#this kind of anxiety and self doubt could lead to psychosis so I actually gotta keep it in check all the fucking time

[bugdogg]

It’s late enough, I remember mentioning here that I was doing a gender assessment and I finished it and decided to do nothing. Not taking testosterone or anything just came out thinking “I’ll buy a packer or something, maybe a binder too and see”

Warning ig for talking about my feelings on my sex and my whole struggle with it and some anxiety issues too ech, idk if people find that gross or annoying but warning anyway

Ik I don’t wanna be a girl fully but I like having tits and I’m not unhappy with a pussy but I’m maybe 90% sure I want a dick more. I don’t want to lose my pussy because then I’d feel like I’d have to do anal(??) like it isn’t mandatory but I’d like to keep my vaginal opening (this sounds gross but that’s like the actual term for it ig).

So then i considered no surgery just testosterone to hope my clitoris would enlarge (is that the word I think idk). But then I learned about all the effects and decided no thanks, I don’t wanna look too masculine but I want a dick, like I feel like that seems more correct to me, it’s what I feel like I’m supposed to have. I also considered a metoidioplasty (if that’s correct, I wrote it down hope it’s right) but I never fully asked about it and became nervous to talk anymore with the doctor.

And whenever I say this stuff i second guess myself, like no you don’t know that you’re just doing this cause it’s a big thing rn or like it’s a fetish. And Ik that’s untrue Ik I’ve felt like this since I was 12 but i have the kind of anxiety that makes me doubt myself to the point of asking others for what they think is best for me but gender doesn’t work that way, no one decides this but me. The assessment freaked me out because when she asked me why I wanted this I didn’t know how to say it was CAUSE I KNEW ITS WHAT I WANTED, THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN IS TELLING ME SOME PART IS SAYING THAT. But I had to be convincing and now I’m back to second guessing, “maybe you were wrong, you’re probably just confused, you’ve-“ Ik this is all stuff people say to other trans people, especially people my age. I know the shit I tell myself is rooted in that transphobic bullshit but I somehow always think I must be stupid, “yea those people know what they want but you don’t”

I know I want this and I want to stop arguing with myself, I want to at least feel confident in this. I don’t know how I even managed to doubt myself this bad but im typing it now so it can shut the fuck up.

I know im not a girl, I know I don’t have to be anything to prove that, I can dress however I want and enjoy whatever I want, it wouldn’t define my gender or my sexuality or any of it. I don’t have to change my sex if I don’t want to, I don’t have to keep it like this either. If I want to poke fun at my gender than I can it’s my identity I can be silly with it I can be fun with it, it isn’t that serious. And last thing which I find kind of embarrassing but I’m fucking typing anyway, I can call my clit a dick if I want to, it’s fine it’s my body, I can call it what i want

BYE

(Also idk what I consider myself gender label wise, I just focus on my pronouns and what I want physically. Idk if that makes sense idk)

#wow u really have to reassure yourself of all this? #YEAAAA #hell I have to reassure myself people actually like me #I never like telling people about my anxiety because it’s ridiculous but if u read this now u know a thing about me #many things ig #also according to a therapist I had a bit ago #this kind of anxiety and self doubt could lead to psychosis so I actually gotta keep it in check all the fucking time #annoying but I’ve been managing better than when I was younger #OK NO MORE RANTING #I’m actually happy I enjoyed my day and my night #I’m in a good headspace which is a good time to write this #I hope anyone who reads this has a great day/night!! #and thank u for reading if u did<3