#tstba

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 14)

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I stare at my deskmate's hand, dumbfounded. What is he expecting me to do, exactly?

"Well, come on!" Derrick says with a smile. "What are you waiting for?"

"Well, I, um..." I cock my head to the side, as if that would help me have a better understanding of the sight in front of me. "I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do."

"What do you mean?" My deskmate chuckles. "Haven't you ever walked onto someone's hand before?"

I slowly lift my head to peek up at my deskmate, and rub my arm as I shift my gaze back to the balcony floor. He really expects me to have done this?

Derrick frowns. "You haven't, have you?"

I shake my head. "No, I haven't. In fact... you're the only perthean who's ever held me before."

Derrick slowly retracts his hand from the balcony, his brows shifting upward. He blinks.

"What?" I ask.

"I... I don't know, it's just..." my deskmate says, looking down as he twiddles his thumbs. "I'm honored that you'd let me be the first perthean to hold you."

"It's not like I really had a choice, being forced to come to this school and all," I sigh. "You just happened to be the first that I couldn't avoid."

"You were forced to come to this school?" Derrick asks, his eyes widening.

"Yeah," I say with a shrug as Dad's lies about the move come to mind. "It's a long story."

"Well, whether you were forced to interact with me or not," Derrick says, tucking his arms by his sides and clenching his fists excitedly, "I'll do my best to live up to the honor of being the first perthean to hold you!"

I let out a nervous laugh. I didn't realize he'd be so excited to find this out.

"But anyway, once again returning to the matter at hand—my hand, that is," Derrick says.

My heart rate picks up again as Derrick moves his hand back towards the balcony. I don't stumble backwards this time, but I'm surprised that my insides are still churning at the sight of his nearing hand—especially since I was expecting it to approach.

The enormous leathery surface settles down before me, with each of its attached digits curling inward ever so slightly. I approach my deskmate's hand cautiously, as if it were a venus flytrap ready to snatch me up at a moment's notice.

"Now, you said you weren't sure what you were supposed to do?" Derrick asks.

I raise my foot and dangle it over my deskmate's hand, only to nearly lose my balance and stumble back onto the balcony. Do I really not know how to do this?

"I haven't the slightest clue. And besides, isn't this..." I sigh, biting down on my lip and rubbing the back of my neck. "You know, a little too casual?"

"Too casual?" Derrick blinks a few times and raises an eyebrow. "Kaylin, we are friends, right?"

"Of course!" I blurt out, quickly waving my hands. "I didn't mean to say we weren't! It's just that we've only used a formal form of handling etiquette up until this point, and... well..."

"Yes? What is it?"

"I... well... I don't really know how you expect me to get onto your hand. I guess that makes me pretty stupid, huh?" I say, hanging my head.

"You're not stupid. You just need a little guidance, that's all," Derrick says with a smile. "Now, there's something I want you to know. Because we're friends, I don't care how it is you manage to get onto my hand. You can run, crawl, jump, or fall into my hand and I wouldn't mind it in the slightest."

I look up at my deskmate, astounded. I thought any perthean would be particular about how a human gets onto their hand. He really doesn't care how I approach this?

"Generally speaking, though," Derrick says, "when a perthean offers you their hand this way, you're expected to respond like this."

Derrick lifts his other hand and moves it towards me, causing my muscles to immediately tense up. What's he doing now?! Is he going to grab me?!

I quickly back away from his hands until I'm flat against the wall. My heart, beating faster and faster, sinks deep in my chest. As my knees buckle beneath me, I find myself slumping against the wall, it being the only thing left holding me up. Derrick's eyes widen, and he immediately retracts both of his hands.

"Hey," he whispers. "Kaylin, are you—"

I slide down the wall until I'm sitting on the balcony floor. I hide my head behind my knees and wrap my arms around my legs. I shut my eyes tightly as they begin to tingle and glaze over, but hot tears manage to leak from them anyway.

"I can't do this, Derrick!" I sniffle. "I can't keep myself from fearing for my life whenever you reach for me! All I think about is...! Is...!"

With my head buried into my knees, my vision is completely black. My mind's eye, however, is painting pictures of the man from my nightmares. A tall, slim figure with a bit of a tan. Slightly muscular. Clean shaven with a small scar on his left cheek. He has dark brown hair and narrowed brown eyes. He wears a white t-shirt with a few dirt stains, and wrapping around his dark blue jeans at the hips is a black belt with a silver chain. Beneath him is a pair of dirty, beaten up white sneakers.

He seemed so unassuming when I first peered at him from the corner of that alleyway. I was so naive! I had no idea what he—no, what pertheans were capable of until—

"Kaylin," Derrick whispers. "I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I know you're not ready to tell me what started your fear, and I want you to know that's okay with me."

I sniffle again, and with shaking hands, I wipe the tears from my eyes before reluctantly looking up at my deskmate. His blue eyes are soft with compassion, and his brows are upturned in sympathy.

"Since you were forced to come to this school, you didn't get to choose whether or not you wanted to trust me. So now, I want to ask you..." his voice trails off, and he shifts his gaze to the ground. He takes a deep breath in and out before looking back at me. "Will you make the choice now?"

My lip trembles as I sit up in my spot against the wall. "Make... the choice?" I manage, my voice cracking.

Derrick keeps his eyes fixated on me and slowly lifts his left hand towards me. His index finger is bent to the side, as if to initiate balcony etiquette. His hand passes the balcony railing, but doesn't come any closer to me. I stare at it, confused. What's he getting at?

"Kaylin, will you make the choice to trust me?"

My heart rocks against my chest and my legs begin to go numb. "How can I do that when I'm filled with so much fear?" I ask.

"Trust is an action. It's not something you feel, but rather something you choose to do in spite of your feelings." Derrick smiles softly, tilting his head to the side. "Will you trust me?"

I blink, slowly rising to my feet with trembling legs. The breeze picks up, blowing through my hair and giving me goose bumps from the chill. I hug myself tightly, partly because of the cold and partly because of the burning anxiety deep in my core. My pulse quickens, warning me to stay away from this perthean lest I get hurt—yet I find myself, for whatever reason, approaching the hand in front of me.

Derrick remains silent. I look back up at him, his smile still stretched from ear to ear. All at once, his eyes narrow, turning brown, and a scar appears over his left cheek. I slam my eyes shut, quickly sucking in a breath and blowing it out, before opening one eye to peek up at my deskmate. His blue eyes have returned to normal, and there's no scar on his cheek. I look back at his hand, cautiously tiptoeing towards it as my insides convulse and the world around me begins to spin.

Once I'm close enough, I reach a hand out towards my deskmate's index finger, only to pull it back towards myself out of uncertainty. Can I really do this? Can I really trust a perthean?

I place one hand on my deskmate's finger, and then another. I stand in place, breathless and at a loss for words. It takes all the strength I have left to look Derrick in the eyes.

"I will," I manage to say at last.

My deskmate sighs joyfully, and his eyes soften as if smiling themselves.

"Okay," he whispers.

Seeing the glee on Derrick's face gives me the courage to smile back at him. Now that I've made the choice to trust him, I can't help but wonder what comes next.

"Do you want to try walking onto my hand again?" he asks.

I recall the moment Derrick's hand approached me without warning, shivers running down my spine.

"Don't worry," he says. "I'll alert you before I reach for you from now on."

I nod, and Derrick lays his hand down palm side up on the balcony. I bite the inside of my cheek as my legs squirm beneath me, begging me to run away. I made the choice to trust Derrick, I'm not running away!

"Now, I was going to show you how humans are generally expected to react in response to an open palm. May I see your hand?" Derrick asks.

My heart skips a beat. What does he want my hand for? Still shaking where I stand, I gulp, and reluctantly offer up my right hand. I become lightheaded when Derrick takes my hand in between his fingertips. Closing my eyes, I attempt to steady my breathing. I've made my decision. I'm going to trust my deskmate.

Derrick leads me toward his open palm with a gentle tug, and places my hand on his thumb.

"There," he says, letting go of me. "Use my thumb as a support to get onto my hand."

My eyes widen as I gaze at the intricacies of his thumbprint—each curve and crevice forming a uniquely detailed pattern. I spread out my fingers. My hand doesn't even cover a fraction of the print, it's so... little. I stand there in awe, completely mesmerized by the sight in front of me as my cheeks become warmer and warmer.

"Is something wrong?" Derrick asks.

"N-no! Nothing's wrong!" I sputter, embarrassed that I'd been staring at my deskmate's thumbprint for so long.

I press down on Derrick's thumb with nearly all of my strength. It doesn't move an inch. I look toward the palm of his hand, and, using his thumb for support, I manage to lift one leg and plant it on the fleshy surface in front of me. I push off from Derrick's thumb and leap forward into his hand, only to trip on the squishy surface beneath my feet and fall flat on my face!

Derrick gasps. "Are you okay?"

I push against the skin beneath me and manage to get up onto my knees. I nod, my face completely red.

"We'll work on this," my deskmate says, lifting his hand from the balcony and closer to his chest.

"So, um..." I start, my gaze fixed on the palm I'm in. I'm interrupted, however, by a large finger lifting my head until my eyes meet Derrick's.

"Lesson two," Derrick says, "you should always try to look a perthean in the eyes when you speak to them. This makes it easier for us to hear you and perceive your emotions."

"O-oh, okay," I murmur, shivering.

Derrick smiles. "Now, what were you going to say?"

"Oh, I was just about to ask what happens now."

Derrick gazes off into the distance, his brows furrowed in thought. Did he not think he'd get this far?

"I was thinking we could just sit and talk for a while," he says, looking back at me.

"Talk?" I ask. "About what?"

"Anything," Derrick says, moving beside the balcony.

I sway from side to side in my deskmate's hand as he walks. I've gotten more accustomed to this with each passing school day, so I don't have to steady myself as much anymore. But when Derrick lowers himself to sit on the ground, I let out a yelp as the quick motion catches me completely off guard! My insides flip upside down, and I try my hardest to keep from losing my lunch.

"Sorry! Was that too quick?" Derrick asks.

"A little," I squeak, wondering what I've really gotten myself into by agreeing to meet back here with this guy.

"Sorry. I'll try to be more gentle," he says. "So... what do you want to talk about?"

"You're the one who wanted to meet back here in the first place. Shouldn't you be coming up with the ideas?" I ask.

I pick at my nails, keeping my gaze away from Derrick's. Once again, a large finger lifts my head until my eyes are locked with my deskmate's. I can't help but shudder as we glance at each other. Will I ever get used to the weight of his stare?

Derrick smiles reassuringly. "Alright," he says. "Let's talk about you."

My heart skips a beat as blood rushes to my cheeks. "What?! Why me?!" I ask.

"Hey, you said I should be the one coming up with the ideas!" Derrick laughs. "And besides... ever since we became deskmates, I've been curious to learn more about you."

I cross my arms and hang my head low to hide that I'm now blushing even harder. I've always hated talking about myself, it's so embarrassing! I'm not even that interesting!

"Come on," Derrick says, lifting me up to be eye level with him. "Can't you at least tell me a little bit about yourself?"

"I-I—" I stutter, trying to come up with any way to get myself out of this, only to sigh in defeat. "Okay."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Once Derrick and I got to talking, the time flew by. I told him a bit about the move, and he was surprised to hear that Dad and I traveled nearly 900 roams from Maedri to Chancelor. That's about 15,000 miles, which would feel like around 18,000 roams for a perthean. He asked why we would move that far, and I filled him in on how Dad really wanted me to go to his old high school. Thinking through it all again, it really doesn't make much sense. But, then again, neither does my dad.

Derrick told me a little bit about himself, too. He told me he lives with both of his parents, and that he has an identical twin brother who is away for university on Erimathea. I asked why they weren't in the same stage for school if they were the same age, and he mentioned something about his brother being able to graduate early. He seemed a bit uncomfortable with the topic, though, so I didn't push it much.

Before we knew it, we'd been talking behind the school for well over an hour. The funny thing is, the longer I spent in Derrick's hands, the easier it became to talk to him. I found myself trembling less and less over time, and I was able to maintain eye contact for most of our conversation.

"With exposure and with time," I recall Dad saying, "things can get better."

I shake the memory away. Sure, this meet up with Derrick is helping, but it wasn't Dad's idea!

"Uh-oh," Derrick says, glancing at his phone. "It's nearly 5 o'clock."

I let out a gasp as my eyes widen with realization. Dad's going to be expecting me home any minute now! I don't want him wondering where I've been! How in the world would I explain Derrick trying to help me with my fear? I can already see the smile on Dad's face. I can already hear him telling me how he knew sending me to this school would be a good decision. I can't just let him win, can I?

"Do you have somewhere to be?" Derrick asks.

"I... well," I stammer, not sure how to explain my situation. "My dad's going to be expecting me any minute now, and it usually takes me over an hour to walk home from here!"

"Really? Do you live far from here?"

"I think it's a bit far from here," I say, trying to mentally calculate the distance based on how long my walk home usually is. "I live at the human apartment building on Seren Avenue."

Derrick blinks. "Are you serious?"

"W-what?" I ask, a shudder running down my spine.

"That's right around the corner from here! That's not far at all," Derrick chuckles.

"Well, for you it might not be, but—!"

"I know, I know," Derrick says. "It's twenty times the distance for you."

I rub my arm. "I just don't know how I'm going to explain this to my dad," I mutter. "If he finds out we met up because of my fear, or that we hung out at all... I feel like he's going to hold that over my head."

My deskmate hums, leaning back against the wall. "I might have an idea," he says with a smile, lifting me to his eyes.

"Y-you do?" I stutter, still not used to when he holds me close to his face like this.

"Are you ready for your next assignment?" he asks.

"That depends," I say, scooting back a little in his palm. "what is it?"

"Will you let me walk you home?" He asks. "In favor of taking another step towards overcoming your fear?"

"I-I don't know..."

"Come on! What do you have to lose?"

I look into my deskmate's round blue eyes. I can't tell if he's encouraging me or pleading with me at this point, but does my answer even matter? He already knows where I live, so he can take me home whether I want him to or not. I guess it's good that he's asking, but... is this really a good idea? What will people think of a boy walking a girl home? What if the perthean lobby receptionist at the apartment sees us and tries to strike up another conversation? What if she tells Dad a perthean boy walked his daughter home? What will Dad think of Derrick walking me home? Ugh, he'd probably be ecstatic to see me getting along with my deskmate...

I take a deep breath and let it out. "Okay," I say. What could really go wrong?

"Alright!" Derrick says cheerfully, leaning forward to stand up.

"P-please be careful!" I plead in fear of being knocked about.

"I will," he says, being surprisingly gentle as he rises to his feet. "Now, Seren... Seren... that would be this way."

I sway around in my deskmate's hand with each step he takes. I keep my head down to prevent myself from getting nauseous, but I can tell when Derrick rounds a few corners and ends up on the sidewalk beyond the school grounds.

"We're almost there," he says.

"What? We just left!"

"It's that white building, right? About three blocks down?" Derrick asks, pointing to a small building far off in the distance.

I remember seeing pictures of the outside of the apartment online, and I guess it sort of looks like the building my deskmate is pointing to, but I can't really tell from this distance.

"Even if that's the right place, it's still going to take you at least a half hour to get there from here," I assert.

"Watch me," Derrick says.

"You're not going to try running it, are you?!" I exclaim, a sudden panic taking over.

"What? No, of course not! I'm going to take it nice and steady. Just don't be surprised when we get there in about..." my deskmate says, squinting at the white building in the distance. "Five minutes."

"Ha! Right!" I roll my eyes at his ridiculous estimate. There's no way what would take me an hour and a half is going to take him any less than thirty minutes.

As Derrick begins to walk again, I peek up from his hand every once in a while to see how far we are from our destination. To my surprise, we're approaching it much faster than I first anticipated.

I keep to myself for the most part, until something strange lands in Derrick's palm. I blink a few times, uncertain of what it is I'm seeing. It's long, a bit rounded, and a lovely shade of light pink. I reach out and poke it first, to make sure it's not some kind of bug. When it doesn't fly away, I lean over and take it in my hands. It's soft to the touch, though a bit wrinkly. It almost feels like some kind of plant.

"Hey," I say, my focus shifting back to my deskmate. "Do you know what this is?"

Derrick stops for a moment and looks down at the pink object in my hands. He tilts his head to the side, inquisitively.

"I think it's a petal," he says.

"A petal? From what?" I ask, excitedly scanning the ground beneath me for any flowers. To my disappointment, I don't see any.

"From that tree," my deskmate answers, pointing above and behind me to a massive heap of pink blossoms swinging in the wind, connected together by dark, twisting branches to a thick trunk.

My eyes immediately widen when it comes into view. The big blossoms float about in the sky high above us, and little petals rain down all around like snowflakes. This is a sight I've only ever dreamt about or seen in movies before. I never thought I'd get to see something like this for myself! The sky lights in Maedri's undercity always depicted cherry blossoms around spring every year, and I thought that was a sight to behold! But now I'm seeing the real thing? Am I really awake right now?

As Derrick begins to walk again, I try peeking around him to continue looking at the tree. Given his size, however, this proves fruitless. I slump in his palm, saddened that I only got a few moments with such a beautiful part of nature.

Derrick stops again, looking down at my slouching figure. He backs up a bit, and, reaching up to the tree, tears off a tiny section of a branch covered in flowers. He examines it between his fingertips for a moment, and then hands it to me.

My cheeks redden, and I can't help but let a smile creep across my face. Although I quiver at the sight of Derrick's nearing hand, I take the branch.

"For me?" I ask, my voice trembling.

"Mhm," Derrick hums. "A souvenir."

My breathing picks up speed with my heart rate. "Th-thanks," I manage.

Now I really can't let Dad find out about all this. What would he think of a boy giving me flowers?! I'd throw them right out if not for how mesmerized I still am by the sight of that tree.

After a few more moments of walking, Derrick stops again.

"The Apartments at Seren," he says.

I look up from the flowers in my lap. "No way!" I exclaim, dumbfounded.

"Well," Derrick says, pointing, "that's what it says on the sign."

Sure enough, the sign reads the name of my apartment building. Derrick reaches for the door to enter the perthean lobby.

"Wait!" I shout, only to bite my lip at the realization that I was a little too loud. "Um... is it okay if you just drop me off outside? There's an undercity entrance on the side of the building."

"Wouldn't it be faster to just drop you off inside?" Derrick asks.

"Well, it's just that... my dad likes to talk to the receptionist in there, and I don't know how he'd react if he saw a guy walking me home. And giving me flowers."

"Oh! Don't worry, I understand," he says. "I'll just set you down right here, then."

Derrick gently lowers himself to the ground, and places the hand I'm in down on the sidewalk. I rise from my place in his palm, wobbling a little at first as I struggle to stand. Bookbag and blossoms secured, I carefully inch toward the edge of my deskmate's hand, one step at a time, and then leap off onto the sidewalk.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" Derrick asks.

"On Firsday," I say.

"Oh, right," he says. "I'll see you on Firsday."

"Alright. Bye!" I say, sheepishly waving as I make my way toward the undercity entrance on the side of the apartment building.

As I'm walking, I have a sudden realization— I completely forgot to thank Derrick! I turn around, only to see him walking away from the apartment building.

"Hey!" I yell, but Derrick doesn't seem to hear me.

I huff. I don't want to seem rude! I run after Derrick, as fast as I can, until I'm right beside him on the ground.

"Hey! Derrick! Wait!" I shout, hoping he'll hear me.

"Huh?" Derrick looks down.

The glass that veiled my fear for only a moment shatters as I stand face to face with a tall, tall perthean. From the ground. My eyes widen. My insides contort into a knot, and the world begins to spin around me. My heart slams against my ribcage and my legs tremble beneath me, again begging me to run away. Just what do I think I'm doing?

"Kaylin? Is everything okay?" Derrick asks.

"I-I— I w... I wanted..." I stutter and stutter, fumbling over every word as I rack my brain for whatever it was I wanted to say.

Derrick must realize I'm struggling, so he kneels down closer to the ground. "Yes?" He asks.

"I-I... I wanted t-to... I wanted to thank you!" I say, crossing my arm over my chest and leaning forward. "For helping me, and walking me home."

"Oh!" Derrick smiles. "Don't mention it."

"O-okay! S-see you on Firsday," I stammer, all at once giving in to my quaking legs' pleas and running as fast as I can away from Derrick and toward the undercity entrance without looking back.

This fear just isn't going to quit, is it?

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #giant/tiny #g/t #g/t writing #sorry this took so long aaaaaaa;;; #something recently blew a hole in my confidence in my writing abilities #so I'm not really confident about this chapter ahaa;; #I'm probably going to rewrite this chapter at some point to make it feel less like they're just standing around not doing anything #because that's kind of the overall vibe I still get :/ #also Kaylin's fear feels repetitive in this chapter for some reason and dijashdiksadhfasd maybe I shouldn't post this yet #BUT IT'S BEEN SO LONG URGHHH #anyway #I hope you enjoy #feedback of any kind is always welcome as well since it helps me improve :3

[smolgirlbigdreams]

Okay so I am VERY late to this and I'm trying to catch up on GTWAC but here's a compilation of tags on TSTBA that made me smile!!!

Thank you all for your support! ;o; whenever I see your tags I nearly WEEP with joy asdfghjkl

aLSO THANKS FOR 100+ NOTES ON THE MASTER POST AND NEARLY 100 ON CHAPTER ONE!! My mind is blown by how much love my little story has gotten!!! I hope to post a new chapter this week as well on my main! :D

#too small to be afraid #tstba #g/t community #g/t writing community #g/t writers club #g/t writers #gtwac

[elizaditton]

I drew a little scene from chapter seven of my book, Too Small To Be Afraid! I'm really happy with how it turned out! ✨

(Psst... my commissions are open by the way!)

---

The boy lifts me up to his eye level, far too close for my liking. He’s so close, I could reach out and touch his face if I wanted to. I scoot back.

“Well, Ms. Finch,” the boy says, “you have nothing to worry about as long as you’re with me! Okay?”

My heart keeps pounding and pounding! He’s still so close! I nod slowly, and he seems to accept that as an answer. He brings me back to chest level and continues to the auditorium.

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #giant/tiny #g/t #oc: derrick #oc: kaylin #my artwork #my commissions are open btw

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 13)

Links:

Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

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I hardly absorbed any information at all during seventh period Koronian since I was so fixated on Derrick knowing about my fear. How long has he known about it? What does 'helping' me mean? What does he have planned for when we meet behind the school? Questions like these continue to bounce around in my mind as I stand on the balcony beside Brittney, not at all engaged in the conversation she's having with our deskmates.

I've only known Derrick for about a week, and he's already found out about my fear. I feel like an idiot. If my fear was this obvious to him, how obvious has it been to other pertheans?

What about the receptionist in the perthean lobby at the apartment? Did evading nearly all her questions make it obvious that I have a fear?

What about Mrs. Hudson, the perthean co-principal? Could she tell how frightened I was when I entered her office for the first time? Then again, I wouldn't be surprised if Dad told her about my fear, since they've been friends since they were deskmates in high school.

What about Kevin? I haven't been able to stop myself from shaking whenever he's around! And the way he looks at me... it's always like he's staring straight into my soul! Does he know I have a fear? Does he resent me for it? And not only is he Brittney's boyfriend—he's friends with Derrick, too... would either Brittney or Derrick tell him about my fear?

Kevin looks up from his phone, and his narrowed brown eyes pierce right through me. I'm unable to tear my eyes away from his as my whole nervous system is overtaken by relentless shuddering. What's he going to think now?

A hand rests on my shoulder, catching me completely off guard and causing me to flinch. I gasp and turn to the side to find an irritated looking Brittney.

"Hello?!" She says. "Earth to Kaylin!"

I blink a few times, trying to wrap my head around what she just said. "...Earth?" I finally ask.

"Well, I guess here it would be 'Perthea to Kaylin,' but you know what I mean!"

I slowly shake my head, not having the slightest clue as to what Brittney means at all. I look to Derrick to see if he has any idea what she's talking about. He shrugs.

Kevin sighs. "You and your Earthling vernacular."

"Hey!" Brittney says, stomping, "it's not my fault that I don't know which planet to use which phrases on!"

"You should still be careful with phrases like that, especially on Earth," Kevin says. "If a fed on Earth heard you say something was 'as red as a rotizelle,' they'd be all over you."

"Yeah, well... at least that won't be a problem soon," Brittney says with a sorrowful look in her eye as she crosses her arms.

Brittney, Kevin, and Derrick share a knowing look. I remember Brittney telling me back in stage two that she was from Earth, but aside from that, I have no idea what anyone's talking about.

"Um..." I pipe up, awkwardly breaking the silence between the four of us. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Oh! Well, it's a long story... I can fill you in later," Brittney says, pulling out her phone. "Great Barrier Reef! It's already 3:17! I better get going! Bye, you guys!"

Brittney waves at Kevin, Derrick and I briefly before speeding off.

"Brittney!" I call out to no avail. "What's a barrier reef?!"

"Well," Kevin says, eyes glued to his phone again, "I better get going, too. You know how my mom gets."

He fist bumps Derrick and turns away, not even sparing me a passing glance as I stand on the balcony wondering how it is his mom gets.

Once Kevin and Brittney are gone, Derrick turns to me and smiles. "I'll see you out back," he says with a wink before turning and walking away from the balcony.

I gulp, shivers running down my spine. What is it I signed up for?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I glance at myself in the mirror I hung inside my locker. I don't look that nervous, do I? My twitching eyes and trembling lip say otherwise. I heave a shuddering sigh and close my locker door. It's useless. I don't know how I'll ever get over this stupid fear. I don't know what Derrick had in mind when he said he wanted to help me, but whatever it is, what good could it possibly do? After years upon years of journaling, meditation, and not to mention therapy, I've found that nothing has helped to cure me of my fear. So whatever Derrick has in mind, I'm almost certain it won't do me any good. I'm going to be afraid of pertheans forever!

With every step I take on the path to my destination, I grow more and more faint. My legs wobble like jelly, and my insides reduce to mush. My mind swarms with questions and anxieties about this meeting. Is it really safe for a human to be meeting with a perthean alone? Does Derrick really want to help me, or does he have it in for me? Am I going to make it out of this meeting alive?

I shake my head. Of course I'm going to make it out of this meeting alive! Derrick and I are friends after all, and I'm sure he has no intent to hurt me. He probably just wants to help, like he said.

As I'm thinking through these things, the image of that twisted grin plastered across my deskmate's face comes to my mind.

"Let me help you, Kaylin," I imagine Derrick saying. "When I'm through with you, you won't feel a thing ever again!"

My head quickly twists from side to side. I can't go through with this! I can't go out there and let him do whatever he wants to me! I have to get away now while I still can! I stop dead in my tracks, turning away from the hallway that leads to behind the school and run as fast as I can to the elevators that go down to the lobby.

After a moment of standing around, a mechanical whirr reaches my ears. A tone sounds on the overhead speaker, and the door in front of me slides open. Keeping my head down, I board the elevator with some other students.

My heart sinks as I step into the cabin. I'm running away. Again. Is this all I know how to do?

The image of Derrick smiling flashes in my mind. This time, it's the smile he gave me when he told me he wanted to help me. There was compassion in his eyes. I could see it. I could feel it. I think back to his words. 'Let me help you...'

I place a hand on the elevator door as it begins to shut, to the surprise of the other students.

"Sorry," I say. "I... forgot something."

I exit the elevator, turn the corner, and head straight down the hall until I happen upon a set of doors. Doors like these that lead outside of buildings are usually marked as emergency exits, since humans usually dwell in the undercity unless they leave through a proper exit. These doors, however, don't share any markings with the emergency exits I've seen around this school. So, if I'm right, they shouldn't sound an alarm.

I take a deep breath and exhale. This is it. No more running away. I crack open one of the doors and peer into the outside world, wondering what awaits me on the other side.

I immediately shield my eyes. It's so bright out here! Right when I think I'm adjusted to this foreign place, a wind carrying the early spring chill blows right through me, leaving me covered in goosebumps. I wince, rubbing my arms forcefully. I didn't miss being above ground.

"I was starting to think you wouldn't come," Derrick says.

My heartbeat quickens as I look up at my deskmate. He's standing a few perthean yards away from the balcony, which I find a bit strange. His hands are tucked away in his pockets, and his gaze is fixed on the ground.

"I-I..." I cough, hoping it'll stop my stuttering. "I had some trouble finding the exit."

"I see," Derrick says.

He keeps his eyes fixated on the ground, and only looks up at me for a brief moment before turning his eyes back to the concrete. He takes a deep breath and holds it in briefly before exhaling.

"Um," he finally says, breaking the silence between us. "I already asked you this before, but... I want to hear your answer."

Derrick shifts in place before locking eyes with me. I already know what he's going to ask, yet I can't stop my heart from pounding and pounding! And I don't know if it's because of the cold Carmen air or just because I'm so nervous, but I can't stop shivering!

"Kaylin," Derrick asks, "are you afraid of me?"

My insides contort into a knot. Why am I so nervous? I already told him earlier! Maybe it's just that I don't want to tell a perthean about my fear directly. Whatever the case, I have to tell him. I can't go back now.

I look down at the balcony floor, unsure of how I should go about confessing my fear. Should I apologize? I already did that before, so maybe I shouldn't do it again. Should I try to justify it? He's just so tall, after all! Then again, I don't want to make him angry. Maybe I should just come out and say it. But standing here with my legs wobbling, my shoulders shuddering, and my throat drier than a desert, how can I?

"Kaylin?" Derrick says.

"I-I—" I stutter helplessly under my deskmate's gaze. I hold my breath, only for my lungs to scream at me to let the air go so they can take in more oxygen at an ever-accelerating pace. My heart skips a beat. I release the breath I was holding in and try to look my deskmate in the eyes.

Derrick looks at me blankly. I can't help but wonder what's going through his mind.

Unable to keep eye contact, I tear my gaze away from Derrick's and settle it back on the balcony floor. "Yes," I say.

There's a silence between us. The wind rustles through the nearby trees and blows through the grass that surrounds our empty portion of the school grounds. I'm relieved to have gotten my answer out, but I'm worried about what's on Derrick's mind as a result. Did he really mean what he said about helping me? Is he really sensitive like Brittney said? Did I hurt him by telling him I'm afraid? Does he want to hurt me?

I look back up at Derrick. His lips are pursed and his eyes, fixed on the ground, move back and forth as if he's deep in contemplation.

"When did this start?" he asks.

I gulp. Visuals I don't want to remember come flooding back to my mind. A short walk past the undercity exit through an enormous city above ground. A dark, unsuspecting alleyway. A tall perthean man with narrowed brown eyes.

I shake the thoughts away. I'm not going back there. "It's... always been this way, ever since I was little."

"But can you pinpoint a specific memory?" Derrick asks.

"I-I...!" I stutter again as I fall victim to my own thoughts.

The tall perthean man in the alleyway turns to me with a devilish grin. He's approaching me! His hands are coming for me, and I'm glued to the ground! I can't move! My heart slams against my ribcage, and my lungs gasp for air as I stand in place, unable to snap out of the trance I'm in!

"Anything at all?" my deskmate asks.

I grip the railing in front of me tightly, my brows furrowed in anger as I blink back the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes. "You... you need to mind your own business," I say through gritted teeth.

"What?" Derrick asks, confused.

"Mind your own business!" I shout, the tears I so desperately tried to blink back now streaming down my face one by one. I grip the railing in front of me even tighter than before, it being the only thing keeping me grounded in reality and away from the memories my mind wants to force on me so desperately.

"I'm... sorry I upset you," Derrick says, taking a step backward. "I... I should go," he says, turning around and hurrying away.

I look up to see Derrick walking away, his head down and his hands hidden away in his pockets. A burning guilt builds in my chest. What have I done? My friend offers to help me with my fear, and I chase him away? I look at my hands. What kind of monster am I? What's he going to think of me now?

"Derrick, wait! Please!" I call out. I just hope he can hear me!

My deskmate stops only a few more perthean yards from where he once stood. My heartbeat rings in my ears. I have his attention? What do I say now?!

"I...! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to snap at you like that!" I shout.

Derrick remains motionless. What I said must have really gotten to him. I feel horrible!

I breathe in and out. "When you told me you wanted to help me, I didn't know what to think. I thought maybe it was a joke, or maybe you wanted to give me a piece of your mind for being afraid of your people, but... I've been scared for so long."

I shift in place, not really sure what I'm saying or where I'm going with this. Derrick stays in place, only turning his head back towards me slightly.

"I... I don't know where else to turn," I say, gripping the railing in front of me again. "I could never ask this of anyone else, so...!"

I lean over the balcony as far as I'm able to, eyes fixated on Derrick's distant figure. Yes, I'm terrified of pertheans. No, I'd rather not be attending a deskmate school. But this one awkward perthean boy... he's somehow managed to sneak his way into my heart in spite of those things, and I'm finding that I don't want to lose him. Not over something as stupid as this!

"I need your help, Derrick!" I shout. "Please, help me!"

I stare onward at my deskmate, who is still glued to the same spot as before. Nothing. I guess he's not going to forgive me this time. I look down to the balcony floor in defeat. I knew this was too good to be true. An opportunity like Derrick offered me only comes once in a lifetime, and I crushed it. My fear became too much to handle in the moment, and in front of a perthean? Forget it. It was only a matter of time before I lashed out like this. I'll be lucky if Derrick ever talks to me again after this.

Footsteps, one by one, make their way towards the balcony. Anxiety swelling in my gut, I keep my head down as a massive shadow overtakes my little frame.

"Kaylin..." Derrick says, his voice trailing off.

I look up at him, not sure what to expect but fearing the worst. His eyes are full of wonder, and his mouth is left agape. He blinks at me a few times and smiles.

"I'll do it," he says, "I'll help you overcome your fear!"

I gasp. Maybe it's the chill of the cooler surface world air. Maybe it's the cold early spring wind blowing through my hair. Maybe it's the slightest bit of warmth from the sun peaking through the clouds. Whatever it is, it washes over me, relieving my anxiety.

"Th-thank you," I say, wiping my tears away. "Really."

"Don't mention it," Derrick says. "Now, getting back to the matter at hand..."

He lifts his hand and moves it towards me. What's he doing?! I stumble backward, almost tripping over my own two feet in the process. Derrick rests his hand over the balcony railing in front of me, his palm facing upwards. Shivering and shielding myself with my arms, I struggle to catch my breath after such an unexpected movement. I look at his hand, confused, and then look at him. This isn't balcony etiquette. Why is he offering me his whole hand?

"Shall we get started?" my deskmate says with a smile.

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #g/t #giant/tiny #g/t writing #sorry this took so long and that ive been absent aaaaaaaaAAA a lot has been going on for me recently asdefgfdjhdkhn #anyway i hope you all enjoy this new chapter and i will *hopefully* have a new one for you next week!!! #also... in other news im making a new cover for the book :0 #idk if ill reveal it until the book gets printed or not but i might just reveal it bc im proud of it so farrrrrr

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 12)

Links:

Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

- - - - - - - - - -

The past few days at Pacific Deskmate High School have been more or less an improvement over the first two. But despite somehow becoming friends with a perthean, I've been struggling more than ever to hide my fear.

On Secandday, Derrick dropped his Biology textbook right beside me on his desk! All I could do was stand there, adrenaline flooding through my system as I ruminated on how easily I could have been crushed. Would he have even noticed if the book landed right on top of me? Was he trying to kill me? Honestly, it wouldn't be hard at all for him to drop a book like that on me and make my death look like an accident...

On Sirdday, he poked me in the middle of Algebra to ask if I had written down a certain formula before the teacher cleared the whiteboard. I'm not sure whether or not he was trying to be gentle, but the force of that unexpected poke was enough to send me into a spiral about how he could easily pin me down with nothing more than a single finger if he wanted to.

And on Forsday, after our English lesson on Greek and Latin root words, I was glad to watch him happily ramble away on the subject. It was only when he lifted me up off the desk that I guess he somehow managed to forget he was dealing with a human! He snatched me up so fast, so effortlessly, as if I didn't even weigh a thing! I thought for sure I would be flung across the room! He apologized, so I know he could tell I was scared, and that's not good.

If I were to slip up and reveal to Derrick that I have a fear, it'd ruin our friendship for sure! We'd be worse off than we were at square one! I need to make sure I'm doing whatever it takes to keep this fear hidden from him. I've never let a perthean find out about my fear before, and I don't plan on letting one find out now! Who knows how Derrick would react after finding out about my fear?

Ever since Derrick and I became friends, I've felt guilty for having this fear. I don't want him to think I see him as some kind of monster! But standing here on the balcony, watching him approach me, all I can think about is how much I want to get out of here before it's too late!

I tighten my grip on the balcony railing until my knuckles turn white to keep myself from running away, but that doesn't stop my legs from restlessly fidgeting beneath me. My heart pulsates as I'm covered by Derrick's shadow, and my lungs gasp for more air than I can take in with each shallow, shuddering breath. I need to get away from him!

"Hey, Kaylin!" Derrick says, smiling down at me.

My heart skips a beat as I stare into his big blue eyes, nothing short of terrified at the sight of my perthean friend. I try in vain to back up, my grip on the railing stopping me. I know I can't just run away— that would reveal that I'm afraid. As slowly and as steadily as I can, I take a deep breath and hold the cold surface air in for a moment before setting it free.

"Hi, D-Derrick!" I say, kicking myself for stuttering.

"How are you this morning?" Derrick asks, holding out his index finger for me.

I know I can do this, I've done it before. I release my hands from the balcony railing and carefully wrap my arms around Derrick's finger. It twitches in response to my touch, catching me by surprise. It still blows my mind how something as minute as a twitch to a perthean can translate into a harsh jolt for a human like me!

"I'm good!" I manage to squeak as Derrick lifts me from the balcony. "And you?"

"I'm doing well," he responds with a slight chuckle that I'm almost certain I can feel through his hand as he sets me down in his palm.

Once I'm settled in his hand, Derrick turns and starts heading to our first class. As we're moving along, I find myself staring at the fingers that surround me. They're a bit... close. Too close. Each long, curled digit is about the same length as I am, and about as wide as a tree trunk. A trunk of a human-scaled tree, that is— like we have in the undercity. I don't even want to consider the thought of a being with fingers that would match the width of a perthean-scaled tree! Such a being could easily hold a perthean in their hand the way my deskmate is holding me now...

I watch Derrick's fingers as they curl inward, every second inching closer and closer to where I sit in the center of his palm. My core tightens and my racing heart sinks in my chest. Does he realize what he's doing?

Without warning, each massive extremity begins to slowly wrap around me. I let out a gasp. What's he doing?! I look up at Derrick as his grip on me tightens. He's... smiling?!

My insides churn upon seeing a twisted smile plastered across my deskmate's face, and narrowed brown eyes that show no signs of mercy. My heartbeat rings in my ears as I squirm between the fingers fastened around me in a pathetic attempt to escape from Derrick's unyielding grip on me.

"W-what are you doing?!" I stammer, trembling in my deskmate's clutches.

"What I should have done the moment I first laid eyes on you," he says, letting out a loud, deranged cackle as he tightens his grip on my figure.

As I'm gasping, fighting for air, a sob rises in my throat.

"I-I thought we were friends!" I cry.

My deskmate lifts me close to his eyes. Those narrowed brown eyes... there's something off about them.

"No real perthean would be caught dead befriending a pathetic little weakling like you!"

"P-please!" I beg, tears streaming down my face as I struggle with all my might to escape this perthean's grasp. "D-Don't hurt me!"

"Huh?"

I open my eyes and look up at my deskmate. He's stopped in his tracks, raising an eyebrow at me. His big, blue eyes look to be searching mine for some kind of explanation to what must have sounded like quite a perplexing remark.

Blue...! I knew his eyes were blue!

I look at my surroundings. I'm in Derrick's open palm, and his fingers are only bended toward me slightly. I look at myself. One of my legs is curled inward, and the other is stretched out as if I tried to scoot backwards. Oh no. What happened here?

"Kaylin?" Derrick says as he lifts me closer to his face, his eyes filled with concern. "Don't what?"

"I-I—" I stutter.

I stare into Derrick's eyes, my heart sinking further in my chest with each rapid beat. I can't think of anything to say! He's bound to realize I have a fear now!

"Don't... don't forget there's an English quiz today!" I blurt out.

Really?! That's all I could think to say?!

"Oh, is that all?" Derrick says with a chuckle. "I could have sworn..."

I resist the urge to curl up into a ball with all my might as I quake in my deskmate's hand. Is he about to call me out?

"Nah, it's nothing. Nevermind," he says, continuing the walk to our first class.

That was close. Too close.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Brittney huffs and puffs down the hall with the neon pink and orange lunchbox she retrieved from her locker after gym. Even after cool-down, showering, and changing back into our regular uniforms, I'm surprised to see her still struggling to catch her breath.

"Hey," I say, coming alongside her after we reach the cafeteria. "Good running today."

"Thanks!" She laughs. "Running always takes it out of me, but knowing lunch was coming was enough to keep me going!"

We sit down together at an empty table and take out our lunch. I unwrap what I'm decently sure is a turkey and swiss sandwich and take a bite. Brittney takes out a thermos and a grilled cheese.

"Grilled cheese again?" I ask.

"I guess so. What's the note of the day?" Brittney asks.

I'd completely forgotten to check for a note from Dad. I rummage around the brown paper bag in front of me and pull out a note. This one says:

What is a geode without its crystals, an oyster without its pearl?

So it is with a person's heart.

- Zenara

"Wow," Brittney says. "I didn't think your Dad was one to quote Zenara."

"He found one of my mom's old poetry books when we were moving and has been flipping through it over the past few days," I say, setting the scrap of paper down on the table. "I'll probably be getting more notes like this."

"So..." Brittney says, folding her hands together and propping her chin on top of them. "Speaking of looking into people's hearts, how are things going with Derrick?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask, befuddled.

Brittney rolls her eyes. "You know, seeing him for how he is on the inside in spite of how he appears on the outside! Like the quote?"

"So that's what that means?" I say, looking back to the note. I've never really been one for poetry— it usually goes right over my head. I figured it was the same with Dad, and especially Brittney.

"Anyway, spill it! How are you two getting along?" Brittney asks, eyes wide with anticipation.

"You say that like we're dating or something!"

"You know what I mean, girl, now spill!"

"Well," I sigh, "things are going... well, they're going."

Brittney pouts. "Come on, you know I want more than that!"

"Okay, fine, fine!" I say, waving my hands. I stare at my sandwich in contemplation. "Ever since we became friends... I've felt guilty for having a fear. And not only that, it's been getting harder to hide it!"

"Go on," Brittney says, her brows turning upward.

"I guess it's only a matter of time before Derrick finds out about my fear. And after that, I'm not so sure he'll want to stay friends with me."

"Why not?" Brittney asks.

"I mean— who would want to be friends with someone who only thinks of them as some kind of monster that's out to get them?" I rest my cheek on my hand in defeat. "Maybe I should just tell him I have a fear and get it over with. That way, at least I'll know how he feels, and if he doesn't want to be friends anymore then it'll hurt less now than it would if he found out later on."

"I-I wouldn't do that!" Brittney blurts out.

"What?"

"I-I mean, normally I'd tell you to be honest, but Derrick..." Brittney trails off, looking down into her soup.

What's she going on about?

"Brittney, what about Derrick?" I ask.

Brittney shakes her head. "Nothing. It's nothing. What I mean to say is... I don't think telling him outright that you have a fear would be the best idea."

"Why not?"

"Well, some pertheans don't really know how to act around humans who are afraid of them. For some, it might get to them."

My insides twist. "Are you saying Derrick is like that? Would he really be hurt to find out about my fear?"

"Well..." Brittney says, averting her gaze. "All I'm saying is I wouldn't tell him if I were you. Derrick is... sensitive."

I know Brittney's known Derrick much longer than I have. If she says I shouldn't tell him about my fear, I'm inclined to trust her judgment. I just can't help but wonder... what isn't she saying?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"So, what are you up to this weekend?" Brittney asks as we approach the spot on the balcony where we've been meeting up with the boys.

"I don't know, I might try my hand at gardening. We found one of those indoor planters when we were going through our stuff before the move."

"Ooh!" Brittney says, clapping. "Gardening! I've always wanted to try! Especially since the undercity is so void of greenery compared to above ground."

"After that, Dad and I will probably watch Stranded together," I say, wondering how much we need to catch up on before Restday night's new episode.

Brittney's eyes get wide and she grabs onto both of my arms. "Did you say... did you say Stranded?!"

"Um... yeah?" I say as I look down at the hands gripping my arms, her grip a bit too tight for my liking.

"I. Love. Stranded. It's like, my favorite show ever!" She gasps. "Do you read fanfiction?! I'm working on this one story about Jack and Merlot— I should totally send it over to you!"

"Hey guys!" my deskmate says.

Dread fills the air, and a burning anxiety creeps up my spine. My legs quake, and I nearly trip over them as I leap behind Brittney to shield myself from this perthean boy. This perthean boy... who's supposed to be my friend. I realize I shouldn't be hiding from Derrick, especially since I don't want him to find out about my fear— but no matter what I do, I can't seem to stop myself from shaking uncontrollably like a cold, wet puppy!

"Kaylin? Are you—" Derrick starts.

Brittney laughs. "If you think this is bad, you should have seen her this morning when I snuck up on her with a hug!"

What? Brittney didn't do that! I didn't even see her today until it was time for gym! I look at Brittney, and she looks back at me. She winks.

"Ha, ha... yeah," I say, slowly coming out from behind my friend. I fold my hands together in front of me, all the while trying my hardest to suppress my unrelenting trembling.

I look up at Derrick, who stares right back at me with a blank expression. He hums flatly. Does he buy it?

"Well, I'm not sure where Kevin went, but Kaylin and I should probably be getting to Biology," Derrick says. "Are you okay waiting by yourself?"

"Yeah," Brittney says. "Kevin's a slacker. I'm used to it by now. You guys go on ahead!"

A knot forms in my throat as Derrick lifts his index finger and places it in front of me. With how many times we've had to do this so far, even today alone, shouldn't I be used to this by now? I try to be discreet about wiping my sweaty hands on my skirt, and then manage to wrap my arms around Derrick's finger in spite of the sinking, spiraling feeling in my gut.

"Have fun, you two!" Brittney calls out as Derrick lifts me from the balcony.

I expect Derrick to say something in turn, but he remains silent. He places me in his palm and turns to head to our Biology class. He remains silent the whole trip there.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Our Koronian class has nearly passed us by, and Derrick has barely spoken a word to me since the incident at the balcony before Biology. I try to focus on the lesson being taught, but the history of adjectives in the Koronian language fails to occupy my brain as much as my anxiety does.

Does he know I have a fear? Is he mad at me? Does he think I see him as a monster? Does he still want to be friends with me, or is he thinking about some way to go about telling me how inconsiderate it is to have a fear of pertheans? What if he hates me? What if we end up being stuck in an even more awkward relationship than what we had when we first met? What if he doesn't want to be deskmates anymore?

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Derrick's notetaking. I know he loves languages, so I was sure he'd be taking as many notes about Koronian as possible during class. What I find odd, though, is that I haven't heard him write anything down until now. After a few seconds of pencil scratching, he goes silent again.

I try to take my focus off of Derrick and keep it on the teacher, but just as I tune back into the lesson, his notebook slides into my peripheral vision. Do I dare look? I pretend I don't see the notebook and shift my focus away from Derrick. After a moment, he slides the notebook closer to me. As worried as I am, I can't help but wonder what he wants to tell me. I hesitate, but take the bait and read the note presented to me.

Are you afraid of me?

Hot blood rushes to my cheeks, and my heart pounds against my ribcage. My whole frame trembles as I turn my head to the shaking hands in my lap. He knows.

I try to steady my quivering breaths. I can't let myself panic. Not now. Not in the middle of this class, not in front of all these pertheans... not in front of Derrick. We're so close to the end of the schoolday. All I have to do is sit through the rest of Koronian, get to the balcony, and go home! He'll forget all about this tomorrow, and I'll have a better chance to hide my fear then.

Derrick taps his notebook, drawing my attention back to it. Why is he so insistent? He underlines the question he wrote with his pencil. He's not going to be satisfied without an answer, is he?

I stare down at my own notebook laying atop my desk. What should I do? Should I answer? Should I try to continue ignoring him? How long can I keep this up?

As I'm lost in contemplation again, a large, warm surface presses against my back, poking me. That's it. I scrawl down a response in my notebook.

Why are you so insistent on me answering this question?

I can't keep from trembling as I push my notebook to the side of my desk. Derrick leans over in his seat. He's so close! I try to take deep breaths in and out, but my constant shuddering makes my breathing anything but smooth.

Derrick sits back in his seat. Silence. Maybe he'll finally leave me alone. Just as I begin to let my shoulders droop and my muscles relax, I hear it again: the scratching of Derrick's pencil against paper. A few seconds later, he pushes his notebook back into my view.

Why are you so insistent on not answering this question?

He just won't let it go! What should I say?! What should I do?!

Brittney said I shouldn't tell Derrick about my fear because he's 'sensitive.' But what was it she didn't tell me? What's going to happen if I'm honest with Derrick? Should I lie?

Derrick underlines the question again.

Are you afraid of me?

My heart sinks, weighing me down, and there's an aching unease deep in my inner core. Do I tell him? Can I tell him? I stare at my notebook as anxiety creeps up my back and threatens to choke me. Hands trembling and barely able to grip my pencil, I write my response and slide my notebook back into Derrick's view.

I'm sorry.

He's quick to scribble down a response.

You're sorry?

I don't think and simply let my pencil glide along my paper. I slide over my answer:

I'm sorry that I'm afraid of you.

I sit in my anxiety, nervously awaiting Derrick's inevitable reply. What will he say now? Will he call me a coward? A bigot? Would he call me... a tiny?

Silence. He must be satisfied with my answer. I just hope things aren't awkward for us after class. I rub my legs to keep them from jumping up and down under my desk, and return my focus to the teacher.

Scribbling. It's quiet at first, then harsh. There's the sound of an eraser rubbing the paper, followed by more harsh scribbling. I clench my fists as tears prick the edges of my eyes. He's really going to let me have it, isn't he? My heartbeat, oddly enough, slows down as I think through what must be in store for me. Deep down, he's no different than that man, is he? Merciless. Unforgiving. Cruel. No perthean could ever be understanding when someone thinks of them as a monster, could they?

Derrick slides his notebook back over. Blinking back tears, I brace for impact, breathing in and out, and turn to see what it is he's penned.

Let me help you.

What? What's he talking about? He's not going to let me have it? I hesitate before looking back at Derrick as apprehensively as ever. He's... smiling.

"What?" I whisper.

He points to what he wrote on the page, and looks back at me. I spin back around in my seat, my mind buzzing with questions. What does he mean? Is that even possible? Is he joking? I pull my notebook back towards myself and start writing. Once I'm finished writing, I push my notebook back into Derrick's view.

What are you talking about?

Again, he doesn't hesitate, but writes his response swiftly.

Are you free to meet behind the school after class?

An uneasiness creeps up from my gut and into my throat. I gulp. He wants to meet after school? What does this mean? Is he serious, or does he have something more sinister in mind? I stare at my hands in my lap. What should I do?

I turn around and look Derrick in the eyes. As he smiles at me, his wide blue eyes seem to smile, too. I have no idea what to say, and I can barely breathe! He looks at me with anticipation. Almost as if to ask, 'Well? What do you say?'

I nod. I have no idea what I'm supposed to expect, but at this point, what do I have left to lose? Derrick laughs softly as he continues smiling at me.

"Mr. Drake and Miss Finch!" the teacher says, raising her voice and catching Derrick and I by surprise. "Is there something the two of you would like to share with the rest of the class?"

I turn back around in my seat, my heart fluttering and my cheeks as hot as ever.

"No, m'am!" Derrick and I both exclaim.

I try to focus on the lesson again, but all that comes to mind is my deskmate. Really, what could he possibly mean by helping me? And what did I just sign up for?

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #g/t #giant/tiny #g/t writing #I'm still working on the conlang for this book and the days of the week are based on numbers 1-5 then “rest day” #the idea is that the days of the week were translated into English a long time ago and then the spelling and pronunciation morphed #due to influence from the Koronian language #BUT ANYWAY #THINGS HAPPEN IN THIS CHAPTER AAAAAAAAHHHHH #It's getting to the really good part!!! I hope you all enjoy!!!

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 16)

Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter (Coming Soon!)

A/N & T/W: Hey guys, just as a heads up I wanted to let you know that this chapter contains an intrusive daydream of Kaylin's that may be uncomfortable or traumatic for some of my readers. It deals with food and the idea of humans and pertheans eating together. I wanted to convey how this makes Kaylin uncomfortable without making my readers uncomfortable. I've thought a lot about what I've written and I don't believe I've crossed any lines, but for those like me who like G/t but struggle with the idea of food or sharing a meal in that context (and of course, the fears associated with that), the content may be uncomfortable to read. I just want to make it clear that my content does not and never will contain fetish material. My writing will always be safe for work content as I strive to please God in all I do. With that being said, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

- - - - - - - - - -

It was only about a month ago that Dad and I packed our bags and moved half way across Koronia, and now it's already Rosan. At first, I wasn't expecting much from my dad's hometown, but I've been blown away with how much has happened since we arrived in Chancelor. I wasn't expecting to be forced into attending a deskmate school, and I certainly wasn't thinking I'd ever become friends with a perthean. I always worried about what would happen if a perthean found out about my fear, but never in a million years would I have ever predicted that one would actually want to help me overcome it!

Derrick and I have met up after school a few times now, and although these meetups have been helping me a little, I'm still not sure what my deskmate has in mind for us in the long run. Surely there's more to this than practicing eye contact and learning how to step onto a perthean's palm without falling over.

I think through what could possibly be next as Brittney and I make the trek from the cafeteria back to the pickup area.

"I really wish we could all just have our lunch together, you know?" Brittney says with a huff, interrupting my thoughts.

"What?! What makes you say that?" I ask, my heart skipping a beat at her suggestion as I desperately try to keep my mind from forming any pictures of sharing a lunch table with pertheans.

"It's just... we'd have so much more time to hang out as a group if we had our lunch together! Since this school is so focused on getting humans and pertheans to get along, you'd think they'd want us to have meals together, right?"

I hadn't thought about it before, but I guess what Brittney's saying makes sense. I was surprised when I first found out I wouldn't be sharing Physical Education or lunch periods with my deskmate, but in my relief, I decided not to question it. I suppose separating for P.E. makes sense since it's not a good idea to mix humans and pertheans for strenuous activities like exercise, but what about lunch period?

"Come to think of it," I start, a part of me curious to know and another part of me fearing the answer, "why do we separate for lunch period, anyway?"

Brittney's eyes narrow as she looks away, her lips pouting.

"It's all that Steven's fault!" she says.

I blink. "Steven? Who's Steven?"

"Soaring Steven, back in the twenties. Lunch period was shared here until he had his deskmate throw him across the cafeteria to see if one of their friends could catch him. Landed in a girl's soup and even broke some bones in the process," Brittney says.

I shudder at the realization that humans are light enough to pertheans to be thrown across a room by them. Not only that, but we're small enough to swim in their soup, too! I'm relieved that I don't have to suffer through a shared lunch period with my deskmate, but I can't stop myself from shaking at the idea.

I turn from side to side only to realize that I'm surrounded by mountains of colossal foods stacked much taller than I am with no way of escape. I spin around to face a wall of green fabric that I trace up, up, and up to my deskmate's enormous face. He ravenously gorges himself on nearly half of the sandwich in his hand—tearing off a hunk bigger than me—and thoughtfully chews his meal, his eyes locked with mine. My legs tremble beneath me as I stumble backwards, my eyes darting anywhere but the sight in front of me. This isn't happening.

As I continue to inch away from the perthean in front of me one of my feet makes contact with a thick metal prong, causing me to let out a yelp as I fall flat on my back. Lightheaded and out of breath, I sit up and discover the object was one of the tines on a huge fork.

A massive digit rests under my chin and leads my gaze back to the tall perthean boy in front of me. He gulps down the rest of his sandwich while his big blue eyes scrutinize my fallen form.

"Kaylin," he chuckles. "You're so... tiny, you know that?"

I stare into those massive blue orbs of his as blood rushes to my cheeks, making my ears hot. Anxiety floods my nervous system leaving me incapable of doing anything but quiver where I sit.

Tiny...?

"Anyway," Brittney says, interrupting my thoughts again, "after that incident... the school decided it would be best for deskmates to have 'less time for shenanigans' or something like that. If you ask me, they shouldn't have punished the whole school for a couple of students' idiocy!"

I stare down at my quaking hands. Tears prick the edges of my glazed eyes, and one or two trail down my face. I try to steady my breathing, but my lungs begin to take in more and more air at an increasing rate.

"Hey," Brittney says, turning to me. "Kaylin, are you—"

WHAM!

Something crashes into Brittney and I, interrupting our conversation and sending us both to the floor along with the contents of our open bookbags.

"Hey! What's the big idea?!" Brittney says, dusting herself off as she sits up.

"I-I'm sorry, I couldn't—" utters a boy on the floor in front of us. He coughs, lowering the tone of his voice. "I mean, it was an accident."

Brittney sighs. "That's okay. Here, let me help you with your books."

"Th-that won't be necessary." The boy says, brushing his black hair away from his green eyes before scrambling to pick up his books.

I rub my head, which throbs from the impact with the boy. I blink a few times, staring at him. He's familiar to me, but I'm not sure why.

"Hey, wait a minute," I start, remembering my encounter with that boy from my apartment last week. "Aren't you—"

The boy looks to me, eyes wide, and shakes his head vigorously. He grabs the rest of his books from the floor and stands, running off to the balcony without another word.

"Ugh! Rude! And hasn't he ever heard of a bookbag?" Brittney grumbles. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I say, picking up Brittney's Algebra textbook and passing it to her.

"The nerve of that guy! 'That won't be necessary...' just who does he think he is bumping into people and then running off like that?"

As Brittney passes me my Koronian and Biology textbooks, I can't help but wonder why Sam was in such a hurry to get away from us. He's run away from me twice now, which I find a little odd. And why wasn't he wearing his glasses? He probably could have avoided bumping into us if he had worn them.

"Hey, what's this?" Brittney says, picking up my sketchbook and flipping through the pages.

My heart sinks heavily in my chest. I've never let anyone look through my sketchbook before! Most of the drawings in there are unfinished sketches, many of which I never ended up being happy with, and none of which I feel too excited about sharing. But as Brittney flips through the pages, her eyes widen in awe with every new piece of artwork she lays eyes on.

"You made these? They're incredible!" Brittney exclaims.

"They're not that great, really." I say, reaching for the sketchbook.

Just as I'm about to take the book away from Brittney, she lets out a big gasp and turns the interior toward me. On the pages are two nearly completed sketches of Captain Tristen and Merlot from Stranded, respectively. They're old drawings, and not ones I'm particularly proud of. My insides convulse and cringe as I'm met with the sight of improper foreshortening and all sorts of rushed, sloppy details.

"You draw Stranded?! You know this is my favorite show ever, right?!"

Brittney babbles on elatedly and at a rate I find myself straining to keep up with. I can hardly make out what she's saying, but from what I can tell she's gushing about some recent revelations about Merlot and how she was able to predict them in her fanfic.

"Anyway, here! See? This is my cover!" Brittney says, pulling out her phone and swiping to Splosion. She shoves her phone into my hands to reveal the cover for 'Jack And Merlot: A Frame Of Mind,' which consists of a crude doodle of the titular duo holding hands.

"Oh, um... cute!" I respond, my mind still struggling to process what she's going on about.

"Do you think you could draw me a new cover?" Brittney blurts out, her hands clenched excitedly.

"I-I don't know... wouldn't it be put online for anyone to see?" I ask, the idea of strangers seeing my art making my insides flip.

"Well, yeah, but they don't have to know who drew it unless you want them to!" Brittney responds, folding her hands together and pleading with her big brown eyes. "Come on! Pleaaase? Your art is so good!"

I think for a moment as I look into Brittney's unrelenting puppy eyes. I guess it wouldn't hurt to draw her a picture for her story, especially if no one has to know I'm the artist.

"Sure," I finally answer.

"Yippee!" Brittney exclaims, jumping up and down like a little kid.

"Come on," I say, handing Brittney's phone back to her and taking back my sketchbook. "We're going to be late for sixth period!"

"Oh! Right!"

Brittney turns and hurries down the hall to the balcony. Before following after her, I quickly flip through my sketchbook and land on a page with a finished sketch of a perthean boy and a human girl laughing together under a cherry tree. My cheeks redden when I lay eyes on it and my insides flip around again. I let out a sigh, relieved that Brittney didn't get this far into the book.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"So!" Brittney exclaims from the balcony, her hands secured on the railing as she beams up at my deskmate. "Your birthday! What do you have planned?!"

Derrick rubs the back of his head, grinning sheepishly. "I didn't exactly plan anything."

"Come on," Brittney says, "there has to be something you'd like to do on your special day! Can't you think of anything?"

Derrick places a hand under his chin and closes his eyes, thinking for a moment. "Well, I won't be home until around five, since I have... an appointment."

Kevin looks up from his phone. "You made an appointment on your birthday? What for?"

"I— well, yeah. It's a... doctor's appointment. I forgot to reschedule," my deskmate says, glancing in my direction. "But if you guys want to come over to my house at 5:30 or so, we could hang out? Maybe play some games?"

"I'm in!" Brittney hollers, pumping her fist in the air.

"Sure," Kevin answers, his eyes once again glued to his phone. "Need us to bring anything?"

"You could bring some games if you have any, but other than that nothing comes to mind," Derrick says.

Brittney turns to me, her eyes wide with excitement. "You're coming too, right Kaylin?!"

The world begins to spin as the others' eyes all turn to me. Me? Go to a perthean's house? No way! The enormous classrooms at school are hard enough for me to deal with as it is, but an entire house? I don't think I could handle it! The sheer scale of everyday items would overwhelm me for sure!

"I... don't know," I say. "I think my dad needs me home for... something." I mentally kick myself for not being able to think of any kind of real excuse.

"I'm sure your dad won't mind!" Brittney reasons. "After all, birthdays only come once a year!"

I look around at the group. Brittney's grinning with her hands pressed together, gazing at me expectantly. Derrick gives me a knowing smile, his brows upturned. And then my eyes fall on Kevin. His narrowed brown eyes look void of any life as he stares me down from above. My gut twists and turns as the weight of his stare presses down on me.

I can't go to this party. No way. Not if he's coming. How did Derrick manage to become friends with this guy, anyway? Was it just because of Brittney? And why is Brittney even with this guy? They're complete opposites! My fear may include all pertheans, but it's pertheans like Kevin that really terrify me!

"Kaylin?" Brittney says, pulling me from my thoughts. "What do you say?"

"I-I'll talk to my dad," I stutter. "But I really think he needs me for... that thing."

"Great! See you all there!" Brittney spins around with her arms stretched wide and heads for the door. I don't think she registered what it was I said at all.

"Hang on there, princess," Kevin says, causing Brittney to come to a halt and turn back around.

Princess? I never expected a guy like Kevin to call his girlfriend something so sappy!

"Yes, my prince?" Brittney answers, clasping her hands together as she flutters her eyelashes.

"If you're going to Derrick's place, you might as well come with me. You can't get there by train, you know," Kevin says.

"I guess you're right," Brittney giggles.

Kevin looks over his shoulder, presumably to see if any teachers are nearby, and then offers his open palm to Brittney who runs and leaps into it with a loud 'wheee!' The way she flew into his hand without a second thought makes me think about how I can barely even walk onto Derrick's open palm without struggling and stumbling. How does she make it look so easy?

"Shh!" Kevin hushes his girlfriend. "I'm not supposed to pick you up this way in here!"

"Sorry," Brittney says, her lip protruding in a pout.

"See you later," Kevin says to Derrick before walking off, mumbling something to Brittney about how he doesn't want to get in trouble 'again.' I guess I'll have to ask Brittney what that means later.

Derrick looks at me and laughs.

"What?" I ask.

"I'd like to see you jump into my hand like that," he says.

My face reddens, and I immediately avert my gaze. "D-don't be ridiculous! What those two did was dangerous!"

"I know, I know," Derrick says. "It's just that..."

His unfinished phrase hangs in the air for a moment, causing me to wonder what it is he means to say. I look back at my deskmate, his gaze fixed on me. What emotion is filling his eyes I can't say, but what I do know is that something has to be weighing on his mind.

"It's just that what?" I finally ask.

"Nothing," Derrick says, shaking his head. "I'll see you out back."

With that, he turns away, leaving the balcony behind him as he heads down the hall. My heart sinks in my chest. What isn't he saying?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I heave a sigh as I close the door behind me. I feel bad we didn't cancel our meetup for today, considering it's Derrick's birthday and all.

"Hey," he says with a smile, approaching the balcony and placing his hand on top of it. It's sort of become routine for me to walk onto his hand at the start of our meet ups, not that I've gotten any better at it.

"Hey," I answer as I approach his open palm.

The size of his hand still manages to freak me out, but at least I'm not as averse to it as I was when he first started helping me with my fear. After a bit of wobbling and struggling, I manage to position myself in the center of my deskmate's palm and sit down.

"Sorry for making you come out here on your birthday," I say with my head down as I nervously twiddle my thumbs. "I know there's other things you'd rather be doing right now."

"Aw, come on, you know that's not true!" Derrick beams at me from above. "There's nothing I'd rather be doing right now than helping out a friend."

I smile back at him, though his words don't reassure me completely.

"Now," he starts as he moves beside the balcony and gently sits down, "since you've been improving so much this week with both eye contact and with walking onto my hand, I thought we'd try something new. If you're up for it, that is."

"Something new?" I ask, my gut immediately beginning to twist. "Like what?"

"Would you be up for trying shoulder etiquette?"

"Shoulder etiquette?"

"Yeah! I'd place you on my shoulder, and you'd stand there," Derrick explains. "It's a formal form of etiquette that even the teachers use, so we can practice it during school as well."

My mind flashes back to orientation day, when I saw most of the school staff going around in pairs like that. I remember Derrick had asked me that day if I wanted to try standing on his shoulder, and I coldly turned him down. A weight fills my chest as I think about all the ways I was unkind to Derrick before we became friends.

"Okay," I say, "we can try it."

Derrick nods and lifts the hand I'm in up to his shoulder. My core tightens and my heart thrashes about within me as the distance between us gets smaller and smaller. As I find myself nearing the crook of his neck, I begin to feel heat radiating from his body like a space heater. He's so warm! My insides do a somersault, and my cheeks redden as I release a shuddering breath. I don't think I've ever been this close to anyone before, let alone a perthean!

I slowly rise from my place in Derrick's palm, carefully maneuvering past his fingers and onto his shoulder. I nearly slip once or twice as I struggle to maintain my balance, but manage to secure myself by grabbing onto the collar of the white button up he's wearing under his blazer.

"How are you doing?" He asks, removing his hand and leaving me stranded on his shoulder.

My eyes can't help but wander downward until I'm gazing helplessly at the hard concrete below us. Even though my deskmate is sitting down, I'm still so high above the ground! A fall from this height would certainly kill me! I let out a yelp and slam my eyes shut, gripping the collar of Derrick's shirt more tightly lest I slip and fall to my death!

"Hm, not good?" Derrick asks. "I suppose it takes some getting used to. Just hold onto me, you'll be fine."

"Mhm," I hum as I try to keep myself from trembling. If my legs continue to quake like this, I'll slip for sure! I have no idea how the teachers or the other students at school manage to go around like this!

"So, while you're getting adjusted..." Derrick begins, "is there anything you'd like to talk about?"

"Um..." I think for a moment. "You're turning eighteen, right?"

"Right. Just two more years and I'll be an adult."

"How has preadulthood treated you so far? Do you feel prepared for adulthood?" I ask.

Derrick hums, thinking through my question. "Well, I guess it beats being a teenager. I still can't drive, but I'd say I can cook, clean, and budget decently enough to live on my own if I wanted to. I'll probably wait until university to move out, though. What about you?"

"I've learned a lot from my dad. He's a good teacher. He taught me nearly everything I know about being a preadult. Cooking, cleaning, budgeting... although he's not very good at home repair..."

"Did your mom teach you anything?"

My heart plummets to the ground, and my guts twist and turn tightly within me.

"I... well, my mom died when I was only six. It's just my dad and me."

"Oh... I'm sorry," Derrick apologizes.

"No, it's okay. I'm over it. It was a long time ago," I sigh.

I bite the inside of my cheek, unsure of whether I'm being honest or not. It's been years since my mom passed, but I've always longed for her to be a part of my life. I wonder all the time what might have been if only she hadn't...

"You know, I guess my mom did teach me something," I say, letting my mind go to the past. "I remember when I was a little girl, I'd watch her make different pieces of artwork. I was so fascinated with how she was able to draw such fine details and pick such beautiful colors to paint with. I have a memory of her sitting down with me and teaching me how to draw different flowers. Pansies, bluebells, rotizelles... and although I'm still not very good with flowers, she did instill in me a love for art."

"I remember you said you liked to draw when we first met, and I've seen a few of the doodles in your notes," Derrick chuckles. "I have yet to see a finished piece from you, though. Especially since you're always hiding your drawings."

My face gets really hot really quickly as my mind turns back to the sketchbook I brought with me to school. "A-actually," I stutter, "there's... something I wanted to show you."

"Something you want to show me? Really?" Derrick asks, surprised. "Am I finally going to see one of your drawings?"

"I-I— well," I stammer, embarrassed, not really knowing what to say. Is what I'm about to do really a good idea?

I reach into my bookbag and feel around for my sketchbook. Pulling it out, I turn to the page with my finished sketch of the two of us laughing under a cherry tree and look it over for a moment.

'It's hideous!' I can already hear my deskmate say. 'Is that supposed to be us? What an ugly art style!'

"Kaylin?" Derrick asks after a long silence.

"I— um...! H-here, I... made this for you," I sputter. "For your birthday!"

I grip the collar of Derrick's shirt with one hand, and with the other I stretch out as far as I'm able and present my sketchbook to him.

"For... me?" Derrick asks, taking the sketchbook in between his thumb and forefinger.

Silence fills the air as my deskmate stares down the human-sized book in between his fingers. My heart pounds and pounds while my insides swarm with butterflies! What will he think? What will he say?! I almost wish I never brought this up! I'm sure he'll think it's a pathetic gift! I knew my art wasn't good enough to be shown to anyone, so why did I ever think it would be a good idea to make this dumb drawing for his birthday?

Derrick gasps. "Wow, I don't know what to say."

I try my hardest to slow down my breathing, but it's no use. My whole body shakes as I brace for the impact of whatever criticism is about to come my way. He hates it, doesn't he?

"Kaylin, you drew this? This is amazing!" my deskmate exclaims.

"I'm sorry! I knew it wouldn't be good enough!" I say, only to blink a few times in confusion. Do my ears deceive me? "Wait, what did you say?"

"This is amazing! Is this what I think it is?" Derrick asks.

"I-it's... you and me," I answer, "under that cherry tree we saw the other day."

Derrick continues looking the drawing over. "Wow," he says again.

"I-I can send you a photo of it, if you want," I suggest.

"That would be great!" he says, handing the sketchbook back to me. "After all, I'm sure you wanted to keep your book."

I put my sketchbook away and quickly open up my phone to send a picture I took of the drawing to Derrick. Once I send it, his phone buzzes almost instantly, and he unlocks it to view what I sent.

"Thank you, Kaylin," he says, gazing at the drawing once more. "Really. It's a wonderful gift."

A warmth fills my heart, soothing any remaining anxieties I had about the drawing and leaving me with a grin that stretches from ear to ear.

Time continues on in the blink of an eye, and before we know it, we've already reached our usual time of departure.

"Well," Derrick says, carefully standing up from his spot beside the balcony, "I guess we better get going."

My heart races and my eyes widen as he stands to his full height. I look beneath me at the ground below and watch as it gets farther and farther away. If the distance to the ground when he was sitting wasn't enough to kill me, this distance will surely do the job! My vision doubles as the scenery around me spins and my insides churn and convulse! I grab onto the collar of Derrick's shirt with a death grip, lest I topple down toward the unforgiving concrete below!

"Sorry," Derrick says. "I tried to be more careful, since you're on my shoulder."

"N-no, you're fine, it's just that... I feel like I..." I trail off, unsure of how to describe what's going on inside of me.

"You feel like you're going to fall?"

"Y-yeah," I murmur, trembling where I stand on my deskmate's shoulder.

"Don't worry," Derrick says, pressing a hand against my little frame and gently pinning me against the side of his neck. "I'll keep you safe."

Is this... a hug?!

I blush. Hard. My trembling increases as I'm wedged between Derrick's hand and his neck. What do I do?! I can't move! I can't escape! I begin to breathe in and out at a rapid pace, shuddering more and more with each exhalation.

After a few seconds, Derrick removes his hand, releasing me from what had to be the most frightening embrace I've ever been on the receiving end of!

"Hey, listen," he says. "About earlier... you really don't have to come over if you don't feel like you're ready. I understand that the idea of visiting a house twenty times bigger than what you're used to is likely overwhelming to you, especially if other pertheans are involved. But, in case you do want to come, I thought I'd ask anyway—would you like to come over?"

"Um, yeah! Sure," I say, Derrick's words going in one ear and out the other as I try to calm myself down.

"Wait, really?" He asks. "You'll come over?"

"Sure," I say. "I just... need a moment." I try to steady my breathing again using the techniques I learned in therapy as a kid, still not registering what it was Derrick just asked me.

"Alright, well, we should get going then," my deskmate says, walking away from our spot behind the school and heading toward the sidewalk beyond the school grounds.

I'll have every opportunity to think through what just happened when I get home.

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #g/t #giant/tiny #g/t writing #giant/tiny writing #gt writing

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid Master Post

Book Summary: 'Let me help you.' It's a simple request, but it still manages to leave Kaylin— a human living in the undercities below a world of towering pertheans— a little confused. After being unexpectedly sent to a deskmate school, she had been trying her hardest to keep her fear of pertheans undisclosed so as not to hurt Derrick, her new deskmate. But after finding out about this fear, he's not hurt or upset— rather, he's offering to help her overcome it. Why? Is beating this fear even possible? What's in store for Kaylin and Derrick when they begin to meet up after school with the goal of fighting this phobia?

Trigger Warnings: Some mention of blood, depictions of violence, exaggerated descriptions of the protagonist's fears that may be discomforting or upsetting to some readers.

Word Count: 37,345/~80,000

Last Updated: 4/11/2024

Author's Note: Once the story is completed, I'm going to go through it and create at least one more draft before having it printed. So, some details may change here and there in the future, but the over all plot should stay the same and I plan on leaving the story online for all to read for free for as long as I'm able to! I also plan on creating an audiobook and having the book translated into different languages. Let me know what languages you want to see! Thank you all for your continued support as I develop this passion project, it really does mean the world to me! ❤️

This story is also available on Wattpad!

Table of Contents:

Cover (New version to be revealed soon!)

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

More to come!

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #g/t #giant/tiny #g/t writing #gt #sfw g/t #sfw giant/tiny #gentle giant #gt writing #giant/tiny writing #writing #fiction #novel #books #booklr #bookstagram #books and reading #booktok

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 15)

Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

- - - - - - - - - -

I move my character through the virtual landscape of Flower Forest, interacting with the townsfolk and continuing toward my goal of beautifying the town. This is of course on top of my other goals, like paying off my mortgage to the village's local snooty businessman Mr. Buck, and running my own little flower shop. I'm glad I have free time this weekend to play on my FlexPad, but shouldn't I be doing something a little more productive?

As I lay on my bed, immersed in the wonders of virtual gardening, an open box in the corner of my room catches my eye. It's the only box I haven't completely sorted through from the move, since it's full of things I don't exactly have a place for yet. I heave a sigh. I should at least try to get settled in before the end of Carmen.

I stand up with a stretch, setting down my FlexPad and walking towards the box. I peer inside to see a mess of contents ranging from junk drawer material to family keepsakes. I pull out a long, heavy metal object and examine it. It's a silver bowling trophy I won some time in stage 3. I got second place in an all-girls competition with a score of 116. Not that impressive, but a fun memory. Plus it's probably the only trophy I've ever won. I look around the room for a place to put it and decide the shelf beside my bed will do. I place the silver bowling pin beside a picture of Dad and me.

Returning to the box, I reach in and pull out a small, smooth object. It's a rock with a silly face drawn on in marker. 'Rocky' was his name, I believe. When I was little and wanted a pet, Dad made this thing for me to take care of since pets aren't allowed in the undercity. I was supposed to 'feed' it every day, 'play' with it, and do all the things you're supposed to do to care for an animal. Shockingly, playing with a rock turned out to be a bore, so I stopped taking care of Rocky. I have no use for this thing, but since Dad made it, I can't bring myself to throw it away. Especially not with that goofy expression it's making. Into my desk drawer it goes, I guess.

I continue going through the box like this, pulling out knick-knacks and heirlooms alike, finding places in my room for some things, and throwing out others until I've nearly reached the bottom of the box. One of the few items remaining is a cream-colored journal with blue morning glories adorning its glossy cover. It's bursting at the seams with papers and paper clippings, and is held together by a burgundy ribbon. I sigh. I remember when Dad first showed me this thing.

It was a few days before the move, and we were trying to get rid of as many things as possible so we wouldn't have to move so much. That proved a bit difficult, however, seeing as my dad had lived in that apartment in Maedri since before I was even born. Needless to say, he had a lot of stuff. The day came when we managed to clear out most of his unwanted and unneeded things, and all that remained was an unassuming box in the back of his closet with no label. It was a decent-sized box, but not too heavy. It wasn't closed all the way, and the top was covered in dust. I had asked about the box in the past, but Dad seemed to want to avoid it for whatever reason. That day, I would find out why.

Dad set the box down on the floor and sat down beside me with a sigh. He eyed the box for a moment before flipping open the cover and sending dust everywhere, which resulted in the two of us suffering through a coughing fit. Once we recovered, Dad reached into the box and pulled out a long, blue article of clothing, explaining that it was my mom's favorite cardigan. To my surprise, I still have a few vague memories of her wearing it.

Dad pulled out a few other things, all belonging to my mom. There was a scarf, some old art supplies, a poetry book, an indoor planter I decided I would keep, a few novels, and a flute to name a few. But what really caught my attention was a journal with flowers on it. I've always loved nature, and I know my mom did too, so I wondered what was inside. Upon retrieving the journal from the box, Dad looked it over for a moment. He had a smile on his face, but I could see him getting misty-eyed.

"What's that?" I asked, pointing to the book.

"This was your mom's art journal," Dad said. "This book contains nearly every drawing she made since before we were even together."

Dad flipped through the journal. Mom had doodled little flowers on napkins, and drawn elaborate portraits on scrap paper.

Dad handed me the journal. "I think your Mom would want you to have this," he said.

I took the book and turned the pages in awe. One page in particular was a watercolor piece, depicting a girl I could only assume was my mom with some enormous bluebells dangling above her. She looked up at them with wonder filling her eyes. I looked at the painting with the same wonder. How did she learn to draw flowers with such detail?

I turned a few more pages and was shocked at what I saw next. My mother painted herself, again in watercolor, dancing in the palm of a perthean's hand! One masculine hand held the twirling figure, while another held her hand from above, as if they were dancing together. I slammed the book shut.

I haven't opened the journal since then, although now I'm a bit curious as to what else is inside. I guess I'll leave it on my desk.

That leaves the planter. It's still a bit dusty, but it's nothing a damp cloth can't fix. I gaze at the planter's plug, its cord yellowed and worn with age. Could this thing really still work? I guess there's only one way to find out. I set the planter on my desk, and after a moment's hesitation, fit the plug into an outlet on the wall. There's a spark, which causes me to flinch back and let out a yelp, but to my surprise the light on the planter somehow manages to flicker to life when I press the power button.

I turn my eyes to a shopping tote beside my desk. My hand feels around the inside of the canvas bag until it finds and pulls out a small white envelope with a picture of my mom's favorite flower on it. I give the packet a gentle shake and listen as tiny pansy seeds rattle around inside. Sounds like there's more than enough to fill the planter. I feel around the inside of the tote again, absentmindedly nudging a receipt out of the way, and find a sturdy bag at the bottom. I lift the bag, which is rather heavy for its size, out of the tote and set it down on my desk with a small thud. I've never worked with soil before, and the only gardening I've ever done has been virtual. Since the planter is old, it doesn't have instructions with it anymore, but I'm sure I can figure out what to do. How hard can it be to fill pods with dirt, bury seeds, water them, and turn a light on? And after all, my mom definitely had a green thumb, so hopefully I inherited some gardening skills from her.

Upon tearing open the bag, the earthy scent of potting soil invades my nostrils. It has a note of sweetness to it, which I find strange. I'm reminded of the smell of moist dirt when it rains above ground. I carefully tip the bag over one of the empty pods on the planter until a steady stream of soil spills out. I must have tipped the bag a bit too far, though, since nearly half the contents spill out all over the planter, the desk, and my lap. I let out a sigh. I guess I'll have to vacuum. I try to collect the soil from my lap in my hands, but most of it manages to slip between my legs and onto the floor. Looking down at my last pair of good jeans, they're covered in dirt stains. I should probably wash them, along with the rest of the clothes I've been procrastinating on washing.

I look back at the dusty planter, covered in dirt. This definitely isn't going like I hoped. I wonder what my mom would say about my failed attempt at gardening. Maybe I should leave the gardening to Flower Forest.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I sit hunched over on the bench in the apartment's communal laundry room, my head down and my eyes fixed on my FlexPad. Flower Forest makes gardening seem so easy. How did I manage to mess things up so badly on my own?

The sound of another washing machine starting up catches my attention, and I look up to see a boy around my age nervously scanning the room for a free place to sit among everyone else doing their laundry this weekend. His green eyes and short black hair are familiar to me. I could almost swear I've seen him somewhere before. He pushes up his glasses as his gaze lands on me. His eyes widen, and he quickly looks away. I avert my gaze as my cheeks redden. I didn't mean to stare!

The boy finds a seat on the bench a few yards away from me when someone else leaves with their laundry basket. I try to focus on my game, but my mind keeps coming back to this boy. Really, where have I seen him before? Could I know him from school? Or have I just seen him around the apartment complex?

A pleasant melody ringing out alerts me that the dryer I'm using has completed its cycle. I set my FlexPad down beside me on the bench and stand with my basket to gather and fold my laundry.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Back so soon?" Dad asks when I close the door to our apartment behind me, not looking away from his laptop.

"I guess I got in early enough that there was a free washer," I say, adjusting my grip on the basket under my arm so it doesn't slip. "Are you... working? On a Restday?"

"Yeah," Dad sighs, "I told a client I'd have this ad ready by Firsday, and it's still not done."

"Yikes. Well, don't overwork yourself," I say, turning to my room.

Bing-bong!

"Could you get that?" Dad asks.

Anxiety swells in my gut as I set my laundry basket down and turn back to the door. We aren't expecting anyone, and we didn't order anything that I know of, so I'm a little nervous as I peer through the peephole in the door to see who's standing outside of the apartment. To my surprise, it's the boy I saw in the laundry room! Blood rushes to my face. What's he doing here? I take a deep breath and hold it in before opening the door.

"H-hello?" I ask.

"Hi," the boy answers, his voice deeper and sharper in tone than I expected. He looks around the outside of the apartment, avoiding eye contact with me. "Is... this yours?" he asks begrudgingly as he holds out a FlexPad covered in familiar stickers of Catmium from Stranded and Mr. Buck from Flower Forest.

I stand there speechless, taking the FlexPad in my hands. "Yes! How did you—"

"You left it in the laundry room," the boy says before I can finish my sentence. "Just be more careful next time, alright?"

With that, the boy turns and speeds down the hall.

"Wait!" I call out. "Don't we know each other from somewhere? Maybe school?"

The boy flinches, stopping in his tracks. He turns his head back toward me only slightly. "I don't know," he says, his voice softer now, and nearly cracking. He clears his throat. "I don't know, maybe."

"Well, thanks for bringing my FlexPad back, um...?" I trail off, expecting the boy to give me his name.

He looks down and sighs. "Sam," he finally says, his tone a little softer than before.

"Thanks, Sam," I say. "I didn't even notice it had gone missing—"

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Sam bolting down the hall away from me.

"Hey!" I call out again. "Where are you going?!"

As Sam disappears around the corner, I contemplate the bizarre encounter that just took place. Just who is this guy? And what's his problem?

"Was that a friend from school?" Dad asks as I reenter the apartment.

"Honestly?" I chuckle in disbelief. "I have no idea."

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #giant/tiny #g/t #g/t writing #giant/tiny writing #sfw g/t #sfw giant/tiny #sorry again for taking so long!!! #hopefully this chapter is a bit of a breather #school is back in session in the next chapter ;)

[elizaditton]

I made some art for chapter 14 of my book, Too Small To Be Afraid! The angle was really hard ^^; I still don't think I got everything perfect, but I'm still really happy with the result!!

- - - - - - - - - -

The glass that veiled my fear for only a moment shatters as I stand face to face with a tall, tall perthean. From the ground. My eyes widen. My insides contort into a knot, and the world begins to spin around me. My heart slams against my ribcage and my legs tremble beneath me, again begging me to run away. Just what do I think I'm doing?

- - - - - - - - - -

You can read Too Small To Be Afraid here!

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #giant/tiny #g/t #oc: kaylin #oc: derrick #g/t art #g/t drawing #my artwork

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 11)

Links:

Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

TW: Blood

- - - - - - - - - -

Brittney's words echoed in my mind all the way home. I guess I haven't really paid much attention to how I've been handling my fear. It just sort of screams at me to get away from pertheans by whatever means necessary, and I've been listening to it. I thought I was doing a good job of handling my fear, but... could I have hurt my deskmate in the process?

"I don't have time to think about this," I utter to myself as I approach apartment 825.

I take my apartment key out of my bag and insert it into the lock on our door. When I turn the key, I hear a click, and quietly push the door handle downwards to open it. I creep into the apartment's entryway, carefully closing the door behind me and locking it back. I then begin to tiptoe through the apartment, ever so quietly, lest Dad hear me and start bombarding me with questions about my day. I'm pretty sure I have nothing to worry about, though, since he's sitting on the couch focused on his laptop and likely didn't hear me come in. I turn to enter the hallway. Now I just need to get to my room.

"How was school?" Dad says from the couch.

Drat. Should I make a run for it? I sigh, turning around. I've done enough running for today.

"Terrible, just like I predicted," I say.

"Terrible, huh?" Dad says, setting his laptop down and turning around in his seat.

"It was crowded with pertheans everywhere I looked!"

"That's kind of the point, dear."

I shift in place, my blood beginning to boil. Of course that's the point, and that's the problem. I just don't understand what good being forced to intermingle with the very people I'm afraid of is going to do for me. If I have to endure one more minute of 'open hand' or 'balcony' etiquette, I might just explode! I take a deep breath and hold it, pursing my lips together.

"Well," Dad says, pushing up his glasses, "was there anything about the school that you did like?"

I cross my arms and keep my eyes glued to the floor. "The time I didn't have to spend with my deskmate," I scoff.

"And how is your deskmate?" Dad asks. "What are they like? How are you getting along?"

"I— he—" I stammer. Images of my deskmate hurt by my rejection flash through my mind. His brows upturned and his wide eyes without that spark they had when we first met. That big, stupid smile of his, gone. I'm quick to shake the thoughts away. I sigh.  "Dad, I really don't want to talk about this right now."

Dad scratches his head and nods. "I get it. I do. This is all new to you and you're still processing everything."

Right. He totally gets what it's like to live in constant fear of being grabbed or crushed by someone twenty times your size. Their fingers wrapping around your entire being, weak and pathetic by comparison, their grip on you tightening at a devilishly slow pace while all you're able to do is stare up at their sickening smile and into their cold, narrowed brown eyes—begging them for mercy as you struggle in vain to cough up the blood that floods your crumpled up lungs and threatens to drown you. My whole frame trembles at the very thought of... that face. Those hands. That... demon...!

I'm brought back to reality by the sound of Dad, now in front of me, snapping his fingers. When I look up at him, his furrowed brows and widened eyes relax. He lets out a sigh, and with both hands, begins to wipe away tears I didn't know had started to creep down my cheeks.

"You're going to be okay," he whispers. "Don't go back there. Look forward."

Against my better judgment and in spite of my temper, I do exactly as I did when I was a little girl. I lunge forward, sinking my face into Dad's chest. He wraps his arms around me, and with gentle shushing, he strokes the back of my head with his hand. Immediately, I'm taken back to when I was a little girl.

Until I was about eleven, I had terrible nightmares on the regular. When I was really little, I used to wake up screaming and run straight to Dad. No matter how late in the night it was, he always got up and held me just like this. I wish what I'm afraid of now was only a nightmare. I wish I could wake up.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A sigh escapes me as I shove my English, History, and Algebra books into my bag and close my locker. I try not to think about the inevitable: seeing my deskmate again after that abrupt exit I made yesterday. Yet it keeps on coming to mind, and I know that eventually I'm going to have to see him again.

What's he going to say? What did he think of me running off for a second time? I wouldn't be surprised if he's caught on to my fear by now just because of that! What if he's angry at me for not wanting to hang out with him? A knot forms in my middle as I think of all the ways a perthean could lash out at a human. Yelling. Beating. Crushing. Squashing. I look down at my quivering hands. What have I done? Don't I know better than to anger a perthean? What's going to happen to me now?

I pull out my phone. It's 7:56. I better be getting a move on if I want to make it to class on time. I take a deep breath and exhale, but it does nothing to calm my nerves. My heart beats faster with every second that passes on my way to the balcony, and my legs, wobbly as ever, threaten to give out with each step. I'm never going to get through this school year, am I? I'm such a wreck!

I weave through the crowds of human students blocking the entryway to the balcony, my whole body shaking more and more as I near the spot where I'll be interacting with my deskmate again. Can the others see me shaking? Can they tell I'm scared out of my mind? Everyone looks so happy to be here—smiling, talking amongst themselves, talking with their deskmates. I feel so utterly out of place, even among my own kind.

I approach the spot on the balcony where I last met my deskmate, and, reluctant as ever, scan the room for any sign of him. He's nowhere to be found. I scan the room again, and still nothing. Where is he? Maybe I should text him. I pull out my phone again, only to realize that I still haven't answered any of his texts. Would it be too awkward to text him now?

As I'm standing there worrying about the social etiquette of sending text messages, a shadow engulfs the area of the balcony I'm on, surrounding me entirely. Do I dare look? My heart pounds as an index finger bigger than my couch presents itself in front of me. I gulp. My eyes trace the oversized digit up to an oversized arm and across the mountain of green cloth that comprises the school's uniform before landing on a pair of dead, drooping blue eyes. I blink. Is this... my deskmate?

"Miss Finch," the boy in front of me mumbles.

I stare up at him, mouth agape. What happened to him? I envisioned him being... angrier. Confused, I take a few steps backward. I look at his finger again, which hasn't budged from its place in front of me. My eyes turn back to the boy's. He doesn't say anything. I don't say anything. We stand in silence. Something tugs at my heart as I look at my deskmate. Did I do this? Did I... break him?

I realize we can't stand in silence forever, so after I've had a moment to process the sight in front of me, I step forward and grab on tightly to my deskmate's outstretched finger. Once I'm secure, the boy lifts me from my place on the balcony and gently sets me down in the palm of his hand. He doesn't remove his finger until I'm situated. My heart pounds hard in my chest, but not for the reason I would have thought. I'm less concerned with being in this perthean's hand, I find, and more concerned with him looking... miserable. Could I have really done this to him? Am I the reason he's miserable? From the palm of his hand, I look back up to his face as he starts walking down the hall towards our first class.

"M-mi—" I start, my voice cracking. What in the world am I doing?! "Mr. Dr... Drake?"

There's no way he heard such a tiny squeak like that. Gosh, I'm so pathetic, I can't even bring myself to say his name!

His head turns downward, and his gloomy eyes meet my gaze. My heart pounds and pounds—a hundred times a second! There's a twisting, turning, churning deep in my core—and I can't keep myself from trembling helplessly where I sit in this boy's palm. His eyes, so full of energy and wide with enthusiasm when we first met, are now void of any hope or joy. I can't look at them. I turn my eyes to my own hands, folded in my lap, as the boy's stare burns me from above like a laser.

He doesn't say anything. I don't say anything. We move in silence.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I have to do something, I can't stand this. It breaks me to see him so downcast. And the fact that I did this weighs on me like a whole mountain of boulders.

Brittney's words from yesterday echo in my mind again: "your actions, whether you intend them to or not, can affect others. Especially your deskmate."

Especially my deskmate...

I have to fix this. What am I going to tell Brittney when she sees her friend like this? I can almost see her now, asking 'what did you do to him?!'

The bell rings. As students stand up to leave the class, the teacher rambles on.

"The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do," he says sternly. As students scramble out the door, he waves one hand in defeat. "Whatever, you're dismissed."

The sound of a chair scraping against the floor behind me catches my attention. I look back and see my deskmate stand to collect his things. I close my Algebra textbook and stuff it in my bag along with my notes. This is my last chance to make things right before we separate for our P.E. and lunch periods. I don't know what I'm more scared of, apologizing to this guy or the reactions his friends will have when they find out I'm the reason he's so upset.

I stand and turn around. The perthean boy in front of me is still shoving things into his bag at a sluggish pace. My heart thumps about in my chest as if it had a death wish. Pound, pound, pound! I wring my sweaty, quivering hands together and search my racing heart for anything, anything I can say to smooth things over with this guy.

"E-excuse me," I murmur.

Nothing. He didn't hear me this time. I have to speak up, don't I? Can I really do this? Should I really do this?

"E-excuse me, M-Mr. D-Drake?" I say, my legs quaking and my spine threatening to crack as I crane my neck back to look at my deskmate.

His eyebrows furrow, and his gaze shifts back and forth. He turns to look down at me, raising an eyebrow. His body, towering over me, takes up my whole field of vision. I nearly stumble backwards trying to keep my eyes fixed on his face, high above me. The boy, perplexed, points to himself as if to ask if I'm really talking to him.

"Mhm," I nod. Oh, what am I doing?!

The boy sits down in his chair. "Y-yeah? What's up?" he clears his throat. "I mean... is something wrong?"

"I-I..." I stare into his eyes, still drooping, still cold, still... distant. "I-I was wondering if we could... talk."

"Well, we're talking."

Ouch.

"Umm... I... there's something... I mean I want... no, I need—" I ramble on aimlessly.

"Yes?"

"There's something I need to say to you," I finally spit out.

"Something you need to say to me?" he asks, eyes widening as he sits up in his seat.

"Y-yes."

"Okay, I'm listening," he says, folding his arms.

"I-I-" my heart, oh my heart, I've run out of words to describe how badly it wants to beat right out of my chest and run far, far away from here! My insides contort into a big, twisted knot, leaving me mangled from the inside out. What do I say?! What do I do?!

"Miss Finch?"

I cross my right arm over my chest. Trembling and out of breath, I lean forward to bow the deepest I know how. "I-I'm sorry!"

"Huh?"

"I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry for how I've treated you, for ignoring you and acting cold! A-and for r-running away, I didn't know what to say to you, and— I—" I look back up from my bow and see eyes wider than I've ever seen before. "If... if it's okay with you, I- I was wondering, can... can we start over?"

The boy blinks. I just made a fool of myself, didn't I? There's no way he'll forgive me! I've already done too much, what was I thinking even trying to apologize?

The boy's eyes soften, and he smiles. He lifts his right arm and crosses it over his chest. "I'm Derrick," he says. He opens one eye and looks at me. "And you are?"

My heart stops. Is this... is this him accepting my apology?

"Kaylin," I say, my arm crossing my chest as I dip forward again, this time only slightly.

"Well, Kaylin," Derrick says, "I guess you and I are deskmates. And we really should be headed to our next class."

"O-oh! Right," I say.

Derrick offers me his index finger, and I grab onto it tightly. As he lifts me up, I feel lighter. Not just because I practically weigh nothing in comparison, but... because I somehow managed to make up with a perthean. A perthean. And not only that... I think I just made a friend.

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #g/t #giant/tiny #g/t writing #tw: blood

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 9)

Links:

Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

- - - - - - - - - -

To say sharing English, History, and Algebra classes with a perthean was difficult would be a severe understatement. All that occupied my mind during class was whether or not my deskmate was staring at me. The thought sent shivers down my spine, and I couldn't help but glance behind me every few minutes just to make sure his attention was fixed on the teacher and not me. I doubt I retained any information from the first half of the school day.

Brown paper lunch bag in hand, I close my locker and start towards the cafeteria. I thank my lucky stars that the PE and lunch periods at this school separate humans and pertheans. I have no idea what I'd do otherwise. The very thought of watching a perthean eat... I'd pass out for sure!

As I make my way down the hall my gaze meets a pair of wide, sparkly brown eyes belonging to a girl with frizzy black hair. Is she staring at me? Is something the matter? Did I put my shirt on backwards after getting out of the shower? My face turns red and I quickly shift my focus to the floor. When I look back up again, I see the girl's curly hair bounce as she walks down the hall past me. Then, she looks back at me and stops. What's with this girl? Maybe my shirt really is on backwards? I inspect my uniform, but everything is as it should be. I try not to focus on the girl and keep walking past her towards the cafeteria.

"Excuse me," someone pipes up from behind.

I turn around. It's her. Blood rushes to my face again. What could possibly be the matter?! Why in the world would someone randomly talk to me of all people?!

"Y-yes?" I answer.

"Did we... go to stage 2 together?" she asks, cocking her head.

I look her up and down. I mean, she does look familiar... but what are the chances of someone I went to stage 2 with in Maedri showing up at a school in Chancelor?

"Not unless you're from Maedri," I say.

Her face lights up immediately.

"Kaylin?"

No way.

"It's me, Brittney!"

"I-I know...! I'm just..." I look her up and down again, at a loss for words.

"Surprised?" she says, jumping with excitement.

"Yes! What in the world are you doing here?!"

"I've been going to this school since I started stage 4! What are you doing here?!"

I ponder for a moment. What am I doing here?

"I'm kinda new here. It's a long story," I say, rubbing my arm.

"Come on! We were both going to the cafeteria, right?" Brittney says, grabbing hold of my hand as she starts running off. "I'll show you the way there! We have so much catching up to do!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

After sitting down at an empty table with Brittney, I reach into my lunch bag and feel around before pulling out a small piece of paper. Yep, he's done it again. Although I've never asked him to, for as long as I can remember, Dad's made my school lunches for me. And every time, he includes some kind of note. It's usually a corny joke. This one reads:

What's a dresser's favorite type of instrument?

A 'socks'-ophone!

I chuckle. Not because it's a good joke, but because it's a terrible one. At least Dad's trying.

"What's that?" Brittney asks.

"Just a corny joke my dad wrote," I say, passing her the note.

She reads it over and laughs. "That's a good one!" she says, handing the note back to me. I guess we have different tastes when it comes to jokes.

"So, how have you been for the past..." she says, counting on her fingers, "...seven years?"

"Well," I say as I unwrap what I think is a peanut butter and honey sandwich, "I ended up going to all-human schools from stage 3a through stage 4c. West Maedri in stage 4 was kinda rough. What about you?"

"After moving to Teran, I stayed in public schools until stage 4, which was okay, I guess." She takes a thermos and a wrapped sandwich out of her bag. "Then my parents decided to send me here for stage 4. Something about me needing to socialize with pertheans more."

"I totally get that!" I say. "My dad pretty much forced me to come here because... well, you may remember how I am."

"Oh, right! Your fear!" Brittney exclaims.

"Shh! Not so loud!"

Brittney covers her mouth with her hand, and we both look around us to make sure nobody heard.

"Sorry," she whispers.

"It's alright," I sigh. "Anyway... this is your fourth year here?"

"Yeah!"

"And you... like it here?"

"Mhm," she dips her grilled cheese into her soup and takes a bite. "I've made a few friends over the years, plus I'm deskmates with my boyfriend. So, I'm happy!"

"B-boyfriend?" I ask. My mind flashes back to my own deskmate. I can hardly imagine being in a relationship with someone of his size!

"Yeah! Speaking of deskmates," Brittney says, "how are you getting along with yours?"

"Well..." I put down my sandwich and stare at it for a moment. "I wouldn't say we're getting along. It's more like he's trying way too hard while I'm kind of just... tolerating him."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, take when he dropped me off for PE. The way he said goodbye, asked over and over again if I had everything with me, and reminded me a thousand times where we'd meet up after lunch period... it's like he thinks he's my dad or something. And the way he smiles at me... it's almost sickeningly sweet, like that time my dad tried to make chamomile tea the way my mom used to. It sort of just makes you wince, you know?"

"That makes sense," Brittney says. "Maybe try not to give him such a hard time about it. I'm sure he's probably nervous and just trying to be a good deskmate."

"I guess," I say. "It's just really hard when all I'm thinking about is how he could be out to get me. I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"Out to get you?" Brittney says, putting her sandwich down. "No one in this school is out to get you, Kaylin. Trust me."

"How can you be so sure? You don't even know my deskmate!"

"I don't know, I just know it. You're safe here, trust me."

There's a sparkle in her eyes that makes me really want to believe her. But with this fear controlling me, I don't know if I can.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My legs tremble at the knowledge that I'm going to be reunited with my deskmate any moment now. I wipe my sweaty hands on my skirt and try to steady my breathing, but I can't seem to get anything more than shaking, shallow breaths out. I just hope I can get myself to calm down before my deskmate sees me like this.

"So, this is the spot?" Brittney asks as I come to a stop in front of her.

"Yeah," I say, "this is where he dropped me off."

"Do you see him anywhere?"

I scan the room from the balcony. There's so many pertheans, but I don't see my deskmate.

"I don't see him," I say.

"Maybe try texting him. You did get his number, right?"

My heart sinks at the thought of initiating contact with my deskmate, especially when I didn't answer his last text.

"My boyfriend isn't answering me. I guess I'm stuck waiting and watching," Brittney says.

"Is that how things normally go?" I ask. "Waiting and watching?"

"More or less," she says, crossing her arms. "It'd be different if a certain someone remembered to charge their phone, though."

I scan the room again for any sign of my deskmate, secretly hoping he'd just come get me so we can get the rest of the day over with. Right when I think I see him is when a pair of narrowed brown eyes meet my gaze. Was he staring at me first? Wait, isn't this the same creepy guy who was staring at me this morning?!

"Kevin! Over here!" Brittney shouts.

I look beside me to see her jumping up and down and waving her arms. I follow her line of sight, and lo and behold it leads me back to the perthean who was staring at me. Blood rushes to my face. They know each other?!

The perthean standing next to him turns around. I immediately recognize his wide blue eyes as being my deskmate's. I stumble behind Brittney, and my heart begins to pound. The two pertheans are walking right towards us!

"Huh?" Brittney says before letting out a huge gasp. "No way!"

I look at her, her hands covering her mouth in surprise. I look back at the two perthean boys, my heart still pounding. What could be the problem?

Brittney grabs hold of the balcony railing as the boys approach. "Derrick! What are you doing here?!"

What?! No way! How in the world do they know each other?!

My deskmate rubs the back of his head. "I'm back this year," he says. His eyes turn to me. "I see you've found my deskmate."

Brittney's jaw drops to the floor as she turns around. She stares at me, wide-eyed, and points to my deskmate. "You guys are deskmates?!"

"Y-yeah?" I manage.

"This is awesome!" Brittney exclaims. She pats my right shoulder and looks back at the boys. "Kaylin and I have known each other since stage 2!"

"Is that so?" my deskmate asks.

"Yeah!" Brittney says. "Although, after I moved from Maedri to Teran, the letters stopped at some point during stage 3."

"I hate to break up this reunion," says the boy beside my deskmate, "but if we don't leave now we're going to be late for our next class."

"Oh, wait!" says Brittney, turning to me. "Kaylin, this is my boyfriend, Kevin."

I look up at the boy she's referring to. I cross my right arm over my chest and am about to bow as I usually do when I meet someone new, but I notice the boy simply nod at me. I end up sort of just... sheepishly waving. His gaze is so... heavy. Okay, this guy has officially freaked me out!

"Can we all meet up again after school? Pleaaase?" Brittney pleads as her deskmate lifts her up from the balcony.

"Of course! Let's meet here at the balcony," my deskmate says, fistbumping the other boy.

Brittney and her deskmate head to their next class, leaving my deskmate and I at the balcony. He smiles and holds his finger out for me to grab onto. With my only comfort in the whole school being whisked away, my eyes begin to glaze over with tears. I wish we had more time in the human part of the school. Heck, I wish we were at a human school. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to suppress my fear around these pertheans!

Hands shaking and heart thumping in my chest, I reach out and grab onto my deskmate's finger. I blink my tears away as he lifts me up and places me in his hand.

"Miss me?" he asks as he starts down the hall.

I keep to myself, staring down at my hands in my lap. What am I supposed to say to that? 'Yes?' 'No?'

The boy laughs nervously. I guess he realizes I'm not in the mood to talk right now. I just hope he doesn't take it the wrong way.

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #g/t #giant/tiny #g/t writing

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 1)

Here’s the first chapter of my story, “Too Small To Be Afraid”! I hope you enjoy!

Book Summary: Kaylin, a human living on Perthea, would much rather stay in the undercities where the towering pertheans she’s afraid of can’t go. But when she’s unexpectedly sent to a deskmate school, a school where humans and pertheans share desks, she must figure out how to navigate a relationship with her new deskmate in spite of her fear of him.

Links:

Cover / Master Post / Next Chapter

- - - - - - - - - -

A sheet of gray blankets the sky above, blocking out even the smallest ray of sunshine. Having come from the undercity, a gray ceiling is all too familiar to me. I'm not so thrilled that the sky isn't as cheery as I had hoped it would be, but I guess a cheery sky wouldn't exactly be fitting for Dad and I today.

Dad knows where he's going. He keeps stopping to reminisce about the "good old days," before I came around, back when he and my mom met at this school.

"See this?" Dad points to the same worn, wooden bench he points out to me every year. "Your mom and I had our first study date here." He stops for a moment and laughs to himself. "Our first date, actually... I was so nervous that I made myself late. She was packing up to go when I got here," he says, turning to me with a smile. "Good thing she didn't stay mad for long."

Dad looks the bench over and heaves a sigh. After a moment, we continue walking. Somewhere behind me, footsteps louder than I'm used to hearing pound the ground. I snap my head down, shifting my attention to the bouquet of pansies in my hands. Must I constantly be reminded why I can't stand being above ground?

I glance quickly behind me. While the source of the footsteps is nowhere to be seen, what is perhaps the largest glass door I've ever laid eyes on slowly begins to close a few hundred feet away. I glue my eyes back to the pansies as the sight grips my gut. Why did I do that? Why did I have to look back?

"This is it!" Dad's words catch me by surprise and bring me back to the present. "This is the spot. She would read and study here all the time." He pats the stone planter as he looks beside it. "Right here, on the floor against the building and this bench. Almost like she was hiding." He puts his pansies on Mom's designated spot, and I follow suit.

I look back to Dad, his hand covering his mouth and his brows furrowed in thought. He crouches down closer to the ground, another sigh escaping him. I can only imagine what could be going through his mind right now.

Our annual trip to Maedri Northwest University has long-since been ingrained into my mind as routine. This is the part where, when I was little, I'd crouch down right next to Dad. He'd pull me in for a hug, and we'd talk about Mom. This time, for whatever reason, is different. Dad looks up at me as I remain in place, neither of us uttering a word.

"Your mom wanted a garden full of these things," Dad says, breaking the silence. He stands up and gestures to the flowers we bought. "Can't really grow a garden in an apartment, but that never stopped her from trying."

I stuff my chilly hands in my jacket pockets and nod along to Dad's ramblings. He goes on for a while, retelling the same stories he tells me every year. How it took a while before my mom would even give him a second glance, how she always had her nose in a book, how he tried to get her to go to parties with him... He runs his hands through his hair, a few shades lighter than my red hair. What would I call that, exactly? Coral, maybe?

"Aren't you going to say anything?" he asks, reigning in my focus. Shoot, how long has he been staring at me?

"I, um," I start, not that I have anywhere to go. "I don't really have anything."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean..." I pause, letting my mind go to the past. It's as if I've been grasping at straws these past few years when it comes to memories of Mom. She died when I was only six, and the older I get, the more I'm finding that my memories of her are becoming fewer and farther between.

I shift in place. "Yeah, I don't really have anything. I think you already covered everything I could think to say."

Dad looks down, placing a hand on the back of his head. He looks back up at me. "Nothing at all?" he asks.

"Dad, it's been a really long time since..." I begin to twiddle my thumbs. "Well, you know. I was so young at the time, so I just don't remember much."

He folds his arms and gazes up at the nearly endless stack of massive white bricks making up the wall of the university, which are halted only by a black, metal awning.

"I see," he finally manages to say. "Do you want to talk about... that day?"

"What day?"

"You know," he tilts his head to the side to look back at me. "The day she died?"

"No!" I shout as blood rushes to my face. "I-I mean..." I fold my arms as my eyes turn to the floor. "I'd rather not go there. Besides, I'm not even sure if I remember it, and I don't really want to find out."

"It's okay," Dad says, turning to face me and pushing up his glasses. "It was just a suggestion, no need to get upset."

He shoves his hands into his jean pockets and fixates on Mom's spot again. "I'm going to miss coming here," he utters under his breath.

I know this final trip has to be hard for him. Once we're settled in Chancelor, it's not likely our annual trips to Mom's resting place will continue as usual. Such a move would be drastic for pertheans, let alone humans like us. It makes me wonder why Dad wanted to leave his hometown to go to this university in the first place.

The wind picks up a bit, so I zip up my jacket and rub my arms in an attempt to relieve myself of the chill. I guess I underestimated how cold it was going to be above ground this time of year. With spring having started over New Year's, I thought it would be warmer up here. As frigid as it is, though, I want to make sure Dad has all the time he needs here. I'm only here for his sake.

A pitter patter somewhere around us catches my attention. With hesitation, I look above to the awning, which seems to be the source of the noise. It sounds like something is up there, perhaps a flock of birds wandering around? I turn to look around at the park surrounding the university. The area is being pelted by water droplets as numerous as the blades of grass on the ground, and an earthy scent begins to fill the moistening air. I've seen rain before in movies, but I didn't think I'd ever get to see it for myself. The droplets are no bigger than tennis balls. I can't help but wonder if it would hurt for a human like me to stand in it. My shoulders drop as I stand utterly transfixed on the sight in front of me. Who knows if I'll ever get to see something like this again?

The enormous glass door opens again, pulling me away from this phenomenon and back into reality. My muscles tense up, and I try my hardest to focus on the sound of the rain to distract myself from the sound of yet another perthean's footsteps passing by. I turn to Dad, who is crouching down in front of that spot just as he had been when I looked at him last. I wrap my arms around myself. It's getting colder. It's too cold for me out here.

"Dad," I whisper. "It's raining."

Dad gets up again and turns around. "Hm, so it is." He stands there, with a hand on his chin as he looks around at the falling droplets. "You know, the sight almost makes you want to run right through it even though you'd get completely soaked." He chuckles. "I did that in high school once, and my mom didn't let me off easy for it. One or two drops was enough to do it."

We stand around for a little while longer, listening to the raindrops beat against the awning above. By now, it's freezing out here. I rub my numbing arms as if to start a fire. Man, I should have brought something warmer than this paper-thin jacket.

Dad looks down. "Well, I guess we should finish packing up."

I nod. We turn around, and Dad runs his fingers along the stone planter one last time. He sniffles as one of his arms shoots up to rub his eyes. His gaze returns to the pansies. "I just wish you could have known her," he whispers.

He wraps one arm around me, and we start on our way back to the undercity.

#tstba #too small to be afraid #perthea #g/t #giant/tiny

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 10)

Links:

Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

- - - - - - - - - -

Biology is easily my worst subject, but it's made a thousand times more difficult by the feeling I get when my deskmate stares at me from above. At least, I feel like he's staring at me. I haven't been able to catch him yet.

As the teacher rambles on about the makeup of DNA, I begin to doodle absentmindedly in my notebook. A paw here, some jagged fur there, and before I know it I have a crudely drawn Catmium from Stranded. That's when it hits me. That weight. I slowly turn in my seat and look up only to lock eyes with my deskmate. My face gets hot and my heart bangs against my rib cage. I immediately turn back towards my desk. So he was staring at me! Was he staring at me the whole time?! Is he still staring at me?!

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of my deskmate scribbling in his notebook. After a moment, he slides the notebook beside me and taps the page. I hesitate, but end up looking at the notebook.

Is that Catmium?

What?! What does he mean 'is that Catmium'?! I know pertheans have better eyesight than humans, but could he really see a little doodle in my notebook?

My deskmate taps his fingers on the desk, like he's waiting for a response. What should I do?! I cover my drawing with my hand and pull my notebook closer to me, and hopefully out of the boy's sight. I decide to try ignoring him in hopes that he'll just leave me alone. Fortunately for me, it seems to work as he eventually pulls his notebook back towards himself with a sigh and starts erasing what he wrote. I peek behind myself once more to look at him. His eyes are drooping and his brows are upturned. I bring my focus back to the lesson being taught and decide to pay my deskmate no mind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Koronian was the longest class of the day just because I knew it would be the last one. At long last, the day has come to an end and I can say 'nokyer' to this school! Well, at least until tomorrow.

"That went by way too fast," my deskmate says as he walks down the hall. "What do you think?"

I sit still in his hands, yet my heart beats just as fast as when I first laid eyes on him. I keep my head down in silence, ignoring him, hoping he'll stop trying to talk to me.

"Miss Finch? Are you alright?"

"Derrick! Over here!" yells a familiar voice.

I look up and across the hall to the balcony, where Brittney is jumping up and down. I let out a sigh of relief upon seeing her, although seeing her boyfriend standing beside the balcony sends shivers down my spine. Brittney looks so alive and full of energy while he just looks to be... stoic. Maybe even a little dead inside. I have no idea what she sees in him.

My deskmate rushes to the balcony upon hearing Brittney shouting.

"Not so loud," he whispers.

"Oh, right!" Brittney says, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Here, Miss Finch," my deskmate says, placing a finger in front of me, "let's get you onto the balcony."

I reluctantly wrap my arms around his finger, the sheer size of it still somehow managing to take me by surprise. Really, how can anyone be this big? My deskmate lifts me up and places me on the balcony beside Brittney. Once I let go and he removes his hand, all I can think about is bolting for the nearest exit. I know that I shouldn't, however, as that would definitely alert my deskmate to my fear. So instead I stay put, keeping my head down lest I look up at the boys in front of me and faint.

"How was your first day back?" my deskmate asks.

"Boooring! I'm already missing New Year's break," Brittney says.

As Brittney and my deskmate get to talking about their day, the boy beside my deskmate remains silent. I've witnessed him staring at me on more than one occasion. Could he be staring at me now? My hands shake and my legs wobble. I don't want to look, but not knowing for sure is killing me! I slowly tilt my head upwards until I'm looking at the perthean boy right in his narrowed eyes. Yikes! He was staring at me! My gaze shoots to the balcony floor as my complexion turns a bright red. My mind starts racing. What could be the matter? Why would he just stare at me like that? Is he mad at me? Could I have done something wrong?

"What about you, Kaylin?" Brittney asks.

"Oh, me? What was the question?" I respond, snapping out of it.

"Do you have a favorite subject?"

"Oh, uh," I say, pondering for a moment. I'd never really picked a favorite other than art, which this school doesn't offer. "English, I guess."

"That's a good one!" My deskmate says. "I want to teach English one day, maybe in another country."

"I thought you wanted to teach Koronian?" The boy beside him asks.

"I did, but human languages are pretty cool," my deskmate says. "Besides, it would help the rest of Perthea to become more acquainted with humans."

"Awesome!" Brittney exclaims. "Well, although I could stand here talking to you guys all day, I do have a rail to catch, so I better get going."

My heart plummets to the floor. She's going home? So soon? And leaving me here by myself with these two pertheans?!

"I-I have to go, too!" I sputter. "My dad wants me home to help with dinner."

Again, Dad could probably care less if I was home any time soon, especially since it's only three o'clock. If it means I'm hanging around pertheans more, he probably wouldn't care if I'm not home until dark.

"Come on then," Brittney says. "We'll walk out together. Bye, you guys!"

As Brittney and I head for the exit beside us, I let out a sigh of relief. It's over. It's finally over.

"Wait, Miss Finch!" My deskmate says. "There's something I wanted to ask you."

I stop dead in my tracks. With Brittney already through the exit, I'm left alone with the two perthean boys. I turn around slowly, my entire frame trembling, and look my deskmate in the eyes. I swallow hard.

"Y-yes?" I ask.

"It's just that... since we're deskmates now, I was thinking we should do something to get to know each other better. Maybe tomorrow, if you're not busy... I mean, if it's okay with your parents..."

As he rambles on, I wrap my arms around myself in an attempt to stop the shaking. Can't he get on with it already?!

"Do... do you want to maybe hang out sometime?" He finally asks.

Everything stops. All I can hear is the sound of my own heart beating a thousand times per minute.

"I-I..."

I stumble backwards, feeling for the door. Me? 'Hang out' with a perthean?! Never!

"No," I finally say, turning around and running through the door as fast as my legs can carry me. I have to get away. Now.

"Oof!" Brittney says as I bump into her from behind.

"Sorry," I say, still shaken up. "I wasn't looking where I was going."

"And here I was talking to myself, thinking you were behind me the whole time!" Brittney says, looking me up and down. "Hey, are you okay?"

"I— well, no."

Brittney's eyes soften. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I sigh as we walk through the hall together. "I guess," I say, rubbing my arm as the shaking starts to subside. "My deskmate asked me to hang out. I was barely able to tell him 'no' and make my escape! I'm relieved I was able to get away."

"You just told him 'no'? That's it?"

"Well, what else was I supposed to say? 'Never'?"

"Kaylin... I know things must be hard for you because of your fear," Brittney says, "but you might want to try and think about how you handle it. You might end up doing something that comes off the wrong way and really hurts somebody."

My heart sinks in my chest.

"So... are you saying what I said was wrong?" I ask.

"Not what you said as much as how you said it and what you did. You ran away, didn't you?"

"Yeah... but what if he didn't like my answer? What if he grabbed me and forced me to hang out with him?"

Brittney glances at me over her shoulder with one eyebrow raised, almost as if to ask why in the world anyone would do such a thing.

"It's just— I was scared, okay? I still don't know him and I don't want to get hurt," I say.

"I know. And there's nothing wrong with that," Brittney says. "But try to remember that your actions, whether you intend them to or not, can affect others. Especially your deskmate."

"Right," I say, following her through the elevator doors and down to the school lobby.

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #g/t #giant/tiny #g/t writing

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 7)

Links:

Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

- - - - - - - - - -

The rhythmic swaying of my deskmate's walking does anything but put me at ease. My heart thumps faster with every step he takes away from the perthean co-principal's office, my last link to the safety of the human undercity. I wipe the tears from my eyes in a hurry, lest the boy see me cry and start to worry. Fear or no fear, I just can't put that pressure on someone.

I hesitate to look up at the boy, fearing he might be looking at me himself. Luckily, he's not focusing on me... until he is. We lock eyes, and the world starts to spin again. My vision begins to blur with tears, and I rush to blink them away before they fall. The boy smiles at me and lets out a little laugh, completely oblivious to how hard this is for me. Well, at least I hope he's oblivious.

"So," the boy says, "are you nervous?"

"N-no!" I exclaim defensively. Can he feel my trembling? Can he see my tears? How did he figure out I'm afraid?!

"No?" The boy asks, cocking his head. "Not even a little?"

"No," I reiterate. "I... I'm not nervous."

"Hmm. Well, I'm nervous," the boy says.

I blink. Him? Nervous? What does he have to be nervous about?

"You are?" I ask.

"Yeah," he says, scratching his cheek with his free hand. "After all, having a deskmate is a huge responsibility, so I don't want to mess this up. I thought you'd have it worse, since you're basically entrusting yourself to a stranger."

My cheeks get hotter. How did he know?

"Well, maybe I'm a little nervous," I say, looking away.

"So the truth comes out!" The boy says.

Oh, no! What have I done?! I straight up told him I'm scared! What if he's angry?! What if he wants to hurt me?! My heart skips a beat as I hug my trembling frame and look up at the perthean boy. I expect to see furrowed brows and gnashing teeth, but instead I'm met with soft, smiling eyes and a big grin. Confused, I let my shoulders relax a bit and raise an eyebrow.

The boy lifts me up to his eye level, far too close for my liking. He's so close, I could reach out and touch his face if I wanted to. I scoot back.

"Well, Ms. Finch," the boy says, "you have nothing to worry about as long as you're with me! Okay?"

My heart keeps pounding and pounding! He's still so close! I nod slowly, and he seems to accept that as an answer. He brings me back to chest level and continues to the auditorium.

As we enter the auditorium, I find myself shaking my head in disbelief. I'm not able to fully comprehend what I'm seeing. This room is way, way bigger than Mrs. Hudson's office! It might even be bigger than Maedri's undercity railway station! For a human like me, it must stretch on for miles and miles!

My deskmate comes to a stop right in front of a seating area at the back of the auditorium. There's so many pertheans! My blood runs cold just looking at them all. Some of them are sitting alone while others are talking to the humans they've been paired with. I wish my deskmate would hurry up and find a seat so that I don't have to keep staring at all these people!

After a moment, my deskmate starts up the stairs. He keeps going and going, until finally, after what feels like forever, he reaches the very top of the stairs. He walks all the way to the end of the row by the wall and sits down.

"Now," my deskmate says, "do you want to stay in my hands or should I set you down?"

Finally! I can get out of this perthean's hands! The standalone balcony between the rows of chairs is just within reach!

"Y-you can set me down," I say, struggling to hide my eagerness to get out of the boy's hands.

The boy sets his finger in front of me as he did before. I stare down at it, once again in complete awe of how big it is compared to me.

"Are you going to grab on?" The boy asks when I don't move.

"S-sorry," I say, grabbing onto his finger, "I didn't sleep much last night."

"Me, neither," the boy says, lifting me up from my place in his hand.

My heart pounds in my chest as I once again dangle helplessly over a drop that might just kill me if I were to lose my grip on this boy's finger.

Relief washes over me once I'm set on the balcony. At last, solid ground! I look to the wall beside me and see an opening that leads back to the human part of the school. If I wanted to, I could run away. I could go home. I know that I can't, but it's a comfort to know that if I needed to, I could at least try to get away from this perthean.

"So, um..." the boy starts, rubbing the back of his head. "The weather is nice today!"

I look back up at him and blink. "I live underground, you know."

"Oh," he laughs nervously. "Right."

I pull up a chair, and we sit in silence for a moment. I stare down at my hands, which are resting on my lap. I can't keep eye contact with this guy, and I don't dare look at any of the other pertheans in the room, so I keep my head down.

"Um... can you tell me about yourself?" The boy asks.

I look up at him, unsure why he's so desperate to keep talking to me. "I like to draw," I say. For some reason, I can't think of anything interesting about myself at all.

"Cool," the boy says. "I like to study languages."

"That's nice," I say.

And again we sit in silence. The cycle goes on—my deskmate asks a question, I answer it, he answers it, and we sit in silence. I didn't think having a deskmate would be this awkward. After at least twenty minutes of this, I start to wonder if this is worse than what I imagined having a deskmate would be like.

"Attention, everyone! We will now begin our orientation," Ms. Clemmons exclaims.

As I turn my seat around, I see Mrs. Hudson clutching one ear, while Ms. Clemmons stands on her shoulder. I don't know if I've ever met a human that could shout that loudly. That must have hurt for Mrs. Hudson to hear.

Mrs. Hudson clears her throat. "Thank you again everyone for arriving on time, and for your patience during the deskmate pairing process. For those who haven't met me yet, I'm Mrs. Hudson, your perthean co-principal, and this is Ms. Clemmons, your human co-principal."

Mrs. Hudson and Ms. Clemmons cross their right arms over their chests and lean forward. Mrs. Hudson only leans forwards slightly, since Ms. Clemmons is on her shoulder. After they finish bowing, more pertheans with humans on their shoulders come stand to the left and to the right of Mrs. Hudson and Ms. Clemmons. Mr. Day, the human nurse, is accompanied by a perthean woman introduced as Mrs. Emaeya, who is wearing a black blouse with a white cardigan. Mrs. Wright, the human gym teacher, is accompanied by a perthean man introduced as her husband Mr. Wright, who is wearing a shirt and tie like Mr. Day.

"We look forward to assisting you this school year," they all say, bowing as Mrs. Hudson and Ms. Clemmons did before.

"Now," Mrs. Hudson says, "when our school first opened in 2500 RE, our founders had a goal in mind—that being to teach responsibility and foster friendships between pertheans and humans in an environment where both can flourish together academically."

2500? I wonder if my grandparents went to this school, too.

Mrs. Hudson goes on to explain why deskmate schools are a good idea. Something about learning more about each other's kinds and the proper forms of etiquette at a young age. As she's talking, I can't help but feel like my deskmate is staring right at me. Just thinking about it sends shivers down my spine! Trembling, I turn around only to see my deskmate staring straight ahead at Mrs. Hudson. A shuddering sigh escapes me as I return my attention to the co-principal, only for that same feeling of being watched to return.

After a few minutes of the co-principals telling us all what's expected of us, such as sticking to the proper forms of handling etiquette, maintaining communication with our deskmates, and being on time and all that, they announce that it's time to split up for a tour of the school.

Great. More being held, I assume.

"Ms. Finch," my deskmate says. "Do you want to try shoulder etiquette this time? Like the teachers are doing?"

"N-no," I say, hoping the boy doesn't notice my reddening cheeks. "That's okay, what we were doing before was fine."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My deskmate and I were forced into a group and shown around by the co-principals. They showed us how the classrooms look, with their auditorium style seating spaced out so that everyone, including humans on pertheans' desks, can see the teacher.

They showed us the library, which had seating areas where humans and pertheans can study together, as well as an entire study area just for humans with its own dedicated library. It had an escape, or rather an entrance, leading back to the human part of the school that I was all too eager to get to.

My deskmate had something to say about everything we encountered, and wouldn't stop asking me for my thoughts about the tour. Because I was in his hands, every word he spoke reverberated through my entire body, and I couldn't stop shivering because of it.

After the library, our group split in two to see the parts of the school for our own kinds— things like the gyms, showers, washrooms, and cafeterias. And that leads me to now, reluctantly following Ms. Clemmons through the halls of the human part of the school to a place called 'the pickup area,' which must mean I'm going to have to go back to being with my deskmate. Yippee.

"Take care not to crowd the balcony," Ms. Clemmons says as we exit the human halls. "Make sure everyone has room to get to their deskmate. After all, tomorrow there will be five hundred of you on this balcony."

As I step through the double doors and onto the balcony, a crowd of pertheans fills my line of sight. I almost forgot how tall they are! I begin to shake as one after the other approaches the balcony to fetch their deskmates. Knowing one of them is going to come for me causes my legs to wobble uncontrollably and my hands to tremble. I try to calm myself down by taking a deep breath, but a whimper comes out when I exhale. I inch to the back wall, unsure of what I should do. I don't want to go back to my deskmate! I pull out my phone, hands shaking, and try to look busy while I wait for the crowd to die down.

"Phones away, please," Ms. Clemmons says.

I look up to see her raising one eyebrow at me as she pushes up her glasses.

"Isn't that your deskmate?" She asks, pointing to a perthean boy standing by himself near the back of the room, rubbing one arm as he stares into space.

I reluctantly approach the edge of the balcony. I'd call out to my deskmate if I had the courage, but I don't even remember his name.

After a moment or two, the boy's eyes meet mine. Everything stops. All I can hear are his footsteps pounding the ground as he approaches me. I scurry backwards and nearly trip over my trembling legs. I look up at the boy as he reaches the balcony with a big smile spread across his face. The sight causes me to lose my grip on my phone, and it falls out of my sweaty, quivering hands and onto the balcony floor.

My deskmate frowns. "Are you alright?" He asks.

"S-sorry," I say, picking up my phone, "I didn't sleep much last night." Wait, didn't I use that excuse already?

As I'm lifted up from the balcony, I can't help but wonder what Dad was thinking sending me to this school. I'm never going to get over this stupid fear! I can't even look my deskmate in the eye without shaking uncontrollably!

My deskmate smiles down at me once I'm in his hand. Surrounded by fingers just as big as I am, it finally settles in. I'm small. So small.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"That just about wraps up our orientation!" Mrs. Hudson says. "Don't forget to show up early for attendance, which is at 8:00 am sharp!"

It doesn't take long for everyone in the auditorium to start talking amongst themselves. Some get up to leave, and I'm eager to do the same.

"Wow, over already? That went by so fast!" My deskmate says.

His voice startles me. How did I forget he's right behind me? How could I forget he's right behind me?

"So," the boy says, "what did you think of orientation?"

"I-it was fine," I say, standing up and collecting my things.

"What do you think you'll like the most about this school?" He asks.

"I don't know," I say, thinking back on the tour. There wasn't really anything that stood out. "I can't really pick just one thing..."

"I liked the library," the boy says. "I can imagine us studying together there a lot!"

"O-oh! That's nice," I respond, trying to shake away thoughts of having to study with a perthean. I don't think I'd be able to concentrate on the schoolwork. "Um, sorry to cut this short, but I have to get home. My dad is expecting me."

"Aw, really? We were just getting to know each other!"

"Yeah, b-but I'll see you tomorrow!"

I bet Dad could care less what time I get back to the apartment. I bet he'd be thrilled if I were to stay and chat with this guy all day long and didn't come home. I'm about to start walking away when my deskmate interrupts.

"So, do you live far from here?"

Do I live far from here?! I'm not about to tell this perthean where I live!

"I-it's not that far," I say, turning to leave.

"So it's a bit of a ways?" The boy asks with a frown.

"It's okay," I say, "I like walking!" I scurry away before the boy can ask me anything else.

"Oh, you walk?" He asks. "You don't take a train?"

I stop. "Yeah, my dad keeps telling me I shouldn't be complaining because he had to walk farther to school when he was my age. I really don't mind the walk, though." I turn towards the exit in the wall and make haste towards it.

"Are you really okay walking by yourself?" My deskmate asks.

"Y-yeah! I'll be fine, don't worry!" He better not be about to ask me what I think he is! I hurry even faster to the exit.

"What I mean is, considering we're deskmates now..."

The exit is right there! Please don't ask me!

"If you want me to, I could walk you home!" he says.

I stop dead in my tracks in front of the exit, my blood running cold and my entire being trembling with fear. "Th-that's okay," I say. "I'm fine with walking."

"Are you sure?" The boy asks. "Because I wouldn't mind it—"

"I said I'm fine!" I run away as fast as my legs can carry me, around the corner and down the stairs. Free at last.

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #g/t #giant/tiny

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 8)

Links:

Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

- - - - - - - - - -

My hair is fussier than usual today, I realize, as I struggle to put it up in a ponytail. Maybe it's because of the drier Chancelor air? Or, maybe it wants to stay home from school today just as much as I do? No, that's silly.

After a fair amount of fussing, I manage to get my hair up the way I want it. I take a moment to look myself over in the mirror, feeling no more at ease wearing the green and gray uniform for Pacific Deskmate High School than I did yesterday morning. In the mirror's reflection, a small stray pretzel bag catches my eye. I turn around to collect it from its place on the floor beside my trash bin, which is already overflowing with scrapped sketches and more small pretzel bags. I had packed my overnight bag with various snacks before the move, and while I didn't eat them during the trip, they proved useful yesterday when I didn't emerge from my room for lunch or dinner, despite Dad's knocking.

Oh, right. Dad.

After I came home from orientation, Dad was eager to know what I thought of the school and what my deskmate was like. Since I wasn't ready to talk, I ignored him and hid away in my room. Knowing I'm going to have to face him and his questions again fills me with dread. I already have the school to deal with, I don't need this! I heave a sigh, hesitate for a moment, and quietly turn my bedroom door handle.

There, on the other side of the door, I find Dad, hand raised as if he were just about to try knocking. I bite down on the inside of my cheek as we stare at each other in dead silence.

"Oh, you're already awake," Dad finally says. Come get some breakfast before you go, okay?"

I'm about to nod my head when a foul stench fills the air.

"What's that smell?" I say, covering my nose with my hands.

"Gah!" Dad exclaims, "I left the eggs too long!"

As he runs off to the kitchen, I can't help but wonder how much time he spent standing in front of my door hesitating to knock. I don't blame him for having a hard time knocking, considering how much I've been ignoring him since yesterday.

I reluctantly make my way to the kitchen in time to see Dad dumping his scorched eggs into the trash. I take a seat at the table and watch him grab the liquid egg carton to start over.

"So," he says, keeping his attention on the stove, "are you excited for your first day of school?"

Am I excited? Seriously? Can't he take a hint? I clench my fists as my blood boils within me. Not wanting to escalate things, I take a deep breath and hold it.

"Not exactly," I finally sigh.

"I know you're upset with me," Dad says, "but like I've been saying, I wouldn't send you to this school unless I thought it would be good for you. I'm doing this because I love you, Kaylin."

So sending me to a school full of the very people I'm afraid of is supposed to be an act of love? I grind my teeth at the idea. If you ask me, it feels like being thrown to the wolves. How am I supposed to navigate a situation like this when I have this stupid fear? This isn't going to work out, he'll see. He won't win.

After a moment or two, Dad slides a plate of eggs in front of me. "Trust me," he says, planting a kiss on my head.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Although excited chatter from new students fills the human halls of Pacific Deskmate High School, you can still sense the back to school blues emanating from the returning students. I, on the other hand, am experiencing something entirely different—pure terror.

Taking a deep breath, I close my locker and begin walking to the balcony. My insides twist at the knowledge that I'm going to have to be handled by a perthean all day, every school day, for the rest of the school year. Maybe it would be easier if the guy I got stuck with wasn't so desperate to talk to me. Then I could at least tune him out and try to forget he's there, although that would be hard to do when I'm in his hand.

Opening the door to the balcony, I'm instantly taken aback by the sheer number of people—both humans and pertheans—just standing around! I clutch the strap on my book bag tightly and look to the left and to the right. There's so many people! And why are so many pertheans hanging around the balcony? My core tightens and I take a few steps backwards. I can't do this! I turn around and start walking back to my locker, only to stop for a moment and pull out my phone. 7:54 AM. Ugh. If I want to be on time for attendance, I should probably plan to get there a little early, and who knows how long it'll take me to find my deskmate in that crowd? Letting out a sigh, I turn back around and head for the balcony.

I walk through the door and weave through the crowd, keeping my head down so I don't have to look up at any of the pertheans that are hanging around the balcony. Once I find an empty area, I approach the railing and reluctantly start scanning the room for any sign of my deskmate. After a moment or two, I spot him with his back turned to the balcony, talking to another perthean. At least, I think it's him. It's hard to tell when he's not facing me.

I pull out my phone again to text him that I'm on the balcony, only to realize with all that went on yesterday I forgot to get his number.

Oh no, yesterday! I was in such a hurry to leave because of my fear! What if my deskmate realized I'm afraid of him? What if he's mad at me? What if he thinks I don't want anything to do with him? Actually, I don't want anything to do with him, but I can't let him figure that out!

A pair of narrowed brown eyes stare me down from across the room, pulling me from my thoughts. They belong to the perthean my deskmate was talking to. I freeze in place, unable to move, my eyes locked with his. Why is this guy staring at me? Wait, was I staring at him first?

The perthean next to him turns around, following his line of sight. When they land on me, his blue eyes light up instantly. I immediately recognize them as my deskmate's. I grip the railing in front of me as he approaches the balcony, my legs trembling and begging me to run away.

"Hey! I was starting to worry we wouldn't be able to find each other in this crowd," my deskmate says. "How long were you waiting?"

"N-not long," I stammer.

My deskmate places one of his enormous digits in front of me. Ugh, this again. I take in a shaky breath and reluctantly grab onto the finger in front of me. All at once I'm lifted from the balcony and set down in my deskmate's hand. When he turns around, the sudden movement knocks me over onto my hands and knees.

"So," the boy looming above me says, "are you excited for our first day?"

"No," I say, rising to my knees and brushing myself off.

Silence. The boy holding me slows to a near stop. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

"I-I mean, I'm not excited about all the school work! Senioritis and all, as they say!" I struggle to look up at him. The weight of his stare is too much for me to bear!

The boy laughs and continues walking. "Well, it can't be that bad on our first day! I'm sure they want us to get better acquainted with the school and with each other before they start piling too much homework on us."

I stay quiet and keep my head down. Everything, everywhere— it's all so big! And I'm so... little. I can't bring myself to look at all the people, doors, and lockers that tower over me!

"Here we are," the boy says, coming to a stop. After how excited he's seemed, I was sure he wouldn't hesitate to go right into our first class. But instead he stays put here across the hall from classroom D-05, staring at the open door.

I hesitate to look up at him. "Aren't you going to go in?" I ask.

"Yeah," he says. "I just need a second." He breathes in, holds his breath for a moment, and breathes out. After crossing the hall, he peeks his head into the classroom, and inches in.

I was keeping my head down before, but now I'm cowering! All these people—all these pertheans— they're staring right at us! My heart threatens to beat out of my chest when I make eye contact with a perthean girl near the front of the class. She rolls her green eyes and shifts her attention away from me. Why can't my deskmate just find a seat already?!

Finally, my deskmate finds an empty desk all the way at the back of the class and sits down. He then lays his hand down atop the desk, and I scramble to get onto the solid surface before he can initiate balcony etiquette again. I turn away from him in a hurry and make my way to my own desk, near the corner of his. Opening up my book bag with shaking hands, I search for and pull out my English II textbook.

"Ms. Finch," my deskmate whispers behind me. "Could you tell me your phone number?"

"I can just put it in," I say, only to slowly turn around and gaze up at my deskmate.

"Oh, alright," the boy says. He taps something on his phone and then shows me the screen.

My heart sinks in my chest. This thing is huge! It's way bigger than I am, even with my arms raised as high as they can go! I stare up at the screen and see myself reflected in the glass. If my deskmate drops this thing, it'll definitely crush me! Quivering, I reach one hand forward and tap the first digit in my phone number. A strong vibration catches me off guard at first when I make contact with the glass, but I keep going, typing my phone number in one digit at a time. When I'm finished, I quickly scoot away, and my deskmate lifts his phone away from me.

"Thanks," he says as he types something in.

"Welcome back, everyone," says a woman at the front of the class. "I trust you're all excited for your senior year. Let's begin attendance, shall we?"

As I'm taking my seat, I feel a vibration in my skirt pocket. I pull out my phone to see a text from an unknown number.

Hey! This is Derrick! Here's a contact photo!

Below this message is a picture of my deskmate wearing aviators and doing a peace sign. I decide not to text him back.

"Mr. Drake and Ms. Finch?" calls the teacher.

"Here!" we say.

My deskmate's voice is so much louder than mine. I wonder if the teacher could even hear me. Does it even matter that I responded at all?

#too small to be afraid #tstba #perthea #g/t #giant/tiny

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 6)

Links:

Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

- - - - - - - - - -

I follow Ms. Clemmons through the door and into an enormous room that I can only assume is the perthean co-principal's office. I survey the room from a balcony at least fifty— no, sixty feet off the ground. It's very similar to Ms. Clemmons' office, with the same bookshelves, filing cabinets, and desk. What's different are the files and stacks of paperwork scattered about in a disorganized mess.

As I scan the room in an attempt to familiarize myself with my surroundings, that's when it happens. That's when my eyes meet his. His eyes are a deep blue, and wide with enthusiasm I can only begin to wish I had. His gaze pierces through me like a dagger and leaves me helpless to do anything but stare right back, breathless.

My legs shake. My hands tremble. The blood rushing to my face is so hot, I feel as though I might melt into a puddle. I nearly lose my footing as my vision threatens to fade to black.

"Are you alright?" Ms. Clemmons says, breaking me from my trance.

"Don't worry, everything's fine!" says another voice, clearly in a panic.

Behind the large desk is a perthean woman much younger than Ms. Clemmons. Her black hair just barely reaches her shoulders, and her brown eyes are filled with surprise. She straightens her red blouse and black cardigan in a hurry, and then turns her gaze to me.

"Ms. Kaylin Finch? Your father has told me so much about you," she says.

That's right— the perthean co-principal at this school used to be deskmates with Dad. That must be why she looks so familiar. I know I've seen the two of them video chat before.

"I'm Mrs. Hudson, the perthean co-principal of Pacific. It's nice to finally meet you!" Her right arm crosses her chest, and she leans forward.

"Y-you, too," I say, kicking myself for stuttering as I lay my own right arm over my chest and lean forward. Wait, did I bow far enough? I don't want to look impolite!

"This," Mrs. Hudson says, motioning to the perthean on the other side of the desk, "is Mr. Derrick Drake."

The boy turns to face me with a big smile spread across his face. His gaze pierces right through me once more as he too crosses his right arm over his chest and leans forward. I reciprocate, but this time I worry if I bowed too low.

"Kaylin— I mean, Ms. Finch," Mrs. Hudson says. "Are you familiar with balcony etiquette?"

"Balcony etiquette?" I ask.

"Have you ever been lifted from a balcony before?" Ms. Clemmons clarifies.

Figuring what must be coming next, I want to run away as far as my trembling legs will carry me, but instead I restrain myself and simply shake my head 'no.'

"Mr. Drake," says Mrs. Hudson, turning to face my deskmate. "Do you remember how to perform balcony etiquette?"

"Yes, ma'am," the boy says.

"Why don't you teach your new deskmate how it works?"

The boy laughs nervously, rubbing one arm. Mrs. Hudson continues to look at him expectantly. Then, the boy turns his gaze back to me. He's walking right towards me! What should I do?! My heart races at a thousand beats per minute, and I can't help but stumble backward. The sound of his footsteps pounding the ground rings in my ears and sends shivers down my spine. I have to get out of here! I want to run, but my feet remain stuck to the balcony floor. Why can't I move?!

"Ms. Finch, right?" asks the boy, his voice booming in my ears.

I slowly crane my neck back to look up at him, and try my hardest to keep myself from trembling. No matter what happens, I can't let any of these pertheans find out how terrified I am of them. If they find out, who knows what they'll think of me. Or what they'll do to me...

"Mhm," I squeak out, nodding my head.

"Great," says the boy, smiling. "You can just call me Derrick, by the way."

I stand there helplessly, in utter disbelief of how tall this perthean is. I've never been this close to a perthean in my entire life! If he wanted to, it would be so easy to grab me and squeeze the life out of me!

When I don't respond, the boy lets out another nervous laugh. "Right. So, uh, balcony etiquette."

It takes everything within me to not stumble backwards yet again as he raises one of his enormous hands and settles it right in front of me. It's huge! His fingers are as big as fully grown humans!

"Hold onto my finger," he says, "then I'll lift you and place you in my other hand."

I stare wide-eyed at the massive finger in front of me, and glance at my own hands to compare. I've never given much thought to the littlest of wrinkles or crevices on my own hands, but the ones on his hands are so big! Can he see the details in my hands? Can he even see my hands at his scale?

Not wanting to be any closer to this perthean stranger, I look back at Ms. Clemmons, almost as if to ask if I really have to go through with this. She nods her head and gives an encouraging smile. I guess I'm on my own.

I return my attention to the perthean boy's finger, my heart pounding deep within my chest and my entire being trembling with fear. And somehow, despite everything inside of me screaming at me, telling me not to do it... I reach out and gently place my hand on his finger. I look up to see him smiling.

"That's it," he says. "Now hold on tight!"

Without a moment's hesitation, the boy begins to raise his hand off the balcony. Against my own instincts, I lunge forward and wrap myself tightly around his finger. Before I know it I'm dangling over that sixty foot drop, hearing nothing but the sound of my own heartbeat ringing in my ears.

As soon as I feel a soft, squishy surface below my feet, I become all too eager to let go of the boy's finger. I struggle to balance myself at first, but after a moment or two of flailing my arms, I feel comfortable standing. I just wish I were standing anywhere else but a perthean's palm.

"There you go," the boy says, moving the hand he placed me on closer to his chest.

The movement, being quick and unexpected, causes me to lose my balance. I fall flat on my bottom, and blood quickly rushes to my face as I scramble to recover.

"Oh! Sorry," the boy apologizes. "Are you okay?"

I nod my head yes, yet I feel everything except okay. I can't stand it here, I want to go home!

My trembling reaches an all time high as I sit helplessly in the palm of this perthean's hand. I try to keep it under control, to do all I can to stop it, but it continues. If my deskmate notices, what will he think of me then?

"Well? Are you all set?" Mrs. Hudson asks.

"I think so!" my deskmate says.

I look up as everyone's eyes turn to me. The room begins to spin, and my insides churn. Unable to speak, I give a quick nod.

"Great!" Mrs. Hudson says. "Go back to the auditorium and wait there. Orientation will begin shortly!"

With that, my deskmate nods his head and turns around. I sway in motion with his movement, and every step he takes shakes my entire body. I think I'm going to be sick.

I fold my shaking hands in my lap and stare down at them as my deskmate continues to the auditorium. I take in a deep breath and hold it for as long as I'm able. Hot tears wet my eyes and stream down my cheeks. It's at this moment I realize there's no turning back. I'm completely under this perthean's control.

#tstba #too small to be afraid #perthea #g/t #giant/tiny