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awakenmydisillusion · 5 years

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April 1st 2018

Long, personal post ahead. Please read at your own discretion: I wanted to wait until after all of the April Fools stuff was done to post this. I've taken the last week to reflect on the past year of my life, what I've accomplished, what I've been through, what I've become. Through that reflection I came to realize that the past year was the most difficult year I've experienced so far. Some of you know why, most of you don't, and although I could keep everything to myself as I usually do, for complete closure on this chapter in my life, I feel like I need to share this piece of myself with all of you. April 1st 2018 was the hardest day of my life, I think. It was the culmination of weeks of packing, crying, breakdowns, and mental anguish. It was the end of huge piece of my life and a day that I had been wishing would never come. It was the day I was moving out of my, now, ex's house. A house I had shared with this person for 3 years. A person I had loved for almost 5. The breakup itself came out of nowhere. I was blindsided. After almost 5 years of sharing a life together I was given nothing but an, “I just don't think we work together anymore. I think it's time you move out.” So after a month of fluctuating between feeling everything at once and feeling nothing at all, I began packing up 3 years worth of my life. I told my parents about the breakup, and they were okay with it. They never really got along with this person, but they made me happy so they dealt with them. They said I could move back in with them, but I said I wanted to look at apartments. I'd up my hours at work, I'd get a place in Hartford, I'd be fine. So I stayed up at night, unable to sleep, looking at apartment listings, not really caring where I ended up, falling further and further into my depression. Then one night in early March, on my 3rd day of not sleeping, I texted my mom an apartment listing I found. She texted me back saying absolutely not. To please move back in with them. The apartment was in a bad section. Asked if I was crazy and if I wanted to die. And that's when it all hit me… Did I want to die?... Is that was this feeling was that I couldn't seem to put my finger on? This inexplicable ache that seemed to have settled in my bones the moment everything started to fall apart? Had I given up? Did I really want to die? See I'd always considered myself a strong person. A resilient person. A person that sees things through til the end, no matter what. But a person can only take so much, even when they're strong. Even when they're resilient. And at that point in my life, all I could think was that I failed. My relationship was over. I was alone. I was moving back in with my parents. What did I have to live for? So let's go back to April 1st 2018. My car was packed, I drove away from the place I had called home for the past 3 years, I started to drive towards my parents house, and I couldn't stop crying. That desire to make the pain stop still hadn't gone away, and the only thing that kept playing in my mind was I failed. I failed. I got onto the highway and it was like something else took over. I could feel the wheel turning in my hand, wanting to turn into the opposite lane of oncoming traffic or off the highway entirely. I could feel it, the desire to just stop the pain all together. But as much as I could feel that, I could feel something equally as strong pulling me back. So before I could make a decision that would affect my life in the most literal sense possible, I pulled over to the side of the highway. I stayed there for a few minutes and cried, tried to pull myself together and talk myself through things. Once my head cleared enough for me to think about something other than how much pain I was in, I made myself a promise. I promised myself that if I could pull myself together enough to make it back to my house, that I could make it through anything. I promised myself that if I could make it through this year, that come April 1st 2019, I would wake up, and I wouldn't be in pain anymore. Then I scraped together any strength I had left, and drove the rest of the way back to my parent's house. This year has been a journey for me. One that has forced me to learn a lot about myself. Here are a few things that I have learned/that I keep telling myself/that this year has brought me: A newfound love of anime thanks to my brother who taught me you're never too old to be a weeb A newfound love of Kpop also thanks to my brother. BTS 💜 The knowledge that it’s ok to set out to try something new, and it's also okay if that something new doesn't work out for you. It's okay if you don't have everything figured out. No one does. You have to take things one day at a time. Otherwise everything is just too much. You have to enjoy the little things while they're happening. They'll give you something to look back on when you start to feel sad again. Maybe it's ok to be not okay? Maybe it's ok to not have your whole life put together yet. Maybe it's ok to have to start all over again in your mid twenties even though everyone else seems to have their whole lives figured out. Because….this is my life. And…. Maybe I should stop comparing it to other people's...because my perfect...will never be their perfect. Stop. Being. So. Scared. To. Try. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. This year was also a journey that I could not have gone on alone. So while this was a rather depressing post, this is also a way for me to thank the people that mean the most to me in my life. The people that have helped me the most in this past year. Because if the breakup gave me anything, it was a way to reconcile a relationship with my family that hadn't been doing well for years. And since I seem to do better in writing than I do in words…here we go. Thank you, to my sister that doesn't say much, but always seems to know exactly what to say. Who I can always count on for an honest opinion on anything, no matter what. Thank you, to my brother who never fails to make me smile. I never could have made it through this year without you. You may not know it, but sometimes you making me laugh was the only thing that kept me going. Thank you for taking my mind off things with endless hours of anime and letting me into your world of weebdom. I hope we get to see Japan together someday and I get to drag you along to see South Korea with me. Thank you, to my dad. Who stayed up to pick me up from work because he didn't want me driving home in a snowstorm. Who, when I popped my tire driving home on the highway, made sure I woke up to new tires on my car so I wouldn't have to worry about getting new ones. Who always cleans the snow off my car so I'm never late to work. Who takes time off work to drive me to doctors appointments. Who makes me laugh with his obscure 80s references. Who makes me cringe when he asks me to look up a certain song because I know I'll never find it. Thank you for taking me back in when I was broken. Thank you for loving me. Thank you, to my mom. Who I woke up crying when I got into the car accident and made walk outside at 1 in the morning to look at my car. Who didn't even flinch when the doctors gave me the same diagnosis of brain disease that you have. Who has been with me through all my MRI/CT scan/hospital/doctor appointments since. Who makes sure I eat even though I'm on medication that makes me not want to. Who didn't say I was stupid when I said maybe I want to go teach English in South Korea when I feel better. Who didn't judge me when I said I like Kpop and BTS. Who now likes BTS more than I do. Who had 2 desktop computers, 2 laptops, an ipad, and 2 phones open to help me get BTS tickets when they went on sale. Who screamed with me when I got amazing tickets to the BTS concert because you said screw it and called the venue. Who gave me all BTS stuff for Christmas and made it the best Christmas I've had in 4 years. Thank you for taking me back in when I was broken. Thank you for loving me. I love you guys and I wouldn't have made it through this year without you. To my Target family. There's too many of you to name you all individually. This job, I know most of us hate it, me included, has brought me a lot of grief. And I know things will be changing soon for a lot of us. Just know that suffering through all the crap we deal with on a daily basis is only made worthwhile because of all of you. I've worked several other jobs while still working here, and there is just something about all of you crazies that makes you feel like family. I love that I can be myself around you, for better or worse, and be accepted. We're all bent, some of us a little broken, but still good, yeah, still good. I've also found my best friends in the most unlikely of people by working here. Two of which helped me through this year so much. H, you always checked in on me even when you were going through it yourself. You always let me talk things out whenever I needed to and never judged me for any of it. You're a true friend and I will always love you for that. 💚 Faithie. I'm sorry I've been distant this week. I needed time to be in my own head and process things. I don't know if I have words for what your friendship means to me, My crazy Kpop companion. You've seen me at some of my darkest times, but you didn't know about this side of me. Now you do, and hopefully you'll still like me just the same. You've been an amazing friend and I couldn't have made it through this year without you.💜💜 Now we are back to the present. And the last thing I want to leave you with is a message. One of hope. One that comes from someone who has been where you have been and felt what you have felt. Because I know that there are people out there right now that are suffering. That are hurting. That can't see past anything but the situation that is right in front of them at this current moment. And to them, I say this: Please don't make a permanent decision for your temporary problem. It. Will. Get. Better. Please try to find it within yourself to carry on. Please try to find the strength within yourself to live for another day, even though I know your own heartbeat feels like a burden to you. I know….I know. Please find a support system. If you don't have one like mine, please seek out a professional. There is nothing wrong with getting help. But most importantly, Please just don't give up. Because a year ago today, I made myself a promise that my life would be better. And a year later, I woke up… Happy….and spent the day laughing with my family. 💜

#depression

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