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moonmothmama · 6 years

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ok. so. The Princess Bride. i read it yesterday.

and right up front, before even a review, i’m gonna go ahead and list everything objectionable in the book that i can recall. please don’t take the length of the bullet pointed items to follow as an indication that the book was wildly problematic and offended me at every turn; it wasn’t and it didn’t. but there were some things that made me go: 😑 or 😒, and here it all is, presented with context, before anything else, because to be honest, i didn’t expect any of it. the film is relatively spotless, which is pretty rare for that era, and if any of you are thinking of reading it, you could do with being more prepared for this than i was.

first off, racism. two passing remarks. one isn’t even in the story proper; it’s in the first whole long intro bit from the author/narrator. that takes some explanation, i suppose: like in the film, the story is presented as a book having been written by “S. Morganstern,” except instead of a grandfather reading to his sick grandson, the narrator is interjecting with notes on the original text that he has abridged. the beginning is a whole long shpiel that, in my opinion, could have been significantly pared down with absolutely zero loss to the story (which! hey! the film did perfectly! go figure!). anyway, the first racist remark is an absolutely tasteless line in which the narrator pisses and moans about his fat son, making a crack about “painting him yellow” and making him a sumo wrestler. y i k e. the other passing remark is from Miracle Max (really, truly, the film version of this scene is miles better than the book version, but contains an important plot detail, so you should prob still read it, but i’ll give you the lowdown if you wanna skip). he refers to Iñigo as a sp*ck (rather bafflingly, i might add, bc Iñigo is a Spanish man... from Spain... not a Hispanic or Latino man from Latin America. so. i mean i’m certainly not an expert on slurs but... i have never in my life heard that term in reference to a person from Spain, and am virtually certain it was invented to refer to ppl from the americas) and in the same breath uses an objectionable term for a Polish person. sooo... again: y i k e. what gets me is that... these could’ve just been edited out? why weren’t they? i mean i know why but

fat shaming! see above. though to be honest, any true negativity about fatness is restricted to the author/narrator’s interjections; there are a few minor fat characters in the story and those depictions, without being too long-winded or spoilery, didn’t offend me (fyi: i’m fat). if you want the details, please feel free to message me about it.

if we can go back to the whole long beginning shpiel from the author/narrator, it’s just... eh. he comes off as kind of a jackass, tbh. not even halfway through it i found myself more than a little impatient for the story to begin, and that could be at least partly because the film spoiled me with a lovely, not annoying, not problematic scene of Granddad Columbo reading to Baby Fred Savage where no one made any racist remarks or ragged on fat kids. the basic gist, if you want to skip it, is that the author, as a kid, had this book read to HIM by his father, who was a Florinese immigrant, and nearly illiterate in English, but still labored over reading the English translation to his American-born son, who adored the book and requested it read to him dozens and dozens of times over the years, refusing to read it himself (though he read plenty of other books). as an adult, he buys his son the book, and is crushed when the son doesn’t like it. he then reads it for the first time, and realizes his father skipped over huge, boring blocks of text. he read his son only The Good Parts. so he decides to edit that shit out himself and release the abridged version he loves so much. add into that some complaining about his wife and some extra blah blah, and that’s pretty much it.

you remember the scene in the movie where The Man In Black/Westley almost slaps Buttercup for what he believes is lying? in the book he actually slaps her. not that his actions seem supported or endorsed by the text, but still, there you are. Buttercup does push him off a cliff soon after, though, so. i wouldn’t call that ‘even’ exactly but, shrug

Vizzini, in the book, has a fucky leg and his back isn’t quite straight, and he’s referred to repeatedly as a “humpback” or “hunchback” which needless to say is Not Kosher

that, as i recall, is it. i hope i’m not forgetting anything. now onto content/trigger warnings:

alcoholism. this shouldn’t be a surprise if you’ve seen the movie: Iñigo has some, shall we say, issues

Fezzik’s parents were... terrible. CPS would be all over them. spoiler: basically they emotionally blackmailed their son into fighting professionally, which they knew he hated, by telling him they’d abandon him if he didn’t

Buttercup has some kinda messed up (read: unsettling but in no way graphic) nightmares after leaving Westley when they’re found by Prince Humperdinck at the Fire Swamp, mostly involving bearing children to the Prince who she once again is set to marry

the slurs and whatnot i mentioned above

violence, obviously. nothing worse than the film as i recall.

that’s it i think.

okay. all that said. did i enjoy the book? yes i did. a lot.

now, you might be thinking: jesus, Kathleen, after all the shit you just listed? and to this i reply: listen. there is no Unproblematic Media, so you either enjoy some things that are flawed, or you enjoy nothing at all. there is plenty of objectionable shit in Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit! fucking plenty! and i love those books! and so do plenty of other people! in my own humble opinion, the good story is worth the shitty bits, because the shitty bits aren’t like, fundamental to the plotline. the story isn’t built on offensive humor or nasty, bigoted attitudes. and they’re also not the most egregious examples of Objectionable Content i’ve come across- not by a longshot. there are levels to offense. there are tiers of bullshit. this is on a far lower tier than a whole host of other things i could mention. but if any of this stuff i’ve listed crosses a line for you, i totally understand and respect that. that’s why i’ve bothered to list it at all. imo, how you respond to objectionable content is important: you don’t ignore it or excuse it, you acknowledge and criticize it. and if you still enjoy whatever the thing is, you allow yourself to enjoy it, without getting hissy or defensive with people for whom the objectionable content ruined the book/movie/whatever.

there you go, there’s my disclaimer for having enjoyed the book. your mileage may vary.

okay. so. review time.

Buttercup is a far more interesting character in the book than the movie, for which the movie can’t be faulted all that much, because you can’t easily translate a character’s inner monologue/unspoken thoughts to the screen, especially not with the time limit that comes with the medium of film. but watching her struggle with her feelings and life choices (and... lack thereof, since her choice is between marrying the prince and being put to death, which isn’t much of a choice, even if she tries to reason it out later by telling herself she COULD have said no... and initially did) creates far more of a bond between her and the reader in the book than, personally, i felt watching the movie. also she has a great line after Westley calls her beautiful at their reunion- she says something like, ‘everyone’s always calling me beautiful, i have a mind too, why don’t you talk about that’

Both Westley and Buttercup are immature, naive, and foolish in the beginning, and if Westley strikes you as Extra Dickish, a) rewatch the film! he did act like a bit of a dick, there, didn’t he? b) remember that in the story he’s a young man between the ages of eighteen and twenty five, which in my considerable experience is the age at which young men are generally at their peak of Asshole. sorry dudes

and not that Buttercup herself is a complete peach! she deals very poorly with her emotions in general and acts kinda shitty herself once or twice. i won’t say too much lest i spoil everything that’s different between the film and the book.

Prince Humperdinck is also a more three dimensional character; still a rat bastard tho.

onto Fezzik and Iñigo.

as i have said in other blog posts, these boys are... pretty much the whole reason i sought out the book. and... jesus.

you get all the way into the tragic backstories that were only hinted at in the film. okay, Iñigo’s backstory was more than hinted- but of course you go so much deeper in the book- and Fezzik’s was less than hinted, reduced mostly to a peek at the insecurity that Vizzini exploits and preys upon to keep him in line. not that you’d have to expend a great effort to him to keep him in line; his personality is docile and non-confrontational. truly not the slightest bit aggressive by nature. he’s also kinda clingy and needy, which is a thousand percent understandable given his childhood, and tbqh doesn’t need to be browbeaten for Vizzini to keep him on his short, cruel leash. which makes it all the more painful! hurrah! 😭

also you actually get to meet Iñigo’s father, Domingo Montoya, in a flashback, aaaand... i kinda love him. probably predictable if you know me.

anyway. tragic backstories. which further illuminate the emotional and psychological issues that make them so dependent on Vizzini, and turn them to lives of crime in his employ. poor boys! oy gevalt. sympathy abounds; i honestly don’t know how you could go through the book and not fall at least a little bit in love with this duo, whose friendship is precious and adorable and a balm to the soul that is aching from their painful life stories and unhealthy coping mechanisms. they’re each, very plainly, the only friend the other has in the world, and are constantly helping and bolstering one another. it’s heartbreakingly sweet. i think those boys will be alright as long as they stick together.

and now, the repeated theme of the book, that is presented with far less intensity in the film: life isn’t fair. which, one supposes, is true. but while the narrator’s framing of that assertion may give you the same misgivings they gave me- bitching about his fat son and his less than ideal relationship with his wife- you can also step back and appreciate it as a wee pearl of wisdom. life is often unfair, but that doesn’t mean it’s altogether bad or that you can’t enjoy it. idk, that’s my attitude, man.

i could talk about the ending here, but i won’t. at least not too much. not to spoiler-ish-ly. if you don’t want to know anything about the book’s ending at all, feel free to not read the last bit here, except for the very last lines which are bolded.

ready? yes? no?

...

the ending to the book is different than the movie. there is a more philosophical, open ended conclusion than you could really get away with in a movie. at least this movie.

just throwing it out there: i believe in happy endings. ones in real life. but i kind of disagree with the author a little bit, in that i don’t think happy endings necessarily have to be perfect and unblemished to qualify as happy endings. that may be the way “happily ever after” is generally presented, but to me, “happily ever after” means, maybe some shit happened, but none of it was completely devastating, and in the final analysis, life was satisfying. that’s the kind of real life happy ending i’m aiming (and hoping) for. this might sound vague but i hope it’ll make sense if you read the book.

if you wanna do that, btw, i read it for free online at allnovel dot net.

#kathleen reads the book #the princess bride #william goldman #book review #ish? thing?#blogging on my blog

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skeletorific · 7 years

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all of the usual skelebros (that is, ut, uf, us, and sf) reactions to their S/O making pie or ice cream sundaes or whatever, and they "accidentally" squirt a lil bit of whipped cream on their boyfriend's face and try to kiss and/or lick it off. not in, like, a dirty sexual way tho. S/O is just rlly rlly shy and wants an excuse to smooch their cute skeleton man ;;

(I don’t have emojis on PC, sooo….)

THIS *clap* CUTE *clap* SHIT *clap* IS *clap* MY *clap* JAM. Also this might be toeing a lil closer to nsfw than usual but then again, its me.

Also also, this got kinda long because I was in a mood for fluff, so some under the cut. A lot under the cut.

UT!Sans: “sweet of you to cook.” He grinned from his spot leaning on the counter.

You roll your eyes.”That was barely a pun, dude.”

The grin widened and he came up behind you. “come on, I’m pie-ing here.”

That one gets a small smile out of you and you turn back to the pastry. He reaches from behind you. “hang on, think it needs a test-”

You smack him away. “Phalanges off, its not done.” You gesture the can in your hand. “I abjectly refuse to let you eat pie without whipped cream, I’m a good person. So just sit tight.”

He smirked, holding his hands up and backing away. “alright, alright. normally i’d argue but you’ve got me whipped, babe.”

Your dramatic sigh draws out a full laugh from him, and you can’t help but grin. Stars he was cute. You still weren’t totally adjusted to the idea that he was yours. You started filling that familiar urge to kiss him, but as usual you had no idea how to initiate it. Good night kisses were easy (well, getting easier), but stuff like spontaneous affection didn’t exactly come naturally to you. Suddenly you became aware of the can in your hand. A bit cheesy, maybe, but….

You started shaking the can, presumably to get it ready, when your finger “slipped” and sprayed it back directly at his face. He spluttered slightly, some having fallen directly into his laughing mouth. “oh, shit, sorry, let me get that off. “You step closer, helping him wipe away what’s on his sweatshirt. Then, your eyes zero in on the glob by his cheekbone and you lean in, kissing it away.

When you pull away, his cheeks are flushed BRIGHT blue and his eyelights have vanished. For a brief moment you’re worried you overstepped your boundaries. “Uh…got it.” You turn back to your work. Half a seond you feel a par of arms wrapping around your waist and a small skelekiss on your cheek.

“heh. didn’t need to make an excuse. already know you’re sweet on me.”

UT!Papyrus: “DATEMATE! RELINQUISH THE WHIPPED CREAM!”

“Not a chance” you say, stubbornly holding the can behind you to keep it away from your boyfriend’s impossibly long arms. “Whipped cream can not go on spaghetti, this where I draw the line.”

“Come on, kid, dessert pasta is the way of the future!” Undyne said. “You humans already have dessert pizza, this is just the next step!”

“No.”

“DATEMATE!” Papyrus stomped his foot, looking put out. “YOU ARE BEING EXTREMELY DIFFICULT!”

You grin. You couldn’t help it. For as much as you loved your boyfriend’s general positivity, he was oddly adorable when he was frustrated. Still, you wanted a quick way to cheer him back up. Impulsively, you say “Alright, want the whipped cream?” You squirt some on his face. Undyne, despite wanting it back as much as he did, cackled with laughter at the sight of a miffed skeleton covered in dessert topping. He wipes it off, looking more annoyed than ever. But he missed one single glob in the corner of his mandible.

Still running on impulse, you lean over and kiss him, catching it in your mouth.

Undyne laughs harder while Papyrus grows startled. He stares at you for a full minute before a huge smile spreads across his face. “AH, I SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE!” He put a hand on top of your head. “OBVIOUSLY I HAVE BEEN NEGLECTING MY DUTIES AS YOUR GREAT BOYFRIEND AND YOU FELT THE NEED TO RESORT TO CHILDISH JAPES IN ORDER TO GET AFFECTION!”

“Um,” you blush slightly at his sweet but somewhat embarrassing conclusion. “Well, that wasn’t exactly what I-”

“WORRY NOT, HUMAN! ALL YOU WOULD HAVE TO DO WAS ASK, BUT I HAVE CLEVERLY DEDUCED THE CAUSE OF YOUR BEHAVIOR! NOW, PREPARE TO BE SMOOCHED BY THE GREAT PAPYRUS!”

All told, its a good kiss, only slightly marred by Undyne making exaggerated gagging noises in the background. You still don’t give them the whipped cream after though.

UF!Sans: A door slam and a low trail of mutters signal your boyfriend’s arrival long before he storms into the kitchen and plops himself down at the counter. You look up from the sundae you were making yourself. “Hey.”

He grumbles something by way of greeting and lets his head collapse into his arms.

“They kept you late?” You start spreading whipped cream on the top of the ice cream.

“i don’t know why the fuck frisk keeps dragging me to this ambassador’s shit. buncha stuffed shirt assholes talkin for hours about nothin in particular. almost fired a damn blaster off in the room just to break the fuckin monotony.”

“Well, that would’ve done wonders for monster-human relationships.” You say, taking a spoonful in your mouth.

He mumbles something unintelligible, not raising his head.

You sigh internally. On the one hand his mood is pretty justifiable, but on the other he’s not much fun like this and you suck at just basic comfort. You need a quick fix, but you’re not sure what……

This is either going to go really well or 100% blow up in your face, but dating Red was never for the faint of heart anyways. You walk over to him. “Hey, could you look up for a second?”

He groans and doesn’t move.

“Come on, just for a second.”

A long pause and he reluctantly turns to look at you….only to be greeted by a faceful of whipped cream. He splutters, shaking most of it off. “what the hell?!”

You lean in and lick off whatever hasn’t been shook free.

He stares for a bit, cheekbones faintly tinted red. Finally he sighed and pulled you into his lap. “you’re lucky you’re cute.”

You grin and kiss his cheekbone. “Aren’t I just.”

UF!Papyrus: You know, for someone reputed (at least by himself) to be one of the sharpest minds of the Underground, Pyrus could be remarkably oblivious.

You’d finally done it. After almost a year of unending nagging, pleading, and cooking together, you’d gotten him to trust you with full control of his precious kitchen. You were planning on making this something of a special night, getting dressed in a cute outfit and sauntering around cooking like the kitchen gods/goddesses of commercials. You were hoping that this might get one of the rare breaks in your boyfriend’s formal front to show.

And he was doing the stars-damned paperwork!

“Dessert will be ready soon!” You said, hoping to draw his eyes up.

“OKAY” he said distractedly, eyes buried in his work.

“I made apple pie. Your favorite.”

“THAT’S NICE.” He says, not even glancing up.

You sigh as you start putting on the whipped cream. You’re not a particular needy person about affection, generally. Its pretty much a requirement for dating Pyrus. But even your meter had been feeling a little low lately. The problem was initiating it though. Edge was usually a little repelled by obvious attempts at cuddles. He preferred to be led into it a little more naturally. Unfortunately, it seems like subtle isn’t exactly cutting it right now.

The idea comes to you as you’re walking over to deliver the pie, and you smile uncontrollably. You pass the plate dangerously close to his cheekbone before setting it down on the table in front of him “Here~”

Finally, finally he looks you in the eyes. ‘THANK YOU.”

“No problem. Oh, whoops.” you put a hand to the side of his face, just under the glob. “Got a bit of whipped cream on your cheekbone.” His hand moves to wipe it off, but your mouth got there first, and you kissed it off. “Got it.”

He turns bright red. Its as you walk away that he notices what you’re wearing and chases after you to give you the affection you’ve been looking for.

US!Sans: “I think we’ve covered this sundae.” You say, backing away.

“NONSENSE, WE DON’T HAVE NEARLY ENOUGH!” Sans took the can from your hand and kept squirted higher and higher mounds.

You smile and shake your head, throwing more and more sprinkles on. “Your brother’s gonna kill us for using this much of his sweets stash.”

There was a mischievious glint in his blue eyes as he grinned. “PAPY DOESN’T HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING. BESIDES,” he giggled and dabbed some topping on your nose. “THE MAGNIFICENT SANS ONLY MAKES THE BEST SUNDAES”

You blush faintly and laugh. As you keep working you can’t really tear your eyes off of him. His mischievious side is something Sans has only recently started showing to you, and you can’t help but be entranced by it. This short little bundle of joy, normally so responsible and so concerned with following the rules, has a pranking streak to rival his brother’s and a grin that nears a smirk. Its thrilling, in a way, and throw you off blanace in the best way possible.

Yet it also has you feeling uncharateristically.shy around him. You’ve been dating for a few months, but this side him feels….oddly out of your league. Like you’re not quite fast enough on your mental feet for him. You’re oddly blushy and praying he doesn’t notice. Still, you need to do something to take back a little control. Fortunately, he’s justgiven you the perfect idea.

You manage to flick some whipped cream onto his cheek, and as he’s turning to ask why you lean over and suck it off.

He grins. “DATEMATE, IF YOU WANTED A KISS, YOU COULD’VE JUST ASKED.” He kisses you sweetly on the mouth and gets back to work.

So much for getting control of the blush.

US!Papyrus: “Spider pie should really not be this good to me.”

“heh, don’t let Muffet here you saying that.” Pap took a swig from his honey bottle. “but yeah, she’s the best.”

“Seriously, this is a little unnerving.” You soaked another bite in melting whipped ream and ate it. “Maybe I’ve just had a secret taste for spider carcasses this entire time.”

He grinned. “can I pick a date spot or can i?”

You duck into your food to hide your oncoming blush. You had almost forgotten this was a date. Officialy. Of course, the two of you had been seeing each other for months now, with some definite chemistry underneath, but this was teh first time he had proposed hanging out by saying “wanna go out on a date?” Nothing external had really been different, but somehow that rhetoric shift had completely thrown you off.

And you wanted to do something, something that set this apart, showed him you were ready for this relationship to mean more than two friends with some kind of undefined slow burn between you. Finally, something occurred to you. “Here, try a bit of this.”

He shook his head. “Nah, pie’s not really my thing.”

“Come on.” You shove the bite on your fork against his teeth, the whipped cream squishing out around it.

He rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to accept the food. He swallowed it and shrugged. “its aight.”

You leaned in and licked off the whipped cream.

He looked surprised when you pulled back and you looked to the side, blushing. “Uh….had some on your…

“come here for a sec”

You turn your face slightly and his teeth crash against you, pulling you into a deep kiss. You’re startled, but relax into it, enjoying the moment.

Finally, he breaks off, smirking faintly. “i was right.”

You raise an eyebrow. “About what?”

He grinned. “it does taste better in your mouth.”

You blush and shove his shoulder.

SF!Sans: “YOU CANNOT BE DOING THAT RIGHT.”

You sighed. “Look, I’m following the recipe to the letter, okay?”

Sans looked unconvinced. “IF I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COOKING, WHICH I DO, SOMETHING SHOULD DEFINITELY BE ON FIRE.”

“Well, maybe this pie is different.” You say, handing him two slices. “Make yourself useful and put some topping on this.”

“I’M ALWAYS USEFUL.” Still, he started applying some.

You can’t help but grin at his intense focus. It didn’t matter what it was, Sans always gave his 110% to it. He seemed to be trying to spell your names on your separate slices, but kept having to start over beause he made the letters too big. He was getting frustrated, but it was kind of cute.

You felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him, but Sans didn’t really like you initiating PDA. Technically this was the house, but Papyrus was still around. You would need a good cover story. Fortunately, opportunity presented itself momentarily.

“THIS CAN’S OUT.” He said.

“Hang on, I’ll get another one. “ You pulled out a new can and brought it to him, your finger pressing on the top a split second before he grabbed it. He shrieked slightly in annoyance.

“Oh, sorry, sweetie, my finger slipped.” You set the can aside and kissed it off. “There.”

His cheekbones flushed and glared at you for a minute. Just as you’re about to chalk it up as a failure and turn aside he suddenly shoves some whipped cream in your face.

“MY FINGER SLIPPED. I HAVE TO CLEAN YOU OFF WITH MY MOUTH NOW.”

SF!Papyrus: A hand on your collar dragged you away from the table. “hands off.”

“I’m telling you, you’ll love it.” You say, brandishing the whipped cream can.

“i gotta tie you down?” Papyrus tossed you on the couch before returning to his food.

“But its good on pancakes!”

“certain things are sacred, kid. don’t mess with a perfectly good plate of pancakes.”

You roll your eyes, waiting a few minutes before attempting to sneak up on him, slowly reaching your hand around his head, poised to squirt-

His hand catches your wrist and he tugs you into his laps, using one arm to pin your arms to your sides He chuckled and leaned by your ear. “sorry about the confinement, but its the one way i know you’ll behave.” He then resumed eating one-handed.

You huff impatiently, but you’re blushing. You and Papyrus hadn’t been dating that long, you still weren’t really used to him touching you like this. Not to say that you were complaining. In fact, you wanted more, but you weren’t quite bold enough to take it for yourself. At least, not just by kissing him. Blushing furiously, you pressed down on the can top, shooting whipped cream up into his face.

He paused, then sighed, deeply, wiping at his face “seriously, wha-”

You lean over abruptly and kiss off some small globs. When you leaned back he was frozen in place.

“Uh….I’m gonna get some water. “ You jumped off his lap and move to run out when the hand still on your wrist tightens. You feel yourself being tugged back again and his arms wrap around you. One hand tilts your chin up toward his face and he smiles.

“on second thought maybe i will have a taste of that…”

#this took SO LONG #idk why this prompt just really brought out the minific in me #undertale #underswap #underfell #swapfell #sans #papyrus #uf!sans #uf!papyrus #us!sans #us!papyrus #sf!sans #sf!papyrus #whipped cream kisses #fluff #headcanons

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