#very best friends to lovers which is quite sad with the eventual betrayal :(

[kurokens]

Burn traitor | Geto Suguru

anime/manga: jujutsu kaisen

character: geto suguru

words: 2080

notes: hey! this is my first geto piece and it's angst hehe. I had this idea for a while now and I finally found a song that inspired me to write it, the lyrics do not really match the scenario but I still think the atmosphere fits. I think it's one of my favourite I've written, not that I wrote it well because, I didnt, I just like making myself suffer apparently because I love writting angst oops... also sorry for any mistakes english isn't my native language! also my requests are open you can find my rules here.

not proof read

song rec: burn x traitor mashup - Hamilton & Olivia Rodrigo

genre: angst

warnings: manga spoilers, violence, major character death, murder, some blood, i think that's it, tell me if i missed anything

You met Geto when you were both in high school, honestly your meeting wasn’t the most romantic, in fact he saved you from a curse on that day. Before meeting him, you had no idea what a curse was and if anyone told you they existed you probably would have laughed in their face. But unfortunately for you, they existed and you wished you had learned about them beforehand, because this was one of the scariest moments of your life. However, thanks to this unfortunate night you met the love of your life. The one who saved you ended up becoming the very person you would become infatuated with. After saving you, you both started seeing each other, going on some dates before making it official. You both seemed to have what people would call the perfect love, your friends would often tell you that you found your soulmates and you truly believed you did. At least that’s what you thought.

Geto had been sent on a mission a week ago, but he promised he would be back for your 2 years anniversary, he said that no matter what he would always find a way to come back to you. So why wasn’t he here, why were you crying in the arms of your boyfriend’s best friend while he was trying his best to contain his own? Why was he saying Geto left? That he killed his parents and ran away to become a curse user?

“He wouldn’t. He can’t do this, he would have told me, warned me at least.” You cried to Gojo.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to believe it either, but I saw him, I talked to him and he did, there is no going back. He won’t change his mind.” He told you, sadness clear in his voice.

“I need to see him too, tell me where I can see him.”You said, begging Gojo with your eyes.

“I think it’s best for you if you didn’t. He didn’t hesitate to kill his own parents, I think it would be safer for you as a non-sorcerer to just let him go, and maybe move away.” The white-haired man tried explaining, but you could only shake your head at him.

“No! You’re lying, you’re trying to keep me away from him. He would never do this to me, to them. You’re a liar Gojo!” Your cries getting louder with each word, you tried escaping the sorcerer’s grasp but it was in vain.

“I’m sorry.” The young man once again said, still not letting go of your struggling figure. “I can’t let you get hurt more than this, I know this is why he didn’t come back to you, he can’t hurt you. Please listen to me, at least this once.”

And listen to him you did, it took a lot of convincing but you did, kind of. You were feeling a lot of things, sadness, anger, betrayal, but deep down you still missed him. You told yourself that maybe he did want to come to you but couldn’t because he knew the higherups would be able to find him here, you were trying to convince yourself that maybe he was missing you just as much and that he would come to find you later, when they wouldn’t be searching for him so heavily. So you waited, a day, then two, and then three, and soon days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, which turned into years.

It had already been three years, three years since Suguru vanished from your life, three years since he left you behind as if you never mattered to him, as if you didn’t spend two years of your life loving and supporting him with everything you got. Three years since you started waiting for him, hoping to get a sign from him, a letter, a phone call, anything that would tell you he was still alive, and missed you just as much as you did. Yes, of course you were angry, you wanted to scream at him from what he did, but, a part of you still wanted to believe that none of this was true, and that he didn’t do this of his own volition.

It was an ordinary day for you, you were in your apartment, watching the tv while reminiscing about your days with Geto, when a knock on your door interrupted your train of thoughts. Almost like a robot you took yourself to the door, thinking it might just be Gojo checking on you like he had been doing for three years. But when you opened your door, it wasn’t the white-haired sorcerer standing in front of you, no. It was the very man you were previously thinking about, the one you thought you would never see again. You couldn’t believe your eyes, you hoped so hard for this day to happen that now it suddenly became real, you were starting to doubt your sanity.

“Su-suguru?” You eventually let out under your breath after staring at him for what felt like hours.

“Hey…” He awkwardly waved at your frozen figure.

“Hey? Hey??? Is that all you have to say?” You asked dumbfounded, finally snapping out of your daydream. “How dare you? You disappeared right before our second anniversary after promising me you would always come back to me. Three years Geto, you left for three years. And now you come back like nothing happened and the first thing you say is hey? Is that all I’m worth? Didn’t I deserve at least a goodbye? An explanation? A letter? Anything? Do you know what I’ve been told about you? Do know what they said you’ve done?? They said I shouldn’t try to reach you because you would kill me too.” All of your pent-up frustration and anger ultimately getting the best you, and before you could stop them tears were running down your cheeks.

“Look, I’m truly sorry for making you go through all of this. It was never my intention.” The black-haired sorcerer started.

“You’re sorry?” You said incredulously, years of repressed anger finally bursting out. “You think a sorry will cut it? Geto do you know what I went through? I’ve waited for a sign from you for three years. For three years I’ve prayed and hoped that none of what I’ve been told was right. I believed in you, believed in what we had. But now that you’re standing before me all of that hope in you has completely vanished. You don’t even look a bit remorseful for what you’ve made me go through. Sorry? Let me laugh. Are you sorry for the sleepless nights? For the hours spent crying over your disappearance? For the void in my heart that you’ve caused when you left? Are you sorry for the way you broke me Suguru? Are your sorry for the way you’ve emotionally killed me?”

Your monologue left the curse user speechless, he truly was sorry, he wished he could have told you but he couldn’t. He always thought about you, he missed you the most. He wanted to come see you so badly, hug you, tell you how much he loved you, and most of all kiss you, he wanted it so badly but he knew it would only put you in danger, so he didn’t. This is all he wanted to tell you, but couldn’t, he knew you would believe him, and, in the end, this was going to hurt even more.

“I am.” Geto settled on these simple words, he knew it wasn’t enough, he knew it would anger you, but this was for the best, he already made his choice three years ago.

“I can’t believe you. I can’t believe I trusted you, that I thought you weren’t the person people said you became. How foolish of me to have trusted you. Thanks for giving me the closure I needed. At least you’ve done one thing right.” You laughed bittersweetly before reaching for the door and closing it.

“Are you going to do it or not?” A voice suddenly said, holding the door you were about to shut. “This is what we came here for. Remember what you’ve said, this world doesn’t have space for non-sorcerers.”

“I know. I will do it. I just need a moment.” The black-haired sorcerer replied with a heavy sigh which deeply confused you.

“What are you even saying? Stop whatever you’re doing, just leave and let me close this damn door.” You growled, growing annoyed at the fact your door wouldn’t budge no matter how much strength you used.

“So?” The same voice asked, continuing to apply pressure on the door to keep you from shutting it.

“I’m sorry.” Geto sighed sadly, his eyes filled with this same foreign feeling they had before he left for his last mission as a jujutsu sorcerer.

“You already said that, I get it. Now leave.” You insisted, growing scared at your door which wouldn’t close and the look in Geto’s eyes.

“I never meant for this to happen.” Your ex-lover said, bringing one of his hands to caress your cheek.

“What are you talking about?” You inquired, now furiously pushing on your door in hope it would finally close.

“But I have no choice.” The curse user continued, his fingers catching the tears that were still rolling down your face. “I know you will understand.”

“What the fuck are you saying Suguru, get out of here you’re scaring me. I don’t know you anymore. You’re not the person I used to love!” You screamed, hands shaking and still pushing the unmoveable door. “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.”

“I loved you, I always will. I hope we will be able to meet in our next life and finally be together like we were meant to.” Geto declared before bending down to softly kiss your forehead. “I’m sorry.”

His actions stunned you, you didn’t even have the time to process anything before a warm feeling made its way to your stomach. Quite a familiar and nostalgic feeling if you were asked, the same one you used to feel whenever you and Geto were together, the one which used to spread throughout your entire body when he would tell you he loved you. But today it felt strangely different, almost bittersweet, it wasn’t a feeling you ever wanted to feel again, no, this one hurt, this one burned you to your core, this one was killing you.

“You-” You started before a violent cough interrupted you, one that burned your entire throat. You coughed for a minute before looking down at your hand, and to your horror it was covered in blood.

Panic and confusion flooded your mind, you looked at Geto’s face, searching for an answer, something that would tell you what was happening but the only thing you could see was the one thing you wished you could have seen when he first knocked on this door, remorse. Eventually your eyes trailed down your lover figure, until you saw his arms reaching out to you, you didn’t remember that he was touching you. You followed it to find where his hand was, your stomach. Your vision was starting to get blurry, was it the tears? Or were you losing consciousness? You didn’t really know. All you knew was that this warm feeling in your stomach was getting stronger and stronger. You blinked a few times and finally, you could see clearly, Geto wasn’t touching you, no, Geto was killing you. His arm that you thought was reaching out to you, was in fact piercing you right through your stomach. This warm feeling that kept getting stronger, it wasn’t love, no, it was anger, pain, betrayal, resentment. How foolish of you to have believed in him.

In your last moment of consciousness, you told yourself that you should have trusted Gojo, you should have listened to him and moved overseas. You shouldn’t have had faith in Geto, deep down you knew it, you knew it, but it was too late for regrets, nothing could be done anymore, he won.

“Traitor.” You managed to let out before taking your final breath, the world around you gradually fading to black. The last image you saw was the face of your lover, tears-stained cheeks and remorse written all over it, but it was too late for regrets, he picked the world he wanted to live in and you weren’t part of it.

#saturn's writing #geto suguru x reader #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #spoilers #geto suguru angst #jjk angst #jujutsu kaisen angst #geto x reader #geto suguru x you #jjk x you #jujutsu kaisen x you #geto x you #geto angst #getou suguru x reader

[john-smith69]

Ranking my favorite characters of each of my favorite animes / mangas

For the record: I don't own any of the following artworks bellow. All the credit go for their own original artists

Top 10: Olivier Mira Armstrong (Fullmetal Alchemist)

Olivier Mira Armstrong (オリヴィエ・ミラ・アームストロング, Orivie Mira Āmusutorongu), also known as Major General Armstrong is the primary heir to the illustrious Armstrong family, the commanding officer charged with the protection of Amestris' northern border at Fort Briggs and the older sister of Alex Louis Armstrong. Olivier is a severe woman who has a fearsome and commanding presence where she is harsh with her subordinates and peers and coldly merciless to her enemies, the deceptively beautiful woman's schadenfreude has earned her the nickname "Ice Queen" among the Briggs soldiers. Sharp-tongued and highly combative, Olivier is no stranger to furious chastisements and bursts of fiery violence, especially toward those who fail to live up to her high standards and staunch adherence to the "survival of the fittest" philosophy.

Top 9: Mikasa Ackerman (Attack On Titan)

Mikasa Ackerman (ミカサ・アッカーマン Mikasa Akkāman) is the adoptive sister of Eren Yeager and one of the two deuteragonists of the series, along with Armin Arlert.

After her biological parents were murdered by human traffickers, Mikasa was rescued by Eren Yeager and lived with him and his parents, Grisha and Carla, before the fall of Wall Maria. Though she desires only to live a peaceful life, Mikasa entered into the military—where she is considered the best soldier among the 104th Training Corps. She later enlists in the Survey Corps to follow and protect Eren, becoming one of its greatest assets. She is currently serving as an officer (上官 Jōkan) in the Corps. Mikasa cares deeply for her friends and caretakers, seeing them as the last remnants of a family she cannot afford to lose. Mikasa also appears to have a soft spot for children, and she has a strong sense of right and wrong, doing everything she can to make her most impulsive friends to follow what she thinks is the right track. Despite that, she knows well that she cannot always sway them in decisions and makes it a point to follow them whenever they go, just so that she can be around to help out when trouble arises.

Top 8: Kamina (Gurren Lagann)

Kamina (カミナ, Kamina) was a young man from Jeeha Village, the founder and first leader of Team Gurren and deuteragonist of the first arc of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. At first glance, Kamina is boisterous, hotheaded and arrogant. He demands recognition and seems hungry for greatness, illustrated in his tendency to call himself "the Mighty Kamina" and his signature catchphrase, "Just who the Hell do you think I am?!" He is an undeterred idealist, often to the point of ignorance; Yoko has described him as "a man of unlimited stupidity." Kamina is also very perverted, declaring that the urge to stare at beautiful women is the definition of a man.

However, Kamina is also extremely determined and never lets anything keep him down for long. Even discovering that his father was dead only made him solemn for a night or two (visibly at least). He is also devoted to defending and supporting his friends and loved ones, fighting with all his strength to protect them. In turn, he is very charismatic in the heat of battle, able to inspire even the timid Simon to accomplish great feats and almost single-handedly set the foundations for Team Dai-Gurren.

Despite his often brazen and practically insane actions, Kamina is fairly insightful, as his bombast and seemingly blind confidence usually mask his true intelligence in planning and combat. He even personally admits that his bravado and fearlessness is mostly a device he uses to hide his own worries and to support others, and that he thinks people like Simon are the real heroes.

Top 7: Sebas Tian (Overlord)

Sebas Tian (セバス・チャン), alas "The Iron Butler", is the head butler of the Great Tomb of Nazarick with several manservants and other butlers under his command. He was created by Touch Me. He is also the leader of the Pleiades Six Stars.

Although he is not one of the Floor Guardians, his power closely rivals theirs. In a way, he is independent of their chain of command. He originally served as Nazarick's last line of defense alongside the Pleiades on the 9th Floor, to give time for the guild, Ainz Ooal Gown, to prepare for their final stand in the Throne Room. Like his creator, Touch Me, Sebas Tian has a great deal of personal justice. Unlike many other denizens in Nazarick, he does not completely despise humans or see them as inferior creatures. Instead, he believes that some humans are good people and it is the duty of the strong to protect the weak. However, humans with an ugly nature disgust him and he will not hesitate to kill anyone who dares to oppose Nazarick. Sebas has a stoic nature, but also tends to question his own actions whether it was right or wrong of him to do them contrary to his master's order. Not sure why he does it, Sebas does believe that Touch Me's will is what encouragingly motivates him to act the way he does and that it conflicts with the will of his current master.

Top 6: Brago (Gash Bell)

Brago (ブラゴ, Burago), alongside his partner and bookkeeper Sherry Belmont, are considered the rivals of the main characters Zatch Bell and Kiyo Takamine, even though the teams fought a relatively small amount of times. Since their first appearance, they were one of the most powerful teams in the series, and have been seen burning more spellbooks than any other one. Brago is very quiet and is rarely seen socializing with other mamodos, he is often described as being "strong and cool". He is often seen crossing his arms or sticking them in his pockets. Not much is revealed about his life or personality, other than he resents weakness and especially requiring a human's help to win the demon kingship. However, despite often complaining that Sherry is too weak to help him, he thanks her for all that she has done for him in the final battle. He is extremely strong, often defeating other mamodo teams without even requiring the use of spells; because of his strength, which was gained from undergoing special elite training, many mamodo have come to fear him as one of the strongest. Brago's specialty is Gravity Magic.

Top 5: Guts (Berserk)

Guts (ガッツ Gattsu) , renowned as the "Black Swordsman", is a former mercenary and branded wanderer who travels the world in a constant internal struggle between pursuing his own ends and protecting those dear to him.

At one time driven solely by his will to survive, Guts finds purpose in life upon joining the Band of the Falcon, greatly helping in the faction's storied successes during the Hundred-Year War as captain of the band's raiders. He eventually becomes dissatisfied with clinging on to Griffith's dream, and departs from the band in pursuit of his own. Following the horrors of the Eclipse prompted by Griffith, Guts embarks on a two-year war against the God Hand and apostles, becoming increasingly embittered on his one-track quest for retribution. He in time realizes protecting his regressed lover is more important to him, as well as something he cannot do alone, and thus seemingly abandons his quest for revenge while fostering camaraderie with his new companions. Known for his air of austerity, Guts is a gruff, cynical man holding an overall bleak outlook on life. This is a consequence of enduring waves of suffering and numerous betrayals since his youth, with nearly all highlights of his life having, in time, become lows. In spite of his guarded, brooding exterior, he shows a more easygoing, compassionate side around the people he trusts, appearing markedly less unsociable and distant, though still retaining his dry candidness. Even as his inner darkness festers deep within him and its temptation becomes increasingly harder to resist, he retains his empathy and compassion, refusing to completely discard his humanity.

Top 4: Akemi Homura (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)

Homura Akemi (暁美 ほむら Akemi Homura) is one of the main characters in the Puella Magi Madoka Magica series. Ever since her arrival at Mitakihara Middle School, Homura is immediately depicted as being very intelligent, athletic, distant, and cold. It is revealed in episode four that she is only like this because she has seen so much suffering during her tenure as a magical girl. Because of this, she does not want Madoka Kaname to become a magical girl and tries to do anything in order to stop her from making a wish with Kyubey, going as far as to attempt to injure and even kill the cat-like creature. Despite her cold attitude towards others, she still very much cares for Madoka, as it is her sole objective to protect her due to the countless amount of blood, sweat, and tears she has shed over her jumps in time. Despite being regarded as emotionless by Sayaka Miki, Homura is far from it. Although she does not easily show signs of remorse, sadness, or pity, it is only because she had grown used to the suffering around her, and must put up a strong front to continue fighting for her goal. Homura herself has stated that she always feels badly with each life she's unable to save or alter, but nevertheless, it does not slow her down from staying true to her main objective in saving Madoka Kaname.

Top 3: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez (Bleach)

Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez (グリムジョー・ジャガージャック, Gurimujō Jagājakku) is an Arrancar and was the Sexta (6th) Espada in Sōsuke Aizen's affiliated army. While appearing to be a laid-back individual, Grimmjow possesses a brutal, impulsive, and excessively violent personality alongside a lethally short temper. However, despite his aggression and obvious blood lust in battle, Grimmjow possesses a feral cunning and has a knack for quickly exploiting any opening his opponent reveals. In addition, he is blunt, sarcastic and quite sadistic, revealing a psychotic grin or laughing maniacally whenever he becomes excited. He is also very rude and quite disrespectful. Grimmjow uses none of the honorifics in the Japanese language, except when addressing Aizen (though he is quick to discard the formality when Aizen is not around), and refers to Orihime Inoue as woman in conversation. Grimmjow displays little respect for authority and says whatever is on his mind, regardless of whether or not it is appropriate. However, he does have some form of a code of honor, as he is unwilling to fight an injured Ichigo, bringing Orihime to heal him beforehand so that their battle will be a fair one, though he also wants to defeat Ichigo when he is at full strength.He also saves Orihime from Loly Aivirrne and Menoly Mallia, who were beating her up, to repay the debt of restoring his arm, though he immediately demands another favor afterwards.

Top 2: Kujo Jotaro (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure)

Jotaro Kujo (空条 承太郎 , Kūjō Jōtarō) is the protagonist of Part 3 and also appears in Parts 4-6. Jotaro is the third and most recurring JoJo of the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure series.

Jotaro is a delinquent who lives an ordinary life until the Joestar Family's old enemy, DIO, returns. Jotaro travels to Egypt in order to save his mother and stop the Vampire once and for all.

Wielding the incredibly powerful Star Platinum, Jotaro is the first JoJo introduced with a Stand, and is among the most well-known characters of the series. Jotaro is introduced as a rough delinquent, but he has a gentle heart, and is loyal to those he likes. He is highly perceptive, intelligent and quick-witted while keeping a perpetually cool, slightly neutral or disinterested attitude. Jotaro's most noticeable trait is his seemingly aloof nature. He is a quiet individual, often satisfied with expressing himself in short phrases. While he was shown to be mildly anxious when something unanticipated happens, Jotaro almost never goes as far as to lose his cool.

Top 1: Charlotte Katakuri (One Piece)

Charlotte Katakuri ( シャーロット・カタクリ , Shārotto Katakuri) is the second son and third child of the Charlotte Family and the elder triplet brother of Daifuku and Oven. He is also one of the Three Sweet Commanders of the Big Mom Pirates and serves as Totto Land's Minister of Flour (粉大臣, Kona Daijin), governing over Komugi Island.

Due to his actions and role, he is the secondary antagonist in the second half of the Whole Cake Island Arc. Katakuri has a very serious, no-nonsense demeanor, caring greatly about his crew and family's objectives. With his heightened Kenbunshoku Haki allowing him to see a little bit into the future and make smart judgement calls, he is dedicated to efficiently dealing with all possible threats within his vicinity, and is thus among the few Charlotte children that can be seen taking action without instructions from Big Mom herself. Katakuri is a pragmatic individual who puts efficiency above almost everything else, to the point of being considered a perfectionist. He rarely brags about his abilities, instead being rather focused on accomplishing his goals as fast as possible, intercepting and defeating his enemies in a quick, effective manner while prioritizing the elimination of threats he perceives as potentially serious, going as far as taking extra steps to ensure they are stopped in case his mother and siblings fail to do so. He is also capable of extreme brutality as shown when he pondered on how he should maim Luffy with his trident. Though ruthless to opponents, he is extremely caring towards his family and subordinates. Katakuri is also a honorable man who dislikes other people interfering with his fights. Though he considers Luffy his enemy and desires to eliminate him personally before he can become a threat, he wishes to defeat him fairly. After discovering that Flampe was the one attacking Luffy and lowering his performance in the fight, Katakuri injured himself in the same spot he injured Luffy to compensate and angrily shouted at Flampe for interfering in his fight.

#anime #fanart #Charlotte Katakuri #Grimmjow Jaegarjaquez #Kujo Jotaro #Akemi Homura #Guts Berserk #Brago #Sebas Tian #Kamina #Mikasa Ackerman #Olivier Mira Armstrong #One Piece #Bleach #Jojo's Bizarre Adventure #Puella Magi Madoka Magica #Berserk #Berserk Manga #Zatch Bell #Gash Bell #Konjiki No Gash Bell #Overlord #Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann #Gurren Lagann #Attack On Titan #Shingeki No Kyojin #Fullmetal Alchemist #Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood

[bellamygateoldblog]

best and worst relationships?

There’s a lot of varables to consider here, and I’m feeling sick and bored out of my mind, so i’m going the long way round. This is a nightmare to read on mobile, im so sorry.

‘Best’ and ‘Worst’ labels depend on a number of things:

— Story of the pairing

— General intrigue and how enjoyable their dynamic is to watch

— Chemistry of the two (or more) characters

— Presence (or lack of) valuable relationship qualities (is this relationship healthy according to the world it exists in?)

and the importance of each of those differs from person-to-person.

Note: Sticking to popular relationships. I’ve blocked names, but I’m also throwing it under a Read More because it’s long and negative. It’s largely anticlarke because she’s a terrifying character and her mere existence derails most of her dynamics. Ship and like whatever you like, I hate fandom gatekeeping. But you asked so let’s go.

There’s also no order to this. Welcome to chaos land.

Best ‘Best’ List: objectively good relationships

— Linctavia

— Marper 

— Spacekru

— David and Nate Miller

— Raven and Sinclair

Unconditional love, mutual respect and support, found family, would die (and live) for the other. I can’t find fault in them.

Memori

I had a bit more to say about this one because there’s something so highly romantic in two people abandoned by their clan, cast out, finding each other in a literal desert wasteland. Like they’re each other’s oasis. In meeting Emori, Murphy finally found acceptance after spending far too long alone, and being told he was worthless by people who’s approval meant something. And Emori having someone prepared to do whatever it takes to protect her and make her happy is everything I could’ve wanted for her. They’re so deeply in love.

Best List

Becho (pre-season six)

Your local enemies-to-lovers. partnership over co-dependency. Compromise. Affection and emotional support from both sides. Willing to throw themselves right into line-of-fire for the other. A cut ‘i love her’ scene which i’ve personally decided wasn’t cut. I LOVE THEM.

Arguments against:

- ‘killed’ Gina (moreso she aided her death) while acting on orders from her superiors

- ‘killed’ Octavia while acting on orders from her superiors

- killed Ilian/ attempted to help Roan win conclave over Octavia

- almost killed Clarke (season five)

- happened offscreen

Arguments to discredit previous arguments because I’m sick and tired of seeing them in the pro tags:

- Echo was Bellamy’s enemy through those first three listed events. Bellamy had no reason to expect loyalty or respect, or anything else from her. She was always looking out for her people just as Bellamy was his own. That was quite clear.

- In fact she actually tried to help Gina because she was important to Bellamy, apologised that she couldn’t and did save Bellamy’s life despite their enemy status.

- ‘killing’ Octavia was not in cold blood. It was actually an accident.

- This one is nonsense. She wanted to kill Clarke during season five “even though she’s important to Bellamy”…after she just left him to brutally die and held Echo and her family at gunpoint and threatened to kill them. Context matters.

- not a fan of the time jump either, but if you’re able to accept the Madi-Clarke relationship which also developed offscreen, you can deal with this one.

Hard to talk about this one without defending it. Echo deserves better than season six Bellamy, who would abandon her in order to chase a woman he knew for 6-ish months 6 years ago. I say it’s his loss.

Jonty

It was a beautiful relationship and then a beautiful breakdown of one. I really enjoyed their dynamic. About to get controversial and suggest Monty could’ve taken a different approach with Jasper. I’ve never committed genocide and had to learn to live with it while watching my best friend suffer from the decision, but I do have clinical depression and somewhat relate to Jasper. There was this scene, where in the background you see Jasper go to hug Monty goodbye and he avoids it. It was such a small but sad detail. I felt Monty wanted Jasper to deal with his grief in a certain way and got frustrated when he didn’t. Sometimes he could be insensitive and blaming, and i think had there been more communication their friendship could’ve been very healing for the both of them. I think we learn at one point Jasper actually thought Monty was “fine” and didn’t even realise or understand that Monty hurt too. Jasper had this tendancy to only consider his own feelings, and this put a rift between them. Tough love doesn’t work for everyone, and I think Monty’s sometimes cold approach held that rift in place. The simple fact that both sides are so easy to understand and empathise with, and that this gradual undoing of what was once an incredibly strong bond was inevitable, made watching it all wonderfully bittersweet.

Zaven

This was good, but it was so rushed it made me bitter towards them. While it was Raven being thrown with yet another random guy, this did strike me as much more meaningful than her fling with Wick and I think it would’ve been a lovely relationship had it been able to continue. I think this was that love Raven deserved. It’s a damn shame it was used as just another level of torture for her. I think if they had let it develop more naturally and not been so full-on so soon, and of course if the actor hadn’t opted to leave the show, this would’ve been up on my best ‘best’ list.

Dropping this here: being intelligent isn’t actually important when pairing Raven up. Fandom acts like she needs someone “on her level” or “at her speed” (shudders), someone to challenge her, which has always come across as very demeaning of characters with less intellectual capacity, as if they’re less than Raven because of this when they are absolutely not. This mentality also denies Raven of partners that can value her and treat her well just because they aren’t Stephan Hawking. A romance isn’t a competition or a class project. Shaw was good for her, not because of what his brain could do, but because of who he was.

Bellamy and Octavia

This bitch toxic, YEET. I adore it. I really do. It’s such an intriuging and complex dynamic. The poisonous nature of their relationship is neither of their own faults, they’re both a victim of their own circumstances and, in Octavia’s case, a lack of socialisation and, by extension, non-understanding of grey area is also intrinsicaly linked to it. They truely love one another, but aren’t learned in how to show this in healthy ways. Makes that back-and-forth an entertaining watch.

Main grievance:

Beating your brother bloody while he’s chained down and unable to defend himself against you is disturbing and inexcusable in any context, and whether or not you’re grieving is irrelevant.

Neutral List

C//exa

Placing this one here just because i don’t care about this relationship, but did like bits and pieces. I think this one ended before it even started. For me most of it’s appeal is in the gradual moulding of the dynamic and the many phases it went through. I did find intrigue in that journey. However the fact the show reminds me at least a few times a season that Lexa was the one has me digging my heels in. I hate being told what to think.

I don’t really remember it all that well so I don’t necessarily have strong opinions. I know some people do. At this point in the show I was growing more and more annoyed with Clarke, and eventually i went from liking Lexa to being indifferent to her, so a dynamic consisting of them both was the least interesting thing in the world to me by the time it started heating up.

I will say this is probably one of the only significant relationships Clarke has where she doesn’t ultimately have more power than the other half. There isn’t a mechanism there that allows one to use to do harm to the other to advantage themselves; Lexa is the commander, but Clarke is constantly pushing back and Lexa respects and listens to what she has to say. There is literally a shot of Clarke backing the most powerful person on the ground into a table. I think Clarke was a positive influence on Lexa, but during this time Clarke was slipping into worse and worse versions of herself.

Some thoughts:

I found it was innappropriate for Clarke, as a leader of her people who’s primary concern is supposed to be what’s best for them, to have become romantically involved with the commander of the people they hadn’t a stable relationship with, and who ultimately has the power to strip them of all freedoms. It’s so easy for those romantically and sexually charged feelings to cloud and confuse what are extremely important considerations to be made about the people back home. It wasn’t a very responsible relationship.

On the flipside of that, from this relationship Lexa was convinced to grow into peace. Which is quite obviously a positive affect. Though I found it was odd that Clarke, just a random teenage girl from space, would be (successfully) telling the commander how to manage her people when she herself was not at home overseeing the climate of her own. It just has some very weird implications.

Lexa’s betrayal at mount weather, actually a very silly and counter-productive decision, was what forced Clarke to lose her humanity in what was the most traumatic event of her entire life. The fact it was forgiven so easily was hard for me to get over.

M//rphamy

Season five was good for them. It seemed as if they’d grown, were much closer, more respectful, and more affectionate. Then season six happened, and Bellamy was back to treating Murphy like he was beneath everyone. He started again to talk about how therapeutic it would be to hurt him, as he has, physically, many times in the past. Just tearing open old wounds at this point. In season five he reminded Murphy he wasn’t worthless, that he did belong with the group, but in season six he went back on all that, and put Clarke ahead of him at every turn, and prioritied her feelings over his very real pain. They’ve had a complicated history of violence, usually coming from Bellamy’s more hot-headed side.

I put this here because it’s an immensely compelling dynamic. These characters work well together, there’s heaps of chemistry and allure in each of their interactions. It’s just an entertaining time whenever they share scenes. But despite that, I don’t know where I stand with them and I don’t know where they stand with each other as of season six.

Worst List

Be//arke

There is a mess of negative thoughts inspired by this relationship about proportionate to the amount it’s shoved in my face. Clarke is just no good for Bellamy. Is the concise way of putting it.

Here’s a list of some of them which I usually like to bury deep inside my head for sanity purposes:

Ignoring whether or not actions were for the people/the only option and focusing solely on how the relationship is affected by them regardless

- Clarke has a tendancy to view the most important person (pre-season five) in Bellamy’s life as necessary collateral damage. She has brought/almost brought harm to Octavia on multiple occasions, the two most notable being TonDC and the conclave. Both while being on the same side as Bellamy from a political standpoint, and both while his friend who he had reason to expect affirmation, consideration, and loyalty from. Clarke betrays those key values. This happens again in season five when Clarke’s Plan-A solution is to “take her out.”

( this is also what sets her apart from Echo, who was never in the position to make her own choices. Clarke has that agency and control that Echo’s superiors had, but never Echo. )

- and saying that, I think it’s incredibly hard for Clarke to maintain any meaningful relationships being in the position she’s in. How do you have friends when you have to always put them second?

- speaking of the conclave, Clarke held Bellamy at gunpoint in order to prevent him saving his sister’s life. She said she “didn’t pull the trigger” and that was that. All is forgiven. However she did pull the trigger in what was an attempt to scare him into submission so I really don’t even know what to say here. The writers kinda forgot?

- they aren’t equal. They haven’t been co-leaders since season one. He was demoted almost immediately to second-in-command beneath Clarke. Clarke is the leader, the literal head. She makes the choices while Bellamy gets her out of the trouble she usually gets herself into, risking himself and others in the process. It’s a racist trope. It’s the ‘white princess and her brown knight.’ She has agency and power and he’s her loyal soldier, subordinate. Inequality isn’t inherently a bad thing but this power imbalance between them is utilised in harmful ways.

- speaking of “the good knight by his queen’s side,” this comes across as codependency. Clarke relies on Bellamy’s support, validation and loyalty, while ‘the heart needs the head to tell it to beat.’ That’s paraphrased from season six, that’s an actual line in the show. Bellamy needs her to guide him, to “keep [him] centred,” that’s another line from the show. That’s still not enough? He literally tells us in season six that he needs her, and has needed her in the past if his psychosis episode is anything to go by. He has impeccably low self esteem and views himself less than. I mean if you need further convincing of they’re inequality, just look to their places on the ark which are quickly reinstated once it reaches the ground. Clarke is upper class, she’s later the daughter of the chancellor, she comes from a loving family, from one of (if not, the) more well-off stations, she’s educated and she has passions, but Bellamy? From the poorest ark station, raised by an emotionally abusive mother, a janitor, his whole motivation his entire life has been to love and protect Octavia. I think a lot of this devotion he has for her comes from a place of idolisation, of seeing something in her he wants for himself.

- now this ugly trope could also come from an absense of Octavia. The moment they get to the ground Octavia is on a journey of self-discovery. And eventually, she becomes her own protector, and she finds a home in Lincoln. So naturally Bellamy looks for the closest relationship he can find that resembles that old one. It’s Bellamy and Clarke. Now, instead of Octavia, he’s driven by and found purpose in protecting Clarke. In fact, the Clarke-Bellamy dynamic has so many similarities to the Octavia-Bellamy one I can absolutely see the sibling like quality to Be//arke.

- Clarke abandons Bellamy after mount weather. She leaves because she can’t bare the reminder of “what [she] did to get them here.” So she leaves and instead Bellamy is the one forced to see the faces of the 48 every day, reminding him of what he did to get them there. Clarke comes across as completely oblivious in this entire situation. Bellamy and Monty are both written using the word “we” to refer to the mount weather genocide, but Clarke? It’s “I” and “me” every time. It’s as if she truely believes she’s the only one suffering from it, she’s bearing it so they don’t have to, except that isn’t true at all and that fact is so painfully clear. Later she tells him she knew she could leave because the people had him, but who did Bellamy have? He dealt with that weight and that grief alone because the only other person who could possibly understand, the one who pulled the lever with him, ran away. After she had convinced him not to in season one. She then comes back informing him she’d been acting on behalf of her people in Polis, without the people’s own knowledge or consent, but i digress, and he’d just ruined everything. So much for co-leaders. And he blows up at her, and we see how badly this action hurt him.

- In season five she leaves him to die out of spite and took her daughter to the people he saved her from at the beginning of the season. It could’ve been avoided, but she decided to punish him. That’s all it was. Don’t give me none of that “I had to!!!” she screams in season six to mindspace!Octavia. Bellamy was forced into role of father at just 6 years old and has proved time and time again he was prepared to risk it all in order to protect his child, there was nobody more equipped to handle Madi than him and her yelling in his face that he couldn’t understand was perhaps the biggest betrayal of them all.

- In season five she tortured and almost murdered his entire family. After switching sides again at the end of the season, all this pain inflicted was meaningless. You can talk all you want at me about Clarke’s *reasons* but all she did was take the path of most destruction towards the same end-point. It was just unnecessary violence caused because she had this desperation to take the wheel.

- all of this works because the writing is always in Clarke’s favour. The show is framed in a way that makes Clarke sympathetic, emphasises how much causing others pain hurts her, and that means that she’s never held to any of these actions, she might get a stern talking to but she’s forgiven insanely easily and allowed to go on with no actual change.

Pr//ncess M//chanic

Unfortunately, from what i’ve gathered, there’s a lot of racism in this one just as there is in Be//arke. I mean the entire nature of the relationship relies on the elevation of Clarke and the narrative power to demote Raven to ‘second best’ and prop over and over again. Raven, a girl who works her ass off to make most of the victories in the show possible, actually spoke the words “she saved us again” after launching a pod from an exploding planet into space and fixing the ark while space walking. It’s mindblowing. Raven’s (and others’) successes are handed to Clarke on a silver platter and we’re just meant to eat that up and blindly accept that Clarke is our one true saviour. I’m not going into this because it makes me feel sick and Raven deserved better.

Unrelated thoughts:

I don’t see their relationship as friendly at all post-season two. I got the impression Raven actually didn’t like Clarke, but it was all very complicated.

I also think it’s terribly convinient Raven never found out the true nature of Clarke’s relationship with Lexa because I don’t believe she would’ve ever been okay about Clarke again if she had (if the writers were going for realistic).

Madi/Clarke/Abby

Clarke strapped a torture device around her daughter’s neck for means of control and activated it under the guise of protection and that isn’t okay in any world or any context. Madi is a little girl who is dependant on Clarke and Clarke betrayed that trust. Those shock collars were used on her early in the season, she experienced the torture herself and still used it on her child. A lot of Clarke’s more unfavourable and/or unhealthy behaviours and characteristic are also present in Abby, which leads me to believe those are a product of her upbringing. Like mother like daughter, Abby also electrocuted Raven. Abby and Clarke have this strange rival-like relationship and I find it particularly cold, maybe because they’re so similar.

Abby and Raven

Abby has physically harmed Raven more than once. Out of anger and spite, or out of desperation. People hurting each other on this show is pretty standard and while this isn’t as overwhelming a mistreatment compared to others, her hitting Raven while she was acting chancellor was a pretty gross abuse of power. Its a visual display, with Abby’s imposing figure looming over a sitting and emotionally vulnerable Raven. We’re supposed to view this, i think, as mother-daughter. Abby says very early season one that Raven reminds her of Clarke, but she’s never shown treating Clarke in the way she does Raven. I liked the relationship during season one. From then and with Abby’s slow descent into villainy, not so much.

Ontari and Murphy

*She raped him. Next.

Cl//phy

Clarke is a cause/reason, whether direct or indirect, of a huge chunk of Murphy’s suffering, all of which she’s never been held accountable for due to Murphy’s position as undesirable. I, along with Murphy, had to be told she cares about him in season six because her otherwise complete disregard for his life has been pretty apparent.

Notable mention:

Chaining up him and Emori like dogs and promising to sacrifice the woman he loves, against her will, for the greater good after he saved her life. He has to beg her, plead with her and her almighty god complex, and it’s all quite uncomfortable and eery. (She later draws a picture of this event in her sketchbook which is…kinda weird.) And, in true Clarke fashion, she refuses to accept responsibility for this action and hides behind the same old trend of gaslighting and screaming “i had to!!!” I can’t root for a friendship between these two no matter how fun their back-and-forth can be. Especially since I can’t recall a single time they’ve shared a nice moment. Oh, and here’s a post about why Clarke and Murphy will never bond over isolation and survival.

*The clashing of Ontari and Murphy’s personalities was hilarious and I enjoyed watching them on screen together.

#the 100 #anticlarke #antibellarke #anti princess mechanic #anti bellarke #finally free of this question #the100meta #tw; child abuse #tw; rape #ro.answers

[dream-girls-evil]

⭐

Oh boy someone finally took pity and is gonna let me talk about The Lovers XD

This project got...SO much bigger than intended. It started as a funny crack idea I sent to another CAOS blog about Lilith freaking out about Adam and asking Zelda to be her fake girlfriend. And then I actually started thinking about it, and it has now turned into a four-part series. And it’s going to be angsty. Crack and angst, that’s my brand.

The titles for the series, The Lovers, is a reference to the tarot card. It represents a choice to be made in one’s romantic life, one that often has serious consequences and might be irreversible. It’s going to come into play on both a literal and metaphorical level. We never saw Zelda’s third card in the Tarot episode, and with what I’m setting up, The Lovers will be fitting. But it’s also just a theme of this series--Zelda and Lilith both wanting to choose each other and not always being able to, and the consequences there are for their choices.

The titles for each part of the story, after several re-labelings, come from the song Deep End by Birdy. They are 1) Can we just pretend? 2) I wish they’d told me, 3) How do we mend? and 4) If you mean everything. The titles as well as the general vibe of the song itself should give you a really good idea of the tone and content of this fic. There’s a lot of longing and love but also regret. I actually first heard this song on a Zelith video (here), and while my story is very different than the one the video portrays, it’s themes and hopeful ending are really what inspired me to use the lyrics. I also love this song because it’s not strictly and obviously about romantic love, and neither is this fic. It’s going to be a very slow burn to their eventual relationship, because it’s really important to me that they truly bond as friends and get to know each other as people first. Right now, they each need a friend and confidante much more than a romance, and part of what I think gives them so much potential as a couple is how similar and well-suited to each other they are on those basic levels first and foremost.

Everything else below the cut!

Can we just pretend?

Oh, so much to say about this fic. I love fake dating fics, it’s just a hilarious trope with so much potential for awkward and absurd situations. Plus, I know there are several in this fandom, but they’re all AUs, and I think one of the fun parts of setting one in the CAOS universe is that Lilith and Zelda are trying to fool each other just as much as everyone else. Their motives are really layered and at odds, which is great to watch since they are both so good at acting and manipulating, so in the course of trying to play each other they find that they’ve kind of met their match and enjoy the challenge. 

For Zelda, on the surface (and what she tells Lilith), her central motivation for everything is still trying to gain power within the church, and with Blackwood still being her best route to do that, she wants to use this fake relationship to make him jealous. Really, it’s just adding another layer to the pressure she puts on him to make their relationship legitimate. But also, she has reason to want to keep him away for the moment: Leticia. Then, finally, of course, she just wants to stay close to Lilith because she’s suspicious and hopes that if they spend time together, she’ll be able to monitor and limit Lilith’s interactions with Sabrina, plus improve her chances of catching the woman in a lie. 

This part of the series takes place starting with the events of A Midwinter’s Tale and ending a little after The Epiphany, and you’re all in for a wild ride. There’s lots of shenanigans, but also a lot of softness and angst--and that’s where the layered meaning of the title comes in. It is obviously humorous because this is the question Lilith asks Zelda in the beginning--”please pretend to be my girlfriend and help me out”--but as things go on and the two of them start to actually bond, it takes on another context. A fake relationship needs a fake break up, and they both know that once that happens, things are really going to change. Zelda will pursue Blackwood, and Lilith will continue doing whatever the Dark Lord asks her to do with Sabrina. There’s not really going to be room in their lives for this real friendship that’s formed, but they want to pretend they’ll make it work. Whoops, started with crack then gut-punched you with feelings. 

Anyway, there will be bed sharing, Hilda completely misinterpreting things, a whole side plot with Vinegar Tom, awkward dinner dates, temperamental telekinesis, and hide and seek in the mortuary! Yaaay!

I wish they’d told me

So, this part is sad? Sorry. After their fake break up, they are both moving in different directions and really trying to pretend they don’t miss each other as much as they do. And while they are trying to hang on to their friendship, they choose their own plans over each other a lot. This also takes place over the remaining episodes from part 2, so there’s a lot of heavy content in general, and honestly, not much is going to change just because Zelda and Lilith are on better terms.

The thing with this section is that there will be a lot of added context to certain scenes. Blackwood’s passion play will be a direct dig at Lilith, and knowing Zelda was involved with it will make it hurt all the more. Lucifer giving Blackwood His blessing to marry Zelda will be to minimize her influence on Lilith as much as Sabrina. Lilith’s tricks with the tarot cards and her glamour of Edward will be to try and help Zelda as much as for her own ends. 

The only really big thing that changes is that without Adam and his offer of taking Lilith to Tibet, the awful dinner scene will be replaced with Lucifer taunting Lilith about what Zelda is going through, since it lines up with the honeymoon. But don’t expect Lilith to save her, unfortunately, because she’s terrified of what Lucifer would do to both of them if he found out she interfered. Plus, she is conscious that it would bring up a lot of questions if she did, like how she knew Zelda was in trouble, and she’s afraid of that, too. Which brings us to the end of part 2 where, obviously, everyone finds out who Lilith really is, and it’s much worse because they all genuinely care about her and trusted her.

On the bright side though, we will see Lilith’s relationship with Sabrina, and the Fright Club and Spellman family by extension, improve, and how that affects them both. It’s going to get very awkward for her at times listening to Sabrina and Hilda treat her like Zelda’s ex and lament their break up, but they’ll also show her a lot more care and consideration and go to her for help more, which is a very odd experience for Lilith.

How do we mend?

Part 3! Kudos to everyone who’s actually read this far, because I know it’s literally a fucking essay. Anyway, as should be obvious from the title, this largely deals with Zelda and Lilith trying to figure out their feelings for each other in the aftermath of Lucifer’s imprisonment. On the one hand, Lilith’s betrayal is a lot more personal for Zelda. On the other hand, because she knows Lilith a lot better, she realizes a lot more of the truth about Lilith’s relationship to Lucifer and exactly what she went through. So Zelda is dealing with a lot of guilt and confusion about what was real and what could have been done differently and how she actually feels about Lilith after it all. So, again, we have a lot of added context to some of her actions, like deciding to have the coven pray to Lilith.

Meanwhile, Lilith is just lonely. She’s got her crown, but she’s also lost the first people who ever really respected and cared for her, even if they didn’t really know her. She wants to talk to Zelda and explain but doesn’t feel it’s her place. Bring on the yearning. Eventually they will be brought back together though, and that’s the start of this series really diverging from canon, because Lilith’s relationships to everybody is going to change how they handle a lot of events. Plus, I just really want to do a better job with Mary’s plotline and the pagans’ portrayal than canon.

They’ve got a lot to work through and work out, and will finally have to really confront and examine their feelings for each other, especially with some of the very emotional things they go through. They’re very protective of each other, and I love it. Another interesting thing will be when Marie comes on the scene and shows interest in Zelda. I haven’t quite decided how I’m going to play that dynamic yet, but I do know that it’s not going to be one of jealousy or competition. I’m not into that. They’re all mature adults perfectly capable of respecting each other’s boundaries and choices.

If you mean everything

Finally! Part 4 is the least planned out, since it’s so far in the future and so reliant on how the pacing of part 3 works out, which I don’t know yet, and also whatever I take from part 4 of the show, which I don’t know yet. But I do really want the main focus to be on Lilith and Zelda working through their respective traumas in the context of their relationship. They’ve both been through a lot, and they need to learn how to talk about it with each other. And I think that they’ll still be having some trouble coming to terms with the intensity of their feelings, because love isn’t something that’s been abundant in either of their lives really, and it has a way of changing your priorities even if you didn’t plan on it. I do think this part will probably end up being shorter and more like an epilogue. I’m definitely not going with the pregnancy storyline, so Lucifer/Blackwood will probably end up captured at the end of part 3 unless I can think of another way to have them escape or separate them.

WOW this was literally so much, let me know if you made it through! XD

I hope it was somewhat interesting. I didn’t even try not to give any spoilers because I’m me and overshare. But I hope it got everyone excited for this story and inspired to keep bugging me about writing it, because I need it.

#caos #zelda spellman #lilith #caos fanfiction #zelith #madam spellman #caos lilith #tomorrownevercame #the lovers (tomorrownevercame) #the lovers part 1 #can we just pretend? (tomorrownevercame)

[theotherboywhonevergrewup]

My Top Songs of 2019

It’s that time of the year again when I take a look back at all the great music that was released throughout the year and choose my top 10.  Quick disclaimer as usual: These are not what I think are the best songs of the year.  They’re not even my favorite songs of the year.  They’re simply the top 10 songs that have defined my year.  (See the end if you’re interested in the rules of the selection of this top 10; also, most of this was written in 2019 but some was written in 2020).

10. “Think About Us” - Little Mix featuring Ty Dolla $ign

“When you're dancin' in the club And the nights are getting hard Do you think about us?”

Everyone knows that I have a weakness for girl groups.  UK’s Little Mix isn’t exactly my favorite, but admire how strongly they’ve stuck together as a group.  Their chemistry is undeniable, both as people and as vocalists.  To me, “Think About Us” was the standout track from last year’s LM5, and the addition of Ty Dolla $ign was the little shove it needed to be great.  The girls shine with their vocal prowess both on their solos and together on the chorus, and Ty$’s verse splits the track nicely.  The accompanying video is mesmerizing.  Each of the girls look absolutely stunning, and they have individual sets representing the different parts of a relationship, with Perrie as the butterflies-in-my-stomach beginning and Jade as the icy, cold end.  The lyrics are quite vague, but I think that’s the intention.  It’s applicable to any stage of a relationship; it could be a love song or a break-up song.  With it’s fun beat, it’s hard to pick if you want to dance to it, belt it out, or try to do both, but it’s definitely been an infectious part of 2019!

9. “Lonely for You” - Armin van Buuren featuring Bonnie McKee

“No, you're never gonna see me cry I already got a brand new life Don't you know I'm moving on And everyday I'm stronger? I don't even know you're gone”

The Netherlands’ Armin van Buuren has a recipe to get trance music to pull at your heart, and one piece that makes this apparent is “Lonely for You.”  With the assist from US’s pop hit writer Bonnie McKee, this track is different yet familiar, a haunting disconnect to match the mixed feelings of the lyrics.  From light synths to disco-esque drums to pure piano, Van Buuren’s track pushes and pulls the same way the tumultuous narrator’s lyrics go back and forth, with McKee’s vocals surfing on the top.  The music video has a couple choreography emphasizing the push-and-pull theme, and McKee looks fantastic as usual.  Van Buuren’s Balance is full of more emotionally-rich tracks for both happy and sad times, many of which utilize beautiful piano to highlight amazing vocals.  “Lonely for You” is an altogether addictive track that was perfect for all the lonely nights of 2019.

8. “Antidote” - Mr Hudson

“You of all people After all we've been through Started out an angel And now you get away with murder”

As a huge fan of the UK’s Mr Hudson, I waited basically a decade for his sophomore album, and it did not disappoint.  While When the Machine Stops features several tearjerking songs, “Antidote” is on the next level.  The song takes the subject of betrayal and perfectly captures how trust can die.  The genius is in its simplicity.  Not a single instrument starts until the entire first verse is complete, letting the lyrics speak for themselves.  Even when the instruments do come in, it’s just soft percussion and synths.  As much as I love vocal runs and ad-libs galore, the straightforward melody had me humming this song for much of 2019.

7. “Me & You” - EXID

“Oh 야야야 더 이상 우리라는 말 하지 마마마 안 봐도 뻔하잖아 야임 마마마 지금 날 어디서 속이려 들어 그건 네 엄마마마 한테나 가서해 baby I don't care”

As I mentioned in last year’s post, 2018 was the year I fell in love with K-Pop, mostly due to Blackpink at the time.  As much as I love Blackpink (and got to see them live this year!), their limited discography didn’t leave much to be loved.  Enter EXID.  This group is stacked: arguably South Korea’s best female rapper in the game LE, one of the best vocalists Solji, and the girl who is absolutely beautiful, sexy, cute, and smart all at the same time Hani (who may or may not be my ultimate bias, sorry Rosé).  Their previous single “I Love You” missed my 2018 list because it was released so late in the year, but it turned out to be my most played song on Spotify this year.  In fact, several of their songs were on that list.  Like many of their previous singles, “Me & You” is an infectious dance track utilizing each member where they excel: Hani with her soft, sultry vocals, a splash of LE’s sick flows to split up the song, Hyelin’s powerhouse vocals to bring up the first chorus, Solji’s even more powerful vocals to take the song to its climax, and Jeonghwa on the dance break (low key kinda sounds like she’s singing “Baby Shark” but that’s a jam too I guess).  The duality of the track is what makes it stand out, with the pretty vocals and simple verses largely contrasting from the deep and dirtier synths of the dance break.  The video plays with this duality by featuring EXID as brides in white versus clubbing in neon.  The rest of the WE mini album isn’t quite as dance-y but is fun to vibe to nonetheless.  The group unfortunately may be over, since Hani and Jeonghwa are leaving their record label, but they’re at least sticking together for their activities in Japan for now.  So many more K-Pop hits were released this year, some of my favorites being Mamamoo’s “Gogobebe,” SEVENTEEN’s “HIT,” Super Junior D&E’s “Danger,” Park Bom’s “Spring,” KARD’s “Dumb Litty,” NCT 127′s “Highway to Heaven”, NCT Dream’s “Boom”, Ong Seongwu’s “Heart Sign,” and another release to be mentioned later on this list.

6. “Heartbreak” - Hunter Hayes

“Another, ‘Almost perfect’ Didn't work, but totally worth it Better to have loved and lost my mind Than lose the nerve to even try”

I remember watching the 2013 Grammy’s and watching Hunter Hayes lose all three of his nominations, at that point becoming the “Leonardo DiCaprio never wins an Oscar” meme to me and my friends.  He went on to lose two more nominations, but honestly, I always liked his music (and Grammy nominations are no small feat in the first place!).  While 2017 was technically the year I had my first date and 2018 was the year I had my first girlfriend, 2019 was the year that I really put myself out there and dated the most.  And yes, there was a lot of awkwardness and stupidity and mostly me messing up, but that’s just a part of life.  And “Heartbreak” perfectly captures all those feelings.  From the guitar to the bit of twang to the drums, this song is unabashedly fun country, and the optimistic lyrics always made me feel better.  It’s like a c’est la vie Rascal Flatts’ “Bless the Broken Road” before he found the girl. The accompanying video is also fun with a groundhog day theme as he tries to win over a girl.  The album as a whole is a fun listen, with “Dear God” being the other Wild Blue (Part I) standout to me.  Here’s hoping Part II comes out with some vibes in 2020!

5. “Tempo” - Lizzo featuring Missy Elliott

“He look like he could gain a little weight Lick the icing off, put the rest in your face”

Lizzo exploded this year, and I’m not mad about it.  She has confidence and charisma galore, and her resulting music is mad bouncy, earning her several Grammy nominations for next year, including Best New Artist.  Her songs like most of Cuz I Love You can be quite loud and in-your-face, which is fine, just not exactly my style.  However, get her on this more subdued R&B beat and throw in a Missy Elliott feature, I’m in.  This will make any upbeat R&B lover dance, and the music video is the kind of hot and fun you would expect (with a cowboy hat you may not expect).  Missy also made an imprint this year with Iconology which is her first group release since 2005′s The Cookbook.  I’ve always been a fan of her work, and this is a perfect feature for her.

4. “NONE of this has been about you” - Spencer Sutherland

“I'm afraid that you would hate me if you knew, That I've become insensitive, It's true, But even if you do”

Spencer Sutherland’s “NONE of this has been about you” off his debut EP of the same name has a lot of elements about it that I would personally want in a song of my own.  It starts off with a very simple piano and vocals with a tinge of soul.  As he continues to sing, he puts more soul and emotion into his voice, and splashes of harmonies start to come in.  A couple short riffs later and just a second before the drop.  Although, it’s not a dance drop.  A choir drops in for the chorus with some drums to announce that, in fact, none of this has been about you.  The song eventually escalates to Sutherland’s soaring ad-libs over the choir.  Beyond the musical stylings, I enjoy the message of this song.  Sure, the narrator is telling someone, possibly his lover, that his struggles are personal and not something she or he should worry about, but I also like to take it as a reminder not to always worry about others or what they are thinking.  For example, 2019 was the first full year I had an ex, and a lot of that time, I was worried about posting on social media because maybe she’ll think this or that is about her.  Honestly, I don’t recall ever “subtweeting” about her.  We’re good.  Any breakup song or black and white photo I post has nothing to do with her.  So this song is a nice reminder to keep it pushing and stay in your own lanes.  The remaining songs on Sutherland’s EP were all also on repeat throughout the year.  The man’s just got a solid voice, and I’m glad he’s continuing a soulful pop sound that is rarer than before.

3. “Beautiful goodbye” - Chen

“다시 시간을 되돌려 처음 만난다면 가로등 옆에 서 있지 말아요 미소 짓지도 왼손으로 머릴 넘기지 마요 그래야 내가 그대를 지나칠 테니까”

Now, when it comes to a piano and vocals, nothing dominated my year more than Chen, especially his debut solo single “Beautiful goodbye.”  I won’t repeat all the reasons why I love his voice so much (see last year’s post), but long story short, he’s my favorite male vocalist right now.  Don’t get me wrong, I love EXO and the energy they bring to their songs, but a full EP of just Chen really lets the listener feel his artistry, pulling on heartstrings every which way.  In this song, the narrator is recognizing that his relationship is dead but proposing that they can hold onto it just for a bit longer until they peacefully part in spring.  There’s a respect to their relationship and what it has done for them that they can take with them as separate people before they part ways.  Chen’s voice takes the listener on an adventure, starting soft and simple then escalating and crescendoing to unveil the hardened pain in his voice.  It’s not a sudden angry breakup, it’s more subtle and more somber.  In the end, his soft vibrato and the final notes of the piano leave the listener in just as an uncertain position as the narrator; is it better to hope it stays winter forever or hope for spring to come?  While I also wanted some upbeat songs from Chen, his April, and a flower EP followed by Dear my dear is chockfull of beautiful and emotional ballads.

2. “Never-ending Summer” - Cyn

“What if we don't ever have to say goodbye? I wanna keep living like we'll never die If you're mad then I'm mad too You're crying, I'm sad too I'll watch your back for you, watch mine”

Newcomer Cyn’s “Never-ending Summer” is, to me, an experience.  It took me a while to appreciate its simplicity, but then it became so addictive that it itself became never-ending.  The guitar or synth (or whatever that instrument is) plays on loop to emphasize the never-ending nature of the song and gives a dreamy vibe that’s somehow both modern and reminiscent of the 70s.  Cyn’s simple vocals evoke a carefree feeling reminiscent of running on the beach and all the accompanying imagery with her photoshoot and lyric video.  It makes sense that Cyn is part of Katy Perry’s record label Unsub Records, as this song feels somewhat like Perry’s hits off of Teenage Dream including “California Gurls” and the title track, albeit much more in Cyn’s own understated style.  This summer, I learned how to surf and have fallen deeper in love with the beach (even though a stingray stung me my last time there), and this song would keep the surfing mentality continuing throughout the year, even when it gets too cold for it to be summer (or, even if my foot is bleeding to death).  Doesn’t hurt that Cyn is unbelievably cute too.

1. “Lovebird” - Far East Movement featuring Lay

“I can sleep here alone, but you know it's better with you You could be by yourself, but you know it's better with two”

As I grow as a person and become more proud of who I am, I think it makes sense for me to become more proud of my Asian heritage as well as support Asians and Asian-Americans out there, especially in the music industry as music means a great deal to me.  That said, it’s important to me that I don’t support people just because they’re Asian as if it’s some kind of nepotism.  That kind of segregating mentality can also be unhealthy.  Far East Movement are technically a one hit wonder; they have yet to outdo their 2010 hit “Like a G6.”  However, this year I found out about their record label Transparent Music that has been around since 2016 with a goal of unifying eastern and western music.  Their previous album aptly named Identity features a ton of artists from both sides of the word, from Hyolyn and Loco to Macy Gray and Soulja Boy (shoutout to my favorite song on that album, “Freal Luv” featuring Tinashe and yet another EXO member, Chanyeol).  To me, music is about unification.  It is about bringing a deeper understanding through melody and rhythm.  Those are the simplest terms I can put it.  I hope this is evident through this list that I appreciate people and music from all kinds of backgrounds.  Even if my tastes lean one way or another from year to year, I hope my lists maintain diversity and well-roundedness.  Somehow, Far East Movement has managed to capture this sense of unification in “Lovebird,” featuring Chen’s EXO bandmate from China, Lay.  It’s not the most complex song; in fact, like many songs on this list, it’s quite simple.  The synth bends in a carefree way that celebrates togetherness along with the lyrics, and I find that beautiful.  2019 was a year of growth and life, and “Lovebird” was the perfect song to accompany it.

*To qualify for this list, the song must have been released this year.  An artist can only have one song on this list, excluding features.

#me

[dfroza]

they formed a lying accusation against a man

which has been commonplace in the treachery and betrayal of many in the sad History of this world and its sinful condition. for it is only the grace of our Creator who offers us a cure that is pure and a new True nature.

(inside, Anew)

this is the True illumination of the Son.

Today’s reading of the Scriptures from the New Testament is the 6th chapter of the book of Acts:

Things were going well, and the number of disciples was growing. But a problem arose. The Greek-speaking believers became frustrated with the Hebrew-speaking believers. The Greeks complained that the Greek-speaking widows were being discriminated against in the daily distribution of food. The twelve convened the entire community of disciples.

The Twelve: We could solve this problem ourselves, but that wouldn’t be right. We need to focus on proclaiming God’s message, not on distributing food. So, friends, find seven respected men from the community of faith. These men should be full of the Holy Spirit and full of wisdom. Whomever you select we will commission to resolve this matter so we can maintain our focus on praying and serving—not meals—but the message.

The whole community—Greek-speaking and Hebrew-speaking—was very pleased with this plan, so they chose seven men: Stephen (a man full of faith and full of the Holy Spirit), Philip, Prochorus, Nicanor, Timon, Parmenas, and Nicolas (a Greek-speaking convert from Antioch). These men were presented to the apostles, who then prayed for them and commissioned them by laying their hands on them. The message of God continued to spread, and the number of disciples continued to increase significantly there in Jerusalem. Even priests in large numbers became obedient to the faith.

Stephen continually overflowed with extraordinary grace and power, and he was able to perform a number of miraculous signs and wonders in public view. But eventually a group arose to oppose Stephen and the message to which his signs and wonders pointed. (These men were from a group called the Free Synagogue and included Cyrenians, Alexandrians, Cilicians, and Asians.) The Holy Spirit gave Stephen such wisdom in responding to their arguments that they were humiliated; in retaliation, they spread a vicious rumor: “We heard Stephen speak blasphemies against Moses and God.”

Their rumor prompted an uprising that included common people, religious officials, and scholars. They surprised Stephen, grabbed him, and hauled him before the council. They convinced some witnesses to give false testimony.

False Witnesses: This fellow constantly degrades the holy temple and mocks our holy law. With our own ears, we’ve heard him say this Jesus fellow, this Nazarene he’s always talking about, will actually destroy the holy temple and will try to change the sacred customs we received from Moses.

The entire council turned its gaze on Stephen to see how he would respond. They were shocked to see his face radiant with peace—as if he were a heavenly messenger.

The Book of Acts, Chapter 6 (The Voice)

Today’s paired chapter of the Testaments is the 5th chapter of Song of Solomon (Song of Songs) that continues the poetic book about sharing Love in a relationship:

[The Man]

I went to my garden, dear friend, best lover!

breathed the sweet fragrance.

I ate the fruit and honey,

I drank the nectar and wine.

Celebrate with me, friends!

Raise your glasses—“To life! To love!”

[The Woman]

I was sound asleep, but in my dreams I was wide awake.

Oh, listen! It’s the sound of my lover knocking, calling!

[The Man]

“Let me in, dear companion, dearest friend,

my dove, consummate lover!

I’m soaked with the dampness of the night,

drenched with dew, shivering and cold.”

[The Woman]

“But I’m in my nightgown—do you expect me to get dressed?

I’m bathed and in bed—do you want me to get dirty?”

But my lover wouldn’t take no for an answer,

and the longer he knocked, the more excited I became.

I got up to open the door to my lover,

sweetly ready to receive him,

Desiring and expectant

as I turned the door handle.

But when I opened the door he was gone.

My loved one had tired of waiting and left.

And I died inside—oh, I felt so bad!

I ran out looking for him

But he was nowhere to be found.

I called into the darkness—but no answer.

The night watchmen found me

as they patrolled the streets of the city.

They slapped and beat and bruised me,

ripping off my clothes,

These watchmen,

who were supposed to be guarding the city.

I beg you, sisters in Jerusalem—

if you find my lover,

Please tell him I want him,

that I’m heartsick with love for him.

[The Chorus]

What’s so great about your lover, fair lady?

What’s so special about him that you beg for our help?

[The Woman]

My dear lover glows with health—

red-blooded, radiant!

He’s one in a million.

There’s no one quite like him!

My golden one, pure and untarnished,

with raven black curls tumbling across his shoulders.

His eyes are like doves, soft and bright,

but deep-set, brimming with meaning, like wells of water.

His face is rugged, his beard smells like sage,

His voice, his words, warm and reassuring.

Fine muscles ripple beneath his skin,

quiet and beautiful.

His torso is the work of a sculptor,

hard and smooth as ivory.

He stands tall, like a cedar,

strong and deep-rooted,

A rugged mountain of a man,

aromatic with wood and stone.

His words are kisses, his kisses words.

Everything about him delights me, thrills me

through and through!

That’s my lover, that’s my man,

dear Jerusalem sisters.

The Song of Solomon, Chapter 5 (The Message)

our Creator’s view of sex is pure. but many in the world don’t view it in Love’s truth. and the bottom line for sex is that we are not supposed to be sexual with anyone of the same birth gender, nor to have sex outside the marital bond. for sex joins two bodies into “One” body and is not permitted to be shared outside this sacred Union. and people may feel like they love someone to open sexually in a relationship, or maybe they are just seeking to have sex with another, even to pay for it, but a sacred bond of bodies is still created regardless, and thus it is only meant for a marital and lifelong commitment. which is why virginity and patience is so sacred, no matter what individual hormones tell the body otherwise.

True Love is patient and kind.

“Don’t you understand that when your body is joined with a prostitute, the two of you have become one body? For as it says, “The two come together as one flesh.” But when you are joined with the Lord, you become one spirit with Him. Run from immoral behavior. All other sins are disconnected from the body, but sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who comes from God and dwells inside of you? You do not own yourself. You have been purchased at a great price, so use your body to bring glory to God!”

The Letter of 1st Corinthians, Chapter 6:16-20 (The Voice)

Today’s reading from the ancient book of Proverbs:

[Proverbs 5]

[Avoid Promiscuity]

Listen to me, my son,

for I know what I’m talking about.

Listen carefully to my advice

so that wisdom and discernment will enter your heart,

and then the words you speak will express what you’ve learned.

Remember this:

The lips of a seductress seem sweet like honey,

and her smooth words are like music in your ears.

But I promise you this:

In the end all you’ll be left with is a bitter conscience.

For the sting of your sin will pierce your soul like a sword.

She will ruin your life, drag you down to death,

and lead you straight to hell.

She has prevented many from considering the paths of life.

Yes, she will take you with her where you don’t want to go,

sliding down a slippery road

and not even realizing where the two of you will end up!

Listen to me, young men,

and don’t forget this one thing I’m telling you—

run away from her as fast as you can!

Don’t even go near the door of her house

unless you want to fall into her seduction.

In disgrace you will relinquish your honor to another,

and all your remaining years will be squandered—

given over to the cruel one.

Why would you let strangers take away your strength

while the labors of your house go to someone else?

For when you grow old you will groan in anguish and shame

as sexually transmitted diseases consume your body.

And then finally you’ll admit that you were wrong and say,

“If only I had listened to wisdom’s voice

and not stubbornly demanded my own way,

because my heart hated to be told what to do!

Why didn’t I take seriously the warning of my wise counselors?

Why was I so stupid to think that I could get away with it?

Now I’m totally disgraced and my life is ruined!

I’m paying the price—

for the people of the congregation are now my judges.”

[Sex Reserved for Marriage]

My son, share your love with your wife alone.

Drink from her well of pleasure and from no other.

Why would you have sex with a stranger

or with anyone other than her?

Reserve this pleasure for you and her alone and do not share it with another.

Your sex life will be blessed

as you take joy and pleasure in the wife of your youth.

Let her breasts be your satisfaction,

and let her embrace intoxicate you at all times.

Be continually delighted and ravished with her love!

My son, why would you be exhilarated by an adulteress—

by embracing a woman who is not yours?

For God sees everything you do and his eyes are wide open

as he observes every single habit you have.

Beware that your sins don’t overtake you

and that the scars of your own conscience don’t

become the ropes that tie you up.

Those who choose wickedness die for lack of self-control,

for their foolish ways lead them astray,

carrying them away as hostages—

kidnapped captives robbed of destiny.

The Book of Proverbs, Chapter (The Passion Translation)

A link to my personal reading of the Scriptures for Saturday, june 5 of 2021 with a paired chapter from each Testament of the Bible along with Today’s Proverbs and Psalms

A post by John Parsons that reflects upon life in this world, a temporal amount of time:

“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell” (C.J. Jung). The Book of Job tells the story of every person... We are all immersed into this world in ways beyond our control; we are all tested by troubles and afflictions of various kinds; we all argue with God in our ignorance and in the depths of our ignorance. We protest; we object; we bargain; and we lament until we are left in unknowing silence. We do not know why we suffer or the meaning of our suffering, but if, through our struggle, God lets us know that he is truly present, we are blessed and the miracle of acceptance occurs: we receive a “new name” and affirm from the heart “blessed are the poor in spirit...” “blessed are they that mourn...” “blessed are they that hunger and thirst...” Such godly sorrow produces "repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly sorrow produces death" (2 Cor. 7:10). God cannot speak to the proud of heart, since they feel no need for deliverance from themselves. "Those who believe they believe in God but without passion in the heart, without uncertainty, without struggle, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself" (Unamuno). The Spirit of the Lord proclaims good news to the poor, to the lowly, to the humble; the Lord binds up the broken heart, proclaims liberty to the captives, and he sets free those who are bound... [Hebrew for Christians]

6.4.21 • Facebook

Today’s message (Days of Praise) from the Institute for Creation Research

June 5, 2021

The Holy One of Israel

“So will I make my holy name known in the midst of my people Israel; and I will not let them pollute my holy name any more: and the heathen shall know that I am the LORD, the Holy One in Israel.” (Ezekiel 39:7)

This wonderful name of God, “the Holy One of Israel,” was often used during the days of the later kings of Judah. It occurs three times in the book of Psalms (Psalm 71:22; 78:41; 89:18) and then no less than 27 times in Isaiah. The name then occurs three more times (Jeremiah 50:29; 51:5; Ezekiel 39:7), with the final one being our text above (where the preposition is translated “in”). This unusual pattern can be written sequentially as 3 + 33 + 3 = 33, perhaps reflecting a divinely ordained design to suggest the Holy Trinity.

The strong emphasis on this particular name during the later period of Judah’s kingdom probably was because of the prevalent unholiness of the nation during those years, finally culminating in the captivity of Judah itself. God stressed again and again that He was the Holy One and that “ye shall be holy; for I am holy” (Leviticus 11:44).

This theme is prominent in most of the 33 passages where this majestic name is used, but it is especially emphasized in its final occurrence, as recorded in our text. The context of this latter passage is the prophesied invasion of Israel by “Gog, the land of Magog” who will “come up against my people of Israel...in the latter days” (Ezekiel 38:2, 16). At that time, says the Lord, “there shall be a great shaking in the land of Israel;...and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD” (Ezekiel 38:19, 23). Then at last, His people will never pollute His holy name any more and “the house of Israel shall know that I am the LORD their God from that day and forward....for I have poured out my spirit upon the house of Israel, saith the Lord GOD” (Ezekiel 39:22, 29). HMM

[exclassified]

III. An Acknowledgement

Any time the humiliation of betrayal suddenly becomes painfully vivid, I try my best to keep myself afloat. Because I have a thesis to finish, job vacancies to apply, and one more chance to seize the day that I should not waste. I can’t be the sad young adult who continuously struggles to make peace with her disastrous romance. Society demands 24/7 optimism that radiates effortlessly out of a young woman. I want to confirm what society wants by not faking it. But it’s a damn hard work to make it when I’m still consumed by the negative emotions. I loathe that my over-sensibility lets them attached inside. 

A close pal of mine semi-seriously suggested to release the repressed disappointment by going the most “evil” version of myself. Send the screenshot! Scream the truth one is hiding from!! Burst the bubble she’s been living in comfort!!!

However, I barely have the courage to execute that kind of plan. In fact, I was just one window chat away. I could have just gone brutally honest and burned the bridge. But the idea of tearing down another fellow young woman via messaging app sounds like something I would be ashamed of in the future. 

I already tried to reach her out for a super quick meet-up to come clean. To share the complete, uncensored version of the story. To tell her right in the face that I hold no more grudges. To let her know that if later our path cross each other’s in a professional setting, I won’t be hostile to her in any possible form. But it’s a request declined. Alas, it’s a pack of mixed feelings left unexpressed. 

If I could ever ask something in a very self-absorbed way, I didn’t want to live carrying any emotional baggage. I never had one until I was involved in this situation. I can’t stop blaming my lonely 22-year-old self for opening the door recklessly – I barely knew who was knocking at that time. 

I should have found more about their past, on-and-off relationship dynamic. I should have followed my intuition to opt out of the game the moment I realised I was just a rebound. I should have taken the red flags seriously when I knew sooner-or-later it’s going to be a toxic relationship that causes real, lasting damages. I should have researched better online (shout out to collective geniuses who create blogosphere) that they’re bounded by unresolved issues, that one of them will give it another try in the future —  which they eventually did with one hell of background story remains untold. 

It’s not that I regret 100% upon this ugly episode. I cherish the silent moment, the laughter, the tear-jerking argumentation we shared together. I draw some lessons out of falling too deeply with someone’s dream. I appreciate his help and occasional kindness. I learn in so many ways about what it’s like to cooperate with someone (who rarely put you in his top priority while you always do) on day-to-day basis. On top of that, I am completely aware that I can’t force someone’s feelings towards a relationship. Had he asked for an end, I’d have jumped off the ship voluntarily. Looking for my life vest a month or two. Then I’ll go sailing on my own. He didn’t and that’s where the fiasco began. 

It’s just this unpleasant, exhausting feeling that the only thing I can hold is the hope of time-will-heal. What if this time it’s expired? Or what if the only way to strip off this always-fresh wound is by getting the side of my story heard? 

I kinda keep a little fool, wishful thinking that compassion and curiosity will somehow move her to lend ears for me. I do want to listen to her side of the story, too – only if she let me, though. Maybe someday she will see that making a stranger’s little fool, wishful thinking comes true is a part of doing random act of kindness.

P.S. Hey, I am not trying to do any harm to anyone. It’s the last thing I have in mind to reach the last stage of grief. If you happen to stumble upon this page and finally considering that a stories exchange simply wouldn’t hurt,  I’m always available for a full disclosure.

Jakarta, March 3, 2017.

II. CLOSURE

I have never been through a series of mental breakdowns as much as I had in the last three months of 2016. It was real tough, romance wise. It was the most sickening emotional rollercoaster I’ve ever experienced — and I put the blame on my incapability of letting the hurts go. I keep them, hoping they’ll soon turn to be blessing in disguise.

I choose to stay in the game because who knows. I self-console that maybe this is worth the pain. That maybe someone whom I do care would eventually be a person I wish him to be.

I know all the formulas to cut off the whole thing: avoid any possible access of communication, talk to friends, meet new people, travel. As each days passing, none of them are helpful to eliminate myself from the equation.

It is just so hard to cross someone out of your life when you’ve found comfort in the daily companionship. Then, here you are bound to helplessness because you’ve tried patience but it didn’t work. 

You raise the bar of tolerance one inch at a time. You’ve tried empathy. You put yourself on the other shoes to share the burden from the past. You’ve tried kindness.

You choose love over hatred, compassion over resentment, big-heartedness over vengefulness. But these efforts are not really reaching closure. And that’s one lesson to learn from en route to adulthood: you’re not getting what you want. life is not according to your desired plan.

Growing up, I am not equipped to face this kind of hardship. A kind of hardship made from the feeling of being taken for granted, of being the one who is sitting on the bench, of being the un-chosen.

To digest these three without becoming a crybaby would be a milestone of my early 20. It’d be a litmus test of how immune I’ll be to the next major heartbreak.

It’d be a solid proof that I could throw myself into any interpersonal experiments and I wouldn’t be losing my grip. I’d be fine and I’d be just the same person only going in another direction. However, this is an ideal scenario I am failing to live up to.

Remember, the Clinton’s affair? I’ve been pondering how Hillary forgives his husband. What kind of man   —  who happens to be POTUS42  —  thinks betrayal is pardonable?

How long does it take for Bill to earn the trust back? Does Hillary still see him as the same person who make the vow to be a loyal and honest partner?

Does she write as a therapy? How is her coping mechanism? How does she react when she hears about Monica Lewinsky?

Is she suddenly in tears? Does her body ache? And my no.1 wonder is, have Bill already got his karma?

All in all, I did learn the hard way to conclude that any form of deep emotional attachment is a risky investment; the other party might not mean to hurt us but who gets to decide what is hurtful and what is not?

I also eventually prove that one famous saying “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” does not apply in certain relationship. We can’t expect grown-ups to grow empathy and treat their lovers decently.

That’s such a bitter realisation, but apparently that’s exactly how the human world works, I believe.  It is not that the path is against us – it is just the path.

Yogyakarta, January 21, 2017. 

I. 11 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Let Yourself Emotionally Ripped Apart

1. It keeps you awake at night for days or worse, weeks.

You’ll wake up staring at the mirror and curse yourself for dark circles that your cheap concealer is unable to cover.

2. It generates too much what-ifs during the sleepless period.

Unfortunately, this self-talk does not fix anything you ruined. It’s completely over and whoops, it is all too late, stone-headed!

3. It turns you to be overly melancholic.

You can’t listen to Linger by The Cranberries without immersing yourself in the lyric, the melody. All you want to do is singing your heart out.

4. It slaps you hard that “hey, deep emotions are exhausting to have, you know.”

You are overwhelmed and hardly handle the ups and downs then wondering why you just can’t quit being a grown-up.

5. It makes you feel you have a bad life while what you actually have is only a bad moment.

But, still. Bad is bad, right?

6. It haunts you in silence.

in your phone screen, sent e-mails, sponsored t-shirts, blue toothbrush, checkered sarong, hairy arms, and whatnot.

7. It reminds you about the cancelled plans.

The movie you were both about to watch, books reading session, a weekend getaway, grad-school prep, and so on.

8. It makes you sound like a broken record for recalling the whole story to every distant but close pals who throw “how are you doing?”

“Not as fine as the last time you saw me.”

“Tell me.”

*voice squeaks*

*tear drops*

9. It makes you realise that crying barely helps us to let a person go.

10. It freaks you out that years later you will be having a classic episode of permanent regret.

11. It tells you to expect timeless restlessness.

Look, next time, please do yourself a favour: pick a better fight. To be in a state of broken-beyond-repair should only happen once in a lifetime since once is a mistake and twice is a decision. 

Depok, February 29, 2016.

#personal