#when i was in 8th grade i had to switch schools and redo the year because of me severe mental disorders getting in my way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

constantlylostinmyhead · 4 years

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Life Story Word Vomit

Trigger warning: Suicide, Self harm, Drug/Alcohol abuse, and sexual assault

My life has been one constant rollercoaster I can’t seem to get off. I grew up in a small town in Washington, My parents got divorced when I was 8 and both remarried not super long after. I had a lot of issues with my mother growing up. It always seemed like she wasn't there, and when she was, it never really felt like she really was. In the weeks following my dad walking out on us, my mom kept me from seeing him. I have always been and always will be a daddy girl, I’ve resented my mom for holding me hostage when I needed my dad the most. When my dad got remarried, I had an awful relationship with my new step mom. We never saw eye to eye and butted heads a lot. After many years of resenting her for no viable reason, I took a step back and realized she was one of the best people I've ever had walk into my life. She brought my two amazing little siblings into my life, and showed me what a loving relationship should look like. My life was looking up. Middle school is when things started getting weird in my life. In 6th grade my school caught on fire, they sent us back to an elementary school to ride out the rest of the year. The following year they transferred us to a different middle school, the school with the worst reputation, I was terrified. I didn't want to be there. I ended up making some of my very best friends and making great memories that year. Then 8th grade came. They had rebuilt my original middle school and I was transferred back. After several months of severe bullying and teachers that didn't seem to care, I convinced my parents to transfer me back to the school I had gone to the previous year. After that life was great, I had so many friends that ended up following me into adulthood. When 9th grade rolled around I was at a school that I would learn would change my life. I still had great friends, got my first boyfriend (who was a drug dealer--oof) I was doing okay in school , and I thought my life would only go up from there. Then the summer before 10th grade I met the love of my life. Little did I know it was the beginning of my first toxic relationship. I started 10th grade off hopeful that it was going to be even better than the year before, and it was until I suffered a pretty severe brain seizure. Other than that it was great until October 23rd, 2013. I was in my English class redoing a test I had scored poorly on. My phone kept going off and I eventually stepped out to return the call from one of my best friends, after several missed calls. She was sobbing. She didn't want to be alive anymore and there was nothing I could do to stop her, and she was right. She lived across the country. Then, She shot herself. I didn't know what to do. I walked back into my classroom and walked up to my teacher and barely told him what happened before I collapsed. What was happening? How could I be going through this right now? How does someone put a gun to their head and end their life at 14? I started ditching school, it was too painful to be around and talk to people. It pulled me under so far that I eventually decided maybe the world would be better off without me too. A few weeks later I decided that I was going to hang myself before my parents got home. I didn't even make it out of school before I was pulled from school and brought to my counselor, and eventually the emergency room. I had never seen my dad look at me like that, there was so much pain in his eyes. My mom ended up leaving an hour or so after I got there. My dad sat by my side until they let me go home over 9 hours later. I started counseling and life started getting better. December rolled around and a guy in my yoga class started getting very physical with me, I had never been so uncomfortable. But he was 2 years older and I didn't want a bad rep so I kept quiet. We ended up having a yoga field trip and they were 2 seats short on the bus, the guy offered to drive me to the falls since there weren't any seats and I didn't have it in me to say no. When I got into his car he started touching my leg and trying to pull my pants down. I told him he was making me uncomfortable but he didn't care, I lost my virginity that day, in the most painful and humiliating way. He told me if I told anyone he'd beat the shit out of me. He even told my boyfriend at the time that he'd do it again. I pushed that memory to the deepest part of my brain and tried to move on. January came and a girl that I grew up with was tragically killed in a car accident over the weekend. One of the kindest and most selfless people I've ever met. The school was silent for a long time. Everybody was in shock. After that I thought “there's no way things could get worse, Ive already lost two friends, and been raped. there's no way”. Then July rolled around. I was 10 days from my 16th birthday when my great grandma passed. I had never loved anyone more than her. She was my rock. If you'd ever met her you'd know why. It shattered me. I had been through hell and back but that was my breaking point. I started cutting, small scratches turned into gashes across my thighs. The scars never went away. That year had taught me a lot. I went through literal hell, and I decided to learn from those tragedies and made it my mission to never let anyone ever feel like they were unloved or less then. That I would love everyone I ever met wholeheartedly. I joined choir, and it ended up being the best experience of my life. I made so many lifelong friends and memories. Choir quite literally saved my life. I started masking my depression because who would want to be friends with the suicidal girl? I poured myself into every friendship I had, and depleted myself before I could take care of my own problems. The rest of high school went pretty well considering the trauma I was still carrying around. After I graduated I started taking pills and drinking, I wasn't in a good place. Then I stared dating a guy I had been friends with since elementary school, it was great. I was so happy but things started going wrong, He found out about my opioid problem and ended up dumping me at the fair. I started working on beating my addiction but it took about 2 years. In September of 2017 I was finally coming out on top, I landed an amazing job that paid me more than I ever thought I could make without a degree. I had also met a guy that I thought was amazing. He was older, and I thought he really cared about me. I spent 2.5 years (on and off) with him. He introduced me to his friends, and I had never been introduced as the girlfriend before, I was elated. His friends slowly became my friends, and eventually became family. I was so blinded by the good things that I never took off my rose colored glasses long enough to realize that behind everything good was a bunch of lies, cheating, and gaslighting. Life started getting pretty overwhelming for me. I started counseling again and was officially diagnosed with Depression, anxiety, ptsd, and borderline personality disorder. I switched to a more comprehensive therapy that dealt specifically with PTSD and BPD. I started improving, very quickly. I was happy and I felt like myself again. I decided I wanted to take a trip to escape and reflect for a while. My friend had been traveling through South America for 6 months and I decided to visit her. In March of 2019 I took a 10 day trip to Ecuador that forever changed my perspective. I learned so much about myself on that trip and can't wait to go back and learn more. I eventually broke up with the guy after I had realized how toxic and abusive it was. That was September of 2019. I kept getting this feeling that I needed to leave. I couldn't shake it and I didn't know where I would even go. In January of 2020 I decided that LA is where my heart was, I ended up landing a job interview and flew down and was hired on the spot. A month later I packed up my entire life and drove to LA to start my new life. I've been here for a little over a month and its been a rollercoaster with the virus going around and the lockdown, But I've never been more excited to see what this new chapter has in store for me.

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