Who knows? I can never really tell where I’ll end up with these portals.”

“Portals?” Ethan chimed in.

“You know, those swirly things that help people get from place to place. Or from time to time in my case. Wait-” Wilford adjusted his glasses and squinted. “You folks aren’t wizards.”

“Wizards?” Ethan said. “Sorry, but you aren’t making any sense.”

“Maybe he hit his head when he fell into the trash,” Tyler muttered.

“I did hit my head, but that’s beside the point. I’m a time wizard!”

“Somehow I don’t believe you,” Amy said, crossing her arms.

“Mundanes, always so skeptical,” Wilford shook his head. He raised the wand in hand, swirling it in the air. The group of mundanes stared in awe as a small mass of pink bubbles and golden sparks formed to Wilford’s right, swirling until a small portal floated in the air. He then shoved his arm all the way to his shoulder into the portal, fishing around for a moment before retrieving a glass filled with an iridescent liquid. The portal closed with a little pop.

“What is that?” Kathryn was the first to break the stunned silence. 

“This is a martini,” Wilford tried to take a sip from the glass, only to miss his mouth entirely and spill it on his yellow shirt.

“That’s not like any martini I’ve seen before,” Tyler stared at the liquid, which seemed to change color in the afternoon sunlight.

“Sounds about right,” he hummed. “Wizard booze is different from the boring stuff you mundanes drink. It has more pizazz. Tastes better, too.” After another failed attempt at drinking the martini, he shrugged and lifted the wand again. Another bubbling portal opened and Wilford plunged his hand inside, which was followed immediately by the sound of shattering glass. He made an odd face, rummaging around the portal a little longer. He pulled his hand out, the miniature portal closing with a pop behind him. “Ah! I was wondering where I left this!” He beamed, examining the object in his hand.

Tyler leaned in to get a better look at the object in Wilford’s hand, jumping back when he recognized it. “Is that a gun?”

“A flintlock pistol, yes.” Wilford held it up for the rest to see, aimlessly waving it around as he spoke. “The kind used by pirates for boarding action. Got into a real nasty duel with this back in the 1670s, this massive pirate thought I was trying to steal his treasure. Imagine me, stealing treasure! Ridiculous. I would’ve won that duel, too, had I not fallen back into the cannon and gotten shot off the ship,” He smiled at the memory. “Good times.”

“Can you stop waving that thing around!?” Ethan ducked to the side as the wizard casually gestured towards him with the pistol. “You’re gonna get someone killed!”

“Don’t be so skittish. It’s not loaded, see?” Wilford pointed the gun towards the air, pulling the trigger without a second thought. Instead of a gunshot, however, a great bolt of gold sparks shot out, racing high into the air before exploding like a firework. A few pink bubbles and colorful pieces of confetti lazily floated down in its wake. The four mundanes stared up in awe; meanwhile, Wilford shook the pistol, lifting his rose-tinted glasses to peer down the barrel of it with one eye. “Huh, I guess it was loaded.”

Kathryn reached up, poking at one of the bubbles as it floated through the air. It dissolved into glitter when she touched it. “So does this mean..” She paused for a minute to gather her words, glancing around at her friends and then back at Wilford. “Magic is real? I thought that kind of stuff only existed in stories.”

“Of course it’s real! But don’t worry about not knowing about it, friend. The folks at the Wizard Committee are really adamant about the whole ‘keep magic secret because some mundanes get really freaked out about it and might try to kill us all’ thing. Not you guys, though. You seem very nice." 

"Wizard Committee?”

“Oh yeah, it’s all the people in charge of the wizarding world. A bunch of stuck up pricks if you ask me.” Wilford shrugged, before tucking the pistol and the Time Wand into the pockets of his trenchcoat. “But who cares about their silly little rules anyways?”

“WARFSTACHE!”

“Ah, that’s who.”

The small group of friends all turned to see who they assumed was another wizard marching towards them. Tyler and Amy instinctively moved in front of the rest of the group, Tyler crossing his arms in a move he hoped would be intimidating to the angry stranger.

They came face to face with Tyler, clutching the cane in their hand with a knuckle white grip. “Move.”

“Hey, Dark…” Wilford peered out from behind the two mundanes. “Nice to see you! No hard feelings about the portal incident back in Incantation, I hope. I was only trying to-”

“Shut up,” Dark snapped. “You’re under arrest.”

“What? Why?” Amy said. “Is this because he showed us magic?”

“No, it’s because-” they paused. “You showed these mundanes magic?”

“Calm down,” Wilford placed his arms around the two in front of him. “We were just having a little fun. No harm in letting some common folks see the magic in the world.”

“No harm? What about that time you nearly got us burned at the stake in Europe? Or that time a mob chased us in Salem?”

“Exactly! What fun times! Or that time in Greece-”

“We promised to never talk about Greece.”

“I’m sorry,” Kathryn cut in. “Do you two know each other? I thought you were a wizard cop or something.”

“Dark and I go way back!” Wilford perked up. “We’ve been friends since- hm, well I don’t remember but it’s been a while now. We’re always going on these crazy adventures together!”

“We are not-” they sighed, putting their head in their hand before looking back up. “We are not friends. This man is a criminal, he stole a very powerful wand from the Wizard Committee and I’m here to take it back.”

“I thought all wizards had wands,” Ethan chimed in.

“What are you- no! This isn’t some fairytale, this man is a thief!" 

"But you have a wand." 

"Why are we still talking about wands?! And this is a cane, by the way,” Dark objected, waving at them with the cane in their hand. They were clearly getting frustrated at this point. They took a breath in an attempt to calm down. “I know this is all really amazing, learning magic exists and all but you have to listen to me. This man is dangerous, that wand is dangerous. If you aren’t careful, someone will get hurt.”

The four mundanes went silent, shooting each other nervous glances. It was then Wilford moved past Amy and Tyler to stand in front of Dark. “And you say I’m the theatrical one. But fine,” he turned to the side, voice feigning sadness. He pulled the wand from his jacket again. “I can take a hint. If you don’t want me around I’ll just leave." 

"I won’t let you get away!” Dark lunged forward, Wilford just managing to take a step out of their reach and behind the small crowd of mundanes. Dark tried shoving past them, only for Tyler to grab them and pull them away.

“You need to calm down, I’m sure we can solve this without fighting!” Kathryn said as Dark managed to wrestle out of Tyler’s grip and towards Wilford, a few red sparks beginning to fly off their fingertips. 

“No! I’ve lost too many goddamn chances, I’m not letting you help him get away from me this time!” Dark shouted as a sudden surge of magic burst from their hand in the form of a small ball barreling straight toward Wilford. Everyone jumped back and just barely dodged out of the way, except for Wilford who simply tripped backward into another one of his portals which quickly closed behind him. The remaining group watched in shock as Dark stumbled to the ground, yelling in a combination of pain and frustration.

“Dude, are you okay?”

“Damn it!” Dark yelled, pulling themselves up. “No, I am not okay! Do you have any idea how long I’ve been trying to catch that thief?!” They gritted their teeth, grabbing their hand. 

“Are you alright?” Ethan stepped forward. “Did you hurt yourself?”

Dark jerked back. “I’m fine,” they spat. “I swear, if I ever see any of you talking to Warfstache again, I’ll have you arrested for obstruction of justice. Now stay out of my way.” They shifted their attention from their shaking hand to their watch, which promptly started flashing red and blue. They then shoved past Ethan, slipping into the nearby alleyway.

Amy quickly followed after them, hoping to ask them a few more questions about the wizarding world; but by the time she made it in the alleyway, they were already stepping through a blue and gold portal. She managed to catch a glimpse of a shining room and a man in a blue suit before the portal disappeared altogether, taking with it her hope for answers.

.

.

.

Mark was sitting on his living room couch when his friends arrived, looking a little shaken. “Hey,” he stood up, sensing their unease. “Are you guys alright?”

“Yeah, everything’s alright. How’d the audition go?” Amy gave a smile.

“The audition was fine, but I can tell something’s wrong. What happened after I left?”

“That’s a long story,” Tyler mumbled. “You’re not going to believe it.”

Mark just smiled. “I’ve seen a lot of weird things in my life. Trust me, I’ll believe it.”

The four looked between each other, none of them wanted to say it. Amy sighed, speaking up. “We met a wizard.”

Mark let out a reluctant chuckle, not sure if it was a joke or not. “You met… a wizard?" 

"See, you don’t believe it!” Tyler said.

“I’m not joking,” Amy continued, looking down to avoid eye contact with Mark. “This guy named Wilford with pink hair and a wand appeared out of an alleyway and said he was a wizard. Of course, we didn’t believe him at first but then he started opening these portals, it was unbelievable! Then another wizard showed up, saying Wilford was a fugitive from this Wizard Council-”

“Committee,” Kathryn cut in. 

“Right, Committee, sorry. They got into a fight with magic, real magic! Wilford disappeared into a portal before the other wizard could catch him. It was insane, you probably think I’m crazy- Mark?” Amy looked up, getting a look at the man across from her.

His eyes were wide with shock, and he was no longer smiling. He backed up, sitting back down on the couch. “Oh my god…” he muttered. 

“Mark, are you alright?”

“You guys are lucky, crossing a member of the Wizard Committee and not getting hurt.”

“Wait, you know about the wizards?” Ethan spoke up, exchanging glances with his friends.

Mark looked down at his hands. “It’s a long story. I can’t go into it, but there was a time in my life where I was involved with the magic world. And I was around long enough to know that you can’t trust the Committee. They’re nothing but a bunch of manipulators. They take innocent people and use them for their selfish ends before leaving them in the dirt. Only a few good ones manage to get away from their influence.”

“Well, if the Committee is as bad as you said, it’s lucky we met Wilford instead of someone else,” Ethan pointed out with an uncertain smile.

Mark didn’t smile back. “Not all wizards who leave the Committee are good, either. From your description, this Wilford guy sounds like a criminal from right before I left. He’s a murderer. He kills people without a second thought like it’s all some sick joke. I’m surprised you all made it out unscathed.”

Everyone remained silent, in shock of what Mark was telling them. “He seemed so nice…” Amy murmured. 

Mark gave a smile, a quick change from his previous grim statement. “You’re all safe. That’s what really matters. Now we can put all this wizard business behind us for good and move on. Hey, I just got that new party game and I’ve been wanting to play, we could-”

“I want to know more,” Amy said.

“You- what?”

“Mark, you can’t expect me to find out that there’s a magical society of wizards out there and just pretend nothing happened. I want to know more about magic, and something tells me you know more than you’re letting on.”

“It’s too dangerous, I don’t want any of you getting hurt. Besides, even if I wanted to, it’s been years. I don’t know…” he glanced up at his friends and realized that none of them were going to drop the topic any time soon. He sighed. “You really want to know more?”

“Yes,” Amy said, the others voicing their agreement.

Mark ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “Alright, fine. I’ll teach you about the wizarding world, but you can’t tell anyone. Not even your families. It will just make you all targets for the Committee. I need you to promise me you won’t say anything.”

“I promise.”

“I promise.”

“I promise.”

“I prom- wait, I can’t even tell Spencer?”

“Ethan.”

“Okay, okay, I’m joking. I promise." 

With that, Mark began to relax. He stood up from the couch, "Alright, let me get some old books out of the attic and I can start teaching you guys about magic. I’ll be back.” He walked across the room to the stairs, smiling to himself a little before disappearing upstairs.

#wwoww mark #wwoww teamiplier #wwoww wilford #wwoww dark #wwoww au #markiplier #darkiplier #wilford warfstache

[wwoww-au]

Do you have any more secret memes you can share with us

Here’s one I dug up from the public discord server (which anyone can join btw just ask for an invite)

-mod static

#mod static #qnanniversary #wwoww dark #wwoww wilford #wwoww g #wwoww yan #wwoww marvin #wwoww abe #wwoww b #wwoww anti #wwoww henrik

[wwoww-au]

Bonus meme for y’all

-mod crow

#mod crow #wwowwau #wwoww wilford #five friends #please enjoy #i spent real actual time on this yesterday #validate me

[wwoww-au]

What do you know about Wilford Warfstache, Wiggles?

"I know about as much as everyone else, he's the guy who stole the Time Wand. I've never actually met the guy, but I suspect he's the reason so many of the martinis I fix up keep disappearin' when my back is turned."

- Wiggles

#humor wizard day #wwoww wiggles #wwoww wilford #wiggles the clown

[wwoww-au]

mods are offline. time to post a younger wilford (also it’s a transparent image because i like those) 

- mod finn

#wwoww au #wwoww art #wwoww wilford #Wilford Warfstache #markiplier #mod finn

[wwoww-au]

West of Yesterday

Jameson sat on the faded couch of the Crime Department's time room, ornate tea cup in hand. It was his routine to arrive early to have his tea, a special blend that would help him gain his strength before the strenuous task of opening a time portal to the distant past. Today he was tasked with opening a portal to the tiny town of Incantation, Arizona, in 1868. At 2:56 pm, to be exact. He looked up from his cup when he heard the door open, Dark striding in with an abnormal look of excitement on their face.

"Good morning, JJ," Dark said. They were dressed in their normal clothes, only today they had added a vest and a bandanna around their neck. They held a black cowboy hat in their hand, cane tucked under their arm. 

"Dark, this is a pleasant surprise." Jameson placed his empty cup on the small table next to him, an amused smile tugging at his lips. "I thought you didn't like dressing up in ‘silly costumes’."

"I grew up watching westerns," they countered with a smile. "There's no way I'm passing up the opportunity to be a cowboy for a day."

“Ah, well history and man made each other,” Jameson chuckled. Dark looked at him with the expression they gave when they didn’t understand what he was saying, but also didn’t want to stick around or try and find out. 

"Let's get that portal open." Dark moved toward the center of the room, placing their hat on their head. "We've got an outlaw to catch."

.

.

.

Dark landed on their feet with a small thud, stirring up the sand underfoot. They looked up to find themselves next to a dusty wooden sign that read Welcome to Incantation. A couple yards ahead was the town in question. It was only a couple blocks of shabby, wooden buildings. A few people milled about in the street, going about their daily lives. From where they were standing, Dark noticed that some of the townsfolk had abnormally colorful hair or clothing for the time. Wizards. Stealing themself, they walked casually into town. 

As they made their way down the street, Dark noticed a few of the locals staring and whispering. This wasn’t too abnormal, they were used to some curious glances, but normally their outfit didn’t gain too much attention, especially from wizards. Wizards were known to dress oddly, it’s what they did, and what Dark was wearing wasn’t even all that odd. The extra attention made them bristle a bit, straightening their posture as they headed straight for the best place to start- the saloon. 

The saloon was an old building, the floor well worn with the traffic it had gotten over the years. It was a fairly lively scene for three in the afternoon, though not completely full. There was a young man in a vest and suit, playing out a bouncy tune on a piano in the corner. A group of about four people by the piano were drinking heavily and laughing at a friend’s failed attempt to dance to the music. Another group was sitting at a circular table in the middle, exchanging shifty glances and smoking cigars as each played a different game of cards. A couple of other patrons were scattered about, some in pairs and some alone. One gentleman in all white sat at the bar having an idle chat with the bartender, who was polishing a glass.

As soon as Dark swung open the saloon doors the room went silent. A dozen pairs of eyes stared at them for an uncomfortable amount of time before slowly going back to their previous activities, but Dark paid them no mind. They were too focused on one of the patrons in particular, sitting on a table and clapping and cheering to the music. Clad in bright pink and yellow and nursing a martini glass that they’d never seen empty, Wilford stuck out like a sore thumb.

“Warfstache,” Dark commanded in a slightly raised voice. The rest of the saloon returned their attention to the two, silently watching as they stopped a few feet in front of Wilford. He noticed Dark approaching, brightening his smile and sitting up straighter. 

“Hello, Darky! Come to join the party? They’ve got some lovely music here, I can show you the main attraction after a song or five!”  Wilford gestured toward the pianoman, signaling a request for the music to continue. Dark sighed, taking a step closer as their hand moved to their pocket where they were keeping their pair of magic handcuffs. They weren’t going to take any risks of losing them again. 

“You know I’m not. Come with me now,” Dark said rigidly. They could feel the eyes of everyone in the room on them, watching their movements with apprehension. They could feel the ripple of unease through the air as hands moved to their holsters in response to Dark’s reach. 

“I’d love to but I’d hate to miss the shooting part! They invented exploding sticks, isn’t that marvelous!” Wilford shifted one of his legs off the table, attempting to take a sip from his martini but largely unsuccessful. “Why don’t you come with me? It’ll be fun!”

Dark stepped forward, bringing out and raising their official WC badge as they pointed a finger at him. "By order of the Wizard Committee you have been-“ 

“How did you FIND ME!?” Came a very loud shout from behind Dark, startling them out of their skin. They whirled around to find themself facing one of the gentlemen from the poker table, with a large mustache and a wide cowboy hat. He was also wearing a pair of old jeans, from a brand that hadn’t been invented yet, and sunglasses also severely ahead of their time. The man had a glass in one hand and a gun in the other, which he was pointing wildly at Dark while slowly backing up towards the door. 

”Whoa whoa whoa,” Dark said, clearly bewildered. They held their hands up next to their head, taking a step back. They looked somewhat panicked, they had no idea who this was but he was clearly deranged. They just hoped he didn’t decide to actually fire the thing. “Look, why don’t you calm down and-“

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” the man shouted, firing off two shots that just barely missed Dark. He ran out the door as everyone else watched him go. The crowd didn’t react much, and Dark even heard a few mutterings of “him again”. Confused, they watched him go before turning back to Wilford. 

“Look, why don’t you just-“ But he was gone. They looked around wildly, but it seemed Wilford had left while Dark was distracted. They cursed under their breath, putting their badge away and walking over to the bar. If anyone could tell them where Warfstache had gone, it’d be the bartender. 

As Dark approached, they saw the bartender and the stranger in white eyeing them suspiciously. They leaned against the bar, avoiding a sticky puddle of some old liquid and the bar stool, clearing their throat and tapping on the bar top to get the bartender’s attention. There was a dirty spittoon that they’d nearly accidentally kicked, they noted, and it smelled something foul. 

“Excuse me,” they asked politely. The bartender looked up at them, putting down the cup he was polishing and walking over to them. 

“Can I help ya, sir?” He asked in a thick western accent, tone tense and neutral. It was clear he was a wizard even though he wasn’t wearing a coat, what with the bright rainbow shoes and the small collection of wizard booze hidden just behind the bar. 

“Not sir, exactly, uh-"

"Sorry; can I help ya, partner?"

“I’m looking for Warfstache. Do you know where he might have gone? He mentioned a ‘shooting part’, is there some kind of event going on?” Dark asked, calmly but a bit rushed. The bartender’s eyes narrowed at them before looking them over. Dark suppressed a small shudder at the thought of how much he must be judging them. 

“You're a Wizard bull, huh?” He asked, eyeing them suspiciously as he set the glass in his hand down, crossing his arms and leaning near the bar top. 

“Yes, I am,” they almost hissed, quickly flashing their badge at him. “I need to know if you know where he went.”

“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t, but I reckon that ain’t none of your business,” the man droned. “Now why don’t you head on outta here, we don’t want none of your kind ‘round here.”

"My kind?"

"You Wizard Committee folks, always messin' around with the business of others. Our community is managing just fine without your meddling."

"Okay," Dark rubbed their temples. "If you just tell me where he went, I'll be out of your town as soon as possible. And I'll make sure the Committee doesn't send any more officers this way, alright?"

The bartender stared at them for a minute, sizing them up, before nodding and putting his hands on the counter. “Alright, but if ya cause any trouble I’ll be right there with a big fifty to cut ya a path outta here. He should be heading off to the hill a little ways out of town, they're havin' a shooting contest up there later."

"Thank you," they nodded. With that, they turned and stepped out of the saloon and into the dirt road. Up ahead of them, they could see the hill. A few people milled up top, setting up a row of targets. They strained their eyes to try to spot a blur of pink among the distant crowd.

"What are you looking at?"

Dark spun around to see Wilford, intently staring at the hill, too. "Why you-" they grabbed him by the lapels of his coat. "You're not getting away this time!"

"Of course not, why would I want to get away?" He shrugged. "This town is lovely! I think you agree, you really dressed the part this time. Did you see the horses? I know someone who would’ve loved to see the horses, she- "

"Enough nonsense! You're coming with me!" Another bullet rang out high above Dark's head, prompting them to release their grip on the thief's coat and drop to the ground, hands over their head. As soon as the echo of the gunshot died out, they jumped to their feet and whipped around. "What is your problem?"

The time displaced stranger from earlier stood a few paces down the road, smoking gun still aimed at Dark. "You're my problem!" He took another poorly-aimed shot.

Dark ducked out of the way again, though it wasn’t necessary as the bullet hit a tree a yard to their left. "What have I ever done to you?!"

"Don't play dumb," the stranger began reloading his gun. "I know the Committee sent you to take me in. Well you tell them they'll never catch the great Ed Edgar!"

There was silence as the others tried to comprehend why that name held any meaning. Dark was the first to speak up. "Who?"

"Don't play dumb," Ed sneered. "I was the most feared outlaw of the Dark Ages. I robbed and tricked countless numbers of unsuspecting mundanes into buying useless items! I broke too many laws to count! I robbed the largest wizard bank in the United States! My name was known for miles around!"

This time Wilford broke the silence. "I'm sorry, friend, but I've met plenty of famous outlaws in my time, and it may be because my memory isn't too good these days, but I have no idea who you are."

Ed seemed barely fazed by the comment. "It seems we've reached an impasse. I think there's only one way to solve this little conundrum of ours, a good ol' fashioned wizard duel! High noon, tomorrow when the clock strikes twelve!"

"Well, first of all," Dark began, "anyone familiar with the wild west would know that high noon is not when the clock strikes twelve, but actually when the sun is at the apex of the sky. Second, I'm not interested in participating in some useless duel-" but Ed was already gone from sight.

Wilford clapped his hands together. "Well this is going to be fun! A good old fashioned duel! Haven't been to one of those in ages! Or maybe it was last week? I get time jumbled so much, you know-"

"I'm not going."

"You're not? But it can be so much fun!"

"I don't see much fun in getting attacked by that delusional cowboy again," Dark roughly grabbed the man by the back of the coat. "And I'm here to arrest you, remember?"

"Okay then, I'll make you an offer," Wilford twisted out of their grip and shrugged, bouncing on his heels. "You participate in this duel, and if you win, I'll go quietly."

"You mean that?" They gave him a skeptical glare.

"Sure I do! I may be the wizarding world's most wanted fugitive, but I am a man of my word," he crossed his heart.

They crossed their arms and looked away for a moment, trying to ignore Wilford's infectious smile. "I guess it might be cool to fight a real outlaw in the wild west…"

"That's the spirit!" He patted them on the back. "Now something tells me you've never been in a duel before so I'll give you a few pointers."

"Wait, have you ever been in a duel before?"

"Yeah, I think so!"

"That doesn't exactly inspire confidence," Dark grumbled.

"Well I remember fighting someone outside a tavern in medieval Europe. I got a few solid punches in, before all his buddies showed up and gave me what for."

"That's not a duel, that's a bar fight."

"Close enough, it's all about finding your opponent's weakness. Now this Edgar fellow seems like a time wizard to me, so be prepared for him to use all kinds of portals and time skips to mess with you. But I think you still have a good shot against him. You use life magic-"

"Soul magic."

"Really? I could've sworn- ah, whatever. Soul magic, huh? Oh well, same premise. You've just gotta hit him before he can make a jump."

"That's it?"

"Yep."

"Just, hit him? That sounds like bad advice."

"That's the only kind of advice I have!" Wilford said cheerfully. "Now come on, we have all day to rest up before the duel. We could check out that shooting competition on the hill. I know someone who would have loved this sort of thing…"

.

.

.

Dark spent the night in a rented room over the saloon, and spent the whole morning getting prepared for the duel. By the time they arrived on the dusty main street of town, a small crowd had gathered. Mundanes and wizards alike gathered on the side of the road and crowded around windows to see the duel. Ed stood alone down the street, fiddling with his sunglasses.

"Ha," he said. "I figured you'd be too scared to show up."

"Let's just get this over with," Dark glanced over at Wilford, who stood near the front of the crowd. He gave them a thumbs up and a genuine smile. They thought it strange how even after all this time they spent trying to capture him, he still showed them kindness. They shook the thought off as quickly as it came across their mind, they had more important matters to focus on. Like the person on the sidelines who had already begun counting down from ten to signal the start of the duel.

The moment the countdown hit one, an orange portal opened beneath Ed's feet and he vanished. No more than a moment later he reappeared to their right, hitting them hard in the jaw before disappearing through a portal again.

Dark spun in circles, trying to figure out where Ed would appear next. However, it seemed what the time wizard lacked in aim, he more than made up for in unpredictability. He had Dark stumbling over their feet trying to get a hit in, while he pelted them with a constant string of cheap shots. Dark knew he was trying to confuse them, and he was doing a real good job of it too. They tried to focus on a spell, but between Ed’s incessant attacks and the noise of the crowd, all they were getting was a headache. Finally, something snapped, and they cried out, sending out a large shockwave of red and blue magic.

The spell knocked them both down, the impact stirring up clouds of dust. Dark found themself on their back, the pain from the fight making it difficult to find the motivation to get up. As the dust began to settle, they heard people in the crowd gasp and murmur to each other. They looked up to see they were all staring at their face in horror. It was in that moment when Dark lifted a hand to their left eye and realized what had happened. When they fell over from the blast, the bangs that covered their face fell out of place, revealing the scar underneath; a patch of charred skin with unnatural veins of red and blue etched into the flesh. At the center was their eye, clouded and blue.

They quickly fixed their hair over their scar, and stumbled to their feet. With the duel now over, the crowd began to disperse. Wilford was the only one who stayed on the sidelines as Dark limped over to him. He clapped his hands together. "Excellent job out there! You really showed him what for!"

"Let's go," Dark growled, straight to the point as always. They picked their hat up off the ground, dusting it off before placing it back on their head.

Wilford frowned, "Why?"

"I won the duel," they said, pointing back to where Ed began to stir on the ground. "You said that if I won, you would go quietly."

"Yes, but that wasn't really a win now, was it?” Wilford reasoned, leaning back on his heels. “You both got knocked over at the same time and well, that's a draw. Not a win. I best be going now." He turned on his heel and reached into the recesses of his oversized coat, retrieving the Time Wand. With a flick of the wrist, a bubbling portal began to open in front of him. 

"No, you don't get to just walk away. We had a deal!" Dark moved in front of him, blocking his path to the portal. "You're not going anywhere!"

Wilford ignored their yelling, eyes drifting to the portal behind them to catch a glimpse of the scenery of its destination. A surprising look of vague recognition flickered across his face. He grinned, "You're right, I'm not going anywhere!"

Dark couldn't even process what he said before they were shoved back into the portal. They tried to reach out to grab at Wilford, but they couldn't do anything to help themself as they fell back into the unknown.

.

.

.

Dark hit the paved ground hard, only making their injuries worse. They sat up quickly to see the last pink bubbles of the portal spit out their cane before popping out of existence, giving them no other response as they sat yelling obscenities at empty air.

"Dark?" a voice behind them said.

They twisted around to Abe and Mare standing above them, staring in disbelief. That's when they realized where they were. The portal Wilford opened had dumped them onto the steps of Crime Department headquarters.

"What's with the cowboy costume?" Mare said, snickering as Abe bent down to help them to their feet. 

"Never mind that," Abe looked them over with concern in his eyes. "What happened to you? You've been missing for weeks!"

"Yeah, I was hoping you died."

"What?" Dark ignored Mare's comment. "I was only gone for a day." Abe and Mare only looked more perplexed, and suddenly it hit Dark. "That idiot thief pushed me into a time portal. He must've dropped me weeks after I left."

"Well, I'm glad you're alright," Abe said, giving Dark a gentle hug. "I was worried sick about you." He pulled a small watch out of his pocket. "I'll have to let JJ know to call the search parties back, and cancel my meeting with the Committee."

"Meeting?" Dark prompted. They were always anxious when Abe mentioned meetings about them. It was hardly anything good.

Abe hesitated, glancing cautiously over at Mare, whose scowl only deepened. "Well, the search parties haven't been able to find you, and since it's been so long, certain people were starting to presume you dead. I- well, I was meeting with the Committee to see about transferring the case to Mare."

"Oh," Dark glared at Mare. "Then it's a good thing I'm still alive. I can continue working the case as soon as possible. That reminds me, did any of the search parties manage to find Warfstache? It seemed like he was staying in Incantation after he pushed me through that portal."

"No, there wasn't a single trace of him when the search party arrived," Abe shook his head. "But, there was this one time wizard raving about being 'the world's most wanted outlaw'. Turns out he was wanted for some minor thefts back in the Dark Ages, so we took him into custody."

Dark scoffed, “Well at least someone got what they deserved.” They began to push past Abe before he stopped them with one arm.

“No so fast,” Abe said, turning them back around. “You’re not getting back to work yet. I want you to go get those injuries checked on, and then I want you to go home. You need to get some rest.”

“But—” Dark began to protest.

“Don’t make me have Mare escort you, Dark,” Abe threatened.

They huffed out a sigh. "Fine, but not for too long. I've already missed so much time." 

"I'll walk you to Henrik's," Abe looked over to Mare. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah whatever," the other detective crossed his arms, before storming off. Once he was out of ear shot, Abe smiled at Dark, gesturing for them to walk next to him as they began the short walk to the nearby clinic.

"So, how was it, getting to visit the Old West? I know you love westerns, it must have been exciting."

"Besides having to deal with two insufferable time travelers who knew nothing about it, I have to say, I quite enjoyed it." Dark just barely smiled.

"Well I'm glad you enjoyed yourself," Abe nudged them on the shoulder. "Partner."

#wwoww au #wwoww dark #wwoww wilford #wwoww abe #wwoww mare #wwoww ed #darkiplier #wilford warfstache #ed edgar #markiplier #wwoww jj

[wwoww-au]

Wizards Aren’t Witches

A week had gone by since Dark had healed enough to get back to work, and they were itching to get back on the case. Thankfully, an old document recently found had given a lead as to where Warfstache was: a small town in northern England, 1620. They rubbed at the faded bruises on their wrists as they sped through the halls of Crime Department headquarters, nimbly avoiding obstacles. They stopped when they reached an unassuming door adorned with a shining gold plaque, a simple image of an hourglass carved into it. They took a deep breath and opened the door.

They had been in the room what felt like a thousand times before, the place where Time wizards opened portals for WC employees to jump through history. The room was large and circular, with a high vaulted ceiling that seemingly went on for miles. Various clocks, hourglasses, watches, and sundials of all kinds hung from the walls, each displaying a different time. The muted sounds of ticking and chimes echoed off the marble floors. To the right of the door stood a faded couch next to an old wooden wardrobe, always filled with clothing appropriate to whatever period they would be travelling to. Across the room stood a man in a blue suit and hat, checking the time on an ornate gold pocket watch. They recognized him as Jameson Jackson, or JJ as he liked to be called, one of the Committee’s go-to Time cores for jobs like this.

Dark cleared their throat to get Jameson’s attention. “I’m sorry I’m late,” they said bluntly.

“Don’t be. According to me you’re right on time, and I’m sure to someone else you’re early.” He closed the watch and tucked it into his pockets with a leisurely smile. He was normally a very quiet man, but when he did speak he always said the strangest things. Typical for a Time wizard.

“Can we just get this over with?” Dark tapped their foot impatiently. As eager as they were to get on the case, they hated this part. Time travel wasn’t a particularly pleasant experience, leaving anyone not naturally Time cored with a feeling of discomfort and slight nausea. Jameson gave a simple nod, and pointed towards the wardrobe. He opened his mouth to speak before Dark interrupted. “For the last time, I’m not changing into some silly costume. I look fine.” They tugged at their trenchcoat as they stepped towards the center of the room.

Jameson stood opposite of him. Eyes closed, he held his hands out in front of him, dark blue energy radiating off the fingertips. A small ring of blue and gold sparks formed in the very center of the room, slowly growing in size until it was a few feet in diameter. The clocks on the walls began to change the shown time, moving backwards at various speeds and stopping at 4:31. The marble tile of the floor faded away and became a small drop to a patch of dirt covered in dead leaves and twigs. The clocks began to chime in unison, the sound reverberating off of every surface in the room as more and more joined in. Jameson kept his eyes shut, anything to keep him from breaking his concentration.

Dark called out across the portal, raising their voice to be heard over the cacophony of bells and chimes. “I’ll send you a communication when I need extraction.” The gripped their cane as if to brace for impact, and hopped into the portal.

As soon as they were through, the ring closed and the floor returned to normal. Jameson’s eyes snapped open and he fell forward onto his knees, the fatigue of using all that energy to open a time portal hitting him all at once. The clocks stopped their incessant chiming, falling back to their dull, rhythmic ticking as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Time marched on.

.

.

.

Dark landed roughly on the leaf covered floor, stumbling and placing a hand on a nearby tree until the time-travel dizziness went away. They glanced up to see a few gold and blue sparks fizzle out of existence. As soon as their stomach settled, they took a look around at their surroundings.

They were in a lightly forested wood, surrounded by tall thin beech trees. The ground was covered in a mushy mixture of mulchy leaves and dirty snow, soaking the ground underfoot. It was very cold, and they could see their breath billowing in the air. As the dizziness subsided they spotted some faint smoke off in the distance- probably coming from a settlement of some kind. It would be best if they could avoid civilization for as long as possible. They’d learned it was inconvenient to mess with the locals, especially ones as finicky about magic as those in this time period.

The first thing they had to do was locate Wilford. This was usually pretty easy, as he preferred to be near loud parties, and if there weren’t any he would start one. They didn’t expect him to be too hard to find, but as they looked around they couldn’t see any signs of a party. The woods were quiet aside from the occasional bird call, and they couldn’t see anything that screamed “time travelling madman”.

That is, until the serene stillness of the forest was interrupted by a blaring boombox falling from the sky a mere foot in front of them. They jumped back, frantically looking up to see a dissipating spiral of gold sparks and pink bubbles, similar to the portal they just came through. They rushed forward and turned off the boombox, hoping that no one from the nearby town heard it.

“Ah, you found my music! Now I can start getting the rest of the party together!” a familiar voice called behind them. They whipped around to see Wilford trotting out from behind one of the trees, a dopey smile on his face and a few dead leaves stuck in his wild pink hair. Dark gained their composure and pointed an accusing finger at the man before them.

“Wilford Warfstache, you’re under arrest for stealing the Time Wand from the Wizard Commi-” they firmly stated with utmost confidence before getting interrupted by the criminal shushing them.

“Boring… just like the rest of this drab time period. Let’s talk about that later. Now is the time for a party.” He pulled the ancient wand from the holster on his belt. He waved it with a flick of his wrist, producing a small bubbly portal next to his hand and pulling out a martini glass full of a fizzing green liquid.

“That is one of the most important artifacts to wizardkind, will you stop waving it around like it’s a toy!” Dark said as loud as they could, letting their anger build up into a ball of red and blue magic forming around their clenched fist. “You’re coming with me, thief!” They raised their fist and launched the spell at the criminal, only for Wilford to take a nonchalant step to the side. The magic flew passed him and burned a hole in the tree a few feet behind him instead. Wilford turned to look at the smoldering tree.

“Good job with that one, you almost hit me that time!” He smiled and turned around, giving them a thumbs up.

“God DAMN IT!” Dark yelled in frustration, ignoring the pain yelling caused their throat. They knew they couldn’t waste anymore time trying to use magic they could barely control, so they picked up a rock instead. They chucked it at Wilford as hard as they could; in response the madman flicked the wand in his hand, opening another small portal in front of him. Dark barely had enough time to react when the other end appeared behind them, the rock beaning them in the back of the head.

Wilford began to space out as the other started screaming a string of obscenities at him. This felt familiar. He would end up in some new place, a new time, left with nothing to do but wander around looking for something that would clear the fog that clouded his mind. Nothing but a blur of abstract shapes and colors that almost became clear, but as soon as he reached out to touch them, they vanished. The only constant was the one person who always came back to try to put an end to the fun.

He stared at the ground for a moment, forgetting his train of thought completely as a small, blue beetle scurried across his shoe. He smiled at it, little things like this always cheered him up when he got lost in unpleasant memories, or lack thereof. “Hello there, little friend,” he cooed, bending down to pick up the beetle and holding it up to get a better look at the blue shine of its shell. He smiled, and tucked it into his pocket. “What was I doing? Ah yes, a party.”

Dark quit their frustrated yelling as soon he spoke again. “No!” they shouted. They stomped forward, trying to snatch the wand out of Will’s nimble hands. “Hand over that wand right now!”

Wilford held it above his head, just out of reach of the short detective. “But I still need it, the fun is only just beginning!” he giggled, twirling his wand to open yet another portal, this time resulting in several large multicolored streamers to rain down onto Dark’s head, leaving them momentarily stunned. Wilford leaned his arm on their shoulder as they tried to tear off the streamers, but they shoved him away violently and backed up.

“Enough of this nonsense, thief! Hand over the wand or I’ll-”

“Witch!”

The two wizards turned to face a young girl, pointing at them with a fearful and accusatory look. The town must have been closer than they’d thought. A couple more townsfolk stood behind her, mumbling and looking at the odd pair with frightened stares. Dark took a cautious step away, but Wilford stayed put.

“No, no, no, there’s been a misunderstanding!” Wilford said, pocketing the wand. “We’re not witches, we’re wizards. There’s a difference you see…”

“You’re not helping,” Dark spoke through gritted teeth, eyes darting between the small mob of angry townspeople that had gathered in front of them. They muttered amongst each other, and Dark was just barely able to pick up words like “witch” and “the devil”. Wilford turned to face the worried detective, confident smile never wavering.

“Don’t you worry, I’ll talk us out of this. Everything will be just fine.”

.

.

.

“Everything will be just fine,” Dark said in a sarcastic tone, struggling against the ropes that bound them to the stake, back to back with Wilford. The town had had a stake set up already for a previously scheduled burning, but had decided that the “devil and the witch” were more important targets. Wilford had tried to explain to them that he knew Satan and that he was neither of them, which only caused a shudder to run up Dark’s spine and did not help their situation at all.

“Well I thought they’d be more reasonable!” Wilford huffed. “Turns out there’s just no reasoning with people in Halloween costumes.” The criminal made no effort to get loose from the bonds. Dark continued their struggle, pulling at the ropes as hard as they could. At the very least they still had their cane with them, lying at their feet to burn with them.

“Can you please focus?! Can’t you open a portal and get us out of here?!” Dark exclaimed, panic growing as the town’s judge began to list off the charges.

“I can’t,” Wilford said, unphased by the growing severity of the situation.

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“What- you just summoned all that party crap back there!”

“It’s different. People portals are different than thing portals. I need more time to be able to open another one.”

“I hate that that makes sense…” Dark thrashed against the ropes, their struggle only getting more frantic as a few townsfolk near the front of the crowd began lighting torches.

“…and shall burn for their crimes,” finished the judge. He hadn’t been reading from an actual list, as they hadn’t taken the time to make one, but instead he’d been reading excerpts from the Bible and adding in some connecting wording of his own.

“Come on, hurry it up!” Dark hissed. They’d gotten their bindings loose just enough to try and unknot them, but there wouldn’t be enough time and they wouldn’t be able to simply run past the mob surrounding them.

“No need to be so impatient, work on getting these stupid bindings off first. Not that I’m not into it, but they’re so restrictive,” Warfstache said calmly while attempting to take a sip from the martini in his hands. He couldn’t quite reach it due to the ropes hindering his movement, and one of the more brave townsfolk snatched it out of his hand and smashed it onto the pire before jumping back. Wilford’s face fell in shock. “Hey, I was using that!”

They were out of time, the townsfolk bearing torches marched forward, lighting the pyre. The flames quickly grew, spreading closer to the two wizards. Dark’s breathing picked up as they peddled their feet, trying to move away from the  encroaching flames.

“No!” they screamed. A shockwave of energy flew out around them, knocking a few of the surrounding townsfolk back. They felt the ropes fall from their around them. They looked at their hands in shock, seeing a dissolving red mist fading around their fingertips.

“This has been a fun party, but you took my drink so we’re going to get going now!” Wilford shouted to the angry crowd. He grabbed Dark by the arm and lifted the wand, a firm smile on his face. “Time to go!” With a flick of his wrist, a portal opened below them.

Dark landed on the snowy forest floor with a dull thud, head spinning from the sudden teleportation. They only had a brief moment to rest before half of the stake they were just tied to fell through the portal. They rolled out of the way, narrowly dodging the heavy piece of wood as it crashed to the ground just before the portal closed. They stood up on shaking legs, brushing the dirt and ash off of their coat and quickly snatching up their cane where it had landed undamaged.

Wilford appeared next to them sporting a goofy smile, as if he hadn’t just made an escape from a fiery death. “Not my best escape, but that was fun! Hey, what was that thing you did back there? Normally you suck at magic!”

Dark shot him a dirty look. “Your coat is on fire.”

Wilford glanced down, unphased by the small flame gathering at the bottom of his trenchcoat. “Huh, it seems it is.”

Dark opened their mouth to retort, but was silenced by the growing volume of distant shouts. Through the trees, the could see a few far off figures, angry townsfolk who must have figured they’d escaped into the forest. They rustled around in their pockets, but it seemed they had lost their standard issue magic handcuffs in the scuffle, which would be a problem when Warfstache tried to escape. “Come on,” they grumbled. “We’re not out of the woods yet.”

“Well, yeah,” Wilford scoffed. “We are still in the woods.”

“That’s not what I-  whatever.” Not about to lose him now, they grabbed Wilford by the back of his coat. Dragging the thief behind them, they hurried as fast as they could deeper into the forest. It was a difficult to go very fast since Will refused to move faster than a walk, but they kept their fist clamped in place and soldiered onwards.

They could hear the people behind them. It sounded like they had sent out search parties, which meant they didn’t have very long.

“Ooh, search parties! Gosh, I just love me a party! A shame they don’t have any silvery light balls,” Wilford mused.

“Yeah yeah, just stay right there and don’t you dare move,” Dark ordered, letting go of Wilford temporarily. They needed to focus to get the spell right, and their window of escape was closing fast.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Wilford said, already walking in a circle.

Dark shot him a dirty look before turning their concentration elsewhere. They pushed back one of the sleeves of their trench coat to reveal the old silver watch they wore. Holding their other hand over it, they recalled the special communicator spell Jameson had taught them when they first started travelling through time. They gritted their teeth as the face of the watch started to flash between hues of red and blue, finally settling on a dark shade of blue.

“JJ, I need extraction right now. There was a run in with some of the locals, they’re hostile. I have Warfstache with me- hey! I told you not to move!” They took their eyes off the glowing watch to see Wilford slowly making his way away from them. “Open the portal to 6:42.”

With those final words, the light flickered away. Dark exhaled, unaware they had been holding their breath.

“Well that was anticlimactic. I was expecting something, you know, more exciting, instead of just a simple communication spell. I’m disappointed in you, Dark.” Wilford gave a little “tut tut” and shook his head, patting the top of Dark’s hair in a sort of classic disappointed father way. Dark reeled back and slapped his hand away, glaring at him in frustrated anger. They could hear the townspeople growing closer.

Dark heard the muffled sound of dozens upon dozens of clocks chiming all at once just before a blue and gold portal opened up a few feet away. They straightened up, sliding their sleeve back over their wristwatch before turning to face the criminal.

“Alright, Warfstache, go through the portal now, and no funny business,” Dark said, using their cane to gesture him towards it. They were so tense, they could feel their body shaking. They were this close to finally bringing in the criminal they’d been hunting for forever now. This close.

“Aww, what’s the fun in that? But alright, if you insist!” And before they could blink, Warfstache had fallen through a bubbly portal that closed up behind him.

Dark stood there, stunned, for approximately two seconds before letting out an ear shattering scream.

“FUUUUUUCKKKK!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!” they shouted, grabbing a rock and throwing it against a tree in anger.They had him! They had him right there and he just slipped through their fingers! They continued to yell obscenities as they stomped through the portal and back into JJ’s office. “FUCK,” they yelled again as they collapsed into the pile of pillows on the faded couch, voice quickly devolving into a coughing fit.

Jameson simply looked on in quiet understanding. This had happened so many times he could barely keep track. Every week or so they would go out to catch Warfstache, only to return more frustrated than the last time. With every passing day their hopes of catching the criminal dwindled. Soon Dark’s coughing subsided and they rose from the couch, clearing their throat.

“I’ll go make my report to Abe, tell him I lost him again. I’ll be back as soon as I find another lead,” they grumbled hoarsely. And with that, they turned on their heel and left the room, coat trailing behind them. Even after all this time, they were still determined to find Warfstache. They would not rest until they brought him to justice, no matter how long it took.

#wwoww au #wwoww story #wwoww dark #wwoww wilford #wwoww jj #markiplier #jacksepticeye #darkiplier #wilford warfstache #jameson jackson

[wwoww-au]

if you didn’t know, we have a discord for the au where plenty of doodles, cosplay, ocs, and lore is dumped on the daily. there are some of the current emotes made by yours truly. - mod finn

#wwoww au #wwoww art #wwoww dark #wwoww wilford #wwoww abe #wwoww bim #wwoww google #wwoww bing #markiplier #darkiplier #wilford warfstache #bim trimmer #googleplier #bingiplier #sam septiceye #abe the detective #emotes #discord #mod finn

[wwoww-au]

A Day in the Spotlight

“Thank you all for watching this episode of ‘Disc of Wishes’! New episodes every Saturday at ten! I’m your host, Bim Trimmer, and I’ll be back tomorrow with the Live Special of this, the world’s most popular show, right after these messages!”

Dark woke up in a very bright room with the second worst headache they’d ever had pounding at their skull. A vanity sat in the opposite corner, framed by large glowing bulbs, with a red velvet cushioned stool placed in front of it. A clothing rack sat in the adjacent corner to Dark, filled with several black suits and a few colorful ones. The sound of the tv hanging off the wall over the mirror wasn’t helping with the headache much, and of course it had to be tuned to-

Bim Trimmer. The memories came flooding back. That damned magician Marvin had given them a lead on Warfstache, and Dark and Abe were sent to find Bim’s studio. They went to a seemingly abandoned building, and then… did they pass out? Where were they? Where was Abe?

The door burst open and in strode the one, the only, Mr. Trimmer himself. He sauntered over to the vanity mirror and slid into his seat, letting out a huge sigh as he started to fix up his makeup and hair.

“Hey! You! What the hell is going on?” Dark yelled. They tried to stand up from the director’s chair they were sitting in, but found themself unable to move. They glanced down as they moved to get up again, only to see a ring of purple sparks flaring around their chest and arms, binding them to the chair.

“Oh yes!” Bim exclaimed, as if he had forgotten Dark’s presence. “Our dear guest! Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you. You’ll be on in just a minute, so you'd better get ready!” He stood up from the vanity and moved in front of Dark. He leaned down a bit so they were face-to-face, noses practically touching, and his face twisted into an unnaturally wide smile filled with sharp teeth. “I have to say, I’m very excited to finally meet you. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, ever since you made your debut at the Crime Department. You peaked my interest. It’s a shame really, the Committee wasting something as special as you on catching a common criminal. But I can give you the spotlight you deserve.”

“What are you-? Just let me go! Where’s Abe? And where’s Warfstache?”

“No time to be thinking about that now, Darkie! You’ve got more important things to worry about.” Bim patted Dark’s face in an almost kind gesture, and then moved back to the vanity; picking up a familiar object and twirling it in his hands.  “Like this cane of yours! Beautiful woodwork, lovely piece really- I can see why you would want it.”

Panic and anger flooded Dark’s mind as they saw him holding their cane. He couldn’t have it, it was given to them. It belonged to them. They started struggling even more, pushing against the magical bonds as hard as they could. “Give that BACK!”

“Well, if you want it so badly, I’m sure we could make a deal for it,” Bim hummed, a hungry look in his eyes.

“A deal?” Dark snapped, fury burning in their eyes. “It’s not even yours! If you don’t give it back right now, I swear I’ll-”

Bim turned to Dark, over-dramatic offense written all over his face. “You break into my studio, insult me, and expect me to just hand you a valuable object of mine? I’m afraid I’m in a bit of a rush, so if that’s how you’re going to be then I’m going to have to get rid of this little trinket you seem so fond of.” He raised the cane in both hands, moving to smash it against the vanity.

“WAIT! Stop! I’ll do the deal, what do you want?!” Dark knew what he wanted, and they knew this was a bad idea. They knew what happened to people who made a deal with Bim Trimmer, but they didn’t have much of a choice. It was that, or.... they didn’t want to consider the alternative.

“Great! Wonderful! Fantastic!” Bim was beaming now, and tossed the cane in the air, catching it easily in the other hand. “You’re on in five, dear. Do your best, but don’t try too hard!”

Dark tried to say something, but before they could get a word out they suddenly found themself in a completely different room, and their splitting headache gone. They were standing behind a podium, and another purple ring of magic was preventing their feet from moving. Two other people stood to their left and right, one who looked rather calm, and the other who seemed very nervous. A curtain separated all of them from where Dark presumed the audience sat, and a large screen hung on the wall opposite it.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and all other configurations of being, welcome to the wizarding world’s favorite show, Disc of Wishes!” Bim’s voice echoed all around the studio, followed by a chorus of cheers and applause. “The only show where you get a chance at winning anything you desire! I’m your host, Bim Trimmer, and here are the contestants!”

The curtain rose, and Dark found themself facing a full audience of laughing and cheering people. They all had unnaturally wide smiles, but Dark thought they could see a few of them crying. All of them, wizards and mundane, had been tricked into participating. Their only way out was to compete in the game show and win, something that was highly unlikely given the situation, and even if it did Bim would still never let them leave. And if they lost…

“First up we have, Mat!” Bim appeared next to the contestant on Dark’s left, wrapping his arm around the calm-looking man. “Hailing from somewhere-or-other, he’s a Life wizard who just wants his wife and kid back! Now isn’t that sweet? We all love a good dad, don’t we? Next up we have Ryan! Who, uh, I don’t know what he wants but that doesn’t really matter. And finally we have our very special guest from the Wizard Committee itself, Dark!” A chorus of applause and cheers went up from the audience as Bim leaned in closer to them, placing an arm over their shoulder and pulling them close to him.

“Can you hear them?” Bim whispered, sending a chill down Dark’s spine. “They're begging to be in your place. They all want what you have. The thrill of death being only seconds away. How does the spotlight feel, Dark? Do you feel that rush, that delicious feeling of fear? I hope you do. It makes the soul that much... tastier.” He licked his teeth before leaning back and suddenly appearing on his special podium. Dark felt another shiver run down their spine. They were in extreme mortal danger, and they weren’t sure how they were going to get out.

“Now, my lovely viewers, let’s begin!” Bim pressed a button on his podium, jagged smile as wide as his face as lights lit up the contestants’ scoreboard and landed on the the Life wizard. Bim certainly didn’t look like he was evil, but Dark knew that they had very little chance of getting out of there alive.

“Mat! You’re up first, why don’t you give that wheel a spin?” Mat stepped up to the wheel, calm demeanor dropping for a brief moment. He raised his arms, grabbing hold onto the wheel and pulling down as hard as he could. The wheel spun and spun, until finally it landed on green.

“Ooh, green! What an interesting choice.” Bim pulled out a green card from seemingly nowhere. “Your first question is, how many known corrupted wizards are in the world at this very moment?”

Dark was focused. They had to get out of this place at any cost; they couldn’t lose, no matter what, even though winning didn’t guarantee anything. All it meant was that they would be put in the audience until the next week when the show aired again, and even then there was a chance of not being selected to participate. The most they could do was stall for time while they tried to figure a way out.

Dark slammed their hand down on the button provided, lighting up their podium first. Of course they knew the answer to this. They had to, as part of their job. “2876,” they said confidently. There was no way they could get this wrong.

“And you are wrong!” Bim announced, his mouth pulling down in an over-exaggerated frown. “Would anyone like to go for the steal? Ryan? No? Well, that’s too bad!” A buzzer went off, indicating that time was up. “The correct answer is 2877! Ooh, that’s a bit embarrassing now, isn’t it?” The audience laughed. Someone yelled a comment about how Dark was an idiot. Dark themself was confused. Surely there couldn’t have been a new corruption case, right? They’d only been there for less than a day.

“And now for the next question- Ryan, would you spin the Disc of Wishes?” Mat walked back behind his podium, muttering random facts to himself to refresh his memory as Ryan spun the wheel.

“Ooh, and looks like it’s blue this time! And your second question is… ‘How many corrupted souls are in this room?’”

Dark buzzed in again. They hesitated for a moment, before locking eyes with Bim. “Two,” they said, their confident voice wavering ever so slightly.

“Now, now, Dark, I really thought you’d be better at this,” Bim shook his head in a dramatic fashion, a look of smug satisfaction on his face. “We both know that answer is… incorrect!” His voice boomed with enthusiasm, prompting an equally enthusiastic round of jeers from the audience. Bim posed dramatically before moving on. “Alright, folks. Next up is an elimination round! Next contestant to get a question wrong is out of the game! Dark, you’re up! Spin the wheel and decide their fate!”

Dark moved around their podium, the magic holding them in place removed just long enough for them to participate in this part of the game. They stepped up to the wheel. They were safe for this round, but who knew how much longer it would last? They spun the wheel, and then immediately walked back to their podium. They wanted to keep as much space between themself and the show’s host as possible. As soon they arrived back to their spot, the wheel stopped.

“Red!” called out Bim. “Your question is a simple mundane history question, so good luck!” Ryan buzzed in before Bim could read the question. “Eager, are we? Ah well, here’s your question.‘What are the exact coordinates of where the third cousin of the person who invented toothpaste is buried?’”

“W-wait…” Ryan managed to stutter out before getting cut off by Bim.

“Time’s up! Sorry, Ryan, but you didn’t answer my question fast enough! You have been eliminated!” He dramatically pressed another button on his podium, causing a trapdoor beneath Ryan’s feet to open up. His screams were drowned out by the cheering audience. “I’ll be seeing you after the show,” Bim muttered in a satisfied tone to himself, eyeing the trapdoor with a hungry look. Dark stared down at the empty space as it quickly closed. They felt a pang of guilt for the poor mundane. Knowing the horror stories they’d heard of Bim at the Crime Department, Ryan was practically already dead.

“Oh well, he tried his best, though it was still pretty bad.” Bim said, checking his nails to highlight his disinterest. “The show must go on, so let’s move on to the next round!” He placed his hands on the podium, casually brushing up against another button. A chime from above the stage ran out, prompting a knowing round of applause from the lucid audience. Feigning surprise, Bim let out a dramatic gasp.

“You know what this means!” he excitedly shouted. “We get another elimination round!” Dark gripped the sides of their own podium, their anxiety about the game flaring up again. They had to get this next question right to make it to the finale, but that would also mean leaving their opponent to their very certain death. Dark glanced over at Mat, who was tightly gripping his own podium, before snapping their attention back to Bim. They had to focus. They couldn’t worry about Mat now, no matter how much it pained them. They had to get out alive, by any means necessary.

“Mat! Your turn at the wheel again!” Bim announced, the contestant shakily walking up to the wheel, giving it a weak spin. “Oh, pink! One of my favorite colors!” The host grinned as Mat shuffled back to his podium, hands shaking. “Your questions is, who is backstage right now?”

Dark was taken aback. What kind of question was that? They hadn’t had the chance to see the backstage area, as they were teleported directly onto the stage. They looked at the wheel again, and it hit them. Maybe Marvin was right after all. They hit the buzzer.

“Warfstache! Wilford Warfstache!” Dark shouted. Bim smirked before snapping his fingers, prompting the screen opposite the curtain to flicker to life, revealing footage from the backstage area. And sure enough, there was Wilford; wearing a bright pink suit under his trenchcoat and standing by a table covered in ornate food. He glanced up and waved to the camera.

“Correct!” Bim grinned, turning to the screen. “Will, darling, do you really have to wear that gaudy coat to cover your suit?” Wilford’s only response was to shrug and stuff a sizzling barbecued hot dog in his mouth. “Well, everything looks good on you anyways so it-” Bim interrupted himself by clearing his throat and looking away from the screen, fumbling as he searched for the right button.

The screen finally shut off, and Bim turned his attention back to his captives. “Since Dark correctly guessed the answer, I’m sorry, Mat. This is the end of the line for you!” He dramatically pressed one of the buttons again, and just like that, Dark was trapped alone onstage with the most prolific serial killer in wizard history.

“Now isn’t this exciting, folks? One contestant left, and I know I’ll be having a hearty meal tonight. But before we continue, let’s have a short break, after which we’ll have a word from today’s very special sponsor! See you soon!” The curtains closed as the audience cheered once again. Bim stretched out, before walking over and leaning on the podium in front of Dark, inches away from their face again. “Oh that was a wonderful performance. I have to say, I’m really killing it out there!”

Dark kept their composure as the madman leaned in close. “You’re insane.” Bim paused at this, his signature smile fading for the first time since they met.  

“Enjoy your break, Dark,” Bim snapped, lips curling in a malicious fanged grin. “You might not be so lucky in the next round.” He stalked off, disappearing behind a curtain. Dark felt the weight lift from their feet and looked down. The magical barrier keeping them in place was lifted. They took the opportunity to run after Bim, pushing back the curtain. They found themselves in the backstage area, Bim already missing from sight. They did however, spot a figure clad in pink, leaning over the buffet.

“You!” Dark cried out, running toward the confused thief. They raised their fist to attack, only to find themselves frozen in place, inches from Warfstache. They glanced sideways at their arm, trapped in place by the same purple energy as earlier.

“Now, now, Dark,” Bim called out from behind them, placing a hand on their immobile shoulder. “You can’t just go around trying to hurt my guests! How impolite!”

“Let. Me. Go.” they hissed through gritted teeth.

“Only if you promise not to attack my, ah, friend here,” Bim crooned, leaning on their shoulder and twirling a strand of Dark’s hair around his finger. Dark shuddered at the unwanted contact.

“Fine.”

“Wonderful!” Bim cheered, and with a flourish of his hand, Dark was free to move again. They took a couple steps back from Bim and rubbed their wrist, still stinging from direct exposure to the corrupted magic. Bim had already wandered somewhere else, no doubt checking his appearance in the dressing room again. They faced down their old foe once more, who had somehow found a martini at the buffet table. He simply stared back at Dark, until they broke the silence.

“For someone who keeps insisting that they’re not a criminal, you sure keep some questionable company,” Dark huffed, crossing his arms.

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about,” Wilford raised the glass to take a sip, finding it once again stuck on his mustache, as it always seemed to be.

“Oh please, first that ridiculous conman, and now with.. with fucking Wizard Satan?! You do know what he does to people who lose at his stupid little game show, right? He consumes their souls!” Dark shouted, frustrated at how nonchalant Wilford was about all this. “And who knows what he even does with the bodies, I mean…” they trailed off, running a hand through their hair. “Ugh, I don’t have time for this. I just have to get out of here and contact Abe, then I can go back to chasing you.”

Wilford shrugged in response. “Seems like you have this all planned out.”

“Yeah, well, I still have to win the game, which I know for certain is rigged against me.” They glanced down, spotting a flash of gold from inside Wilford’s coat. “You could always make this easier for me if you just handed over the Time Wand.”

“Not a chance.”

“It was worth a shot,” Dark mumbled. “What are you doing here anyways?”

“Who knows?” he shrugged again. “Bim invited me to watch the filming. He also mentioned getting dinner after the show but he seemed really nervous so who knows what that was about…” Dark stared at him for a moment before realizing what he meant. They let out a tired sigh and pinched the bridge of their nose.

“Oh.. my god…” they muttered. “Of course you two are da-”

“Five minutes to showtime!” Bim announced as he strode back into the room. He stopped behind Dark, grabbing their shoulders and massaging them a bit, like a cat kneading its prey. “I am so looking forward for the finale, aren’t you? It’s going to be a show to die for!”

“I’m thrilled,” they said, their words dripping with sarcasm. They took a deliberate step forward, shoving their captor’s hands away as they turned to face him. “Let’s just get this over with.”

“That’s the spirit!” Bim clasped his hands together, chuckling a bit to himself. “We’re back on soon, so why don’t you get yourself back onstage?” He made shooing motions for Dark to leave, and as they started to he walked very close behind them. They tried to walk faster to get to a comfortable distance away, but the creep stayed only a couple steps behind them the entire time. They had just barely stepped into place behind their podium before the magic restraints once more bound their feet in place, and the curtain rose to reveal the cheering audience members.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to  this special episode of Disc! Of! WISHES! I’m your host, Bim Trimmer, and we have a very special sponsor for today’s episode! He should be waking up about now...” Bim announced. Dark wasn’t paying much attention. The ‘sponsor’ bit usually featured the previous episode’s winner, or the latest detective from the team assigned on a suicide mission to stop Bim.

“Let me introduce to you, the Wizard Committee’s very own Head of the Crime Department, Abe Lincoln! Let’s give him a round of applause, everybody!” The screen on the wall opposite the curtain lit up again, once more showing footage of a banquet table. But this time it was in what looked to be a kitchen, and it was covered in what looked like cooked meat. Abe was sitting slumped in a chair next to it, strapped down by the same magic keeping Dark at their podium. The audience cheered. He groggily sat up, eyes widening when he realized where he was. He thrashed against the restraints. Dark could tell that he was yelling something, but the camera feed didn’t have any sound.

A look of pure panic washed over Dark’s face, followed by one of anger. They gripped their podium, and pointed at Bim with a shaky hand.

“I swear if you hurt him, I’ll-” they spat before being interrupted.

“I wouldn’t dream of hurting my special guest!” Bim laughed, placing a hand over his heart. “I’m not a monster, Dark!” Dark wasn’t so sure of that, but they weren’t really in a position to be arguing. “Now, Abe, darling, you must be absolutely starving! It has been two days after all, and you haven’t eaten a thing.”

Dark and Abe both went wide-eyed with shock. Two days? Dark shook his head. It couldn’t be. They’d only arrived a few hours ago. It was still Thursday, wasn’t it? It had to be, Bim’s show only aired on— Dark let out a groan. Bim’s show aired on Saturdays. They eyed the large, glowing block letters over Bim’s head that read, “Disc of Wishes: LIVE!”

“What will you start with, Abe?” Bim asked excitedly, eyes scanning the feast layed out in front of the detective as if he were the one starving, and not his guest. “Given your core, I’m sure you’d love the pig heart in gelatin. Perhaps, though, the duck confit? Or the cassoulet? What will it be?”

Abe eyed the dishes placed in front of him, looking as though he were seriously considering tasting one of the still-warm dishes. Dark looked them over as well, though with more suspicion than interest. Something didn’t sit right with them about the ornate meat spread.

Dark’s gaze landed on the ‘pig heart in gelatin,’ as Bim had called it. Abe had reached forward and pulled the dish towards himself, and was holding a fork over it, trying to figure out the best angle to go at the large portion.

Dark’s heart skipped a beat as they got a better look at the heart. They’d seen pig’s heart. They’d had it a few times at fancy parties. Whatever Abe was hesitantly scooping onto his fork was not pig’s heart, and suddenly Dark knew what Bim did with the bodies.

“Abe, wait!” Dark cried out loud enough for their voice to be heard backstage by Abe, making both him and Bim look at them. “That’s not pig, that’s human!”

Abe eyes went wide with shock as he gagged and spat the meat back into the dish, face turning green as he put a hand over his mouth.

Bim frowned. “Well, aren’t you one to ruin surprises,” he huffed, glaring down at Dark. “I was going to tell him later, but I suppose I could tell him now, since you were a bit impatient.”

“Tell him what?” Dark asked nervously. “He already knows that’s not a pig’s heart.” What else was there to say?

“Well, his core isn’t the only connection dear Abe has to this particular heart,” Bim explained. Abe looked down at the heart and back up at the screen. “I believe the fellow’s name was… oh, what was it? Ah, I remember! Evets Anderson.” Dark could see the color drain from Abe’s face. “I believe he was an old partner of yours, wasn’t he? Lovely contestant. He would have won, if it wasn’t for that tricky math question.”

Dark watched Abe’s eyes roll back in his head. The detective slumped over in his seat, passed out from shock. Bim frowned with disappointment.

“I’m coming for you, Abe!” Dark cried out, leaning forward. “Just hold on a little longer!”

“Don’t worry Dark, you’ll be joining him soon enough, in one way or another!” Bim laughed, clapping his hands together and turning to address the audience. “Now, we have a game to finish! Since this is our grand finale, we have some special rules! I will ask our last contestant a series of personal questions, to see how much they really know about themselves. If they get three wrong, they lose!”

Bim didn’t even bother with the wheel this time around, instead simply whipping out a white card covered in golden glitter. The audience waited with baited breath.

“And your first question is… ‘Who was the last person you dated?’ Ooh, now isn’t this an interesting one?” Bim leaned forwards on his podium, resting his head on one hand and the other hand on his hip, smirking self-righteously.

Dark stopped. They knew these questions were going to be rigged, but they didn’t think they were going to be this hard. They had almost run out of time before they realized they had to answer.

“No one,” they said, fingers pressing hard against their podium, violent red sparks beginning to form at the tips. They just had to gather enough power, and then they could break free.

“No one? Are you sure? Well, I’m very happy to say, you are incorrect!” Bim laughed, and so did the audience. Dark cursed under their breath, prompting Bim to suddenly appear next to them and place a finger on their lips. “Ah aahh, this is a family friendly show, Darkling!”

“Now, dear viewers for the next question!” Bim announced, reappearing back at his podium. He produced another card, this time having to shake off the large pile of glitter. Some of it managed to find its way to Dark, who shifted backwards to avoid it, while trying not to reveal that they had almost gotten one foot loose from the magical restraints.

“What is the worst pain you have ever felt?” This question made Dark stop and think. What was the worst pain they’d ever felt? Mental pain? Physical? They’d gotten hurt a lot over the years, but if they had to pick…

“…Being tu-… no, I can’t… that time on a case when I broke a leg. I had to walk with my cane for weeks.”

“Ah yes, your cane, the one you are so close to winning back. Unfortunately, you are incorrect! You almost answered correctly too, you were so close!” Bim flashed a sharp toothy grin. “That's strike two, Darkie! One more and you're out!”

Dark gritted their teeth. They were this close to breaking free, they just had to get this last one right and they could do it.

“Now for your next question! Be careful, it may be your last! What is… your real name?” Bim leaned on his podium, hand hovering over the panel of buttons. Dark was taken aback, it was such a simple yet impossible question to answer. They settled back, pulling at their coat.

“It's Dark,” they said with a flat tone.

“That is incorrect!” Bim chuckled. “However, I'm feeling quite generous tonight. I'll give you another shot to answer the question, truthfully this time. Now tell me, what is your real name?” he punctuated each word with a drum of his fingers on the podium. It was obvious he could hardly contain his excitement.

“My name is Dark,” they answered, bracing their arm against the podium. They almost had their other foot free. If they could just last a few more seconds they’d be able to run. Maybe they could go through the audience, or backstage, or make a detour to punch that creepy fucker in the face. On second thought, they wanted to get as far away from him as possible. The sooner they could find Abe and get out of this studio, the better.

“Incorrect again, ‘Dark’. I wish I could say I was disappointed, but this is an opportunity I simply can't pass up.” Bim smiled wider than what seemed humanly possible, showing off each sharp tooth, and Dark could swear they could see his eyes shine brighter in a purple hue. “You lose! Thank you for playing Disc of Wishes! See you soon!” He lifted his arm high up in the air before bringing his finger down on the button.

In the split second before the trap door opened, there was a blinding explosion of red, blue, and purple light. Bim stumbled back, shielding his eyes.

“What the hell?!” Bim yelled. Dark had no time to hesitate, they sprinted from the podium, tearing away the curtain to backstage, the audience's boos and screams drowning out into the background.

Dark grinned as they turned around the corner to Bim’s dressing room. Cane first, then Abe, and then they could finally get out of this damned studio. They would never have to see Bim’s face again, and they could get back to chasing after Wilford.

Just as Dark reached the dressing room door, they felt a tug in their chest, and suddenly they were being yanked backwards, dragged back towards the stage. They tried to grab onto nearby objects to stop themself, or dig their heels into the ground to at least slow down, but to no avail. Before they could figure out what was going on or how to stop it, they were thrust back onto the now empty stage, directly under a large spotlight.

“That was quite the escape attempt!” Bim laughed. “I must say, I’m quite impressed with your little trick! However, you did lose, and rules are rules!”

Dark was helpless as a large hole opened up beneath them, and they were plunged into darkness. The last thing they saw before they lost consciousness was Bim’s illuminated face, smiling down at them.

.

.

.

Dark woke up tied to another director’s chair. This time, however, they weren’t in Bim’s dressing room. The area around them was pitch black, only interrupted by a few illuminated cages of various sizes, a couple of which held dead or dying animals. The cages to Dark’s left and right held Mat and Ryan respectively, but they didn’t seem to be themselves anymore. Both of them stood motionless in the centers of their cages, eyes half closed and lightless. They both looked like mindless, soulless… husks…

Dark felt the blood drain from their face as they realized where they were. This was where the contestants went. Where they all, one by one, lost their souls to Bim Trimmer. Dark tried to twist around in their seat, attempting to get a good look at how many cages were around them, but only a few others were illuminated, and it was hard to judge how many sat in the darkness.

“How cute,” Bim’s voice hummed from the blackness in front of Dark. “You really did think you could get away from me.” He stepped in to the edge of the light, and Dark suddenly noticed the large circle their chair was sitting in the center of. A few concentric circles closed in around Dark, filled with strange, Dark Age symbols that dredged up bad memories. It flashed purple as Bim’s polished shoe touched its edge. “I do love when my dinner has some fight in it. Gives the soul extra spice.”

Dark’s breathing quickened, and they swung their head around wildly, searching desperately for some sort of escape. There had to be some way to escape, right? They attempted to push against Bim’s magic with their own, but it only seemed to backfire, the bonds tightening against them, searing into their skin and making them let out a strangled cry.

“You’re still trying to escape?” Bim sighed, walking forward until he was directly in front of Dark. “I told you before, Darkiepoo, rules are rules. You lost, and now you’re all mine.” Bim let out a deep chuckle and ran his tongue over his jagged teeth as he bent down to look Dark dead in the eyes. Dark tensed and tried to lean away as much as they could. The show host took in a deep breath through his nose and leaned in too close for comfort, flicking out his tongue and brushing it against Dark’s face. They nearly gagged as Bim let out a pleased sigh. “You taste so good already. You really will be a treat. I’m so lucky to get someone like yourself, you’re practically a three-course meal all on your own. But don’t worry, I’m not going to indulge myself right away. I’m going to savor this, perhaps keep a little memento? Maybe one of those pretty eyeballs of yours. I could put it in a little jar in my dressing room, to remember you by.”

Bim pulled away, looking over Dark like a tiger ready to pounce on a cornered deer. He walked back to the edge of the circle, brushing the floor with one hand as he knelt. Dark shut their eyes, but opened them quickly as they heard something solid being placed on the ground. Their cane. It shimmered in the spotlight, so close, yet more out of reach than ever before.

Dark squeezed their eyes shut again as Bim began muttering unintelligible words and the circle started to glow a royal purple hue. Dark felt their mouth being pried open by thin, magic-made fingers. They could sense the restraints on their wrists and ankles fall away, but it didn’t even matter at this point, they were so terrified they couldn’t move. They gagged as the hand began to force itself down their throat. Dark’s head was filled with an ear splitting sound, and they could feel themself losing consciousness again. Tears welled up in their eyes as searing pain burned their mouth and neck and they gagged again, choking on the corrupted dark magic. This was it. They were going to die here. Abe wouldn’t even know what had happened to them, and they were going to die alone. They didn’t even have enough energy to scream.

Suddenly, the hand was gone, and Dark coughed and sputtered as they took in several quick deep breaths, the air burning their damaged throat. They- they were still alive? They opened their eyes and looked around wildly, eyes landing quickly on something bright pink and yellow. Wilford? The thief stood toe to toe with Bim, tangled in a passionate embrace that made Dark avert their eyes and look down at the ground. They weren’t sure how or when Wilford had gotten here, but it didn’t really matter. What mattered was that, whether on accident or not, Wilford’s left foot had shifted towards Dark, smudging the edge of the circle. Dark could feel a weight lift off of them.

As silently as they could, while Bim was still occupied, Dark slipped out of the chair and into the darkness, grabbing their cane as they did. They had to get out while they could, before he noticed they were gone. Dark took one glance back at Bim and Wilford, sending a reluctant thank you nod to the pink bastard.

Dark felt their way to the wall, almost bumping into more cages than they could count. As their eyes adjusted to the blackness, they could finally see a rectangular hole in the wall close to them, with stairs leading upward into more darkness. Dark picked up their pace and practically scrambled up the stairs, pushing out through a trapdoor in Bim’s dressing room. They closed the door behind them, pulling the vanity over it for extra measure. Now they just needed to find Abe, and they could get out of there.

Dark walked quickly through the halls, trying to be as quiet as possible. The whole studio had an air of one of those places that either needed to be consumed with noise or dead quiet, and right now it was definitely the latter. The whole place felt like a maze, and Dark was starting to lose hope that they would ever find Abe.

They pulled one last door open at the far end of a hallway, and their spirits lifted as they saw the table in front of them, still covered in a large array of food. Abe wasn’t at his seat anymore, instead curled up in the far corner, his whole body shaking and his eyes wide as tears ran down his face.

“Abe?” Dark said softly, voice sore and scratchy. The head detective jumped, scrambling against the wall. He relaxed when he saw Dark, and he stood up quickly, smoothing out his coat and clearing his throat.

“Took you long enough,” Abe grumbled, glaring down at the floor as he walked over to Dark.

“I was busy getting my soul almost removed,” Dark whispered hoarsely. They tensed at first when Abe wrapped one arm around their shoulders, but soon relaxed, returning the gesture. Their tone was kinder when they spoke again. “Are you good to walk?”

Abe nodded and removed his arm. “I never want to see this fucking studio again as long as I live,” the detective said firmly, eyes betraying his fear as he looked over at Dark.

“The feeling’s mutual. Now let’s get out of here quick, before he realizes we’re gone,” Dark said, turning quick to go back the way they came. They weren’t looking forward to navigating the maze of hallways again, but the sooner they tried the better.

It took about five minutes before the two found a door that lead to the abandoned warehouse they had entered in. As soon as the door closed behind them, Dark glanced at it to see that it didn’t exist anymore, and in its place was a plain wall. They sighed, shuddering once more as thoughts of the disturbing show host crossed their mind. Focusing their magic, they formed a quick communicator and sent a short message to the Committee with their location and a request to be quick. They would already know the two needed help, and a lot of it.

#wwoww au story #wwoww bim #wwoww dark #wwoww abe #wwoww wilford #darkiplier #Wilford Warfstache #bim trimmer #markiplier

[wwoww-au]

say hello to your main characters and happy first post - mod finn

#wwoww au #wwoww dark #wwoww wilford #wwoww refsheet #markiplier #au

[wwoww-au]

All That Glitters

Dark and Abe strode in through the Great Library’s entrance. Shelves stuffed with books towered over them, ascending out of view. They had been there plenty of times before on past cases for information, but they still didn’t know quite where they needed to go. No one did. The whole place was like an ever-shifting labyrinth. One day the Ancient Middle-Eastern History section would be south by southeast, the next it would be on the third floor due west. It was easy to get hopelessly lost.

The only one who had any clue where anything was located was the head librarian, Google, who was mostly referred to as G. The detectives cautiously approached the large desk in the center of the room where G was sitting with his face in a book. The book had no title on its cover, but he seemed to be enjoying it, a gentle smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Beside him, a deep blue quill was writing on its own against a stack of papers. Upon further inspection, Dark could just barely read the numbers of pi being put in order. He matched Abe’s equally confused glance, but they shook it off. The Library was a life form of its own, and no one asked questions if they wanted to keep their sanity intact. Abe cleared his throat before speaking up.

“Good to see you, G,” Abe greeted. “We were wondering if you could help us on a case we’re working on.”

G flipped a page of his book, and for a moment, Dark wasn’t sure if the librarian had heard Abe or not. The quill gently brushed aside the paper at the top of the stack before continuing onto the next sheet.

“What is it you need exactly?” G asked, not looking up from his book. He seemed mostly disinterested in the two. If anything, Dark would have guessed he was slightly irritated at being interrupted.

“We’re trying to track down someone named ‘Marvin the Magnificent.’ He’s a conman of some sort, might have ties to Warfstache,” Dark explained, eager to get on with the case. G said nothing for a moment until he flipped to the next page in his book. Dark tapped their foot impatiently.

“My apprentice will help you with that,” G said casually, picking up a quill and jotting something down on a notepad. Abe and Dark looked at each other in confusion. Having an apprentice in itself wasn’t too odd; plenty of wizards had apprentices. Google, however, hadn’t had an apprentice in years, ever since the last one went missing in the Dead Zone.

“Since when did you have an apprentice?” Abe asked. Considering he was the head of a department that regularly used the library’s resources, it was weird for him not to have been told. He should have been updated as soon as the apprentice was taken on.

“He was assigned to me last month.” G checked a nearby clock, frowning a bit before going back to his book. “He should be along right about now, actually.”

That didn’t make any sense either. Classes at the Academy had only ended a couple of weeks earlier, and the selection process for special jobs like this usually took a while. How could he have been assigned a month ago?

Just as Dark started to question Google’s sanity, they heard a scream from above, followed by a loud thud and a quiet “Ow…” coming from behind them. Turning around, they spotted the end of a portal closing and a newly disrupted pile of books.

“Ah, there he is,” G said, looking completely unfazed by his apprentice’s entrance. “Detectives, this is my apprentice, Bing. You may call him ‘B.’” G gestured to the teen, who was now jumping up from the ground as if he didn’t just fall from the ceiling.

“Suh dudes,” B greeted, a happy grin plastered on his face. “I finished organizing the Portal section like you asked, G.”

“Excellent, but I have a new task for you. B, these two are from the Crime Department. They’re trying to find one ‘Marvin the Magnificent.’ Go fetch his file and the Map, would you? The file is in the Biographies section, and the Map is in the Magical Objects section, Heart subsection,” G ordered, his voice never changing from its uninterested tone. “You’ll know it when you see it.” B sighed, his smile fading into a dejected frown for a brief second. He perked up again quickly though, waving to the detectives before running down the aisle of bookshelves directly behind G’s desk and disappearing from sight.

G turned to watch B run off before finally getting up from his desk and walking between Abe and Dark as if they weren’t even there. He crouched down, picking up an armful of the books B had knocked over and carrying them over to the nearest bookshelf. The two detectives only watched as he began placing books on the shelf without any apparent rhyme or reason.

“So.. how’s the apprentice?” Abe said, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

“Good,” G replied, placing one last book before turning to look at him. “It’s nice to have an extra set of hands around here. A bit dull-minded, but he has… potential.”

“What made you choose him? I mean, he seems so… different from you,” Dark asked. They weren’t usually one to delve into gossip, but they couldn’t not ask questions when they saw a mystery. The difference they’d picked up on just observing the two for less than a minute was clearer than night and day. Bing was enthusiastic, sociable, and kind, while Google was… well, Google wasn’t.

“I didn’t,” G said as if he expected Dark to understand exactly what he meant. As he walked back over to his desk, a loud roar was heard from somewhere to the left, followed by a scream from what had to be B.

“What do you mean, you didn’t choose him?” Dark asked, now only more confused and eyeing with fear the direction the sounds had come from. G looked off towards the distant sounds and sighed.

“I told him not to cut through the Deep Sea section again... “ he huffed, voice as monotone as ever. “As to the answer to your question, it’s like I said. I didn’t choose him. Simple as that.”

Dark opened their mouth to ask more questions, but was distracted by movement to their right. They could see someone sprinting down one of the aisles, and as they got closer they could see that the person was B. The apprentice skidded to a stop once he reached the central circle, collapsing onto his knees in an exhausted pile of sweat, salt water, and scarf. He held a file and box above his head like trophies, proud that he had even made it out alive.

“Thank you, B, now go file that under ‘Children’s Books’,” G said, taking the objects from him and dismissively pointing him toward a cart of books. B groaned, but stumbled to his feet and trudged over to the cart anyway.

“I’m assuming you have something belonging to the criminal? It won’t work without it,” G said, clearing away some space and placing the file and box on his desk. He opened the box and looked pointedly at Abe, who dug into his pocket and pulled out the glittering business card, taking a couple steps forward to hand it to G. He examined the card closely.

“It’s preferable to use an object that the person cherishes, but I suppose this will do.” G placed the card inside the box and closed the lid. He held his hands above the box, a cloud of light blue sparks enveloping it. “Once you open the lid, you’ll only have a few hours before the spell wears off and the map becomes useless.” When the last of the sparks faded away, he pushed the box across the desk. “Good luck, detectives.”

“Thank you, G,” Dark said, taking the box with their free hand and tucking it and the file under their arm. The librarian only nodded and picked his book up again, making it clear that the conversation was now over. Abe and Dark exchanged uncomfortable looks before stepping outside and onto the long marble staircase.

Dark stumbled and nearly dropped the map G had given them as they almost collided with someone coming up the stairs. Dark was ready to snap at whatever rookie hadn’t been watching where they were going, but stopped when they realized who they’d run into.

Doctor Henrik von Schneeplestein brushed his sleeve, a mildly irritated look creasing his brow as it usually did. Flecks of gray peppered his dark brown hair, and his glasses sat askew across his face, slightly obscuring the doctor’s dull blue-gray eyes. He was wearing the same thing he always seemed to be wearing; a dark blueish black tunic with black pants and tall dark boots. He backed down a few steps, moving to the side to let Dark and Abe pass.

“Sorry, Doctor,” Dark apologized, stepping back as well to push the library door back open for Henrik. “I didn’t see you there.”

Henrik made no move to step inside the library, only eying Dark with a look they couldn’t quite interpret. Sympathy, perhaps. “It’s fine,” he sighed, straightening his glasses. “And don’t bother. I can’t go in.”

Dark awkwardly let the door shut behind them and glanced over at Abe briefly before looking back at Henrik. “Why not?” They knew Henrik had done something unforgivable in the past, and that was why his magic item was broken, but no one had told them why. Whenever Dark asked, they were always met with uncomfortable glances and awkward excuses.

“Something a long time ago,” Henrik answered, sounding suddenly much more tired than he usually did. “Regardless, the library doesn’t want me going inside again, and personally, I don’t blame it.” The doctor leaned against the ornate metal banister, slowly lowering himself to sit down on the stairs. “You two seem very busy,” he added, forcing a polite smile. “I’ll let you carry on your business.”

“What about G-”

“He knows I’m here,” Henrik interrupted. “He’ll be out in a moment.”

Dark opened his mouth to volunteer to get G for Henrik, but was stopped by Abe tugging on their sleeve. The head detective shook his head and started walking down the stairs. Dark followed close behind, giving Henrik one last glance as they descended before he disappeared out of view.

.

.

After reading Marvin’s file, Dark expected that he would be hiding somewhere large and glamorous, like Las Vegas. Somewhere fast paced, with lots of people and plenty of entertainment. Instead, they found themself walking through the streets of a small Mundane town in eastern Europe. While there were a few tourists, it definitely didn’t scream ‘flamboyant con-wizard’ to Dark, but there had to be clues around somewhere. As they and Abe walked into the town square, they spotted colorful buildings, a large fountain, a green cart, and numerous posters taped up all over the place. On the buildings, the lampposts, the giant fountain thing in the middle, and more just blowing around in the wind. Abe managed to grab one and showed it to Dark. It was a green piece of paper, an advertisement for a show, one side written in Czech, but the other thankfully in English.

“‘Come see Marvin The Magnificent today! Show starts at 12:00, look for the green cart,’” Dark read. Checking their watch, they had about forty-five minutes until then.

“Guess we found our clue,” Abe muttered, stuffing the ad in one of his many coat pockets. Dark followed closely behind him to the flamboyant cart, scanning it up and down. It was rather large, four wheeled and attached to a horse that was laser focused on pulling what little grass it could snatch growing out of the pavement. It was all very green, and seemed to be one of those carts that could extend into a small stage. There was a door on one end of it which Abe spotted and knocked on, and some shuffling sounds could be heard from the inside.

“Just a second!” A sing-songy voice called out from inside. The door opened to reveal a masked man wearing a shiny blue bathrobe, with tall sparkly green boots covering the visible parts of his legs. Long, equally glittery green gloves went halfway up his arms. “I have to finish my- oh. Well, hello there. What brings you two to my humble home? The magic show isn’t for another forty minutes.”

“Are you Marvin the Magnificent?” Dark asked, straight to the point. Clearly he recognized them as wizards, but apparently was deciding to play ignorant. Probably didn’t want his cover blown in a town full of mundanes.

“Yes, the one and only!” Marvin answered cheerfully, taking a sweeping bow. “Did you want an autograph? Or maybe you’d be more interested in some of my wares? I do have quite a few exotic items if you’d like. Usually I wait until after the show to open shop, but I think I could make—”

“We’re not here for your show, or your shop,” Abe snapped, tapping his foot impatiently. “We need— Hey! Are you listening to me?” Marvin had retreated some into his cart, muttering under his breath as he dug through something Dark couldn’t see. Turning back, he adjusted his robe and looked down at Dark and Abe, appearing slightly apologetic.

“Sorry, dears,” Marvin sighed dramatically. “I’m a bit busy at the moment. Perhaps you could come back after the show?” He leaned heavily against the doorframe, letting his bathrobe slide off of one shoulder seductively. Dark looked down at their feet, suddenly feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

Abe let out a tired groan and rubbed his temples with one hand. “Fine,” he grunted, glaring at Marvin. “We’ll see you after your show.”

Marvin bounced to his feet, clapping his hands together and producing a small shower of green glitter from his gloves. “Excellent,” he purred, beaming down at Dark and Abe. “I look forward to it.” The door to the cart slammed shut before either detective could say anything else, leaving them standing in stunned silence. Nearby, the horse huffed and shook itself.

“Well, I’m not looking forward to seeing him again,” Abe said finally, not waiting for Dark before starting off towards the nearest cafe, “but I guess we don’t really have a choice.” The head detective ran his hands along the side of his head, clearly frustrated with having to wait. For as long as Dark had known him, Abe had never been a very patient man.

The two watched in silence from across the square as Marvin finished setting up the stage. Dark had a black coffee, and Abe was pouring over the file they had gotten from G. The crowd was fairly large for such a small town, though most of them didn’t look like they were from the area. The show began exactly at noon, with a large explosion of green glitter and some loud, dramatic music.

As Dark watched, slowly sipping their drink, they noticed that while most of Marvin’s ‘magic’ tricks were cheap and easy, he was definitely capable of using some rather impressive magic. Half of his tricks that would usually be done by using invisible strings or hidden panels were instead done using real magic. Marvin’s bright green sparks were hidden easily by his equally bright green gloves. The show lasted around half an hour, ending with the magician bowing and the audience cheering as they were showered with more glitter. Abe immediately stuffed the file back in his coat, standing up and briskly walking over to the cart. Dark sighed, gulping down the last of their coffee and hurrying to catch up to him.

Abe moved to knock on the door, but it opened just before his hand hit it. Marvin was standing there in his full show garb, and smiled when he saw the two detectives.

“Oh yes, you two! I had to cut my sales off early today, but you seem like you might be worth it,” Marvin sighed, dramatically leaning against the door frame. He spun around and walked into the cart, cape giving a perfect dramatic swoosh. “Come on in, I’ve just finished putting the props away.”

Dark and Abe exchanged puzzled glances before walking in. To their surprise, it was far bigger on the inside than the outside. They were in some kind of living room, and it looked like there was an entire house compressed into the area of the tiny little cart.

“Permanent spatial distortion? Do you have a permit for this?” Abe asked, stepping around a pile of half-finished fake wands. There was a spiral staircase leading upstairs in the corner, and a door leading to a kitchen right next to it. In the the living room, there was a blue couch facing across from a coffee table and an ornate red velvet fainting couch, where Marvin lay sprawled in a suitably dramatic pose. Dark and Abe took seats on the other couch. Dark glanced around the room, noticing all sorts of fake magical items strewn about in boxes and on shelves. Crystal balls made of plastic, leather-bound books with nonsensical symbols drawn on the covers, cloaks literally covered in sequins; all items that any wizard could discern as fake, but looked real enough to trick an unsuspecting mundane.

“Permit? No. Am I supposed to?” the conman asked innocently, shifting into another dramatic pose.

“Of course you- you know what? That’s not what we’re here for,” Dark interrupted themself, straight to the point as always. “We’re from the Crime Department.”

“The Crime Department?” Marvin echoed back in a shocked tone, sitting up in his seat and placing a gloved hand to his heart. “What do policemen like yourselves want with little old me?” Dark glanced around at all the fake items again. From what they read in his file, he used these to scam desperate mundanes out of their money with promises of magical solutions to their problems. There was enough incriminating evidence in this room alone to get Marvin thrown into prison and his magical item destroyed. However, they still needed him for answers on this far more important case. They would call in some officers to arrest him once Dark and Abe had gotten what they needed.

“We’re looking for a Time wizard by the name of Wilford Warfstache. He stole something very important from the Wizard Committee, and we have it under good authority that you know where to find him,” Dark explained, leaning forward in their seat.

“Oh, you’re looking for Will?” Marvin asked softly, his mask barely obscuring the deep red that was spreading across his face. He quickly regained his composure and stood up, leaving his cape on the couch. He brushed past Dark, and began pacing around the room as if he was in deep thought, heels clicking against the hardwood floor. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to help you with that, I haven’t seen him for a good while.” Marvin paused with his back to Dark and Abe. “Your name is actually ‘Dark’? A bit on the nose, don’t you think? Ah, well, who am I to judge?” Dark glanced over in confusion, standing up quickly and patting around their coat when they saw the magician was flipping through their wallet.

“Hey! When did you-” they started to yell before they were cut off by Marvin tossing the wallet back toward them.

“Here’s an important lesson about magic. Don’t watch the mouth, watch the hands,” he said, giving wild jazz hands that glittered in the lamp light. “Honestly, as a detective I’d think you’d know this.” He collapsed back onto the fainting couch.

“I’m still new to this…” Dark grumbled, checking their wallet only to find it empty. “Hey, give me my money back!”

“What money? Even if I were to have some of your money, check the sign on the door. No refunds.” Marvin winked, reclining back. Dark thought they spied a piece of paper peeking out of Marvin’s glove.

“We’re getting off topic,” Abe interrupted, purposefully ignoring the dirty look Dark shot at him as they shoved the wallet back into their pocket and sat down, crossing their arms. “I don’t care if it’s been a while, we need any information we can get our hands on to catch this guy. Did he tell you where he was going?”

“Even if he did,” Marvin began, pretending to examine his gloved hands, “why should I tell you? What’s in it for me?” He glanced over at the detectives, a mischievous gleam in his eyes.

Dark wanted to get up and smack the greedy magician until he begged for mercy, but they knew that that would get them nowhere. They ran their hands down their face, inciting a small chuckle from Marvin. “What do you want?” Dark asked finally, immediately regretting their choice of words.

Marvin’s eyes lit up and a grin spread across his face. He looked the wizards over eagerly, no doubt trying to assess how much money they were carrying. Dark reached for where they had rested their cane against the couch to steady themself against this clearly insane man, but surprisingly found it missing.

“How about this?” Marvin asked, balancing the cane on one finger. “I’ve been looking for a new cane for my act, and this one’s already got some delicious magic in it, I can tell.” He bounced up from the couch and twirled the cane like a baton in one hand. Dark leaped to their feet and snatched the cane away from Marvin, clutching it tight to their chest.

“No,” Dark snapped, making Marvin frown. “Not now. Not ever. Anything but the cane.” Marvin fell back onto his couch, heaving a dramatic sigh.

“Fine,” Marvin huffed, eyeing the cane with envy. “That was an excellent bargain, but I see you’re going to be tough customers.” Was Marvin seriously treating them like customers? Dark’s brow furrowed with irritation, and they could tell Abe was struggling to keep his composure.

“Are you sure there isn’t anything else you want?” Abe asked, voice tense with frustration. “Money, jewelry, less time on your prison sentence?”

Marvin laughed at this, which only made Dark want to punch him even more. “Oh, dear,” Marvin chuckled, briefly lifting his mask to wipe his eyes. Dark caught a brief glimpse of a dark green iridescent scar running down the center of Marvin’s forehead to the end of his nose before it was covered by his mask again. “You really think you’re going to catch me? That’s adorable.” Dark twisted the cane in their hands.

“Look, Marvin,” Abe said slowly, “we just want information on Warfstache. We’ll give you anything you want, except the cane, so long as you hold up your end of the bargain.”

“This is an awfully nice badge,” Marvin hummed, now holding Abe’s wallet and flipping through its folds. “Imagine the places I could get into with this…”

“Hey!” Abe yelled, jumping to his feet and reaching for the holster at his belt. “How did you- When did you- Give that back!”

“Don’t bother,” Marvin muttered, casually waving Abe’s gun in the air. “And you did say ‘anything,’ dear detective.” The conman tucked the wallet into his pocket and examined the gun closely. “I’ll take these.”

Abe sputtered angrily, his face beet red. Dark let out a sympathetic sigh and patted Abe on his arm. The head detective stomped his foot before sitting back down on the couch, glaring furiously at Marvin.

“Thank you, Marvin,” Dark said, forcing themself to sound calm. “Now your end of the deal.”

Marvin set the gun on a side table and tapped his chin thoughtfully. “What was that, again?”

“Don’t play dumb, conman,” Abe snapped. “Warfstache. Where is he?”

“Ah, of course,” Marvin purred. “I have no idea.”

“We know he was here,” Dark said, irritation creeping into their voice. “He must have mentioned something about where he was headed.”

“Who said he was here?” Marvin asked, smiling naively.

“His shoe is on the stairs!”

Marvin glanced over at the offending bright yellow shoe and let out a defeated sigh. “Fine, fine,” he said sadly. “You’re really twisting my arm here.” He let one of his legs dangle off the couch, casually kicking another yellow shoe further under. “He’s with Bim.” Marvin looked partially ashamed of himself, but it was hard to tell with his face half hidden.

“Bim?” Abe repeated, going pale. “Bim Trimmer? The Bim Trimmer?” Marvin only gave a slight nod, and Abe and Dark exchanged anxious looks. Of course Warfstache was with him.

“Can you take us to him?” Dark asked. Marvin started to open his mouth to talk, but Dark held up their hand, stopping him. “We’ll pay you.”

Marvin beamed. “Your watch, then,” he said, pointing at Dark’s wrist. “And any money you have left on you.”

“Money, yes,” Dark growled, “but not my watch.”

Marvin’s face fell, and he pursed his lips in annoyance. “Why not? It’s just a watch.” Dark only glared, and the magician shrugged. “Fine. I want your badge, though.” He stood up as Dark produced their wallet, swiftly taking it out of their hand and tossing it along with Abe’s wallet onto a small basket brimming with numberless other wallets. He walked into the kitchen, and for a minute, didn’t return. Abe and Dark both flinched as a bright green flash of light illuminated the main room from the kitchen entrance.

Marvin stepped out of the kitchen, brushing his hands together before pulling his gloves back on. “We’re here,” he said, grabbing his cape as he walked past the fainting couch. He pulled the door open and stepped outside, revealing a dirty cobblestone street.

Dark couldn’t tell where they’d travelled to, but it certainly wasn’t Czechia. Rain drizzled lightly, forming puddles in the cracks in the road. A couple stray cats hissed at each other over a half-eaten paper tray of fish and chips next to a knocked over trash can. Across the street, a large warehouse door was partially open. Dark stood up just in time to see the figure of Warfstache run into the open warehouse door, closing it behind him.

“There he is!” Dark shouted, running out the door with Abe close behind. They pulled the warehouse door open, letting the dim gray light illuminate the space. Warfstache stood over a crate, his back turned to Dark and Abe.

“It’s over, Warfstache,” Abe said loudly, voice echoing through the room. The thief didn’t seem to acknowledge them, simply rocking back on his heels.

Dark glanced over briefly at Abe before stepping forward cautiously. Warfstache had either gone deaf, or was actually going to let them catch him. A pit of uneasiness settled in Dark’s stomach. Something didn’t feel right about this.

They finally reached Warfstache, and he still hadn’t noticed Dark. Cautiously, they reached out to place their hand on his shoulder. Just as they touched Warfstache, he vanished in a puff of green sparks and glitter. Something hit the ground with a heavy thud behind Dark, and they spun around.

Marvin wiped something shiny off his mouth and stepped over Abe’s unconscious body. “You really should know better than to trust an illusionist,” Marvin purred. Before Dark could react, Marvin blew them a kiss, sending a spray of green glitter at Dark. They were out as soon as it hit them.

.

.

“...Outdone yourself this time, Marvin, darling,” a voice said, voice dripping with sweet charisma.

Dark’s head was filled with the sound of their own heartbeat.

“Told you I would,” Marvin hummed pridefully. “You’d better pay extra, my dear.”

They couldn’t move. Something was binding them.

“I will, I will,” the other voice reassured softly. “Don’t worry.”

Dark let themself slip back into unconsciousness.

#wwoww au #wwoww dark #wwoww abe #wwoww au story #wwoww marvin #wwoww google #wwoww bing #wwoww wilford #markiplier

[wwoww-au]

“What the-?!”

What’s Wilford pointing at? What’s got Dark so surprised? Why are they wearing each other’s clothes?! 

The world may never know.

-mod Crow

#mod crow #wwoww dark #wwoww wilford #crows art #dark looks adorable #i love them