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jennilah · 28 days

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I think i started to follow you bc of tiny!cas, like eons ago, let me tell you seeing you get into different fandoms over the years has been a delight.

I remember seeing post of you going like 'hey these slasher film kinda go hard' and look at you know.

I mean this in the best way possible, I feel i've been watching a house plant grow, every now and then catching my attention and being amazed by the changes

omg thats such a sweet way of describing my... well happy autism awareness day everyone, its a nice way of describing the way i naturally transition through my Special Interests lmfao

actually, for the holiday, let me infodump about this very aspect of my brain to anyone who isnt aware how this works for me. (also every autistic person is different, so this is just how this symptom manifests in me)

ill say "phases" to simplify, though thats an unfair word because it implies im "over" my past phases. 99% of my past phases are pretty much there for life, but in the back of my mind. (So long as I didnt have a "bad breakup" with it for some reason, which is rare but happens) The ability to become a raving lunatic about it is dormant until someone asks the right question.

There can only be one interest (sometimes 2, with one being the less dominant one) at the forefront of my brain at a time, though. that defines the "phase".

so for example, my recent Halloween phase is "over" and I am 100% fully into Saw now, but I still absolutely love Halloween and Michael and Jason and all those guys. as evident by me still happily sharing gifsets and art and buying merch etc if it tickles my fancy. They're just hanging out in the background of my mental display case.

yea whoever follows my tumblr for a very long time has watched it happen in realtime. the transition between interests. i know for a fact which phase I started this blog on. if you're here from the beginning, youve seen, in order:

-Durarara!! -Deus Ex -Supernatural -Godzilla -Detroit: Become Human -There was like a few weeks where it was HLVRAI -And then it was plants. There was a year-long stretch with no Special Interest and I was latching onto odd things (and I was very inactive here) -Halloween & Friday the 13th -and now, Saw

I have many other things I love, but they don't clamp around my brain in quite the same extreme way.

my phases can last any amount of time, anywhere from a few short intense months to 5+ years, its completely random, completely unpredictable. even the interest itself is impossible to predict. its not something i choose, its something that happens to me.

sometimes i avoid watching things for a long time because im still very emotionally attached to my current phase and im genuinely afraid the shiny new thing will replace it. all art or fic ideas for the previous phase? theyll be abandoned. all I will want to create will be related to the new thing. (though I will sometimes draw it anyway, like digging up old toys to play with once in a while. The likelihood just drops considerably)

which is why right now i pretty much put a pause on the other franchises I plan on watching. I'm genuinely gripping onto Saw like someone is tryin to take it from me.

and then sometimes im like "haha yeah right. ill be fine. ill eat my shoe if my brain latches to this" and then put on the movie and by the credits roll im a new person (yes thats what happened with Saw. I really had no idea.)

this is also why im terrified of even just "checking out" things that have, like, a toxic fanbase or something, because i cant stop a new phase from happening if it does. and its really hard to keep it to myself, fuck

(do u know how mad i was when i realized i was attaching to hoffman the evil dirty cop??? i was so scared of drawing him, dudes. but thankfully everyones been cool abt it and we're all very aware of his awfulness & we have fun w it)

and every time my brain changes and i do get obsessed with some new thing, i get really scared and worried and hope I dont bother everyone who followed me for something else :(((( and yet, every time, im absolutely floored by how many people choose to tolerate my newest nonsense and stick around anyway

anyway ive lost the plot of what point i was making here OH YEAH thank you!

tl;dr: that would be the autism! thank you, it WILL happen again! that is a threat! 🥰

#jennilargh #jenna answers

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sexydreamgirl · 2 years

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hera I'm sorry for trauma dumping but I feel rlly shitty rn and dont have anyone to rant to, u don't have to answer if u don't want. and I also hope u understand what I'm trying to say :).

I have gotten so much more insecure lately and comparing myself to others, like I see the best version in everyone else especially look wise but not myself, and Im even scared ti have a bf bc I think he is going to leave me for my friend etc. ik that I just have to work on my sc but I feel weird abt it, bc I have this very dumb mindset and jealousy issues that others are literally born beautiful with perfect bodies and I have to MANIFEST for me to have it, it just seems unfair yk?

but the thing is growing up I was considered very pretty and that I had a nice body, like even strangers sometimes would compliment me. but rn that doesn't happen anymore like literally it's the opposite no one thinks I'm pretty anymore and no one has any romantically interest in me and it makes me kind of upset. I feel really guilty but I always compare myself and get jealous of a friend of mine bc she seems to be smart and have the body that guys want and in general she always gets things easier while I feel that I have to work for it. so idk why I'm not considered pretty anymore is it like did I rlly had an glow down or did the beauty standards changed? .. anyway ik that I also can just manifest having it back but I feel that me manifesting it back it like cancels it out kind of ? like I would rather not be in a position that I have to manifest beauty yk?and it's not just with the beauty wise like I feel everything I would get complimented on it kind kind disappeared and I got worse. like I was known for having very clear skin and very white pearly teeth but now I don't and can't say that oh yeah I always had clear skin and it kind of annoys me If u understand what i mean? same goes with talents like I used to be a dancer and good one and would be very athletic but now nothing, and I would speak fluently some languages, especially the ones I speak in my house and now I'm not able to.

I rlly don't know what's wrong with me and why i have become like this, its like I have lost all my personality and have gotten depressed and ppl view me much differently that how i rlly am and used to be like an example I used to be athletic but now they think I'm lazy bc I don't participate in gym class but I find it reasonable but it still annoys me. and i would have guys that have crush on me and now nothing, and I have lost all of my friends and no one likes me and they treat me like shit and i always feel that I'm responsible for it and in just so lost and ikd what to do with my life .

so my question is, except that I would like some advice or anything would be nice , is there a chance that I have accidently manifested all this or did that happen by its own??.. I hope this wasn't too much, thank u for ur time :)

According to the law you manifest the good, the bad and the indifferent. However, there's a difference between conscious manifestation and unconscious manifestation. So even if it wasn't your intention to manifest such unfavorable matters, that doesn't discredit how you can or should feel about the situation.

That said, you're not obligated to continue being a person you don't want to be. You don't have to be trapped in this conception of self if it has you in a terrible headspace, but the change must begin with you. You need to realize that the only person standing in your way of becoming the best version of yourself is you, there is no one to change but self. You are bringing forward excuses about guilt because you have to manifest xyz okay AND? You're no better nor worse than somebody who didn't have to manifest it. There's a reality where you're the total opposite of everything you've just described, there's a reality where it's even better than anything you could've ever imagined. No reality is better than another, so why not start working with the law to your favor? You're manifesting 24/7 anyway. You know you can do something about it, so just go for it. Don't let yourself get consumed by feelings of guilt over what is essentially YOUR birthright. Just go for it and don't give up for anything or anyone, you deserve to live out the life of your dreams.

#trauma dump

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mikiruma · 2 years

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actually wtf is going on in the replies of the breaking bad post we reblogged earlier???? do people think breaking bad is a show about our good buddy walter white who was thrust into an unfair situation and was rewarded for killing people????? sorry to drop spoilers for a show that ended 9 years ago but

heres just a short list of things i can remember he did off the top of my head

rejected payment for his treatment out of pride/resentment for the old friend offering (who was a BILLIONAIRE)

got into meth without really any prompting (yes he was desperate but you could argue he could have done literally anything else in his position instead of stew quietly and fuck around in the desert)

kills/severely injures 2 people the second time cooking ever

(throughout the show) manipulating/gaslighting his wife, his lab partner, anyone he thinks he has an inkling of power over

when his meth empire as he knows it crumbles he starts working with actual white supremacists

one of which shoots/kills a child in front of him, which he defends

literally nearly every scene of him and jesse interacting

indirectly caused the universe's "9/11 two" (by watching/letting the daughter of the air traffic controller who took responsibility die) (the daughter happening to be jesse's gf at the time)

at a school assembly addressing this he essentially told the student body & faculty (many of which were directly affected by the tragedy ie property damage via plane/body parts or severe emotional trauma from witnessing) to "get over it"

poison's jesse's new gf's son to manipulate jesse into killing their boss, who they don't like admittedly but jesse isn't an overzealous idiot

literally every scene where he tells skyler "you dont know WHAT ive done for this family... to protect us..." literally nobody asked you to start cooking meth and terrorizing people

ok on god this show is designed to make you sympathize with him early on bc hes sad and desperate and trying to be a strong brave man but he gets so gradually unlikeable and is continuously punished and doesnt understand WHY bc he was BADASS and BUSINESS IS BOOMING and honestly i cant give you a specific point when i personally stopped rooting for walt bc i've been rewatching slowly and just always knew he was a shithead but i WILL say it is extremely apparent when, in the beginning, he cries abt how he does it to secure a future for his family & keep them out of medical debt and even originally has a set dollar amount goal! but in early s5 he calls $5mil 'pennies' and even before then its extremely obvious it hasnt been about the family for a long ass time, hes no longer interested in securing a future, hes trying to flex his wealth (NOT EVEN BOTHERING WITH MONEY LAUNDERING UNTIL S4?????) and "prove" how much of a hero he can be to his family who never asked him to do any of this.

this show is awesome bc you get to watch a guys joker arc set in over the course of a year or so and he sucks SO BAD. it literally shows how the nightmare medical industry drives people to desperate measures. it shows toxic masculinity and the problems with the nuclear family mindset/image and a wonderfully awful demonstration of how pride can rot you. seeing ppl say they wont watch the show because it touches on those themes at all, being completely dismissive of how theyre examined or what the point in all of it is, is really fucking weird. i dont mean to sound like a married middle-class white man in a mid-life crisis who thinks he's walter white and would kin him if i knew what that meant (and was simultaneously too cool for comic books so i cant relate to the joker at all) but this show is fucking cool and i have just witnessed the other side of the fanbase revival, which is 'people who have never seen it who think they know what its about posting their opinions online and it hurts my little autistic brain'

#talking #all this to say......... i miss jane margolis

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mulderscully · 3 years

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S"lvershewolf or whatever she has the most unhealthy obsession with ainsley. She said that Ainsley had to do something to teach Malcolm a lesson, and that's why she had to do what she did and that's why it's okay because he had to learn because he's an abuser too. That is what she said. I've never blocked someone so fast because that's what abusive parents say. I've blocked so many people the last week and I rarely block anyone!! Someone said good for her I saw it I know who you mean and I saw them on all these posts harassing people to defend ainsley before I blocked them. Another two people said how mysoginistic it is to call her out and how everyone 'hating' on her is sexist. It's only some people not even that many but it's so gross and triggering to keep seeing so thank you for your post. It's like people who say Martin's a good dad. I love Martin and Ainsley as evil people and they're such good characters for being bad, I can't stand people trying to pretend they're good just so they can feel morally justified of shipping them with other characters or liking them at all. like and ship them as being bad, that's okay! stop making excuses, you can like a villain! Stop trying to pretend all characters you like need to fit what you accept in real life by faking they aren't as terrible as they are because that's so much more untrustworthy then just saying 'yeah he's awful but really good looking and I want to like him but I'm not saying he's a good person.' at least on ao3 it's stories, and when they write victim blaming it's from a bad character. This is their real life selves doing the victim blaming and they're saying stuff like 'no, I get it she's in the right!' And if someone said that about a fic they wrote where bad things happened, where they didn't say 'this is really awful and mean obviously but it's just a story' but they said 'no, this is ok in real life and I defend the bad person's actions and think they're okay' I'd not trust them either and I've never seen anyone do that! that's how strange these few fandom people are. it's especially bad the people who defend by saying Malcolm deserved it or any of the other abuse his parents or team or anyone else have put him through. And I would call him out for abuse that bad too if he did and not watch the show more because he's not an abuser. It's so upsetting to see and he's not gaslighting. they don't understand it's not a term to throw around and they won't listen to victims of it in real life they ignore. I dont trust people so diehard obsessed with a character that they can't acknowledge when they do something horrible and instead say the victim deserved it. Ugh. This was long and maybe made no sense sorry but I needed to say it to someone.

so this was long, but it makes sense and i completely agree with you. i blocked a few people too over this.

to say that malcolm is an abuser is really, really unfair and plain untrue. malcolm does everything from a place of love and trying to help. when he fucks up he tries to make amends. words like abuse and gaslighting get thrown around way too often on here, and in no way do i think that scene is framed in a way that we are meant to agree with ainsley. we're supposed to be on malcolm's side, because this is his show. it's just a fact. i could write an essay about how refreshing malcolm's masculinity is because he so clearly wants to do and be good. he has a naturally gentle heart despite the world trying to break him. it isn't misogynistic to defend him lol

and i agree abt people who like martin or claim him to be a good father/loving. martin does not love malcolm, he wants to control and mold malcolm and malcolm is too good for that. he's too resilent and it will never work. i absolutely enjoy martin, he is funny, charming and cute. he is supposed to be. that's the point. but you have to remember what he is and what he has done. it's all a facade and a show. it's fake. him calling malcolm, "my boy" is a micro-way to have a sense of ownership on him, it's not a pet name.

ainsley, as far as we've seen, is being set up as a a villian. it isn't just that she killed someone, it's the subtle context clues around her behavior. from not caring about victims in order to get a story, to the flashbacks of her childhood mindgames and jessica's fear of her, all leading to her purposely traumtizing malcolm even after he came clean to her. it's all saying, "she is her father's daughter" which honestly had been a really cool twist imo as opposed to dark malcolm, which i don't think makes any sense with who he is.

it isn't misogynistic to say she's being written as a villian. you could say the writing is misogynistic, but i don't think it is. she isn't the only woman on this show. quite frankly i care much more about dani, edrisa and jessica than i do ainsley. if they wrote off ainsley for me to get more dani backstory, i would be competely fine with that.

but honestly, i think... sometimes people get genuinely charmed by serial killer characters through the screen and it's really an interesting phenomenon? as you said sometimes they feel like the character needs to be good to be justified in enjoying them which isn't true. but other times i do think some fall for the character's charisma and facade 😳

#reply #anonymous #prodigal son #anti ainsley #i guess lol #i'm sleepy but i'm glad u enjoyed the post!

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linos-teeth · 5 years

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Don't apologize either, it's normal to vent times to times and to feel bad abt things :( but what u want isnt dumb, i personally wish i could go smwhere where people dont leave me w/out explanation or where i dont feel like a burden just bc of the way i was born, ya know? Lmao sorry it sounds a bit sad-- so if your wish is dumb, mine is 110x dumber lol. Idk why i'd stop wanting to send asks bc of a bit of vent tho :') and pshh don't worry, you're not unfun to be around! [1/3]

Also, tbh you have the right to feel bad abt something if you want to feel bad abt things that dont go your way– even if it’s some sort of ‘payback’ or whtv, you CAN feel like it’s unfair. I mean, if you are sorry abt what u’ve done in the past, the guilt is already some kind of payback.. WELL in theory, that’s what i like to tell myself, but i can kinda relate?? [2/3]

3/3 I mean i must be someone terrible if i deserve to feel utterly and completely useless/forgotten around my friends and family while they blame me for not having fun w/ them?? lol anyway THIS ISNT about me srry~!! But I wish I knew how to make you feel better (feels like déjà-vu, have i already said that? Boy i hope i dont repeat myself but id RLLY like to know hh) but i can only send you virtual support i guess?? So just know that ure not alone and that people care abt you, including me ❤️-💕

OKOKOK I’M BACK HOME!!! i had a good time actually if you don’t consider the shitty place i was staying in (esp the second week ppl were so loud in the middle of the night all the time and the bathroom was……sucky) but hey at least nobody ever walked in on me taking a shower and i only forgot my keycard in the room once and i managed not to spill anything on my bed so!! otherwise i saw some neat things and learned some shit and some ppl were kinda nice to me and i ate good food so i can‘t complain. now i just need my brain to get over that late night bus ride i slept in the morning but i‘m still disoriented :/

ANYWAY enough abt me moving on!! that’s not a dumb wish at all it’s just fuck i wish you didn’t have to feel this way bc i mean i’m just a bystander but you don’t feel like a burden to me like a burden to me includes actively deciding to make ppls lives hell and u don’t seem to be doing that so yeah! i personally am very guilty of leaving ppl ngl, idk your situation but i usually do it when i’m just rly overwhelmed by life and not bc i hate the other person now but i guess that doesn’t rly excuse it either sfkjhfka

and i get what you mean yeah, in theory, and i Know wasn’t payback bc it’s an entirely different situation and all it just feels rly stupid idk like wow look annie u weren‘t thinking and now here u are being pissed abt things but are u any better? you know that shit but yeah i guess you’re right abt the guilt thing! BUT WHATWHATWHAT did that happen what the fuck??? do you need me to punch someone bc wtf you don’t blame ppl for that p l s

it’s ok tho!! you’re my anon and i tell u abt my things and u tell me abt yours that’s very ok ♥ and i AM feeling better now and i did when you sent these too so thank you!! i’m rly lucky to have u honestly i’m sorry i left u hanging for a while there but i’ll be quicker the next few days till i leave again on wednesday! i hope you had a good day today ily 💕 anon ♥♥♥

#also i swear half of the ppl in berlin were french is it a plot do u know anything abt that #ask #💕 anon #Anonymous

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