#t.j x omc | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

quierorodarnojodan · 3 years

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Estábamos bromeando con un amigo @mcdonneeli sobre que tenemos muchos ships similares si no casi todos, pero que irónicamente ambos nos peleamos por el mismo pj a usar y por eso jamás podemos rolear las ships xDD entonces me puse hacer la lista a ver que dice mi compatriota desalmado.

Anime/Manga

Axis Power Hetalia

Alemania x Norte De Italia

Austria x Hungría [♥]

Dinamarca x Noruega

España x Sur De Italia

Prussia x Hungría

Prussia x Austria [♥]

Bleach

Ichigo Kurosaki x Uryuu Ishida [♥]

Ikkaku Madarame x Yumichika Ayasegawa

Kyouraku Shunsui x Ukitake Jyuushirou [♥]

Carole & Tuesday

Carole Stanley x Tuesday Simmons

Cyborg 009

Jet Link (002) x Albert Heinrich (004)

Digimon

Ishida Yamato x Yagami Taichi [♥]

Dragon Ball

Goku x Vegeta

Durarara!!

Celty Sturluson x Kishitani Shinra

Kadota Kyohei x Izaya Orihara

Fairy Tails

Levy McGarden x Gajeel Redfox

FullMetal Alchemist

Maes Hughes x Roy Mustang [♥]

Get Backers

Kakei Juubei & Fuuchouin Kazuki

Haikyuu!!

Ooikawa Tooru x Iwaizumi Hajime

Haru wo Daiteita

Kato Youji x Iwaki Kyosuke [♥]

Hunter x Hunter

Hisoka x Illumi Zoldyck

Leorio Paladiknight x Kurapika [♥]

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure

Joseph Joestar x Caesar Zeppeli

Jotaro Kujo x Noriaki Kakyoin [♥]

Mohammed Abdul x Jean Pierre Polnareff

Kuroko no Basket

Atsushi Murasakibara x Tatsuya Himuro

Kiyoshi Teppei x Makoto Hanamiya [♥]

Midorima Shintaro x Takao Kazunari [♥]

Naruto

Uzumaki Naruto x Uchiha Sasuke

Hatake Kakashi x Umino Iruka [♥]

Haruno Sakura x Yamanaka Ino

One Piece

Eustass Kid x Trafalgar D. Law

Roronoa Zoro x Vinsmoke Sanji

Saint Seiya

Manigoldo x Albafika [♥]

Hyoga x Shun

Sailor Moon

Kunzite x Zoisite

Michiru Kaiō x Haruka Tenou

Sakura Card Captor

Touya Kinomoto x Yukito Tsukishiro [♥]

Shingeki no Kyojin

Erwin Smith x Levi Rivaille

Marco Bott X Jean Kirstein

The Prince of Tennis

Inui Sadaharu x Kaidou Kaoru [♥]

Tiger & Bunny

Kotetsu Kaburagi x Barnaby Brooks Jr.

Uragiri wa Boku no Namae wo Shitteiru

Hotsuma Renjou x Shusei Usui [♥♥♥]

Cartoons

Adventure Time

Marceline Abadeer x Princess Bubblegum

Marshall Lee x Prince Gumball

Avatar: the Last Airbender

Jet x Zuko [♥]

Ed, Edd n Eddy

Kevin x Edd (Doble D)

Generador Rex

Rex Salazar x Noah Nixon [♥]

Happy Tree Friends

Lumpy x Russell

Shifty x Lifty

Splendid x Flippy

Scooby-Doo

Daphne Blake x Velma Dinkley

The Dragon Prince

Rey Harrow x Viren

The Legend of Korra

Korra x Asami Sato

Iroh II x Bolin

Voltron

Takashi "Shiro" Shirogane x Adam [♥]

Xiaolin Showdown

Chase Young x Jack Spicer

Series

9-1-1

Edmundo "Eddie" Diaz x Evan "Buck" Buckley [♥]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Angel (Angelus) x Spike (William) [♥]

Willow Rosenberg x Tara Maclay

Carmilla

Carmilla Karnstein x Laura Hollis

Class

Matteusz Andrzejewski x Charlie Smith

Common Law

Travis Marks x Wes Mitchell [♥]

Cobra Kai

Daniel LaRusso x Johnny Lawrence

Deadwind (Karppi)

Sofia Karppi x Sakari Nurmi

Downton Abbey

Tom Branson x Thomas Barrow

Richard Ellis x Thomas Barrow

Eyewitness

Lukas Waldenbeck x Philip Shea

Grey's Anatomy

Mark Sloan x Derek Shepherd

Hannibal

Hannibal Lecter x Will Graham

Hawaii Five-0

Danny Williams x Steve McGarret [♥]

Hemlock Grove

Peter Rumancek x Roman Godfrey [♥]

How to Get Away with Murder

Oliver Hampton x Connor Walsh

Iron Fist

Danny Rand x Ward Meachum [♥♥]

Julie and the Phantoms

Alex x Willie

Las chicas del cable

Francisco Gómez x Carlos Cifuentes [♥]

LazyTown

Sportacus x Robbie Rotten

London Spy

Alex x Danny

Merlin

Arhur Pendragone x Merlin

Once Upon a Time

Regina Mills x Emma Swan

Regina Mills x Robin Hood

Shadow and Bone

Aleksander / The Darkling x Kaz Brekker

Jasper Fahey x Kaz Brekker

Star Trek

James T. Kirk x Spock

Leonard MCCoy x Spock

Malcolm Reed x Charles "Trip" Tucker III

Stranger Things

Billy Hargrove x Steve Harrington

Teen Wolf

Derek Hale x Stiles Stilinski

The Alienist

Laszlo Kreizler x John Moore

The Boys

Billy Butcher x Homelander (John)

The Irregulars

Billy x Leopold

Sherlock Holmes x John Watson

The Order

Hamish Duke x Randall Carpio

The Umbrella Academy

Diego Hargreeves x Klaus Hargreeves

The Walking Dead

Daryl Dixon x Rick Grimes

The Witcher

Geralt de Rivia x Jaskier

Torchwood

Jack Harkness x Ianto Jones [♥]

Travelers

Trevor Holden x Philip Pearson

Vampire Diaries

Alaric Saltzman x Damon Salvatore

Warehouse 13

Helena G. Wells x Myka Bering

Películas

Cloud Atlas

Rufus Sixsmith x Robert Frobisher

Sonmi-451 x Hae-Joo Chang

Inception

Eames x Robert Fischer

Dom Cobb x Robert Fischer

Richie Tozier x Eddie Kaspbrak

James Bond

James Bond x Q [♥]

Rise of the Guardians

Sandman x Pitch Black

Star Wars

Baze Malbus x Chirrut Îmwe

Poe Dameron x Armitage Hux [♥]

The Old Guard

'Joe' Yusuf Al-Kaysani x 'Nicky' Nicolo di Genova

The Road to El Dorado

Tulio x Miguel

U.N.C.L.E.

Napoleon Solo x Illya Kuryakin

Libros

Harry Potter

Albus Dumbledore x Gellert Grindelwald [♥]

Harry Potter x Draco Malfoy

Blaise Zabini x Theodore Nott [♥]

Pansy Parkinson x Daphne Greengrass [♥]

James Potter x Severus Snape [♥]

Sirius Black x Remus Lupin

Shadowhunters

Magnus Bane x Alexander G. Lightwood

The Raven Cycle

Ronan Lynch x Adam Parrish

Richard Gansey III x Blue Sargent

Comics

DC Comics

Apollo x Midnighter

Clark Kent x Bruce Wayne [♥]

Diana Prince x Steve Trevor

Garfield Logan x Rachel Roth

Hal Jordan x Barry Allen

Pamela Isley x Harleen Quinzel

Jason Todd x Dick Grayson [♥]

Maggie Sawyer x Kate Kane

Roy Harper x Dick Grayson

Cassandra Cain x Stephanie Brown

Hernan Guerra x Kirk Langstrom

Michael Jon Carter x Ted Kord

Marvel

America Chavez x Kate Bishop

Azazel x Janos Quested

Gambit x Rogue

Erik Lehnsherr & Charles Xavier

Logan x Scott Summers [♥]

Natasha Romanoff x Bruce Banner

Shatterstar x Julio Richter (Rictor) [♥]

Steve Rogers x James B. Barnes [♥]

Theodore Altman x William Kaplan

Tony Stark x Loki Laufeyson [♥]

Vision x Wanda Maximoff

Wade Wilson x Peter Parker

Videojuegos

Assassin's Creed

Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad x Malik Al-Sayf [♥]

Ezio Auditore da Firenze x Leonardo Da Vinci

Bayonetta

Bayonetta x Jeanne

Detroit: Become Human

Captain Allen x Gavin Reed

Connor, RK800 x Gavin Reed [♥]

Elijah Kamski x Gavin Reed

Elijah Kamski x Leo Manfred [♥]

Kara, AX400 x Luther, TR400 [♥]

Markus, RK200 x Simon, PL600 [♥]

Nines, RK900 x Gavin Reed

North, WR400 x Chloe, ST200

Ralph, WR600 x Jerry, EM400

Simon, PL600 x Gavin Reed

Devil May Cry

Dante x Vergil [♥]

Nero x V

Final Fantasy VII

Cid Highwind x Vincent Valentine

Final Fantasy XII

Basch fon Ronsenburg x Balthier [♥♥♥]

Kingdom Hearts

Saïx x Axel

Metal Gear

Solidus Snake x Raiden

Overwatch

Gabriel Reyes x Jack Morrison

Resident Evil

Chris Redfield x Leon S. Kennedy [♥♥♥]

Claire Redfield x Moira Burton

Jake Muller x Leon S. Kennedy

Jill Valentine x Chris Redfield

Jill Valentine x Carlos Oliveira [♥♥]

Jill Valentine x Claire Redfield

Rebecca Chambers x Billy Coen

The Evil Within

Sebastian Castellano x Joseph Oda

Podcast

Welcome to Night Vale

Carlos x Cecil Palmer

Crossovers

Samurai Jack/Johnny Bravo

Johnny Bravo x Samurai Jack

Canon x Oc

Deadwind (Karppi)

OMC x Sakari Nurmi

Downton Abbey

OMC x Thomas Barrow

Locke & Key

Tyler Locke x OMC

OMC x Duncan Locke

Lost in Space

OMC x Don West

Pokemon

OMC x x James

The Dragon Prince

Soren x OMC

The Irregulars

OMC x John Watson

The Lord of the Rings

OMC x Legolas

Political Animals

OMC x Thomas James "T.J." Hammond

Resident Evil

Jake Muller x OMC

Star Trek

OMC x Julian Bashir

Warehouse 13

OMC x Steve Jinks

Wizards: Tales of Arcadia

OMC x Hisirdoux "Douxie" Casperan

Duplas de Actores

Aaron Paul x Hugh Dancy

Bradley James x Colin Morgan

Chris Evans x Sebastian Stan

Daniel Craig x Ben Whishaw

Daniel Sunjata x Aaron Tveit

Dominic Purcell x Wentworth Miller

Edward Holcroft x Ben Whishaw

Gabriella Pession x Richard Flood

Gabriel Macht x Patrick J. Adams

Hanno Koffler x Max Riemelt

Jamie Dornan x Cillian Murphy

Jensen Ackles x Jared Padalecki

Landon Liboiron x Bill Skarsgård

Mads Mikkelsen x Hugh Dancy

Matt Davis x Ian Somerhalder

Michael Fassbender x James McAvoy

Rami Malek x Martin Wallström

Scott Caan x Alex O'Loughlin

Shemar Moore x Matthew Gray Gubler

Tom Hardy x Cillian Murphy

46 notes · View notes

abovethesmokestacks · 7 years

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Make Me Feel Like I’m Real (5/7)

Title: Make Me Feel Like I’m Real Pairing: T.J Hammond x OMC Rating: General Audiences Warnings: swearing, increased hate for tabloids? Otherwise none Spoilers: spoilers for Political Animals (esp. the last couple of episodes)

I am so sorry I flaked out for MONTHS. I got caught with the nastiest flu ever in mid-November and didn’t shake it until week after New Years. In between better and worse periods of being sick, I had a very untimely case of writer’s block, so all in all a shitstorm as far as writing was concerned. Finally managed to finish this baby tonight, and I hope you all enjoy it! Let me know if you want in on the taglist.

TAG LIST: @loup-malin, @ursulaismymiddlename, @sarahsassafras13, @bakexprayxlove, @booksandshowsandmovies-ohmy, @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki,@lilasiannerd, @the-hidden-seeker, @bovaria, @ceebeetumbles, @the-scars-and-the-stripes, @smile-youlookbetterhappy, @captain-amelia-bradley, @mrshopkirk, @amrita31199, @winter-in-wakanda, @avengerofyourheart, @creideamhgradochas, @themcuhasruinedme, @feepsmoothie, @nuvoleincielo, @wellfuckbuck, @callamint, @tatortot2701, @mellifluous-melodramas

<< Chapter 4 | Chapter 6 >>

June 2014

”Please jailbreak me.”

”That bad?”

”I feel like I have ants crawling under my skin.”

”Do I say ‘you’ll be okay’? Or will that make it worse?”

”I hate myself.”

”I love you.”

”I don’t deserve it.”

”I still love you.”

”Please bake me a cake with a rasp inside it.”

”I’ll send you cupcakes and a $1 nail file.”

”How you holding up?”

”Okay, I guess.”

”Really?”

”No. I’m terrible. I remember exactly why I tried to halfass my way through it before.”

”But you won’t now?”

”I won’t. I promise.”

”I’m sorry.”

”What? What happened?”

”No! No, it’s-it’s a step. I should be doing this face to face, and I will, I just… I’m so sorry.”

”Oh.”

”A conversation for next week. Just… I don’t know. I wanted to get a head start.”

He returns home at the end of March.

Rehab was different this time. Same place, a couple of people he recognized from his previous stint, but this time T.J actually tried. Dutifully went to appointments, talked, reflected, fought, accepted. The first week was hell, as expected. One year apparently did very little to tame his cravings. He was commended for making it so far essentially without help, for returning to rehab, and when he stepped outside the doors to finally leave, he felt ready. He could do this. One day at a time.

And then he realizes he promised Aiden he’d call once he was home, and one day at a time becomes one second at a time. They’ve only spoken on the phone a handful of times, exchanged a couple of pictures. Trouble is huge now. The sensation of ants under his skin returns full force when T.J picks up his phone, and he can’t even bring himself to call. He scolds himself for being such a fucking chicken and sending a text.

>>Can I come over?

>>ofc

>>I missed you

>>me 2

Everything seems so amplified. He’s about to see his boyfriend for the first time after three months, for the first time since that night. The rehab welcomed him immediately, and T.J packed his bags, sending Aiden and his parents a short text from the cab. His mother called a couple of times during his stay, asking if he wanted them to visit. He declined her every time. It was better that way. He couldn’t fathom having to deal with himself at times, even less his family. Plus, things were getting serious on the campaign trail. Caucuses and rallies had kept Elaine busy. T.J didn’t want to interfere. Either way, it wasn’t his first rodeo.

His bags feel lighter as he dumps their content on the bed, sorting through the mess. Dirty clothes, toiletries, a notebook he got to keep track of all the things he wants to do, needs to do. It’s gotten to be a pretty extensive list. Smiling, T.J sets it on the bedside table. He’ll have to look through it later, see where he can start. It’s mostly amends, but he figures he can’t ignore them, not if he really wants this to stick.

When Aiden knocks on his door ten minutes later, T.J’s heart kicks into high gear. It’s… He realizes he’s scared. They are together, or so he fervently hopes. What if Aiden wants to take a break, the kind that always remains a break and never has a happy ending? T.J pulls at the sleeves of his henley, trudging out to answer the door. Aiden’s outside, smiling expectantly. It’s not the full-on grin that’s like the sun on a cold winter day, but it’s something. T.J’s heart is still beating hard, but it’s as if the other man’s presence calms it, however little.

”Hi.”

Yeah, it’s awkward, and if he didn’t know better, T.J would say he’s been transported back to high school. For what feels like hours there’s only tentative smiles and hands shoved into pockets before Aiden takes the first step. He brings T.J in for the tightest hug he’s had in three months ̶ three fucking months ̶ and it’s the best thing he’s ever experienced, he’s sure of it. It’s more than the sensation of being held tight; it’s the scent of Aiden that he would happily drown in, and just being home. Aiden presses a gentle kiss to his lips, and T.J can swear he’s flying. He’s home.

It’s not easy to be back, and it takes a couple of weeks for them to get back into the life they were right in the middle of before New Years. There’s the issue of T.J having to adapt to life post-rehab, taking the responsibility he never really bothered with the last time. There’s also, well, life. T.J has things he needs to do. He needs to leave the club, or at the very least renegotiate his position in the hierarchy. Aiden keeps busy, rehearsing with the orchestra for a month-long concert tour that, yes, has T.J worried. There’s also the issue of the election.

Preparations for the final stretch of the nomination process have been going on for a while, gathering support from delegates and maintaining their donor base. Sooner or later they will knock on his door, and he will be asked to do his part. He’s not sure if it will be easier or harder this time. It’s not him the spotlight will be on primarily, but with his history, he will be dragged into it plenty. The addict son of the Secretary of State, now second-time-Presidential candidate, and the former President, at least one suicide attempt, hospital visits that were swept under the rug, plenty of scandals to choose from. Yeah, what opposing candidate and newspaper would turn that down? It’s easier because he’s trying to stay clean, level-headed, and not fall apart at the slightest hint that he’s in trouble. And, he has Aiden by his side. It’s harder because he will have to deny himself the escape when the spotlight eventually stays too long on him and tries to burn him. And… he has Aiden by his side. The tabloid article that ran back in October was nothing compared to what might be published now. He’s not ashamed of Aiden, absolutely not. He just wishes he could shield him from the cruelty of the press.

Some of it is easy. T.J gets out of his club deal, no hard feelings (just an obscene amount of paperwork), and he continues his efforts to fulfill the program outside rehab. Making amends with Gunner has his stomach in knots, and he feels like he’s doing it wrong when the other man nods and pulls him in for a hug. He fucked up another man’s sobriety, and this is it? It feels too easy, and T.J wants to do more, but can’t come up with any gesture that would atone for his wrongdoing.

Most of it is… not exactly hard, but unfamiliar. He thought he’d be more confident in his abilities, in his resolve to stay clean post-rehab, but all he can see nowadays are potential pitfalls. Each passing day bring him closer to Aiden leaving to go on tour, and it’s hard to feel confident when he knows what happened last time he was alone. He also realizes he has to let Aiden go, that he can’t let it stand in his way. He went to rehab so he could get past not only the addiction, but the co-dependency, too. It will be okay. T.J repeats it like a mantra, rehashing the coping mechanisms he’s learned should he be tempted, making sure he has places to be while Aiden’s gone.

When the day comes, he’s restless. By 8 am, he’s already on his third cup of coffee, and keeps rechecking Aiden’s bags to make sure he has everything he needs. It sucks. Things are finally starting to settle between them, they’re doing good, and now they gotta make it on their own for a month. Aiden lets him fuss, until the cab honks angrily outside his apartment, after which it becomes a race to see how many affirmations and kisses and silly little declarations they can cram in before they have to open the door and wave at the cabbie to wait.

”I’ll miss you,” T.J mumbles, straightening the lapels of Aiden’s blazer, fingers tripping over each other from too much caffeine.

”You’ll do fine. You can text me anytime, about anything, and I’ll call you as often as I can, okay?”

”I’ll still miss you.”

”Trouble will take care of you,” Aiden coaxes, nodding to the now very large cat sitting at their feet.

They’ve decided to let Trouble stay with T.J until Aiden gets back home. It’s easier for everyone. T.J gets to stay in his safe space, he’ll have something to focus on daily and Trouble gets taken care of. It’s a win-win for everyone.

”I’ll blame him for everything then.”

Aiden rolls his eyes at him, leaning in for a final goodbye kiss before taking his bag and the cello in its case, and walking out to the cab. T.J feels like some strange 50’s housewife, waving off his man as he rides off into the distance. Only thing missing is a fucking handkerchief. Behind him, Trouble meows loudly, looking very perturbed and apparently knowing that his owner has gone off and won’t be coming back for some time. T.J snickers, picks up his phone and snaps a picture of the groused cat.

>> he looks like he will murder me X attachment img_1293.jpeg

>> Damnit, told him to wait until Friday! X

>> play good ok? X

>> I will. I love you. X

>> i love you X

>> I love you. X

>> i love you X

>> Turning off the street now. I believe in you.

He keeps staring at those four words throughout the day, smiles as he reads through the rest of the conversation. So blessedly ordinary, so perfectly okay. T.J knows the feeling won’t last forever, and revels in it for as long as it lasts. Aiden calls when they get to their first stop, only dropping his phone twice as he tries to unpack and talk at the same time. It’s easy, effortless. He can do this. He can. He can.

For the most part, he does okay. The schedule he’s set up for himself helps. Meetings, dinners, Trouble. He plays a lot, working his way through the treasure trove of sheet music Nana gave him for Christmas two years ago. The first week of Aiden’s three week tour goes by without a hitch. He’s energetic, he has a plan, it works. It goes so well T.J starts worrying, and so is not surprised when the following week he suddenly wakes up one day with a weight on his chest that is another kind of trouble. It’s that dangerous cocktail of loneliness, doubt and a day with no plans. His skin feels electrified, fingers twitching for something to do, the apartment feels too small. The real Trouble meows, demanding his attention, but T.J can’t focus. He makes sure the furball has food and heads out.

It’s dangerous, and he knows it. Last time this happened… He lets out a shuddering breath, digging his hands deeper into the pockets of his jeans. It will be okay. It’s not even noon, he would be foolish to try, he’s been doing good, he just- he has to come up with something to do. T.J keeps a running commentary on himself as he stalks downtown, heart aching because he wishes Aiden was here. His first truly bad day since coming out of rehab, and of course Aiden has to be away. He knows he’s supposed to be okay, that his sobriety isn’t and shouldn’t be tied to his boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean this feeling of anxious worry in his chest will go away as easily as it would if Aiden was by his side now.

>>not doing so good 2day. trying 2 find smth 2 do. miss u.

It takes Aiden all of two minutes to respond.

>>Tour is overrated. Can’t wait 2 come home. U will make it through 2day, I know it. Call me if u need to, travel day 2day. xo

This man, he’s too good for him. His body this aches and wants and writhes, but T.J fights. He ends up going to lunch, finding a reason to kill an hour. It becomes two hours, a staffer who used to work for Elaine on Dougie’s team recognizes him, comes over to talk. It’s good, normal. Smalltalk and business talk and empty phrases. ”I don’t know anything about that, and even if I did, you know I couldn’t say anything about it.” ”Tell Doug I said hello.” ”Sure, I will!” T.J can’t even remember the guy’s name.

He visits Nana, determined not to let anything tempt him today. She’s surprised at first, but seems to realize he needs refuge from the world. They play showtunes and watch horrible soap operas for hours before T.J feels safe and centered enough to return home. Trouble needs him. It’s a strengthening thought. He’s needed. The cat climbs him like its own personal tree the second he’s inside the door, and he holds the purring fuzzball close, doesn’t mind when Trouble curls up next to him on the bed. He can’t wait for this loneliness to come to an end.

He should have known even thinking about the possibility of being happy once Aiden gets home was tempting fate. The days have felt impossibly long, and he has gone stir crazy trying to work through the combined stress of loneliness and worry about his resolve. T.J can practically see the finish line. One more day, one more night. He can do it.

With one day left, he’s pulled back into the harsh reality. T.J’s phone explodes around 9 am, sending Trouble into a tizzy that ends with claw marks etched into his arm before the spooked animal sets off like a rocket to hide under the couch. Hissing at the quickly reddening marks, he fumbles for his phone and blindly sliding the blinking icon to answer.

”Yeah?”

”Aw. You sound like you’ve had a lot of sad, lonely nights.”

”Aiden?” T.J sits up, clenching his fist so as not to itch the scratches. Aiden snickers at the other end of the line.

”Were you asleep?”

”Are you surprised? It’s Saturday!”

”I thought you’d be lying dramatically on the couch, crying your heart out,” Aiden rebuts, and though the tone is teasing, the comment confuses him.

”Are we- Should I know what you’re talking about?”

”Oh. Oh, okay. You haven’t seen it. We’ve apparently broken up according to at least two tabloids.”

T.J’s blood freezes in his veins. He tells Aiden to hold on, bringing up the browser on his phone, taking a steadying breath and then does what he’s long learned he shouldn’t do. He googles himself. In less than a second, his screen is filled with headlines screaming at him.

HEARTBREAK FOR HAMMOND?

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST? - FORMER FIRST SON SPOTTED ALONE

TWEAKING T.J? NO THANKS!

LOVE 'EM AND LEAVE 'EM?

THE SINS OF THE FATHER… A YOUNG BUD HAMMOND IN THE MAKING?

His eyes skitter from one headline to the other, feeling his heart rate increase and his mind instantly kick up a whirl of ”What did I do?” It’s only when Aiden calls his name loud enough for him to drag him out of the judgmental tailspin that he takes a moment to calm down. Nothing has happened, it’s just gossip. They’re still together. Aiden is just away, doing a concert tour. No heartbreak.

Right?

”Aiden…” he begins, rubbing his forehead. ”I’m so sorry, I-”

”T.J, don’t. This isn’t your fault. I don’t blame you. You told me this could happen, and I accepted it. I know we’re not over, I hope you know that, too.”

”Of course! I miss you like crazy, and I’ve- I have had a few hard days. I’m still good.”

”I’ll be home soon, T, I promise. Are you eating okay? You looked a little pale in the pictures?”

Of course there were pictures. T.J groans.

”I’m not subsisting entirely on takeout, if that’s what you’re asking,” he replies, making a mental note to take out the boxes that have accumulated in his kitchen. ”I’ve had dinner with Nana a couple of times. Wholesome, filling meals. You would be very proud.”

His phone beeps, indicating another call, and he misses most of Aiden’s no doubt sarcastic comment checking his screen. Elaine. Fuck. He bites his lip.

”Mom’s calling,” he says, putting the phone back against his ear. ”I gotta take it.”

”Of course. Text me if you need anything, okay?”

”I’m sorry. Again. And again.”

”And I love you. Again. And again.”

They say goodbye, and T.J has to call Elaine back. She’s somewhere in Wisconsin, incidentally also heading home to prepare for a rally set for next week. Apparently she has put him on Google alert, and T.J’s not sure if he’s supposed to be grateful or miffed. As is, his mother is more worried than angry, asking if everything is okay, if he needs anything.

”I’m fine, mama, I promise. It’s all lies,” he assures her, crouching to hold out his hand when Trouble crawls out from under the couch to check if things have calmed down.

”You sure, sweetheart? I’ve got staff working on finding out the source for the articles. The timing is a little too convenient. They’ve left you alone for so long now, and suddenly running a purely libelous excuse for an article this close to-”

”I promise. I’m okay. Nothing I haven’t seen before. Aiden will be home tomorrow, he’s… he’s actually kinda amazing about this whole thing.”

On the other end, Elaine lets out a breath, and he can almost see her trademark smile. T.J can’t help but smile in kind, not caring that she can’t see it. Trouble comes trotting towards him, sniffing his hand to check if there’s a treat waiting.

”I’m glad. I’ll be home in a few days. We’ll talk more then, okay?”

After promising he’ll come by with Aiden once they’re all in the same city, they say goodbye, and T.J quickly works through his notifications. Doug has sent a bunch of texts, and the righteous anger almost jumps off the screen. Nana and Bud have both left voicemails, a bunch of emails have dropped in. Nothing to worry about in the grand scheme of things. And yet…

He can’t help himself. Against better judgment, T.J scrolls through a couple of the online articles, knowing they’re worse than the printed versions. Whoever invented the comment section should get a swift kick to the shins with a steel toe boot. It’s all variations on the same spiel, T.J Hammond spotted alone, looking tired and haggard, where is the still unknown boyfriend he’s been sighted with, are drugs behind the supposed breakup, and… There’s a picture of him talking to the staffer – what the hell is his name again? – that makes his stomach lurch. He still looks tired, but the pap has managed to catch him in a moment where he’s smiling, however tentative. Even though this is – should be – same old-same old to him, the insinuation that he’s cheating or moving on because of a relapse makes him nauseous.

By some miracle, T.J manages to tear himself away before he makes the terrible mistake of delving into the comment section, fearing it might set him off and make him do something stupid. He clenches his teeth, shutting of his laptop and pushing it away from himself. It’s.. not okay, but he’s okay. He can do this, it’s nothing he hasn’t encountered before. Only it is, his mind quietly tells him, and T.J can’t really protest. There’s never been anyone like Aiden in his life when this has happened. It’s been months, they’re good, even with his recent stint in rehab. All things considered, they’re good, he’s clean, why does this have to happen?

It’s a blessing to wake up to knocks on his front door the next day, to Trouble galloping to serve as welcoming committee, to Aiden’s smile as he sets down his bags and bring T.J in for a hug and a peppering of kisses, to calm in his soul. Couldn’t the paps capture this instead? Is this not as desirable?

”Next time, I’m bringing you with me,” Aiden speaks against the crook of T.J’s neck, holding him tighter. ”I don’t care how, you’re going in my suitcase. You’re getting contortionist classes for Christmas.”

”I missed you, too,” T.J replied quietly, drawing in the scent of his boyfriend.

He still smells a bit like bus and airplane, but there’s that ever-present smell of sandalwood hidden underneath, the soft cotton of his shirt evening it out. Aiden smells like safety, his tall and slender frame so easy to wrap oneself around, always warm no matter the season. Maybe it’s regressing a little bit, but right there, wrapped up in Aiden’s arms, T.J can’t help but feel relieved. He’s back, he can breathe a little easier. It is a nice little moment, tender and stretching out until seconds feel like minutes.

Until Trouble decides he’s done being ignored and uses them as his personal scratch tree.

They have a nice two days before Elaine calls to inform T.J that she’ll be home the next day and wants to have dinner with them both. He can almost hear how smug she looks when he turns to Aiden to ask if the time is okay, and he’s not entirely sure why it makes him blush a little. So Aiden hasn’t gone home since he got back. So maybe they’re enjoying the domestic bliss. So maybe it makes him feel better and not think about the articles so much. So maybe he likes it.

Aiden hasn’t been over for dinner with his family since Christmas, and T.J feels like he’s introducing him for the first time all over again. The way he hugs his mother is perhaps a tad perfunctory, but his stomach does a wild little somersault when he sees the way she smiles brightly at his boyfriend, hugging him as tight as she would her own two sons. Nana, true to her nature, is as brash as ever, holding her arms open for T.J and beckoning him over with a ”Come here, you little shit.” He’s almost surprised she doesn’t slap Aiden’s ass when they head to the dining room, where Dougie and Anne are waiting for them.

They chat amicably, polite questions about Aiden’s trip, about his parents. Dougie goes on a tangent about something that happened in Minnesota, and T.J can’t help but look at Anne by his brother’s side. She looks good, a lot healthier than she did back before they married. As fucked up as T.J had been, of course he’d noticed; the way she shuffled her food around her plate, the sometimes less than subtle excuses from the table. It’s a struggle, just like his own, and he can’t even bring himself to be jealous of her progress.

”So, how you holding up. T.J?”

Smooth, Dougie.

”Your faith in me is breathtaking, bro,” he shoots back, chewing demonstratively on his food.

Doug pulls a face at him, huffing. ”I just meant, it’s been a while since-”

”I’m good. It sucks, but it comes with being a Hammond. Same old, same old.”

”You know that’s not true, honey,” Elaine admonishes him, setting down her knife and fork.

And T.J knows that’s not entirely true either. The second Bud announced his intention to run for president, their lives were never the same. They became public property, something for people to scrutinize and put expectations upon. It’s not his father’s fault, but he’s not sure if he should put the blame on the people or the ones that cater to them.

”Any luck finding the bastard behind this?” Nana, always there to distract, even if it brings them back to the matter at heart.

”Nothing substantial yet,” Doug says, but T.J can tell from the way he clenches around the cutlery that there is something. ”I talked to Daniel-” That’s the fucking staffer’s name! T.J thinks triumphantly, ”-he didn’t seem like he was hiding anything.” His brother turns to him. ”Asked if you were okay.”

”Peachy.”

”Come on, man, we’re trying to help you!”

T.J is about to launch into a rant of his own, feeling the exasperation rise in his throat, but it lodges there, frozen in place when Aiden places his left hand over his under the table. It’s Thanksgiving and Christmas all over again, thumb running smoothly over his knuckles, a quiet show of solidarity, a simple gesture to say ”I’m here. It’s okay.” His outburst dies before it has time to potentially ruin dinner.

”I…” His voice comes out thick and low, and he squeezes Aiden’s hand. ”I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, it just makes it worse.”

”I know you don’t,” Elaine tells him, reaching out to pat his cheek. ”But if this is something… more, I want you to know that we’re not going to stand for it. You’ve been through enough, darling.” She pauses for a second, eye contact briefly breaking to look over at Aiden. ”Why don’t you bring Aiden with you to the rally next week?”

”Mom…”

Elaine pulls back, once again sitting straight in her chair. ”If you don’t mind?” She looks inquiringly at Aiden, and T.J can feel him stiffen in his seat.

”I… guess not? I-I just gotta check m-my schedule?”

”You don’t have to do this,” T.J assures him, then turns to his mother with a sharp look. ”Right?”

”Of course not, I just thought you would appreciate having him there. I know you don’t like these things all that much.”

Well, she’s not wrong about that. Elaine’s first campaign had been taxing enough to get through and that was when he could battle the pressure of presenting a perfect picture with blow. He’d been high a couple of times throughout, it was easier to smile and pretend that way. That’s not an option now. No floating through rallies and fundraisers in a blur, all edges smoothed out. T.J hates the way his mother managed to trap him, hates the way he can’t look at Aiden for the rest of the dinner, hates the way conversation dies down to hums and platitudes. He’s almost thankful when the family disperses after dinner almost like they knew this was painful. Aiden carries most of the charm as they say goodbye, thanking Elaine for the delicious food, giving her a hug that to T.J’s eyes looks as sincere as anything. He himself barely manages a light kiss to his mother’s cheek before he’s out the door.

”You’re angry,” Aiden states, slinging his arm around T.J’s shoulder.

He’s not sure whether to contest the statement or not. It’s not quite anger, not all of it. It’s worry and disappointment and apprehension, all swirling inside him, and T.J knows he needs to get a grip on it before it sets off his itch.

”You don’t have to come,” he murmurs, still keeping his eyes trained downwards, following his feet as they steer homewards. ”I can manage. Done it before.”

”But you don’t have to.”

Aiden stops mid-step, holding onto him gently to make him stand still, too, before placing both hands on his shoulders.

”I’m not… wild about the idea of standing in front a crowd, waving and smiling, but I can see what your mom’s thinking. If we go… if we stand there together, it’s a statement, right? We prove them wrong.”

”I hate that we have to do that,” T.J says, reluctantly looking up, breathing slowly in and out. ”I never thought I’d have to bring you into this, not this much. If she- If mom becomes President, I won’t move back. I don’t think Doug will either. It shouldn’t be as exciting as last time, people were going on and on about how the White House had not one but two First Sons, the first since JFK junior.” He uttered the last few words with rehearsed disdain, having heard them so many times, always with the same expectations attached to them.

”They came after you, T. You’ve done so well, and I want them to see that. If it helps that I stand by your side and show them just how much I am still in love with you, then baby, I’ll do it. I’ll dress up in my best suit, and I’ll kiss you on national god damn television if that’s what it takes.”

They both break down in snickers at that, T.J leaning in to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s jaw.

”You only have one suit, idiot.”

Aiden grins, kissing him back. ”Then clearly it’s my best one.”

It doesn’t take away all of his worries, but it eases them slightly. They spend the following days preparing, Aiden asking questions upon questions, getting asked questions in turn as he’s cleared by Elaine’s security to attend the rally as part of the family. It’s the only time before the rally T.J sees him even a little bit nervous, sitting with his hands clasped tightly in his lap, shaking and nodding his head so vigorously when he answers it sets the tight curls of his hair dancing. T.J draws a small sense of pride in being able to be the supportive one, to be the one who has the answers, who knows what will happen.

It doesn’t change the fact that they’re both a mess the day of the rally, hands shaking as they tie their ties, cursing under their breaths. True to his word, Aiden is clad in his only suit, hair pulled back into a tight bun. Though his heart is thundering in his chest, T.J can’t help but admire the man in front of him. It’s been almost a year since that first kiss, two years since they first met. It’s strange to think how much things have changed since Aiden came into his life.

”Hey,” he whispers, taking hold of Aiden’s hands as the man struggles to wrestle the silk into a tidy knot. His own fingers steady as they pry Aiden’s hands away, taking hold of they tie to twist and turn it in a pattern familiar to him. ”It’ll be fine. Find something to focus on. Not the people, that’s… overwhelming. Look at a flag, there’s always flags. Or balloons. I usually try to play connect the dots with them. One flag, linger. Another flag, linger.”

”And here I’d worked on my royal wave,” Aiden jokes, voice shaky as he exhales.

”You can wave.” T.J tucks the wide end of the tie through the loop he’s created, pulling to tighten the knot. ”I’ll be there.”

He smooths out Aiden’s shirt, pulling lightly on the lapels of his suit jacket. Aiden smiles weakly at him, fixing T.J’s tie in kind, straightening the collar before cupping his cheeks. T.J relishes in the sensation, the lightly calloused finger tips against his cheeks, the warmth emanating from the contanct. Tilting his head, he kisses Aiden’s hand, taking hold of it with his own, letting their fingers interlace.

”Ready?” he asks, gaze flickering over Aiden’s shoulder to the door behind which the public awaits.

”As I’ll ever be.”

It takes them both by surprise at first. Aiden, who has never been in front of this large a crowd before, breathes out a surprised ”wow” as they step onto the podium, squeezing T.J’s hand a bit harder. For T.J, it’s been a while since he’s been in the spotlight, but he eases into character sooner than he’d guessed, an easy smile gracing his features. He waves to the masses, his heart doing a little somersault when he sees Aiden doing the same from the corner of his eyes. The booming roar rises when Elaine finally takes the stage, and for a second, it’s almost like he’s back in that ballroom in Chicago.

The ruckus dies down as Elaine begins to speak, motioning with her hands for people to calm down. It’s always been fascinating to T.J how skillfully his mother can work a crowd, how with a simple gesture or a few choice words she can make her audience listen with bated breath, even when it’s just the standard phrases that precedes her true message.

”I am so happy to be here today, to see all of you. Your support and your enthusiasm are truly inspirational,” Elaine starts off, making a sweeping motion with her right hand. ”These are tough times, and we face even tougher times ahead of us. It is so important to stay strong, to stay together through these hardships.” The open palm becomes a fist, striking down with a decisive thud as her voice softens. ”It is far too easy to take the easy path, to turn a blind eye to injustice. I say, no more. No matter what happens, I will protect what matters to us, to this country. We are all family, and anyone who tries to challenge us, who tries to harm us,” She pauses, looking out over the crowd, and T.J can swear she is zeroing in on one of the cameras filming, “will see that we are prepared to defend ourselves.”

T.J has to fight to keep from frowning. It’s a tad more aggressive than he’s come to expect from his mother, almost to the point where it’s retaliatory. He steals a glance at Doug, looking proudly at their mother as the crowd breaks into cheers and applause. They all follow suit, but T.J can’t help but think there is something else going on, something in this speech he is missing, someone who will listen to it and see so much more than the impassioned outcry of a presidential candidate. He plays his part, knowing full well he will be in the papers for the coming week. He and Aiden have talked about it, prepared for it as best they can. The need to protect Aiden from the uglier sides of this mess boils in him, and through the final minutes of Elaine’s speech, he’s terrified that he made a mistake in letting Aiden convince him to come with him.

The man in question must have caught on to his discomfort, as he lean in to T.J when Elaine wraps up her speech.

”I’m fine,” he whispers under the thunderous roar, his breath tickling.

Something in him shifts, slotting together like pieces of a puzzle. They have made it. One year of sobriety and relapse and rehab and now the articles. It’s not gonna get easier, but they’ve made it this far. T.J thinks about how he’s been the older brother all his life but constantly been the one needing taking care of, needing protection. He wants to take that responsibility now, wants to be the man Aiden sees in him. When he smiles up at Aiden, there is true joy behind it. It stays etched on his face throughout the rally, on the walk home, settling into the kind of smile that lives in your eyes. Aiden stays the night again. Trouble sleeps nestled between them. T.J briefly wonders if this is what love really feels like before drifting off to sleep.

It takes the tabloids two full days to find out who Aiden is, running his life story over the following week. There’s nothing in there T.J doesn’t already know, but he can see the hurt in Aiden’s eyes, understands what he’s feeling. Someone has trespassed into his lover’s life. The way Elaine and her staff handles it makes warms his heart. She still refuses to say exactly what was up with her speech at the rally, brushing it off or switching the subject. T.J doesn’t believe for a second that the pointed jabs were just theatrics to win over the crowd. Maybe he’s not as invested in politics as Doug, but he’s sharp enough to see the broad strokes; the upswing in the polls leading up to the Democratic convention, the way the tabloids slowly back down from reporting on their every move. He’s sharp enough that when he sees President Fred Collier congratulate his mother on winning the nomination, he spots the unbridled disappointment and malice that the man tries to hide behind a slimy smile and grovelling words.

This man tried to destroy him. T.J swears to not let it happen again.

#t.j hammond #t.j x omc #political animals #political animals fanfiction #political animals imagine #fic: make me feel like i'm real

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abovethesmokestacks · 5 years

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HBC Drunk Drabbles

Drabbles written for HBC Drunk Drabble nights. Drabbles with * next to it are nsfw and should not be read by anyone under 18.

Soft and Smooth - Sebastian Stan x reader *

T(h)rust - bi!T.J Hammond x fem!reader *

Grace Interrupted - Jack Benjamin x omc

Morning Glory - Hal Carter x reader *

A Home For the Heart - Hal Carter x reader

Our Kind of Love - Bucky Barnes x reader

Two Princes - Hal Carter x Carter Baizen *

Lace and Sugar - Hal Carter x Carter Baizen *

Feels Like Home - Bucky Barnes x reader

Food For Thought - Bucky Barnes x reader

Spilling Sin Like Honey - Hal Carter x reader *

Rain On Me - Clay Appuzzo x reader *

#drunk drabbles

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abovethesmokestacks · 7 years

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Future writings

I got tagged by @jurassicbarnes and @themcuhasruinedme to share some of the writings that I’ve got in store.

Sweet Dreams - Assorted Flavours, chapter 8

Pairing: Bucky x reader The end is nigh! Will Bucky be okay? What cupcake will feature? How much fluff can I smush into the chapter and not die?

Make Me Feel Like I’m Real, chapter 7

Pairing: T.J x OMC The final installment in my quest to give my smol sad son a good, happy life.

A Splinter In the Heart

Characters: vamp!Seb, reader x2 You got were!Seb’s tragic backstory a while back. Only fair to share the vamp’s too.

Untitled Wintershock smut

Pairing: Bucky x Darcy Darcy knows what she wants and knows where to get it, and her partner for the last two parties has been everything she has craved. It’s a nice break from reality, where she’s just started a new nanny job and the brother of her employer turns out to be a real looker.

Untitled Stucky fic

Pairing: Steve x Bucky Based on this edit by @bucky-plums-barnes (and written with her permission). It’s the interview of the year, an exclusive with the youngest person to ever become billionaire from their start-up. It’s a scoop. It’s every journalist’s wet dream. Bucky Barnes, CEO of Shield Inc. Note: Will get written in its entirety before I start posting.

A lot of untitled fics, but the names are always the hardest. Hopefully these seem interesting and I do hope you will all stick around for me posting them.

Tagging… @ursulaismymiddlename, @brookebarnes, @erisjade, @avengerofyourheart

#tag games #future writings #upcoming fics #and now i am terrified of writing all of these

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abovethesmokestacks · 7 years

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Self rec

Fic authors, self-rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written, then pass on to at least five other writers

I was tagged by my wife from another life @mellifluous-melodramas

1. Sweet Dreams-series (Bucky x reader, cupcakery AU) I am counting this as one, sue me. This one is my baby, my proper decent into writing self-insert fics, and I get to combine it with one of my favourite things.

2. Oh, How We’ve Grown (Bucky x reader, based on Ed Sheeran’s “Castle On the Hill) It has been brought to my attention several times that this fic has ruined the song to the point where they think of the fic when they hear it. Same. Gdi, Ed.

3. Chasing Promises (Bucky x reader, myth AU) It was supposed to be a drabble, but my myth nerd heart wouldn’t have it. I love it dearly and I confess to rereading it myself from time to time.

4. Like Sleep To the Freezing (Bucky x reader) Written for my sweet JinAh, and I am I still reeling from some of the feedback it got.

5. Make Me Feel Like I’m Real (T.J Hammond x OMC) All I want in life is for my smol sad son to be happy, and this is my attempt to give him that happiness by means of a kitten, a poc!OC and a dash of angst inbetween

I tag.......... anyone who wants to play.

#tag games #self rec tag

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abovethesmokestacks · 7 years

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Make Me Feel Like I’m Real (4/7)

Title: Make Me Feel Like I’m Real Pairing: T.J Hammond x OMC Rating: General Audiences Warnings: ANGST, referenced drug use, swearing Spoilers: spoilers for Political Animals (esp. the last couple of episodes)

It has been brought to my attention that this chapter might end with me getting chased with torches and pitchforks. I apologize in advance and want you to know your comments and likes and reblogs and tag rants mean the world to me.

Did I say I was sorry?

<< Chapter 3 | Chapter 5 >>

January 2014

It starts off slow. T.J calls Aiden about a week after the incident, too much of a chicken shit to even so much as look at his number before that. It’s a polite visit, he even calls Paul to inform him about it, and they agree Paul will follow him to Aiden’s place and leave the two of them alone until it was time to go home. It’s all good, a beat of awkward silence before shaking hands and stepping inside. They have barely made it into the kitchen when Trouble comes skidding into the room and with a loud meow claws his way up T.J’s leg.

”He remembers you,” Aiden laughs, biting his lower lip as T.J tries not to curse at the sting of tiny claws pulling a small body up onto his lap.

”Hey buddy,” he coos, lifting the kitten to bring it up in front of his face.

Trouble is bigger than he remembers, bigger than he looked in the photo Aiden sent at Christmas. Still smaller than he probably ought to be, but full of life, paws swinging at T.J’s face, trilling and purring throughout his stay. It’s polite and static, coffee in the kitchen, keeping biscuits out of reach from the cat and not talking about anything special, and it’s the most normal thing T.J has experienced in a long time.

It starts off slow, and T.J thinks that after his visit they won’t meet again. They do. They run into each other one day while he’s hurrying to reluctantly meet up with his father for lunch, and Aiden is hurrying… somewhere. There’s no time to ask or talk, but they tell each other to stay in touch, to call, the usual. It’s empty words to T.J, the kind of pleasantries he’s grown used to, the kind that are readily offered, but with no real expectations attached to it. He almost drops his phone into a bowl of soup the week after when Aiden calls, asks if T.J’s free for coffee.

It starts. One coffee. Another coffee. Hey, you free for lunch? The city calms, he says goodbye to Paul in August, promises to at least try to keep track of the Baltimore team the rest of the season. Lunch, smiles, laughs. T.J keeps his hopes to himself, fights to simply enjoy this normalcy, a companionship without ulterior motives, strives to keep himself clean after Paul is dismissed. Maybe it’s the months he already has under his belt. Maybe it’s having something good in his life. Whatever it is, it’s a bit easier to manage the days when temptation gnaws at him.

It continues. He’s the first to invite Aiden in. It’s spontaneous, and he regrets it exactly three seconds later when he remembers what a mess his apartment is. Aiden doesn’t mind. He gravitates towards the piano, sitting down and starts pressing down keys, creating chords, playing simple melodies.

”Do you play?”

”Nah, not really. Too much to keep track of.”

Aiden, as it turns out, is a god damn liar.

He does play. Just not piano. T.J is quick to point this out when he makes another visit to Aiden. They make it past the kitchen this time, Trouble trotting behind them, loudly meowing for them to give him attention. It’s hard to miss the beautiful cello in its stand, and Aiden only gives him a sly grin, reverently lifting the instrument and sitting down on a chair next to it. It’s as if his body softens and melds with the cello when he holds it, fingers gracefully moving across the neck, hand delicately holding the bow. He’s heard Bach’s cello suite numerous times, but T.J swears it has never sounded more beautiful than in this room.

”I thought you didn’t play.”

”Piano. This is easier.”

It goes on. T.J hits a rough patch just before Halloween. They’re in this strange limbo. T.J doesn’t dare think of it as anything but friendship, but he’s hoping again, his heart stuttering with each meeting and text and silly joke. It’s so good, he’s taken by surprise when the itch hits him, clawing at his carefully constructed restraint, enticing him with an easy escape. No more babysitter, he could go out. Just for one night, one hit, one line. It would be so easy. He resists, tossing and turning through the nights, rereading texts and looking at the damn photo of Trouble sleeping in the Christmas tree. He can do this. He fights on. It’s been months, he can make it.

Then it happens.

Attention has been focused elsewhere for so long that when T.J eventually ends up in the papers, a grainy photo of him and Aiden out for lunch taking up an obscene amount of space in several tabloids, he fears the worst. His mother calls, demands an explanation. Dougie calls, asks who the man is, promises to tear the editors a new one. Nana calls, says he needs to bring the cute boy over for dinner.

He’s terrified when he calls Aiden, struggles to get the words out, tripping over them, apologizing over and over. And Aiden is quiet throughout his ramblings, and T.J’s heart is about to sink through his stomach when that melodious voice says four words he couldn’t have made up even in his dreams.

”I’ll be right there.”

It starts in a spark so sudden he thinks he’s dreaming. T.J expects a discussion, a confrontation, a break. Certainly not this. Absolutely not Aiden being there within ten nervewracking minutes, not a hug that warms him to the far reaches of his soul. Not a soft kiss, plush lips against his, the faint taste of coffee. Not eyes that look at him like he’s worth all of this. Not-

”I don’t care.”

For the first three weeks it’s hard to breathe. He tells Aiden about his struggle with addiction, the failures, expecting him to regret taking a chance on the damaged goods that make up Thomas James Hammond. The seconds feel impossibly long as he waits for the rug to be pulled out from under his feet (again). Nothing. Aiden stays, and it makes the fist clenching around T.J’s heart tighten even more. If he doesn’t leave now, how will T.J survive when he does? He smiles and he hopes it reaches his eyes. The next day, he reluctantly tells his family, if only because they already know something is up. Understandably, they are vary of the news, and demand without actually demanding that T.J brings Aiden over.

He’s not sure how he manages it without suffocating from the anxiety running rampant through his body, and he has never wished for vodka more than he does that night.

The meeting calms his family, but not his heart. T.J still expects things to go south. It always happens to him, what’s stopping the universe from breaking his heart wide open again? Ironically, that’s what eventually dislodges the lump in his throat in the end. It comes to a confrontation, and he’s so sure it’s gonna burst this happy little bubble, it feels like he’s jamming a seam ripper underneath the carefully laid stitches of his soul, prepared to rip them himself. It starts with an innocent question, escalates to raised voices and evasive answers and culminates in T.J breaking down. He’s kept Sean, the terrible, terrible night and the permanent fear etched into him because of it to himself, adding to the weight of the rest of his worries. His tentative grasp on staying clean, his fear of never amounting to anything, all of his failures and shortcomings; it all comes out. His body aches as he finally voices his worries in earnest, his knees buckle and he cries because he’s finally said it.

Aiden’s hand on his shoulder makes him recoil, still expecting the worst, still waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’s deaf to the words coming out of the other man’s mouth, so wrapped up in his own sense of doom that he can’t hear, can’t process, can’t focus. For so long, his life has been about numbing the pain, but now he just wants something to hurt worse than this so he won’t have to think about it. T.J longs for a pain that can be made better with simple means; a bandaid, a cast, a painkiller. Not this hurt that rages like a storm inside him that refuses to be treated.

”T.J…”

He’s not sure how much time has passed when his consciousness decides to accept external input. Warm embrace, arms safely tucked around him, closeness. A steady th-thump in his ear. Aiden has maneuvered him into his lap, holding onto him while he crashes and burns. There’s an apology ready on his tongue, but T.J never gets to voice it. It’s Aiden’s turn to talk, reassurences upon reassurences, validation and promises, and it’s almost too much. They don’t speak for the rest of the evening, falling asleep on the floor, T.J up against Aiden, who’s leaning up against the couch.

Breathing gets easier, trusting gets easier. There are real things, tangible things to be thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner. Hands squeezing under the table, twice, because Aiden convinced him to meet his parents, claiming it wouldn’t be fair otherwise. It’s pleasant and normal, a warm atmosphere and so many smiles. Aiden’s mother and father welcome him with equal measures of surprise and joy. There are brothers and sisters and playful teasing and tossing peas when they think their mother won’t see it. T.J feels stiff, ceremonial, not fully able to relax until Aiden takes his hand, gently running soothing circles across the base of his thumb until little by little T.J relaxes into his chair.

It doesn’t mean the fear goes away, not completely. Christmas is strange. He’s happy and scared and tries to reconcile himself with the past couple of years, the odd sensation of not needing to exclude himself from the joy. There are gifts exchanged again. It’s the same and then some. It’s blushing in front of his family when he opens Aiden’s gift and realizes he may have overcompensated. It’s teasing Elaine mercilessly when she allows him one small glass of wine with dinner. It’s playing two Christmas songs at the piano, stealing glances with his boyfriend (and he’ll never get tired of saying that word) while Nana entertains them all. It’s walking home, hand in hand, chaste kisses, atrocious non-alcoholic egg nog and both of them falling asleep (mostly by mistake) on T.J’s couch at 3 am. It’s all so good.

So of course it has to come crashing down.

He has to spend New Years alone. Aiden’s going away to play a concert with the orchestra he’s part of, a fact he’s been moaning about for the better part of December. T.J is prepared, it’s not like he hasn’t been alone on New Years Eve before. He can make it, he’s been clean for a year, he’s good. He sends Aiden out the door with a kiss and a boyish grin, promising they’ll speak at midnight.

”T.J? Where the hell have you been, I’ve been calling for two hours?”

The voice sounds so far away, and T.J's brain struggles to tell him it’s because he is. Aiden is not here. Aiden is playing his fucking beautiful cello far away. Trying to find focus, T.J sighs. Where the hell has he been? Having the fucking time of his life, or at least trying to, but good fucking luck with that because he’s fucking alone on News Year’s Eve.

”T.J, did something happen?”

A walk happened. Some old acquaintance or other happened. Loud, thumping music and a bottle of champagne happened. It’s New Year’s after all. He can indulge.

”Are you high?”

As a house. And all the nice things are gone. The people, the buzz, the highest high. It was just a line (maybe two… or three, he can’t remember exactly). He was so alone, didn’t feel like going to his parents for their god damn soarée. Just because Aiden is out of town doesn’t mean he can’t take care of himself. ”But you fucking can’t,” he tells himself, feeling his chest tighten. Waiting was boring, it was just a walk, just a short stroll around the block that turned into a brief excursion downtown, look at the celebrations, the people. He found- no, wait, they found him. Calling out his name, waving and smiling like they were close friends. He could join them, right? Just a couple of minutes, just a glass of champagne, just a few drinks more, and then suddenly there are people counting and white-white-white and it shoots through him like lightning and fireworks.

One year.

One year and it’s like nothing has changed. T.J Hammond, fucking up right on schedule, in the most spectacular way possible.

There’s a sigh, and it takes two sluggish seconds for him to realize it’s not his own. Aiden. AidenAidenAiden. T.J’s mind reels, trying to catch up, trying to make sense, and it rushes to one irrefutable conclusion: He’s done it, he’s disappointed Aiden, he’s shown himself to be just as irrideemable as he’s been made out to be. His stomach feels like it’s caving in, a dark and endless abyss opening up, and he can’t fight, he plummets into it to the sound of a racing heartbeat.

”T.J? T.J, where are you?”

Aiden’s voice is sharp, cutting through the despair and why can’t the world fucking stop shifting in and out of focus? He blinks an inordinate amount of times, before he finds something that isn’t blurry, something to ground him.

”There’s a stain on the ceiling” he mumbles, not daring to look away from it. ”I have a stain on the ceiling…”

”Are you at home?”

Part of him wishes he was, so he wouldn’t have to fight his way to get home. So much trouble. People who can see. People who’ve probably already seen. As if he hasn’t fucked up enough. Another part of him wants to be lost, to not know where he is, to never find his way back. His mind briefly stumbles over thoughts and scenarios he’s kept locked away for two years, and his breath hitches as old hurts and new disappointments bleed together, creating a cocktail he can’t help but drown in.

”I fucked up…” he whimpers, turning over on his side and curling into a ball, making himself as small as he can.

”You’ll be fine. Call Doug. Ask him to come see if you’re home and have him text me so I know you’re safe.” Aiden speaks so calmly to him, he doesn’t deserve this. ”It’s gonna be okay.”

T.J’s already gone, back in the void where everything hurts and everything’s his fault. Left to take care of himself for a few days, and he couldn’t make it through without slipping. There are things he should be worried about, he just can sort them out and focus on them right now. It hurts. It overwhelms him, and he thinks

I’m all alone

Happy fucking New Year, T.J.

Thudding. Hard. Is it his heart?

”T.J?”

More thudding. It sounds urgent, stressed.

”T.J.”

Why does the voice sound so mad?

”T.J, open the damn door!”

Aiden?

It feels like his body has been turned inside out, his head lolling from impossible weight, aching in surges of pain and regret over bad decisions. He knows it well, has woken up from it enough times to recognize it, and it’s enough to make him want the floor to open up and swallow him whole. The thudding continues, more insistent than ever, and T.J groans loudly trying to get up from the couch, joints cracking and muscles stretching uncomfortably from the rough night. At least it’s not obscenely light outside.

He’s barely unlatched the lock and turned the knob before the door is shoved open and he’s body checked into a tight embrace, sliding backwards and fighting not to tilt too far back and end up falling. T.J can’t decide if it’s a good thing or not to draw a breath and have his nostrils, his mind, his god damn world flooded with Aiden’s scent. Something tugs at the edge of his memory, too frayed to reach. Wait. Why is- He should-

”Why are you here?” T.J asks, voice raspy from the night before.

”Because you never called Doug! I took a god damn cab to the airport and cried in front of an airline clerk so I could get booked on the only flight out because you didn’t call and you didn’t answer your phone anymore. Shit, T.J, I thought something had happened!”

Call Doug..? Oh.

”Fuck. Fuck, I fell asleep, I swear, I-”

He can’t even bring himself to finish the sentence, suddenly afraid he will lie to the man he loves, the man holding onto him like he’s afraid T.J will disappear if he lets go.

”What happened last night? I thought, I mean, you’ve been doing so well.”

It’s not an accusation, Aiden’s voice is even, he checks himself before it comes to that, but it all translates to disappointment in T.J’s ears. Hell, he himself is disappointed. One fucking year down the drain, and for what? Absolutely nothing. He tossed away his longest period of being sober because somehow it was easier than fighting, than walking, than pretty much anything else.

”T.J…”

”I fucked up, okay? It’s what I do,” he uttered, going slack in Aiden’s arms, wanting to put distance between them so maybe it will hurt less. ”I used, I don’t even know why.”

”God, I never should have left, I should’ve…” Aiden finally takes a step back, shaking his head and sounding so damn miserable that it makes anger flare up inside T.J.

”No! Jeez, this is not your fault, how the fuck could this be your fault? I’m the fuck-up who can’t stay clean just because his boyfriend leaves town for a few days. You don’t-” He runs his hands through his hair, covering his face and taking a deep breath. ”Shit, shit, shit…”

”Why do you do this?” There it is, the accusation he’s been waiting for. It almost a relief to hear it. ”I don’t expect you to be perfect, I get that addiction is a struggle, it doesn’t magically get better. Yeah, this sucks, but it’s not the end!”

T.J lets out a humourless chuckle. ”Do you know how much I’d want this to have an end? To be able to go out, to be alone and not have to constantly fear that something might trigger me? I will never get rid of this, Aiden. Never. I… I love you, okay? I love you so fucking much, but I don’t want you to be the sole reason why I keep myself clean. I tried that once, and it blew up in my face.”

Aiden blanches, the hope that had been burning in his eyes faltering, mouth setting in a tight line. Fuck. T.J wants to kick himself.

”What are you saying?” Aiden’s voice is still calm, but it’s a different calm, one that scares T.J.

”Jesus… Please, I just- I want to love you completely, I want to be with you, I want to… I want be in control of myself so I can be with you, not because I’m with you.”

He hates confrontations. He hates having to do this. It’s draining every ounce of energy from his already tired body, his limbs feel soft and his head is still heavy and sluggish trying to make the right words come out. Aiden is silent, arms crossed protectively across his chest. There is resignation written all over his face, and it’s simultaneously heartbreaking and so, so familiar. T.J’s been on the receiving end of this look so many times; he just wishes he would never have to see it on Aiden.

”Please, say something.”

Sigh. Pause. Hesitation.

”I don’t know what I can say, or if I should.” Aiden tightens his hands over his arms, and T.J wants nothing more than to bring him in close, now craving the intimacy of a hug. ”I want you to be well, but… I don’t know how to help you. I want to help, but you’re saying you don’t want me to be the reason you’re keeping it together.”

”I never said it was logical,” T.J tries, attempting to lighten the mood.

”I think… I think I’m gonna go home.”

T.J swears he does nothing, but something causes Aiden to knit his eyebrows together and immediately backtrack.

”I don’t mean- I mean- Fuck! I just mean, you seem to have a lot to think about, and I’m obviously doing jack shit to help you. Take a few days, get your head straight.”

Aiden finally moves, and T.J automatically steps forward to meet him. His boyfriend regards him with a soft look in his eyes, taking in his no doubt gaunt face, gingerly placing a kiss on his lips.

”I’ll still be here when you figure things out. Always. Okay?”

T.J closes his eyes, nodding silently in reply, because what else is there to say? His lips tingle, sense memory refusing to let him forget Aiden’s soft lips, gentle pressure against his, another promise. It’s not quite heartbreak when the door closes, but it’s something like it; equal amounts of despair, longing and dejection.

Alone again.

The couch welcomes him back as he once again makes himself as small as he possibly can, and it’s a feeling that settles. So small, so alone, and it’s all his fault. He wanted to be good this time, and things were going so well. Clean for a year, attentive boyfriend, on good terms with his family. No plans for the future, but T.J had figured that was a work in progress, something that would come with continued sobriety and emotional support. Now there’s… well, not that.

”Fuck, fuck, fuck…”

Grabbing the nearest pillow, T.J buries his face in it, screaming out the pain that’s been brewing inside. It helps a little, dislodges the physical manifestations of his regret. Tears break free, soaking into the bunched-up pillow as he continues to unleash all manners of admonishments directed at himself. He cries and screams until there is nothing more for him to give, falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion, arms wrapped around himself to make himself feel more safe and loved than he feels he is.

It’s dark when he wakes up, his mind blessedly empty and tranquil. There was… a dream. Or maybe an idea. T.J can’t be sure. He wants to talk to Aiden, but Aiden’s not here. He’s all on his own, he needs to figure this out. He needs to do something. Swinging his legs over the edge of the couch, he brings himself up to sit, leaning forward. There is something he could do. There’s not much else.

If only he can find it.

He spends the next hour upending every box and drawer in his apartment, knowing he still has the information somewhere. The search is almost manic, and his hands tremble when he finally finds the small piece of paper, the text a little faded but still perfectly legible. T.J manages to keep his fingers steady as he dials the number, swallowing thickly when a voice answers on the other end.

”Hi. I… I need your help.”

#t.j hammond #t.j x omc #political animals #political animals fanfiction #political animals imagine #fic: make me feel like i'm real

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