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freetheshit-outofyou · 3 years

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Real talk Fuckers: I’m Beat Up

I have written, deleted and rewritten this a dozen times now over the last few weeks. I get half of it typed out and get lost on where I was going, on what I was trying to work out….Maybe this time I’ll get through it. I’m depressed, not like I had a shit day or week depressed but something broke inside and I can’t seem to work out how to get to where the problem is and fix it. It is now effecting my wife and kids. Others have noticed who don’t live here. Today while I was out, friends who live 140 miles away dropped by to give me these flowers and chocolate. I was not here so they left them on the porch and I feel like shit for missing them. I mean how do I deserve people in my life who are willing to drive 280+ miles round trip just to say high and drop of some flowers?

I have been depressed before, who hasn’t but I have always been able to trace back to the root of why, not this time. I have not gone this dark since I got TBI in 2006. Even then I know it was from a lost of part of me, a lost of guys I Served with, I had a reason. I have not lost anyone in a long time, my Bride and I have built a good life where our wants our small and our kids are taken care of. But about 6 weeks ago something happened, something pushed me into this place I am having a very hard time getting out of. I contacted the VA, they cannot get me an appointment for 27 more days, the Vat Center where I preferred going, is back logged and are not assigning new folks at this time. My Buddy “SPC Ford” who is a VA crisis care hotline counselor has been keeping tabs on me because even he’s worried. When I first noticed me sliding into this funk I sent up a few flags, and I got things back like “It’s that time of year. It’s a seasonal funk, you’ll be fine.”, “It’s just one of those things, you’ll get through it.”, and “Toughen up, you’ve been though worse.” I mean fuck I have been through worse, I have literally had the blood of my friends in my mouth, friends who are no longer here kind of bad days and I lived through it. I am writing this not to get a “Chin up. Tits Out. Onward” pat on the back or a pep talk I’m putting it out there that men get depressed. When we send flags up or reach out for help it’s because we feel we need it and “Toughen the fuck up,” really isn’t going to help. If someone says they need help, if they imply they need help, if they have deviated from the person you have known, give them a solid buddy check. You don’t want to blow that “spidy sense” off and then they are gone. I will weather this, It sucks but I will prevail because I cannot foresee any other path forward for myself, it just hurts a lot right now.

#depression #buddy check

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idkguessiwillbloghere · 3 years

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Blog Post #5

Feeling: Okay Weather: Cloudy and rainy Last thing I ate: Grapefruit Last thing I drank: Water I saw my therapist today. We discovered that I’m enabling bad behaviors in my interactions with my friends, which is helpful to know. He gave me tips on how to identify it as I interact with them, and when I should start avoiding it/changing it to a healthier response. That’ll be very relieving; I don’t have many friends, and the few I do have are usually in constant crisis like I am, so I’m always trying to help. But it gets to a point where all the advice and support I can give has been laid out, and they still catastrophize. That’s been so draining on me, and he mentioned that this is the point where I ought to set more boundaries for myself. I appreciate this advice greatly, I badly needed it. We didn’t get to my traumas today, like I thought we would, but he said in the next month, we’ll likely get there. He’s getting me into healthy habit-building at the moment, where I start dealing with my trauma responses in the moment instead of letting them stagnate. I’m hungry. I’m making spaghetti at the moment, which I greatly look forward to. It’ll be my first big meal for the day. I might make steak later, Idk. But I’m just working on getting some food in me, and otherwise watching Family Guy again and playing Sims 4. I also aim to exercise a bit after getting some more food in me. I’ve been waiting for a response to my job request; I’ve never had any issues getting a job before, but it looks like COVID has changed that. The only place that responded wasn’t completely forthcoming in their ad; the ad, AND their website, said they worked with “troubled youth,” which to me means “oppositional defiance disorder,” maybe getting in trouble with the law sometimes. I get there, and they admit that they don’t share certain info because of the discrimination they catch for it; turns out it’s a rehab center for kids who are rapists, murderers, so on. Something I’m all for and would’ve been happy to do my best at, but they were looking for people with medical backgrounds, which I don’t have. It was really frustrating that they wasted weeks of my time because of that shit. I wouldn’t’ve even applied if I’d know, ‘cause I know I’m not qualified. Tonight might be another night for an indica pill. I don’t smoke, my lungs can’t take it, but I sometimes take an indica pill so I can relax enough for my sleep meds to work. It was taking me ages to fall asleep last night, so I eventually relented and took one. It worked super well, like always, I just don’t like that it’s the only way I’ve found that gets me to sleep and keeps me that way. Hopefully it’s something that will be worked on in the future, with my therapist. I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I’ve been having a horrible headache that doesn’t really go away; I know that having a TBI makes me more prone to brain cancer and shit like that, I’ve been trying to get my doctor to check it out for months now; it was taking so long that they finally gave me the number to the neurologist they were gonna recommend me, and I called the neurologist, left a message, and never heard back. Now I’m just demanding an MRI so I can verify it’s not a mass, and of course I need a doctor’s note for that. So that’s hopefully what I’ll get tomorrow. I haven’t been able to think normally; when I try turning my whole brain on, I instantly get a roaring headache, and that’s never happened before. I don’t have high hopes. I don’t even have high hopes for the appointment tomorrow, I honestly just expect to be jerked around more. I’m just gonna be adamant about getting their permission for an MRI. I’m scared, and I feel like the whole medical system is fucking me over, but I’m trans in the USA, and of course you can never be accepted in any other country/s healthcare system if you don’t live there, so I’m fucked. Here’s to hoping that whatever it is isn’t terminal or crippling.

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themotivationalpenpal · 4 years

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U r not stuck @ home, u can work... u can do so many things. Just limit yourself on watching TV. It’s not a bad thing to watch an hr. But make sure u set a timer on anything u do that isn’t ⚙️ed towards something that will improve your life. Life improvements are the only improvements I want 2 talk about because it’s Sunday. I’m still being productive. I’m in the snow yes, but I want to live this life. This life is ideal for me. I’m comfortable, being uncomfortable!! I’m not sure about u but I’ll say 1 thing, life is short & if ur comfortable u better somehow make urself uncomfortable. I try 2 write a to-do list before I sleep or the day before. I make it routine, I just implemented “cold 🚿” everysingle morning. I didn’t look forward to it in the beginning, but damn I find myself getting excited becuz its uncomfortable. I started w/ 30 seconds, this morning I staid in the cold shower (keep in mind in a 73* 🏡) for 1 minute 20 seconds. I find doing things that at first make u uncomfortable soon start to turn into habits. That’s why I say limit yourself on watching Netflix dont create a habit out of it. I said earlier make your habit something that u can improve yourself on & watch yourself grow. People have different takes on how they want to improve themselves. Some say, they bundle information inside of their heads. Others, like me realize that death is imminent & I don’t care what people think about me, so if I have 2 go thro each & everyday doing work for someone else that will make them that much happier w/ no benefit, I WILL. I’ve realized that I am humble if u meet me. I am not humble when it comes 2 humanitarian crisis & bringing the world together. I have said I don’t want to b forgotten, becuz I almost was & that shit woke me TF up. So live ur life on your terms not ANY1 else’s. If your bro, sis, cousin, unc, aunt, mother, father. dont support u. Well ignore them, it’s so much easier said then done. But it’s funny I say that becuz in my own family who I thought would be my biggest supporter ended up saying “I think it’s a bad idea”. Now keep in mind this person burns bridges quite easily. Much like I did after my TBI. So u pick, be a hater or get on🚂 https://www.instagram.com/p/B-nkAYGjCZ-/?igshid=15lfhxlay6wyr

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