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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 8 months

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tw mention cocsa, parental abuse

looking for someone to listen about my story, also questions at the bottom

I was abused by a kid my age when I was really little, ive dealt with all sorts of symptoms bc of that (and other traumas ive been through.) my parents were abusive as well as an ex and my parents stood up always for my other abusers saying maybe they were victimized and I was the bad guy...

there have been some occasions my parents have straight up admitted to abusing me growing up and it felt really good hearing that, still feels really validating even though they didn't mean to validate me they did.... they didn't apologize but they change their story up so many times by saying I was at fault, then saying their abuse was justified (admitting it, YAY), then implying their abuse WASN'T justified (even more YAY) bc they will get defensive and scared saying things like "I was never a bad mother! I tried! cut me slack! im tired of you acting like im so horrible" which idk if you mods agree or not but in a way she's showing she feels guilt and shame bc she knows her abuse towards me wasn't justified....?

also, ive started to do my research and recognize somatic and emotional flashbacks ive been dealing with, some I can relate to specific traumas, I usually try not to think of any of my memories or abusers

but rare times when i decided to think hard about a specific abusive scenario I went through with a specific abuser and I went into this sort of horrible emotional/phsycial state along with somatic experiences with some of my five senses re-experiencing I guess things I don't remember too well about the event usually goes on for half-hour to 3 hours. some of these are new and scary.

im glad in a way to be experiencing these things bc I grew up believing my abusers that I was abusive. but my reactions to being abused were completely valid and normal...

sometimes if I think about specific trauma events I start feeling physical sensations like my whole face becoming flush and hot, heart racing. but it goes away quickly sometimes. idk what that is but the memories feel like dreams and its kind of validating when I experience that stuff bc I know its real when strong, scary emotions and physical sensations are attached to the memories, esp newer ones I keep getting...

and I get auditory hallucinations which scare the living shit out of me. I feel like I get into states of fear for my life. idk if thats a flashback or not?? idk if im psychotic or not?

I also have a question? is it normal to feel "obsessed" with your abuser or preoccupied with arguments in your head with your abuser? is that cptsd symptoms or am I just weird for that? seems contradicting bc I try not to think of the abuse, and get irrited with intrusive thoughts about it, yet sometimes obsessively choose to think about arguing w my abuser and I get so heated....

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. It sounds like you've endured a lot of painful and isolating experiences that can be incredibly challenging to grapple with, and please know that you're not alone.

It can be especially frustrating and isolating to experience your parents immediately siding with your abusers instead of considering your perspective or feeling protective over you. It seems that their abusive behavior towards you over time explains why they don't support and care for you in the way you deserve.

I can understand how validating it can be when our abusers admit to what they've done. But sometimes they mention these things in a nonchalant or unapologetic way because they fail to recognize the gravity of their actions, and perhaps they haven't changed. It's important to remember that there is no excuse or justification for abuse, and it's common for abusers to construct reasons to avoid accountability. It's possible that the way your mom responded could suggest that she feels guilt, but it could also just be an attempt to justify her actions instead of take responsibility for them or feel guilty.

It sounds like you may have been experiencing flashbacks when you described the sort of sensual and emotional state that lasted for several hours. It's understandable how it can feel validating to experience this when your abusers have been painting you as the abuser and playing the victim themselves (aka DARVO). But alongside these other physical sensations such as a racing heartbeat and a hot face, it's important to find a healthy balance between allowing yourself to experience these physical symptoms and validating your trauma in less distressing ways.

Feeling obsessed with your abuser and preoccupied with arguments with your abuser in your head can be a part of rumination. Please know that you're not alone in experiencing this and it doesn't make you weird at all. There are many reasons why trauma survivors do this, and sometimes these thoughts are intrusive. Rumination can be especially difficult in the case of CPTSD, because a trauma survivor with a string of traumatic events has multiple different things to ruminate on, and it can be hard to ruminate about one aspect of the trauma without starting to think about another.

These could be things to bring up with a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist can help you process your trauma, work with you to explore these symptoms and discover where they may be coming from, as well as finding healthier ways to validate your trauma.

If anyone would like to make any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw sa #tw csa #tw cocsa

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