#wish i could just confidently make decisions like normal ppl do | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jostenneil · 3 years

Note

do you think that people that praise nobara but bash sakura actually cares about a good written female character in the shonen? idk it seems like ppl attach this title to female characters that have a “no shit attitude” and good physical strength. but what’s wrong with being vulnerable and insecure but having the agency to grow from it? In fact, I would argue sakura has more agency and these traits and complexity than nobara does.

Bluntly speaking? No, I don’t think they do. To me, what’s been so influential about Sakura as a character and her impact on female shounen heroines to follow is the fact that she is very much a product of shoujo tropes and narratives moreso than shounen ones, and that caught people off guard (to the point that it angered them, obviously). I would actually say that what makes her so likeable and relatable to me as a character is that emotionally she’s far more messy than Naruto or Sasuke, who are actually pretty straight laced in the majority of their actions and decisions. They respond very logically to their individual traumas in opposing manners, and that’s what sets the stage for their series-long clash as rivals or something more.

Sakura, in comparison, isn’t someone whose feelings, decisions, or actions are as clear cut. In the beginning, she’s a little bit selfish, a little bit mean, and it takes the range of her experiences during Part I to mold her into someone with a broader sense of empathy and kindness. Sakura is a normal girl living a normal life who just wants to have a normal crush, until she’s thrust into a team of people all traumatized in some of the worst ways possible, and she has to learn to cope with that while maintaining her own sense of identity and purpose. That’s something that especially becomes a focal point of her growth after the time skip, and as a whole it’s a narrative arc very reflective of the classic shoujo. The thing about her story that’s compelling is there’s this constant back and forth between loyalty to love or duty. Sakura is someone dedicated to building up her strength and skill for the purpose of contributing to and supporting her village, but at heart she’s also the same girl from her childhood who just wants to live a normal life, for her friends to be okay, and for the boy she loves to realize that he is someone worthy of love in the first place. The complexity of that interplay over the course of Part II absolutely fascinates me, especially because it’s something she struggles so much with. A lot of people tend to act like Sakura is naïve or blind to the reality of her circumstances, but I would argue that she’s the most emotionally and realistically grounded member of her team. It’s what makes her internal emotional struggle so hard, because she’s fully aware of the realities, but they nonetheless break her heart and she doesn’t actually like having to acknowledge them. It’s an incredibly human response, and why I think her actions during the Kage Summit Arc and even afterward are so understandable, because, yes, there is strife and blood and war, but doesn’t love still mean something in the end? I think shounen fans who tend to hate her absolutely abhor that aspect of her character, because they can’t stand to see someone who would dare go against the grain of what makes battle shounen so addictive and enjoyable a genre. They’re being asked to contend with a character with more complex motivations and feelings, and they can’t stand it, especially because that complexity manifests in the form of a character who doesn’t have the heart to hurt the people she loves, because more than anything, she just wants them to be okay first. It’s not wrong that Naruto’s philosophy with regards to Sasuke is to fight violence with violence, that’s his prerogative, and there’s reasoning behind it. But there’s also nothing wrong with Sakura trying to appeal to Sasuke’s emotional side first, especially since he is someone who has been so thoroughly traumatized into relying on violence as a coping mechanism. That’s something she acutely recognizes, and yet somehow, it’s almost impossible for a good portion of shounen fans to recognize this themselves, and so you have either people who egg on Sasuke’s dismissive behavior with her or people who act like he’s the devil incarnate because his extensive trauma makes him respond non-ideally. There’s no room for nuance, because at the end of the day, a girl who cries over the boy she loves, or who cries at all, is a miserable human being and has no place in a shounen, regardless of her feats otherwise.

And then, we have Nobara, who admittedly is a cool character, too! I like how her back story shapes her philosophy with regards to her admiration of and cooperation with the people around her, and how that mindset of hers grows and changes as she spends time with the other students at Jujutsu High. But, while it does present an interesting premise and fairly logical growth pattern, there’s honestly. . . not much more to it beyond that? Nobara is never paid the same amount of attention by the narrative as are Yuji and Megumi, and then it’s not like challenges to her philosophy are a significant focal point of the story (in the sense that it’s not really like her personal arc majorly shapes the story itself). It shows up where it’s needed, and then it’s more or less pretty neatly resolved and tied up with its own bow within a hundred or so chapters. Could she come back from the “dead”, and there theoretically be more done with her character? Maybe. The recent interview from Gege where he talks about the circumstances of her death was interesting. But something he also talked about in that interview is how the series is more than halfway over, and it’s like, is there really a lot more that he can accomplish with her narrative arc when there’s so much else that’s more important and needs to be resolved? I think people like Nobara because she’s someone confident in her own motives and her own sense of self, and that’s great! I love to see characters like that. But it’s also ridiculous to see her constantly lauded over Sakura when she’s hardly afforded a comparable significance to her own story, let alone an extensive character arc where her own personal development matters and is constantly challenged at large. People are far more concerned with dominant expressions of feminism, and that being synonymous with a “strong” female character, than anything actually bordering on a complex and fully realized character. And I don’t mean this in any sense as a criticism to people who like Nobara’s character. I’m just saying that it’s sad to see shounen fans constantly settle for bare minimum and not ask for more, or seek out more for themselves. Nobara, and several of the other female characters in Jujutsu Kaisen, deserve to have their narratives and characters be fleshed out on par with those of the boys. I wish more people were willing to acknowledge that.

#sakura haruno #naruto #jujutsu kaisen #mine:media analysis #not even going to tag nbr bc frankly her fans are crazy but whatever #i hope if people read this they actually glean something from it #and thank you anon for the question #in short i completely agree with you lol #asks

95 notes · View notes

i-am-a-passenger · 3 years

Text

Grace getting off the train hc list:

image description: a spin on the “you’ve been in a coma for x amount of time” meme featuring Grace. Grace’s head is poorly edited onto the face on the patient and the nurse is touching her shoulder saying “you’ve been on the train for ten years” Grace replies “can’t wait to go outside where there’s no pandemic”. end description.

this one ended up incredibly long...

- Grace’s number was built up over the course of 8 years where Simon was retraumatising her and she was making herself worse for other ppl’s approval out of a misguided idea of what she was supposed to do, that sort of trauma and straying from the recovery the train intended for her will take a long time to recover from, so Grace gets off the train 2 maybe 3 years after Book 3 finishes.

- also I like to think that she and her kid friends moved out of the mall car to somewhere else and set up a new camp there, and that some of them waited after getting their exits for Grace to get hers so they could leave together. And so Grace wouldn’t be alone on the train since that’s a huge source of anguish for her and I like the idea of some of the older kids in their teens looking after Grace and making sure she isn’t forced into a perfect leader role again and is able to take time to herself to look after her mental health and pursue hobbies and such so when she gets off the train she’s in a much better headspace and able to have healthier mutually caring relationships with people.

- Grace’s parents never stopped looking for her okay they love her :’[ but losing your only child for several years took a huge toll on their relationship and gave them lots of time to reflect on their not perfect behaviour and realise they were hurting Grace and why they treated her that way.

(taking huge inspiration from @blackfemmecharacterdependency ‘s no train au for Grace’s family here...) Grace’s mother realised she was living vicariously through her daughter and that her investment in Grace’s dancing and fame wasn’t healthy. So with Grace gone for such a long time and her unable to do that she turned inward and realised that about herself, and set to making her own life better and happier for herself so she wouldn’t need to project all these standards and unfulfilled dreams onto her daughter.

I like to think that Grace’s mum used to be like, a singer or an actress or something and was convinced to give that up by her husband to raise their daughter, and with Grace gone she returns to her career and reconnects with her old friends and colleagues. Also it’s important to me that as part of this she stops straightening her hair and goes natural, and while she still dresses fancy she does so more for herself than keeping up professional appearances. So when Grace comes back she’s ready to be accepting of her fashion choices and self expression rather than control her.

As for Grace’s dad, he seems like the type who’s overly invested in what things should be like to the point where he ignores or tries to change how things actually are, even if doing so hurts people. Like, when he got told Grace had shoplifted his response was “Grace would never steal” and he argues with the police officer, which really hurts Grace because rather than talking to her and thinking about how she feels and she would steal, he jumps into protecting his idealised image of Grace, and as we see with Grace’s mum scolding her for dressing up these parents really projected their ideals onto their daughter and traumatised her.

So for him it would be about letting go of controlling others and realising why he had to make Grace into someone else and mould her into what he wanted. I think after a few years her parents hire therapists for themselves and he does a lot of digging into his past to become a better person.

So when Grace comes back she goes home to a household that’s not perfect, but it’s trying to heal.

- Grace and her parents have a kind of rocky relationship for the first few months that she’s back. Grace has a hard time opening up about everything that happened on the train for obvious reasons, I mean... a magical train is hard enough, but corunning a cult on a magical train and almost getting killed by your best friend and a bunch of indoctrinated children? the Hazel thing? hard to get all that out, especially to parents who haven’t exactly been sympathetic towards her.

Also Grace’s dad kinda took a few steps back in his growth and tried to get Grace to start dancing again and just pushed for things to return to normal and for Grace to fit back into the plan he had for her life, partly because of not worked through stuff and partly because of guilt that she’d missed out on so much of her life (her entire teen years were spent on the train) and he did ultimately want her to be happy but went about it in the wrong way, so for these months Grace’s mum was like a mediator trying to figure out what Grace actually wanted and needed and protect her from being pushed back into the limelight when she wasn’t ready.

- Grace’s parents got Grace a therapist and together they started figuring out what Grace actually wanted. I think Grace tried to get back into dancing professionally and while she was incredibly good because all those years she never stopped practicing, not having a professional teacher for 10 years meant she’d have to train again for a long time before she could catch up with her peers and the competition.

Also the experience of competing against other people and winning stuff and being put on a pedestal for it is part of what made her act in the harmful ways she did during Book 3. So I personally am opposed to Grace returning to the life style that hurt her. This is something Grace realises through her therapy and she deals with a lot of feelings around being unable to dance professionally when that’s what her life was leading to, but she decides to explore other options like going to school and working and goes on a self discovery journey for a few years.

- She co stars with her mum in some shows and movies after she got her an acting gig, or she sings with her, and she tries out other stuff too like working in a book shop ( 😏😏😏😏) and like idk... being the person who wears the chuck ee cheese fursuit at a chuck ee cheese restaurant just to see what it’s like and has a lot of fun. Eventually she decides that working with kids is what she wants to do, partly because she was really good at helping her kid friends get their numbers down and found it rewarding to help them, and she feels guilt that she couldn’t help Hazel in the same way, so if she can she wants to stop any other kids from feeling the same way and make a difference in people’s lives. Also as someone with a note great childhood she empathises a lot with kids that are suffering, so she applies for a course and starts doing placements.

I imagine her dad was a bit disappointed in this decision but did his best to hide it for Grace’s sake.

Other stuff that makes me :] :

- When Grace tried dancing out again after years she met Shayna again and was nervous about it because they didn’t exactly get on well as kids but Shayna apologised to her for being mean n they become friends...

Shayna also ended up on the train because I said so, she was on there because she had insecurities that made her lash out at other people to feel better and she got train snatched after facing consequences for this from people she was mean to. She was on there for a few months - around the same time period Jesse was on the train for. And she got on just as the Apex was being formed, so she and her denizen companion would come across cars that had been raided by the Apex every now and then and wonder what was going on. They also ran into Amelia once or twice and were like ????? but thought nothing serious of it.

So Shayna becomes the main person Grace confides in about her train experience and they end up becoming really good friends. Like... Grace missed huge amounts of music and films and other stuff while she was gone and is really alienated from pop culture and general conversation because she has no idea what people are talking about most of the time so Shayna and her have sleepovers and marathon all the important movies Grace missed and like... listen to music Shayna thinks she might like together.

Sometimes Shayna pranks her by making her think that something no one cares about is a really big deal like... she tells her sausage party is considered a cult classic or something. Or she lies to her about memes so Grace embarrasses herself. But it’s not malicious or like, stuff that would really embarrass her or seriously hurt her feelings. they just mess around together is what I’m getting at.

- Also Grace figures out her triggers with her therapist so stuff like the name simon and the word apex need to be avoided, and Shayna respects that and keeps it in mind when she finds stuff for them to watch together. Like they avoid the reptile section when they go to zoos and stuff too.

- Grace keeps in touch with most of the kids that used to be in the apex, and they meet up every now and again and have a big get together barbecue on the anniversary of Grace getting off the train. And if any of them came from families with financial troubles Grace and her family try to support them. Basically the kids stay a part of Grace’s life and her support circle even after the train.

- I do like to think that Grace and Lake would meet again and that Grace would have a chance to make amends. I don’t think Lake or Jesse would want Grace in their lives bc of what she did to them, but they accept her apology and wish her the best of luck in rebuilding her life.

#infinity train #infinity train book 3 #infinity train grace #grace monroe #grace infinity train #grace theory #fan theory #grace monroe headcannon #in my heart all of this and more is cannon #very invested in grace and shayna being friends #I think it's a neat inversion of grace and simon #like one is childhood enemies to friends the other is childhood friends to... not exactly enemies but nothing good #like they weren't enemies bc simon was the one attacking her while she tried to help him at the cost of her own safety and potentially life

51 notes · View notes

audiovisualrecall · 3 years

Text

Reasons against applying for the supervisor position:

• I dont have a car/license (yet), so I might not be able to be *as* available as they might need, like staying late or coming in if another sup calls out, etc. but I'd be the perfect closing sup by default until I do, and we could futz with the schedule to make it work

• I dont know if im entirely ready for the position - the responsibilities/duties, it's a little intimidating...but this is a little weak excuse, I cant just wait until I feel ready bc I'll be waiting forever then?

• I'm awkward with people and not confident enough with talking to people or sounding authoritative. But I could learn on the go?

• I'm terrified of the interview. Im not sure I can articulate why I want the position, why I'd be good at it, what id bring to the table, etc, and it's a panel and im an anxious bean. I can just barely talk to my team leader and I'm supposed to like, propose why I'd make a good supervisor in front of him and probably the store leadership (5 people, steph said, if I'm lucky itll be my tl, an atl, a current supervisor, and then two ppl from store leadership, idefk tho) and not have palpitations/an anxiety attack/ mess up and look like an idiot. Im extremely anxious about it. Why cant it be a normal interview with just my team leadership??? So much anxiety about this. And yet it's a silly reason not to go for it, really, because I've done lots of things that terrified me, and I can prepare for it, and even if i apply i dont have to go thru with the interview necessarily if I chicken out. But I shouldnt let anxiety prevent me from applying?

• I said before I dont feel ready, this is my second real job, my first full time job, i only just got the team trainer position and i only have my first shift in said position on Tuesday and idek how I'll do at that, I wish there was more time for me to see how I do with training ppl before the sup job is available but the listing was posted. I may be 27 but most of the time I feel younger, I look younger, I dont have that much experience at all, and again im really not confident in myself and I cant be authoritative mostly because anxiety. I don't want to step on toes and I'd rather do this as a team with my coworker because I think we make a good co-supervisor team?? But could I do that on my own? Idk. I'm afraid to step on coworkers' toes by correcting them if I notice they're not doing something right. I'm afraid to confront visitors who dont wear their masks in the store. But would I gain confidence and ability in these areas if I got the job?

Is any/all of this a reason to not apply? Or should I take the chance, give it a shot, prepare and do the interview and let leadership make that decision instead of chickening out and denying myself the chance? Or am I really not ready and would I be happier staying where I am, as team trainer?

But I think I could be good at it, I think I could do it, I think I have it in me to be a supervisor, and I have a commitment to doing things the right way. Idk.

0 notes

the-mf-bread-babies · 4 years

Text

loneliness </\///\|/3

a fic by rocco wulfram north, m.d.

(found that name on hardcore baby names)

–chmapter jop–

before the tríp

It was a normal day for the Skullsmashers: go to somewhere, kill people, be gay, sleep, get brunch. Right now was the first part of their daily routine, and they were getting ready for it.

“holy fuck nova could you hurry the shit up i have to brush my fucking teeth you bitch” Ace hissed, knocking repeatedly on the bathroom door. “Fuck You. I'm Going To Go To Hell Itself” Nova gargled back, mouth full of mouthwash. More banging was heard; the door had seen better days.

Several feet away was Jake, all dressed up and ready to go, waiting for the others to get ready. He sat on the couch gayly in the living room down the hall, scrolling through Apocalypse Twitter. ‘every day i throw down an unpeeled boiled egg from the rooftop to simulate fear and unreadiness’ he read, a tweet from Orc's account. What the fuck. Classic Orc.

“ah fuck !! am i late !!” Jake turned around to see Damon panicking and counting the daggers in his pockets. “no no not at all. i just get ready really quickly to throw everyone into a state of disarray” Jake replied in an honest, monotone voice. “come sit down”

Damon sat down nervously next to his captain, knowing he'll ask him for Bambi on the PS2 now. “look. look at them those dumbshits” Jake uttered, pointing to Ace and Nova arguing. “those little bastards are completely unaware that ive put a fake cockroach puppet in the mirror. watch now” he added, pulling out a cheap remote control and pressing a button.

*sound of glass breaking* Jake sighed. “okay maybe that wasn't really the best idea” Nova screamed, running out of the bathroom and confusing Ace. “Fucking Roach!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she yelled, already too far away from them to be heard clearly. “huh. well okay then!” Ace grinned, going into the bathroom.

“i'll guard. you do your thing okay? :-)” Damon said to Jake, smiling mischievously. Jake's heart skipped a beat as he was suddenly flustered by the killer's action. «oh god, shit's just gonna get more complicated from here» he thought, staring into nothingness.

Damon braced himself against the bathroom door, eager to hear Ace's chaotic screaming. “ready ??” Damon asked, sending Jake back to the real world. “hhuh??????? oh yea right” he mumbled before beginning to control the cockroach with the remote. “this shit cost me like 200 bucks so it better be worth it”

HOLY MOTHER OF

F U C K

JAKE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

WHAT THE S H IT DUDE

ace will remember this.

Jake cackled loudly, rolling on the floor and hitting the table with his fist. “LMAOOOOK FUCK YOUUU” he yelled, angering Ace even more. “I WILL GODDAMN SKIN UOUR FUCKIGN ISTINEDSTINES OLD MAN I SWEAR TKC FUCKF” they yelled back, pushing the door repeatedly. “IM GOIND TO FUCKIGN DIR HERE YOU BITCH”

“ah . ace ? could you move a little please ? i'm trying to get in ?” Damon said annoyingly kindly, making Ace jab a fake knife through the space between the door and the doorway. “THIS IS THE BEST FUCKIGN KNIFE I HAVE ON ME RIGT NOW BUT PLEADR JSUT FUCK O F F”

“hm ... i'll have to check in with the blacksmith today to know what this one's worth... possibly rusted here, though.... could also just be dirt tho.....” Damon mumbled, examining the knife. “FUCKING HEL P” Ace yelled in distress, his breath seeping through the door. “ace. brush your fucking teeth that's disgusting.”

“IM FUCKIF D TRYINF THERES JUST A FUCKGIFN ROSCH HEREERF” Ace explained fearfully, trying their best to get some pity from the other. “a what ?? don't think we have those here” “A FUCKIFN COKROSKC” “corrosion ???? how bad” “FUCK YOU A GODDMAND COKCROACH” “girls?? what?? are they milfs??” “HOW THEE DFUCKDB DID YEOU HEAR FTHAY WHATS DUCUNESKRHI”

Jake's hand slapped against Damon's shoulder as a way of saying thanks. “good work out there soldier. us skullsmashers really need someone like you damon” He said confidently, disguising his flirting as a compliment. “cool !! you too man !!” The shorter man replied, completely unaware of the flirting and continuing to yearn for the mutual love between him and Jake. fuckin idiots lmao

“alrighty fuckers, let's move!”

Rachel's voice sent Ace and Nova into a panic, making them scram to look for their weapons and equipment. “Got everything ya need? W'ain't makin' any stops; tryin'a save fuel.” Shaw asked, leaning against the wall at the entrance menacingly. “When the fuck did you even come here.” Dennis asked in surprise, carrying suitcases. “Hmph. Man never tells his secrets, young man.” She replied, tilting her cowboy hat. “What…”

Aaron was sitting peacefully in the trunk of a pickup truck they had, only to be met by a large backpack to the face. “ah!!!!!!!! very sorry!!!!!!! we'll be going in separate vehicles, and trunk space is very much needed!!!!!!!!” Whitney said, apologizing. “Ah. Well. O-okay then.” Aaron stuttered out, holding back tears from the painful impact the backpack had. Pretty sure he'll get a bruise from that.

Henderson and Rachel were waiting in the front seats of yet another pickup truck. To pass the time, they took very cringey pictures of each other pretending to be on Cowboy TikTok™. “Do one where you're pregnant with the truck's baby!” Henderson suggested, making Rachel flip the bird at her but begrudgingly agreeing with her stupid idea. “i literally would skin you alive.” She spat out, putting a pumpkin inside her shirt. “That's… literally so sexy, babe.” Henderson replied back, taking more pictures.

Meanwhile, Andre was busy explaining to Cyprus, who was in a small glass jar, that forcibly entering Damon's bloodstream and mutilating his entire body was not very nice, with Orc and Sarah judging. “YES BUT UNLIMITED POWER COULD BE RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ANDRE” “That'd very mean of you to do, and could actually probably kill you too in the process.” he explained to deaf ears. Well, technically no ears. Yet. “CYPRUS I KNOW IT SOUNDS STUPID BUT YOU COULD LITERALLY DO THE SAME BUT LIKE IN AN ELEPHANTS BODY DUDE” Orc suggested, only to be ignored. “cmon cyprus just pleaaaaase dont kill ppl ok”

Jake looked outside, then back at Damon. “well guess its time to move!” “yea ... but at what cost.” Damon replied confusingly, making a sad face. “did you know today is…” he started, then regretted saying anything. “nvm…” He turned away from the punk, sniffling and walking to Dennis and Aaron.

“damon” “??” Jake asked quietly, craning his neck a little before making the decision to leave the new recruit alone. Instead, he joined Henderson and Rachel in their odd activities.

“hey guys. i fucking miss sans.” Damon confessed, taking a seat next to Dennis. “My nose is bleeding.” Aaron pointed out. “ok. today's sunday. and you Know what That Means… Meant,” The boy continued, facing the ground. “Kanye West he…” Dennis began (begun???? idk). “… liked.” Aaron continued, also affected emotionally by the departure of not only Sans, but Komaeda too.

Jake stared longingly at the family, wishing he was a part of it too. He truly felt Ariel Little Mermaid's desire to become human. Seven Vagánias… that was a risk he was willing to take for him. He would shave his eyebrows off for that man, and he just might do it right now.

“Jake? Don't do that. Please don't fucking do that.” Henderson suddenly interrupted, surprising Jake. “do what” Henderson squinted her eyes, giving Jake a suspicious look. “That's the face you make when you want to do silly things…” She pointed out.

“You had that when you almost electrocuted yourself at that stable, you had that when you threw the dart at Scoran, you had that when you glued Marcus and Reese–” “OKAY OKAY I GET IT IM A DUMMY SILLY LITTLE BITCH BOY OK”

Rachel put the pumpkin back on the ground and went to the two friends, curious to know what the quarrel was about. “what's poppin gayboy!” She loudly asked, slapping Jake's forearm strongly. “i am in peril and shaking and crying” “daddy issues” “yget?” He explained, gesturing towards the Russells.

“ah. please clarify what kind.” Rachel said, knowing Jake has a very questionable taste for fictional middle-aged men, such as Sigma Overwatch and the guy from the cowboy game. “the fuckin. family one rachel” “look at em just vibing and simply being gay”

Rachel and Henderson gave eachother a look that questioned whether Damon and Jake were going to be a thing or not, since Jake's technically still with Andre. “Considering the fact that they adopted Damon, they could probably also adopt you if you wanted to.” Henderson suggested, knowing Jake wouldn't like this and would stupidly unknowingly accidentally confess his love for Damon to them both right then and there.

“what?????” “ew no thatd be fuckin incest or some shit what the fuck” Jake said, being grossed out. “what would be the incestuous part, jacon. we did not say or hint at anything related to incest.” Rachel asked, making Jake's hair stand up in panic. “fuCKIN NOTHING DUH” “BUT LIKE YKNOW I GET CRUSHES REALLY EASILY YEA??????” Jake explained weirdly.

“So there's a new one right now, huh…” Henderson asked… feeling like she was in Ace Attorney. “no!!!! no wait” “well yea– no.. but i–” “fuck You but yes” Jake grumbled. “ah no, we won't tell, obviously. it was just getting way too obvious, so we just wanted to hear it from both sides.” “WH” Rachel said mysteriously, getting into the driver's seat of the pickup truck. “okay guys let's go!!” She yelled out, starting the engine. “THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??????” “BOTH SIDES???”

chapter dos

two four trucks

The journey to god knows fuckin where idk didn't plan i guess a fuckin cabin or smth idk was long and torturous, especially when Rachel said that cryptic-ass thing before going. What the fuck was that supposed to mean, bro.

sudden interlude for seating arrangements !!

truck 1: Henderson, rachel, whitney, CYPRUS

truck 2: jake, damon, marge, Andre, Aaron

truck 3: ace, Nova, Dennis

truck 4: sarah, ORC, Shaw, viper

truck two.

Jake awkwardly patted Marge's head in the backseat of the truck, avoiding eye contact with Damon and Andre. Of course he had to go on a three-day trip in the same car with his ex, his crush, AND his crush's father. God, he was pretty sure this was the lab rats' doing.

“cows.” Damon pointed outside, earning Andre's attention. “Holy– what are those?” He asked, taking his sunglasses off to admire the beautiful little cows. “Cows… we drink their milk and wear their skin as jackets…” Aaron explained, his eyes drifting from the road momentarily. “They can have best friends and stuff. Really nice guys. Also, they're expensive as hell.”

“Y–You do what. Their skin??” Andre asked, his voice a pitch higher than usual. “yeah and we rate them based on which layer it is. also, like their meat, expensive as hell. but still very cool.” Damon said, confusing Andre even more. “they also give us cheese and ice cream and whipped cream and stuff. underrated little babies. they deserve better.” “they also have nose rings which are punk as hell–”

“Wait, why the nose– cheese?! Cheese?! AND ice cream??!” Andre asked again, his mind attempting to comprehend the greatness that cows are. “Oh man, you are not ready to hear about pigs.” Aaron said jokingly. “What the fuck are pigs???” “Sausages, ham slices, bacon, lard, leather too, rotisserie–” “aaron please i'm gonna throw up.” “Oh, right. Sorry,”

Jake sat quietly in his seat, just now realising how much of his world Andre's missing. Sure, his world was much cooler, but do they have sheep? Palm trees? Penguins? Thought not, bitch. “andre do you know what a kangaroo is” He asked, breaking his silence like that one YouTuber.

“A what?” “kangaroo. some of them are buff as shit and they move by hopping. they cant hop backwards and they also keep their babies in little pouches attached to them and their bones and guts are exposed on the inside of said pouch. baby kangaroos are about the size of a jellybean, and the adults can box you”

“They what” “yea they're weird as fuck.” “its from australia so” “That sounds fake.” “oh man. wombats bro. quokkas. fuckin drop bears and flying foxes. PLATYPUSES!!!” “wombats poop in cubes and quokkas are always smiling” “Koala bears hold onto tree branches and eat their mom's shit, which is the leaves of said tree branches.” “Please stop what the fuck” “ohoho fucking GEESE” “GET IM JAKE MY NEIGHBOR HAD FUCKIN THREE OF THOSE BITCHES”

truck three.

The three sat silently, with the exception of Dennis, who was swearing at random times. “You call that a fuckin’ turn, old man?! HUH?!!” Ace's shoulders jumped, the sudden exclamations preventing them from sleeping through the trip. “This Is Probably The Last Time We'll See Each Other Alive.” Nova stated calmly. “i slept for like two minutes last night… didn't even get to wear conditioner today. unrelated but just sharing my struggles with you.” Ace said, shifting into a more comfortable sleeping position.

Dennis overheard the two talking, and opted to stay quiet for the rest of the trip, before stumbling across a strange sight. “FROG!!!” he yelled, waking up the duo. “he said fuck! he said the f” Ace yelled out while rubbing their eyes. “Are We Aliven't” Nova asked, stretching. “Sadly, no, but the good news is, I found a frog!” Dennis excitedly said, opening the car door.

“WHAT” “THAT SHITS GONNA POISON US WHAT THE FUCK” Nova yelled out, unfortunately not loud enough for Dennis to hear it. The man kept walking towards the creature that was technically an alien to them, and picked it up with watery hands. “DENNIS YOU'RE GONNA FUCKING KILL US ALL!!!!!!! DENNIS!!!!!!”

“So, you kids know how to handle a frog?” Dennis asked in a wholesome tone, alerting the two even more. “KILL IT KILL IT FUCKING KILL IT” “Oh, are you guys allergic to this little guy? Sorry, I'll put it in the dashboard instead.” “GET ITBOUT WHAT THE FUCK DENNID JESUS” “… Huh?” “POSIOJ DART FOGR” Nova shouted, hiding behind the passenger seat and being pushed by Ace, who was also going to hide there. “BITCH”

Dennis and the frog stared at them in confusion, hearing their horrified screams. “This is… a wood frog… not a poison dart… that one would probably die in this climate…” he explained plainly, his hands gently cupping the newfound friend. “oh. ok” Ace muttered quietly, while Nova maintained an awkward silence. “You can… pat them very softly if you want.” Dennis suggested. “Or spray the shit outta them. That could work too.”

Nova nervously held out her hand to pat the frog, then smiled in succeeding to do so. “Death Quivers Before Me” She said, proceeding to pat it even more. “can i do the spray thing.” Ace asked, their voice quiet as a whisper. “Yeah, sure. Go right ahead.”

*the frog was going to die so technically they didnt like fuck up the ecosystem or smth. do not attempt this irl.

truck four.

“What jolly tunes d'ya have on this here truck. Fellas.” Shaw asked, observing the radio. “uh, really, i don't think it'll be necessary!!!!!” Viper nervously said, only to be ignored. “NONSENSE! ONE'S TASTE IN SHANTIES PROVES TO BE A WINDOW INTO THEIR LIVES.” Orc said wisely, patting them on the shoulder. “i guess that's good advice, but really–”

TWO TRUCKS HAVING SEX. TWO TRUCKS HAVING SEX. MY MUSCLES. MY MUSCLES. INVOLUNTARILY FLEX.

“I SEE. A MATING SONG FOR YOUR SPECIES?” “my truck f### playlist,.,.,.” Viper tried to mute the speaker to no avail as most of the buttons on the control panel were very much broken. “I'm. Very sorry for this, pardner. But this doesn't sound so bad. I could put this in a jukebox…” Shaw consoled, only making them panic more. “im so f#ckig sorry” They said, before smashing the radio with a briefcase.

They all paused for a moment, unsure of what to do. “i have spotify…” Sarah croaked, holding up her phone. “they have lemon demon too, if you want…” She muttered, scrolling through the song choices. “does anyone want to listen to wet a–” “no.” “okay.”

The truck grew even quieter for a while, until Shaw gave a suggestion to pass the time. “Wanna play 20 questions?” “I'll start: how many folks have y'all killed?” Viper gave the assassin a horrified look, confusing her. “I think mine's around 150. No… 145…” She confessed, rubbing her chin. “Wait, or was it 160?”

“like six. do you like girls, and, follow up question, do you also coincidentally like short girls with long hair.” Sarah said without hesitation, stopping Orc from answering the first question. “Yes! I literally have a wife!” Shaw shouted happily, rolling up her sleeves to show Sarah her tattoos. “This one is her setting herself on fire and me getting inspired–” “ah, yes–” “That one was a total cover-up! Previously, it was the names of my exes, all thirteen of them, but now, it's my cat!”

After some time of receiving a bit too much RexShaw lore, Sarah finally got the answer she so desperately needed from Viper. This was the verdict that determines whether she could make a move or not. This answer could change– “i am gay and do not get attracted to women. thank you.” Ah. Back to more hunting. “I am a lesbian! High-five!” Shaw exclaimed.

And finally, the first truck.

truck one.

Loud country music blared in the truck as they drove by the snowy mountains of uhh. Winsnow. Like winter and snow. They had all chosen separate routes in order to cover more land and see if there were any new developments in the area.

“BRANDY!!! FETCH ANOTHER ROUNF!!!!!!” Rachel screeched as she drummed on the dashboard. “AND SHE FJSJS” Henderson kept driving, searching every inch of land for a rest stop to stretch her legs and also listen to something else.

“hendy.” Rachel said, getting her girlfriend's attention. “do you wanna buy that slime that cleans cars and stuff?” Henderson stared into the distance, pondering. “Hm. There's always the possibility of the slime disappearing under mysterious circumstances and turning up in the trash can the next day covered in saliva, so.” Whitney looked away, feeling attacked.

“yeah, that's a problem.” Rachel muttered, her hand instinctually moving to Henderson's. “Please don't crash the car.” She begged, looking sadly at her. “is there a domino's nearby. i heard they have that new peanut butter chocolate lava cake.” Rachel asked, cupping Henderson's face gently.

“Rachel. There's fucking mountains.” Henderson pointed out, gesturing towards their surroundings. “That shit will freeze.” Rachel put her head down in disappointment. “yeah. damn.” “MORE FLESH!!! MORE FLESH!!! MORE FUCKING FLESH!!!”

Oh yeah, Cyprus was here the whole time. “why does the metal say fuck?????” And Whitney too! “MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS. FLESH NEEDED!” Cyprus yelled out, resembling a hungry toddler on a road trip.

“do you want like a burger or something......” Whitney asked, judging the spirit. “FLESH” “like are you more of a kfc or a mcdonalds guy” “NEED FLESH” She gave the couple a look, one that was kind of undecipherable due to her lack of normal face details like eyebrows, visible pupils, etc.

“So, three peanut butter lava cakes and one meat lover's… what else?” “ah!!!!!! no lava cake for me, i'm on a diet!!!!!! dirt and dirt only!!!!!!!!!!! also fish bones as a treat” Whitney corrected, her eyes searching for a nearby body of water. “Or, we could get Cyprus the fish meat, and Whitney the bones.” “sounds good to me!!!!!!!!” “FLESH”

…

“welcome to domino's! can i get your order?”

“three peanut butter lava cakes, please. that's all. thank you.” Rachel said, her seat switched with Henderson's, who was too nervous to order. “okay but they each take like three hours to make” “what.” “yea you can stop by like the grocery store up ahead” “fuck you for ordering this” “i–” “fuck off”

the grocewy stowe

The truck stopped by the front of the building, Rachel telling them to go in first while she searches for a good parking spot. Much to Henderson's disappointment.

“My lover…” Henderson said with fear in her voice. “it's okay… go along… i… i have to do this for you…” “for you all… i won't forget the good that you've done to me and everyone i've ever known…” “Rach, please don't go, I lo–” “you all are the kindest people… heaven may wait eagerly for you, but as for me, the ground trembles for its latest meal. fresh from the oven, i will enter the furnace…” “why the fuck would they cook you again” “because i'm TOAST!!” “haha”

“Kill Ronald Reagan while you're at it… I forgot which one he is but I'm pretty sure he's a total bitch…” “i will meet you doomguy” “heeeeeeeh” Rachel whined weakly as she slowly drove over to the spot she wanted.

MOTHERFUCKER.

A silver Honda Civic quickly made its way into there, angering the scientist. “not on my watch, fucker.” Rachel muttered, sliding the pickup truck across the road. She slammed her palm onto the car horn, which terrified even a murder of crows.

“huh wonder who that is” “hm anyway which fish do u like ???? :-)”

A woman who seemed to be in her late 40s exited the Honda Civic, throwing a rather large and flashy boa around her neck. “Jesús, ít's cold in hère,” The lady commented, putting on a pair of expensive-looking sunglasses. “Márie, come along, ma cheghhy!” (i forgot how to spell it)

oh, son of a B I T C H .

it's the french lady who smells weird.

Of course, seeing your enemy in any circumstance that wasn't planned was clearly a little scary and will probably be your last day alive, but bumping into them at a Target was kinda… awkward.

Both the hazelnut and the dolphin were less armed and armoured than usual, and there weren't any bodyguards or security. Usually, if a top leader goes anywhere, the standard protocol was to do thirty separate background checks on the location and have it guarded up somewhere in the three months before their arrival.

So, obviously, someone in Top 50 driving around town in a decades-old car buying groceries isn't very safe, or probably even legal. Hell, she hasn't even seen them wear anything this ridiculous ever. Could this be a distraction? Or is it an opportunity?

Ah, wait, they're both wearing their stupid little marriage bracelets.

It's the middle of October.

This is their anniversary vacation.

Shit.

in the store

Henderson strolled through the aisles with Whitney at her side, hugging Cyprus's jar. She examined the cereal boxes to make sure they didn't contain any food colouring that could potentially kill her.

Whitney, on the other hand, zoomed over to the meat section, licking her lips at the sight of a raw cod. “cyprus…… do you feel that? the need to devour a being???? the uncontrollable desire for energy that it transcends all laws and regulations placed on mankind?????? the growing hunger for power, one that's so strong it controls your every need????

a natural, primal instinct to become such a brutal being that no one, not even you, recognise yourself anymore. you look at yourself in the mirror and you feel like you want to destroy that, to put yourself onto the pedestal you belong on, to wreak havoc on the cosmos of all beings, living and dead, real and mythical, walking and extinct.

you know that you're the only who understands this instinct, the only one who follows it to this distance. everyone else may underestimate you, but in the end, you'll rise above them all. man's natural instinct is to become the ruler of all.”

“What the fuck, Whitney. Anyway, I talked to the deli guy and he said he could pay you to eat up some scraps if you want. You down?” Henderson asked, her trolley already full of snacks. “yea fuck it man” Whitney replied, walking over to the ‘staff only’ door. “im hungy as fuck”

parking lot.

Despite the growing need to kill the woman, Rachel was managing to control herself. Even though this was the perfect opportunity to eliminate one of them, she knows she'll be replaced by someone much crueler. So for now, she'll just stick to watching this lady consider which can of tomato sauce is better than the other.

Rachel parked the truck near the entrance and the Honda Civic. She kept an eye on the couple as she quietly made her way inside through the back door.

“So thàt's when Í saìd, ‘that's not a cactùs, that's a lámp!” Karén playfully said, her hand entwined with her wife's. Rachel was unsure whether to stalk the two or join her friends in shopping.

WELL, FIND THAT OUT IN THE NEXT PART,

B I T C H !! !! !!

0 notes

survivorelara · 6 years

Text

Episode #15: “what fucking blog?” - Sam

a close second is another Sam quote, “is he not from london”

oh kori…. you fell right into the trap my guy. you better win that fic....

Final 4, wow, who'da thunk I'd find myself here? I've never been this far before in any ORG, so doing the Rites of Passage is a bit surreal for me. I probably flopped at it, but maybe I didn't... I don't know. XD

I'm just so happy to have come this far, Loris claimed in his exit words that I'm winning, not sure if that's true or not, but I'm certainly hopeful that's for sure. I've put in a lot of work, so I hope to see some results though even getting this far is huge for me.

I'm still not sure what F3 configuration would be the best for me. I've been considering Me Roxy and Sam just because it might be more fun, they are the two people I worked with the most in this game, though I'm unsure because it's honestly a tad difficult to gauge how this Jury feels. They could be bitter against Roxy or it could have mellowed into admiration or at the very least respect. Ci'ere is also hard to place because of his relationships, and I question if he'd be bitter, or not if I voted him out, and if he isn't who he'd vote for. Alternatively if I take him to the end who does he have on the jury and who does he not have, difficult for sure.

Well, I'm totally flopping the challenges so far, I ruined Endurance because I didn't read it wasn't due til 8PM Saturday. (I could have started on Friday and gotten a crazy high time, but I fucked it up thinking this was all due within 24 hours like normal... I might have thought twice if I had ever been to F4 which I should've remembered is a multi-day affair.)

And the Maze, I mean anyone could do as badly as I did, but I doubt they will, it'd be tough to not beat my score.

I'm not confident in my knowledge of the players given I didn't know half of them, and the mystery challenge is well... a mystery.

The only one I feel like I could be good at is the Flash game... BUT IT WON'T LOAD.

Needless to say this is likely to be my worst F4 challenge performance. So I'm gonna have to up the charm, and hope Ci'ere doesn't win since I think they are the best person for me to pitch going instead of myself. (Also because I think their odds of winning is the highest between the other 3.)

Well I finally finished all the challenges, and I was a total flop for the most part, but everyone keeps saying they're flopping too, so who knows. I'm hopeful Sam got first in the Maze and Roxy got first in Endurance, since those were my weak areas, and I want to vote Ci'ere out.

Also with an even spread like that it raises my odds of winning this challenge. Though if Ci'ere totally killed all these challenges I'm probably dead AF.

Since I have no doubt if Ci'ere is safe Roxy is voting me, and Sam might even consider it too though I'd be willing to tie it for him in a similar scenario.

I just can't believe I've come so far, and I don't know if I'm gonna make it all the way despite all my effort, and it kills me to think that. I just hope I get a chance to plead my case to the jury, even if I lose I just want to actually make a FTC.

And gg y'all kori probs just won the season. That's literally the one thing that couldn't have happened

hi so uh I could die here, but im trying my fucking hardest to make it to ftc. I was just really busy these last few days and couldn't put in full effort on the fic which caused kori to win. and now it seems like the vote is between me and ci'ere. the vote originally was gonna be kori but ofc he won fic so here we are... on the edge of my seat trying my best to not get final juror again. I s2g if I get final juror in back to back orgs im actually gonna just get drunk and fuck a dude

so ive got kori on my side who's gonna vote ci'ere with me, which is good because that at least guarantees me a tiebreaker chance. Right now though im tryna convince roxy to vote him as well instead of me because I could easily lose the tiebreaker challenge and not make ftc which would be devastating. Because the thing is, as much as I feel kori has a strong shot at winning this game, I feel I can work some magic and maybe turn this thing around to get me the win, but I gotta get to ftc first

Everyone knows they can beat roxy so shes the deciding vote on if ciere goes or if we are going to a tiebreaker. Ive been talking to her all day now tryna spit facts and lies into her head to get her to change her mind. she fears that if she votes ciere out that she wont get his vote, but I told her straight up if that's what shes worried about and I go on the jury then I wont vote for her either, so now she has no incentive to put me on the jury except if im a bigger threat for her or whatever. I mean lets be real, this is gonna be a very bitter jury. and most of that hate will be directed at me. roxy fears we played similar games but I told her straight up if im there with her, ill receive most of the jury's hate which could be a shield for her and maybe have the jury see her game more since people will probably only vote kori because he isn't as hated. he hasn't played a bad game but he's been a gamebot all game and only played alright, I feel I played great but have to own up to everything and swallow my ego and let the jury know how bad I feel or whatever and let them yell at me. roxy isn't winning, those are the facts. but I need her to vote ciere so I can get to ftc and try and beat kori.

so im just gonna keep bullshitting and say I can be her meatshield in terms of hatred being thrown at us and hope ciere gets final juror instead over me. but one way or another, roxy aint winning lol

jesus Christ roxy just needs to understand she isn't fucking winning this game and should just give me a shot lmao. like some votes she MIGHT have over me can easily be taken away by ciere being there, and I told her that. im really fighting for this like fuck man I want to get to ftc again

HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP!

I WON THE FINAL CHALLENGE! I'm so fucking ecstatic I'm gonna be in the freaking finale. This is the hardest part though trying to know who to vote.

I'm leaning heavily voting out Ci'ere due to what I believe his jury connections are, but also because I think my game stands out more when I'm with Roxy and Sam due to their games being... well basically the same.

They both, ultimately voted out the person who idoled them, they both tended to lie excessively, they both never won a challenge, and there are more similarities as I go on.

I love everyone in this final 4 though, and it's been so amazing playing with all of them. I just hope I can pull out a win, taking Roxy and Sam could be a mistake as their games were ballsy and if the jury buries any ill will they could decide to award one of them the win and view me as a goat.

So far me and Sam are both voting Ci'ere, but Roxy has been a bit dodgy, so it might go to a tie, which while I'm not a fan of Ci'ere proceeding since I think he'll give me a run for my money, I think Sam would be a lock vote for me so that's a benefit there.

I'm still thinking about the trial ahead because I know this game isn't over, it's the final stretch and I've begun a strong finish, and I need to make sure I deliver at FTC. It's my first one, and I would hate to blow it.

Dani: everyone more or less voted dani. Ciere caused chaos and had his name thrown about . One of drew h or t leaked to him. Probs drew h. Who led on dani? It started with john? He wanted ciere out I think. Dylan: this was kori's move but only on the surfave. I told kori to get drew t into the plan cause he originally complained about dyl been not rlly there but it sort of ended up with him wanting to protect dyl as a free agent. Me and Dylan were close but I still let myself cut him because I formed an alliance with emma and andrea and promised her id never betray her this game and I sorta wanted to take emma to the end but who didnt. Me and sam were contemplating things but he didnt make us flip or vote the way we did. Sam I think was already on that side tho so not rlly middle. Ciere voted emma?? Minority tryna get a revati out. John: apparently kori came up with john first but I wanted him out the previous vite to weaken the drews so theyd depend on me nn emma and andrea brought him up. There was a plan to couter it by going after andrea I think or mv it was emma but again I was with andrea and emma so I told rm I already voted john when I didnt to make a dumb excuse why I couldn't vote with em nn. Sam voted john along with the revatis ciere tagged along I recon still wanted a revsti out. Drew t. Apparently kori pushed for him and loris and andrea sorta messy if u ask me. This vote was me and ciere I recon. Although it was andrea vrs drew so I wanted to protect andrea again sigh but also we wanted to seperate sam and drew t. Kori voted andrea or drew t mb drew t. Andrea and sam did ciere. Sam got outplayed here I recon. Ciere voted drew t too but left the decision to me so? Emma. She played her idol on me. My one regret was not getting her to idol herself but I doubted ciere a bit too much and was too stressed from the final count down to think it over. We also didnt eexpect everyone to flip on emma on the revote. Same just tagged along and ciere's plans failed but ultimately they got emma out. Drew h: I wish here I told andrea of the probability of them voting her out so we coudve voted loris out then and there like a blindside. Sam just went along and ciere voted with his probable f2. Andrea. Loris and kori betrayed her here. Ciere and sam also. Loris: sam betrayed him badly to save me and ciere msnaged to lie his ass iff to get that idol played on sam. I had two ppl risk themselves to keep me. Probs cause theyI look down on my game and think they can beat me.

it is now an hour before we have to vote and i still have no clue who to vote.

but i think im leaning towards voting ciere at this point?

Sam loses the tiebreaker after a 2-2 vote and is the final member of our jury.

Jesus Day 39. Never thought I'd actually be sitting here.

There's so much buzzing around in my mind. But at this point there isn't any strategic words I can really say, the F3 is officially set, all GAMING per say is over. Now all there is left to do is rock out a fantastic speech for why I should win. (I hope I'm capable of that.)

This game has been such a mental and emotional roller-coaster and I'm just so happy to have been a part of it and to now be experiencing something so new.

Regardless of how this ends, I know that I'm happy with how this turns out, and I definitely learned a lot in this game that I'll carry into future ORGs that I play. I hope I surprised some people, I'm proud of how I played since it carried me here.

Gonna turn in for the night, probably confess for the last time in the morning. <3

Moments before FTC.

I've got my speech ready I think. I'm hopeful anyway. Crazy to think this will be my last confessional of the season.

I wanna thank the hosts for giving me such a great experience, I'm so happy this game happened to me the way that it did. I hope I win but even if I dont I still think I accomplished much, and I'm proud of how I did.

Day 39, this is Kori, signing off.

youtube

Last minute confessional because I haven't made one yet: I can't believe I made it to the end & I'm just glad I got to share my game at final tribal council. Do I think I played the best? No. I did what I could with what I was given & I did the mf'ing shiz. I fought for my Survivor life & made fire which I think is a pretty rad way to get here. I took out the wild straight white male who I think played a smashing game. I played how I wanted to & I had so much fun while doing so. Whether I win or lose, I'm proud of what I accomplished here & Elara is definitely not gonna be a game I'll forget. Thank you hosts for a bomb experience & for putting together a well run game~ WOOP WOOP

Well, it's the end now, I'll know soon if I won or if I'm runner up or 3rd.

I had an amazing time, and I'm sure reading back is sure to be interesting.

To anyone who's read my stuff, it may seem a little inconsistent or contradictory at times, it's usually due to a changed mindset or decision I make and forget to confess about, and for that I apologize to the viewers.

This has been an incredible experience I'm not gonna forget, and I'm glad to have gone through it with so many.

I just hope I get a single vote. xD

Kori wins Celestial: Elara in a 4-3-2 vote! Ci’ere came in 2nd and Roxy finished in 3rd.

#episode #flyinghigh

0 notes

somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

Text

I feel like I could have practiced more patience today but at the same time I felt triggered. He keeps talking about the idea I came up with and saying its his. He asked what I thought about him possibly buying land like soon and we could put trailers on it in the mean time. He asked me to look up the best trees so he knew what to look for.

But like this is so haphazard poorly planned like 90% of his projects. If youtruly want to develop forested land for hospitality purposes, shit needs to be serious. You don't just throw cash on land and think yep good start. Like its an entire process and I am up for it but he's not because he won't commit. To anything. Even if I believed in this idea and wanted to-do it because I wanted it I couldn't because I'm wrapped up in his nonsense.

Still, I did what he asked to show my support and on going commitment and to give back to his thought of moving forward.

But he mentioned it again that he told yet another person and it's like the more u tell the less it's going to happen. You aren't even committed to the idea and ur telling ppl about it.

I jokingly mentioned finding a new prospective husband and he repeatedthe same ' you'll never find someone like me' and I just told him were here right now because of my love and dedication and hopefully he realizes in time that I make a great wife.

I jokingly called him a fuckboy which triggered his own shit and he said it was essentially my fault the dead girls mom called him a fuck boy.

Which is terrible to say to someone and really tarnished the single time he publically displayed any sort of affection towards me. So I immediately shut it down and I no longer care because I'm at the end of my investment period. I told him that the only fuckboy in the situation was this dead girl and from what I knew her family thought he was the ticket to her not being white trash but she was too trash to stick with him and just used him when she needed something. He has been too stupid to see this forever and there is no way I will entertain the idea that it's remotely anything to do with me when this is an ongoing problem with two sick individuals who would rather ruin each others lives than live happily with each other out of pure selfishness.

To me I've heard nothing but the most disgusting low life stories about her and out of respect I don't talk shit about her. I don't know her. But like its hard not to believe EVERYONE but one person telling u this person was unliked for several reasons. And I absolutely see the story told by a dozen ppl more than I see the story told by him. I believe he is infatuated with the idea of what they had that he created in his brain. What they had was not an open relationship - if I die and this guy doesn't show up may he rot in hell because I talk to him everyday. I supported him. She gave no fucks at all. At all. She continued to live her junkie ass life, angry that he wouldn't for money she owed him because their connection was more important than money but not important enough to visit the guy when he cuts off his finger.

But I'm putting up with this long term because I've had unrequited love I thought was real and defaulted to me. I thought they cared and loved me and would do anything for me and I was apart oftheir lives but instead they stole from me over and over again, they turned people against me and made me out to be someone I was not at all, tried to destroy my relationships, manipulated me into making decisions for the good of them and not myself, actively talked shit about me to other people and I just wanted them to love me. I just wanted a normal life but all I could do was live in this fucked up way for them, because of them.

And then she died. And I still wanted that normal life I never got. I wanted her to apologize and give me what I never got. Maybe I had to be a better person too. And I had to deal withthese little things about this honestly pretty shitty person for months and years later because this person was so toxic to my life. But I still wanted to love them. I couldn't in my soul but I wanted to and I had to come to a point like immediately when she died there was relief even though I was never getting anything I wanted it was like at least there's nothing to fight for. I don't have to keep looking for love here. It's time to put it at rest. And then eventually I forgave her even though I hated her alot. I speak more kindly about her now than 8 years ago because I've learned who she was, why she was and I understand that I wanted to be loved and that I loved a very complicated human being. They maybe weren't capable of loving me. But I forgive them because it wasn't their fault but if they were alive, I wouldn't continue to be around them. I know now that what they did was wrong. I deserved better. But the thing is no one will ever fill their shoes. They will always be that person and no one will ever replace them so no matter how I feel, I still have to know that this is that person to me in my life. And it took awhile to figure out how not to be defined by my mother. It's harder when it's a parent. I didn't want to carry her abuse but I didn't want to forget it either. She severely impacted my life that she built the character I was before being broken by the trauma later on. Not because I wanted to be her but I developed survival and communication skills based on dealing with her. Thanks to her I am mature, level headed, grounded, humble, logical, well tempered and I became stubborn and hard headed from fighting with her all the time. I was a fighter. Without fighting her and enduring the life I had I wouldn't have these qualities. I feel it's the same for him - through positive and negative reinforcement and manipulation, he developed this character and qualities which could be useful and good but in the aftermath of being essentially emotionally abused for many years, they're most defensive and aim to please someone who never even deserved it.

I know that he doesn't actually want an open relationship but he's been conditioned into it. I know this. And it could be 5 years before he knows it and I might not be here but dammit I'll be right where ever I am. He loves being loved and adored and has a sexual fetish for swinging. In no way does he want or live or promote an open relationship by any means and will become insecure and bratty if you make moves towards it. The other day he told me he would get a fleshligt like that's degrading to me when a year ago he was going to fuck all these women. He's making an active attempt to solidify his commitment sexually to me and I'm sure that's just as hard as any other but the easiest route to practice on - he can easily break the vow tomorrow; it's not easy to move out. And I appreciate it and that's why I wrote the letter to him and I wish I was inspired by some deep love to write more right now but I'm not because I'm frustrated and rightly so.

I didn't push the issue further with him because I need him to sit and think on these things and for the past week or so whenever I have stood my ground and expected no reply, I have gotten a moderate change. I want him to begin to think of what his conciously is telling him as real. Like he has no confidence in himself so I don't believe he thinks thatthese lingering thoughtsand feelings about her not actually loving him are like self esteem issues but they are and aren't. It's a reflection on a lack of confidence in believing he deserved better treatment; he doesn't believe he deserved better so he must be at fault and these thoughts are just paranoia.

And I don't need him to believe she didn't love him for my sake. I wish she loved him because not loving him in that scenario is pretty terrible and she really used him and took advantage of him and in no way do I believe she reflected on him with warm thoughts. She could've cared less, honestly. She cared to keep his attention and that's it. She wouldn't sleep with him, she cheated on him all the time, did his drugs, took his money while he wanted a normal life with her.

The proudest thing he has ever done was written in a journal. He described when she offered an open polyamorous relationship andthat he couldn't do it and just let her go. I think he hoped he could come to a place that he could accept it but he never quite did and he kept his distance from her for years. THATS the most commendable thing he's done for himself. That's gotta be super hard. But he did it.

And I am not jealous of a succubus. I am well wanted in my own life. I am called beautiful daily by strangers. I am offered marriage by old men regularly. Men wait for me through other relationships on a chance they can fuck with me. They admire me for months from afar. They will buy me literally anything I ask for. He is included with these men. I have continually pulled him away from her and I may not have completely overtaken but I've taken. And I did not ruin myself with drugs. I did not follow her on social media, she followed me not out of interest of his life but because she knew who her competition was and I had this going for me well into my late 20s while she was slowly falling to bleach blonde bar bimbo. I am a fine wine. So no, I am not jealous nor am I jealous of his love for her because I'd hate him if he did the same to me. I am a stoic and hard person - declarations of love and emotion would turn me off. The lack of it has been more comfortable for me. I don't need him to declare his love for me to know he's wrapped. He's away now to prove to himself that he's not but I keep telling him he's still coming back to me. You didn't leave. You couldn't even stop talking to me.

Tomorrow I'll send pictures and act cute - he can't logically be mad because he was illogical and I stood up for myself and I'm glad he didn't argue it. It wasn't like fuck you you don't know her because he's not mad. He knows I'm right but he can't say I'm right because then he might have to further explore this thing he's not ready to be true. But I have set a precedent that if you do not want to hear my opinion on things, do not bring me into it by blaming things on me or connecting an unrelated event about me to your drama.

I have to remember things don't change overnight. He said he wanted a big monkey boyfriend to get him in line and tell him things he needs to hear. Many of my friends cherish my honesty and character judgements and that I am blunt. I don't do this around him because I continued to build his fantasy version of me but I don't want to be that. I have alot of value in my opinions. I am a really mindful person and I am working on believing in what I know more because I have more often than not been right in what I thought. It is right and true to my character to speak freely on what I can see is wrong, otherwise I choose not to speak on it at allbecause the other person is unwilling to see anything but what is right or possibly not take any personal blame for what they're causing by believing in something so much.

I said nothing wrong. I asserted my opinion as my own opinion and supported the knowledge that he's been hurt and used and despite his lashing out at me about not respecting his sadness I believed this person hurt and used him and that he has to process complicated grief but I won't accept unhealthy behaviors. I would sit and listen to an hour about their time together and say nothing just for him to get it out but I will not be apart of any of it I am completely and utterly separate from this life and always would have been. I will deal with his personal emotions about it, not defend or promote their relationship that I believed to be unhealthy.

I also spent very little money today and decided to make food and did adult things and made future plans with friends. Tomorrow I'm going to the farmers market in the morning, maybe chores or a bike ride in the afternoon and then a movie in the evening. I reached out to 4 ppl I have been okay with who have been decent with me too and they seem like they might actually come so I'm kind of excited for this. I might even be able to video chat with him while we're out in free Wi-Fi. I just have to keep setting a good positive example and not allow him to antagonize me into petty distorted fights. I'm trying my best until he comes back and if nothing has changed I'm done. I'm not mentally ready to tease myself with a life I could have but in the next week I want to promote the idea of commiting to our idea for real. I want to look for properties and learn some information about identifying trees. I think if we can find a suitable property that we can brainstorm the bare bones of what could be done but it sucks investing time into something just thrown away.

My hope for tomorrow is not a focus on the dead girl but as a reminder to move forward and keep swimming to get out of the murky waters. Things can't even be answered anymore so it's best to keep chugging on. I hope he wakes up inspired by unconditional love and not distortions.

0 notes