#then ed starts showing up more and i start to love his autistic ramblings and general energy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

agentmanatee · 6 years

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Don’t judge people you don’t know based on one opinion. Everyone doesn’t see the world as you do.

I should be going to bed after a long shift, but I gotta say something first. I have noticed a lot in the discourse about the Fitz and Daisy conflict some Daisy supporters throwing certain rhetoric in comments. Their responses being you must be both racist AND sexist to support Fitz/criticize Daisy. NOT THE CASE. I have even received these kind of comments in posts that bring up positive things about Daisy. Honestly, I have seen these kinds of posts before season 5. I’ve seen people say he “made” Daisy hold the portal open in rescuing Jemma from Maveth; as if Daisy wouldn’t choose to give her all to save her friend. I would never respond to someone who posts criticism against Fitz as being “against the mentally ill/neurodivergent.” Because that is a massive and nonsensical generalization about a complete stranger.

Fitz is canonically neurodivergent; he has brain damage; he has experienced psychosis. These are clearly in his story, and are one reason people love him. He also has a lot of autistic-coded behavior, whether or not the writers/Iain intended doesn’t matter. The fact is many fans identify with him because of it. A lot of that behavior is part of why he’s my favorite character.

Our experiences affect how we view the shows we watch. Recognize that other people have different experiences that will inform which characters they like and how they interpret stories. I would never come to the conclusion that “this person who disagrees with me must be prejudiced against [insert group of people ] and therefore terrible.” Because that would be foolish and make me look like an ass. I would never try to “guilt” them by calling them something they’re not or act like my point of view is somehow morally superior. That’s nonsense. Just like anyone who reads this is not my moral superior, I am not theirs.

Look it’s ok to have a different point of view than me. If you don’t like it, just keep strolling. You do not have the right to make gross generalizations about me when you don’t know me. While I am white, I am also a Hispanic woman. As in one of the worst paid demographics in the United States. My last job certainly reflected that statistic (a white man with some college and who had just started was making more than me, I have a bachelor’s degree and had been there for 5 years). I understand that my experiences in racism are completely minimal and limited to “on paper”, and do not make me an authority by any means. Additionally, my dad wasn’t white and it upsets me to know how people perceived him because of how he looked. His education was very much hindered due to the racism of the time. His school forced his parents to stop raising him in Spanish and put him in “Special ed” instead of diagnosing and helping him with his dyslexia. He chose not to graduate because of this. This caused a lifetime of self-esteem issues for him. That will never not anger me.

To anyone who may be concerned, my opinions regarding the fictional characters’ discussed above recent behavior are not stemming from sexism or racism (yes even the implicit kind). I have gotten good at catching myself at something that everyone is guilty of. When you so much as imply racism or sexism (or any prejudice) every time someone disagrees with you, you take away from arguments when they do factor in. By all means, if someone really is being prejudiced, call them out on it. Do NOT use it in a desperate attempt to win an argument; especially if it’s unnecessary.

Sorry for the long/rambling post folks, I’m tired and had to get a lot out.

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lavender-montgomery · 3 years

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ramble tw: ed,depression, psychosis and anxiety mention

Really hating being at home at the moment, I take any excuse to go out for as long as I can. I just stayed two nights at my best friend’s house, I wish I stayed longer. There’s this chick I’m talking to who means a lot to me but I can’t see her atm bc of the virus. She doesn’t have it (thank god) she’s being careful which is fair enough, but it’s hard not meeting up with her when all I wanna do is be around her and be cute and hear her voice.

My Mam is really unwell and it’s not looking good, I am very anxious about it. I can’t see her or talk to her much at the moment.

I’ve decided to finally do stuff I really wanted to do that my ex didn’t allow, such as more piercings (I took most of mine out) and FINALLY getting a mullet. Also planning my next tattoo as it has been so long since I’ve had new ink. Feels good to be getting back to how I used to look, feels like me again, I changed myself so much for my ex and I just wasn’t me at all

It also feels good to not be denying my sexuality anymore, it used to get me super down

I’m in a really weird mood at the moment, I feel empty yet sad and heavy and anxious. About me mam, my ex, I’m worried I’ve fucked up with someone, sad about my sister, anxious about living arrangements

That’s another thing, living arrangements. I’m really looking forward to living alone and doing what I want with my tiny ass flat, but the building itself and area I live in is dangerous so living here alone is scary. I’ve become very jumpy especially at home, if someone even unlocks the door it scares me a lot and I am constantly on edge. A lot of bad stuff happens here which has given me this extreme anxiety of being here. I know I could move, but I love the flat itself and it’s near places I wanna work. I suppose I’ll see how it goes living by myself and if it’s too bad then I will look at moving. I’m not gonna lie, my building looks like the crack den Cumberbatch’s Sherlock was staying at. It’s a mess. But my flat itself is nice so I don’t mind.

I just wanna be alone, listen to music, do some art and cuddle my cat.

The lass I’m talking to got me a Pooh plush which made me stupidly happy and I’ve not put him down

I’m getting fish soon and more plants, turning my flat into my happy place

You ever get days where your mental illness just hits you full force? Today is one of those days with my depression and my psychosis and anorexia has been bad again. It’s my own fault, I’m not taking my meds and my ex would get angry at me - but I’m not taking them BECAUSE of my psychosis, my main hallucination which I posted about on here when I first started this blog. It’s a tough cycle that I know I gotta break, I just don’t have the strength or willpower to do that right now.

It’s weird when my anorexia gets bad. It’s very sad, it controls me, I feel physically unwell and it brings my other mental illnesses to light. At the same time, it makes me happy, when I go a while without eating and I feel that burning in my chest and throat and I’m shaky, I feel like congratulating myself for doing so well. It makes me happy knowing I can do it again, and honestly? The only bad thing I can see happening about living alone is my anorexia properly returning long term. I’m torn, part of me is so excited for that, but I’ve also done so well these past few months with my eating. It’ll be worth it when I look better. I wish I looked how I did when I was 18, looking at old pictures makes me sad. I was so, so skinny. I looked ill, my skin was white, I was so weak. The worst part is I’d get praised for how ‘fantastic’ I looked and people would ask me for weight loss advice, which of course only fueled it. Why did no one help me? Why was it unnoticed and not cared about? I couldn’t shop in town as barely anywhere sold my size clothes and the few times I would find my size the range would be so limited. I had to get my clothes sent over from Japan or wear stuff oversized which only made me look tinier. At the time I didn’t want help or for people to know, but looking back I’m wondering why the fuck no family or close friends other than my ex said anything or helped. It got to the point I would be wearing clothes for nine year olds, which I was incredibly proud of. Yet another thing I’m torn about, it was one of the worst times of my life dealing with that but at the same time... I looked the best I’ve ever looked. Skinny, pale, short hair, piercings, getting tattoos, I dressed nice. I still dress the same I suppose but it doesn’t look as good because I’m fat. Despite it being an awful time, I’d give anything to go back to it overnight. I’ll get there, it’s gonna be slow and it’s gonna take a lot out of me. I’ll look like me again eventually. Do I wanna do it? Who knows.

I’ve been having sensory overload a lot more recently, it’s starting to become an issue. It doesn’t help that my ex gets angry at me and yells, doesn’t let me have quiet and makes it worse. I almost cry begging him to just please don’t talk to me and don’t move near me, but for some reason every time it happens he insists on yelling and swearing at me, getting in bed next to me watching videos on his phone, moving about on the bed messing about with the duvet and he brings his cat who gets in my face and has the loudest purr I have ever heard come from a cat. All this when I am having a sensory overload moment is a nightmare, it’s so frustrating and he makes me feel so stupid for it. He tells me I’m stupid and pathetic. Maybe I am, I don’t know. I’m not diagnosed autistic or anything but apparently I show a lot of traits of it. My ex tells me I’m autistic, he uses it to insult me. Even now, I’m trying to distract myself posting this as I haven’t had a long vent about everything for ages, I’ve asked him to just give me a few minutes to myself and he’s going on at me to clear the bed so he can get in it as he ‘wants bedtime’. It’s 5:30PM, he could always clear the bed himself but he makes me do it.

Ah, my disability. It’s getting bad again - what isn’t? I’ve only used my wheelchair once since the breakup because I’m unable to push myself in it, I need someone to push me, but it isn’t Lukas’ thing to do anymore. He pushed me the other morning when we went to ASDA. I’ve been in a lot of pain recently, my ex has a go at me for going out if I’m gonna come home in pain and not do things like make myself food when he says or clear the bed for him. He tells me I need to prioritise. I tell him I’m not gonna just never go out and have no social life incase my disability plays up, right now it isn’t even that that’s the issue, I’m in pain because of the cold. He didn’t accept that. What does he expect me to do? It’s the end of December, it’s cold, I can’t just stay inside until spring. Recently I asked him to pass me something off his desk he was sat at because my back was bad. He lost it, called me a lazy cunt. Says he’s in pain too he shouldn’t have to ‘do everything for me’. I told him the scissors are a foot away from him, it makes sense for him to just pass them to me, any normal person would do that. Of course he didn’t accept that so continued swearing at me. This happens a lot.

I told him no more sex. Despite breaking up over a month ago we are still living together while he finds a new place and he is often in the mood so we were still having sex. It was consensual, but I told him no more.

Today’s a bad day and there are some bad things going on, but it’s not all bad. The past 2/3 weeks I’ve been doing better than I have for a long time. Making plans for living alone, returning to bar work which I love, planning to visit my family in Essex and my friends in Bristol. Sorting my appearance out again, embracing my sexuality, getting back in touch with friends. And her. I’ve already mentioned her a few times but man, I can’t help it. She makes me smile like I haven’t in a long time, we talk all day/night, she’s adorable. I’m not gonna get my hopes up, I don’t think I’d make her happy like she deserves, and she deserves so, so much, more than I could ever be; but I’m happy with how it is now even if only temporary. She makes me feel less alone, feel wanted, appreciated, cared for, happy. She’s someone from my past I never thought would be in my life again but I am really happy she is. What a blessing ♡

#vent #rant #ramble #TW depression #tw anorexia #tw eating disorder #tw anxiety #tw psychosis

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