#uhhh tw for lots of gender talk i guess idk

[cryptidofthekeys]

Nigel and Frank

Alrighty! I’m posting my silly lil Pizza Tower OCs, are they perhaps too serious for a game like this? fgjkdjgfkd probably- I made Franks fucking horrifying ...Unintentionally technically but then when I thought about his appearance i was like

ah,, thats horrible- uhhh TWs for Murder (blame Frank for that one) and a Panic Attack

also if you see anything inconsistent ignore it fgjkdldkjfsd all my OCs change over time, also tried to work on them when I was still exhausted

but either way,, take these two while I work on the third and final one

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| Names: Nigel and Frank

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| Nicknames: Nigey (nigh-gee) and Franky or Franks

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| Genders: Nigel goes by He/They and Frank goes by He/Him

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| Ages: Idk specifics for ages for these idiots but they are adults

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| Heights: Nigel is 4’11” meanwhile Frank is 6’8”

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| Species/Races: Nigel is a Pizzard and Frank is one of those, idk if those things have a name unfortunately but its the weird butcher sausages in that one fnaf inspired level

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| Occupations: Nigel is a fucking W I Z A R D, they magic! And Frank is just,, a butcher

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| Eye Colors: Nigel’s eyes are just black pupils and Frank’s… Eugh… He just carved Xs for his eyes (no real reason for the Xs, it was just the easiest) and he even carved himself a mouth, don’t ask me how but he has razor sharp teeth (are they his? …Maybe)

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| Body Types: Nigel I guess is average? He’s just, a shadow dude- Frank is big and w i d e.

| Appearances: They’re appearances are nothing special- like… Literally they just wear the outfits they do in game because I’m too lazy to think of anything else, the funniest thing though, if you take Nigel’s cloak off- They are just a shadow figure, just eyeballs on a shadow-

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That’s about all I can say seeing as I’m not changing anything here sooo… (I only really changed the butcher sausage, giving Frank X eyes and teeth and a mouth)

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| Personality: Onto the personalities of these lads! So like,, Nigel knows he’s supposed to be an enemy to that,, weird pizza guy- Peppino? Yeah, that’s his name- …Weird… Name but aight- whatever- They literally do NOT want to deal with that chef, yeah no fuck that nonsense- Nigel wants no part of Peppino.

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They’d never admit it even though they’ve made it blatantly obvious but they are scared of that bastard, he’s seen the way he’s fucking just RUN at enemies and that alone was enough to make Nigel shake his head and go ‘yeah I’m not doing this’

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Literally fucking b o l t s when they see the chef in the fucking DISTANCE even if he’s not approaching them, wants nothing to do with him- Aside from his crippling fear of the chef, Nigel is actually pretty chill despite his role, he can be kind when he wants to be, and even friendly.

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Nigel does have anxiety, especially social anxiety as they don’t usually tend to socialize around others, not even the other Pizzards, they just prefer to be by themselves or hanging out with Frank (I’ll explain how those two met in side facts)

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Overall, Nigel can be kind and friendly if you get past the social anxiety/anxiety in general, got whatever the fear of Chefs would be despite their role of being an enemy that needs to stop him, and hell tbh they just do not give a shit, they wanna do their own things-

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He’s also a huge nerd who loves to talk about the magic he’s learned and overall he’s REALLY big into fantasy stuff (Nigel would love DnD) can talk your ears off about a lot of fantasy themed things and or magic stuff.

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Now onto Frank, oh yeah, he’s a fucking nightmare- He’s VERY MUCH not as chill as Nigel can be, he’s aggressive, cruel, mean, and pretty evil ngl- Franks just stalks about the place usually, looking for any intruders even though they do got alarm systems but he just can’t fucking lay there all night, he gets so b o r e d in that place.

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Franks knows it's against the rules, he shouldn’t be leaving that dumb decrepit restaurant because it’s not allowed but given his size and stature… If anyone is THAT dumb to try and tell him he can’t or try to stop him, well, guess he’ll find a really nice place to put that cleaver of his.

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It depends on his mood, he very much enjoyed scaring the hell out of that chef, uh, Pepperoni? …Peppers? …Tony? …Whatever the fuck his name was- Frank doesn’t care about his name, he’s just here to fucking murder because he’s a bastard.

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…Franks WON’T deny however, that chef has some fucking s p e e d, like god d a m n- He can move so fast when he wants to and it’s honestly a little unnerving even for him, does find it funny though when he just fucking BARRELS into enemies, laughs when they get obliterated.

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He takes pleasure in others misfortunes and suffering, he’s a huge sadist, that much is a given- When he’s NOT being a horrible disgusting bastard, he’s either patrolling the restaurant, sneaking out to see Nigel, and or just doing what he does best, butchering …N-Not necessarily JUST a being of course.

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Speaking of Nigel, how the hell these two became friends is the fucking mystery of the century, because if anyone saw Franks approaching them, they’d think oh he’s going to fucking murder that guy oh no- But nope, he just ruffles the other’s hat and asks how’s it goin’?

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Franks is secretly pretty protective over Nigel, won’t let anyone mess with him- No, he’s the only one allowed to mess with Nigey- And oh does he fucking mess with the other, he loves to pull pranks on them, he knows they’re scared of that chef too so sometimes he likes to be a little mean.

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And well he’ll be like “Heh, hey Nigey, that chef’s coming” at first Nigel believed him every time and would fucking run up a tree or ANY kinda platform to try and get away bc he didn’t want to get fucking obliterated by the Italian Flash meanwhile Frank just laughed at him, now he’s not as quick to believe it but even then, Nigel still doesn’t wanna risk it.

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Because what if this is the ONE time Franks is not lying? Franks thinks it's fun to mess with Nigey but he knows the other’s limits and he knows not to push them too far, deep down, Frank actually genuinely does care about Nigel, hell if Peppino actually d i d start approaching him, Franks would legit stand to oppose him.

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Franks ain’t letting n o b o d y hurt Nigel, hell, he’s been afraid a few times himself that he’d hurt them because he’s a big fella and he’s REALLY strong at that, wouldn’t even need to use a weapon to hurt anyone, could easily just crush them with his bare hands.

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Also Franks doesn’t give a shit if your Peppino or not, he’s an enemy to fucking EVERYONE …ExceptNigelahem- But he’s a fucking menace to society, if he wants to, he’ll butcher you-

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| Side Facts: (I fucking forgot about Gustavo and uh, Brick- Nigel isn’t scared of him at all, thinks the giant rat is kinda cool- doesn’t get near him because of... You know who... While Franks thinks the rat is cool too but Gustavo? Just another lamb to the slaughter to him)

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How Frank and Nigel met was an… Interesting one, honestly Nigel had just been wandering around, he was looking for something for one of his potions and apparently this weird honestly creepy ass looking restaurant had exactly the item they needed!

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So Nigel went in looking for it and uh needless to say he fucking HATES that place, absolutely terrified of that place- Literally will never step foot in there again (...Unless Franks needed help of course)

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He got chased by these… Well he’s not sure what they were, it was like some freaky looking animatronics- IF they were actually animatronics, honestly Nigel didn’t know and didn’t care, not his business if they were organic or not- He was here for one item and that’s it.

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Nigel set off so many of those,, alarm things, they weren’t sure what to call ‘em but they set s o many of those fucking things off lmao

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Frank however wasn’t laying there like they do in the game tho lmao, nah, he was already patrolling when he heard the alarm, he was e x c i t e d, eager- Because holy shit, finally an intruder!

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Frank found him with the slightest ease tbh, it wasn’t that hard with how much he yelped and screamed, oh they were v e r y easily scared, that’d be fun- He was surprised to find it was one of them… Pizza Wizards, one of them lil guys, he’s encountered a lotta things before.

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Franks was curious because, what the hell was one of them lil guys here for? He stalked them for a good bit, just seeing what they were doing, also watching them run from the others and trying not to laugh at his misfortune.

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Eventually Nigel found one of the items he had been searching for this entire time, he looked s o fucking happy, holding the item high above his head “I-I did it… Haaa… Hahahaha” …Oh, okay, maybe they had cracked just a little bit, that was a maniacal cackle-

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Franks then just stood in front of the mmm, only exit, blocking Nigel’s path entirely- He was still celebrating his victory when he saw a shadow cast in the doorway and then they turned around, eyes wide “...You’ve got to be kidding me, that’s not faaiirrr…” …He sounds a little angry lmao and he’s complaining.

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Frank literally just laughs and waves to the small Pizzard “Hey there lil fella, got a problem?” (That’s another thing he does, he constantly pokes fun at Nigel’s height) This leads to Nigel complaining about this entire damn restaurant and this makes Frank sigh afterwards when Nigel gets through “...Ya done yet?”

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Nigel then looks up in thought, opening his mouth a few times before shrugging “Yeah, okay, I got nothing more” Franks then started approaching the other who readied a lightning bolt “S-Stay back! Don’t you d a r e c-come any cl… Closer!”

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Franks of course doesn’t stop, he’s just grinning, showing off his sharp teeth- “Ya know, if ya fire that there lightning bolt, it’ll cause a fuss, and that fuss’ll cause them alarm bots to come investigate, which’ll prompt th’ others to also investigate”

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Nigel’s eyes narrow at that “...And if I DON’T, I’ll still die, because YOU will just kill me, so what does it matter? I’m damned if I do or don’t, at least I won’t go out without a fight!” Franks then pauses at that, thinking for a moment before nodding “Eh, I reckon yer right”

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Alright I really don’t,, wanna turn this into no mini-fic (It’s a little too late for that one, past me) so I’ll cut to the chase. Frank actually applauds Nigel for making it THIS far, applauds for actually getting they’re hands on the item they came here for, in fact, he’s so impressed… That he legit moves to the side.

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Which surprises the hell out of Nigel but they think it's a trick, even accusing the other that if they come closer, then the other will surely strike them- Franks feigns being hurt by such ‘cruel words’ and then says that he guesses Nigel doesn’t want the secret shortcut outta here.

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There was a pause from Nigel, momentarily before they cautiously ask about the shortcut, to which Frank tells them they should apologize for ‘’hurting his feelings’’ …They groan and begrudgingly apologize.

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Franks then motions for them to follow him, Nigel has a lotta anxiety and paranoia about this moment, because this feels like he’s being lead to his death.

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Why should he trust the other? He’s one of them damned butchers! So why wasn’t he… Chasing him? T R Y I N G to kill him in SOME way? …It didn’t make sense, he followed behind Frank but from a safe distance.

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…Much to Nigel’s surprise, Frank didn’t lie, he actually led them out safe and sound, this way had n o animatronics nor alarms, nothing- It was calm, quiet, and clear as could be- Franks had talked about this being his special way out of the restaurant without being questioned.

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Of course when they got to the end, Nigel questioned Frank, asking him why he was helping them escape? …Why was he doing this? Why wasn’t he swinging that cleaver down or- or SOMETHING! Nigel had been narrowly escaping death all night so why… Wasn’t Franks doing the same?

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…The funny thing is, Franks didn’t have an answer then, he just snapped at Nigel and said that if he don’t get going, he’ll change his mind and Nigel WILL be on the end of that cleaver, so he heard that loud and clear and began scampering out of there before pausing and turning around.

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“...What’s your name?” There was a pause from the sausage butcher who had turned around and had begun to walk away before that question popped up “...Frank” And then Nigel spoke up “...Thank you, Frank… I’m Nigel, it uh, heh… I guess you could say it was nice… MEATing you”

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And oh Nigel has a cute lil snort when he laughs- Franks couldn’t help it, he let out a full on belly laugh at the other’s stupid pun, which made Nigel feel all giddy- He then turned around, a big toothy grin on his face “...Yer alright, lil fella… I’ll see ya around”

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And so that’s how those two met essentially- Nigel still complains about that damned restaurant because holy fuck is it terrifying, he doesn’t know how or why Frank stays there- …But then again they also have no fucking clue how Frank found where they lived-

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It’s best not to question it- Either way, the two have been friends from the beginning …Maybe a lil more- Who knows- Ahem-

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Nigel and Frank are curious about one another’s… Occupations, if you could call it that- Frank is curious about the magic stuff and Nigel is curious about the whole… Butcher thing …L-Less so if it involves butchering a person however.

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Frank has ‘destroyed’ (more so just roughed em up) some of the animatronics/other butchers and even alarms for Nigel, he ain’t ever cared for the others anyways- They just… Aren’t as sentient as he is, not even the other butchers- They follow protocol or whatever, while he does what the fuck he wants lmao.

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Franks has a deep southern accent and Nigel has a bit of an Irish accent.

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Nigel is Gay while Frank is Bisexual. (They’re in love with each other lmao)

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I have some juicy lore for the lads now that I’m not baked on meds and anesthetic- Sooo! For some of the bosses, yeah they’ve met em-

Uhh spoilers I guess bc I literally just fucking realized Pizza Tower hasn’t been out that long- jfkdjgdfs- i really need to pay closer attention smh,, but either way BOSSES MENTIONS DOWN BELOW

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Franks hates pretty much everyone who ISN’T Nigel- so he hates all the bosses- but first up I suppose- Pepperman-

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Nigel is more so neutral toward him, the both of them think he’s too narcissistic for his own good, nothing much there tbh- so moving on!

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Next up is The Vigilante, honestly? Franks and Nigel like the cowboy aesthetic he’s got going on.

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Nigel sometimes asks about cowboys and the western aesthetic in general, he likes The Vigilante well enough- not necessarily friends or anything like that but he thinks the other is cool …Although there’ll be no more chances of him e v e r being able to fire a gun again…

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The Vigilante doesn’t want a bullet hole put through him and Nigel fucking sucks at guns- he can aim his magic lightning bolts and such just fine but not a gun, The Vigilante doesn’t know a thing about the magic stuff, so they learn from each other tbh.

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They haven’t met that weird Pizzaface/Pizzahead thingy- I should go ahead and get that out of the way.

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The Noise …Oh my fucking g o d Nigel fucking HATES that thing s o goddamn much, has struck him with so many lightning bolts but the fucker just DOESN’T go away! He’s so loud and obnoxious and just, just… INSUFFERABLE- Franks won’t deny, he fucking hates the thing but…

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It can be kinda funny to watch Nigel get angry and try to hit him with lighting bolts, Franks still thinks he’s very annoying, nothing changes there- …Frank has nearly butchered him out of anger once before Nigel stepped in and dragged him away somewhere, he wasn’t doing it to protect that pest, he was doing it to protect Frank tbh.

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But also legit uh they had some business that needed taken care of tbh, but either way- now the BEST parts of the lore…

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Fake Peppino- or Feppino/Feppi- …Nigel was the only one to encounter that… Thing, and he’d take dealing with The Noise over this Feppi- Nigel was literally just minding his own business when he encountered it, they had been reading up on a new spell they had been trying so hard to cast.

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He eventually bumped into something because the dumbass decided hm, yes, I’ll read while walking- Nothing can go wr- BAM- Right into a wall… After recollecting themselves, they got up, dusting themselves off and then their spellbook before looking at…

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Oh, a pizzeria? …Bruzo’s Pizza? …Nigel then mentally smacks himself bc its fucking Bruno’s Pizza- the N is just falling off- but that wasn’t the only thing falling apart…

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The whole fucking building was falling apart it seemed, old and decrepit- The windows on it were boarded up but also broken, but what caught Nigel’s eye the most was a piece of paper tacked to the wall “...Danger…?” And it just had a pair of eyes in the darkness.

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And Nigel nearly fucking drops they’re spellbook when they see eyes and hands in a darkened boarded up doorway, however when Nigel blinked those limbs and eyes were gone “W-What the hell…?”

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Okay, yeah, Nigel should just run- Run right now- There was no point in investigating, what did he care about some old pizzeria?! Welp ya know how curiosity can be, and Nigel r a r e l y comes through this kinda area, he had just needed to get out and wander- get some fresh air-

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…So Nigel basically goes up and takes the boards off the door …With the help of his magic because of course, after that they then call out “Hello? …Is someone in here?” …And then there’s a pause “...Do you need any help?”

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They don’t hear an answer, cautiously, they take a timid step inside, fidgeting with their gloved hands “If y-you need uh, need an… Any help, I-I can…! I-I um, i-if you're hurt I mean!” …Nothing until he heard something fall that startled him, almost like a spotlight turned on and that lit up the room somewhat.

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…Okay, Nigel was getting more nervous by the second- And then they looked at the sign that was illuminated and their eyes widened “...P-Pepp…ino’s… Pi…zza…” They struggled to get out, now it’s not necessarily because of their anxiety toward h i m but because this wasn’t right!

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“...This… I-Isn’t… P-Peppino’s place…? What the-” And then suddenly the light went out and then came back on and oh holy fuck it got so much worse, the sign now just said that name over and over but the worst bit was… There were those eyes again, those eyes now in a hole in the wall, staring intensely at Nigel.

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There were legs sticking out of different places, those legs were f a r too wide apart to look remotely normal and oh there was a fucking bone sticking out of the trash bag then leg was in, and then they saw an arm, a face in the pizza boxes- and even the sign that once said ‘Nothing Compares’ changed, the face unhinged, letters scrambled and nonsense.

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Nigel felt his breath hitch and tears prick his eyes “W-What… A-Are you…?” Just then, the limbs stopped moving before disappearing, making Nigel yelp at the sudden movements and then, just when they thought it couldn’t get any worse? …It got m u c h much worse.

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That thing emerged from the hole in the wall, practically deforming itself and then reforming itself on the ground on all fours, it looked like Peppino… Except the sunken eyes, the far too long limbs, the melty body, a permanent grin on its face-

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Nigel could feel tears pricking his eyes, and he could feel himself starting to tremble, no…

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Not right now- anything but right now- He could NOT have a fucking panic attack right now- Feppino just stared at him, tilting its head, it said something but it was nothing but gibberish- It sounded like a question though but Nigel just shook they’re head “I-I u-um… Ihavetogo!”

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They spoke way too fast and turned around and just fucking began to book it out of there, it wasn’t even a few seconds later they heard it behind them, they didn’t d a r e turn around because they knew it was chasing them.

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This prompted him to go a lil faster tbh, far too panicked to even think about using any sorta teleporting magic rn- He just ran back toward the door and right as he got out of it, he felt a hand wrap around his ankle.

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They fell flat on their face and then turned around to see that creature who just had its head tilted but there was something there, it looked… Desperate, especially when it spoke- Despite it being nothing but gibberish- there was desperation in Feppino’s tone, of course Nigel could feel his throat closing up.

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It got worse when that thing began dragging him closer to itself, trying to drag it back inside the pizzeria, however he just started struggling, grasping at the slick floor …And of course failing, it wasn’t until he cried out a loud ‘NO!’ that the creature let go, it seemed startled by that.

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But Nigel barely spared it another glance, just yelling out that he didn’t want to die before finally, his magic suddenly kicked in (he didn’t do it purposefully, sometimes when extreme feelings/emotions start rising, it causes his magic to go all crazy)

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And then finally he’s back with Frank- who is startled by Nigel suddenly popping in, he’s about to reprimand Nigel for that but then he sees the other hugging his knees close and struggling to breathe, this causes Frank to immediately kneel down by they’re side “N-Nigel?! Woah, he… Hey now, easy there lil feller… C-C’mon…”

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Nigel pulls his knees away and grasps at his chest “I-I c… ca… n… c-can’t… bre…athe” He managed to speak but just barely, Franks got the picture though, he realized Nigel was having a panic attack “A-Alright, hey, Nigel… Look at me, remember yer breathin’ exercises…” And that leads into Frank trying to get him to calm down.

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…It EVENTUALLY works but Nigel is still shaking and crying and just hugging onto Frank so tightly- Frank was just completely lost, he has no idea what happened that night, he still doesn’t because Nigel REFUSES to talk about it.

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…You could argue this also made his fear/anxiety of the real Peppino even stronger (bc I wanna be clear- He knew the REAL Peppino before encountering Feppino, this isn’t a situation where oh he’s mistaking Peppi with Feppi

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And also I’d argue that he’s actually a lot more terrified of Feppino than Peppino tbh)

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I’ll be very vague with this last bit, was Feppino purposefully trying to hurt Nigel? ...Or was it all a misunderstanding? Who knows~

#pizza tower #pizza tower oc #my ocs #original characters #tw murder #tw panic attack #literally the whole Nigel thing being scared of Peppino was mostly just bc its so fucking funny to me #he just sees this chef running at mach speeds and they're like ...yeah no fuck this im not doing this #if he could get over his fear of Peps honestly the two could shake hands in anxiety solidarity #Nigel and Frank (OCs)

[medi-melancholy]

i’ve been really coming to terms the past few months about my relationship with gender identity and i want to put some of my thoughts on paper. this is is very steam of consciousness so it’ll probably be repetitive or incoherent, but i want to talk about it openly. I PROMISE I’M OK LMAO i just wanna chat to myself

anyone who knows me knows i love dolls. hell, i’m dollkin, of course. and a big part of why i identify with dolls so much is because of physical reasons. a doll can be physically neutral without any sexual characteristics, yet perceived as leaning more towards a certain gender based on how they’re dressed. a ‘girl’ doll may wear dresses and bows and such, but has no true physical gender. if that ‘girl’ doll wanted to, they could be dressed more like a ‘boy’, or stay completely neutral perception-wise. hell, they could wear dresses and bows and skirts and be identified as a boy or as having no gender, in spite of traditionally ‘feminine’ clothing.

i LOVE that. that’s like... an ideal situation to me.

i think another reason i identify so much with the lack of physical gender/sexual traits the vast majority of dolls possess is because i’m asexual and quite sex-repulsed. the thought of ever being around a naked person makes me sick, because i just reeeally don’t want to see any of those parts. i don’t even like seeing my own parts most of the time. i just want to be... nothing.

a lot of my hatred for parts of my body likely relates to my struggles with disordered eating and chronic illness, but that’s an issue for another time.

i would love to have the ability to be neutrally gendered by default. i technically can be if i want to! but because i have ‘female’ physical characteristics, people will pretty much always automatically assume that i am female. i understand it’s an issue to say something like... “having a chest and hips = female!” because that’s absolutely not true, i understand that. but to someone who desires to fit society’s view of what is female, having those characteristics is valuable. yknow?? so it’s not like... an entirely bad concept, if it helps someone be more comfortable and happy with who they are.

by that same token, i bind (safely!) every now and then because i want to be lacking in those physical characteristics, and therefore hopefully perceived as more neutral. hell, i’ve crossdressed before and presented as male for historical reenactment purposes, and i LOVE IT. i love having the freedom to control my gender. it feels so good.

it was easier when i was younger, when i wasn’t curvy. when i kept my hair very short due to abuse, and could easily pass as ‘male’.

these days i spend a lot of time dressed as a stormtrooper or a tie fighter pilot, neutral costumes with helmets with conceal my gender. i cherish the moments i have in those sorts of costumes, largely in part because in those moments it’s not my gender that matters but instead the children i bring joy to, but i digress. there’s certainly a theme with my feelings, though.

i end up feeling most comfortable cosplaying characters of unconventional gender presentation, i’ve noticed.

i had my phase around middle school where i hated the color pink, i hated traditionally feminine things, i never wore skirts or dresses, i wanted the color blue, i wanted pants. i felt weird and out of place trying to fit into ‘girly’ roles. it’s weird to think i was ever in that place, considering my interests now, but it sure did happen. i think a lot of this time might relate to me coming to terms with my sexuality--being asexual, and the struggles of having sexual characteristics--and also realizing i really REALLY like girls. my subconscious thought process might’ve been something like, “boys like girls, and i like girls, so maybe i should be more like a boy?”

i grew up, thank god, in a household that didn’t force me into playing house, playing with dolls, all that stuff. i was welcome to play with whatever toys i wanted, watch whatever shows appealed to me, listen to whatever music i liked. so, i had both barbies and transformers, i had bratz and star wars, i had a mix of ‘girly’ and ‘boyish’ music and movies i enjoyed. i was certainly bullied for this, harshly so, but i’m eternally thankful that my parents have been accepting of me ever since day 1.

for many years i’ve had trouble identifying with being afab, with being a girl, because of my body. i have a hormone imbalance of some sort that does fucked up things to my mind and body, and i suspect i have some sort of issue with, well, the girly internal hardware too, but i’ve been horrified to go to a specialist about that sort of thing because i HATE talking about... those parts, it’s making me feel sick right now. i don’t want anyone looking around down there, EVER.

anyways, my hair grows in absurdly fast and absurdly thick, everywhere, even before i felt pressured to start shaving as a kid. my legs, arms, pits,eyebrows, just everywhere. even my face, i do have to shave my face. it’s... invalidating, i guess, of my supposed ‘womanhood’, so i find myself having trouble calling myself a real girl. i know hair is a natural thing, and i NEVER ever judge other people for it, but i do judge myself.

i’ve often described my feelings as... i want to be a girl, i know on some level that i am a girl. but i’m physically NOT a girl, and i only want to strive for feminine physical traits in some ways, not in others.

it’s a very weird, depersonalizing feeling, considering i’m afab.

there’s also the fact i’m like 6 feet tall, that’s certainly not a ‘girl’ trait. “no one will dance with a tall girl”, the saying goes. i’m leggy and gangly and weird. and somehow curvy at the same time. i look like a joke lol

i wanna mention that i had a phase in high school where if any of my friends asked me what my gender was, i’d just pull up a clip of a la cucaracha horn. that’s still such a huge mood.

ever since i was a kid, i’ve found myself drawn to characters who are androgynous or don’t conform to typical gender presentation, and i’ve never really known why. i figured, maybe that’s my idea of beauty or something? i hate to word it like this but i like... really found myself attached to male characters that presented femininely, or dressed as such, or wear lots of makeup, and i still feel that way? that just feels so safe, so comfortable, so real to me. that’s reflected in my IDs/kintypes too, i really really relate to gender neutral characters, or characters who are ‘supposed to’ be masculine but are feminine instead, or any combination, just... nontypical displays of gender.

it feels so suitable to what i want in life, i think. the same feeling i want to achieve.

funny that pretty much every single character i identify with is a doll/puppet or related to them in some way, too, huh? it all sorta connects, i guess. i value the nonhuman trait of having no definitive physical gender, i guess?

i’ve had people suggest to me before that i’m a demigirl, maybe, but that never felt right. i’ve had people say “hey, sounds like you’re nonbinary” but i just... don’t feel right with that term? just for me personally.

it’s almost like i don’t want to label my gender. it feels so vague, so indistinguishable.

girl a little bit to the left. girl flavored la croix. the tape outline of a corpse at a crime scene, and the corpse happened to be a girl. hint of hint of girl. i don’t feel that all the time, though. sometimes i just feel.. an absence of gender. no gender but with vaguely feminine traits.

at the same time, i worry myself about identifying as a lesbian. i’m only interested in dating people who identify as female, that’s who i end up attracted to. i want a girlfriend, i want a wife.

but if i’m not entirely a girl myself, can i still call myself a lesbian?

well, i’ve never judged or policed other people, so why the fuck am i judging myself? we really are our own worst critics.

anyways, within my close circle of friend-family, i’ve been going by they/them for a while and also neutral terms, for the most part. it feels good, it feels comfortable. it’s not something i’m gonna want 24/7, but sometimes that’s how i’m feeling so that’s the terminology i should use. makes sense, feels good.

i can still be a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend. but i can be a sibling, a datefriend, too. i can use she/her and they/them at the same time, or whenever i’m feeling one over the other

the closest word i’ve found for how i feel is gender nonconforming, but i still don’t want to put a label on myself in this case.

i just wanted to get this off my chest. or... get my chest off. it’s complicated.

you can call me sarah, you can call me medi, you can call me a person who is a girl, a person who’s sort of a girl but sorta not. i dunno. i’m just me.

i thought i had all my identify stuff figured out but these past few months have been Whew

shoutout to my friends for always being so supportive and loving, yall are the best. 

and uhhhhhh thanks for reading, sorry for getting so real all of a sudden.

this may have been brought on because i have a new doll kintype whose gender is a fuck and i was like shit, that’s me, huh!

#long post #it me #it sure is me huh #uhhh tw for lots of gender talk i guess idk #nothing upsetting i don't think. just talking about [vaguely gestures at self] All This #OH and maybe like the post if you read it. if that's ok!! i just wanna know who's like... in the know about stuff. if that's alright