#ugh. its a good thing im on mood stablizers | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starting-in-the-middle · 7 years

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its warmish out and I havent done a dedicated workout in like a week so Im looking forward to my run today!!! I have been walking a lot and going to shows (over 8,000 steps at Deaner, 5,000 at cold cave alone! Estimated, I dont wear my fitbit for stuff like that, but he health app on my phone recorded them) but now the social bubble has burst and i can get back to my routine more or less. this particular depressive episode has been Rough and primarily taken on the form of having no appetite ever, which has been difficult to deal with. I have to combat maladaptive thoughts that are still satisfied by hunger, I have to get over the mental block of not eating when I’m not hungry (i am sure ~intuitive eating~ works for peole who arent battling deeply ingrained eating disorders that they were literally raised to have but if i were to only eat when i was hugry it would be like once a day. When I make myself eat 2-3 times a day my body gets used to it and then i get more normal hunger cues, but like Im sick of intuitive eating being flung at every single person with no regard to like.....the fact that there are a lot of things that cause people to have fucky eating habits. Anyway, staying nourished enough to feel good and energized after runs instead of staggering back with a pounding headache or feeling like i have the flu for like 3 hours after a work out is challengings sometimes, but knowing that I have a legit reason to eat really helps. I know its maladaptive and I am addressing it and walking myself through this, and I dont apply it to others, but the notion of earning or deserving food weighs heavy on me like all the time. I can hear Johns voice in my head asking what I did that day to get dinner, or interrogating why I felt i deserved a meal. It fucks with you my dudes!!! And when the Double Depression (tm) hits its just so much harder to fight back against (for background I have cyclothymia so depressive episodes on top of my punctuated dysthymia take a hell of a toll and I havent have a hypomanic reprieve in a few months and eveything just feels scattered. the onlu uptick is that im actually not super capable of panicking right now so keeping informed and productive isnt a bit easier for me to handle mentally. like i am angry and terrified on a ratinal level but this DD is bad enough that it has dulled my physical anxiety to the point that my heart doesnt palpitate with every mention of that man like it did earlier in the mood disorder cycle. Psychosomatic reations are weird. I am considering my medication options again, but I cant go back to the one that worked because if I end up having interrupted access I could go through a pretty awful withdrawl. One of the medications I used to manage my ADHD in college was very helpful with the depressive episodes and essentially worked as a mood stabilizer int eh RIGHT direction (i hated being on mood stabilizers because the mood it stablized on was always Depressive :/). but there is the appetite aspect that isnt really great for what Im trying to accomplish, however the SSRI had similar side effects so if I do low grade enough I shouldnt have issues??? I need to make an appointment with my physician but i am SO BUSY UGH). Im very lucky to have the support system and insurance that I do, I feel guilty being this mentally miserable. But I am still working daily on things that matter, staying accountable, and pushing myself to keep my spaces and nutrition as clean as I can because it has the biggest impact on my mental state. I also need to wash my hair because I havent done that since Thursday or Friday. Definitely after my run.

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