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queengeekrose · 5 years

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Setbacks and Mental Health

As some of you know, I started streaming on Twitch last summer, in July, as a way to help me manage my mental health and deal with some of my issues that I have because I'm almost completely housebound. Being housebound like I am means I have very little interaction with other people, except online, and what I do have tends to be limited to doctors and other people who are also ill, or to people who are seeing me in a very limited set of circumstances, most of which are not positive, and people tend to judge me rather harshly for, for a variety of reasons. It makes my introverted nature and extreme shyness and social anxiety a lot harder to deal with, especially since I hear a lot of very rude comments whenever I go out, because I have very good hearing, and sadly, I am far too used to hearing this type of thing. I've been hearing abusive comments thrown at me since I was old enough to understand words, from one person or another. Most of them I can just let roll off my back, but some bother me, a lot. I get triggered, in the true meaning of the word, by some of the comments and I start to backslide into mental health issues that are scary and it can take days, week, or even longer to pull myself back out of those pits. I haven't really talked about it with anyone online, honestly, but maybe I should. Maybe I should bare my soul and be honest about what happened to me over time, instead of just hinting at things and letting people draw their own conclusions. It might help me deal with things too. I'm not really sure.

Some of the things I've taked about in my writing, extensively, happened to me. Others I drew from experiences I helped others get through. All of them however do have more than a large helping of truth to them, when I was describing the hardships of abuse, mental torture, rape, violence, kidnapping (someone I knew in college was grabbed by an ex and held against her will for about six days, she was extremely traumatized and had to leave school because of it by the end of the semester and ended up moving in with me for a few weeks before that, because she felt safer around me than anyone else), eating disorders, anxiety and panic attacks, and painful shyness. I have even talked a bit about PTSD in my stories, and ADHD. All of these things I'm pulling from my own experience, to make my writing as real and human as possible, even though I'm trying to write a character other people can relate to as well. What I'm trying to do is flesh out enough realism to give 'you' a backstory without taking over whatever headcannon you are creating for yourself in the story, when I do that, so I borrow very heavily from my own experiences to keep the experience geniune and grounded. I want thing to be so real you can picture them vividly in your head and immerse yourself, not get lost because something seems inauthentic or wrong, so I tend to pour myself into the writing, more and more, as time goes on. And it's somewhat cathartic too, to a degree, to write about some of the issues I've been through. Don't misunderstand me in anyway please. It's still extremely hard to think about to talk about with anyone and still feels like an open and bleeding stab wound most days, but maybe now it feels like the knife has been removed and the bleeding has slowed a bit, to the point it's not so dangerous anymore. I can cope with things a lot better, most of the time. My writing gave me a lot of my mental piece of mind back.

And then I found streaming and the online communities on Discord and Twitch. This really turned around a lot more then. I had suffered a major mental setback when my father died, even though we were estranged, for a variety of reasons, and mental health had reached an all time low. I went to a doctor and started some new medicines, which helped, slowly, and after about four months on them, I was able to function somewhat normally again a bit. That's when I found Twitch and really threw myself into streaming, modding, and Discord, communicating with people that way. It helped me pull myself back out a lot faster and basically reset my mental health meter to normal much more quickly and stay balanced, with fewer slips. I still had a few day to day struggles with things, like remembering to eat, something I had gotten out of the habit of doing much of, or really at all, when my mood swung started to slip. It had been nearly a year, really, since I had eaten normally, if I'm being honest. That means, as of writing this, in February of 2019, it's been over two years of me having little to no appetite, often skipping meals or forcing myself to eat just one meal a day. I had a lot of medical treatments in there too that made me nauseated and I threw up anything I did eat. Sadly, I never lost a large amount of weight and I am still rather overweight. I did lose some, not that I was really trying to at any point, I just haven't had the appetite or desire to eat anything and facing for often seems like too much for me.

Twitch helped me find people with similar interests and helped me find new areas I was able to absolutely shine in. It didn't matter that my legs didn't work normally, I had a natural talent for keeping communities in line as a moderator on streams for other people. So what if I was a bit overweight? I could make badges and emotes that people liked. Who cared if I struggled with shyness in person? The internet was a great buffer and it meant I never actually saw who I was talking to directly in my streams. I was just talking to names. And yes, sadly I did get trolls. But not that many really, compared to a lot of women I've talked to. I figured it was just soemthing I'd have to live with. Mostly I got them early in my streaming career and they came in and heckled me about my weight, I kicked them out and it was over, I moved on, no harm no foul. I mostly even forgot about them pretty immediately. They didn't leave any lasting impact on me because as I said, I've been hearing that kind of comment, or ones like it all my life.

The trolling I got last week on Wednesday night was different though. For the first time ever it was very sexual in nature. It made me extremely uncomfortable. There were three trolls involved as well. The first was fairly harmless, just egging the second on, who I warned several times, then timed out and eventually banned. The third crossed several lines and has caused me so much emotional and mental distress I have been struggling with severe relapses of my major depressive disorder, PTSD, and even dissociating, which my family doesn't know about. I don't know how to tell them about it. They think it's just me spacing out or my mind wandering, not that I'm literally unable to answer and I lose chunks of time, even if I've answered. I didn't even realize I had been dissociating again until a friend told me he had said things to me and I couldn't recall any of those conversations, nor most of the evening really. I realized I had large gaps in my memory of what had been going on with small breaks in the fog that were clear, what usually happend when I'm having my episodes, and I knew I had to do something. I had to take a step back. I don't dissociate unless something is seriously wrong, obviously.

Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering just what happpened that triggered me so badly that night. I'll explain. First, those two trolls shook me up pretty badly. Like I said, I'm extremely introverted and streaming is already a struggle for me a lot of the time, even if I put on a good front and can act like it's no big deal. Inside, I'm terrified. It wears be down and wears me out. Dealing with trolls in my own stream is hard on me. (On other people's channels, I have no problems, when I'm the mod. I know it's my job and they trust me to handle things.) Secondly, there was a later troll who came into the stream who sent me a direct message, without ever addressing the stream, asking me personal questions like what I was wearing, then trying to buy my panties for insanely large amounts of money. That triggered my PTSD very badly. In college, I had had a guy attempt to sexually assulat me and call me a whore, offering me increasing large amounts of money, much the same way. I only got away because I kicked him off me and screamed for campus security, who heard me and hauled him off. I never told my family about it, mainy because I hate talking about it and don't want to bring it up. I will say though, I don't think he was getting up quickly from my kick at the time. It was before I was in a wheelchair and I had a very powerful set of legs and actively practiced kickboxing. But regardless of that, it triggered me very, very badly the other night, and I'm still suffering occassion episodes. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled very soon, and I intend on talking to her about what to do then, if things haven't gotten back to normal by then, but in the mean time, I'm immersing myself in my usually stress relieving activities and taking a short break from Twitch and twitter to get my mental health back in order.

Sadly one of the side effects of all the mental health issues I struggle with is terrible insomnia. It means many nights I'm unable to sleep, or sleep only a few hours. I know it makes my friends and family worry, but I can't help it. It's all my brain is letting me get. I nap when I can. If I try to sleep more, I have horrible, terrifying nightmares and sleep paralysis. I also just can't sleep. I'm really trying to do my best here everyone. Please know that. I appreciate the worry. Just know I'm still here, struggling on, one day at a time. That's the real meaning behind #PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) after all. Just doing my best, moving forward a day at time and not giving up. It's also why I try to pay it forward as much as I can and make sure everyone else is happy and taken care of too. Stay safe and happy everyone. I love you all!

QueenGeekRose

#pma #real life struggles #dissociation #ptsd #mental health #major depressive disorder #coping #handling setbacks

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buy-me-a-color-tv · 3 years

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hello ✨

i‘d really like to continue our conversation but i can’t think of anything else except that interview. i‘ve been trying to wrap my brain around how the royal family is so full of elitist and racist assholes and how there were literally only ever two good people in that family, diana and her younger son. i just know she‘s looking at them from up there and that she is proud of harry and meg!! jesus. i watched a short synopsis of the interview this morning and it left me speechless, seething, shaking with anger. i feel so so sorry for meg and i have a very strong urge to burn down buckingham palace and i feel like every single person on tumblr would help me. jesus i just - there are no words. fuck lizzie and her entourage.

anyway

i hope your dinner went well!! i‘m adulting very hard right now as well, had a practical course the last two weeks about histology and identifying different types of cells like cancerous growths and i LOVED it (was very exhausting tho which is why i‘m only just writing you now). plus i got to see my friends and even with masks and distance, we were all so happy to see each other!! it‘s been a while since my whole life was pure happiness but the last two weeks definitely were!

i‘m sure you‘ll do just fine with your bachelor‘s thesis - even better probably!! i decided to wait until the next winter semester since i‘m still short a few credit points and i don‘t want to overwork myself too much - especially since most of my lectures have already confirmed to be online next semester too and this is something that drains me so much, i can‘t even say. i have never studied so much and retained so little information than the last two semesters. it‘s been a whole ass nightmare and i dread doing it again (and again, who knows?)

i feel you so much! winter blues? who is she?? the sun‘s been shining almost everyday where i live with temperatures up to 20 degrees celcius so i even studied on my balcony a little which was AWESOME.

the situation with covid is a bit of a mess right now. the numbers are going up but restrictions are going down and i‘m kinda angry about it. i don‘t get it. why couldn’t they have waited until mid april or so because by then at least half the population should have had their first vaccine shot but well, old white men in places of power, y‘know?

i found out that surgical masks, especially the ones with the metal pieces on the nose work best to avoid fog!

aaaah i‘m so happy for you!! congrats on passing your exams!! i am really proud of you and i‘m crossing my fingers that you‘ll get your thesis done well and find an excellent well paying job ✨✨ you absolutely deserve it!

oh jesus, my posts from my first tumblr years would just make me cringe, i‘d rather not look at them 😁 i was just a heart broken little baby teenager with parent-issues and lots of insecurities and i‘m SO glad i left that little dude behind. they were a mess and while i still adore them for making me who i am, i‘d rather not see all the shit their brain came up with 😆

i‘m once again off to study because as you might know, uni never rests and exams just keep coming 🙈

wishing you a good week full of happiness and good vibes!! take care of yourself 💕

yours,

🍫🍫

Hi there 💗

Oh god yes I feel exactly the same. The sad thing is nobody is really surprised by any of this not after how they handled Diana and also how they didn't speak out against the press 2 years ago. I'm just so happy for H&M, they can start a better life now and I wish them all the positivity they need.

My dinner went very well - and wow that sounds super interesting! I'm glad you loved it as well! And yeah I feel you with the friends thingy. I wish I could see mine but a lot of them live a bit further away and it's harder to meet during lockdown when nothing's open and all you can do is take long walks 🤭 but one of them made the journey two times during the last two weeks and I'm supper happy she did. We had a good time, cooked and watched a lot of football, so it was really nice ☄️.

God yes. Studying online over the last year was exhausting and draining and you're absolutely right I feel like I haven't retained any information so far. At least not anything useful. Thanks to a calculation error I've actually got all the credits I need so I'm really just missing my thesis right now 🙈 but there's news on that as well. Sadly the professor I initially asked doesn't have any spaces left for this summer semester, so right now I'm back to trying to find a new one while simultaneously gathering more information about my topic and writing a rough summary.

We've got a lot of cold sun in the last weeks and it's been pretty nice so far. I tried to go for a walk or run nearly everyday so I get some fresh air and movement which also helped a lot. 🦋 And speaking of covid, yeah it's been messy here too. Numbers going up and down and shops slowly opening - I don't think it's time for that yet but god I am tired of staying inside my flat the whole time. So yeah I went shopping this Wednesday, but it was super weird so I didn't stay long at all - it feels kinda wrong to just go back to 'normal' after such a long time. So more staying at home until I get that vaccination 🤭😅

I just went back to not wearing glasses 😂 sunglasses are fine but with my normal ones I guess I'll always struggle. But the ones with metal pieces are definitely working the best so far!

I'm super happy as well 🥺 just glad I got all of them out of the way now! I don't know if you remember but I told you about that lip infection a few weeks ago right? And I thought with antibiotics it would get better and dissappear in the end? Well no 😩 it got worse again and in the end they told me that it's a cyst that doesn't seem to go away, so on Wednesday they had to cut it out. It took wayyyy longer than expected because that thing was also bigger than they thought. I've got stitches inside my lip now and it's super annoying because they hurt and I still feel tired from the anesthetic. Sleeping and eating are also hard - so I'm being miserable since Wednesday 😂😪 I just really really hope that after next week I don't have to worry about that anymore.

Anyways you didn't ask for any medical information but it's been exhausting around here 🤭 I also have a kinda love/hate relationship with my past self? That girl only felt alone and needed somebody who would tell her that's everything is going to be alright and that questioning one's sexuality is absolutely okay - even if it takes you years or it never stops 🤍 but in the end it worked out and I am grateful as well. And I like to think my younger self would be damn proud of who I am today!

I wish you a wonderful week, lots of sunshine and good vibes ☀️☺️ and I apologise in advance for all the f1 content on this blogs but winterbreak is finally over 😅

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

#🍫 it's the chocolate anon tag #If anything doesn't make sense I just blame it on the anesthetic #Bc boy oh boy I'd didn't even tell you about the meds I need to take 3 times a day #So yeah #Pain medication high incoming 🤭#But once again thank you for listening 🤍🤍#Missed you a lot

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theradicalscrivener · 7 years

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So. This month is going to be one of recovery pretty much. I’m recovered (mostly) from my bout with pneumonia. I’m gonna be working on writing some the next few days when I have a chance, but shaking off this funk is proving harder than I imagined. I just can’t seem to focus on anything. I dunno how much of that is just me being out of the habit of writing daily and how much of that is me being off my antidepressants for almost 2 months now, but I’ll work through it. The good news is I finally have an appointment to see the doc on Wednesday so I should be getting back into that stuff here soon. It’ll probably take me a few weeks to actually feel any different though.

Anyway this was a bit of a wake up call for me. I was sick for over 2 months and bed-ridden for over a month of it. If I had done the smart thing and taken time off and seen a doctor early on when it was just a flu it wouldn’t have been so bad, but I forced myself to keep working two jobs (three if you count writing) and my health kept deteriorating. It eventually got to the point where I had to go into the ER because I was coughing so much that I actually started to cough up blood and that’s when I get x-rays done and got officially diagnosed with pneumonia. That was almost 2 weeks ago, and I basically slept through the entire time period between now and then. Now that I’m feeling better than I have in months it’s time to pick up the pieces and try to get back on track.

first order of business was to get my hours at Target lowered because it became obvious I was working more than my body could take. This means money will be tight (doubly so since I had to take over a week off for the afore mentioned pneumonia coma), but I think it’ll be better in the long run. I’m gonna use the extra time to write more and get back to the gym. I haven’t gone at all in the past 2 months due to being sick and I’ve gotten super chubby and that annoys me to no end. Hopefully getting back into working out will help with the low energy I’ve had lately among other things.

Also for better or for worse I won’t be taking classes this semester. I completely missed the registration period/ first week or so of classes due to the illness, and it’s probably for the best that I am not taking classes during the coming fourth quarter crunch anyway. I might take on an online course, but I’ll have to look into if that will count or not first.

So back to writing, first order of business is to finish up a few pieces I owe other people, and after that I’ll work on new stuff. I have a buncha stuff I want to do, I just have to actually do it now. Shaking this fog that seems to have clouded my mind is proving difficult, but hopefully I’ll break this writer’s block/brain fog soon.

#ziel talks

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