#the years i've lost to being so inanely unalive !!! staring out at a gray world wishing i would just Be Dead already

[asteralien]

look it took me a while to come round to astarion but there is something about the scene where he's just standing in the sun that kind of got me after i've spent the entirety of this spring, rain or shine, staring and reveling in the trees and the plants around me, like i haven't seen the color green in years because in a lot of ways i haven't, i had gone blind to my favorite color because it Didn't Matter, i hadn't realized how deep depression had been holding me under for years until march when the woods i've lived in since i was 8 have suddenly become brand new to me. and it's not like i'm dancing around joyously or anything, it's not made me some kind of positive upbeat optimism fairy, it's made me angry if i think about it too long, so i've just been trying not to think about it and just be, not try to be happy or optimistic or hopeful but just appreciative. and. idk. i think i kind of Get It. he's never going to be my very favorite but man. i would like to stand in the sun with him sometimes

#blah blah blah blah blah word vomit. #it's fine i just feel Incredibly Too Old to be making this kind of progress but also incredibly like a stupid baby too #the years i've lost to being so inanely unalive !!! staring out at a gray world wishing i would just Be Dead already #and now suddenly the trees are so green again and it makes me so fucking angry #that this was here the whole time but i couldn't reach it. it wasn't reaching me #i was scared of rain and scared of sun and scared of in between and it sucks so so so much #and everyone wants me to be HAPPY and NICE and SOFT about feeling better and i'm fucking. not. #i feel ~better~ but that just means i'm angry at what i lost and never had #i wanted to kill myself for almost a decade and now you want me to romanticize life because a cashier at the grocery store smiled at me??? #and i get so frustrated trying to play with him on the team sometimes but also good fucking god. mood. #mkay i have to go crochet something before i kick a wall because my depression is better and that infuriates me #and i just want to kill things with a vampire worstie. #is that so wrong. #aster chat