#that’s my strong gut feeling atm…which is. frustrating | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ldn-thunder · 7 years

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so B and I broke up like a week ago. idk I was in hell for two days but now im actually doing okay?? idk why tho cause I honestly thought I was gonna die when we realized things weren't gonna work out.... I didn't wanna have any contact for at least a month and im already noticing how much time I can spend on things I like doing, I even joined this feminist political youth organization and im starting up this radical feminist magazine etc and yeah idk the extra time and mental space are really nice to have. I still miss his guts sometimes but I havent cried since Monday I think, which is such an achievement cause normally I'd cry every day for at least 3 hours. also idk I just don't miss him as much as I expected to. I can't handle thinking about him having sex or w/e with other people but yeah, thats all tbh. and also the thought of myself having sex with other people... it weird me out.. how’s that gonna go?.... also kind of looking forward to that tbh but maybe thats because I havent had sex in a long time and I masturbate multiple times a day thinking about someone eating me out...

sometimes I still feel kinda frustrated but thats cause the reason we broke up is cause he doesn't have any time and I doubted he was still in love with me cause he’d ‘forget’ to message me or just didn't really want to make time and he preferred having a free Sunday instead of us meeting up, so I understand my own feeling of being replaced with his class and school and whatever but I don't wanna legitimize it cause I trust him having TRULY tried to keep our relationship going. he said he loved me and he wanted to stay in contact and he said that all he wanted was me staying with him. I still don't know what to think of that tbh... like did he? idk... but I feel like I should trust that cause at that moment outside of the music theatre, we were both being really honest and those words are the last words he told me irl so I want to keep that in mind... (I couldn't do it, I couldn't stay with him cause I needed to get my own life back on track and having my own life as a priority, just like he did.. but I guess he’s just more experienced in relationships and stuff cause I honestly don't want an imbalanced relationship and he noticed it waaay earlier than I did and I also want to live my own life and be baffled and overwhelmed by my own things and not have like a second-hand experience of life cause I think thats very unhealthy)

I really don't know what to expect of what we’re gonna be like when we meet up... like idk if I see us being just friends... not like having sex and everything (ok ok maybe that too) but also like.. us both accepting the other one to move on, having other really intense relationships, not seeing each other very often and stuff. at the same time when we broke up I was secretly hoping we were gonna do it like last year, when we didn't see each other for 2 months and then meeting up and then going really steady for like 7 months. but I know its not gonna happen cause 1. atm I actually feel like I can move on if I want to and I want to grab that chance 2. he also told me he thought of that possibility but felt like this time its not gonna be like that

i have to admit I started thinking about M a few times a day which I think is way too soon so I keep pushing it away... even tho I know he’d probably want to meet up w/ me if I just asked... and I kind of get happy of the thought of seeing him again... but I DONT WANNA THINK ABOUT IT cause I don't want to keep swinging between M and B, I want to move on

(I never wrote in down on here but just for the context and everything: on July 22 M messaged me to ask me if I wanted to meet up... yup, really....)

(even tho like last time I did laughing gas the two people who popped up in my head were B and M and I felt like they were both really important to me even in different ways.. which is even twice as weird when I think of B telling me he also did laughing gas at the same evening with his classmates and he told me he also had these questions of what and who are essential in his life and I was one of them...)

anyways I feel like im exploring this different part of life or like a new way of living and I feel really strong and empowered.

also now im typing this out I feel like I should write more on this cause its a way of processing things, plus these are things I want to remember and I know my own memory is quite bad...

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