#this post SCREAMS maladaptive daydreaming but who cares

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Will never understand the use or appeal of character ai

like genuine question... can you not just imagine that?

like within your mind's eye?

In terms of aphantasia I can understand, but aphantasia effects external material too, like not being able to visualize fanfiction or ai writing either. As they completely lack a minds eye with any kind of literature.

So like, that aside - can you genuinely not imagine it yourself?

Is it that difficult? To just sit there and imagine it?

Why must you resort to a machine in order to do that?

They can say comforting words-

Okay, but can you imagine them saying comforting words without the assistance of an AI? Yes? So - What's the problem?

Why take advantage of systems you know infringe on and endanger many people and careers, when you can literally just sit there and do nothing and get the same experience

By imagining it.

Imagining things and daydreaming deliberately is not a bad thing or inferior to works feed to you. In fact, they can have even more of an impact as they are personalized to you.

If your imagination or creativity is not strong enough and you are aware of that - even more reason to actively try to strengthen it.

Imagination of nonexistent scenarios contribute directly to the ability of forethought and critical thinking. The more you go out of your way to imagine things, the more you'll see possibilities and solutions in real life you wouldn't have before.

The more you are able to visualize things without assistance, you become more able to practice compassion and empathy.

Because you don't need to be shown/live something directly to understand or put yourself in said situation.

Ones imagination is a very vital thing, not just to ones creativity - but to their wellbeing, critical thinking, and memory.

You are better off just imagining it, truly.

Instead of restoring to the convenient option of using technologies that you know can harm people IN THE NOW.

Like - yes, you wanna hear Hobie say 'I love you'. - Close your eyes and imagine it bro.

Free and you can do it anywhere. As far as we know we're the only mammals on Earth capable of this gift.

You don't need to use AI character voices that are actively putting voice actors out of their jobs.

You DON'T NEED character ai chat bots that write fanfic for you when writers are STILL STRIKING because large studios want to use the SAME technology you're using for the SAME purpose.

The more you interact with these bots and technology, the smarter and more advanced they become. They learn with every interaction. The more you use them, the more dangerous they become.

I work in the film industry. We're still lights out, and it's getting worse.

JUST IMAGINE IT.

This post may sound preachy, but just try it once. Turn off everything and go somewhere and find the perfect song and sit there and do nothing but imagine the character. Complete focus on your fantasy.

IT'S FUN

For the sake of screenwriters and fanfic writers and voice actors and fan artists and everything else

JUST IMAGINE IT.

#IT'S REALLY REALLY FUN I PROMISE #AND DOING NOTHING LITERALLY HELPS THE CAUSE IN THIS CASE #this post SCREAMS maladaptive daydreaming but who cares #hobie brown #hobie brown x reader #Hobie brown x you #hobie brown x y/n #writers strike #character ai #characterai #wga strike #wga solidarity #maladaptive daydreaming #madd #immersive daydreaming

[royaltrashkin]

"How dare you paint your walls, you selfish piece of shit," says The New York Times, right before the obits. "Even if you own your home, you'll fucking die one day. Think of forty years from now; you know the trends won't stay. How dare you how dare you how dare you leave a mark. You shouldn't stay for decades; buy and sell, for profit is the point."

"How dare you collect those mugs, those plushies, or those books?" says the influencer paid by the view. "Collecting turns to hoarding, and hoarding is a sin. The only way to live is in beige and grey; unless it's essential, throw it away!"

"Daydreaming is maladaptive, and standing out is toxic," says the tiktoker who never saw a therapist but learned psychology from Buzzfeed headlines. "It isn't bullying; we are shaming you into being normal. If you don't mask, you're a danger!"

"Anything you enjoy is addiction," says ThrasherSlasherRedPillHacker. "Caffeine is crack, and sugar is the worst. Anything but work is Satan, and your phone will eat your soul."

"How dare you ask your friends for help; you are a goddamn drain," says someone who I've never met; someone who wants a post that makes the likes go high. "How dare you speak, how dare you laugh, how dare you even cry; friends are just for facebook dear, something to pass the time."

Blend in and work. Shut up and grind. Affording any pleasure is a sign of greed; paycheck to paycheck is the only way to be. Take some PTO? Whore, you make me laugh. Self care is peeling off your face and wearing Kim's instead. Hustle and mask; shut up and never live. Eat clean and keep spotless. Shut your children in. How dare they fly. How dare they scream. How dare you leave the home Miss; what are you, a capitalist? If you have pennies after bills, bitch don't you forget that in this household, we eat the rich. Everything's an illness dear; medicate and obey. Let your husbands rule you 'cause they've got bills to pay.

#writing stuff #boo hoo whine whine

[sg-s3c]

I love how you write jade! Shes so hard on herself but still sweet and bubbly i love her!

aw thanks!!! :3 i like jade a lot and thought she would make an interesting point of comparison with john - i imagine with their childhood friends getting married and with post-retcon jade in particular having so many issues with loneliness they'd both feel kinda awkward and left out on earth c, but john's response to distress is to isolate himself from people who care and have dumb tantrums about seemingly unrelated things, while jade's is to do as much as she possibly can to tackle the issue head-on and try really hard to stay positive. so john's been having bitchy conversations with a weird evil guy and making conspiracy theories while jade's been working hard on maintaining existing friendships and trying not to let anything get to her (possibly trying a bit too hard not to let anything get to her and not being kind to herself :( )

sadly i think despite probably being able to relate in many ways their difference in stress responses would make them not horribly helpful to each other as emotional support… john can be a huge tool if pushed on anything and jade is not a fan of watching people fall into negativity and will push back on it, especially when she finds herself in scenarios where her own issues are being reflected back at her but dealt with poorly, like with john on the ship pre-retcon and with karkat and jadesprite in act 5. in the homestuck cinematic universe that exists in my maladaptive daydreams jade has coped with some of her earth c listlessness by putting a lot of her energy into helping others, so i think it was extra frustrating for her when john pushed her away since he was also putting a damper on her own preferred way to deal with her feelings

i also imagine her getting close with dirk since she's already close with dave and jake and everything about dirk screams that he's a guy who needs help, plus there's some interest overlap with engineering and robotics. idk if i'll be able to show that in my fanventure without making the pacing weird or introducing too much scope creep though… hmm

#sorry this got long

[divine-mistake]

How did you get the idea for tcor? What’s an idea you thought of for tcor but decided against it?

okay so buckle up for a long ride boys, this answer is gonna be big. hey if you ever wondered about who i am and why i am the way that i am, this is definitely the post for you. tw: domestic abuse (and all the fixin’s so if you’re easily triggered just don’t read this)

so when i got into the marvel fandom, i loved one single character, and that was loki. like i didn’t actually care about anyone else at all. i had seen marvel movies (very out of order) but i had watched the first two thor movies and i just loved loki so much because i really related to him, since i grew up with complex, for lack of better words, relationships with my parents. i was very independent as a child but still grew up extremely codependent thanks to the abuse that i was put through. anyway, i saw loki, he was hot, he was similar to me, and i attached as we all do. for probably a year i only read fanfic that was about loki, so i started developing ideas for him.

and then sometime late last year, in the height of quarantine, i saw a bucky fic that looked super intriguing and began to get into bucky fanfic! and i realized i related to bucky like... a lot. like, maybe too much. because when i graduated high school, two days later i bounced out of my hometown and moved in with a man who should be in jail for multiple reasons. my ex was emotionally manipulative, physically destructive, and sexually... well, i can’t even begin to put that in words. this person ruined me in the most particular of ways. he starved me of food, he humiliated me in public, he completely broke me of personhood. the eighteen-year-old taylor who loved fully and rejected cynicism and never judged a soul for anything died and her blood is smeared across the bathroom tiles of that california apartment. and, when you tear someone’s personhood away from them, you can make them believe anything you want. and he made me believe in an entirely different reality than the one that i was living in.

because of this other reality, my memories are completely skewed. there used to be nights that i woke and, because my room was arranged in the same way as our apartment was, i would scream and scream because i thought i was still there and i dreamed up leaving. there are times when i think that none of what is in my head happened at all, that when he tells people i abused him instead that it’s true. and sometimes i can still hear the words he would say to me so loudly in my head that i can’t separate what’s real and what’s not. because his words always had a fraction of truth to them, and that’s what makes it so hard.

anyway, i’m getting off topic. i connected with bucky because, like him, i have a brain that is basically jell-o. i live in different realities and when i wake up i don’t always know which one i’m in. and it’s all too easy to trigger me and send me back into a spiral of “maybe none of this happened. maybe i’m making this all up. maybe it’s my fault and i’m being too dramatic.” bucky (pre-tfatws) couldn’t remember everything he had done. i don’t remember everything either, and sometimes i’ll get flashes of these memories i’m uncovering and i can’t help but ask myself whether they are real or if i’m creating them as i go.

case in point, i only remember this year that my ex made me eat kid cuisine. a 400 calorie frozen meal designed for children. at times, it was the only thing he’d let me eat for a few days. and it was humiliating. but you can’t make something up like that, can? could a brain really make up a story such as that?

the cracks in our reality was derived from this dilemma that i face every single day. people seem to talk a lot about maladaptive daydreaming, especially in fandom, but they never talk about this side. they never talk about what happens to abuse victims after everything is over. how i use maladaptive daydreaming to go back and fix the cracks that are left in my memories, which further skews my version of the truth. how the truth constantly changes because every single time you remember something, your brain fills in gaps with its own information. how someone can break every single part of your reality down through torture and abuse and build you back up into a monster because you are desperate for relief. how you can’t trust you own mind, your own memories, your own hands. and how much better it feels to slip away into a newly constructed reality where someone loves you. and you aren’t damaged. and you’re good again. a place where you can be the girl whose body you left to decompose and rot in that apartment. i can’t be her again, not in this reality. but when i go back to the other reality, i can be her, and in that reality, people can love me.

rabbit and loki both embody my own trauma, but very different sides. and loki’s trauma - and it’s lack of exploration in media - has consistently bothered me because as someone who suffers extensively from similar situations to loki, watching his story be covered up, treated as a joke, never mentioned, and then having him villainized for it, it fucks with my head. because i should be villainized for the things i did to leave that apartment. maybe when my ex calls me evil, he’s right, because i escaped by fighting tooth and nail. so if loki is the villain for what he did, aren’t i?

but on the other hand, bucky has been pardoned and forgiven and is seen as a hero. bucky is a good guy. he was never really a villain in the first place, was he? because he was being controlled and he didn’t know what he was doing and he couldn’t say no. and i couldn’t say no either. so then, am i good? is this a different reality? should i be praised for how i was able to escape my captor and how i have rebuilt myself into a fucking machine who can barely feel things anymore in order to compartmentalize what happened to her so she can put one foot in front of the other? bucky doesn’t have a good memory, and i don’t either. and he has nightmares too and people love him. do i have the capacity to be loved? or should i just stay a villain - because i know some people look at me like i’m a villain for what i did to my ex.

i did escape though. i manipulated my ex into unlocking my cage and letting me out and i ran and never looked back. he chased me. he stalked me. he still, to this day, threatens my life and it feels the same way it did when he held a knife to my arm and told me that if i didn’t kill myself he would do it for me. but i’m okay and i left and i struggle between whether i am good or evil for it.

tcor i guess is my way of dealing with all these feelings that i can’t talk to people about. and so this is the inspiration. and i really probably shouldn’t have talked about all this but i guess i just want people to know that at some point it gets better, it has to get better, like i am alive and i shouldn’t be alive but i am and i’m here and i’m. i’m okay. i’m not good but i’m okay and i’m finally at a point, years later, where i’m starting to open these wounds up and heal. and tcor is a large large part of that. it’s why i take so many breaks in writing it sometimes, because it’s like picking a scab on an old, festering wound and trying to clean out the gunk. it’s therapeutic in a way. and i write it and continue to write it because i know it helps other people, who have been through similar things, just as much as it helps me.

anyway thanks for coming to my tedtalk if you read through all of this? but feel free not to read this it’s just junk and i’ve talked too much about myself. but tcor is special to me, really special, because it’s my story. both rabbit and loki are parts of me that exist together that i’m sending out into the world, unprotected, to be read and torn to shreds or to be held by gentle palms. and i’m glad that it’s received such good reception. idk i’m just rambling now haha.

tldr; don’t read tcor it’s a mess but it’s my mess and i love it very much.

thank you for 1k! join my sleepover and ask me anything!

#divines1ksleepover #tw domestic abuse #tcor #long post #ask me anything

[dear-trashpanda]

Slightly longer incoherent post instead of five separate shorter incoherent posts

So like I wanted to point out a couple things.

1, I was in an earlier post talking about how my parents used to tell me to pull it together when I was younger. And I realise that from that post without context it might seem like they have been emotionally abusive towards me or something. And I just wanted to point out that this is not at all the case.

Basically my dad is a poster boy for undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome, he was abused and neglected as a child and he has lost 3 out of his 4 children, and my mum is a half-orphan who grew up with no mum of her own and a dad who never got over having lost the love of his life and so he couldn't really be there for my mum when she needed him most. Looking at them through this lense, yes they are two incredibly damaged people with their own respective plethora of psychological issues, but they have honest to god tried their best to raise me in as loving and caring of an environment as possible. What caused most of the troubles is that I was a special needs child and they were most likely not equipped with the skills required to fulfill those needs. Basically, no matter how hard they tried, what they could offer in terms of caregiving was not aligned with my needs as a child. Probably, someone of a different temperament would have turned out perfectly fine, and it is an unlucky coincidence that in my case, this turned out to be severely traumatising. I do have some repressed memories, so I can't speak for this with a 100% certainty, but as I remember it, our trauma didn't come from direct abuse, but from a series of way more subtle, but nonetheless traumatising events, that involved being physically sickly, having been in painful accidents in early childhood that required long periods of hospitalisation and frequent isolation, having difficulties setting and understanding my own boundaries, social isolation, cultural context (e.g. no availability of child psychiatry, obtaining a diagnosis, mental hygiene professionals etc.), the misalignment of my and my parents' love language and like a ton of other shit that one by one seems like small crap but in total it managed to fuck me up for life.

2, I keep thinking about system roles. Like, the thing is, for the past 5 years I locked myself away from all information on OSDD/DID and on other systems' experiences, because I know how suggestible I am and I didn't want to accidently make things worse for myself by adding a layer of maladaptive daydreaming and pseudo-symptoms to my preexisting condition. But by now we're relatively stable as a system, so I thought, what the heck, let's see what the literature and the people of the internet say. And while I'm still trying to figure out the popular terminology and stuff, what I've learnt so far has provided me with enough context so I could start overthinking analysing my own situation and thinking about ourselves in a whole new, systemic approach. (See what I did there? What I DID there? Holy fuck Brain, go to sleep.)

So yeah, different roles. And like, what the fuck is even going on with our other alters because ACTUALLY while we're trying to pretend that it's a very small and neat system of two people, that's very much not true and in general, we're like a fucking mess. So I guess quick system rundown follows:

The Actives

Fox - Host/primary. Xe's what we call a fighter/survivor. Fox is the product of some extreme stress and xe represents the part of us that fought xyr way through all the life-or-death crap we've gone through and that's what xe thrives on. Xe has a hard time these days because life is lovely and stable and it's kinda giving xem a full identity crisis... So I guess in a way xe could be considered a protector?

Bunny - our very own little, and an absolute cinnamon bun. She is a soother, and while she never fronts alone, she's the only one of us who can co-con and she mostly comes out when I'm in distress and she just hugs me until the world is all better.

The Dormants (these guys don't have animal aliases so I'll just use their real names)

The Demon/The Bitch - she's a terrorist, or what people call a persecutor, if I understand it correctly. She used to be able to co-con and apparently had all of our memories, and her sole role was to torture and threaten us, sometimes actually breaking into front and making a very bad job of pretending to be one of us to confuse/manipulate our loved ones, but she couldn't resist making a mock version of us, so it wasn't super effective. She's been very active for a while, but mostly dormant for the past years. Maybe we just realised she was just a scared little girl and hugged her to death...

Emily - she used to be some weird form of a protector. Like, the kind that threatens you with the coconut she wields as a weapon because that was the first object she could grab and she shuffles into the bathroom to barricade herself in just so she can call it job done and go away again. She was kinda problematic and one-dimensional, and while she has been fully dormant for the past 3 or so years, I definitely "inherited" her jumpiness and way of getting startled by literally anything and everything, so I guess we kinda fused together accidentally or something...? Like, did I eat her? Ugh...

Dylan - she was a short-lived one, and mainly a reaction to a certain life situation, where we lived in deep poverty, starvation and extreme daily stress, so her singular goal was to have fun. We basically denied her a chance to front because... Well, because that was what seemed to be the right thing to do at that moment.

Alice(?) - I actually don't know anything about her, I'm not even sure she ever really existed, I just found some clues in a journal (that's where the name is from) and some stuff none of us claimed afterwards, so I suspect someone was there at a point but I'm absolutely unclear on any of the details.

The Confusing Shit

Brain - I was recently told that not everybody's brain is talking to them and that Brain might actually be some sort of system-related stuff, but basically it's just there to entertain me with horrifying, but kinda endearing and/or absolutely hilarious shit. And to torment me with anxiety voices but you know...

The Chorus - just a bunch of jumbled internal noise that keeps screaming static at me every time I'm too stressed.

The Hollow - it describes itself as a sort of autopilot, or rather, "whatever remains when you strip all personality from the body. It's a collection of physical functions and its goal is to keep us going when noone's fronting. It keeps us fed, hydrated, safe, and periodically puts the body to sleep so maybe one of us can re-enter front.

TP (myself) - so yeah, as far as roles go, I'm like... What, part protector-part persecutor-part trauma holder-part little-part host like wtf am I even?! I know that everybody has a blind spot for themselves, but like does any alter ever know what the fuck their function is supposed to be?! I'm just so fucking confused pls someone explain my system to me?!

3, about the excessive posting today. I dunno. I really just cannot stop, but I'm also more out of it than I have been any time in the past like ever, and occasionally I'm not even sure it's me or who am I so I'm deeply sorry for the verbal diarrhea. I guess I'm partly doing this because I'm sure I won't remember any of this later, like I keep "waking up" and it's been like 50 years and it's still the SAME MOTHERFUCKING DAY AND IT'S BEEN LIKE 5 SECONDS since the last post I've written the day before yesterday, so I guess it's also like my sense of time is absolutely fucked, but seriously I've just lived a lifetime of incoherent torment this day, like, did I just die and go to hell and this is what hell is? Seems plausible.

#long rant #did life #did questions #actually did

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Introducing me(us???)?

Ok no that's a terrible freaking title. We are not the jonas brothers.

Who's we? Haha honestly I'm not even sure anymore. This is a hard one to write because I literally don"t tell anyone about my "inner world" which is why I'm keeping my blog anonymous for now .

I guess I'm just a wierd human with a messed up brain that has no reason to be messed up. I'm in the process of figuring it all out .

Long story short "we" is me and my ... I'm not sure what to call them I used to think they were just imaginary freinds , but they have become something so much more real.

I remember being 5 years old and having imaginary freinds like any other child. I cant remember much but I'm pretty sure my home life was perfect. I have an amazing mum and dad and even had two grandparents at the time. I remember happiness and my cat who really wasnt a fan of me , but I adored her regardless , even if she did end up scratching the living hell out of me on many occasions. My main issue at the time was serious separation anxiety, I couldn't handle being away from my parents , it got better towards the end of the school year I think after a lot of spending most of the year screaming until my dad would pick me up. I found it hard making freinds as I was somewhat anti social and liked playing on my own often, but I found a freind in the end. I think we got on so well cause she was different too. Turned out she had Autism, something that I'll probably talk about a lot here. Anyway as I said back then was when I first remember having imaginary freinds , and constantly daydreaming . I used to watch my dad play video games a lot so a lot of my daydreams would be based off the video games . At the time It was perfectly fine. I was just a strange kid who had an over active imagination, zoned out a lot in school , and often enjoyed my own company, but couldn't understand why my peers didnt like the antisocial wierd kid. I remember getting teased as I have a harmless autoimmune skin condition that I developed aged 3 and I felt alienated for it . The serious bullying didnt start until later in primary school though .(I think age 11 or thereabouts, was when shit really hit the fan) Anyway the imaginary freinds were originally just that . Unfortunately things changed when my one freind from school left and moved across the country. I had no freinds so that's where I began to use my imaginary freinds to replace real people. By the time I was 13 I'd almost completely isolated myself , I didnt know how to interact with real people.

I eventually thought I'd got it all under control . I found a group of people that were all a bit wierd. Originally it was cool and I fit in okay.

When I went to sixth form college, stuff started to get weirder though. I'd been struggling throughout secondary school I'd spent a lot of time kind of going back into my alternate reality . Even at freinds parties I used to pretend that I was a different person in my alternate reality doing something with my inner world family. I mentioned it once or twice to someone at CAHMS (The british child mental health services) that I was seeing as I'd struggled a lot with anxiety and self harm , but I never wanted to be fully honest about it . I was embarrassed.

Aged 12 I remember "pretending" to be a character called Casey. At the time I was spending a lot of time pretending I was Kasey and I was making a talk show with my other imaginary freinds . Eventually another character called Paulie took Casey's place .

Paulie's whole existence is kinda embarrassing. They're a typical queer cringe OC That you know a 14 year old neurodivergent weirdo would make up. I kind of originally used them as a way to explore my special interests. And to understand things about the world . In many ways Paulie was kind of a reflection of myself and you know everything was fine . Paulie is a 5ft7 young non binary person . Born male but definitely presents more feminine. Some of the other details about them came from me incorporating things I'd learned from various medical documentaries and things I'd researched on the internet. (One of my special interests always was science , particularly biology, when I was young I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet or something like that. I dont know why I find it so fascinating. It's kind of my party trick - boring people with the details of a random medical condition that they absolutely did not ask for.) I'll go into full details at some point . I find it kind of embarrassing to talk about it all.

Anyway It used to be great we used to pretend to do makeup on our youtube channel that of course did not exist .(the deeper I get into this the more I want to delete my life) it became to the point where I was doing daily "vlogs" in the inner world as Paul , again just something I day dreamed about. It was getting beyond the limits of normal daydreaming.

At some point I came across a video about "Maladaptive daydreaming " for once in my life I didnt feel quite so alone. I couldn't believe that I wasnt the only one who did this! Ever since then I've toyed with the idea of opening up about it , maybe through some sort of blog or youtube video etc. However, I wasn't ready until now. I'm still not ready to be completely open with my freinds and family (the one person who even knows 1/3 of this stuff is my mum) which is why I'll remain anonymous for now .

In the last 2 years things have gotten increasingly more strange and confusing. When I was in sixth form college (british equivalent of high school) Paulie started to be kind of phased out of my daydreams. Then Eric showed up.

Again , it was just daydreaming that had gone a bit too far at this point, however I soon realised that my personality appeared to have changed to become much more like Eric. I stopped wearing makeup so often. I began to feel dysphoric about my body , I began to wish I was Eric.

From then it's just been confusing. It's never just been Paul , Casey or Eric . At first i thought I'd just made an imaginary family. I've been saying that I have literally no idea why because my family are great. But I wonder if it was because I lost my nan and then metaphorically lost my dad.

My dads not dead , hes alive (just about I mean he smokes like a chimney so it's probably only a matter of time) Our relationship is so wierd. I try to be grateful for him purely because hes not a completely bad person. He gave me a great childhood and has never laid a finger on me. But when I was about 13 , I lost him. He became self absorbed in his own past.

Around about that time one of my dads ex freinds died. Since then dads been remembering things from his past and is convinced that this ex freind emotionally abused him and traumatised him for life.

Hes told me the stories so many times because hes so caught up in it that I should probably remember more of what he told me but honestly I think after the third time I just gave up with talking to him. Dad never cares about what you're talking about . He only cares about himself.

I'll spare you the details for now. Maybe I'll make a post about it. I suppose that's his shit not mine though . I dont deny that his ex freind wasnt exactly nice to him and cheated him out of a relationship. But I just feel like he should maybe you know go to therapy rather than sitting at home , freeloading from my mum , mumbling to himself all day about things that happened in the past.

Its very selfish of me because I know even though dads not exactly had the worst life, and he is a little bit of a narcissist who thinks that hes had the worst life possible , I know hes hurting. But I used to have a dad , now hes just not there. We used to do stuff , and I used to adore him, However hes just not my dad anymore. Theres glimmers of him there . But hes so entangled with the past , (and also a bit delusional) that I cant have a normal father daughter relationship with him anymore.

I guess maybe the combo of that , the strain its put on my parents marriage (they're still together but they argue more now) and the fact that I'm a sensitive little snowflake who really cant deal with anything unpleasant, is the reason I created my imaginary family. I don't know if I want to put it down to that though. I feel like that makes me sound like my dad , blaming my problems on what feels like insignificant past events.

Anyway. I kind of hate the fact that I have another family on the inner world. Because even though my dads a bit of an asshat , hes my dad and as a multitude of people have told me " at least you have a dad , at least your parents are still together" and I adore my mum. Like shes as close to a perfect mum as you get in this world. Of course she has off days and it's not always sunshine and rainbows , but shes amazing. She loves me , she supports me through everything and she does so much for me. No matter how many times I screw up she just sighs and helps me move on. Mind you. I havent got anyone quite like her in the inner world.

Since I've been more honest with myself (and the boys) about the fact that I am in fact daydreaming and its not real , the boys have begun to accept my mum as their own almost. Obviously they have real mums, but I know they love her to pieces.

Anyway, so this big imaginary family. Has become more than that. A lot of the dudes are still just imaginary freinds but with a few of the boys , whom I've introduced you to two out of the three, have become scarily real. Eric is the main one. The last couple of years it's progressed to the point where sometimes , I'm not sure if I am me or if I am Eric , or if Eric is me. Sometimes I feel like I'm thinking in his voice. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see him. And sometimes he looks in the mirror and sees me. I think as Paul was so feminine. It didn't show so much. We could just pretend we were me on the outside. But when Eric is in my headspace, I hate my feminine body, I've bought a binder and my wardrobe is becoming less feminine. Because I just dont feel like the same person. I'm honestly so confused I really dont know what is going on or why it's happening.

In some ways the inner world is still just me navigating the world and my way of making sense of things. But it's also kind of like , parts of my personality, as little people that live in my brain , but not quite , I cannot begin to explain it .

And then of course, just when I'm trying to figure out the Eric saga and who the hell I even am anymore, Vlad pops up.

I'll always have a soft spot for Vlad. Hes Paul's older brother and has been in the inner world for quite some time , but has been more I suppose, in my headspace as I call it in the last six months or so. Hes the only one that I've managed to do a successful drawing of thus far although I'll try and do some of the other dudes at some point. Only issue is Vlad would much rather we doodle bugs than the other boys. Vlad has been my way of exploring the whole prospect of having Autism , I'm not diagnosed yet as the waiting lists are frankly ridiculous (yay for the tories?) but I've based vlads character around the traits that I have, and he helps me not be so ashamed of being neurodivergent. He also kind of helps me deal with my Emetophobia (the fear of vomiting) and my issues I have around food - which I honestly thought weren't that bad until I got told that the issues I've been having with my stomach and swallowing for the last year , are completely down to my anxiety. And it was at that point that I realised I may have been a teensy bit more traumatised by my phobia of vomiting than I originally believed. In fact vlads backstory is based off of my whole fear of being sick and what started it off (that time the norovirus kicked my ass, big time) .

Uhh so theres a bit about us . I'm not ready to fully open up yet . I want to eventually tell you more about the inner world but baby steps hey. I plan on trying to post more but , I'm useless so I wouldn't count on it.

[blackjacketmuses]

hc; og dante 12

In honor of @dwellsinme​ who inspired me with her HC to post mine, because I’ve had it but haven’t gotten around to actually posting about it.

Dante - my Dante - is very much ADHD. 

It’s kind of a tossup whether his nature as a hybrid has anything to do with it (see: PJO series), but he is definitely, definitely ADHD and has been since he was a kid. Unfortunately, in the late 70s-early 80s, neurodivergence wasn’t as big or talked about a concept, so no one really had any idea, and Dante’s so detached from the normal human life at this point it’s probably never come up and never will. He functions....as well as one would expect with that on top of cPTSD and depression, but, yknow, he manages. So it’s never been a real, true problem. Drove his parents and teachers crazy as a little, and definitely drives people crazy now, but...that’s just how Dante is.

I’m gonna go into more detail under a cut just because long post incoming:

To start I’m just gonna drop a list of symptoms here, so you can kinda see what I’m getting at: bolding is mine, and is the symptoms Dante visibly explicitly shows and expresses (for the record, he definitely has combined type, which has symptoms of both inattentive and hyperactive)---

Inattentive type:

Be easily distracted, miss details, forget things, and frequently switch from one activity to another

Have difficulty maintaining focus on one task

Become bored with a task after only a few minutes, unless doing something they find enjoyable

Have difficulty focusing attention on organizing or completing a task

Have trouble completing or turning in homework assignments, often losing things (e.g., pencils, toys, assignments) needed to complete tasks or activities

Appear not to be listening when spoken to

Daydream, become easily confused, and move slowly

Have difficulty processing information as quickly and accurately as others

Struggle to follow instructions

Have trouble understanding details; overlooks details

Hyperactive type:

Fidget or squirm a great deal

Talk nonstop

Dash around, touching or playing with anything and everything in sight

Have trouble sitting still during dinner, school, and while doing homework

Be constantly in motion

Have difficulty performing quiet tasks or activities

Be impatient

Blurt out inappropriate comments, show their emotions without restraint, and act without regard for consequences

Have difficulty waiting for things they want or waiting their turn in games

Often interrupt conversations or others' activities

Okay, so maybe he leans a lot heavier into hyperactive type, but, I mean. Watch him doing stuff, especially in 3 and 4 --- he’s definitely very easily distracted, doesn’t seem to listen a lot, and focus is only kept when he’s really interested in something, otherwise he super ignores it. And details? Ha! What are those, he just jumps in and does things.

As for the hyperactive symptoms, I don’t think I need to point out many specific instances, it’s...we all see it. He’s constantly running his mouth, constantly in motion, constantly moving, playing with things, bouncing on his feet, fidgeting, fighting, moving a lot as he fights...I mean look at him playing with every single new toy he gets immediately, and especially look at him with Cerberus. He’s loud, he’s present, he’s very impatient --- we see that a lot in 3 re: puzzles and locks --- and honestly he’s very good at interrupting people. Not to mention that thing about saying inappropriate things, and being unable to restrain emotions or actions? Definitely Dante, demonstrably so.

Other symptoms Dante definitely has --- and this is speaking as me, an ADHD person, who sees a lot of my bullshit in Dante --- are:

MOTIVATION ISSUES (don’t @ me Vergil): Look at this guy, he can’t or won’t do anything that doesn’t click into his interests (and even then!!) unless he gets pushed or bullied or bribed into it. He needs to be given a significant and heavy reason to get up and do shit, otherwise he’ll just sit around or blow it off and claim pickiness. And sure, he is picky --- because specific criteria on What Will Interest Him is another ADHD thing!! --- but man, even then, you can see in the anime he has to be pushed out the door to get shit done sometimes. This is clearly contributing to his broke situation. And when he’s Depressed it’s worse, look at the state of his office in 5!!

REJECTION SENSITIVE DYSPHORIA: Now this one isn’t quite as obvious, because he’s REALLY GOOD at pretending he’s fine, but he really does not cope well with being yelled at/rejection/being pushed away by people, especially people he likes. That’s a mood. This was worse by far when he was a kid, and is part of why he’s such a pushover and can easily be bullied into doing things for people he likes or people he wants to like him. He doesn’t want to be rejected or criticized, so time to do what they want me to! No problem, no argument!

SLEEP PROBLEMS: Either he is like LOOK MA NO SLEEP I CAN DO THIS ALL WEEK or he’s sleeping constantly and looking like Rip Van fucking Winkle. Now this does overlap with the depression, but ADHD internal clocks are borked to hell and back, too, so his sleep schedule and how much/little he sleeps is just. What even. How. 

TIME PROBLEMS: Either something is Now or it is Not Now and if it is Not Now it is not worth caring about or worrying about.

IMPULSE CONTROL: As mentioned above, but with the added problem of “what is delayed gratification I don’t know her”, and needing rewards for what he’s doing Now Please Thanks.

DECISION MAKING: When confronted with difficult decisions, either you a) freeze because AAHHHH TOO MUCH or b) just Do Something because panic without thinking. Also what the FUCK is a plan, there are no plans, plans don’t exist.

BOREDOM IS EVIL: No being bored, ever, oh god, nope, fuck that cannot be bored boredom is the devil and causes BAD BAD THINGS. Must always be doing things, needs entertainment, needs stimulation or will quickly devolve into a lump on the couch. If thing is boring, will NOT do it, nope, fuck that.

CHILDLIKE BEHAVIOR: Like whew. I mean. Local 42yo man acts like a 10yo boy pretending to be an 80s action hero like in the movies, constantly, as if he thinks that mimicking that is how Adults Are. And just, generally acting like an enormous child.

WEIRD KID: Just...generally coming off as weird or different or Outside The Norm, not good with normal human social cues and responses to things, acts weird and like an outcast and doesn’t seem to quite fit in with normal people.

FIXATIONS: Pizza pizza pizza NEVER GET BORED OF PIZZA I COULD EAT PIZZA EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE also sundaes. 

MUSIC...GOOD: This is more subjective, but Dante’s thing with music strikes me as a thing mostly because I am that person who NEEDS TO BE LISTENING TO MUSIC ALL THE TIME HOLY SHIT, I CANNOT STAND IF THERE IS NO BACKGROUND NOISE TO MY LIFE. I get so antsy I want to jump off a cliff when there’s no background noise/music in the car and I Need music on to do anything; but at the same time I can’t listen to podcasts or videos because music I just tune out and it’s There, Good, Wonderful, but if it’s something to concentrate on with Words To Understand, it is BAD and it needs Full Focus or I Don’t Hear SHIT. So, yeah, that too.

NON SEQUITURS EVERYWHERE: You know that THING where topic A comes up and in your head you jump ahead five things in a way only you understand, and then you speak up and bring up topic F out of nowhere because YOU got to it in your head but everyone else is like what the fuck, so you kinda shut up or laugh it off? Yeah. Also that other feel when you’re still on topic B but the rest of the group went on to topic C or D and you’re internally screaming because NO I STILL HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY GET BACK HERE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS VOLUME CONTROL THIS IS MY NORMAL SPEAKING VOICE I’M NOT SHOUTING????: Self explanatory.

BAD AT HEARING THINGS: Needs VERY specific instructions, but also things need repeating a lot because he’s quick to accidentally tune stuff out.

READING: Trouble reading LONG blocks of text. Magazines Good, short articles Good.

Local Man Laughs At Own Jokes, WHAT THEY’RE FUNNY

MALADAPTIVE DAYDREAMING: He did this more as a kid, but it still applies; local child looks like he’s just kind of vibrating quietly but otherwise paying attention? NOPE he’s having an epic adventure in his head and is not listening to a word. Vergil will tell him later if it’s important.

THE LEG BOUNCE: Speaking of, he CANNOT SIT STILL. He’s at the MINIMUM rocking in his seat or bouncing his foot or tapping his fingers, sometimes as chords to a guitar but other times just taptaptap.

Stopping What Is Stopping, or alternatively, HOW TO START EVEN IDK.

Getting/being increasingly SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE but just sitting there with a smile while internally going AAAAAAAAAAAAA in increasing volume, because you have no idea how to disengage.

Things not immediately in view or immediately important Cease To Exist Entirely.

Related, visual exhaustion aka I HAVE LIVED WITH THIS MESS SO LONG THAT THE MESS IS BACKGROUND NOISE AND DOES NOT EXIST TO ME, I NO LONGER SEE IT, IT IS SCENERY.

Is the only member of this family who can drink caffeine, ADHD cancels the effect out.

Actually Pretty Goddamn Smart, but the disconnect of not having any education after 5th grade and that GOOD GOOD RSD thanks to bitchy clients kicked in and he internalized that he’s dumb now oops, might as well not try. See Also That Good Good RSD RE: bitchy dates, guess he’s just A Terrible Date, whoops, gonna just Not do that anymore. Basically if enough people give him shit about a thing, guess he’s just NOT gonna do that thing anymore!! Yep!!!

Bad at doing things The Proper Way, procedures and rules and bureaucracy are BORING GOTTA GET STUFF DONE NOW MY WAY. Never showed his work in math ever. 

Actually really smart, but got in trouble a lot for lack of visibly paying attention, being unable to sit still in class, and not following instructions. He could do the work and do it right, with or without listening to the lecture, but because he did it on his own terms and by his own rules, even if he got the right answer, he got in trouble. RSD convinced him later in life he was an idiot, but he still is really good at out of the box thinking and figuring shit out with limited information.

Gets Frustrated, Stops Doing Thing (or IMPULSIVITY ACTIVATE FORM OF DOING STUPID SHIT TO GET THING DONE)

Bad habit of WORRY when understimulated, also tendency towards insecurity, this is made WORSE x100 by his PTSD. Not to mention a bit of chronic low self esteem because of most of the above.

Low self esteem feeds into really bad self-awareness; he really doesn’t quite understand or process the effects he has on people, for good or ill.

ADDICTIVE!! BEHAVIOR!!! (see: The Booze)

Stopping this here because a) you get my point by now and b) I’M going full ADHD on fixating on this post so I’m cutting myself off here. Anyway, yeah. There’s this.

#;hc: dante (og)