#there are scary awful horrible horrible times of course. but you have autonomy and there's always options

[hella1975]

hey I have life advice to ask and if it's not cool then just go ahead and delete this-

I'm gonna be 17 soon and I was pulled out of school due to stuff I couldn't really control, so I dont really have a college/university to expect in about 2 years ish if I cant pull through out of my depression/anxiety and take the GED tests (american testing, its like a substitute for a highschool diploma, which is.... shit idk the differences to england but either way if I cant study and complete 4 giant tests, colleges/universities wont be available to me. I think.). I really could just move about anywhere I'm able to, and there's this place that I really, really love. I've done everything I can to know about it besides GOING there, because it is incredibly far away from my home. Really fucking far. It's been smth of an idea of mine I've held on to a year, like all the towns and places I dive into I just keep coming back to that spot. It feels like the one, like I can't really see myself growing old because of my depression but I can SEE it there, and I've never felt that.

The thing is I know from a few older mutuals of mine (and just other adults in gen) that things can change and while you might go to uni/college for [X Thing] you'll come out with something else you found so you'll now have [Y Thing]. like what you're expecting or want is going to change as you learn more or delve into it. I don't know how much I should take that to heart really? There's this fear that's been placed into me that I can't actually think for myself if I'm always going to be changing. I'm so confident about this rn but what about later? Sorry if this freaks you out too JFNSJMW like we're about 2-3 years apart but it just feels like so MUCH, I wanted your advice since you've got the uni experience I might miss out on

(My family is fine really like they're not going to kick me out or anything, they've just got other problems ig that I'd like to escape from because a lot of what they do has me just.. stuck with myself. It sucks being a teenager because I'm just in the middle of it all)

hi anonstie! sorry for the slow reply to this, i hope im not too late to any decision making. thank you so much for trusting me with this, it's a really scary situation for any teenager deciding on something that seems so defining, let alone with mental illness factors and possible family pressures. trust me I GET THAT. so everything i say is my opinion very tainted by my own bias and personal experiences, but you know that and asked me anyway so im gonna assume we're clear on that okay:

so as someone who not only has the uni experience but overall LOVES uni like could not have picked a better option i love my uni life i love my friends i love my independence so much that i stick doing a subject i HATE bc i love my life here so much - coming from someone in that position, you want to know what i think? if you're not sure about going to uni and genuinely think you'd be happier elsewhere, do not go. im being so serious. university is a challenge, and people know that, but you have to take what you think it's gonna be like and double how hard it really is. it's a fucking culture shock and a half and even those who settle in well (i like to think i did) still have trouble finding their feet, and it's fucking scary. you have to have a level of certainty to manage it. idk maybe im being too extreme here but ive seen so many people who regret uni and are the loneliest they've ever been, and if you already have mental illness weighing on you that's not a boat you want to be in even if you might not end up like that.

the option does not vanish just because you didn't do it at the 'correct' age. i can see ur stress around the exams and while i know fuck all about american education, i refuse to believe there's no ways around it or ways to redo at a later time, or even if you do just wind up with not very good qualifications, somewhere will take you. i was convinced that if i didnt get out of my hometwon at 18 with the natural progression in academia then i would be stuck there forever, and part of me still believes that no matter how silly it is, which is why i outright refuse to drop my subject even on the days when it eats me alive, because i think if i drop out i'll get stuck in my hometown. uni was an escape for me and that's one of the reasons i love it so much. but over time, while it still lingers i wont pretend it doesnt, ive realised how wrong that mindset is. there's so many types of people at university. some people come onto campus with their children. some people are middle-aged. some people just did a gap year. my own flatmate is a second year uni student just like us but she's a year older bc she dropped out of first year bc of covid and reapplied. uni made me realise how common MESSINESS is. i hardly know anyone who got here on the really straight and narrow route, and maybe that's just part of being the covid cohort who knows but there's not a 'correct' way of doing things.

idk i think school is very rigid UNTIL you reach eighteen, and bc the universe is such a bitch you only realise how fluid everything gets post-eighteen ONCE YOUVE MADE THE DECISIONS.

so yeah, if you want to know what i think? chase that place that's calling to you. worst case scenario is it lets you down but you finally scratch the itch; that alone is something to live for. if you ever change your mind, university and that path isn't going anywhere. there's always so much choice, we just sometimes box ourselves in until it feels like there isnt

#i feel for you genuinely you couldnt pay me any money in the world to be 18 and scared again #it's truly fucked how little guidance we get just to turn a corner and realise everything truly is fine #like geniunely things work themselves out and adulthood teaches you that #there are scary awful horrible horrible times of course. but you have autonomy and there's always options #it's not as overwhelming anymore #ask

[payphoneangel]

HEHEHE 4 & 5 for Sam, 9 & 10 for Dean, and 14, 15, & 18 for Cas >:3c

Send me a character + a number and I’ll tell you my headcanons for them

DOHOHOHOH OKAY HELL YEAH

Sam (given the nature of these two i'm gonna b a little horny abt it lol) 4) Best places to kiss on their body: uhhhh first and foremost his cute lil pointy nose!! give that bad boy a hearty ~chu~ But if the kisser wants to really feel how they're affecting him I would say go along the jawline. He carries a lot of tension in his jaw and it would be fun to feel how that tension lessens/intensifies by being smooched. (Spicy version) I think starting at the hip and kissing down the V of his abdomen would be fun for all parties involved. 5) Guilty pleasures: Now this one is very fun bc has his whole obsession with purity and being 'clean' so there's a lot of things he doesn't allow himself to do. I def think one of his guilty pleasures is that he likes Chick fil a. He knows they're a super shitty homophobic corporation and he KNOWS he shouldn't support them AND a lot of the food on the menu is 'unhealthy' and something he can't eat bc of [insert w/e diet he's on this week] but he loves it. OH, how he loves it. It's his comfort food. He likes their special sauce and even when he tries to make it himself it never quite tastes right so he will occasionally buy food from there and then feel awful about it for like 3 days afterward. (Spicy version (warning for mentions of SA)) Ok so I think Sam has a lot of weird hangups about sex. Particularly, he feels weird about subbing. I do think he enjoys it, but where the guilt comes in is that he doesn't feel like he should enjoy it because of the ways in which his bodily autonomy has been jeopardized. It feels very strange to him to derive pleasure from a situation that resembles a context in which the circumstances were very dire for him. I think it's scary for him to give up that sense of control, but even scarier that he actually enjoys it. Since Sam has been known to diminish and trivialize his own trauma, I think subbing might make him slip into a spiral about if he 'actually was assaulted' bc if he enjoys it here how bad were the times when he was forced to submit to someone? I think he has a lot of trouble acknowledging himself as a victim, and I think enjoying subbing would make him think himself a """bad victim""" if he doesn't actively work to get out of that mindset. Because of that, I don't think he subs often, and only with someone he really really trusts, but I think he does really enjoy it and can even derive some catharsis from it.

Dean 9) Humiliating memories: ooooooooh ok now this one is a little tough bc Dean is constantly tormented by The Shame so it's hard to pick out a specific instance where he was definitely humiliated buuuuuut in my personal headcanon one of the most impactful times is his first solo hunt. More specifically, the situation leading up to Dean's first hunt. I mention it here, but essentially, John catches on to Dean having feelings for another boy, which scares the hell out of Dean. After disappearing for a few days (leaving Dean alone and sick to his stomach with anxiety for John's total lack of a reaction) he comes back to the motel, picks Dean up, and tells him to go do a salt and burn of two dead gay nuns. He does, but also internalizes the message John is sending: this is what happens to people like you. John picks him up afterward and never directly says what he's referring to, but tells Dean, "you need to be careful and not be selfish. Your stupid decisions could get you or even Sammy hurt." That, of course, makes Dean feel so astoundingly horrible, he can barely respond. It's why I am in the camp of 'Dean is painfully aware of his attraction to men, but rarely acts on it/never vocalizes it.' bc ^this memory, coupled with the homophobia of the 90's/00's makes Dean very wary of how he carries himself and the kind of """negative attention""" he wants to could attract, and how that could endanger himself/other people around him. 10) Fears/phobias: ok this could couple nicely with the thing i just talked about above but instead I'm going to go in an entirely different direction: DEAN IS (or should be) SCARED OF DOGS. It's honestly pretty wild to me that this really isn't touched on in canon. One of his most significant/narratively impactful deaths is when he was mauled by Hellhounds, and consequently dragged to Hell for 40 years. Canon like, farts in this direction sorta in s6 but it's really not talked about. Homeboy got sliced and diced by dogs!!! He should have some residual stuff about that!! Also I think it would be a point of contention between himself and Sam, Known Dog Lover. It's also why i'm team 'fuck that dog' from the finale. Although, it could be cathartic for him to have an esa/therapy animal be a dog, to rebuild trust.

Castiel 14) Ingrained habits/forces of habit: this one is SO fun for him bc there's so many possibilities with him being an angel. I think this manifests a lot as physical ticks/quirks from being an angel in a human vessel. I think a 'force of habit' of his is literally breathing. He really only needs to breathe in order to talk, but I think in early seasons he catches himself doing it all the time, as a leftover instinct from his human vessel. Later, he catches himself mirroring Dean's, Sam's and other people's breathing as he starts growing closer to humanity, before eventually just adopting breathing all the time. I think it also takes him a long time when he's human to get used to moving at a human speed. If he realizes he needs to go somewhere, his first thought is to fly, and he often has this moment of "why am I not there yet?" before realizing he needs to physically move his human body 🙄🙄🙄 I also think it would be really fun if, especially after first obtaining a vessel, he often speaks quietly because he is used to overwhelming humans with his True Voice. 15) What it takes to make them cry: 🤔🤔🤔 I think Cas is like, a medium-frequency crier (order of most to least likely to cry imo is Dean, Cas, Sam). I think he IS a happy crier and that's what most often causes him to cry; being overwhelmed by positive emotions (i.e. love for his family). I don't think he's normally an angry crier but I do think that when Jack died he should have 1) gone completely silent and stone faced 2) leveled like an entire forest in grief-induced rage and 3) broken down in full on heaving sobs in the middle of all the destruction. 18)Things they’ll never admit: OUGH THIS ONE IS SO JUICY FOR HIM. SO SO JUICY. This one stumped me a bit at first because Cas is a very honest person who normally speaks his mind. He's also pretty self aware. BUT the thing that Cas will never admit is that he kind of revels in being The Universe's Greatest Fool. Like, he's the Angel that Fell in Every Way Imaginable!! He betrayed all his kin and fucked up The Father's Great Narrative, all because he fell in love with a stupid human!! A Bug, Even!!! A BUG WHO DOESN'T LOVE HIM BACK (he does, but, well, see above). And he does it, over and over and over again. He always chooses humanity; he always chooses Dean. The thing is, there's a part of him that feels really comfortable in that idea of ceaseless devotion without acknowledgement; without reciprocity. Of course, it's familiar, but on top of that, I think there's a part of him that still houses guilt for going against his programming. We know he was lobotomized countless times; certainly there's residual feelings about straying from his designed path? And I think it's easier, in a way, to wallow in this self-pity, then to actually attempt to vocalize his wants and ask for what he needs. So, essentially, he fell and he feels like he needs to be punished, and the best possible punishment is for his one true desire to be something he can never obtain, because he doesn't deserve to have what he wants. Anything else feels foreign.

#vinny answers #that was fun #shit got heavy but like. this is a drama tv show so #also to anybody reading this please lmk if you want me to tag certain triggers

[selfcreatedinsanity]

I remember it all

I remember it all

well not all of it... there is a lot I do not remember

but I remember enough

and vividly... too vividly

insofar when I remember I want to tear my heart out

blaming it for being the culprit

but apparently it is not my heart

apparently it is my brain tricking me

I remember it all

but not quite

three months of suffering believing that I was worthless

genuinely wishing for death

seeking death

and feeling awful (in theory) that I could not feel bad for hurting those who love me

feeling terrified (in theory) that my numbness is not depression but in fact proof that I am a horrible person and do not care about anyone

sitting on the toilet, scrolling for as long as possible, sick to my stomach realizing that I have to live with myself my entire life

sick to my stomach that myself would like to make that entire life short

i remember it all

but not quite

or what I do remember is distorted from my skewed sense of reality

i remember feeling euphoric

feeling so good I could almost laugh at my old self for crying and wanting to die just because thinking of the work it takes to get ready in the morning is too much for one day

despite that being me less than a month ago

I felt so foolish

how was i even struggling? life is so easy and beautiful. you just wake up excited for each day and do every activity you can think of and realize you have more energy and best utilize it while you can what if one day you feel like that loser from a month ago again

but suddenly the sun on my skin is actually the eyes of concerned strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family

suddenly everyone is talking behind my back to each other about how to cope with me and if they should call an ambulance on me

i dont understand

just a month ago for three months i wanted to die

i wanted to die every day

almost every moment was filled with all of the reasons I needed to leave this life and each moment i spent immobilized by it i had even more ammo against myself

I spent hour after hour scouring the internet for ways to die

painfully hating myself for not being strong enough to do it

i am happy to be alive now. i am excited. i am scared.

I do not understand what I am doing wrong. Everything feels ok. I felt so awful before please please do not take me away now just when life is feeling good

no you don't understand

you see when I was on the way to the hospital january 2023

you see I knew I had wanted to die for quite some time then

long enough it did not feel like a big deal

and long enough that the shocked faces of my loved ones when they confirmed that barely even stabbed me in the gut

or it did but i did not feel it then

i do now

all the time

but you see i had fears when i was going to the hospital

one being i am not even truly that depressed this is just a lie i am wasting resources

not realizing the sweet irony of how that entire sentence could basically get you diagnosed

but while i stood there in front of my mom, dad, and sister - who would do anything for me

(my brother as well but he is far away you see)

I told them that I am scared

I do not want to lose my autonomy

I do not want to lose my freedom

I have learned enough things in my humanities courses to know the pscyh ward is a scary place to be even when it is the right spot to be

and my visit ended up ok

it was odd and scary but it was ok

but you see the scary part was when I was in there when I was manic as opposed to depressed

at the time no one really would update me or tell me what was going on

I know I was not very receptive at the time but I sure would have been less scared if people talked to me before giving me meds that if I refuse I get them injected to me instead

I am not an aggressive person

even in my most scary moment of life so far I was not that aggressive

you see

being in there gets at you

I knew i was viewed as crazy, I knew I was missing seeing some of my crazy, but I also knew they were seeing more crazy than there was

and I think the part that hurts me most is

either way why could I not be treated like a human?

I just had too much and I was so sick of taking medication I did not even understand and having psychiatrists looking at me, barely asking me anything or interacting with me, and form threeing me

and so I refused my medication

and so a dainty upstairs nurse entered the psych ward with her needle and three security guards

and even though I had truly lost my mind in this moment (my bet for at fault/contributors is 3% me, 47% mania, and 50% that fucking hell hole)

I still somehow knew to say - while yelling in ways I did not even know possible

I am not going to hurt you I am not going to hurt you

I said to the protected nurse with the needle - the psych ward princess

but I am going to bash my fucking head into this floor if that needle comes anywhere near me

I proclaimed as I laid on the floor, terrified because I felt again I had no control over my legs - something while possibly an impact from mental distress still would have been cool to talk to a doctor about

as the special bed with railings rolled up to me

so that I could be strapped down

but I complied once I was on the bed

and I got my needle and was so very kind and sweet to the psych ward princess

and while I stayed in my room, locked away, while everyone waited for the meds to kick in, hoping I would just fall asleep and leave them the fuck alone for a while

I felt even more rage

seeing how a place can drive you crazy and they strap you down for it

that my word had no power and I had to wait for others to decide that I was ok

that I was not even a contributing voice on the council of my fucking life - even if not majority vote... are you fucking serious?

so I could not breathe

so I rammed my body against the window over and over and over

knowing it would not break but I do not care

I do not feel

I just need out

there is no logic

there is no logic here

everyone here has no logic why the fuck is only my voice deemed illogical

and i punched the window

and i still could not breathe

and i was pounding on the door

and no one would open it

so i pressed the help button in the bathroom even though I knew they were all watching me from the security camera like it was a damn movie

and was met with a nurse

i said i need medical assistance

she said you did that yourself

i said you seriously think i wanted to do that? you seriously think I did that on purpose ?

but I am not talking about that I am talking about the injuries and concerns I have had about my legs since getting here... not the self inflicted ones deemed unimportant/deserved

what even is the fucking point of showing my humanity to them

it will not remain

so now here I am

you see

I remember it all

but not quite

but everything I do remember tears me apart

and destroys any sense of self or instinct or trust in intuition i have rebuilt

all while living in a world i have simultaneously lost hope in and found the true beauty of

i have to rebuild myself

but never get too comfortable

if i feel good i better make sure i do not feel too good

but how will i ever know

because when i am worthless it is my truth

and when i feel as light as a goddess must it is also my truth

and when i am screaming on the hospital floor it is also my truth

it is all my truth

and it breaks my heart

and it breaks my heart that it breaks the heart of my loved ones

i remember it all

you see

i really wish i did not

[mistralrunner]

Running Reads Oathbringer: Part II.III

Spoilers for pages 410-480 below. Also some Mistborn spoilers cause of a couple Cosmere thoughts.

"No good can come of two Shards settling in one location."

*looks at Ruin and Preservation*

Okay it was a bit dire there for a while but they really fit together.

And what about worlds with three Shards?

Does this mean this Shard isn't Cultivation then?

Maybe Autonomy? 

I'm glad Jasnah has some healthy paranoia

Good Jasnah, ensuring Shallan is actually involved in the meeting

Ah yes now we get into discussions of the Parshmen

Yay Kaladin for defending them.

War only fuels Odium after all

"Maybe that should make you reconsider those other wars, rather than using them to justify this one."

Ooooh

You go Kaladin

I am worried though, cause the Voidspren definitely have experience with manipulating negotiations and I think even one of the Listener songs referred to it

The Parshmen do not deserve this

There has to be another way

Kholinar being a dark spot is really concerning. Like how does that happen magically?

Heh a strike squad infiltrating a possibly occupied city

This is going to be fun

I wonder who the three men in Kaladin's strike squad will be

(or maybe we could bring in Lyn so it's not all dudes in a strike squad just saying)

(I know she actually has to learn to Invest first but I can dream)

Jasnah has a point about the long term

The danger of different orders is the conflict. The value is that they can focus on different aspects of the war

BAHAHAHAHA I love Jasnah's plan just for the sheer audacity of it

But I agree with Dalinar, locating's good, killing less certain

I'm kind of sad that the only interaction between my faves has been antagonistic

Jasnah you are admittedly overlooking the point that war fuels Odium. Killing Parshmen will make them more your enemy and only lead to more war.

I'm definitely not opposed to Windrunner scouts though

Jasnah had better cuddle some skyeels

I can’t believe this is a sentence I wrote. What is this book.

Ugh no please no love triangle Shallan stop doodling Kaladin also seriously you had one job

I'm with Jasnah on this. Shallan has accomplished a lot but she's settling on her laurels when she needs to grow in a lot of ways.

Shallan you are Veil

Shallan the secrets will blow up in your face and likely hurt others

Aww Jasnah's including Renarin

Well Shallan I'm glad you delegated investigating Shadesmar in this room to Jasnah, your judgement isn't entirely horrible

I do relate to some degree to that uncertain adulthood thing, but Shallan really is not on a great path right now

Helaran was of the Skybreakers ooo

But didn't have a real Shardblade?

Uli Da? Ooo who is she.

Oh hey exposition on the factions

It is kind of cool how there secretly have been Radiants of one order this whole time

Oh, that's why Shallan's mother...she was close to a Skybreakers acolytes

Someone else in Amaram's army bonded a spren and was eliminated?

If it was Tien...

Heh this letter deserves further investigation cause Pattern is right, this is half truths

This Veil thing is getting seriously concerning. I mean I understand the value of having an escape and sides to yourself that others don't know and secrets that are nice to keep to oneself but this is getting a bit deep.

Also I feel like encouraging disparaging yourself among your employees isn't a good idea

Heh it's the opposite of that undercover boss skit

"I heard that Shallan has a six pack"

I mean it is good to learn from them but I don't think that is Shallan's intent

What happened to the scholar?

Well Gaz, that's a light way of putting, I tried to kill Kaladin on his very first day and was awful to all of them

Shallan do listen to them. Be a leader and give your soldiers purpose.

Also what happened to those slaves you took Shallan. Did you just leave them behind. Seriously you should have freed them from the start.

Oh dear this Ghostbloods fangirl is going to be a problem

Heh if someone asks Shallan to start investigating Veil the Ghostblood’s spy as Adolin is investigating Sadeas's murder that would be hilarious

Okay this is an interesting turn of events. Learning how to spy by testing someone's spying abilities by having them train you a spy network of soldiers. I'm curious to see how this goes...Shallan.

This Shard concerns me. Also is super arrogant. "If Rayse becomes an issue, he will be dealt with. And so will you."

Teft!

Now will we finally learn what you are up to?

Oh no is it drugs?

What happened to you in such a short span? You were the reliable one helping train all the other Bridge crews.

Firemoss? That's the only drug we've heard of right?

Yep, firemoss.

Ugh Sadeas's soldiers can't stop being awful can they

Oh no addicted and suicidal Teft no

Oh no seeing things. People or spren?

Please don't let Kaladin know his absence contributed to this he already suffers enough

Yep a spren

Teft you're so close yet so far you're actually talking to a spren but like so many Radiants really need some help to move forward

YES BRIDGE FOUR INTERVENTION

BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER

Hopefully Kaladin's medical knowledge will help here

Teft why why Sanderson must Bridge Four members suffer but at least they're there for each other

"Cephandrius, bearer of the First Gem"

Hmm is that "the element" mentioned in the first letter

Also this Shard is arrogant. I don't care if they're a god.

Dalinar why are you putting Gawx through this the child does not deserve this

Huh so Jasnah found something interesting indeed during that vision

Hehe Jez has dark eyes excellent make those lighteyes uncomfortable

Oh hey a dead or partially dead Aimian

Gawx does have a point, Dalinar could just be crafting whatever visions strengthen his argument

Heh of course the Azish would see the Alethi with a code of law barely 30 years old as barbaric

I'm so proud of Gawx. Admittedly he knew a lot even before taking on this intense role as emperor. Just the knowledge and eloquence.

Also the Sunmaker is horrible.

Ten percent?

Oh god.

And then the Alethi honor his example. Yeah the Azish really have good reason not to trust the Alethi. This long break between Desolations really did allow people to do awful things and engender distrust.

I still am amused by how Sadees is one step away from Sadeas

YES LIFT IS HERE YES YES YES YES YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

LIFT I MISSED YOU SO

heh she's still bitter about the pancakes

Also she can enter this even though she's not presently with Gawx? Connection I guess

Heh she's baffling even the Stormfather

Half in the Cognitive Realm does lead to some fun things

Pale white eyes? I didn’t realize she had those? Unless it’s just the Wyndleblade/Shardfork effect?

LIFT

I'M DYING HERE

"He's got too nice a butt"

Lift I love you

I mean in classic Lift fashion her argument actually does have logic behind it, as unconventional as it is

Wait why does that uniform look weird oh god the patch is gone Moaaash

"You have spoken to one who cannot respond. We, instead, will take your communication to us-though we know not how you located us upon this world." kind of lost you there

Anyways back to crying about Moash and how he lost Bridge Four and Horneater stew

He still has his coat?

Nooo not the Bridge Four patch

But Moash, Kaladin couldn't bear to tell Bridge Four

Good move starting this chapter in a twisted reflection of the nights of stew and comradely of Bridge Four

Graves is dead?

That is not a turn I expected I thought Moash would be solidly with the Diagram

Well Moash's concerns about not being in Shardplate proved true

I'm having feelings about Kaladin saving Moash even now via the training

Oh no Fused with Surges

Friction and Gravitation seen so far

Do they all have two or one

Don't let them get the Plate

Yeah spears over swords!

Kaladin's training, saving lives when he can’t be there personally

Does she have Friction and Gravitation at once? Different combinations of Surges?

Ah they can't heal though

But where do they get the dark light

Szeth said something about them supposedly being able to hold it perfectly so they don't need recharging as much, but then are also more limited?

Oh noooo

Don't give them the Shards

Oh noooo

This is probably worse than being with the Diagram

This is so much worse

Angst is coming

But woah

Are those

Oh my god are those skyships? We're getting fabrials skyships?

That go above the storms with sails pointing down toward them?

Eeee

Vaguely crustacean vaguely sci-fi skyships!

"We are indeed intrigued, for we thought it well hidden. Insignificant among our many realms." Wait are there Shards with more than one world? I am so confused.

Ooh spies freelance or working for highprinces

The idea of being watched everywhere always makes me a tad uncomfortable even as the concept of observing is intriguing. Really this whole spying versus scouting thing is something I really should be delving into with my own story but that’s a tangent

Heh the mind museum trick I know that one not that I ever used it

I am really getting concerned about the multiple personalities

Oh hey by the way I'm still worried about Moash. Just thought I should mention that.

It's scary to think of how much Shallan has changed. She used to be excited about learning, about being part of things. She's splintered now.

I want to be in the room where it happens the room where it happens seriously that room has so many interesting conversations going on

Shallan barely read those books Adolin gave her?

She had the promise to become one of the greatest scholars of her time. It’s making me really sad.

Ooh yes they're talking about the ships yesss

Ugh this cuts a bit too familiar

Surrounded by brilliant smart people, but not taking advantage of it, feeling left behind, overwhelmed, not living up to your potential of scholarship...

Going from being excited to missing appointments

Changing, losing pieces of oneself

Well at least my identity  issues aren't as bad

Cause oh god Shallan just thinking of taking in different masks and forgetting who she is

Forgetting this partially started with her wanting to be a scholar

Shallan's really being left behind

Not growing, just escaping

But hey Navani is hosting a meeting of smart people that is awesome

Yes for Jasnah supporting Renarin thank you

Is that Evi's chain he's fidgeting with?

I want to be at this meeting

Ever since Amaram I'm suspicious of every stormwarden. I don't know it they're all with the Sons of Honor or not but still.

Elthebar is a jerk interrupting women and insulting them at a science meeting

I'd like to punch all the people insulting and laughing at Renarin please and thank you

(Also I guess it's development for Shallan to go from wanting Renarin muffled to being angry at the Alethi court's treatment of him...or is it just jealousy)

Oh dear Shallan that isn't even some of your quality banter

Shallan is lacking in female friends and it is sad

Aww Jasnah feeling she's been a bad mentor to Shallan

Oh hey Renarin and Shallan getting along that's much better and Shallan agreeing with Renarin's assessment also good

Also the city being one giant fabrial is pretty cool

Heh I love the sentiment of we could stand up to Jasnah but she's usually right about things

Oh please don't go on that mission to Kholinar I know I wanted a woman in the party but I do not want any love triangle nonsense

Aww Dalinar being there for Renarin

If Moash meets the Parshmen Kaladin trained that would be hilarious

You were also trained and protected by Kaladin Stormblessed? Wow we're everywhere.

(The idea that there are more of them around now because some actually do live)

"As the waves of the sea must continue to surge, so must our will continue resolute. Alone." I am so confused but so concerned

Pfft I wanted a pov in Revolar even though I knew Kaladin had to leave and now we've got one

It's comforting to know that the Voidbringers don't seem to have the same mastery of Surges as the Radiants. At least for now.

Huh eaves culture I've also been considering that for my own worldbuilding

Wonder if he'll hear of Kaladin's wind stunt

Oh no don't do that. I knew it would happen because the Fused are in charge but don't counteract slavery with slavery

The irony that Moash is a slave now after being one of the Bridge Four members that technically wasn't a slave

I really did not see this turn coming and I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes

Hehe I wonder what will happen when Kaladin sees Moash's Shardblade on the battlefield

Huh Moash's backstory in the caravans comes into play nothing is wasted

Oh no the awful lighteyes is in charge of them, there's hierarchy and why they're all slaves and yet

Well Moash, you're right on the brokenness of humanity, wrong on Kaladin not being broken

Kaladin just fought to be something beyond broken and brought others up with him

This is messed up

But hey, Moash is heading toward the battle eventually that way

Alright definitely a Shard that isn't Cultivation since they don't care about Roshar, my guess is Autonomy

Skar!

"When the dream dies" is a concerning chapter title

Good news, most of Bridge Four can draw in Stormlight. Bad news, Skar, Dabbid, and Rlain can't.

Wonder how the scout ladies are doing?

Under six minutes for over a mile with a pack hm wish we had exact measurements is Roshar mile even a mile is a minute even a minute I'm curious about pacing and how fast you can run with Stormlight

Huh lashing plus Stormlight to improve running speed

I would not want to feel like I was running downhill forever it's hard on the knees and I instinctively pull back lest i fall

Teft I worry about you

Chouta returns!

Bridge Four having issues but still supporting one another yes

I'm so proud of how far they've come but ouch Skar the feeling of falling behind especially cause he was one of the naturals with a spear

Kaladin why are you late but Teft how dare you say that about Kaladin.

He's trying. He has to be there for Bridge Four and also be the one advocating for not mass murder as a solution to things

Ah things are not all well

"Finally deigned to arrive" that wording bothers me I'm protective of Kaladin

They still haven't realized that those talented people probably won't stand a chance of becoming a squire unless they fix their Connection problem

Which they'd better cause I want female Windrunners

Oh hey Koen from the old cobalt guard joined Bridge Four

That's clever swapping two groups for the same amount of Stormlight as one

Aww they found the room of Listener art

Plateau runs still happen? That's bizarre if reasonable.

I have feels about that bridge

Aww Rock's kids setting up a water station

I'm curious about this Elhokar mission cause there's so much of the book left so it can't be the climax

Kaladin. Team bonding. Not drills. That is the secret.

They're flying I'm so proud

No Skar you are part of Bridge Four glow or not

Okay good Lyn and Skar get solidarity that helps with Connection right?

Yes a world where rank and eye color don't matter would be nice. It's not so simple and it's certainly not automatic but at least there's hope for change

Huh Skar was aware of what Kaladin did with the arrows that early on

Oh right Skar is a teacher this is helpful for him

YES LYN YES

Heh and Skar only learns to glow when he feels content with just helping others

This is a feel good chapter

I'm so happy

YES JASNAH CHAPTER AT LAST

Oh god some of them admire Rayse's "initiative"? Who would have been the correct one?

I am more concerned about the Shards than ever before, and about Sazed on the battlefield with the old crowd who know so much more

Yes I want more Ivory content

Jasnah's so cautious

Also I appreciate how she had a backup of her notes

Huh we never got a scene of Shallan returning the notes she retrieved from Jasnah's trunk. Where are they. Also the drawing.

Oh okay so she probably got the notes back

I'm glad Jasnah has a spren friend to talk to. She's not entirely alone.

Also of course her spren is also logical.

Ah she's worried about Shallan

I want to give Jasnah a hug

What happened to her?

"A childhood illness nobody else seemed to remember...it had taught her that people she loved could still hurt her."

Oh god she fears madness. Losing the intellect she relies upon, not being able to trust fact. What was that one time she couldn't rely on her mind.

Of course the scholar gets inkspren

The idea that culture was almost entirely lost among many spren due to the Recreance and is barely starting to recover yikes

Cryptics really do have a reputation.

Inkspren war with Honorspren?

Huh Ivory is a fitting defiant name

So Honorspren seek rule over Shadesmar? It doesn't feel like Honor.

Huh there's some poetry to the Skybreakers not ending in death but living in it instead

Oh.

Jasnah knows.

Wit knew and now Jasnah knows.

And she's tough enough to withstand it.

And she's working on Oathbringer.

I love how it makes so much sense she's on the cover. It's Dalinar's flashback book but Jasnah is the one writing the book and holding the deep secret

I still want the Jasnah and Wit road trip

#running liveblogs #oathbringer spoilers #running reads oathbringer #stuff is really taking a different turn than I expected #and I'm loving it

[imploder]

Response to Ikimaru Hate/Fandom Hate in General

@miss-serket​

“Based off nothing” spend 5 mins on ikimarus blog or the homestuck store lol. Check the links I provided dude I literally typed blocks of text for proof. “Based off nothing” my ass tf

I hope you and other people read this to the end. It’s important. We’re going to go step by step here. First off, you’ll have to forgive me for being a bit over the top and angry. Sunny is a close friend of mine, so I’m sure you can understand why I’d get emotional when people not only spread unjustified hate but also celebrate it. I’m sure if someone did the same to one of your friends, you’d feel the same way.

ikimaru ruined homestuck

Complete nonsense, but I’m sure you don’t care about that one because it’s written to be a “joke.” We’ll get into why this is a problem later.

She’s lowkey homophobic. She doesn’t show it much but she’s basically a yaoi fangirl who sexualizes mlm couples

If you think Sunny is a “yaoi fangirl”/fujoshi, you really don’t know what you’re talking about. Have you seen works that actually do fetishize mlm relationships or sexualize them in a harmful way? The insistence of the seme/uke dynamic and using mlm smut as a means to their expressing their non-mlm sexuality are hallmarks of that. And those kinds of tones/qualities aren’t really found across her works. Yes, she ships DirkJake. Yes, she even sexualizes it. No, that does not make inherently bad. She’s not showing it in an unhealthy way nor is she claiming ownership of it. 

and she INSISTS dirkj*ke wasn’t abusive so a bunch of people blindly agree because for some God forsaken reason they think her art is in character and canon.

DirkJake being abusive is a FANON interpretation. Sure, there are some qualities of it, but at the end of the day, it’s a webcomic in which we didn’t get to directly see any of their relationship. We are just told about it through the monologues of Dirk and Jake. Was it abusive? Maybe! It’s perfectly fine if you see it that way. But it’s not CANON LAW. 

Also insisting that people are simply agreeing because they blindly follow her is just ignorant to other peoples’ own opinions on autonomy. Guess what? Other people have different opinions than you. Scary, I know! But that’s life. Shipping DirkJake or thinking it wasn’t horribly abusive isn’t wrong.

Her treatment of roxy was BEYOND awful. She makes her nothing more than a ditsy drunk who likes cats and helps Dirk get laid. Despite her struggle with her feelings for him, but that would get in the way of Hot Yaois.

So Roxy is a recovering alcoholic. Is depicting her drinking alcohol wrong? This is a really interesting question, and is one I don’t have a straight answer to. But again, in regards to the other stuff, this is coming down to how you are policing how other people interpret and draw characters. Attacking someone for depicting Roxy as “liking cats and helping Dirk get laid” is uncalled for. Literally no one is being harmed by someone doing that. You don’t get to decide what is  and isn’t okay when drawing a FICTIONAL character.

As for the “Hot Yaois” comment, see my response above.

Evey character is a 2D stereotype of themselves, and again, people TAKE IT AS CANON. This horrible mischaracterizing is definitely something that hurts the fanbase. Also, I’m not gonna rip on her art style but she only draws characters as skinny white people or skinny white people with a tan. She may give Jane bigger boobs and a bigger butt so she’s the “acceptable” type of fat. If she draws a POC they still have white features. All trolls “just 12 white people colored gray”.

People taking it as canon is not her fault. Hussie draws all the characters LITERALLY as skinny 2D stereotypes of themselves. And Hussie’s drawings are UNIVERSALLY CANON. Does that make it not okay to draw characters with different bodytypes/skin colors/etc.? Of course not.

And again you’re policing how people draw characters. Drawing characters with less common body types or as POC is great! But that doesn’t mean drawing them any other way is bad or wrong. We can discuss to what extent it’s harmful, but at the end of the day, you’re saying all these things because you think Sunny doesn’t draw people fat enough or POC enough. You’re inciting hate because she’s drawing a fictional alien race in a way that you don’t agree with. 

And the worst part, is how the homestuck store is monopolized by her. If you want diverse designs you’re out of luck! Here’s more Ikimaru!!

All this stuff combined is a huge drag on the homestuck community in the long run because she’s so goddamn influential and everyone thinks her POV is Canon

The WLF store being largely populated by her works was and is not her decision. She signed a contract with WLF a while ago. They ask her to draw things, and then she draws them. She’s not willy nilly deciding to deciding to flood WLF with unsolicited submissions. In fact, outside of WLF, she hardly even draws or wants to draw Homestuck anymore. 

As I’ve told other people in the past, your frustration here is totally justified. It’s understandable that you want to see different things in the store and that it angers you when all you see is art that you don’t like. However, Sunny is not the person you should be hating for this. That’s all on WLF’s end, and believe me, I will not get upset if people go around criticizing WLF.

But again, other people thinking her POV is canon isn’t her fault. She’s never claimed that how she draws characters is the canon or correct way. Sure, she has a HUGE following in the fandom, but that’s just what it is: a following. People follow her because they enjoy her art and interpretations. She’s drawing fanart. She isn’t creating what is suppose the be the correct image of the characters.

Yes, she’s my friend, but I’m not going to say people have to like her or her art. You don’t have to agree with her opinions; I know I don’t, and she knows that.

I think people are honestly giving her too much credit. I’ve seen this kind of thing happen on Tumblr dozens of times before. People hold Sunny to these unreasonable standards. People put her on a pedestal like she’s the CANON FANARTIST. And when she does things that people deem wrong or harmful, it creates that much worse of a reaction and backlash.

But there’s something you and everyone else has to remember, especially when saying shitty things about someone publicly. Sunny is just a normal person. She’s human. She has here own emotions, ambitions, problems, and causes for anxiety (which I might add is pretty much 100% from people like you). You shouldn’t hold her to this ridiculous standard just because she’s popular in one niche fandom on Tumblr. You don’t know her. You do not get to make sweeping judgments based on a couple of self indulgent drawings she’s posted over the past 5 years. 

That brings me to the most important part of this. A lot of the discourse near the top about interpretations of characters is something that isn’t 100% black and white. I could be wrong about those things. But even if I am, that does not justify inciting hate or encouraging people to write horrible things like “I’ll kill her,” even in jest. SHE’S A REAL PERSON. Posting that kind of stuff publicly is NOT OKAY. That is not how you act online or in the real world. I know Sunny has been deeply affected and truly hurt by seeing things like this. The worst part is that this kind of witchhunt fandom policing is still going on after multiple instances where it caused someone to attempt suicide. Why is this still going on? This kind of behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop.

#ikimaru #ikimaru hate #long post #really really fucking long post whew

[hella1975]

my ask from rori held spoilers so paraphrased but also copied infodumping is coming in here we go:

ok so like. vaccines cannot be made for fungus but that is information I learned w resources today. Nobody would know of this then and so there is no reason to stop the procedure on ellie. Like of COURSE ellie should be saved but there's just that horrible complexity of possibly saving the fucking world for more than just one person. Like Ellie I think would've said yes even if there was death, she's seen so much of it she's had to BE A PART OF IT so much this girl knows she's supposed to be more than she is and if that means dying? Of course she would. Dying is a lover to her a friend multiple lives an ENTIRE other world WHY was she living anyways. Ellie lost her ability to choose that for herself from the fireflies sure but also from Joel. He was selfish to the world and to her, but I literally encourage that like it would not be Joel if he did not show his love for her like that.

And throughout this series we have seen people do the exact thing. Like can you blame the woman who suggested the bomb before the outbreak? She just requested then to go see her family. We don't know if she told them they were going to die, we don't know what her last moment was with them. Bill and Frank weren't heroes to anyone they stayed close to themselves, NOT existing as a bigger picture for the hope of humanity but for THEMSELVES. Kathleen wanted a brother for a brother, because hers died to ensure the safety of Henrys but how is that fair. There is no bigger picture for them he and that kid will die no matter what. Tommy loved his wife/future kids and he left Joel, it was selfish for him to do that but he just wanted to shed his skin from what he'd done with Joel. Marleen wanted hope for the future she PROTECTED ellie and ellies mom protected her too by lying. Like I can't get any more across that you cannot pick a good person in this place, I'd even say there's no bad person either. (besides david. actually i think hes one if not only The Worst.) But you get what I mean ndmsksmw

THIS THIS THIS I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING HERE like the reason i think morality is handled so well in tlou is because oftentimes when you're presented with 'morally grey' shows, they just mean all the characters are awful and you have to pick the least awful from the bunch, and that's fucking exhausting. but in tlou very few of them are wholly evil with bad intentions. you can SEE how some if not all of them might have started as good, normal people. it's such a beautiful, heartbreaking way of showing survival because it feels REAL. it's scary and harrowing because you can see yourself and your loved ones falling into the same mistakes as the characters because they're not acting as bad or good people; they're just people.

and joel's choice being selfish!!!!!!! this a hundred thousand times. like ellie's character is so determined by autonomy and choice and he TOOK THAT FROM HER but he had her best interests at heart. his way of taking choice was from a father's viewpoint, was him seeing this little girl, a CHILD who isnt old enough to comprehend her choice yet and legally wouldn't be allowed to in a better world, and taking such a collosal choice from her hands because she fundamentally doesn't understand it yet. the fireflies didn't do that. they didn't have ellie in mind, and that's why it's different. im with joel all the way with the choice he made just as i support ellie being angry with him when she inevitably finds out.

#like aside david there's no character i really truly HATED in this show. only people i was rooting for and ones i wasn't #and that's so fucking cool!!!!! #like shows like game of thrones where they're all fucking corrupt and awful is just fucking knackering #i want to see the good in people again! and moreso i want to see the humanity of people again! #ask #tlou #tlou spoilers