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steve0discusses · 3 years

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The Full Metal Alchemist Live Action Movie Part 8: Watch This Episode Covered in Butts be the Only One Not Flagged by Tumblr

Gonna be risky business and not only upload all of these caps the way I screenshot them--which has just SO MANY poorly CGI’d butts but also gonna do it on the Tumblr Drafts folder, which I have been assured works now.

I’m so worried about so many things, but considering all the fears I have about like...everything else in the world right now...I guess I’ll take a risk on tumblr.

Edit: I cannot believe that I had 8ish episodes of Kaiba’s tall dueling tower get flagged but not this movie. I just....wow I cannot.

So anyway, last we left off, General Hakuro stepped in and was like “Hi guys, you like my wily plans that no one in their right mind would have ever guessed???”

Yo remember this part of the anime? Where the bodies drop from the ceiling and it’s a hunk out of the final arc--it’s here. In this movie. This movie that can’t possibly afford to do that. Lets get some CGI animated bodies in here ASAP.

(see some texture regrets under the cut)

It’s like a Monet, as the Mean Girls say, because far away and shrinked to 500 pixels this looks kinda neat. They sort of look more like those slime ball that grow in the back of your throat rather than human bodies, but they still look pretty gross hanging up there.

But then.....we zoom in. Remember again that this was full screen on my computer, and at one point was on a freakin movie screen. This level of 3d...was on a movie theater screen.

The mind boggles. The mind boggles!

Like as you know, I am an artist, and I’ve dabbled in...basically everything in my pursuit to make a dollar...and I have taken about 2 years of classes in 3D art with Maya and all those. I’m not thaaat great at it--I’m much more an illustrator/painter--but I feel like I have that reference point. Can I just say--the model is...fine...you can do a lot with layers of bump maps so you don’t need a truly detailed model (not like they did that, because they didn’t do that, but I can figure that maybe they had an intention to do that and forgot?)

But, there’s no connection of the wires to bodies. They just kinda float? The bodies are also all the same shiny-ness? To the point that it looks like a copy paste? (I don’t think it is, the wires are slightly different on a few of them) There’s just not much in the way of a texture map or a bump map. It just...there’s also something missing from the skin.

Skin is actually kind of rough to render, so when I did it back in the day, I followed like a checklist to make sure I had all the layers and steps to make someone look...clammy. Some things are kinda translucent, they reflect light a different way...especially white skin like this wouldn’t be just...white like putty. Dunno if you ever saw a white person, but we got so many veins...there was so much potential to make something really gross and fleshy.

Instead we got silly putty. It’s fine. I’m fine.

So General Hakuro decides to just...kill everyone right now.

This makes no sense to me.

That means that the whole thing of Lust killing Hughes was completely unrelated to General Hakuro. All Hakuro needed was Shou Tucker, who has been in prison for...I assume months since Ed shipped him off. And Shou was only released today? Just now? Just now when Hughes was shot?

So this all just happened at the same time by accident?

I mean the General sent us to the wrong lab initially, so he didn’t actually want us to be here, and now that we are here, he’s going to set off an entire army as a reaction to three people walking in and going “oops”?

So, lets get a look at our army.

Oh it was so disappointing, this reveal. Not just the eyeball that has a bounce light coming from below the top lip there (how did that even happen???) but also when it opened it’s mouth, it had a flat animation of skin breaking--it wasn’t actually rendered 3d skin, it was like a jpg wrapped around it or something (or at least that was the illusion I got. That is fine for a video game or a TV show, but this is a movie. This is shot so that it can be displayed in a size bigger than your own house.

What happened to the animation team on this one? Not saying I can do better, cuz no, I can’t, that 3d chapter in my life was a while back, but I’m just one guy. This was an entire animation studio and they just...didn’t render 3d face ripping (which is their entire job, to work in 3d) and then they kinda just turned on the stock physics dynamics and dropped em instead of animating them.

The way they fell was like fish from a bucket--the same amount of speed, too. they all ragdolled like a 3D shooter, their rigs just hanging on for dear life (and yes, you could see the deforming happen on the joints of these models.) I’m fine with having a computer program render something out with a physics engine...but there is a balance.

You do have to still go in there and finangle it back because...real life is hella stupid. Real physics? So stupid. It was hilarious how nonthreatening it was, too because they’re like...the size of shrimps in that zoom out image. The scale is just so wild!

It was like one bored guy in a sound booth and they multiplied his voice three times. Golden. Absolutely golden.

So these guys stride over, all of them with the same amount of speed (leading me to think it was probably a recorded walk cycle they all share with slight alterations between all of em) and they kinda just...pile on eachother in a weird way.

I will give them this: I was happy to see something that wasn’t physics or procedural. They mo-capped and animated that part for sure. It had the touch of an artist’s hand. It was also a very funny way for Hakuro to die because this guy was on screen for like 5 minutes, and maybe 7 minutes of this whole movie.

Youknow...I think it really says a lot about your nude 3d models if they’re not disturbingly human enough to trigger the tumblr filter, youknow?

Anyway, Envy looks on.

And then Gluttony saves the city.

Meanwhile, they decide to bust out the fire effects and Mustang becomes the most useful person in this entire movie. Like honestly this movie was poorly named, because it should have just been “Mustang saves the FullMetal Alchemist’s Entire Ass.”

The next part seems like I forgot a cap, or maybe missed something. I swear to you, I did not.

First off, Al becomes fullmetal and makes this happen without an alchemy circle. The show doesn’t really care to talk about that though, it’s just a thing he can do now, and you’d only notice it if you were writing a Tumblr post about it.

I swear to you, Winry is just inside of Al and there is no explanation.

There is no explanation for this.

She was on the couch...why is she not on the couch? What?

And then when you think they might have a moment, Ed’s like.

Damn.

For reals what the hell was that entire scene except for a way for Ed to get his arm stitched back on in like 2 minutes?

Outside, Envy and Lust are just strolling around the back-alley of this red brick building we have seen used for this entire movie.

And like...it’s so funny to me because they weren’t trying to run or hide. It makes complete sense why they got shot. This is what happens when you just...walk away when the whole military guard wants to kill you.

Now lets go see how Hawkeye is faring.

Luckily, all of the ambling bodies have decided to walk slowly through this one weird grass section between extremely long buildings.

And Hawkeye tells everyone “You have to shoot their heads off” and I want you to look at that scene and tell me how many of those bodies still have heads.

Oh, all of them. Don’t worry about it.

Kinda hard to see, but Ed shows up to give Mustang a hand, which was fully unnecessary but we’ll get to that in a bit.

This movie is such a gem.

Ed goes big brain and realizes that Envy is still burned up, and thus is about to pass on.

And whatever, I’ll take it. It’s not like the movie has told us that they are made out of 1000000 lives, for all we know, in the movie universe, they really are only 4 lives. Like half a cat. Maybe Father only killed half a cat instead of an entire city.

Yugi Muto would be so freakin proud of Envy for how often this guy gets hit square in the chest with fire balls. It’s basically every scene where Envy and Mustang share screen time.

And don’t worry, I don’t think Envy died? But they sure made it look like he did, which I’m sure everyone everywhere was really happy to see, since Envy’s death was one of the climaxes of the whole series. Like people used to make these lists of “top 10 saddest anime deaths” and how many people had Envy on there? Like everyone? People freakin love Envy and they did him so much dirty in this movie.

Again I have no explanation for Winry.

So Mustang is like, Ed, you make sure Winry doesn’t biff it in that corner, and I’ll do my actual job over here on this side. And yo, he did.

And so then that’s it, Lust is dead, and now we have a Sorcerer’s stone.

Man it looks delicious, right?

I’d eat the hell out of that.

Anyway, we only have one more update and we’re done with this movie!

I know!

I know! They only have 10-15 minutes to resolve pretty much everything, and that’s assuming that the credits don’t take up a heap of that. Hell, I might only have 3 caps next episode if that’s all credits. I honestly don’t remember.

Anyway, hope y’all take it easy this February, here is a link for people who just got here to read these FMA recaps in Chrono order.

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/fma/chrono

#FMA #Fullmetal Alchemist #Fullmetal Alchemist Movie #recap #photo recap #ed elric #colonel mustang #hawkeye #al elric #Winry Rockbell #so much fire #so much almost there CG

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itsclydebitches · 5 years

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RWBY Recaps: Volume 6. Argus Limited

This is a re-posting from Oct. 27th, 2018 in an effort to get all my recaps fully on tumblr. Thanks!

Volume Six is here, folks! I am so very, stupidly excited for this season. Heartfelt thanks go out to my friend who was all, “lol yeah sure” when I begged to use their FIRST account to watch. There are heroes in this world and they’re one of them.

A quick note about recaps from here on out: they will (my productivity willing) be uploaded sometime on Thursday or Friday proceeding the new episode. This is partly so that I’m not scrambling to post immediately afterwards—stress and bad writing all around—and partly so that, you know, we can actually recap stuff before the next episode airs. So yeah, that’s the goal.

Let’s do it!

We open on a gorgeous, snowy scene with ROOSTER TEETH PRESENTS smack dab in the middle. You know that feeling you get when you hear the Harry Potter theme at the beginning of a new film and the whole theater loses their shit? Same with Doctor Who and Star Wars? Whatever your preferred fandom, the point is I get the same chills when RWBY comes back and it’s excellent.

The animation really is gorgeous though and I sigh happily whenever I see it, thinking back to the days when cookies disappeared directly into Ruby’s mouth. There’s nostalgia, sure, but it doesn’t beat this detail.

We hear the distant sound of a train and then we’re thrown into exactly what we’ve wanted for literal years now: Team RWBY back together again, fighting not creepy adults but just some good, old fashioned grimm. They’re chimeras and… griffins? Ngl I’m not entirely sure, but they’re big, flying, fire-breathing nasties, so that’s really all we need to know. Luckily everyone falls back into old habits, easily supporting one another and executing perfect attacks (a contrast to the residual tension we’ll see in just a bit). Ruby is so busy posing after a successful kill that she misses the grimm coming at her from behind. Weiss saves her ass with a cheeky, “Thank me later!” At the end of the fight we get a reversal wherein a hit nearly sends Weiss tumbling off the side of the train, though Ruby grabs her at the last second with her own, “Thank me later!” It’s a fun little exchange made better when we think back to the Vytal Tournament. Weiss still “had her back” then too, but was more resistant to Ruby’s proclamation that they’re BFFs. Now the teasing is on both ends.

Notably, Ruby saves Weiss by taking her into her semblance, creating a cloud of rose petals that are half red, half white. Now combined with the old team-ups and some shots in the new opening, this has led a number of fans (myself included) to wonder if a WhiteRose pairing is in our future. Which also means that the ship wars are in full swing. Needless to say I’m not about that nonsense and I’ll only point out here what I said episodes back: if it’s a queer relationship with one of our main girls, and not a random side character who was previously out to murder a whole family? I’m on board.

Back in the fight though. The rest of team RNJR appears with Nora exclaiming, “Why is it always something?” God that’s a mood. Welcome to adulthood, kid. It’s just one crisis after another—except in your case the crises are objectively more dangerous. Sorry about that. We get to see Jaune’s improved reflexes as he fends off all the fireballs with his shield while Ren and Nora team up to knock some of the monsters out.

Honestly, I love this trope in action stories. Where—as Nora does here—a character just shouts out a friend’s name to get their attention and they immediately know what kind of move they’re about to pull off. It’s made more hilarious to me given that RWBY once had attack names and Jaune at least made the attempt with JNPR...but apparently they're not needed anymore. So unrealistic, yet so very cool when used.

So yeah, things are going pretty smoothly… up until Oscar yells out “Tunnel!” Ruby saves Weiss from falling, they manage to get over or between the cars, and in the sudden darkness we transition to what we only realize later is a flashback. At least, I didn’t realize it until later. Totally thought we’d had a time skip and they were just hopping another train…

My stupidity aside, before we hit the train station we actually see a familiar hallway filled with angry voices discussing the disaster at Haven—one of which is Adam’s. I really enjoyed this technique, wherein we slowly pan across the room as the voices grow more frantic and the sounds of fighting break out, the camera revealing bodies scattered across the floor. By the time we reach the throne—and Adam on it— we realize that the fight occurred prior to this moment, something that Adam is now remembering. He goes all skyward scream on us as he howls menacingly. Okay, dude. Compared to Cinder and Salem you’re really not all that.

Now we’re at the train station where Qrow is narrating a letter to Ironwood. Hell yes, please bring back the badass, protective Ironwood who defended the students at Beacon and stood up for Weiss. I’d be very pleased if he joins the RWBY gang by the Volume’s end. Qrow’s optimistic about the trip—they’ve plans to reach Ironwood before the letter does, which says either good things about Remnant’s transportation or bad things about its mail—though of course we as the audience know it’s not going to be nearly that simple. We learn that only two weeks have passed since the battle, but people are still reeling from all the implications. Lionheart tragically lost his life defending the school and oh, some students coincidentally were there and did some stuff. Excellent choice in showing us the mindless crowds while we hear this, the naive masses who, yes, would absolutely believe a story like this.

It’s easy to criticize no one supposedly noticing Salem, magic, the finger Ozpin has in every pie, etc. but ultimately people believe what they’re told—especially when it’s much easier to swallow than the truth.

Enough of the doom and gloom though. Ruby is having the time of her life.

Qrow: “What’s with the running?”

Ruby: “What’s with the standing?!”

I love this girl so very much and it’s wonderful when we get to see her acting like the kid she is. She uses her semblance with abandon because yeah, if I could turn into rose petals I’d be doing that all the time too. Ruby teases Yang with something from the gift shop and I really hope we get to see what that is. Yes, we end the episode with everyone left stranded in the wilderness, but if Yang’s bike can survive then so can Ruby’s souvenirs.

(Seriously though they presumably lost all their luggage that sucks.)

Everyone else is in top, feel-good form too. Nora daydreams about hitting the beach, complete with a thought bubble of topless Ren and a beachball. Weiss quips about how she spent all last Volume getting out of Atlas, thanks, but Ruby reassures her that at least she’s back with the team now. When two jokers arrive boasting about how they’ll be the ones keeping the train safe from grimm, Ruby and Yang act exactly as nieces should when your cool uncle is telling them off. AKA, making fun of them behind his back.

God they must have been terrors as toddlers. I mean we already know Yang carted Ruby off into the woods one day so yeah, I’m pretty confident in expressing my surprise that Tai doesn’t have a full head of gray hair.

The two Nice Guys go on to specify that they’ll provide extra protection for a “generous tip,” which—while essentially a throwaway line—reminds us how most of the world functions outside of our close-knit cast. Money, and more specifically Schnee money, quite literally dictates who lives and who dies. Not everything about RWBY is fantasy oriented…

We learn that everyone is just waiting on Blake— “as usual”—and we cut to her with Ilia as the two of them say their goodbyes. Ilia will be helping Ghira lead the Faunus in a “new movement” and is supposedly 100% on the straight and narrow now. Cool? I guess? To be honest I’m fine with her taking a back seat for this Volume. There’s a moment where we get a shot of Ilia and Blake’s feet, the former’s angled forward in a classic kiss pose, and I was super glad to see that they were just sharing a hug. I really don’t want the first LGBTQIA kiss on RWBY to be iffy on consent, considering that Ilia knows Blake isn’t interested. Hug though? That was super sweet.

Sun and Neptune show up to say their goodbyes too. They’re heading to Vacuo to meet up with the rest of their team because, in Sun’s words, he’s the “worst leader” ever. You kinda are, dude? I loved Sun up until they had him following Blake without her permission and continuing to do so after she asked for space, all in the name of the guy supposedly knowing what the girl really needs. The reminder that Sun abandoned his team to do this just reinforces how much I dislike that plot-line.

Sun gets the kiss—on the cheek—and after leaving Neptune lectures him on “letting [Blake] go.” Except it’s not about you? Blake is off to quite literally save the world and the fact that these guys view that as a threat to any potential relationship is… icky. Ugh. Oh well. They’re presumably gonna be offscreen for a while.

The train finally arrives and everyone piles in. We’re back to bunk beds! And of course Team RWBY is situated exactly as they were in Beacon’s dorms. Weiss gets annoyed with Ruby’s cloak hanging down over the side. Blake has a book in her lap. Ruby challenges Yang to a video game. Cue nostalgia. I fully expect fluffy AU fics where they ride the train all the way to Atlas and treat the trip as one giant, dramatic sleepover. This is non-negotiable.

Tension seeps back in though when Yang moves to pull her luggage from the rack and Blake immediately hops up to help her. In a super guilty “I know I fucked up and now I’m gonna smother you” way. Really excellent voice acting here. Yang ends up reassuring her. No, things aren’t perfect between them yet… but they’re definitely improving.

While short, for me this scene was perfectly balanced between acknowledging the girls’ complicated relationship without totally undermining the happy mood. Nicely done.

Then Qrow shows up with a drink. A drink with a slice of orange on the side. I have never enjoyed a moment more and I was so surprised I didn't take a screenshot of it. Clearly I was too distracted and am I too lazy to go back for one now? You betcha. The point is everything is fine, dandy, and filled with alcohol.

So of course RT goes and ruins it for me. Something hits the train and in a split second everyone is on high alert. A quick peek out the window reveals grimm and Blake mutters darkly that it’s “just my luck.”

Qrow: “Not yours.”

Are they gonna leave the safety of the train to those bozos from before? Hell no. Especially when one guy is grabbed right when the fight starts. I mean, poor dude, but he also kinda sucked as a Huntsmen. He wouldn’t have even made it past Beacon’s initiation, let alone graduated.

…I guess he’s kind of like early Jaune? Useless, wannabe hero who acts more confident than he actually is? Aw, now I really do feel bad.

He’s grimm food though. Gotta move on with our lives.

The other dude isn’t doing too well either, though RWBY and NJR + Oscar quickly show up, coming full circle to where we began the episode. Oscar insists that he’s got this fight under control which tells me (hopefully) that in the past two weeks they’ve had serious conversations about if and when Ozpin gets to have control. That’s super great, though I do wish we could have seen it. Flashbacks, maybe?

As the fight begins Ruby announces that the plan amounts to “don’t let anyone else die.” Uh...Ruby? Buddy. Pal. This is why people die. Because they didn’t have plans! Pyrrha—god rest her reckless soul—went off after a freaking Maiden by herself. Jaune got Amber killed because he didn’t obey the plan of watching the door. Lionheart frantically calls Salem with no real plan for what he’s going to offer her in exchange for his life! Plans are important, Ruby. You’re the team strategist. It was a badass line, I grant you, but please do not.

Luckily, no one (else) dies. That would have been pretty brutal for a premier. +1 point for world building where we see that trains like this have built in defenses to fight off grimm. -2 points for how useless it ends up being. As Qrow quickly points out, the turrets are drawing all the grimm to the front of the train where the passengers are. So, not good. Oscar is charged with telling the surviving goon to knock it off already while Qrow faces off against the super fierce chimera grimm. Not gonna lie though, when its tail first started up I thought Qrow was getting attacked by a dove…

This time when we hit the tunnel everyone makes it back safely inside with the exception of Goon #2 who gets his arm injured in the scramble. He’s literally crying on the ground when, in a pretty harsh move, Qrow drags him up and demands to know what the hell all that was. Civility and benefit of the doubt? Not Qrow’s strong points. It allows Ruby to take control of the situation though. How do you make sure that your cast of kids is continually calling the shots? A) isolate them and B) when you can’t do that have the adults act like children instead. We see that a fair bit in RWBY.

Jaune steps in to heal the guy’s arm, which is an unexpected surprise. I honestly thought we'd get a whole Volume’s worth of him figuring out how to access and control his semblance, though I suppose once it manifests you’ve got the basics down. We’ve seen that semblances can be improved upon—Ruby turning other people she carries into petals; Ren dampening the emotions of a whole train—so presumably Jaune will be able to heal more complex and life-threatening things in the future. We also hear in the ensuing conversation that he can amplify someone else’s aura…to be decided what exactly that means, how it connects to healing, and what the limits of the skill is.

During some theorizing about the attack Ozpin brings up that grimm are attracted to the relic they’re carrying and… oh boy. Here we go. Is it tradition that every recap the fandom goes for Ozpin’s throat while I stand here defending him? Might be. Let’s create a (semi) comprehensive list:

This might have been less of a secret and more of a slip. The guy is thousands of years old and the forces they’re dealing with are stupidly complicated. He can’t info dump every detail of a multi-century war in one sitting. So—

He might have thought this was one of those innocuous things that shouldn’t take precedent right now. Not the sort of thing he needs to worry them with. He claims in the promo that he didn't lie to the group and he quite possibly didn't. There's a big difference between lying and not telling someone every single possible thing that might be pertinent. Especially when—

We know that grimm are already attracted to people/negative emotion and they’re sequestered within a whole train full of presumably stressed travelers. There’s no reason to think the artifact would put them in more danger than they already are and therefore isn't at the top of the list of revelations to dole out. Especially with—

Qrow and his bad luck semblance. He literally just implied that the grimm were there because of him. There’s a reason he didn’t want Ruby near him during the fight with Tyrian and now they’re all stuck together in close quarters. The grimm were coming anyway. Even if we didn't have Qrow's semblance and big crowds we can also assume as much because of—

Those turrets. They weren’t there for a fashion statement. The whole train was crazy armored. They’re clearly very used to getting attacked on this route. It's a normal thing.

All of which is to say that the relic is one of MANY reasons why they might have gotten a buttload of grimm on their tail. Ozpin mentions this as one possibility in a very “Here’s something else to consider” way and everyone (characters and fandom alike) jump on him like he’s solely responsible for this predicament. Besides, what would they have done differently? Not carry the relic? That’s not an option. Be more on guard? They’re already constantly on guard. None of their actions would have changed had they known.

Really though, it’s the keeping of secrets that people are mad about, not necessarily what the secret is. So if we ignore the possibility above that Ozpin legit didn’t think this was worth mentioning/even forgot about it, we have a) he withheld the information because it might have made them wary about traveling with others, but they need to get to Atlas as fast as possible and the train is the best way to do that. So yeah, that’s a possible change, though I agree with Ozpin’s theoretical logic here. It was worth the risk.

b) he didn’t tell them because—again—worry is a negative emotion and that might have just doubled their problem. Awful as it is, knowing you're carrying a thing that might attract more grimm is one of the best ways to make sure that you do, in fact, attract them. Knowing what the relic does is dangerous.

c) he doesn’t trust them with all the information about these super powerful relics that are going to decide the fate of their world. Which honestly? Kind of fair. Yeah, I know he promised them no more secrets, but this is a centuries old, god-like entity making a promise to a child. It’s not even really a matter of trust anymore. We’ve got a core group of nine here and everyone has someone else they’re close to. Ruby isn’t going to keep secrets from Tai. Blake will probably fill Sun in when she sees him again. Weiss is close to her sister. Etc. In short, as soon as this many people know a secret it isn't a secret anymore. Ozpin is no doubt aware that anything he tells to their now massive group is fair game and he has to carefully consider what he wants to risk going public/landing in Salem's hands. A general doesn't tell every lieutenant the details of every plan. That's a good way to lose the war. Fate of the world vs. a promise made to Yang? C’mon. There are priorities here.

d) finally, we’ve seen evidence—particularly after the iconic food fight—that Ozpin desperately wants his students to be kids as long as they can. He might keep information to himself simply because he doesn’t want to burden them. And given all the reasons listed above for why they'd be dealing with grimm anyway, what's the harm in giving them what little peace he can? It's not perfect reasoning and if this is the case the others have a right to be annoyed, but it's understandable. It certainly doesn't make Ozpin the monster I see countless posts painting him as.

Plus, Yang? I’m not sure you have the right to get indignant about keeping secrets right now. Granted, there’s some ambiguity surrounding whether she’s mentioned Raven as the Spring Maiden, but regardless we haven’t seen any evidence that she’s told the group the details of what happened down in the vault. That’s a pretty big thing to be keeping to yourself.

A lot bigger than, “Oh yeah this relic attracts the thing we’re attracting anyway. My bad.”

Why the relic attracts grimm is another question. Because it’s connected to the original brothers? Just because Salem wants it and she seems to be the grimms’ creator? We’ll have to see.

Ruby interrupts everyone’s fury to point out that they have bigger issues at the moment and Ozpin’s expression kind of kills me? He looks so shocked to have anyone standing up for him, even if it’s a defense of practicality instead of his actions. I wonder if this Volume is going to have the team starting to lose a little faith in Ruby. Given the clear divide here (angry Ren, Nora, Weiss, Yang, and Blake on one side; Ruby, Oscar, Ozpin on the other) this might be a major theme moving forward. It would make a lot of sense too given Ruby's past relationship with Ozpin. To Yang he's just her headmaster; to Ruby he's the headmaster that let her into her dream school early. To Blake he's someone who wanted information from her before she was ready to give it; to Ruby he's the adult who gave her advice at the dance and was emotionally open with her about committing more mistakes "than any man, woman, or child." No matter how far she's come, they'll always be a part of Weiss that sees Ozpin as the teacher who didn't give her the leadership position she thought she deserved; to Ruby he's the man that has put a staggering amount of trust in her: by letting her into his school, giving her a team, sending her to Mountain Glenn, etc.

Now, it might be time for Ruby to put her trust in Ozpin.

Fight temporarily averted, they decide to separate the teams… which felt a little forced to me. I mean I get it. As said, giant group. It’s hard to write and keep track of that many, so let’s knock three offstage for a while. Jaune, Ren, and Nora will see the people to safety while Ruby and the rest of the gang eventually catch up. We get a glimpse of Maria—the old lady with awesome glasses—clearly plotting something and then everyone heads back to the roof to finish the fight with the grimm.

Blake has a quick vision of Adam; the last time she separated a train car. Excellent touch there. Ruby tells Ren to use his semblance through the scroll, but we also get a glimpse of their signals getting weaker. Another nice touch considering how important we know the scrolls are throughout the RWBY universe: how the team keeps in contact during the Volume Four short, the damage that the fall of the CCT tower has caused, etc.

We get a final, epic showdown with a massive grimm where everyone’s teamwork proves to be some top tier stuff. Blake and Yang capture it using Blake’s ribbon. Weiss freezes off its wings. Then—in a fantastic split screen—Ruby and Qrow both use their scythes to cut the creature in two. I’m here for the power family moves.

Only problem is that a final fireball from the grimm hits the train, derailing their section. Weiss keeps them all from dying an awful death, but now they’re kind of stranded.

I mean, they already were stranded before, but I guess the hope was the back of the train would have carried them farther down the tracks before losing momentum?

In the final scene we have an unexpected voice happily proclaiming that they’re still alive but boy, that was a close one! Maria hobbles out, having clearly planned to be with this group when they went their own way.

My personal theory? She knows (and to some extent recognizes) Ozpin. I can’t believe he wasn’t involved in a conflict like the Great War. Hell, he was probably at the center of it and Maria looks very old by RWBY standards. We have no concept of how long people in this world can live so I don’t think it’s a stretch to put her in her 90s or well over 100—old enough to have fought in the War and potentially recognize one of the central figures, even in a new reincarnation depending on her instincts, knowledge, and semblance. Her name lends a bit of credence to her age, if nothing else. As far as I know “Maria” doesn’t mean/isn’t evocative of a color… though I’m far from an expert. Could totally be wrong about that.

Regardless, we’ll see. More info arrives next week!

Other Details of Note

The grimm are at a distance when we first spot them and they actually look a lot like crows. The same motif we’ve seen with Raven and Qrow’s entrances but, you know, bad.

I really liked Qrow’s line to Ironwood about how they’re bringing “more than bad news.” It’s appropriately vague—can’t go admitting that Oz is back with the group—and at the same time quite up-lifting.

I personally take Ozpin’s “I hope they’re not from Beacon” as more of a joke than a true worry. If you’re telling me that this old as balls control freak doesn’t remember every student that’s ever passed through those doors… I don’t believe you.

When Blake is saying goodbye to Ilia and Sun we have lots of animation for her ears, helping to express her emotions. It says a lot about her character development that she hasn’t re-adopted the bow in such a crowded, human packed space.

Neptune is pursuing the “wrong tree” okay lol that was good.

When Neptune and Sun discuss re-uniting the team we briefly hear the soundtrack from their Vytal Festival match. Excellent.

Interestingly, Oscar gives Ozpin control immediately during the conversation about the relic, almost like he already knew what was going to be revealed and understood that it was important… I wonder how much they’re sharing thoughts now, two weeks later.

Here, have a beach Ren and happy birb. Yes, I went back for the screenshots...

#rwby #rwby spoilers #mymetas #RWBY Recaps

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merlinficreview · 7 years

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Broken Chemistry Review (part seven)

What’s up, Tumblr? I hope you haven’t missed me in the several months I’ve been absent because I sure as heck haven’t missed reviewing this dumpster fire of a story, but here we are. Someday you will tire of my bitching, but perhaps today is not that day. That said, let’s get this show on the road.

We start this chapter off with Arthur angrily answering his phone. It’s Morgana on the line, which we know because he tells us and because she calls back the second he doesn’t pick up. Those pesky sisters, always blowing up your phone. Arthur gives her lip when he finally decides to answer, to which she replies, “I think the last person to feel this way on Christmas was Mary, and that was because she pushed a human being through her vaginal canal. What’s your excuse?”

I’m sure that sounded a lot wittier in your head, SCD07, but it’s really just an odd thing to say and honestly kind of gross visually. Just go with “and she was giving birth” or something if you want to insert a weirdly sacrilegious remark here. The point gets across just fine.

Arthur explains that “we have the Monday off but only because we need the day to finish work, not to celebrate the holiday,” which makes no sense because that’s the exact opposite of having a day off. Morgana starts blathering on about Christmas trees or something and Arthur interrupts her by asking if she knew Merlin was gay. She gets quiet and then asks, “What did you do?” Very perceptive, Morgana, because as far as I can tell Arthur is always in the wrong in this fic. It’s nice to have a character validate this observation for me. Good job.

Arthur is of course shocked that she thinks he might have done anything wrong, but she barrels over him and demands he start talking.

We then suddenly switch to Merlin’s point of view, which honestly took me a moment to catch because there is no break in the text to indicate this change. Merlin is waking up to a barrage of text messages from his friends and family, and I guess him not answering his phone in thirty seconds is cause for alarm because Gwaine and Lancel send him worried messages, and Lancel calls when he gets no response (even though Merlin’s phone literally just vibrated with texts from them, so I’m not sure what the problem is). Merlin picks up and tells Lancel that Arthur doesn’t like him. Lancel asks him to explain from the beginning, and the POV switches again with no warning. If this shit keeps up, I’m going to write this whole chapter off as a lost cause. POV shifts are fine when done right, but this is not one of those times, and it is insufferable because I have no idea who I’m supposed to be following at any given time. Pick a point of view and stick with it, or at the very least give warning when you are going to shift.

Anyway, we go back to Arthur and Morgana, and Morgana lays it out like it is: “you had a heartfelt moment by a lake in which you explicitly told Merlin to be honest with you in both word and emotion…and then you threw it back in his face.” It’s kind of rewarding when characters point out the hypocritical actions of each other. Someone has needed to call Arthur out on his shit for basically this entire story, so while this is admittedly late (we’re over halfway through this fucker) I’m just going to be glad this is happening at all.

Arthur admits that he might have been in the wrong for being such a dick to Merlin...

...but then he starts moaning and groaning about how he can’t date a man because of Uther and whatnot. Arthur is majorly missing the point here, in my opinion. When Morgana starts shitting on daddy dearest, Arthur gets upset, and she explodes, ranting and raving about how abusive and suppressive Uther has been to both of them (but especially Arthur) all because of his wife’s death. It’s all very dramatic, but there’s been buildup for it, I guess. It ends with Morgana saying she’s disappointed in Arthur before hanging up and leaving Arthur in tears.

Back to Merlin! Again, no indication of this POV change, and I’m starting to get twitchy about it. It appears that Merlin has told both Lancel and Gwaine (because now he’s here too, I guess) all about Arthur and his assholery. Gwaine asks if Arthur has apologized, and Merlin says that he hasn’t seen Arthur in two days. That’s an awful long time to go without seeing someone you live and work with, but that’s just me and my logic talking. What do I know, right?

Gwaine then asks what Merlin is doing for New Years, and Merlin tells him that he’s working. It’s apparently optional, but to me that seems excessive for whatever bullshit internship they have these kids doing. I’m not believing it. Lancel and Gwaine tell Merlin to take a load off and have some fun without Arthur, and Gwaine says, “Merlin, you should know that my parents are obscenely rich, and I am not above extorting their money on a plane ticket to pick your ass up. If you don’t call, I’m coming.” That’s not how you use the word extort, and I really don’t think it would look good on Merlin’s part to just up and leave before the end of an internship where they apparently want you to keep working on both Christmas and New Years, but again, what do I know?

Raiment is once again used to ill effect, and Merlin goes about the rest of his day, buying some groceries and bath bombs before coming home and using one of said bath bombs, then giving Gwaine and Lancel a check in call to wish them good night. Arthur stumbles home after dark and eats some of the chicken Merlin left in the oven. More hints are given about Merlin continuing to not eat: “Merlin had obviously picked at it, but overall it looked untouched, juicy, and beckoning.” It’s contradictory for food to be picked at and untouched at the same time, but since Merlin refuses to eat anything, I’m going to assume it falls more into the untouched category. Arthur then goes to sleep. This little section goes by very quickly, which is kind of odd given how drawn out most everything else has been in this stupid story, but the faster things move along, the sooner I can finish, so I’m not going to complain.

We jump to the next morning at the lab with Merlin and Freya on what I guess is Boxing Day. Good on you for taking Christmas off, Merlin, even if you mostly used it to mope. Bringing Boxing Day up feels like another failed attempt at a Britishism, however. No kudos for that. Freya notes that Merlin looks “different” and that it’s “not in a good way.” Ouch, Freya. So maybe he skipped his beauty routine for the day. Let a guy live. She pesters him about Arthur, and Merlin says he doesn’t want to talk about it, so the topic is dropped. So much for that. Merlin is somehow cheered up by this awkward conversation and the rest of the work day goes smoothly. When he comes home, he fully expects Arthur to be asleep (not sure why, but I’m guessing their sleep schedules don’t match now that they’re fighting, which makes no sense). But no such luck, as Arthur is waiting for Merlin in the kitchen, all while snacking on the leftover stuffing from that chicken Merlin left for him the night before. Arthur notices Merlin wearing the white scarf he gave him for Christmas and calls out to him before Merlin can angrily stalk away to his room.

It’s time for a big, dramatic Talk.

Fun times.

“’We need to talk.’

‘About what?’ he responded mutely.”

Oxymoron. You can’t say words and be mute at the same time. Mutely and quietly are not interchangeable. Your thesaurus has failed you yet again. Might want to put it away for a while.

“Arthur gave him a look that suggested he was seeking patience. ‘Friday night.’

‘I think a spelunking trip is planned—‘”

Spelunking? I don’t even know why they bother with the pretense of work for this stupid all-expenses-paid vacation. Spelunking, camping, stargazing, free food, free transportation, free (swanky) living arrangements, all while on a beach somewhere in the southern hemisphere in December…these “interns” have got it made. Sign me up for this nonsense pronto.

Arthur pretends to apologize for “judging Merlin too soon,” whatever that means in this context, and claims that he wants to know more about Merlin since they’re stuck with each other for another week and a half until this vacation ends. He then decides to bring up that rape Merlin mentioned during Arthur’s Big Gay Panic. I mean, that’s not exactly where I would have wanted to start off this conversation as it seems a gross invasion of Merlin’s privacy, but we’ve already established that Arthur doesn’t give a single shit about that, so carry on, I guess.

He asks who did it, and it turns out it was Will, Merlin’s childhood friend and really the only friend he seemed to have aside from his mutual friends with Arthur. Arthur asks how a lifelong friend could do that to Merlin, and Merlin tries to justify the whole thing:

“’He didn’t grow up in a healthy home…we,’ he shrugged involuntarily, ‘we were close…and grew closer, but when we were officially together he was bullied. We broke up, but it didn’t end. I thought he just needed to gather his courage, that if I waited, he’d move out. We went to the same university, and everything was fine…until he was bullied again.’

He inhaled and continued, ‘He broke it off, but I didn’t understand why. I didn’t understand how much he was hurt over the years and how the scars had festered. I pushed him, but he pushed back…and he felt that he needed to make a point.’

Arthur voice was just above a snarl. ‘How does rape prove a point?’

Merlin felt like his throat was swelling up; his mouth opened, trying to breath but he couldn’t get enough air. ‘He…took pictures…while he did it…and uploaded them to a campus site. I didn’t know…he misjudged the dose of the drugs and I was hospitalized, but when I was discharged…everyone knew I was gay…and…the feedback wasn’t good.’”

M’kay, so there’s a lot to break down here. First, all of the typos and errors in the above quote are actually present in the fic. The breath/breathe mix up is one of my particular writing pet peeves, so I feel it is completely necessary to bring it up as not being my doing.

Anyway, onto the meat of this passage: Merlin and Will were on-again/off-again, mostly because Will was bullied for it. Not sure why Merlin was not also bullied for this, however; if these bullies knew about Will being with a dude, chances are they knew about Merlin too. Odd that these undefined bullies would single only Will out in this situation.

I’m also not sure if Merlin is trying to justify Will’s actions to the reader or to himself. If it’s to himself, then okay, it’s problematic but kind of works with Merlin’s character so far, so I can roll with that. If it’s to the reader (which it kind of seems like it might be)…that’s really fucking gross. Rape is never okay. Raping someone because you had a shitty life does not absolve you of your crime, especially when you photograph your victim and spread the images around as a fucked up means of revenge, and even more so when it is revenge for simply having the audacity to be gay. Not okay.

It also turns out that on top of overdosing Merlin and raping him, Will was the one who gave him mono and Will was physically abusive in the relationship. This seems like massive overkill all for the sake of drama and making Merlin into the biggest victim possible. Kind of like how cartoonishly villainous Uther is in this fic, Will’s actions seem way over the top to me.

Let’s review: he’s a rapist who believes in revenge porn (even when all his victim did was be in a relationship with him; Merlin wasn’t even the one to break things off as far as I can tell, so the revenge aspect of this makes no sense to me), he gave Merlin the mono that is used to explain away the Eating Disorder We Don’t Talk About, he overdosed Merlin on date rape drugs, and he hit Merlin while they were together. Sound excessive to you? It sounds pretty excessive to me. Any of those things would be pretty fucking terrible, but we’ve got to up the ante to make Merlin the biggest damsel possible, so why not have Will do all of the above? Makes sense.

Lastly, I want to mention, if I haven’t already in a previous review, that there is no warning for rape in this story. I would be less likely to point this out had SCD07 not warned for anything, but they did warn for “graphic depictions of violence,” so this seems like a pretty intentional thing to leave off. There is the tag “mentions of rape” on this story, which I feel is woefully inadequate given the graphic assault on Merlin from Agravaine previously and how essential Will’s rape and abuse of Merlin is to Merlin’s character. Had the author put “chose not to warn” on this fic, I would be more okay with having no heads-up about the massive amounts of rape throughout this story, but since they bothered to warn for graphic violence (which we have yet to see), I’m assuming they deliberately left the rape warning off because they didn’t want to spoil it as a plot point (which makes no sense since “mentions of rape” is a tag), or they didn’t see rape as being such a big deal as to need a warning (guess which one I’m leaning towards). Regardless, it’s gross. Have some respect for your readers. Choosing not to warn on stories archived on AO3 is fine so long as your readers know that the lack of warning is a conscious effort on your part as the author, which is shown when you use the “author chose not to warn” tag. But basically writing something like rape off as being unimportant by tagging “mentions of rape” and having no warning? Especially when it’s actually one of the main plot points/character motivations in your story and has been graphically depicted? Fuck you.

Arthur tells Merlin that he shouldn’t be so “reckless” with his sexuality (whatever that means) and that while yes, Arthur is bisexual, he isn’t open about it because “of those reasons.” No reasons are given before this, by the way, so this is vague and unhelpful until the subject of Arthur’s mother is brought up: “I know she was killed in a terrorist attack against minorities, including homosexuals.” Pfft, I almost forgot about that nonsense. Still over the top and funny. Sorry, not sorry.

Merlin tells Arthur that he doesn’t get where Arthur is coming from in wanting to stay in the closet because their friends are so accepting of Merlin’s sexuality and that they accept Arthur for who he is too. (Still doesn’t excuse Lancel from blurting out his closeted friend’s sexuality to you within five minutes of meeting you, Merlin, but whatever.) Arthur’s rebuttal is that his father would disown him. But ah, Merlin has something to say about that too: “’I told you, Uther knows,’ Merlin countered wearily. ‘He’s known since you were four and marrying boys on the playground. It’s just about the only saving grace Uther has: he loves his family.’” Arthur does not take this backhanded compliment well; he is tired of people shitting on his father

Merlin again has something to say about the way the Pendragon family operates: “’Arthur, I’ve met my father recently,’ Merlin informed, ‘and already he and I act more familial than I have ever seen Uther treat you. Both you and Morgana refer to him by his name, and you do so to his face. I call my mother’s name because she can’t hear me out of all the other kids shouting Mom in the middle of the farmer’s market. Your house is a cave…a castle with cold walls; a complete contrast to the garden outside.’” That...seems kind of hypocritical on your part, Merlin. Just because you feel like you have a super close bond with Balinor for whatever reason does not mean that you somehow have a better relationship with him than Arthur does with his father. Especially considering Balinor abandoned Merlin for his entire life up until now, watching over him and sending money when he was sick but doing fuck all besides. Not exactly father of the year material.

And the whole calling your mother by her name in a farmer’s market because a bunch of other kids call their mothers Mom as well? That’s stupid as hell. My mum would be far less likely to respond to me calling her by her given name, since I’ve been using variants of mum since I was small. You can’t call someone out for using their parent’s name when you do the same thing.

They can’t come to a peace over their thoughts concerning Uther, and things remain tense between them. Merlin then says he will go on the spelunking trip only if Arthur isn’t, which seems like a dick thing to say to Arthur’s face, but whatever. They go to bed mad, end scene. This talk solved absolutely nothing and did nothing to further the plot or character development. Glad it happened.

Freya once again comments on how shitty Merlin looks, telling him that even the supervisors have started to take notice. Merlin then blabs about mind palaces and junk and says, “I don’t want to be alone in my head. I want to be with someone, safe outside my thoughts.” End chapter. I honestly have no idea what he means there, but I’m guessing it’s supposed to be angsty and leave us on a cliffhanger of sorts. Not very effective in my opinion, but then again, nothing about the writing in this story is particularly good at what it’s trying to do, so this is par for the course.

Chapter 18

We start this chapter out with Merlin moping around for a bit because of the continuing Arthur situation before he decides to text his father. Remember Balinor’s weird scone promise from way back in chapter 13? No? Well, let me refresh your memory, because this was a while back: “if you ever need anything, so much as a blueberry scone, call me.” So what does Merlin text dear old daddy but: “Hi Dad. If you’re busy, don’t worry about it, but I could use a scone.” I don’t know about you, but this, to me, is an obvious cry for help. Merlin doesn’t really want pastries; he wants his dad. But Balinor, the useless sack of shit that he is, goes way over the top and writes back: “Blueberry, strawberry, mixed berry, blackberry, or plain?” That’s…that’s not what he’s asking for. Also, not important, but there are more scone flavors than just whatever berries you can list off the top of your head. There’s lemon (all kinds of varieties with lemon), poppy seed, orange, cranberry, raisin, etc., and that’s just some sweet ones I can name off the top of my head. Savory is a whole other ball game. Balinor then has to go the extra mile and texts back before Merlin can reply: “Never mind. Yes to all.” Sure. You do you, Balinor.

Merlin tries to cancel his request, but he gets sidetracked by lab/graphics/art/science/whatever bullshit it is that he’s supposed to be doing for “work” on this all-expenses-paid retreat and forgets all about the scone business. After his lab or whatever, he goes to that magical rental store to pick up spelunking gear, which includes boots (still pretty sure that’s not a thing you can rent) and a hardhat. The cashier throws in a raincoat as well because caves. As Merlin is signing the rental agreement, guess who decides to creep up behind him? That’s right, it’s Balinor!

He came to wherever this is from wherever he was to give Merlin his scones in person. “It was only a two hour flight.” Sure it was. I honestly have no idea where these people are or what they do. Everything is so vague and nonsensical and overly convenient for the plot.

They hug, and Merlin tells Balinor that he didn’t need to come, but Daddy Dearest waves this off. You know, because his son is so important, even though he abandoned him for the past 20-plus years. Water under the bridge though, am I right?

Merlin shows some concern about Balinor’s job, since he just took off out of the blue to go be extra and deliver scones to his long lost son in person, and Balinor casually replies with the following regarding his employees: “They take their New Years celebrations seriously. For some reason they work to the bone on Christmas but New Years is strictly reserved for champagne and whatever illegal luxuries they can manage. I already have thirty drafts of dismissal emails ready.” Wait, what? What sort of “illegal luxuries” are we talking about here? Like prostitutes and cocaine? I’m confused. I’m also really confused about why this is apparently such a common occurrence that Balinor has to expect it every year and will fire people accordingly. What the fuck kind of operation is he running?

But wait, the conversation gets even stranger:

“Merlin blinked, surprised by such a bold response. ‘Do you usually sack people after the holidays?’

Balinor nodded as if it was simply a fact of life. ‘Unfortunately, yes. I can’t say I haven’t grown accustomed to it. Their families are fully compensated for their misdemeanors, though.’”

Huh? You are well prepared to fire your employees for doing illegal shit while they party and talk about it like it happens every year (why else would he be so prepared for it?), yet you claim this isn’t a common occurrence? What? And what exactly does “fully compensated for their misdemeanors” mean? He’ll pay their legal fees after he fires them? I’m so confused. I’m starting to believe that Balinor throws these wild New Years parties himself and provides guests with drugs and prostitutes which, if they partake of them, will get them fired. Because I can’t think of another scenario how this would work.

Anyway, they drop Merlin’s stuff off back at the apartment (Arthur is conveniently absent) before heading to a coffee shop nearby. They order tea and Balinor somehow gets the barista to warm up the scones he brought. How rude. Bringing outside food into a restaurant is bad enough (especially when it’s food that this particular restaurant might serve a version of), but expecting them to warm it up for you as well? Super rude and not believable at all.

Balinor asks if he can go spelunking with Merlin the next day. Merlin is (rightly) a bit baffled by this offer, and Balinor explains himself: “Obviously you need to get your mind off something. I may not be the best option, but I’ll be exuberant to explore some caves with my son. They are federally protected; it is a crime punishable by death to take or carve from the crystals in the caves.” That last bit kind of came out of nowhere, didn’t it? Not sure about its relevance but holy shit. Where are they that people are killed for vandalizing a cave? Yikes.

Balinor wants Merlin to tell him what’s wrong, and Merlin gives him a very brief summary of the whole Arthur fiasco. Balinor tells him that he deserves better (I hate Merlin, but this is true), and Merlin feels better about the whole thing before then randomly falling back into doubt: “Even so, he felt as if he were walking away from a cake he hadn’t tasted, one promising every nutrient under the sun along with the promise of no sugar crash. Merlin stymied the encroaching dark thoughts by pondering if he should just eat cake instead of pining for Arthur. It would help with my weight…” Ugh. I’m not even going to bother dissecting that. You can probably guess what I would say about it anyway. Love yourself, Merlin.

Balinor asks Merlin if Arthur gave any reasons for his Big Gay Panic, and Merlin justifies Arthur’s shitty behavior with the tale of how his mother “was killed in an attack against homosexuals” and how this has affected his family life, what with Uther going crazy and the whole threat of being disowned for being gay because of misplaced aggression or whatever. It’s all very stupid and contrived, especially since the whole terrorist attack thing is still so ridiculous that I cannot read past reference to it without either chuckling or rolling my eyes (sometimes both).

Balinor is a little surprised at this because he sees Arthur’s behavior as cowardly regardless of his justifications for it (it is cowardly, good job, Balinor), and Arthur is “more than capable of taking care of himself in the workforce.” Okay, those things have nothing to do with each other, but carry on.

They talk about classes for next semester, and it turns out that Merlin won’t really be interacting with Arthur in a classroom setting, which is bittersweet because Merlin wants to be close to Arthur but it’s painful now. Blah, blah, melodrama. Balinor tells him that Gaius will be around to talk if Merlin needs him, and that he can always arrange a plane to go visit Hunith if Merlin wants that. Merlin says he’d rather avoid going back to “that place more often than necessary.” Ouch. Kind of a weird thing to say when you dropped everything to go there last-minute in that one chapter, but if that’s where the whole rape and abuse thing happened with Will (which I guess it was), this statement makes some sense. Still no reason for his lack of hesitation in going home before.

They talk more before things wind down and Balinor drops Merlin off at home. Arthur is now there (supposedly he just woke up from a nap or something because he is described as sleepy) and he asks about whom Merlin was just with at the door. Merlin is really rude about it, and slams his bedroom door in Arthur’s face. Way to go on reconciling that relationship, Merlin.

Skip to the next day. More father-son hugging/kissing when Merlin and Balinor meet up (still feels like overcompensation for Balinor’s abandonment of his son), and they go exploring the caves. No one pays Balinor much attention as the interns all assume he’s another tour guide or something. The word japing is used instead of joking, and it really doesn’t work in context. Stop inserting words like this into your writing, SCD07; it’s really jarring and doesn’t have the effect that you think it does. Merlin gets all weird about hanging out with his father because he never had this experience growing up, and I’m getting progressively more annoyed at how little Merlin seems to care that this man jumped ship and abandoned him up until now and would probably have kept being absent if they hadn’t somehow run into each other at that party. I would be super bitter about the whole thing, not giddy that daddy dearest is embarrassing me in front of my friends by being overly affectionate.

You can’t fix years of neglect with a few hugs and some scones. Come on, now.

They start exploring the caves, which for some reason have heaters in them: “stone, water, and coldness filling their lungs except for the occasional heaters wafting warmth against their legs.” Weird. I’ve never heard of caves with that particular feature. Merlin is in awe of the crystals scattered throughout the cave, which they can see thanks to the electric lights that apparently also inhabit this cave. Also weird. But wait, these crystals aren’t just beautiful; they’re kind of magic too:

“’Here’s the best part,’ Balinor said, calling his attention to a smaller bundle he leaned over. ‘Place your hand lightly over the peaks,’ he directed when Merlin joined him.

Merlin did as his father was, holding his hand aloft and just barely touching the spires of crystal as the man hummed a note deep in his chest. Merlin laughed openly when the sound reverberated through the particles and tickled his palm. ‘Go on,’ his father suggested, ‘Sing a note.’

Licking his lips, his mind centered on a sound, and he breathed it out. The note trilled up one shaft and then another, rippling along the petals of the crystal flower. By this point Merlin was beaming like a fool and laughing merrily. ‘It is hard to hear with the commotion,’ Balinor explained, ‘but they echo the sound back to you. The tour guides don’t tell you because if they did, tourists would never leave and the shards would be sold on Amazon.’”

Um, wasn’t he just telling us a few minutes ago that taking crystals out of the caves was punishable by death? Much as capitalism rules this world, I highly doubt that massive amounts of tourists are willing to risk their lives for a quick buck on some singing crystals.

Also, sound doesn’t carry through rock like that. While it is true that crystals can carry sound—both quartz and tourmaline have been used for radio purposes—the crystals need to be flawless and cannot be twinned, meaning those lovely “flower” clusters that were described in that passage wouldn’t do jack shit. Almost all natural quartz is too full of flaws to be used for any practical purpose (though it can make for some impressive specimens and jewelry). You also need some sort of electrical current to get this to work, so just placing your hand over a rock and humming a note won’t do much, unless it’s the architecture of the cave itself causing the echo, in which case the sounds of the group talking would echo just as much as the humming. Try again.

By the way, most of the crystals found in caves are neither quartz nor tourmaline, but calcium-based minerals such as calcite, aragonite, and selenite. Some of the most impressive crystal photos you’ll see from spelunking photos are either calcite or selenite. Caves are primarily formed from limestone, of which calcite and aragonite are major components. Not much silica to be found there, hence the lack of quartz.

See, mum and dad, I took some of your geology ramblings to heart. Aren’t you proud?

Back to the story at hand. It’s time to leave, but Merlin overbalances or trips or something along those lines, causing him to fall into the welcoming arms of the sharp crystals below. His glasses fall off because of course they do (get those things properly fitted and this shit wouldn’t happen so much, Merlin), and he starts to panic and cry out for his dad. Balinor comes to his rescue, even finding his glasses for him like a good dad should. He points out to Merlin that the glasses are cracked (because Merlin never bothered to try and get that shit fixed), and Merlin brushes it away with a quip about it being Arthur’s fault. Not wrong there, I guess. Balinor finds this funny and says, “Nothing violent, I hope?” Um. Since Balinor was supposedly there to take care of Merlin after the whole Will fiasco, it’s not totally out of the ballpark for me to assume he knew about the abuse, right? This is in pretty poor taste to find amusing regardless, but it’s especially gross with a history like that and with how Arthur treats Merlin in this story. Abuse is so funny, haha.

They have an emotional moment where Balinor tells Merlin about how he’s beautiful and deserves all the good things in life because how could his spawn not be anything less than great, and Merlin is self-deprecating, but he does finally point out Balinor’s whole abandoning his family thing, which has been conveniently ignored this whole time, so there’s at least a little progress on that front. The chapter ends with the two of them singing together in the cave by themselves because they’ve been abandoned by their tour group. Not sure why this would not be a big deal considering people get killed for taking these crystals, but I guess these two are special or something. I don’t even care anymore.

#merlin #bbc merlin #Merlin fanfiction #review #broken chemistry #daddy issues #rock facts #making my parents proud #this story never ends #I've created my own hell

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