#tasks so nothing ever gets done and im too intimidated to start learning things. and when im trying to learn we habe the processing words

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#let me express to u perhaps The frustration of my life #i like to learn. it is perhaps my favorite thing. new information. more more more constantly #but. my fucking brain is the fucking worst. because im not fucking stupid if i can focus and process the words being said i can understand #many things. i like to learn about math and physics and chemistry and biology and anatomy... ect concepts #but the focus and the processing of words is where we have problems. because i cannot focus for more than like 5min #i blink and suddenly ive been spaced out for a sec and need to reorient. i cant prioritize what to do 1st and im constantly bouncing betwee #tasks so nothing ever gets done and im too intimidated to start learning things. and when im trying to learn we habe the processing words #problem. like my reading comprehension is so fucking bad. like i will read a book on paper and maybe retain 25% of the info if im not #hardcore trying. for a class where i had to do a ton of paper reading. i had to read everything out loud to myself. highlight important #info. write myself a summary based on the highlights and then read the paper again before i could even begin to feel comfortable in #discussions. it was so fucking frustrating and miserable. ppl will give me physical books and im like thanks i cant fucking read sorry #too fucking dyslexic. read and listen they say. u have to read and listen at the same time bc i cant pay attention and i cant read #so if i do both then maybe the info gets in. thats y i have to read aloud but i hate it and still get distracted #i mean. i probably just have an attention problem. its also really annoying that my short term working memory is so awful #bc in order to make things make sense i have to draw or write them out. i cant judt go off the top of my head or i get stuck saying thr sam #thing over and over and over. its like my ability to think is extremely shallow. but thrn i read papers and recognize concepts from classes #i took years ago and im like. fucking y cant i know what i know? my head feels so empty but info is in there somewhere #its just so fucking frustrating that i love understanding systems so much. complex annoying little systems that fit together like a puzzle #and my fucking brain refuses to accept the information im trying to get in there. so i return to a remark left on my dyslexia assignment: #intelligent when not constrained by language or time. thanks. unfortunately language is how ppl communicate #also i freak out under time pressure lol. anyway ive just been reading papers for fun this weekend and remembering y i dont: bc its agony #but also i fucking love the concepts so much and i need a good understanding of photosynthesis before August when i join a photosynthesis #lab lmao. ugh. i love learning but my brain was not buildmt #built for it. if only if only someone could podcast about the obscure things im interested in while reading directly from the source #unrelated #also its like 105 degrees plus. its too fucking hot out #thats like 40 degrees C. the sun is like a death ray

[daddyssluttyprincesa]

I realize and think a lot. I self analyze and am painfully self aware. I use it to drive me forward. But many many times I am wrong or unlearning behavior or retraining my mind. I dont prefer to do things small. I invest. I push. I love. but i also intimidate, make myself overly vulnerable, and push other peoples boundaries.

Every day I learn more about love and more about... well everything, life. I feel however that so much is on warp speed to teach me because I have lost 20 years or more of teachable moments. Priorities... boundaries, friendships, relationships, red flags, abusive situations, safety, and so on. How to function as an adult, parent, ans love my kids and myself properly. Self care. self compassion. And it all takes boundless energy. Without my lover's arms to collapse into or cock to make love to, so much learning or building upon other things i have begun to learn in the last 1 to 4 years, can be intense or upsetting. But standing alone is also freeing. But i get scared that its how it will always be, and so im learning to listen to and for his voice. Because Im not alone and need to start acting like it.

There is so much of myself that i want to give him, to Daddy. but my mind cant wrap aroubd it all, anlayze it, and since i dont know how to enjoy most aspects of life... it adds further complexity to the sotuation and everything ir most things i do either seem forced or are forced. It isnt intentional, but most is how i learned to survive and seriously need to work on that with a trauma therapist. Because i have nothing to fear and i know it. Even the way he teaches me how to stand strongly and fiercely on my two feet and use my voice is proof of that. I keep saying I love and trust him but i always find a new part of me that ive held back or had some distorted version of reality in. Fear is primal for me. Can I remember the first time i was truly afraid? What about feeling unloved? But i cant untie the pieces in my mind to give him all abandon. But sometimes when I think about it, im finally realizing it doesnt work that way. We arent making up for the 20 years of life that we could have known each other but lost, we are facing the today and the tomorrow together. we dont have to replace or change the past, but make sure we are being active in today and accomplishing the task of living authetically and loving fully. and then some, but the only thi g held in the past is that it is where we and our children and our scars were created. We saw our strength and our boundaries. We learned what we want and dont want. But none of that needs to have the power to destroy today, which is Gods greatest gift to us besides each other and of course our children and time overall.

i hold the past like weights chained to me and want someone to take them off and dress my wounds. to show me i dont have to suffer anynore. And he has done that and he does it every day right be4 my eyes usually and yet i still get scared, sad, or just overwhelmed by something (mostly myself). Then i worry i wont be enough or grow quick enough to fulfill him and our relationship. But every day that passes i am starting to run quicker and qucker. and from where i am and what i see and feel, im actually running to him, to his arms. and i think one of the biggest fears is that by the time i get there his arms will be crossed and folded across his chest. But im running. God am i running. Running with tears streaming down my face and my heart full of love and passion fo him. I can taste him and feel him and it inspires me to run even faster. But am i moving at all? I have to keep documenting my progress so that i can see it and i keep needing his love and loving reminders and gentle guidance when it can be gentle. Because Im running. Im running to him and I want him to be either there with outstretched arms or find his joy and outstretched arms. Every day i wake up to less clouds and more blue skies. Every day I find smiling and grpwing and functioning easier. But every day I need Daddy. And yet every day i panic at least for just a moment. But every day i also try to trust and have faith in sooo much. Im starting to run even faster to him or towards him when i get spooked or afraid. But it doesnt change some things. And rightly so. But nothing will ever change my love and heart for him. And now i need to show it, fully. If i have no reason to fear him why cant i seperate my fear of humanity from the one who will not hurt me? it is wrong to him and im not even comparing him anymore, but i get stuck. But hes always there. I just hope i dont wear him out. Id rather pull back than wear him out, regardless of how much i need soneone. and its why i keep asking many tines daily to be sure hes not only okay, but that im fulfilling him in many ways and that im not too much.