#what am i doing with myslef so late at night

[54yntjyn6y45gy]

Vent?

So last night was hell. I was feeling so sick like I wanted to vomit even though I cant let out anything, I continuously go out and in to our dressing room to my bedroom and I hated what I was feeling and I couldn't calm down and I was already crying at that point. So I decided to go to my mom's room to like lay down with her and hug her expecting comfort but rather than comfort, she starts to scold me is what I got. "Thats why I told you to change your eating habits!" "Its because you're eating too much!" Things like that, but I am losing weight but its just so hard to do so really when i've becoming tired now-a-days and I need food to gain my energy back. She didnt even hugged me realizing what she said no, her sleep matters to her more. So I had no choice but to come back to my room and cry myself to sleep. There was class the next day and it was so hard to wake up because I slept so late last night crying and overthinking all the things my mom said. I hated every moment of it. Surprisingly I was longing for my sister's comfort even though she also wont do what im asking for. Just for once, I just wish that this will happen even once in my life! For someone to tell me that its going to be ok and that I dont have to force myself. At this point, all I have right now is myslef, my phone, and my dog. I never want to experience that again. I decided to eat little amount of food. Earlier breakfast, I only ate one ham and a small scoop of rice. For lunch just small two scoops of rice. It was killing me, I was thinking about what my mom told me and I couldnt eat properly. Why did I turn out to be the person I am today?

[scar0tissue]

Something I want to talk about: Scooby Doo!

I can not express enough how much I love this franchise. I grew up with it and I still get giddy when the theme song comes on, for me it is a amazing package of my childhood sent right back to me whenether I see the gang. But what I want to focus on with the new movie out are exactly that, the movies. I love these movies. But I will say that some of them are less than worth a watch: so as a self proclaimed Scooby Doo enthusiast I will give short (and bad) reviews based on my memory of them and tell you whether I think they're worth a watch. By the way , this is in no particular order. And this will also probably not contain every movie, just the ones I have memory of.

NOTE: these are my opinions, these are based on my experience and what they are like to me.

1. Zombie Island: (I know I said in no particular order, but I had to put in my top 3).what a place to start, a fantastic movie that captures the feeling a Scooby Doo movie should have. Unlike most Scooby Doo movies this one is actually on the scarier side of things, there is a real sense that things may go wrong for the gang and it is a good spice up of the regular formula Scooby Doo has. I say that this movie is well worth a watch.

2. The Witches Ghost: I don't actually know if this followed the zombie Island chronologically or by release, but for me it always felt like the next movie to watch. The opening sequence to this movie always takes me back to when I was a child and would by at my grandmother's house and we would watch this. The movie is very interesting with more plot twists than your average Scooby Doo episode. It is in my opinion on par with zombie Island. Once again I say this movie is well worth a watch.

3. Pirates Ahoy!: Oh the memories with this. If you ever want a pure example of a great Scooby Doo movie, look no further than this pirate themed adventure. It has everything zombies, pirates , and Scooby and shaggy dancing like chickens. It also has one of my favourite side characters in the form of the scientist that comes aboard. I don't want to spoil any of this movie as I would put this near top spot. If you want to watch any Scooby Doo movie , watch this and get to scrubbing the deck ya sea dogs.

The Loch Ness Monster: this movie ,while not my absolute favourite, holds a special place in my heart as it is the closest I beleive a Scooby Doo movie has ever been to where I live. It takes the classic legend of the loch Ness, and manages to make a mystery movie that can only be described as amazing. Definetly a good watch.

Where's my Mummy: it knows what it is , it has asthetic (did I spell it right?) It has pyramids, sand , mummy's , Pharos, and more. Worth a watch and honestly a cut above the rest.

Aloha, Scooby Doo: I would once again say the same as with the previous review. It knows what it is , the dancing, the volcanos and the surfing. A regular old mystery with that extra volcano god/demon mixed in. worth a watch.

The samurai sword: Robo ghost samurais, do I need say any more? Watch it.

Alien Invaders: Ok, this is a very interesting movie. The design of the aliens as well as the whole setting makes for a great movie. It has good pacing and also a better love story than twilight. Worth a watch.

Monster of Mexico: watch this, it may be old, but watch it. It is an absolutely fantastic price of media that encapsulates what Scooby Doo is at its core. The gang going somewhere nice just to find themselves slap bang in the middle of a regular old mystery. Worth a watch.

Chill Out Scooby Doo: do you know what surprised me , is the amount of winter/snow based movies in the Scooby Doo franchise. But I will say this one stands out. It is interesting and good to watch. I would say it's worth a watch.

Goblin King: goblins , ghouls and whatever creepy will pop up in this movie , creepy and fun, definetly a good watch. Especially the end.

Abracadabra Doo: this is what I think was the high point of Scooby Doo was in the 2010's before mystery incorporated came out. This was a good movie which mixed magic, mythology, and mystery together well. A really good watch, but I can see how some may not like it.

Legend of the Phantasaur: Dino's and bikers , all against shaggy. Who will win, great movie, worth a watch if your devoted enough, but may be a bore for some people.

Cyber Chase: cyber Chase is more like a fan fiction than anything else, it is fan service. You see some fan favourite monsters, the gang teams up with a parallel version of themselves and it comes to a climax. It is a good watch for nostalgia, but I would say it may not look the best to people that don't have all that many memories of Scooby Doo.

Camp Scare: this , for me, perfectly embodies the old tradition of a summer camp, at least idealised. The end is an amazing watch and it has a pretty good feel for most of it. Especially Fred with his never ending optimism. Worth a watch. But like me, may not be the best if you have bad memories of summer camp.

Too be completely honest, most movies past this point in the animated section are boring or downright bad. But there may be hope with a Scooby Doo movie with king Arthur coming out this year.

Honourable Mentions for animated movies:

Music of the vampire.

Legend of the vampire.

Big top.

Stage Fright.

Wrestlmania mystery.

In this list I have put the ones on dvd I remember, but I do remember also some VHS ones that I don't know If you can or can't get them today. But all of them are worth watching, these are: Boo Brothers , ghoul school, the reluctant werewolf, and Arabian Nights.

Now live action.

These movies I would say are more comedy's than anything else. While they do have touching moments , you'll probably find yourself laughing more than anything else. So here we go:

Scooby Doo: an island with weird monster people and bad CGI? Sign me up. A good watch but as I mentioned earlier, more so for the comedy.

Scooby Doo 2, Monsters Unleashed: actually a good movie, good villains and genuinely good moments. The effects I would say are better than the first one and the characters it introduces are pretty good. Also Daphne sasses everyone. Definitely worth a watch.

Scooby Doo! The Mystery begins + Curse of the lake monster: I have grouped these both into one because I just think they're bad, I watched them for free on Amazon and I still think I need money back. They are nothing compared to the original live action. Also , Fred is a brunette , how did nobody seem to realise this while making this. Not worth watching.

Once again, post 2015 nothing was really worth watching, but I can't speak for the live action Daphne and Velma movie, I don't even know if this can be classified as a Scooby Doo movie because I dont beleive he's in it. But I have not watched it and therefore cant give a proper review for it. So for the sake of simplicity, I will say it's worth a watch.

I think this wraps this up. I am in no way a professional reviewer, I am just someone who likes Scooby Doo , a lot. I don't own any of the images in this post.

Stay home and stay safe, much love my friends.

Best wishes.

#scooby doo #shaggy and scooby #mystery inc #movies #reveiw #movie reviews #what am i doing with myslef so late at night #is this real #stay safe #the ever growing fear of age overtakes me #are you really reading all the tags? #good on you #thank you

[murobrown]

I was tagged by @dangerous-lithium-animals , thank you a lot Jessi :) ♥ 

What was the last thing you read?  It was this swedish book called “Rit”. It was for my reading class and it was pretty nice, more like a collection of novels. Some of them were so weird and hard to understand but most of them were interesting 

Favorite movie? Submarine, Boyhood, Magnolia...first three that I thought about, there are many many more. And Once Upon A Time In Hollywood immediately become my favorite 

Favorite book? Burnt Child by Stig Dagerman

Dream Date? No idea, I never been on one. I imagine something chilled and not too fancy. Maybe just taking a walk and grabbing some food or drink. Cinema can be nice too

Do you have a crush? Yes, on every single boy I have ever seen ♥ 

What are your hobbies? Music, movies, cooking, cleaning

What is your favorite time of day? I am not sure if I have one. It depends on my mood and on actual day. Sometimes I like mornings sometimes evenings and sometimes late night. 

If you could look like anything, what would you look like? I would like to be little bit taller and very much skinnier. Change a lot of things about my face, give myself normal hair....I just want to look nothing like I look rn

Are you romantic? I don’t know, I never had an opportunity to discover those things about myself. I don’t even know what should I imagine under “romantic”....

What’s your favorite type of weather? Chilly weather but I also like sunny spring days. And I love snow too! 

What do you like talking about? Depends on the person and situation but most of the time it’s music, movies, shared memories, emotions...I love deep conversations with right person 

What are your turn ons? Confidence, kind heart, good taste in music (musicians overall, doesn’t matter if you play guitar or trombone...I’m in love), being nice to animals

Turn offs? Aggressivity, arrogance, spitting on the ground, beards 

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it? I’ve been wanting a tattoo for so long!!! I told myself that I get one once I get my bachelor’s degree. I’d like to get something small related to my cat. Somewhere on my hand, like wrist

Do you have any pets?  Yes :) A cat named Muro

Dream job?  My current job = working at cat café :)))

Dream place to live? I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind living in my hometown my whole life. Anything else sounds too unrealistic. But dream place would be somewhere in England for sure!

Dream vacation? Manchester or Liverpool, anywhere in Scandinavia, I’d love to go to Vienna once again

Do you have any piercings? Do earrings count? Otherwise none and I don’t feel the need to get anything else 

If you had kids what would you name them? I don’t ever want to have kids. But I like Oliver or Silvester for boy and Stella for girl 

What are your best traits? My taste in music 

Worsts traits? I am very ugly and fat, very quiet and shy, I think too much, I am very very LAZY, I am awkward, I can be very annoying, I am too emotional and I am scared of everything 24/7

What’s your worst fear? Being called mean or unkind, any confrontation with other people but also sharks, snakes, sea, heights, fire, darkness and DOCTORS

What do you want to eat right now? Hmmm just finished my breakfast so I am not that hungry but I’d always go for pizza

What’s your best vacation you’ve ever been on? I was on vacation only once really. It was like 8 years ago in Croatia, it was pretty nice, but one week was too much for me 

Favorite city?  My hometown Martin :) 

Favorite social media platform? I don’t really have any other social medias besides Tumblr (I don’t count Facebook)...but Reddit is fun too!

Favorite article of clothing? My blue and white Adidas Spezials 

Do you play sports? No not really, only sometimes badminton or football in the summer with friends or family. Nothing professional

Favorite meal of the day? Lunch? Sometimes dinner...sometimes breakfast. It depends what I’m cooking hah

What are you excited for? I don’t know...nothing really

Not excited for? Waking up and living this life every single day

When was the last time you cried? Last night hahaha 

Dream House? I don’t want house. I want apartment. It would have kitchen joined togehter with living room. I want a brick wall black leather sofa and big vinyl collection with stereo in my living room. Then I want black and white bathroom with huge shower. And I want balcony

What’s something you hate about the world? Myslef ♥ And other bad people

What’s something you love about the world? Animals, most of people I know, all the good music, all the nice nature, all the art that is out there

What scents do you like? Green tea, lavender, sandalwood

What kind of sleeper are you? I don’t know. Normal I guess? It depends...sometimes it takes me three hours to fall asleep sometimes three minutes. But I am not that much of a heavy sleeper 

Are you a cat or dog person? If this means introverted or extroverted then I’m introverted. But I love cats and dogs equally ♥ 

How long would you survive in the zombie apocalypse? Not a single day on my own. If I’d had someone to protect me I’d survive little bit longer but they would kill me because I’d be useless and annoying haha 

Are you trusting? Yes most of the time, but it depends on the preson. I need to know you before I can really trust you

What fictional character do you identify with? I really don’t know...

What labels do you usually get? Small/short, kind, positive and my classmate called me weird yesterday

What song would be your life anthem? Girl In A Dirty Shirt - Oasis

What issues are you dealing with right now? Trying not to kill myslef and dealing with this person who had feelings for me but I am not able to have those feelings for him back so I feel like the biggest asshole in the world

How can someone win you over? It’s not too hard, just be nice. I am not complicated at all

What’s something about you people don’t know? I don’t know if there’s anything I want to share like this haha. If people don’t know it I probably like it that way...But I was born one month earlier when I was a kid. I was really tiny and nearly died and they had to put me in the incubator for some time to keep me alive. My mum loves to remind me this hah 

I am sorry that this is SO long haha!  I am not tagging anyone, but anyone can feel free to do this :) 

#tagged #thank youuu ♥

[quackspot]

imagine someone just going 1-200 and you have to answer 200 questions for a stranger

well u better strap up becuase im about to do it

200: My crush’s name is: i dunno who do u think my crush’s name is199: I was born in: a year which is 2004198: I am really: a homo sapien197: My cellphone company is:  i think its samsung196: My eye color is: brown195: My shoe size is: 9 or 9.5 i think just 9194: My ring size is: WAIT RINGS HAD SIZES????? i dunno193: My height is: 5′4 ISH but i just say 5′4 because im actually really sensitive about my height and the less than an inch that brings me to 5′4 makes me somewhat happier with myself192: I am allergic to: maybe dustmites 191: My 1st car was: not yet190: My 1st job was: NOT YET189: Last book you read: technically a book called Dad Jokes theyre really funny jokes but if you mean story with plot then probably Grand & Humble unless if you include everything then yesterday i peeked in some books188: My bed is: a bed which i sleep in and that’s pretty much it actually i havent really made my bed in a while 187: My pet: jax and nibsy r the family pets jax is a shih-poo shihtzu poodle mix and nibsy is a cat186: My best friend: my brother185: My favorite shampoo is: shampoo184: Xbox or ps3: hard choice there’s xbox overall and little big planet this is actually a very hard choice lksiiro3jedsklmf,gsda little big planet is great........................183: Piggy banks are: piggy banks. theyre great182: In my pockets: I DONT HAVE POCKETS IM A WOMAN181: On my calendar: whats a calendar lol!!!!180: Marriage is: marriage 179: Spongebob can: dodod od odo dodooo178: My mom: IS GREAT i lov her shes a good mom177: The last three songs I bought were? i dont buy songs i listen to them176: Last YouTube video watched: i mean im listening to boyfriend big time rush on youtube right now but if you mean actual watching its snufkin saying “hi moomin” to moomin a quick 6 second clip175: How many cousins do you have? i duno174: Do you have any siblings? yeah173: Are your parents divorced? yeah172: Are you taller than your mom? probably not :(171: Do you play an instrument? i play the trumpet i did it today and it was really boring i dont want to go to any more graduations not even my own170: What did you do yesterday? things[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: not really but somewhat and i like it because its a fun little thing to put in fiction 168: Luck: yea im very lucky167: Fate: its my destiny to die someday . . .. .  in the futuuuuuuuuuuure

166: Yourself: as far as im aware no165: Aliens: yeah probably164: Heaven: i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing163: Hell:i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing162: God: only to blame them for stuff161: Horoscopes: yea theyre fun to read160: Soul mates: ehehehehehhe fun in fanfiction and would greatly b ok with it irl159: Ghosts: who else would hold my hand at night...... not even a ghost :) (but yea i do believe in them when i grow up i wana be a ghost)158: Gay Marriage: why wouldnt i believe in gay marriage 157: War: what is it good for156: Orbs: borb155: Magic: i like magic so i will believe in it [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: yes153: Drunk or High: probably high i guess152: Phone or Online: ONLINE151: Red heads or Black haired: black haired 150: Blondes or Brunettes: BRUNETTES dude blondes r ok but i personally like darker hair149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: SUMMER I HATE WINTER SO FUCKIGNT OASJKU*($@IRWJKOSDIUOKLJEZUDIFLK:LDSK:LKF:LJIODSKZVDJFKL mostly becuase i hate being cold and i hate snow becuase i have to shovel snow and its so cold147: Autumn or Spring: either one 146: Chocolate or vanilla: choc o late145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: curly but i guess straight is ok142: McDonalds or Burger King: burbger king good milkshakese141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: idk uhh milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: pc139: Flip flops or high heals: neither......138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and rich i can just buy surgeries to make me prettier lmao137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: i dont wanna answer this :(((((( i dont like being bullied135: Burried or cremated: cremated babye put me in the flames ;3c134: Singing or Dancing: i like singing i like dancing i like trains 133: Coach or Chanel: what132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are these people131: Small town or Big city: im just a mere small town babye ;3c big cities sound scary 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target has the good cheeseballs129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: i only know adam sandler128: Manicure or Pedicure: i dont do my nails 127: East Coast or West Coast: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh both are coasts126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday i get more gifts then uwu125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: disney because idk what six flags is isnt it a restaurant or something123: Yankees or Red Sox: a baseball bat [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: what is it good for!121: George Bush: idk 120: Gay Marriage: yeah gay rights119: The presidential election: im not that into politics so i dont understand the elections and i dont think their fair since i get all my facts from adam ruins everything this isnt even a joke118: Abortion: pro choice i dont giv a crap about some lifeless baby. its only alive if it can properly move its arms or cry or feel.117: MySpace: haha dead116: Reality TV: idk 115: Parents: theyre parents 114: Back stabbers: ow my back113: Ebay: website.... money112: Facebook: lizard man111: Work: what110: My Neighbors: idk who they are but my old neighbor was one of my best friends i should talk to him this summer109: Gas Prices: probably too high108: Designer Clothes: clothes107: College: something i dont plan on going to any time soon106: Sports: something i dont plan on doing any time soon105: My family: a family104: The future: spooky. very scary. idk what my job will be[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: idk (update it was today)102: Last time you ate: 4:13 ish i made ramne101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: i duno100: Cried in front of someone: today i suppose i almost cried???? maybe my dentist appointment a few weeks ago??99: Went to a movie theater: lego movie 2 i think98: Took a vacation: 6th grade im in 9th grade now its been like 3 years97: Swam in a pool: over 1 year i dont go to the pool anymore96: Changed a diaper: NEVER AND I NEVER PLAN ON IT95: Got my nails done: i duno94: Went to a wedding: i also dunno its been too long93: Broke a bone: not that i can recal92: Got a peircing: never and never will91: Broke the law: i duno90: Texted: just now i told my mommy to pick me up it wasl ike 1 hour ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: me88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my momy and nibsy and jax and probably zach but he’d already move out by the time i leave87: The last movie I saw: i dont remember probably lego movie 2 or osmething on tv86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: next year drama club85: The thing im not looking forward to: dying?????? idk man 84: People call me: moto moto (not really idk what they call me)83: The most difficult thing to do is: the most difficult thing82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never though i probs will someday81: My zodiac sign is: aquarius sun leo moon aries rising80: The first person i talked to today was: probably kiley79: First time you had a crush: kindergarten i think78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: myself77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk76: Right now I am talking to: nobody 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: *has a crisis over my future plans as i do not know*74: I have/will get a job: im gona work at target or burger king next year maybe it depends on if they like me73: Tomorrow: 5/20..............72: Today: today71: Next Summer: in a theater near u70: Next Weekend: my first summer weekend 69: I have these pets: I ALREAD YSAID WHAT PETS I HAVE I LOVE NIBSY WITH ALL MY HEART and jax with some extra parts of my heart68: The worst sound in the world: a sound67: The person that makes me cry the most is: me66: People that make you happy: me65: Last time I cried: ealier today64: My friends are: online63: My computer is: on62: My School: is a school61: My Car: nonexistent 60: I lose all respect for people who: are really mean and seem to hate people for being happy. people who make jokes that make me uncomfortable. i generally avoid them.59: The movie I cried at was: all of them58: Your hair color is: brown57: TV shows you watch: idk56: Favorite web site: idk probs youtube55: Your dream vacation: nowhere 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: A FEW WEEKS AGO I GOT STITCHES IN MY MOUTH AND IT REALLY HURT UGHGTUERIJOKFLDc53: How do you like your steak cooked: edible52: My room is: a room51: My favorite celebrity is: myslef..... just kidding idk any celebs 50: Where would you like to be: where i am 49: Do you want children: no 48: Ever been in love: hoo ha hoo ha i duno how love feels exactly47: Who’s your best friend: MY BROTHER46: More guy friends or girl friends: guys i think 99% of my friends are my brothers friends so45: One thing that makes you feel great is: being happy44: One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody right now but sometimes kiley43: Do you have a 5 year plan: 5 years??? haha no i only plan on using savings accounts to make a bit more money and MAYBE moving to kiley but idk for sure since i like my parents and my brother and my parents plan on driving around in an rv but idk man moving to another state would be HARD and im kinda lazy and i’d have to get a whole new driver’s license 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: lmao all my ideas are jokes40: Last person I got mad at: probably myslef39: I would like to move to: my bed???????38: I wish I was a professional: personer. talker. socialer. [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: probably snickers or a salted nut roll36: Vehicle: big car. tahoe shape. tahoe size. idk. something like a tahoe thats my only reference35: President: I Don’t Care34: State visited: probably florida its the only one of 3 states i’ve been to33: Cellphone provider: what32: Athlete: WHAT31: Actor: idk 30: Actress: idk29: Singer: not me? me? idk28: Band: taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally hall??? ? ?? ? ?? ? ? ? I DONT KNOWIJ DSKJZLFKSJKLDSHDLfjklskl;fdkl;sfk;laf 27: Clothing store: i legit have like no faves god this is the hardest part26: Grocery store: target probably25: TV show: maybe the simpsons???24: Movie: idk ive seen a lot of movies23: Website: one of them22: Animal: one of them21: Theme park: universal studios20: Holiday: none of them theyre all ok but ??? meh19: Sport to watch: none.18: Sport to play: idk i dont like being competitive but??????? gym class is a fun sport! :)17: Magazine: none of them16: Book: one of them15: Day of the week: wednesday sounds like a good day. maybe sundays. 14: Beach: what13: Concert attended: frankly the only concerts i’ve been to are my own12: Thing to cook: probably ramen11: Food: cheeseballs??????? burger king milkshake, a drink?10: Restaurant: buuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrger kiiiiiiiiiiing?9: Radio station: 101.9 kelo eff emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm8: Yankee candle scent: what7: Perfume: what6: Flower: what5: Color: red or purple4: Talk show host: wha

3: Comedian: i duno2: Dog breed: one of them1: Did you answer all these truthfully?  yeah i tried but i kinda gave up slightly after i came back from a graduation party though i also kind of gave up from the start so

#ohrat

[captain-coffeebean]

Get to know me or something maybe

I was tagged by the lovely @leigh57

Name: Liliana

Star Sign: Aries

Gender: woman 

Height: 5’3” I think, I always have a hard time converting lol

Sexuality: I was born blessed by Mother Sappho

What image do you have as a wallpaper: 

She’s Nora Cortiñas, a true hero and one of the best things that happened to the universe, if not the best. She’s the Mother of mothers.

Lock screen: I have a picture of Zelda Spellman because of reasons (?)

Where do you see yourself in 10 years: I don’t know where I see myslef tomorrow. I just wish to be able to learn how to be happy and that I can be more mentally stable. 

If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be: Anywhere where I could help the indigenous people of my country, they are suffering so fucking much, it’s devastating.

What was your coolest Halloween costume: We don’t celebrate Halloween here (Argentina) lately is starting to bloom, but when I was a kid people didn’t pay attention to it.

What’s your favorite ‘90s show: The X Files, Star Trek and Xena. I am unable to choose only one lol

Last kiss: To my grandma to wish her goodnight.

Have you ever been stood up: Nope.

Have you ever been to Las Vegas: No.

Favorite pair of shoes: The ones I wore when I met Sarah Brightman.

Favorite fruit: Strawberry

Stupidest thing you’ve ever done: Dating a psychopath who killed the last bit of self esteem that I had left  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Favorite .gif: 

Tagging @queenology @raptured-night @roslin @drmottershead and anybody who wants to do it! (I got tired of tagging, I’m a lazy little shit)

#thank you for the tag! #<3 <3 <3 #leigh57 #in which lili fails at life

[itskindacreepy-blog]

Tw

I had possibly the worst night of my life the other night. I was at a concert and I feel my most okay at a concert, I feel happy, confident and safe but this certain concert has definitely changed the way I view them. I was sexually assaulted. And I don’t remember that much except running out of the crowd sobbing, having a painc attack and feeling all together broken. I had to be taken outside by a few security guards because I just couldn’t stop this panic attack. I’ve always struggled with anxiety but I hadn’t had a panic attack in about a year which I was extremely proud of but that night I had about 6 or more. I remember finding two of my friends who saw what happened and running up to them and hugging them. I remember sitting in the corner of some stairs still having multiple panic attacks and two boys walked past me (who were older properly about 18-20) and they asked what happened and my friend told them I was sexually assaulted and their response is the most disgusting thing ever they simply reply “it happens to everyone get used to it” which I think is such a disgusting thing to say to anything in this nature, I also had people blaming it on the fact I’d had a drink (about 2 hours previous when I was in the line) I wasn’t feeling drunk or tipsy when this happened so I didn’t understand why this was an ok rely to someone saying they’ve been sexually assaulted. I cried for about 5 hours in the venue, outside it, on the way to the train station, on the train, in the car and I cried myself to sleep. I felt absolutely disgusting and violated. I couldn’t help to think that it was somehow my own fault as people kept blaming it on things I could have done (all these people being men and teen boys) (not trying to bash all men). I spent the next day in my bed room crying and unable to leave my room. A few of my friends messaged me but my “best friend” of 4-5 years didn’t even ask me if I was ok and this hurt and adding pain onto what I was already feeling. She messaged me very late at night NOT to ask me if I was ok but to be rude to me and have a go for no apparent reason. Earlier that day I ended up deleting instagram and snapchat so I wouldn’t see anything to do with this band as it just made me cry. I kept twitter and tumblr as I had nothing connecting me to them on it and I needed something to keep me form thinking about the situation (not that it worked) I just mainly laid in bed crying and watching YouTube. I was very close to killing myself as I still am. I have school tomorrow and I know I can’t do it, I don’t want to leave the house out of fear even though I know I’ll never see them again even if I did I’m not too sure I’m what they look like, I just don’t want to be around people who have the potential to hurt or touch me as the thought makes me sick and want to cry. I always thought if I was in a situation like this I’d be able to deal with it and I never thought I’d be affected as much as I was, but that wasn’t the case I haven’t been this was since I’ve been in sever depressive episodes and I don’t really know how to deal with it but I have to and it’s hard. I’m continually telling myslef I’m overreacting but I’m not I have a right to feel violated and disgusting and I do.

That’s all so sorry for the rant. I just really need to get this off my chest as I’m not comfortable in talking about it to people in my life. I know I never post anything personal on my blog but I just need to say this. Thank you if you read it all as I know it’s very long, I haven’t read it through so god knows if any of it makes sense.

#tw #triggerwarning #trigger

[mycomori]

i guess it’s mAYBE not normal that i had thoughts late a night of what if my parents suddenly died and i was legally left to my aunt (whom i love and who always did everything for me and took care of me) and i never wanted them dead at all and so of course that combine diets my ocd was like oh god i’m horribke i wished my parents dead that means they will die by my hand or i will be the cause of their death which yknow is still a feat since kit eveh that long ago my dad told me i was basically gonna be the death of him and that his brother (my crazy uncle) was the reason my grandpa i never met died (he dide dright before i was born) and i know their other sister had blamed him too for it and i don’t know exactly what he supposedly did to cause his death but i do know it’s a horribke fucking burden to bear and the thought of being the cause of my dads death no mater what he’s done to me and my life no matter of anything i love him so much i am so much like him and he is a good elrond and that fucjjbfb KILS me. it’s the truth if the works for me. people can be good and still do horribke tings. my dad was, IS, a really good person. he’s overly caring and selfless jjst like my grandpa(from what i heard) and he would give up ANYTHING to help others. he would give the shirt off his back, the last of his food, and maybe in giving him to much credit. maybe he wouldn’t do that for jjst anyone. because u know he can be cold and selfish too. i know it all too well. an thinking about it makes me wanna cryZ and die at the same time. because i love him so much. why do i have to live ju so much. why does he have to be a good person. why can’t i jjst hate him like i hate allthe other abusers. why can’t i stop excusing him. on the end he did very little wrong. he barely even touched my physically. and emotionally ya he got me fucked uo or whatever. but in comparison to most its nothing. nothing. nothing. even so i live him and always will and always will fear his death or being the cause of it especially since he shoved that in my face last summer during our last major fight. haha. i don’t even think i talked of that here cause i was in an area w no service. but it was bad. it was a lot. and i wanted to kill myslef so fuckin bad. like actively. and i told my mom so. probably broke her heart. i am sorry. im so sorry. i don’t know where i am anymore. i don’t know.

[angel78]

heres an update since its been a while 

lets fuckin see......

i absolutely fucking love living alone and having MY own fucking apartment i fucking fucking fuckiNG LOVE IT

and it sucks not having furniture or even a bed and ive slept on the floor (well the 6/20 days ive slept) every night but having a place with all of my things thats all mine that i get to love and take care of is literally amazing

however my job has been so slow and im making no fucking money hahahahaha perfect timing RIGHT

so yeah ive decided im finding a club to work at in philly

anyway my grades are a fucking mess i am falling apart acedemically

i am lucky if i sleep two nights a week for a few hours at a time i am incapable of being sober my life depends on adderall and i am literally on my last thread i feel myself on the edge of psychosis and im liteally terrified

and othrewise i either stay up all night speeding or get drunk/high every night

i am literally almost out of money lmao

i havent spoken to my parents in like two months 

my eating disorder is furious and i cant stop thinking about relapsing with coke

btu if im being honesit lately ive been thinking about doing something worse

and im actually really close to it hahaahah 

and BTW !!!! im drujnk right now

vince and i broke up and he stole $400 from me then tried to get me fired from my job :) an he almost succeeded :) and he punched a hole in my door and threw my silverwera on the ground :)

yet i still fucking speak to him !!!!

and i had a really great trip on shrooms last week teaching me what the fcu ki deserve and whats right and of course i havnet acted

all i want is me

all i wanna take care of is me

mental illness is eating me alive i dont eat i dont sleep im exhausted and sitll fat

i hate my body hahhaahhahaa

and worst worst worst of all

i am fucking in love and it is debilitating 

i am fucking in love and it is pathetic 

i am fuckign in love and it is unreciprocated 

i am fuccking in love and it is eating me alive

i am fucking in love and it is painful

i am fuckign in love and its not allowed

i am fcucking in love and i am compromising myself because of it

i am fukign in love and hueting 

i am fucking in love and wasting my time

i am fucking in love and i dont want to be

and last but never the least

all i fuckign want is to kill myslef haahhahahah

#personal

[unspokenx]

The Second Time

Two years ago. I was 16. Two years ago, 2015, spring break. I was having the time of my life. Hanging out with friends and family, going to the beach, going to parties, everything a normal teenager would be doing on their spring break. One night, a really good friend of mine, Owen, called me and asked me to hangout. Since we were friends I said sure. He asked me if I wanted to smoke with him, so I also agreed to that.

Background on me and Owen’s friendship. We met when we were in 7th grade. We were about 13. We talked for a bit and then we started dating. We were young and didn’t really know what we were doing, so we decided to just stick to being friends. Since then, we were the best of friends. He was the one I went to when I needed somebody to talk to. He was the one I went to when I was bored and wanted to hangout. He knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him. We were best friends. A year or so later, we were in 8th grade at this time, I went over to his house and we hooked up. We made out, but that was all. After that he told me he had feelings for me and all this stuff, but I couldn’t date him. We were best friends and that was all. In 9th grade, we had a small falling out because he had a girlfriend and she did not like me very much. One night after not talking for a few months, he texted me. He told me that I was his first love and that he will never stop loving me. We were so young at the time, only 15, so I didn’t really know if that was true. Did he really love me? How did he know he loved me?

Back to the night he texted me. At this point in time, we had started talking again. His girlfriend was ok with us hanging out, and was understanding of our freidnship. So he called me to hangout and I said yes. Since we wanted to smoke, he had to go get his bong from her house. So we went and picked it up. We chose to go to some neighborhood park and smoke on the basketball courts. So we sat down and smoked. I had never smoked out of a bong before so I was a little nervous, but he helped me out. He would light it and fill the chamber and then I would clear it. I had smoked before, but never out of a bong I didn’t realize that a bong would affect me more than smoking out of a bowl. So we smoked for a little bit, and I stopped, but he told me to keep smoking the rest of it since he had to drive. There were only a few more hits left so I did. After I smoked the rest of it, we decided to leave the park since it was late and we didn’t want to get caught. The second I stood up, I knew I was far past fucked up. I felt funny and could barely think. I told him I wasn’t feeling well and he said I was just stoned. I can never explain how I really felt that night. I felt like I was in layers. There was an outer layer, it was outside my physical body. It was irrational. It thought everything was wrong and bad. Then there was the inner layer, which was my physical body. I was rational and knew I was just high and everything was ok. For example, my outer “layer” thought Owen was very high and couldn’t even drive and I was freaking out but my inner “layer” knew he didn’t smoke very much and was fine to drive.

I got into this trance where I couldn’t really do anything. I couldn’t move, talk, anything. All I could do was look at one spot and stare. Owen would talk to me and I couldn’t do anything. I could hear him, but couldn’t respond. I couldn’t even look away from the one spot I was staring at. My heart was beating so fast I was so scared something bad was going to happen to me. I was so scared that I even thought about going home and telling my mom I wasn’t ok. Owen took me to get food and tried to get me to eat something so I could feel better, but I couldn’t even eat. I looked at the french fries and just laughed because I called myself a baked potato. Then I snapped out of the trance. He asked what I wanted to do and I asked if we could go back to my neighborhood and hangout there. So we went and parked in the round-about and just sat there. I called my best friend, Katie, and wanted to ask her if she could come pick me up. I would have felt a lot better if i was with her. So I called her, but she was with our group of friends, and didn’t even give me the time of day. She answered and immediately said she couldn’t talk because she was busy. I hung up the phone and started crying. I was still so high, scared, and my best friend didn’t even care about me. I tried to get out of the car and walk around, but I was so dizzy I couldn’t even walk straight. Owen told me to get back in the car. We sat there together for about five minutes. He had music on and I just relaxed. I got sucked back into one of my trances, and again found myself paralyzed and stuck. He started getting a bit closer to me. He was touching my shoulder telling me I was ok and such. I thought it was just a nice gesture since I was freaking out, but then he started feeling me up. I remember my inner layer freaking out and wanting to move and do something, but my outer layer was calling the shots all night and thought it would be a good time to freeze completely. My fight or flight instincts were turned off. He started touching me and kissing me. I still couldn’t say anything or stop him. My whole body was frozen and there was nothing I could do about it. He started unzipping his pants and forced my head down. I could feel myself starting to cry. I was finally able to get out one word, “stop” but he kept going. After about five minutes, I finally broke out of my trance and was able to push myself away from him. I started crying even more. I couldn’t believe what had happened. I asked him to take me home at that second. He didn’t even say sorry or anything. He didn’t think he did anything wrong. He took me home and told me to text him when I got in.

After I got inside my house, I went to my room and cried. Did that really happen? I couldn’t stop thinking. My mind was racing. I didn’t text him for obvious reasons, but he texted me. He acted like nothing was wrong, but could tell I was upset. He started apologizing to me and saying he thought I wanted it. He blamed it on me. Could you imagine being taken advantage of and then having all the blame being put on you…it fucking sucks. In the end, he told me the weed was laced and that he did not regret what happened. My best friend who loved me, took advantage of me and did not even feel bad one bit.

It ruined me. He ruined me. Ever since that day, I was never the same. I promised myself I would never let another guy that close to me. I promised myself to never really rely on friends becuase when you need them the most, they aren’t there for you. Ever since that day, my anxiety has been through the roof. I think about being raped more and more as the days pass. One time, it wasn’t my fault. Two times? What am I doing wrong? Am I asking for it? I don’t know. I am constantly locking doors. As soon as I get into a car, I make sure the door is locked. I don’t wait for the person driving to lock it, I just do it myslef. I can’t walk at night without looking behind me 300 times per minute. I live my life in fear of it happening again. I did not expect it to be somebody who meant so much to me and was so close to me.

I hate admitting it, but he changed me. I never want to give somebody the satisfaction of having that great of an impact on my life, even if it was negative. I hit an all time low. I became depressed again. I wasn’t myself. I stopped being happy. I am not the same Gabby anymore. I don’t know where she went, but I really fucking miss her. She use to be such a fun and loving person to be around. But now, I isolate myself from everybody, and never get too attached to anything. I don’t know how to be the person I use to be…and that really scares me.

-part 2/3: a story about how I lost my best friend, my trust in people, and myself

#personal #self help #my story

[galaxygyaru]

"I like furry pron" Shirt joke

Just one of my random thoughts (at 3 AM) that I have at night and I now want a "l love furry pron" shirt XD, oh silly me.. I'm done with myslef.. why am I liek this?? (spelling wrong done on purpose 😂)

YOU THINK I'M joking?? I would LEGIT wear this shirt out with my new alt clothes, bet!!

fite me bruh ผ(•̀_•́ผ) =￣ω￣= U•ェ•*U

btw, I also go camo when I go to sleep at night cuz it's just more comfy and I have temperature problems at night, so it alleviates that painnn

I've just been in the mood to draw random stuff that I do or think about in my daily life lately, like I'm just such a random person and I'm really all over the place with my art. I really just can because I LITERALLY have so much on my mind that I want to draw and get to show folks more about me and messages through my art... with being random being one of those things

and idk how to do it to really get others to see and feel things through my art... UNLESS I'm doing that right now without knowing?!

...

I wonder if you guys have these thoughts too or what's your take on it?

This art and more are on my Patreon!

#black artist #art #digital art #digital drawing #digital artist #sketch #anime #artists on tumblr #oc #artwork #illustration #bunny #tanuki #bunnuki #furry #sfw furry art #sfw furry #memes #anime memes #furry oc #anthro furry #furry anthro #furry character #furry community #furry fandom #furry art #furry artist #anthro #furry artwork #furry drawing

[tinkonka]

sometimes you just have to make the content yourself. give me hcs!

oh i love you SOMUCH /p 

here r some noelashe headcanons because yes i hav 2 make them myslef.  and yes most of these r just self-indulgent and wanting my boys 2 b happy

these take place in an au where noel manages to get out the mansion, and the gang all live 2gether (i’ll come up w a better reason later)

- a lot of late night talks. neither of them feel safe sleeping alone, so they sleep in the same bed, and just talk. vent, cry, and they always end up falling asleep in eachothers arms, sometimes tearful, sometimes satisfied

- ashe has elected himself teacher and always gets noel up early to get him to make stuff with him. ashe often doesn’t like cooking with other people, but he’s still recovering from his head injury, so he likes the assistance.

- ashe can’t concentrate on words very well (because of aforementioned head injury) so noel will read to him. wilardo will sit by as well doing his own thing because sometimes noel will come across a word he doesnt really know

- ashe finds himself being very protective of noel in public. noel gets distracted quite easily, so ashe has to like drop what he’s doing and try and find him after noel has decided to chase a stray cat

- they’re so good with eachothers boundaries like hello? sometimes noel slips up but they’re always so patient with eachother

- to get some fresh air they’ll both walk in the park together and spot some cute dogs/cats to pet

- noel has a habit of waking up and going up to ashe and hugging him from behind sleepily n mumbling a ‘good morning’. and it flusters ashe every single time

- noel gets flustered too at like kisses n random compliments if ashe tries to subtly flirt noel is oblivious and will get confused

- noel acts as the bodyguard for whenevr ashe unintentionally gets sirius angry @ him bc noel is tall and sirius has a soft spot for noel

i’d say more but uh i cannot tihnk of any at this given moment it is 1 am and i am a bit of a mess but thank you for asking i love u dearly /p

#witch's heart #noelashe

[remainedscilent]

2:41am

As you can tell by my title it 2:41am and my daily thoughts are still dragging through the night. But, I feel that if I write it out it could help some what opposed to keeping it all in. So I have written about Kyle before and it was pretty much towards all the things I regret not speaking up about. Well here’s a part 2.

Kyle,

You have inspired me to grow as an individual. You are a huge reason to why I’m still going and am who I am today. High school has given us a bond that I never want to forget or loose. You have dealt with so much with me and have always told me when I’m doing wrong. When I say this friendship is the purest I’ve ever had I mean that. You are just such a caring person. I love everything about it. You and me have been best friends for about 4 or 5 years now. We have encountered almost everything together already and I will openly say I’m in love with you pretty much. Your heart is so whole, your style is so cute along with you. You pretty much are the person I’ve been wanting to be with but timing is always shitty. But I will tell you this that I am determined to wait. Normally I wouldn’t say that I would wait on someone but, you are worth it. You’re everything I want in a person. Not to mention I’ve enever felt truly loved by anyone and I feel like you can show me what that feels like. I don’t know much of what goes on in my head but lately, you are all I think about. I just want to be with you doing anything and everything. It’s so weird that I want to attach myslef so much to you. I know you won’t hurt me I know we will work with eachother. I just can’t get over you. Were made to work but the huge question is when will we. You are my soulmate, I love you Kyle. Forever & Always

[racealle]

Til We Meet Again

It was my special day... with my special someone... my friends and family are all here... smiling happilly for me...     I've been dreaming of this day... walking down the aisle...  a bouquet of flowers in my hand... looking at the man waitng for me in the altar...   He was my best friend... She was my best friend... He was my savior... She was my partner...   Its the song I made just from him... singing it right now feels surreal..   I asked her to sing... Hoping it to be the first but not the last.. -------- Time Check : 2:02pm My head perk up with the sound of the door opening hoping to see the person i was supposed to meet.  We were supposed to meet at 1:00pm, today is Saturday, its not even traffic... Where the hell is he?    *looks at the reader* Oh Hi! I was waiting for someone, which happens to be late AGAIN. *reader: ahem who are you??* Ooppss sorry I kinda forgot to introduce myself :) Hi! *waves* my name is Catherine, 23 years old. Occupation: freelance model, instrumentalist, singer, and teacher :) Yip! that's me :) No Boyfriend SInce Birth... I'm still young and... boys kinda makes my head hurts, like this one im waiting rignt now.. so in the relationship aspect.. i think im good. :) thanks but no thanks.  hmm but you know what, I've been inlove like seriously inlove.. its the same man from fifteen years ago... the same boy who became my savior.... "Kitty!" a man's voice can be heard in the entire cafe.  Oh man! how embarassing! It's him, the guy I am talking about. Meet Steven, my prankster of a friend, a lunatic but my most trusted friend. :)   It quite funny to remember how we met 15 years ago...   Flashback *15 years ago* I was in my 3rd grade in Elementary, I used to be a chubby little girl, the same reason why most of my classmates often picked me to be bullied. One day, I was happily muching on my big candy while walking down the streets to school. I heard someone calling my name.   "kitty kitty little kitty hahahaha!  I looked back and saw my bullies. Way to go aiming to have a very nice day.    "What do you want Mark? I asked them grumpily.  "Give us you food, you pig!" They shouted at me. "I dont want to, Its mine. Why don't you tell your parents to prepare something for you?" *Smirking* "You don't want too? Hold her guys, let's get her lunch box! "No! Please stop! I shouted back, but to  no avail, they're still trying to get my lunch then I started crying.  "STOP what you're doing! Mr. Officer arrest them! The kids ran as fast as they could while i was left crying on my own. I didn't notice the person standing in front of me. "Stop crying now, here take this its smaller than the one you had earlier but its delicious, its actually my favorite"   I looked up at the person speaking, there I saw a boy smiling while peeling of a candy.  He hand it over to me and said "Here try this, its really good." When he noticed me staring at the candy in my hand, he nudge me and said. "Eat up!"  "Thank you." I started tasting the candy he gave me. "Hmm.. its good indeed." I said to him.  "See?! I told you so.. my name is Steven, starting today, we're friends, okay?" Don't worry those kids wont bother you anymore, I will protect you, promise!  "Okay! We're friends! Thank you once again! Starting that day, I found myself a friend, my most precious friend. :)     Present Day That's how we started our friendship and until now, we're still together.  "Kitty!"  "Speaking of the devil, here comes the trouble maker." "Kitty Friend!" He shouted again. "Argh! Do you enjoy shouting my name that much? Now the entire cafe knows my name." I said playfully.  *dear readers, meet my friend and long time lovelife (he doesn't know thay btw) Steven Salazar.*  "I missed you Kitty my friend!" he said while hugging me tightly.  ("Damn this man, dont be like that man, I've been trying to hold myself back from kissing you moron!"  silently grumbling myself.) "kitty, do you have a fever, your face kind red. What happened, I can hear your heartbeat and its really fast."  ("Really damn this guy, does he want me dead? Arghh and you my dear heart, you want to come out of my chest? arghh!!! Calm down!") "I'm fine, Im just startled because of you, you moron! We've seen each other last week, You called me as if we haven't each other in ages. hahaha" (He finally broke the hug and went to sit in front of me. He's still smiling widely while doing that flower pose, he's cheeks becoming more evident, he's looking so cute. I think I falling too hard again. Dont be like that.) (I stopped myself from writing and carefully removed my eyeglasses *clears my throat*)  "What happened to you? You seemed so happy. Did you win in the lottery?" Yah! share with me your prize! You let me wait here for an hour, I deserve a share of your winning!" (As if he didn't heard me, he's still smiling like an idiot he is.) *hitting him at the back of his neck* "Uy! You look like a a creep! What's with you? Are you in heaven?" "Ouch! That hurts Cath! and Yes, I'm in heaven and I've seen an angel."  "Wow, you're crazy." I went back to what I am doing. "Catherine" (I was surprised when he called me by my full name, he rarely use my fullname unless he will tell me something important. I put aside my files and looked at him properly this time) "Why?"  "I want you to meet someone." "If its another guys you want to set me up with, No thanks. You know what will I say." I said while rolling my eyes at him. "Idiot!, When will you have a boyfriend then? Anyway, Its not a guy. Its an angel. My angel."  "Angel? Who..."  (I wasn't able to finish what I am about to say when i notice a woman approached our table) "My dear friend, Kitty Cat, meet my Lisa, my GIRLFRIEND. Lisa this is Catherine, my BEST FRIEND." ------------------------------- (I was left speechless... Girlfriend, he said GIRLFRIEND) *waves in front of my face* "Hey dude, are you alright?" "Oh, girlfriend? Wow you had a girlfriend? I didn't know and i thought we're bestfriends?" (I told him jokingly but damn my heart feels like it dying.) "Yes, buddy, we've been together for quite long already but we need to keep it a secret because of her family, but now we're telling everyone about us. and I want you to be the first one to know." He said while still smiling happily holding his girlfriend beside him." "It's nice to finally meet you Cath, Steven has been telling me a lot of stories about you." (I looked at the girl while smiling, I hope they wouldn't notice how I truly feel. You're strong Cath, You can do this" "Its nice to meet you, Lisa. You're really beautiful. What kind of stories does this idiot told you? Come and sit with us." (I smiled and reached her for a hug. She was really beautiful and kind, I'm glad my idiot of a friend found her. It's nice to see them smiling at eacch other lovingly, but why do i feel like this? Damn, my aches while looking at them. tsk I've been cursing in my head too many times today.) (I reminded myslef of my role in this situation. I am the guy's bestfriend. I need to be happy for them. Forget your pain. I am nothing but the GUY"S BESTFRIEND.) (The couple informed both of their families of their relationship, they we're really surprised :) some of Steven's family said that they thought the two of us would be together because we were always together since 3rd grade. They didn't know tho how i feel tho...) --------------------------------- A month had passed, I'm stil the guy's best friend. but unlike before, now we rarely get to meet often. Well in my defense, I've been really busy, an offer from a Fashion Company sent me a letter for the France fashion event. I was reluctant to accept the offer at first, but after sometime, i realized maybe God is giving me this blessing to help me as well to forget and move on. Its a 1 year contract, maybe by the time I came back I already have a boyfriend to introduce to my family. Just maybe. :) That's why I've been really busy too.  I purposely didn't inform my family and my friends, specially Steven about my plans. I flew to France without informing everybody.  ______________________________________ Welcome to France!!! When I landed I called my family of what happened to not worry them so much. They were very mad at first. But i explained to them my purpose and supported me. During the 1st month, Steven and I were constantly updating each other through chats. He even told me, "Why did you have to leave like that? I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye. You're cruel, you know that? When you get back i want to have my presents. got that Kitty?"  But then after sometime, we lost contact with each other, I've been busy maybe he is too. After our rehearsals, I always go straight to my laptop to see if he sent me a message but nothing. Instead of message, what i saw in my TL are photos of hin and Lisa, they look so happy. I didn't notice how my eyes are filled with tears, tears rolling down on my cheeks while looking at those beutiful photos of Lisa and Steven.  It continued for the rest of my stay in France. I just glad that we are busy with the Fashion Shows. When I got home, I continued torturing myself, browsing my TL then I saw this qoute. "I'd rather live the consequences of the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done." It was like a wake up call for me. I'd rather suffer on my own than destroying my friends' relationship. I don't want to be selfish and beside they are happy. He is happy. I don't want himt o loose his happiness. That night, I cried myself to sleep, I didn't notice the creaking of my door. I felt a weight on my bed and someone hugging me. It was my friend Rose. I cried harder this time.  "Cath, its better to tell him, he might be with someone right now but atleast it will help to be free from what you are feeling. If you don't you might end up regretting not figthing for your love. We'll be in the Philippines by next week, grab the chance and confess your feelings to him. If he won't accept you so be it, atleast you let out what you truly feel." That night longer sobs and tears were my answer...  --------------------------------------------------------- Philippine Airport... *rings* "Mom, We just landed here in Ph, don't bother fethcing me anymore, Papa might be tired already, I just go home on my own. and its already late. Don't wait for me okay?" (When I arrived in front of our house, I stopped for a while and look at the surroundings, its still the same, my home.) I quitely opened the house, lol i still found the spare key under the rag, better tell Papa to hide it somewhere else.  "WELCOME HOME CATH!"  I was startled by their loud cheers, i thought everyone is asleep already. but here they are, my family, my friends and the most precious person in my live right now... STEVEN. I was enveloped in a tight hug by my family. Then someone took me in his arms and hugged my tightly.   "I missed you a lot, my best friend? how have you been?  (I allowed myself to melt in his hug, this will be the last time i promised to my self,) "I'm fine Steven, France has been good to me for the past year, I missed you too" I replied and hug him even tighter. "How is Lisa by the way?"  (There i saw the glint in his eyes again, the same time i heard my heart shuttering into million pieces once again. He smiled widely) "Let's meet tomorrow, same time, same place. I will tell you something important."  "Oh Sure, I need to tell you something too. See you tommorow then?" "Yes, my friend, you need to rest now. its a long flight. We'll see each other tommorrow okay?"  (He hugged me again my kissed my forehead." "Goodnight." (Yeah tommorrow, I'll tell you...  I LOVE YOU.)       ------------------------

[sakurakitsune95]

Things i ask / tell myslef late at night.

Why was i ever born ?

What the hell did i ever do that was so wrong to be treated like this ?

I'm a stupid ugly fat bitch.

God i hate myself ?

Why do i hate myself ? ..... oh that's why.

Why dose he treat me like shit ?

Why do i put up with his bull shit ?

Which planets are in retrograde atm ?

I feel to empty.

Notjing i do is enough.

Why do i even try when all fails anyways ?

What was i so post to learn from this exspriance ?

Maybe i am bipolar or something.

Damn am i really that helpless ?

Ugh another nightmare.... why can't i ever have a good dream ?

Where do i want to be in the next 2 years ?

Whats wrong with me ?

I wish somebody was here to cuddle.

Fat, ugly, cunt, bitch.

Spoiled bitch you dont diserve this.

He says he loves you but you still feel empty.

Why dose he love me ?

Whats so special about me ? Im nothing important.

Why am i clingy ?

Lol daddy issues at the core.

Why dose he like to get me worked up.

What time is it ?..... oh its already going on 4am lmao no sleep for me.

What should i eat tomorrow? ....( later that day): nothing.

I feel like im wasting away.....

Im gonna stay in bed... (gets up and starts to move )

I got shit that needs to be done.... (stays in bed for 3 hours passes out for 1 hour)

Maybe i should do sothing productive ... (draws for 30min them srops and throws it away.... )

I'll never be good enough.

#talking to myself #depressed #why ?

[consideratesmokers-blog]

Seasonal Depression! 

Today we got to wake up an hour later, which means I wake up at the same time as usual and sit in silence until Sofiya wakes up late. This morning though was beautiful, a warm ray of sun cast through the window. Warm in the way that it was golden, calming. 8:12am I rolled off the floor to my bare feet and walked slowly down the flight of stairs, taking two lefts, and finally reaching the men’s bathroom. I shaved off the stupid little hairs that come in scraggly on my cheeks, brushed my teeth for what felt like forever, and then walked on the wet floor to the small showers. One was occupied and all the rest had accumulated water on the floors around them so carefully I swung my towel over the door and my underwear trying to soak them in the secondhand water. My towel hit the floor, shit. Damp and cold. I showered, dried off, and then proceeded to wake Sofiya up. She wouldn’t budge as much as I yelled, and all while I thought about our conversation late last night when she told me “oh, I can wake up if I need to”. Clearly not. Not to waste any time I got dressed, folded Sofiya’s blanket, and finally she rolled out of bed and showered.

Off we went to Foundations. It wasn’t so bad as it was just group discussion about Amelie and then looking at different artists. I am slowly becoming interested more in Brancussi and Duchamp as they entered Surealism, and although the usage of found objects was the primary source of form I still feel as if “truth to material” and “radiant reality” applied as each object had an intent, a meaning, an aura. Anyways I thought about this a lot today, and now I have some homework focused on creating a daily practice which in some way examines daily life. I have so many ideas and all of them do harm to myself. Classic. I want to deprive myself of food, or of light, or of connection to the world. I want to be in complete isolation, or to see how much pain I can handle. I want to see my body be destroyed. I want to destroy the person I am, and I want to go insane. But clearly I can’t tell my professors that. So maybe I will follow down some more basic paths; I think I will start as daily self portrait in which I draw over each day, expressing a building of the ‘identity’. The worry though that the form of myself will be heavily influenced by the day before, and I wonder if I want to start with a blank sheet or which a picture of myslef. If it is informed by my previous attempt to capture myself is that wrong? Is it not truthful that each version of myself is based on past images and experiences. If I do start with a blank canvas what is that saying about humanity. Do we start as a blank slate? And is predertimination a factor, as if we have the choices to be who we want, but we are already set in stone. Whereas if I start with a picture of myself what does that say about societal values, can I capture my aura in an imprint. What does it matter though, as these are not questions with definative answers, just questions that should be thought about. 

My mind is still in a funk, and as much as I joke about it being seasonal depression, I think things are getting progressively worse. I am not afraid of the sadness, as there is comfort in it, but I am afraid of the anger. I am afraid that at my core I am not a good person, or at least not the person I want to be.

 Nothing I can’t handle. Nothing I can’t handle. Nothing I can’t handle.  

#sam

[ispeakintripleentendres]

03:10 17/12/2017

Another muse inspired late night blog post. after binge watching Gossip Girl.... a show that i started watching almost 10 years ago... just the very thought of how long ago that was is scary- by comparing the person i am now and the person i used to be, the contrast, in terms of life experience.... GG used to be pre-O. now it's post-C.... Watching it brings back SO MANY memories of the person i was at 18-20... when i was so excited about everything, living life, learning new things, trying new experiences, pushing my limits, being different things.... And now, i've done my fair share of all of it, i've lived more than a little, i've learned more new things than i can remember anymore, i've had more new expetiences than i can count, i've pushed limits so many times that it has become my new norm, i've been all the things i've wanted to be that i almost inevitably find myself coming back full circle. That makes me wonder, is it something that happened naturally, following the path that i did, or was it something that i wanted to let/make happen subconciously? I'm going to see it as a self-introspective checkpoint, because i wouldn't have wanted to risk hindering my progression with a spell of regression, yet analysis of the past is undoubtedly beneficial to future development. what this is about is how GG has triggered all the emotions and memories of the person i was when i wa watching it, and how confused, almost lost i was at the time, but resilient in never giving up. It was a time of new experiences, university, independance, choices, friends, the expansion of my circles, my world.... and now i find myself entertaining thoughts of doing the exact opposite, probably becauase i finally find myself comfortable enough to consider actually establishing a comfort zone, a concept that i had givern up on at 16, after the fourth time we uprooted, moving back from Kuantan to KL, in my last year of secondary school, where i had no time to fit in before i had to end my lower education years. And then university hit, and i had to go in feeling unsupported, misplaced, even though ironically that was a chance for a fresh start. And I did get the university experience- new friends, new subjects, new rebellions, first love. And i was watching GG to help me get through the rougher bits. and i loved it back then so passionately... [just got side tracked looking for my old blog and ended up reading a few other blogs leading from CK's to SL, LY and LM's...] So that was a huge blast from the past letting me see how many people from back in the day are still pretty much stuck in their same patterens... that's rather disheartening, i had hoped that i would be more smug about it but i guess there's no value in that. That actually is a very good metaphbor for what i've been thinking about. how even though my choices in life have never been the triesd and tested ones, and even though i feel like i am going with some version of "the flow"... i'm still making some important directional changes of my own accord and setting unique standards for myself, that would challenge me, instead of using the same (small) scales people i would have once loved to be associated with, do. all my fears from when i was younger, about becoming insignificant, not just in society, but more importantly, to myslef, have not come true at all, even though i thought that it would happen no matter what i did. I may be more insignificant in society in more ways now, but i love that i can now say that i have lived in foreign countries, almost completely on by my own means, that i have reached the first peak in an industry, that i have changed peoples lives, that new people (whom i otherwise could not have helped) have benefitted in some way in knowing me, that i have been involved in more thatn one aspect of life, of work, of multiple teams. And to think that when i was younger i only imagined.... the worst. I hate to admit it but damn i think C might be right... is there some non-selfish reason to bear offspring? Even still, to me, nothing will ever outweigh the negatives in life. I'm trying to give some specific examples of preconceptions i held at the time i was watching GG to illustrate how much of a contrast i am now to who i used to be, but i'm not recalling a single specific thing... was i unsure? confused? scared? none of those things sound like me, and i wouldn't be here had i let those things get a foothold in my life... so am i trying to say that i am now braver than ever? maybe not recalling it at all says it the most of all. i feel like this is where i should end, and where i should end on a positive note. and i really want to insert a bit of reality here, usually a contrasting point to the tone of the post, just to provide a better perspective... but i do not want to fall into old habits that i think i am better off without. and this is good practice going forward (it might even be who i am now!)... so i'm going to say that C is right, and that's what proves that he is good for me and right for me and how he, of all people, is worth trusting to be my guiding light in life for when i fall short. (why am i justifying him, my choice, my life? or do i just want to remember what miught be a fleeting sense of validation? of success in one aspect of my life? a very essentially key aspect? because it is an aspect i place much value in? probably, that makes sense) That life does work out (well, for me at least, so far, also, i've been trying, it's not that things have fallen into my lap (not more than others, at any rate, dry chuckle), i've not given up even when i've felt like doing so... and maybe there's value in that... Also, do i have a pro-biased version of Europe, one which i should not be having? Maybe, but only because it's sound in so many ways. ah yes, a lack of friends, that's always been a major thing to me... but ever since C, i've been getting over that. Although i don't know if that's necessarily a good thing in the long run (complacency and crazy cat ladies and all that haha). SL has an old picture of us at one of my parties i took up on her wall, that's sweet, and weirdly reassuring that my time spent in building relationships in the past have not gone to wate, haha! And now that i've seen a bit morte of the human race, i'm starting to realise that i'm a good grade of friend types, and not many people have that, and it's something they want... and that almost ensures that i'll always be able to make new friends and keep the good ones.... and that also makes me appreciate more the good ones i have, because i also realise that they could also walk away, or change, or turn me away if they wanted to. and that i want to continue building quality relationships. and that although i fear being the arrogant person who turns down friends because i can, i have not done it, am not doing it (at least not without a good reason, these days), and might keep not doing it in the future (or at least not more than i might be doing now! haha) yes, that's it. friendships. relationships. the human connection. the societal bond. drifting into oblivion... these are very common existential issues people are dealing with in this day and age. so i guess i am too one of the masses, in a way... which, as someone who has spent the majority of her life feeling as if she was on the sidelines of, is something i am really grateful about. although ironically i might not be an innocent victim of being on the sidelines, i'm pretty sure that some choices i make put me there... is it really my fault that i process so much information so differently (read: logically)? 04:45 17/12/2017 crawling into bed now