#ugh. i at least accomplished some things yesterday. but im in a standoff between saying fuck it and paying for an apartment vs waiting to b

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#stumbling through one moment to the next like ive just been hit in the face #which is to say disoriented. punch drunk. adrift in a sea of mental vertigo #to steal a phrase: emotional motion sickness #i dunno. its just a very specific feeling when ive burned thru all my steam and am moving purely on compulsive action #like someones dragging me forward by the hair. i start to peel apart. im moving but without thinking actions into being #ill be in the middle of an action and my brain catches up. oh? where am i? what am i doing? ok i guess im on autopilot #thats fine i guess. and i start slipping out of my body. which isnt so bad until im trying to draw and then i cant bc my attention keeps #sliding away. i cant draw when im not sitting in my body. #im in the 3 day lul between taking measurements. this is my break. i say as i stay here from 7.30 to 5.30 bc of the other things i have to #do. and i haven't got the data ready for a meeting tomorrow so fuck the rest of my day i guess #ugh. i at least accomplished some things yesterday. but im in a standoff between saying fuck it and paying for an apartment vs waiting to b #contacted by student housing when there's currently a waitlist. i just wanna kno i have a place to go #also ive fucked myself over on another thing i havent done and dont kno how to start. uuuuuugh. #when i take my headphones off my brain has a lag that sounds like static and whispers #y am i doing this to myself? given the choice to make it better or worse i choose worse at each turn #so here we r. worse and worse and worse. have i fucked it all up? maybe so. well see #i have to go in tomorrow too. and i have a meeting Thursday. and thrn were back to 11hr days until Tuesday #then if i have to attend a birthday party my head might fucking explode #unrelated