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trollprincess · 11 months

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Okay, SO. Some of you may recall when I gave this speech to the town council in March because our gay mayor intends to be a community center and made a point to say, “This will be an LGBTQ+ safe space,” and all the bigots here promptly *lost their shit*.

Anyway, I posted it to my personal TikTok and then promptly got distracted by work/life/stress/being broke/etc., and came back today to see if I have enough Professor videos to make a “Where the heck is Mahm?” video. Aaaaaand that’s when I spotted this:

Aside from the fact that this person did not listen to anything I said at all, or at least has the listening comprehension of a chair, I mostly just rolled my eyes, then went to my FB and wrote this. (Look, writing is my best weapon.)

Anyway, here:

“Okay, let’s try this again, because I know there are a WHOLE bunch of people with reading and listening comprehension so bad their teachers should be ashamed. (Not HERE, obviously, my FB is *heavily* curated.)

“This is a safe place for the queer community” does not mean it’s ONLY for the queer community. It just means you can’t show up and be a homophobic or transphobic dick.

“This is a safe place for the Black community” and “Black Lives Matter” is not ONLY about Black people. It’s about police violence (which affects everyone, even if the cops have always been nice to you) and racism (which affects everyone) and a whole bunch of other aspects of American daily life.

“This is a safe place for women” does not mean it’s ONLY for women. It’s for people who can manage to be mature and kind to others, and not be a sexist harassing douchebag.

Stop shoving “ONLY” into whichever statement you hear that YOU don’t like. It’s not fucking there. It never was. And if you’re hearing it, it’s because someone else telling you you can’t go somewhere unless you can behave like you’ve got some home training and won’t be an asshole makes you angry, because you were PLANNING to be an ass.

That’s YOU telling on yourself.

“But why do you have to SAY it?”

Why? Because THAT was your first reaction. Because when we feel grateful we know a place will be safe, you seem angry we get to have that security. Because if we knew we were safe, we wouldn’t have to acknowledge these things. But we do, because of sexual assaults and hate crimes and mass murders. Because of Ecole Polytechnique and Pulse nightclub and the Charleston church shooting. Because YOU may not need to hear it, but some of us stand in nightclubs with our backs to the walls and our gaze darting toward the entrance, or memorize the Angel drink in bars so we know how to get the bartender’s attention if a guy won’t leave us alone, or have to get “the talk” about how to respond to cops as a kid because you need to be seen as harmless as humanly possible or they’ll shoot you, and even THAT might not work.

My last podcast episode was on the Club Q shooting. A queer club where everyone went for fun and acceptance, ruined by a broken person directing their hate at a vulnerable community. And nearly every survivor account I read mentioned being afraid of another Pulse. We’re afraid of another Pulse, and another Club Q. We’re afraid of another AIDS crisis dismissed because it first hit the gay community, and COVID being dismissed because it majorly hit communities of color and the disabled. We’re afraid because the people who make these arguments are the ones we have to add to our mental list of people who might wish to hurt us. People who don’t want us harmed, or want to harm us? They’re not the ones arguing against these assurances.

We know who to fear. Mostly because they’re never, EVER quiet.”

#lgbtqia #queer #queer pride #I am BEGGING people not to shame the work of at lest thirteen years’ worth of teachers by acting like this

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munsonsduchess · 3 years

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So, I re-watched The Old Guard, again. Just like my Mag 7 re-watch I made some notes, six pages of them to be exact which is why I’m gonna drop them under the cut so I don’t clutter up anyone’s dash with my mildest of observations and all my feelings for a sad alcoholic Frenchman.

I love how we’re introduced to everyone, Andy walking alone through Marrakesh and Booker speeding through the narrow streets on his bike. Are we supposed to think they’re strangers or do they know each other

Bookers little smile when he catches up to Andy like he’s so happy to see her again and Andy’s face lighting up to see him again too

Andy spent a fortune on a book because she knew Booker would like it. “First edition Don Quixote, that wouldn’t come cheap” “it didn’t”

“What brings you to Marrakech?” // “Family'' leave me alone I’m already sobbing

Andy honey they’ll still be able to see that picture in deleted photos but you tried and that’s what matters

Nicky and Joe!

Nicky is so happy to see Andy. That little smile. It’s adorable

“You look good” “you look ok” gentle family teasing is the best ok

“Boss”

It’s been a year since they saw one and other and they just love each other so much. No one touch me.

Nicky and Booker betting on the baklava and Joe just sitting there like “let him lose his money it’s fine, he won’t learn and it’s funny”

Everyone teasing Nicky for loosing and he’s just stood there like “no it’s fine ”

These are the best people for the job and Copley knows it and doesn’t care how much it will cost him. He has faith

Copley knowing Nicky is there and the little wave

Andy taking her axe with her. I love that axe

Just a group of immortals walking through the desert with swords and guns nothing to see here

“Peace be with you” those catholic teachings never quite leave

“It’s a trap!”

That has got to hurt. Those guys emptied full clips into them. Like I get the need to do a job and do it well but come on guys that’s overkill

This is what women want. Andy and her axe

Nicky still having faith there are girls

The picture on Copley’s desk. Like if you knew why did you have to go through this bullshit?

Andy has lived too long and seen too much

Like I know now that Booker knew what was happening or maybe he didn’t know the extent of it but him saying sorry did feel genuine

Andy is just all kinds of done. She didn’t want to do the job in the first place

Nile proving that yes you can be in a strange place and you can serve your country but you don’t have to be a dick about it

“Keep it respectful”

She made an effort to learn the language and learn the customs which goes a long way to establish trust

How traumatic must this have been for Nile? She always knew there was a possibility of being injured in combat or worse never coming home but to be injured so fatally and have your friend hold your life in their hands only to come back and be rejected because you’re an anomaly. A freak

Goes a long way to explain Booker’s feelings too

Nicky and Joe sleeping in the train car is something that is obviously so normal for couples and goes such a long way to show people how ‘normal’ queer people are

“What did you see?” “Part of a name tag” thanks Booker that’s helpful

“I felt her die”

“Everything happens for a reason boss”

Booker didn’t want to go after Nile. He didn’t want her involved

Nicky pushing for them to go after Nile. The emotional centre of the group, appealing to their own experiences and feelings from their first times

Andy is not happy and I can understand how she feels. Given their current situation bringing an unknown element into the mix is only going to complicate everything

“I know I saw her die”

No scarring. Nothing to suggest that anything happened to Nile

The seeds of doubt already growing amongst Nike’s friends and allies

Merrick looks like he should have been a doctor who villain who got his shit kicked in by Donna

Copley you asshole what did you think was gonna happen? They were just gonna get clips emptied into their bodies and let the mercs walk away? Use your big boy brain

Nile trying to come to terms with what happened to her. Everyone around her looking at her with suspicion. Even her Sargent who’s sending her away from more tests

The hostility in the barracks. The fact that her things are already packed.

Everyone knows what happened. Nile has never been more alone just like Nicky said

Trying to drown out the noise of the world and decompress and understand what happened“

But you can call me Andy”

Just casually steals a military transport. Nbd

MA’AM PLEASE I AM ALREADY GAY. Riding around in a tank top and shades like that is not helping

“These damn kids”

Zero hesitation in shooting Nile. This is a woman who has run out of every kind of fuck

“Why does it always have to be so goddamn slow the first couple of times?”

“You shot me” “yes honey now back in the car

”Andy might think she’s cold and heartless and only here to do a job but you can see how much she already cares about what happens to Nile

Soldiers. Fighters. Family

You know what I’m really glad they didn’t make Andy’s tank top skin tight or moulded to show off her body. That isn’t how she rolls

Andy is so proud that Nile stabbed her. Look at that smile

!Nile already having the makings of a plan within minutes of stepping onto the plane

Andy just like “god isn’t real, I’m real though and people thought I was god”

I wonder how many nights the group sat up until the wee hours discussing things like theology. Andy who was worshiped as a god. Nicky and Joe who fought in a holy war for their beliefs and Booker who probably had his own feelings on the subject

Andy being so chill about the crash. The best poker face

It was a good try Nile and look Andy is proud of you!

The smile on Andy’s face when she’s fighting with Nile gives me so much serotonin

Soft Andy. Who had to be tough to teach a lesson

Poor Nile. Coming to terms with what she is and the fact that she might never see her family again

Family dinner time!

Awkward family dinner time

Nicky and Joe staring at each each other with their puppy dog eyes “we’re meant to find each other”

Then Booker and Andy like “misery loves company”

Everyone’s just like “awh Nicky and Joe are so cute”

Andy reliving the people she’s fought with and lost

Booker knows just how much ‘help’ talking to ones family about the situation is

Booker do not put your finger on the trigger of your gun when it’s still in your trousers! You might be immortal but that’s gonna hurt a lot more

Oh no. Quynh.

Andy’s face. I can’t

Joe in tears telling the story“

Before me and Nicky it was just the two of them”

Booker knowing exactly how it feels to hang there for hours and not die or dying and coming back time and time again. Knowing how Quynh and Andy must have felt

I cannot imagine what it must have been like for Andy. To be with someone for so long. The only other person who understands you. To be ripped apart like that

“Why do you blame yourself” that’s not a nice question to ask people

The big emotional talk with Andy and Nile in the churchyard being interrupted by the gunfire

Andy being so afraid Booker wouldn’t come back and delegating to Nile who just accepts her orders

“Welcome back asshole” / “it feels like someone was dancing on my chest”

The banter

Nicky being banished to the table in the corner after 2006 is my favourite headcanon

“Wait for my signal” Andy is more pissed than ever at the people coming after her family

“Big wounds take longer to heal” Nile as a millennial presses x to doubt

The sheer emotion in Andy’s eyes as she fights. The tears. She’s doing this for her family.

Will I ever stop harping on about found family in this show? No I will not“

How can you even tell what the signal is?” One explosion later “oh wait nvm”

The wound on Andy’s shoulder probably doesn’t even feel like anything with the amount of adrenaline

The van. These two“

What is he your boyfriend?” Stanzas of Arabic poetry later, “he’s not my boyfriend he’s all and he’s more”

Nicky and Joe Horny on Main all day every day

These cocky little shits “can you remove the chains? no? ok”“

There’s a TV Joe!” “Champagne?” it’s not a field trip boys

“I used to keep my stuff here” in an abandoned mine she found in the 1150s or that’s when she thinks she found it

Nile being amazed by Andy’s ‘stuff’

Booker meanwhile makes a joke at the expense of his sister

Merrick really should have been a doctor who villain honestly. The grand gesturing the weird mood swings. He could have been great in a two part episode and then had to reckon with Donna

Donna Noble is my favourite companion don’t @ me

Copley beginning to have second thoughts on everything

Andy realising only now that she hasn’t healed from the fight in the church“

Just because we keep living doesn’t mean we stop hurting” I have a lot of Booker feelings ok“

I thought you were the brains of this outfit” oh honey no

Bookers family. Oh no.

No but really how hard must it have been for Booker. To know that his son, his baby was suffering from cancer such an awful disease all the whole cursing his father for being selfish, uncaring, cursing Booker and Booker can’t do anything about it. He’s immortal, he heals, disease will never ravage his body, but he can’t share it with his son. He can only sit and watch as death claims everyone he’s ever loved. Living with the fact that his family despised him at the end of their lives because they didn’t understand that his immortality is a curse.

I have a lot of Booker feels don’t @ me

The pharmacy girl though. Helping just because she could

Reaffirming the reason why Andy started to help people in the first place

A selfless act. A purely good deed. Nothing expected in return. An unselfish act

Andy’s wound and Lykon’s death causing Andy to come to terms with her own mortality

Merrick “prosperity data” and Copley “I’m sorry those are people not objects”

Nicky is not here for your bullshit

Malta Sex Vacation ™

HORNY JAIL

Family bonding time with Nile and Andy

Andy “whatever it takes” and Nile “not on my watch”

So what I want to know is obviously Booker was in on it from the beginning but did actively derail Andy looking into Copley after Joe and Nicky were taken or was he just genuinely having a hard time

Nile prioritising her flesh and blood family and Andy totally understanding because she’s doing this for family too“

You and me Book. Now and always” my heart can’t cope

Nile finding the empty clip. Realising what’s about to happen and going back for her new family because as much as she loves her flesh and blood family this one matters to her as well

Meanwhile Copley I guess got a tip off from Booker (?) and knew this was all going down

The conspiracy wall

Booker you bastard why did you shoot her in the back?

I love this man but god damn

Booker wanting to be ‘normal’ because the memory of being rejected is still so raw

Suicidal tendencies in a 200 year old man

They’re both so upset by the whole thing. The betrayal

Book loves this woman with all his heart and soul. This is the woman who saved him and now she isn’t healing. She’s dying

Booker putting up so much of a fight so they wouldn’t take Andy

“I’m sorry Andy I’m sorry”

You might disagree with me but in my mind Booker never meant to hurt anyone. He didn’t want to be a lab rat. Didn’t want anyone else to be a lab rat. He just wanted to be ‘normal’“

All things die”

“Your time is coming” // “As is yours” Nicky is gonna fuck someone up

“I’m new” says Nile after shooting herself in the foot to make a point

Copley’s conspiracy wall or his fanboy wall for all the good Andy, Booker, Joe and Nicky have done

Copley’s grief at losing his wife being the driving factor for handing the group over to Merrick is tragic and heart breaking and just goes to show how much of a human story this really is

Nile said no guns Copley

Nile is here to save her family

“Those three men in there and I we’ll keep you safe” // Nile coming in guns blazing for them instead

Joe is going to kill Booker himself

“You and Nicky always had each other. All we had was our grief”

Everyone being so surprised to see Nile like “what the fuck?”“

Just leave me here” // “No man left behind”

Meanwhile Joe is fine with just leaving Booker right there to be the last lab rat

The groups concern for Andy who’s always been so strong

The concern. The subtle little head nods Andy does to let them know she’s ok

Andy spies an axe

Joe being so concerned for Nicky and making sure he comes back ok

Nicky immediately scrambling to his feet to go and help Andy

“What happened in 1934?” // “1834”

“Wait for the signal” “like the last one?” “Go big or go home!”

Arguing over who goes first and Andy just “if it doesn’t work our next time you can go first”

And there’s your signal

“You shot Nicky” Joe is not messing around when it comes to his other half“

You ok?” // “Everything hurts”

Andy has been immortal for so long she’s lost all sense of feeling human. Then Nile shows up to do just that. Remind her

Merrick calling Nile selfish like I’m sorry you entitled little shit what did you say“

Do you think he speaks Russian?”

YEET!

That one must have hurt

Nicky and Joe just like “wow the new girl is hardcore”

“Faster than the elevator”

Gotta save Andy’s axe

Nicky sits in the middle which is the actual worst place to sit in a car

Do you think they al rocked up to a hotel covered in blood like “don’t ask just give us a room and a shower”

Joe still seething at Booker through the pub window

Nile having to live with the fact that her family will never know what really happened to her. That they’ll all think she was KIA and whatever body they send back won’t be hers

The 100 year naughty step

I love that Nile was gonna let Booker off with an apology like “he didn’t mean it he’s just a sad alcoholic”

Nobody look at me. Ok. Andy and Booker saying goodbye on the shore. I can’t. This is it. This is the scene that breaks me

“I won’t see you again” // “Have a little faith Book”

Joe really wants to hit Booker. Probably did in the interim

The big picture“

Maybe this is the why Andy”

Andy laying down the law and Joe in the background like “yeah this isn’t a request”

Meanwhile in Paris. Booker is tired and just wants a drink

I am a fan of the scruff though

If that’s water Quynh definitely brought it in herself for The Drama ™

QUYNH THOUGH

#the old guard #long post #disjoined thoughts #i have a lot of booker feelings #i am not apologising for what he did #i just have a lot of feelings about the why #in which my fave is the traitor of the group #why you ask? wish i knew mate #duchess.txt

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dabatcavebyhonie · 4 years

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Marvel's Runaways- an example of a BAD idea

So imagine you wanted to a great comic book show. You buy a great cheap comic so you break the bank. But then you feel the pressure to have your loved characters appeal to a more modern audience. But there is a rift between the movie universe and the TV universe. So now you are left with a half baked story filled with holes and it is almost unrecognizable to the comics. Let us also not forget their horrible idea of re-writing the perspectives for the mass audiences. This is how you get the "cringy" monster that is the Hulu's adaptation of Runaways.

The first thing you must understand before tackling Runaways is that this Marvel property is heavily ingrained into the Marvel universe. In fact, one character from the comic book cast is the son of Ultron. Ultron, who MCU wrote off as someone short series of events. Then that means that most of the events that occur in the comics become void. This leads to a rewriting of the events that occur in the TV show.

I broke the aspects of this ongoing show into three parts : Angst- the teen and the parent, stereotypes- I promise we're different, dialogue- Who am I?

“I had choosen the path of the black sheep rather than that of the unicorns and puppies.”

― Magenta Periwinkle, Cutting Class

Angst- The teen and the parent

When you are first introduced to the nouveau-rich families of PRIDE you see parents with a wide range of jobs. This includes tech mongers, bio-chemists, and even spiritual leaders. By each family you see various color schemes graced across the screen. I assumed this TV show would be promising. Until you meet the children. I first became frustrated by the dynamics of the children. They're all stereotypes written out of a high school rom-com. At least for shows that Have stereotypes like Daria you understand they're there to be unrealistic and mellow-dramatic. However this idea isn't valid for Runaways. The show is supposed to be relatable and fanciful at the same time. They're also not stereotypes in the graphic novel they're just themselves. This adds angst to the angst . Which this edgy behavior is supposed to replace the depth in their character. Take the biggest example of this: Nico. Her stereotype is that she's a goth so she's mean and does witchcraft and always cries about dead sister. Then in the later seasons she's hopelessly devoted to Karolina and this is supposed to add depth to her one dimensional personality.Her senitive love for Karolina is supposed to add depth- I just...No,no, no, UGH, Stop, please. I can't with her. The big thing that makes her DEEP is that she's actually sensitive and gay. They use queer-bating to have her be more appealing. Then her stereotypical goth-ness solidifies the Goth norm-perception, it says,"Yes all goths are this way. They're all tortured and filled with teenage melodramatic behavior.".Her Wicca worship is another Goth stereotype. As a goth myself I do not condone the stereotypes that aren't accurate. I wish her character was more inspired like Abby from NCIS. The actor wantesd the character to be more authentic and not just a stereotype like numerous other shows have. Just no. Every time she slams her door a front of her mother's face or steals her mother's staff I'm just dumbfounded.

Karolina is the church girl stereotype. She waltzes across your screen in all white and reads Her bible-I-mean-her-religious-texts-that-don't-sound-like-Christianity-at-all. Then when she's tempted by the flesh of the witch! Oh no will they, Won't they? Spoiler alert: They will as we assumed with horrible LGBTQ+ characters as always. Her depth is her love for Nico. To the amount that her dreams while she's trapped in the first two episiodes of season three was her wedding with Nico. Granted it was goregous but her love is her character depth which is dissapointing since their relationship ends in season three. They're both always moody and mad at each other but it's fine they love each other even though they only give each other a few pecks once in a while. Like don't make the mass audience mad cause we can't have too much gay! HAHA! For me it's less for the LGBTQ+ masses or to show representation it's written to sound and look pretty for the male gaze but hey!

That's just me spreading my SJW bias like Gert does 24/4! Like is there an off button. Introducing the liberal complete with crippling anxiety and even "NO! I can't love a Lacrosse Jock! I hate the Patriarchy!". While no one shows up for her rally or her bakes sales she crushes over Chase who is rude to her. My father being heavily left-leaning said "Gert needs to go. Like she doesn't stop talking and ruins the show!". Like when I told him I was watching the new season he frantically asked why and asked if I was okay.

I'm getting off track. Anyway, The point is the only ones that love their family to start is Molly, Gertrude and Chase. But don't worry the only one that still loves her parents after is Molly (in some twisted way I guess Karolina.....ehhh). After seeing their parents kill a kid and shove them into a magical space tube instead of calling the police or rationally acting. They gain this amazing attribute called teenage angst. Except for Molly cause she doesn't get it. Granted the first season isn't that bad but the show only gets worse the farther you go into it. I especially have been carrying a special amount of disdain for season two. But I think that maybe the new season has promise since the teenage angst doesn't smell as bad so far but I'll give you guys an update on Tumblr. What was I saying ...So if you don't understand what I mean by the heavy angst take a new scene from season three when Dale (her dad) Has Gert hostage in their cottage. She goes on numerous rants on How much she hates him when like a year ago she was being somewhat rational by trying to think before she shouts and finger wag at her parents but now-speak your mind child! I find the teen vs. parent atmosphere.

However This idea of teenage angst isn't unrealistic. But how general it is over every character is what makes the angst unrealistic. The original hesitation of Gert makes it feel more natural. Karolina's almost disregard to what they saw originally felt more real. The small responses from characters separates their personalities and makes season one much more entertaining.

Stereotypes- I promise we're different

Now that you understand the edgy personality of the show as a whole let's move on to the content. You're introduced to a runaway teenager named Destiny she's mugged but "rescued" by the Church of Gibborim. Little do we realize these muggers were trying to save her. Six months later we're introduced to Alex Wilder, a stereotypical nerd, who loves coding. Nico Minoru the person Alex has a crush; her sister died who was Alex's best friend, so now Nico's a goth. Okay, that's a lot. You then meet Gert, Chase and, Molly. Molly is younger then everyone else so she is disregarded when she tells everyone to become friends. Chase is a lacrosse jock but he's different cause he's smart I guess. Chase loves his family but his dad is emotionally abusive to him and his mom. It gives Chase a leader mentality and he tends to think he knows the right answer.

Gert is a social justice warrior who tries to make her school a better place. But she's different cause she has anxiety. Tell me if my point isn't getting across, tell me. This show's "thing" is that everyone's a stereotypes but, they're different, I guess;Which would usually be fine if it wasn't apart of such a big intellectual property: Marvel. Granted when it comes to movies and TV I never said Marvel story-lines were ever complex but the shows always Go outside the prior assumptions, it's not all stereotypes.

Take for instance, Agents of Shield. Take Coulson who literally was resurrected fro the dead. He is hard and stern like he was depicted in the movies but we learn about his strife and how he worked alongside Nick to build S.H.I.E.L.D. to what it is. He has control issues so he has to adopt the mindset that Nick has. It's new and interesting to the MCU audience. Melinda May, is an Ace pilot and personally my favorite simply due to her character writing. Her divide between her reputation versus who she is. She's known as " The Calvary" after all. She has trauma from a mission that killed a civilian which leaves her emotionally scared. This isn't a new concept but seeing her grow and becoming better emotionally gives the audience connections to the characters.

Every character is written with steady care and good character writing. We feel sad When Coulson dies yet again. We feel the inner turmoil Skye and May feel. The connection isn't there in these hollow stereotypes. The connection to the audience in Runaways is what's making the show stale. The TV show characters are pale imitations of the comic book characters. It's hurts the show in the long run.

dialogue-Who am I?

The most important thing that makes this show salvageable is the dialogue. No, I don't only mean the words coming out their mouths but the story-line that's surprisingly controlled by the parents. The superficial cold teenagers that only show disdain towards their parents and easily toppled by their Parents beckoning and call. For instance in season 2, Chase betrays his whole team to have his family back after his dad dies. He thinks they'll lose so quickly when he's left alone with them. You see their guard come down so quickly around their providers. Yet they can never forgive them. This is obvious in Alex's case. His hatred towards his parents lead him to the arms of his father's enemy become's angry when his mother retaliates and kills Darius, but is vexed when his father is calling him. Responds just by his mother threatens him from jail in season three. Why does Nico stop to talk to her Dad in season three, episode "Lord of Lies". I'm going to keep watching just because of the dynamic of the kids and parents. Especially as the parents are inhabited by parasitic aliens it's changes this complex dynamic yet again. Along with Nico's inner turmoil involving her magic and the forces that are utilized with her staff headlines the dialogue and plot I love so much. I will continue to watch as this tale unfolds.

Conclusion: This show is complex recycling heap. I find it hard to watch and a grotesque figure I can't move away from. I find it a good surface level adaptation. I find it messy but it's not entirely predictable! I appreciate how invested the actors are in their characters! I hope to continue watching the show to see how the plot moves.

#marvel #runaways #review #nico minoru #agents of shield

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margot-bargot · 6 years

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Listen, fam. I'm coming out.

Look, I've been working on the best way to do this for a while. I had a whole long thing typed up & I kept re-writing it for months. But I think I'm just gonna get to the point. I'm coming out. I identify as pansexual. What is pansexuality, you ask? Well, it basically means that I feel attraction to anyone, regardless of their gender. Cis men & women, trans men & women, agender folks, demigender folks, etc. If you've never heard of pansexuality before, lemme hit you with that Wikipedia link real quick to help you out: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality . Pansexuality is pretty adjacent to bisexuality & often gets confused for it. However, the two are slightly different in that bisexuality is attraction to two or more genders & pansexuality is attraction to anyone of any gender. A couple things to note real quick before we continue: 1. Pansexuality doesn't mean that you're attracted to EVERYONE you see. It simply means that your capacity to feel attraction isn't primarily based on gender. 2. If you make any jokes about having sex with pans, you're officially a cornball. I'm just giving you a heads up, is all. Sorry but I don't make the rules. So the thing you might be wondering is how I figured this out. To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out how I could go 29 years without knowing this about myself. But every time I think back, there is one element of my past that explains why it took so long. Growing up in a predominantly conservative christian home, the idea of being gay or anything close to it was a non-starter. It was a sin & a heavily condemned one, at that. As a result, any time a "gay thought" would pop up in my head, I tried to get it out of there as quick as possible. It became an instant reflex to keep that kind of thought out of my head. But I still would feel guilt for the thought, as well as guilt from "lusting" for women. My teens were a confusion time where I was discouraged from even considering an attraction for another gender while also being told I was TOO attracted to the "right" gender. Not a great situation, emotionally. Unfortunately, I suspect it's not an uncommon occurrence for kids growing up in strict christian homes. That said, I felt more comfortable exploring attraction & affection towards cisgendered women (even if it led to "sin" or whatever ugh) mainly because it was instilled in me by conservative christian culture that being gay was worse in the eyes of both God & the church congregation than sleeping with a woman before marriage. If you did that, the church congregation would murmur about you for a bit & engage in some form of slut-shaming hidden under the guise of "asking god for forgiveness." If you were gay? That was a disease. A sinful disease. You'd be quarantined, or ostracized, from that community unless they had the "grace" to help you get therapy to pray the gay away. So, being a massively horny but perpetually nervous teen, I chose to guiltily explore attraction to cis women & push everything else out. In college, my views on both religion & sexuality became more liberal. I no longer thought of being gay as a sin disease (although Sin Disease is a good name for a metal band, now that I think about it). This trend continued after college & beyond, to the point of total acceptance & support for the LGBTQIA community. Folks were gay (including several friends of mine) & that's cool. But I never thought about it for myself. I never allowed myself to really consider the possibility that I could be attracted to anyone else because I always struck the thought down when it popped up in my head. Even though I was no longer religious, I still carried that reflex I learned as a child years ago. The reflex that conservative Christianity taught & encouraged within me. I guess what I'm saying is that religious suppression is a powerful thing. And that only started to unravel for me late last year. I can't point to one thing that started the unraveling process because it really was a culmination of a bunch of different things (such as talking with some cool queer folks about their experiences & finally allowing myself to let in/process non-heteronormative thoughts). It was in late January where I first admitted out loud to one of my roommates that I was beginning to think that I wasn't actually straight. It was really hard for me to find the words for how I felt. None of the established labels (gay, bi, etc) felt 100 percent accurate for me. She actually helped point me toward the idea of pansexuality, which seemed closer to how I felt (I would later talk to some cool queer folks who helped verify some information about pansexuality, where it fit in the rainbow, etc). And a weird thing happened that night. I felt a weight lift off of me. It happened almost instantly. It was like a weight that I never knew was there. And I started crying. Was this what I was carrying with me for 29 years? Was that reflex to kick the idea of anything queer out of my head keeping this weight on me? Even now, with the large amounts of stress/worry that I feel on a day-to-day basis, I think about all of this & it feels like a bright spot in an otherwise dark world for me. Like, the world is going to shit, but I finally figured out this important truth about myself. Anyway, that's a lot of words up there. And I'm not done! I still need to tell you why I'm saying all of this! But I know this has been a long read, so feel free to run to the bathroom if you need to. It occurred to me that I might not be the only one in this situation. If conservative christian culture was able to burrow that repressive reflex that deep into me (so deep that it lasted years after I left the church), it had to do the same to other folks. Maybe there's someone reading this that hasn't even allowed themselves to consider their sexual identity. Maybe someone's reading that's just starting to ask some questions about their identity. If so, I want to tell you that it's okay to question & explore that side of yourself, even if you don't really have a name for it yet. I certainly didn't know what to call myself at first, other than "not straight". You're 100% not alone in this. I'm out here with you, grasping at bits of truth, filling in the gaps, & trying to find answers but feeling so much more free in the journey than I ever did in the comfort of what I knew. If you are in that situation, there are a lot of good resources to help you fill in the gaps & answer some of those lingering questions. If you have a friend in the LGBTQIA community, don't be afraid to ask them about their own experience. Talking with folks who had an experience coming to grips with their own queerness helped me quite a bit, even when our experiences were different. It's just nice to know you're not some unsolvable mystery & that this this thing (whatever you end up calling it) is a very positive thing. If you live in a big enough city, you probably have an equality center that provides resources, access to affordable counseling, support groups, & social events (where you can meet other folks within the community). If your city doesn't have something like that, there are online resources that can help as well. Here's a link for the GLBT National Help Center, in case you're in that situation: http://glbtnationalhelpcenter.org . Hopefully that ends up being helpful to anyone who needs it. It's 2018 & while there have been massive strides in LGBTQIA rights/visibility, there are still many ways in which members of the community are harmed & discriminated against (spearheaded largely by our current administration). We're not in a time where everyone everywhere can feel 100% safe openly exploring their sexual and/or gender identity. I'm a huge dummy in many respects, but if some of the information in this post helps someone feel less alone or points them in the right direction, then it'll be worth it. I realize that there are folks I know who hold more conservative views. They'll probably read all of this (or like, just the first two paragraphs lol) & decide I'm heading straight to hell. If they're being generous, they'll say that they're "praying for me" & pity me as another lost soul. Which, whatever. I'll be fine. If anything, I feel more free than I ever did repressing such a big part of myself. Plus, these are people who voted for Trump (& if they didn't, they are still largely okay with the gay-hating coward Mike Pence). So we're not gonna see eye-to-eye on this no matter what. 🤷‍♂️ Also they can fuck off. 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️ I guess that's all I have to say. If you stuck around & read all of this, I appreciate you indulging me as I tried to fumble around explaining myself. It's been about 5 months since I first came out to my roommate & I'm happy to finally share the good news with y'all. I'm going to my first ever Pride parade soon. It'll be my first time around a large gathering of queer folk. I normally don't really like being out in large groups (nor do I love highly corporate-sponsored events, which this surely will be). That being said, I'm really excited! I seriously can't wait for this. Probably because it feels like finally being united with a group you never knew you were a part of. It's an event specifically celebrating the idea that it's cool & good to be queer, to be part of this rainbow. For the first time in a long time, it feels like I'm moving in the right direction.

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illbefinealonereads · 4 years

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Blog tour! Keep scrolling for an exclusive excerpt from Music From Another World by Robyn Talley.

MUSIC FROM ANOTHER WORLD By Robin Talley On Sale: Mar 31, 2020 Inkyard Press Teen & Young Adult 20th Century United States Historical Fiction Teen & Young Adult Fiction about Emotions & Feelings Teen & Young Adult Gay & Lesbian Fiction 9781335146779; 1335146776 $18.99 USD 384 pages

It’s summer 1977 and closeted lesbian Tammy Larson can’t be herself anywhere. Not at her strict Christian high school, not at her conservative Orange County church and certainly not at home, where her ultrareligious aunt relentlessly organizes antigay political campaigns. Tammy’s only outlet is writing secret letters in her diary to gay civil rights activist Harvey Milk…until she’s matched with a real-life pen pal who changes everything. Sharon Hawkins bonds with Tammy over punk music and carefully shared secrets, and soon their letters become the one place she can be honest. The rest of her life in San Francisco is full of lies. The kind she tells for others—like helping her gay brother hide the truth from their mom—and the kind she tells herself. But as antigay fervor in America reaches a frightening new pitch, Sharon and Tammy must rely on their long-distance friendship to discover their deeply personal truths, what they’ll stand for…and who they’ll rise against. A master of award-winning queer historical fiction, New York Times bestselling author Robin Talley once again brings to life with heart and vivid detail an emotionally captivating story about the lives of two teen girls living in an age when just being yourself was an incredible act of bravery.

Robin Talley studied literature and communications at American University. She lives in Washington, DC, with her wife, but visits both Boston and New York regularly despite her moral opposition to Massachusetts winters and Times Square. Her first book was 2014's Lies We Tell Ourselves. Visit her online at robintalley.com or on Twitter at @robin_talley.

Social Links: Author website: https://robintalley.com/ Facebook: @robintalleywrites Twitter: @robin_talley Instagram: @robin_talley Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6469490.Robin_Talley

Tuesday, June 7, 1977

Dear Harvey,

I hope it’s okay for me to call you Harvey. In school, when they taught us to write letters, they said adults should always be addressed as “Mr.” or “Mrs.,” but from what I’ve read in the newspaper, you don’t seem much like the adults I know. I’d feel wrong calling you “Mr. Milk.”

Besides, it’s not as if I’m ever going to send you this letter. I’ve never kept a diary before, but things have been getting harder lately, and tonight might be the hardest night of all. I need someone I can talk to. Even if you can’t answer back.

Plus, I told Aunt Mandy I couldn’t join the prayer circle because I had too much homework. Tomorrow’s the last day of school, so I don’t have any homework, but she doesn’t know that. If I keep writing in this notebook, maybe she’ll think homework is really what I’m doing.

I guess I could write to my new “pen pal” instead. That might count as homework. It would be closer than writing a fake letter to a famous San Francisco homosexual, anyway, but I can’t handle the thought of writing to some stranger right now.

Technically you’re a stranger, too, Harvey, but you don’t feel like one. That’s why I wanted to write to you, instead of “Dear Diary” or something.

It’s ironic, though, that my pen pal lives in San Francisco, too. I wonder if she’s ever met you. How big is the city, anyway? I read a magazine article that said gay people could hold hands walking down the street there, and no one minds. Is that true?

Ugh. The prayer circle’s starting over. Brett and Carolyn are leading the Lord’s Prayer again. It’s probably the only prayer they know.

We’ve been cooped up in the church basement for five hours now—my whole family, plus the youth group, plus a bunch of the other Protect Our Children volunteers. Along with Aunt Mandy and Uncle Russell, of course. The results from Miami should come in any minute.

You probably already know this—wait, who am I kidding? Of courseyou know, Harvey—but there was a vote today in Florida. They were voting on homosexuality, so our church, New Way Baptist, was heavily involved, even though we’re on the opposite side of the country. Everyone in our youth group was required to volunteer. I worked in the office Aunt Mandy and Uncle Russell set up in their den, answering phones and putting together mailings and counting donations to the New Way Protect Our Children Fund. We had bake sales and car washes to raise money to send to Anita Bryant, too.

You know all about Anita Bryant, obviously. You’re probably just as scared of her as I am. Although, come to think of it, whenever I see you in the newspaper, you look the opposite of afraid. In pictures, you’re always smiling.

Don’t you get anxious, having everyone know? I’m terrified all the time, and no one even knows about me yet. I hope they never find out.

Maybe I should pray for that. Ha.

Okay, the Lord’s Prayer is over and now Uncle Russell’s making everyone silently call on God to save the good Christians of Florida from sin. I hope I can keep writing without getting in trouble.

Ugh, look at them all, showing off how devout they are. The only two people in this room who aren’t clasping their hands in front of them and moving their lips dramatically are me and Aunt Mandy, but that’s because I’m a grievous sinner—obviously—and Aunt Mandy keeps peeking out from her shut eyes at the phone next to her.

I’m not sure how much you can concentrate on God when you’re solely focused on being ready to snatch up the receiver the second it starts to shake. Maybe she’ll grab it so hard, it’ll crush to a pulp in her fist like one of Anita Bryant’s fucking Florida oranges.

I wonder what you’re doing tonight, Harvey. Probably waiting by your phone, too. Only you’re in San Francisco, and if you’re praying, you’re praying for the opposite of what Aunt Mandy and everyone else in our church basement is praying for.

It seems pointless to pray now, though. The votes have already been cast, so we’re just waiting to hear the results. There’s a reporter from my aunt and uncle’s favorite radio station in L.A. sitting at the back of the room, ready to interview Uncle Russell once we know what happened. Even though we basically already do.

My mom showed up at church tonight with a box of balloons from the supermarket, but Aunt Mandy wouldn’t let anyone touch them until the announcement, so at the moment the box is sitting in the closet under a stack of old communion trays. The second that phone starts to ring, though,

I just bet Aunt Mandy’s going to haul out that box and make us all start blowing up those crappy balloons.

I wonder if you’ve heard of my aunt. She wants you to. She knows exactly who you are, of course—you’re her enemy.

Which makes me your enemy, too, I guess. I’m not eighteen, and it’s not as if I could’ve voted in an election in Miami even if I were, but I’ve still spent the past two months folding up comic books about the destruction of Sodom to mail out to churches in Florida.

I’m a soldier for Christ. That’s what Aunt Mandy calls me, anyway. And since I do everything she says, she must be right.

Writing to you instead of praying with the others is the closest I’ve ever come to rebelling. That’s how much of a coward I am, Harvey.

I wish I had the nerve to tell my aunt to go shove it. That’s what I’d really pray for—the nerve, I mean. If I thought prayer ever helped anything.

Shit, the phone’s ringing. More later.

Tammy

Buy Links: Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Music-Another-World-Robin-Talley/dp/1335146776 Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/music-from-another-world-robin-talley/1131130958#/ IndieBound: https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781335146779 Books-A-Million: https://www.booksamillion.com/p/Music-from-Another-World/Robin-Talley/9781335146779?id=7833509719461 AppleBooks: https://books.apple.com/us/book/music-from-another-world/id1458725405 Google Play: https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Robin_Talley_Music_from_Another_World?id=yEy7DwAAQBAJ

#music from another world #robyn talley #blog tour #booklr #excerpt

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