#we should be allowed to be hangry assholes in games

[confrontingbabble-on]

The bible writers created the same dubious, inconsistent, incoherent, irrational, ignorant, carnal, bloodthirsty crazy-ass mofo god...as their rulers were...

“...the Bible is chock-full of examples of God just messing with people, apparently for shits and giggles. For example ...

#6. God Goes Fear Factor On Ezekiel...

The Book of Ezekiel is about a conversation between God and the priest Ezekiel, mostly about why God is going to destroy Jerusalem (spoiler: because they're a bunch of assholes). Ezekiel is supposed to go to the city and tell them about it, but God doesn't really expect them to listen (remember: assholes).

To make things fun, there's a catch: Ezekiel can't just tell them God's plan. Instead, he takes away Ezekiel's ability to speak, and then forces him to communicate the message through an elaborate game of charades. See? Fuckin' with us.

First, God gives Ezekiel a scroll and tells him to eat it.

OK, that's not the weirdest thing God has ever told someone to do. Plus it tastes like honey. So far, so good. Then God tells Zeke to construct a little scale model of Jerusalem out of clay, and stomp the crap out of it like a bully wrecking a sand castle. This is, we guess, the less subtle part of the prophecy.

Then God just wants to see how far he will go. He tells Ezekiel to lie down on his left side and stay there for 390 days. Then he's allowed to roll over -- presumably with one hell of a cramp and a bad case of bed sores -- but he has to lie on his right side for another 40 days, pointing at the squashed remains of the Jerusalem model the whole time so that people really get the message.

God, snickering, just cannot believe he's doing all this, so he really ups the game: The entire time, Ezekiel is allowed to eat nothing but bread that he cooked on a bonfire of human poop. This is the part of the prank show where most victims would start looking around for hidden cameras, but not Ezekiel. He just stoically bargains God down to cow poop instead and mistakenly calls it a victory.

#5. God Thinks It's Hilarious When You Eat Your Kids...

At various points, the Bible dictates that children who disobey their parents should be executed, while those who mock their parents should merely get their eyes plucked out. At one point, kids who laugh at a prophet for being bald get eaten by bears. Oh, that doesn't mean God really, really wants children to be good. He just hates kids. And you, for having kids. In fact, fuck you buddy, eat your kids.

Seriously, God makes that threat a lot. In Leviticus, he warns the people of Israel that if they fail to obey his laws, he will strike them down with famine and disease until "You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters." In Deuteronomy, he does it again, but expands the threat to assure his people that they won't be allowed to eat their nephews instead: "Even the most gentle and sensitive man among you will have no compassion on his own brother or the wife he loves or his surviving children, and he will not give to one of them any of the flesh of his children that he is eating."

In the Book of Jeremiah, God warns the Israelites to cut out all the false idol worship, and if they don't, they're going to lead an unfulfilling spiritual life. Oh wait, no -- eat your kids. And after they're done, he'll make them eat their friends too.

The threat even turns up in Ezekiel, as part of the prophet's rant against Jerusalem. Here, God promises that not only will fathers be forced to eat their children, but the children will also eat their fathers. We don't even know how that's supposed to work, or in what order. Like a ... a sort of Ouroboros human centipede thing? That's messed up, God.

#4. God Hits The Purge Button On Aaron's Sons...

Moses' brother Aaron had two sons, Nadab and Abihu. They appear only briefly in Leviticus, when Moses is showing the priests how to priest properly. Following the rules prescribed by God, Aaron slaughters some animals, cuts off the bits he's supposed to cut off, lays the offerings down on the altar in the correct way, lights up some incense, and waits. God approves of the ritual and makes a big light show to tell Aaron that he did well, and all the priests celebrate a job well done.

Next, Nadab and Abihu do the exact same thing. Only this time, God instantly incinerates the brothers in a furious hellstorm right in front of their horrified father.

Now, there's been a lot of debate among scholars about what exactly Nadab and Abihu did wrong. Some have suggested that they used the wrong incense ("Is that the pine bullshit? Nobody likes that pine bullshit!"), while others think they may have lit the fire wrong. Either way, Moses puts his arm around Aaron and basically tells him, "Yeah, your kids explode sometimes. C'est la vie!"

Aaron's surviving children and nephews then have to bury the dead brothers, but Moses warns them to be doubly careful, because if they make God any angrier by complaining or even not combing their hair properly, he'll probably kill everyone in Israel. Why? Well, you've guided all your Sims to the pool and then removed the ladder. You know why.

#3. God Has Ten Plagues, And He Is Going To Use TEN Plagues...

Exodus: Moses wants to free the Israelites from Egypt, but the Pharaoh won't let them go, so God sends ten horrible plagues against the Egyptians to show them who's boss. After each plague, the Pharaoh remains stubborn, so God has to step it up a notch, over and over again, until he's finally just straight-up killing babies.

The Pharaoh and the Egyptians are obviously the bad guys here and deserve everything that's coming to them -- unless you consider that, according to the Bible itself, the Pharaoh did not restrain the Israelites by his own free will. Every time God threw frogs or locusts or bees at him (bees were one of the plagues, right?) the Pharaoh considers letting the Israelites go, but God forces him to change his mind.

After each passage that describes one of the plagues, the Bible says, "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart." God is playing both sides of this conflict. Even after Pharaoh finally releases the people and sends them out toward the Red Sea, God makes him change his mind again and send his army out to pursue them to a watery grave. Though he's always painted as the villain, the Pharaoh didn't really have any say in the matter from the beginning.

Biblical scholars have argued about why God would directly intervene in the Pharaoh's free will to constantly force him to defy God's own wishes, and the best response that they can give is that God just wanted to prove his power to everyone. In short, he promised ten plagues, and dammit, he was going to give them ten plagues. It would have spoiled his fun if the Pharaoh gave up after, like, three.

#2. God Don't Want No Uglies...

The Book of Leviticus is a particularly uneventful part of the Old Testament. It's mostly just a bunch of rules about rituals, instructions for priests, and obscure moral laws that God pulled out of a hat. It's marginally more interesting than reading a law school textbook, if only because of the graphic violence.

But if you can read Leviticus without falling into a coma, you'll notice that God has some pretty high standards for who should be allowed to worship at his altar. There are the slightly more reasonable rules -- like God doesn't want any bald or beardless guys, and nobody who isn't married to a virgin. Absolutely no divorcees or widows, and absolutely no prostitutes. It's like a bizarrely specific dating profile; he stops just short of demanding you be both cut and vegan.

But then he goes on to order that nobody with any kind of "defect" may come to his altar either. What constitutes a "defect"? God has an extensive list that he's very pleased to read out.

It includes no blind people -- in fact, nobody with bad eyesight of any kind. So if you wear glasses or contacts, you're probably out. Nobody who has a crippled foot or hand, so that old college sports injury probably rules you out. If you have a "flat nose," you're out. If you have sores or scabs, you're out. Nobody with a bad back. Nobody with "damaged testicles." And for some reason, God makes it very clear: Absolutely no dwarfs.

These people are still welcome to praise God, of course (and by "welcome," he means "required," unless fiery death is on their bucket list) but they're not allowed to approach him with offerings. Because yea, the lord, he swipeth left on thee.

#1. Don't Ask God For Things When He's Hungover...

While Moses is leading his 600,000-strong congregation of Israelites out of Egypt to the Promised Land, they begin to complain that the Arabian Desert isn't exactly a Golden Corral Buffet. The only thing they have to eat is bread made out of coriander seeds, and they start begging for meat. Moses, who has a direct telephone line to God, can tell that he's getting mad, and tries to get everyone to calm down, but they got the hangries.

These people are still welcome to praise God, of course (and by "welcome," he means "required," unless fiery death is on their bucket list) but they're not allowed to approach him with offerings. Because yea, the lord, he swipeth left on thee.

Eventually, God speaks to Moses and tells him he's changed his mind -- he will give the Israelites some meat. In fact, and we're actually quoting God here , he's going to feed them meat "until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it."

The next day, the Israelites awaken to find their encampment two cubits (around 36 inches in non-Bible units) deep with wild quail for about a day's walk in either direction. There is an ocean of quail. They are stranded in it. The only option? Eat your way out. The Israelites spend two whole days and one night hunting quail before they sit down to the greatest quail feast in history. And afterward, they're struck down with the greatest salmonella outbreak in history.

God technically wasn't lying when he promised that the meat would later come out of their nostrils. That's the poetry of it. Try to imagine 600,000 people simultaneously power-spewing and suffering explosive diarrhea in one densely populated encampment, and you get the horrible idea.

The Bible quickly jump-cuts away from this story, mentioning only that they buried the dead in this place and named it "Kibroth Hattaavah," or "the Graves of Craving."

And God? He dropped the mic.”

http://www.cracked.com/article_24512_6-bible-stories-proving-god-basically-insane-prankster.html

Read also... http://www.cracked.com/article_20694_6-filthy-jokes-you-wont-believe-are-from-bible.html

And... http://www.cracked.com/article_20255_5-shocking-scenes-you-wont-believe-are-in-bible.html

#atheist #agnostic #secular humanist #skeptic #Religion #Christianity #religious insanity

[asuitcaseofmemories]

Bad Luck Happens in... 65s if You’re Me.

I’m going to tell you a little a story. To be frank, it’ll probably definitely be long because it’s a nightmare and nightmares are never short. Only this isn’t just a nightmare, this is a true story; my true story of traveling from NY to Hefei after my home leave.

The date was June 26th... or 27th, because when you’re time traveling, details like that get hazy. My lovely friend dropped me off at the tiny Elmira airport and I had no issues checking in. I did internally begin losing my shit when the couple next to me was asked if they’d be willing to give up their seats due to them overbooking the flight by two. *Cue the anxiety* .... I mean we’ve all seen the dragging video by now. Save me.

We boarded in Elmira on time, I skipped the coffee and went for the complimentary red wine, because HELP, and because wine. The flight was uneventful, which was great. My friend and I spent our layover walking around the terminal, which I was thankful for because I was still losing it a little... and also because of the wine. If you can’t tell my travel anxiety is through the roof bad.

Our flight was boarded (from Detroit to Shanghai) with no issues, and the attendants graciously were loading me up on champagne. We left on time, and more champagne and food arrived. Did I say more champagne? I tried to sleep but the turbulence was pretty bad the last part of the flight... so I only slept 2.5 hours. (Side note: being hangry and a lack of sleep are two states you don’t want to see me in). Apparently attendance make it their duty to get you drunk if you can’t sleep, which is something I agree with on a spiritual level.

Upon landing we were told that the gate we were supposed to use was “not available” so we had to wait a bit. They decided to have us exit the plane on the tarmac and take the shuttle to the building. Which was great except the down pouring rain pelting us in between the two. I looked like a worthless drunk soggy noodle. I should’ve taken that as an omen, but I didn’t.

We arrived at customs and it was a strange scene as there was a huge line for foreigners and virtually no locals (opposite of what I’ve previously experienced). So it took a bit longer than usual, but we had no hiccups going through. The custom worker was actually the nicest custom worker I’d ever met and I think we could actually be friends now.

We then picked up our luggage to recheck it. Our bags were the last off the plane, despite having Sky Priority (meaning ours should come off first)-No biggie. When we went to recheck our bags, all hell broke loose.

I was told by a frantic worker after she weighed my first bag (I had two), that I’m only allowed to take 20kg on the plane.... mind you combined my bags were 48kg. I asked several questions about what people do in that situation, why I’ve never had this happen on previous flights, why there wasn’t a disclaimer sent when booking the flight, etc. The worker was not answering any of my questions, or offering alternate solutions. I think she just doesn’t like drunk soggy noodles.

I think the Holy Spirit inhabited my body at this moment, because my patience was  non-existent at this point. After about 15 mins of “what am I going to do” ... and thinking of alternate solutions like staying in Shanghai and booking a train the next day to get home... throwing out a bag- fuck that... she FINALLY says that I can pay a fee. BITCH YOU START WITH THAT. Why you wasting my time fucking asshole bitch nice lady???

This bitch lady gave me a piece of paper that I was intended to show at another counter to pay my fee. She had no idea how much it was at DID NOT tell me how to get to this next person. She also took my boarding pass and said they’d print a new one. She said “Next” when I asked for clarification, ugh no you didn’t. Thankfully my friend who was having the same issue, but was given better directions on how to get there by the kind lady waiting on her.

We were told we had to go to the 3rd floor, so we followed domestic departure signs for awhile... awhile... until we literally came to a dead end. WTF.... so we backtracked to our original spot, and we saw this other way,, so we followed that, and got to the 2F but still couldn’t get to 3F. I’m not kidding all the escalators were barricaded closed.

Clearly being two blonde idiots, looking lost as shit, this young man who spoke English asked if we are looking for the 3F too... hallelujah, we say yes.... he had just asked too, so we followed him to this elevator (which we would’ve never found because it was hid like the entrance of Narnia). UGH, this airport is stupid.

Oh but that’s not all. We get to the 3rd floor, go to the counter we were directed to go to and they say, oh no, you have to go over thereeeee. So we go there and we pay. Thankfully they took Visa (FYI- they don’t take US credit cards ANYWHERE in China so this is a miracle), and I paid my fine of $67USD. We asked about the reprinted tickets and she told us “oh no, you have to go in THAT line over there....” I’m thinking we should be going in the Sky Priority line as that’s what we always use, but she insisted it was the long line *Cue internal screaming*. So we waited and waited for our turn and they told us oh nooooo you go to the Sky Priority line, they have your tickets. Well I’d had about enough of this nonsense, so I nicely talked to the sympathetic woman who printed our boarding passes there. Thank you sweet angel!

Oh, but the story is just getting started. We went through security and they were double checking our carry ons... okay. Well they took child scissors from my friend’s bag then sent us on our way. We FINALLY head to gate 201. I look at the sign and see something in red. OMG. They changed our Gate to 9.... even though they JUST printed our passes... okay. We hustled over to Gate 9. It said we were in the right place YES. We went for a bathroom break, returned and they’d changed it to Gate 3... no big deal it was close but that’s annoying as hell.

We went to Gate 3 where we waited for an eternity. It got to the departure time and it didn’t say delayed and I was thinking... “did we miss the announcement?“ So I asked and the worker stated we would now depart at 11:30pm (original time was 10:15pm). A few moments later they declared the flight was delayed and that “the boarding time would be announced later.”

Well at this time I began to panic as we were supposed to have a driver pick us up at the airport at 11:30pm and I didn’t have anyway to call him and say we would be late. I don’t have a working phone number (in China or US), so I also do not have service to message Corey and let him know. So I had to buy internet for an hour just to Facetime him to figure out the ride situation. He assured me the driver would wait, and I was glad he knew we would be late.

So I went to get water and literally this airport is shut down almost completely. I saw this guy looking at a vending machine confused and two chicks giggling at him as he walked away. Stupid me tried two times to get a drink out of that thing, and it ate my money. God damn it. We finally found a place open so I got some water dinner (2 chocolate bars if I’m going to be completely honest here) and tried to chill out. We get back to terminal 3 and WHAT they changed our gate AGAIN to 202. At this point I’m externally about to scream, as this nice Chinese man asked if we were also going to Hefei. We said yes. He told us that he asked what was going on and the plane we were taking wouldn’t be there until about 11:30pm... so at this point we knew it would be awhile, but at least we knew something!

We thanked him for the info and ventured our asses back to Gate 202 area, and finally about 12:15am they announced we were boarding. The whole gate let out a cheer. I’m pretty sure I yelled “FUCK YEAH”, but 6 one way a half dozen the other right? We boarded and no sooner do they said that they had no idea when we would be leaving but they’d “update soon.” Well, the are lying liar heads. In an hour they repeated the same announcement. Since they are lying liar heads, and I was exhausted of their lies, I briefly passed out. I awoke at 2am when they finally said we were leaving. YAHOO!

I tried to finally get shut eye... mind you we’ve traveled over a day so far and I’ve only slept 2.5 hours (1.5 according to fit bit). Well the turbulence was so bad they the attendant woke me up and made me put my seat up... So that was a no go.

We finally arrived in Hefei, and and played the baggage game all over again. Our poor driver had been waiting since 11:30pm (it’s now 3:30am)... and helped us pack our bags into the car. He’s the real MVP in this story.

We safely arrived at the hotel at 4:17am.... Where we ended our travel fun with a broken trolley to haul our luggage upstairs. The concierge asked me where I was coming from and I said NY, and he asked “Is that why you’re wearing slippers.” ... they were flip flops haha.

It is tough feeling out of control and having such a language barrier with those who know what’s happening. Looking back, this is all hilarious and truthfully just a string of bad luck and weather. I was thankful to have someone with me to laugh with and keep me sane. We also met a few people along the way who were kind when we needed it most.

I’ll keep these memories to look back on when I think I’m having a “bad day.” I’m thankful I won’t be making that journey for another 6 months. Needless to say I slept 13 hours straight when I got home. I DID NOT MOVE my position at all or wake up once.

#travel #nightmare #ha #funny #true #worldtraveler #travel blog #china #Hefei #chinaeastern #rude #nice #bad luck #laowai #flying #airport #problems