#stay safe and itll be ok

[tangledinink]

I can imagine the first cycle after moving. Probably Leo because Donnie likely has internal scarring, so leo goes through the process of laying his eggs, panics, his brother can't help, and finally, *finally* they ask for help. It's not willingly. It's not for fun. It's purely necessity. It's purely because there's *literally noone else* and the idea of telling anyone at all is so scary that the way they do so is in a note. Splinter sits them down and basically walks them through "You're safe, you're fine. We can handle this however you feel most comfortable, including getting you both on blockers if you prefer" and they just.... sigh. For the first time, there's *someone else* in their circle, and it's willing and it's warm, and it's *safe*. There will be tears.

Yes, except I'm not convinced that either of them could stand to tell anyone. Even if it was literally life or death (which it has been before,) I'm not sure if either of them could bear to give up that information. Donnie is finally, finally away from the people who hurt him when he got found out last time, and even though logically, he knows that it's different here, he's absolutely petrified of the thought that the same thing will happen again and it won't be over anymore. He's still horrified by the idea of anyone else knowing about Leo when he's gone to such lengths for so long to protect him, and Leo is likewise terrified in the same way. They've spent years with this being their more closely guarded secret, and that's going to be really difficult to give up.

But it's really not a secret they'll be able to keep for long.

They're in a completely different environment, with far less space and privacy. They're both stressed as hell and Donnie WAS on birth control and taking all sorts of vitamins and supplements to make sure he didn't eggbind again and now he's suddenly not and it's not only messing with his body, it's fucking scary. It literally keeps them both up at night. Neither of them know how to wash blood out of clothes or sheets. There's no private en suite bathroom they can sequester themselves away in. They're both literally making themselves sick with anxiety trying to deal with this, and they're used to handling this on their own, this is routine for them, but they're not used to all of this.

They'd probably metaphorically limp through a few cycles before their family puts it together and gently confronts them.

Venus probably figures it out first. She's pretty smart, and incredibly observant, and after all-- she quite literally experiences the exact same thing. April may not lay eggs, but I think she'd be able to get the idea after a bit as well. And while I think Splinter would realize something was wrong pretty quickly, Draxum would probably realize what was wrong first. Splinter has April, so he has a little bit of experience in this realm, but Draxum has Venus and so he has far more experience.

And so when they do sit them down and talk with them, it's going to be really scary at first. And then they get to, "you're safe, you're fine, we can handle this however you feel the most comfortable. It will be okay. No one will hurt you."

And then there's finally other people in the know, in the circle, people who will actually help them. And yes-- there will definitely be tears.

#leo in particular will probably panic at least a little when theyre confronted #because its been what? almost four years? #almost FOUR YEARS of him keeping this a secret at any cost #almost four years with no one else in the universe aside from his twin knowing #and now the spell is broken #but its okay #and they might panic and cry for a little but then they calm down and its... actually ok. things will actually be okay #april will take to big-sistering them so hard #and lowkey just? having venus exist in the household will be incredibly helpful #(she was honestly so baffled that everyone else didnt realize what was going on right away. it wasnt obvious????) #mikey tries to spoil them the same way he tries to spoil venus whenever she feels nasty #(but has to adjust a bit to respect boundaries because. donnie will bite him...) #likewise raph tries to take care of them the same way he'd take care of casey #(ie by leaving offerings at their doors and staying the fuck out of their way. just overall letting them do or have whatever they want) #their family will take care of them and keep them safe and things will get better #its honestly a huge relief when they get caught in some ways because leo can finally be like #and donnie got really sick one time and almost died and im scared itll happen again PLZ can we make sure it doesnt happen again #donnie in the background like >:0000 that leo just fucking OUTTED HIM LIKE THAT #but to leo 1000% worth it if it means donnie wont get sick and die #(as if donnie is actually realistically at any more significant risk of that than leo is) #(quite frankly theyre BOTH at risk of it at the time because of how stressed they are. lowkey a miracle neither of them eggbound yet smh) #also donnie def has internal scarring lmao;;;; poor bab. makes it a bit rough... #menstruation #tw menstruation #cw menstruation #gemini au #asks #anon #csa implied #cw csa implied

[ironmanstan]

the dichotomy of man (need to get out of this fuckin house but if i go then i can not see my cats)

#JUST realized this and now i want to kill and explode and throw up #WHAT THE HELL WILL I DO . WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO ABOUT MY FISH ok i can probably take the fish with me #but MAN #thats such a FUCKING HASSLE #ill just stay here this is fine <- tormented by the horrors. ball and chained to familiarity #the gamer speaks uwu #guy who is terminally stressed and sick about change but desperately needs it to live a life #oooo i need to be in a hamster ball everything new can just be out of arms reach and i will be safe and contained forever #no more new experiences and life changes ill cry we should all just die actually so i never have to break out of my shell #sometimes im like im therapized i dont need to go to therapy i am sooo normal and then i say shit like all that n im like nvm #the desperately averse to change braincell is funny like is it the autism. is it the ptsd. probably both #bc i sure did like have a moment of like i should just drop out of school all of this is too much i cant do it anymore #wired in juuust the right way where i can live so much better than i ever have but itll stress me out enough where i still feel the urge #to throw it all away bc it is strange and weird. and then i have to resist that urge constantly bc ill be fully like cidal again if i do th #its so weird actually. oh u have friends? u take meds? u have irls now? strange and unfamiliar and scary get rid of it all <- the insanity #anyway sucks how there isnt a word i can use in place of men/women when im like 'women will x' but for being nonbinary #nonbinary mfs doesnt hit the same . enbies doesnt hit the same either #nonbinaries b like i am free from the horrors and then go down a whole spiral at the very thought of moving out of their nightmare house #vent #i guess oops what did this turn into

[orphudice]

think i might go on hiatus for a little bit :)

#or a while. idk #the way i convey my love for my interests is kind of just.gravitating i guess?? i dont spend that much time on social media in the first #place so opening tumblr is like a chore #also im like highkey terrified someone bad irl might find this acc like so many times before.and tbh i dont think its worth the risk #i dont rlly use any other socials besides youtube which im not rlly comfortable giving out if thats ok. ill come back i promise i just need #a break #im not that active anyways so idk if itll make a difference?? #i have a few posts in my q but thats it. ill definitely come on here again just not for a while #i love you guys :) stay safe!!! live laugh love ai.ri mom.oi 🫶

[ratvich]

#vent #dont rb #hrmghrhghrgh. hm. me and a friend might start dating but i keep getting anxious or nervous or whatever that it wont work out and itll ruin #our friendship or something like that. idk why im nervous considering ive never worried about that with ppl i date and have always ended #up staying friends with them after we broke up #idk i really care about him but what if im a bad person or i mess this all up. i dont want to hurt him. #hes very very nice and i feel like ill end up hurting him or something idk ughhhhhh #i love him :( but what if i dont in the future i mean like. liz almost basically hated him. what if something happens and i end up hating #him too? i dont want to hate him :(((( #i wish we had a more normal relationship with him it feels all fucked up from the pandemic and delusions and etc #like. yeah i thought you were dead for months at a time yea i also thought i was the one who killed you yes i also thought you were gonna #kill me yes i also thought we were both dead yes i thought u hated me yes i was jealous of your girlfriend because she was alive and i was #not. #but ive also had a crush one you like three times and ive desperately talked with you or at least tried and #wanted you to be safe and happy so fucking bad i wanted you to be ok i wanted you to be alive but you werent. you fucking werent. #idk. idk. #also theres the whole issue of how ive been approaching relationships so far because we talked about it and i agreed that id be fine with #and in fact like it if it were a more long-term relationship #but so far my policy with romantic relationships has been 'dont expect them to last long cause ur still just in high school and ur busy' #but i dont this one to end i do want it to last long i dont want to try and be realistic #IDK !!!!!!!!!!!! #we'll see what happens i guess.

[apollotronica]

APOLLO CAN U TELL ME ABOUR ON E OF UR OCS.. i was thinkin about how hearing u talk ab them kinda inspired me to actually pick my projects back up and also i think they r sick as helll :3 pretty pleaase ? ./NF!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

OKAY SORRY THIS TOOK ME SO LONG TO REPLY I WAS STUCK IN THE LABRYNTH (i couldnt decide which oc to talk about) BUT i relauzed i havent really talkrd about hiiro at all on here :3 EVERYTHING UNDER CUT and ill format it like i formatted the buwan post :3

this hiiro (left image most recent) ignore thr typology on the right its outdated

fun facts :3

likes: warm cloudy weather, bright lights, computers and technology, large cities, classic literature, anatomy and neurology, strong flavors, squid ink pasta

dislikes: most people, sunny days, manual labor, following orders, bland food, going outside, trains and train stations, getting wet

nationality: japanese

relatives: (adoptive) mother and father, elder sister (pacchi, 2 years older), younger sister (heru, 3 years younger)

early life (sort of???) (cw child injury/neglect, bullying, ableism?)

disclaimer i havent Fully fleshed out its backstory so this will just be a large summary of . stuff that Occured

hiiro and his sisters were put up for adoption almost immediately after heru was born (hiiro being 3, pacchi being 5) and they took turns taking care of her bcuz their parents were too "busy" to hire babysitters. hiiro and pacchi got into a fight while heru (like toddler age atp) tried to break them up. because hiiro has always been quick to anger and sort of physical, when heru tried to intervene his first instinct was to push her as hard as he could while yelling at her to stay out of it, it doesnt involve her . errmm aftermath of that argument was . heru got permenant brain damage and hiiro and pacchis relationship Completely broke apart :[ aww womp womp . Ok fast forward . heru is homeschooled by a tutor and hiiro and pacchi are both in junior high. pacchi is popular and friendly and pretty, but her grades are lacking . hiiro has always been incredibly smart (even though pacchi is 2 years older, he skipped a school year or two and is in her same year), but his social life is miserable . because of his temper and Overall Unfriendliness he was put in separate classes away from his peers where he was the only student under a teacher who didnt care about hiiro or Pretty much anything . it wasnt seen often but when he Was seen he was beat up n bullied relentlessly n followed home , so a lot of the time he spent nights hidden in the school or in damp alleys because he didnt want to lead anyone dangerous back to pacchi and heru . when he Was home pacchi ignored him and heru would try to make conversation but hiiro was Pretty much entirely nonverbal during their school years . at home hiiro drew and wrote and played like anyone else his age but bcuz hiiro looked different and sounded different and acted different it ended up outcast and alienated :[ womp womp

career ??

aaaanyway yada yada hiiro graduates early n basically disappears into researching neurology n brains n Specifically how theyre "programmed" , they end up lowkey kidnapping a couple people to experiment on them w a janky "neuroprogramming" device that, once hes sure is Safe To Use , hiiro uses on itself :3 the way proples brains show up on the device isnt like an mri or anything , the way it shoes up actually Depends on the person so sometimes itll be a short rpg or lines of code or Minesweeper and because hiiro Made the device they can decipher what each brain thing means and collects data based off that . but because what he does is Very illegal the government eventually tracks him down and forces it to work w them or theyll Krill him .

fun facts part Two :3

hiiro has only had alcohol Once and despite being of legal age they were kicked out for looking too young . he cant hold his liquor

he frequents a gaming cafe and knows all the staff by name but is too embarrassed to be seen in front of other people , so it rents out the whole cafe when it wants to go

hiiro has 3 cats and they are all Huge

after he Reappeared hiiro actually reconnected w his sisters and visits them as often as possible . Its not very affectionate at all though

i actually made his voice claim miyashita yuu . the songs where hes louder and yelling r more what i was thinking at the time , but i think miyayuu's soft speaking voice works as well

all the sleeves on their sweaters are slightly tethered and frayed because he fidgets with them while working . the right sleeve is more torn than the left

he doodles in his free time and has posted a couple oneshots on obscure manga forums . they dont keep up with them but one of them ended up getting really popular

hiiro Loves scifi . his entire apartment is decorated in super lame and obscure scifi anime posters and figures

THANKIES !!!

#☆ apollo answers #artpollo #dude this is so . messy #again i Havent fleshed out jis story much i just have main points But i hope i explained well ... hes so awrsome #apollos ocs #hiiro okashi #theyre albino btw smilr #i ws thinking ab adding mor e to his story cuz rn its kinda BOOOORRRIIIIINNNGGGG but i have no other ideas ... #hiiro was aldo a dnagan oc . ult neuroprogrammet #r #whatever #i coudve talked about like ccheck or cross but thatll come later methinkd #Anyway . enjoy hi. #m #im so tired i need a nap #hi lyria

[quarktrinity]

quark watches star trek season 1 episode 10

uhuras wearing yellow again. why

THE CUBE

THE CUUUUUUUUUBE

were sexualizing kirk again. good

mccoy wants to dom him so bad

the cube just wants to be friends!!!

"i have a human thing called an adrenal gland" "it does sound most inconvenient, however, have you considered having it removed?" spock i love you

"no answer from the cube" "origin and purpose of the cube still unknown" i love this show

the cube is apparently radioactive

yes lets get closer to the cube

hey why are they just fine with the radiation

oh shit they blew it up

"the cube has been destroyed" :(

spock: "has it occurred to you that theres a certain... inefficiency in constantly questioning me on things youve already made up your mind about?" kirk: "it gives me emotional security :)" god just make out already

mccoy and kirk are married

mccoy put kirk on a diet because hes put on a few pounds. mccoy noooooooo youre killing me. let him keep his tummy

theyre approaching a... giant popcorn kernel...?

blowing up the cube was apparently a huge act of hostility against these aliens on the popcorn kernel

these aliens HATE them

they were literally like "pray to your earth god, were gonna blow you up in ten minutes :3"

this navigator is losing his mind

kirk fired him :0

mccoy lectures kirk on parenting (being captain)

kirk tries to bluff the aliens by saying if they blow the enterprise up itll hit back at them with their "corbumite". kind of obsessed with this actually

spock has daddy issues probably

were letting the navigator back i guess

"prove to us that you have corbumite" "no <3" (paraphrased) kirk i love you

were all pretty chill about this huh

oh this is about the cold war isnt it

"weve decided to take you to your destination instead of destroying you but well destroy you later we swear" ok

this episode was probably cheap as shit to film, no planet sets, only one non-spock alien, theyre staying on the helm for 90% of it, barely any extras, like damn. did they get this episode on sale?

the cast was very clearly told to Shake and its a little goofy looking lol

yeah ok lets save the aliens life why not

kirk wants to keep spock safe. dude

LMFAOOOOO THIS ALIEN LOOKS SO DUUUUUMB

oh wait its literally a puppet

the real alien looks like a bald child with the voice of a grown man. actors really good at lip syncing. cool?

the alien is just lonely?

so. theyre just leaving the navigator guy here to be the aliens friend?

...is that it?

thats it. ok

#quark watches star trek #star trek

[mothpile]

fire was (thankfully) contained mostly in the basement where the water heater just decided to fucking catch fire. probably was because its old. itll be a few days before we can go back inside though because again everything is just covered in black. i do hope it is minimal and really just light soot or something and that nothing is heavily damaged upstairs. nothing really important was in the basement outside of. uh. ... machinery (washing machines, water, etc...) ... but i think we have insurance so we will be okay. everything will be fine. just fucking scary as all hell to wake up to that. everyone in the world stay safe and we love you, ok.

[itsdannysworld]

Sunkissed (Chapter 1)

unapolegetically writing this while i chill in the library looking like a hippie stripper, the long awaited Sunkissed 😌

Pairing: Danny Wagner x Reader, Jake Kiszka x Reader CW: smoking, mary j usage, cursing, idrk kissing? Summary: Don’t fuck a rockstar, and definitely don’t fall for his best friend (more angst than anything but itll get fluffier as the story goes on i promise)

enjoy-

You zipped up your boots and threw on the jacket you had discarded in the messy process of trying to have sex with the prettiest man you had ever seen. Usually you weren’t one to leave in the middle of the night after a one-night stand, but in this case you thought it would be for the best, considering you would rather die than have his brothers find out.  “You’re seriously leaving y/n?” Despite it being mumbled, you could hear the annoyance laced through his voice. “Jake you and I both know it’s for the best. What if they find out?” You started fishing around in your purse hoping to find your phone so you could call for an Uber.  “So what if they find out? They’ve probably heard us before.” This has been a sore spot between you and Jake for awhile. You had been sleeping together on and off for the last few months and you couldn’t stand the thought of other people knowing. You weren’t one to share your sex life with others, especially people you had only known for less than a year. “I don’t want anyone knowing about us being fuckbuddies. If we were dating it’d be different but for now I’d appreciate if you just left the topic alone.” “Whatever, get home safe y/n.” You rolled your eyes as you opened the door and crept down the hallway of the house they all shared. Technically they all lived separately, but when it comes to working on an album they tended to all crash at whoevers house they were at. You heard a door open and stopped in your tracks.

Shit

You looked around in the dimly lit hall, praying you could find somewhere to hide. As footsteps got closer you decided to accept your fate, praying it was either Danny or Josh, knowing you could bribe one of those two to keep quiet. “Y/n?” It was Danny. “Oh hey Danny, fancy seeing you here.” You were praying he couldn’t pick up on your awkwardness. “I didn’t know you stayed over? I did go to bed early though so I guess I just assumed you left.” He didn’t seem suspicious of anything so maybe you were going to get away with this. “Yeah, decided I wasn’t sober enough to drive home. I’m good now though, I was just on my way out.” “You better not be sneaking around with anyone” He said jokingly, and you mustered a laugh praying that it didn’t sound fake. “I wouldn’t dare.” “Want me to drive you home?”

He grabbed his keys and you both stepped out of the house into the cold night. He was insistent on driving you home and who were you to stop him? He unlocked your car and opened the door for you. He was always such a gentleman to you and you found it to be sweet. You set up your phone so your favorite playlist would play, and he backed out of the driveway. He was beautiful. You’ve noticed it before of course, but tonight he just had this glow about him. His curls fell in the right places and the way the street lights illuminated his face was almost godly.

The drive was short and quiet, both of y’all soaking up the music. It was 4am and deep down you knew that he knew why you were really at the house. He pulled into the parking lot of your apartment complex and turned the car off. “Hey y/n?” “Yeah what’s up?”  “Be careful, with Jake. I don’t want either of you getting hurt.” He said it calmly and quietly, which in a way made you even more nervous. “Do the other guys know?”  “I doubt it, I mean, I didn’t put it together till just now. I’m not mad, by the way. I know you overthink and I want to assure you that everything is ok.” For once in your life you didn’t totally know what to say. You had always wrestled with feelings on and off with the two of them and Jake was the first one who ever took interest. Part of you hated that Danny knew, but also knew out of everyone he’s the one who wouldn’t say anything. “Please keep this between us. Thanks for the ride home Danny, let me know when you get home safe.” “Will do, love you.” Y’all had always said I love you but this time was different and you couldn’t figure out why. “Love you too Dan.” You smiled.

You threw yourself on the couch and picked up your phone noticing two text messages.

Jakey: Wear something cute tomorrow, I’m taking you to breakfast @ 10

Danny-Boy: made it home, can we talk tmrw? 

You liked both messages and set an alarm for 9, but you knew you weren’t going to be able to sleep. Why would Danny want to talk to you? Did he secretly hate you? Did he think it was gross that you and his bandmate hooked up? Why did he say “Love you” weird? Your head swarmed with thoughts even though you knew none of this was a huge deal. You were the queen of overthinking

Tomorrows gonna be a long ass day

-ok so ngl I kinda hate this but I’m too lazy to edit anything or change it. i promise not all of the chapters are gonna be awfully short, but this is just a starter? im not a big slowburn person soooooo also sorry this took a month, life started kicking my ass haha-

#gvf #jake kiszka #jake gvf #sam kiszka #samgvf #josh kiszka #jake kiskza x reader #danny gvf #danny wagner #danny wagner x reader #fanfic

[saturntrail]

hey if anyone needs something to stay alive for please wait it out for high tech (and safe) body mods. please. dude itll be so cool you can have kitty ears and a tail. like, part of you, forever. yeah im serious im gonna get a lil arrow tail and swish it around and use it to point. 30 years, 40 years, who knows lol just dont leave yet ok? stay alive for high tech body mods youll have so much fun

[mossymultiverse]

upd4te

me: yeah im gonna revamp the theme maybe thatll make me want to go back to pokemon ::]

me now: me now: ah.

ok, so, dont worry, im not gonna abandon this blog. i am, however, going to change it. as much as i love this community and have had a great time here, i do not control the hyperfixation, and i think instead of fighting it, im going to come up with a new solution for it.

technically, ive HAD a solution for it for a very long time- that solution being the very character i rp as on this blog now. moss is not confined to any one world, nor even to the same flow of time. that allows my brain to jump around and do whatever the got darn heck it wants to, because i can throw my little guy / self insert / persona / myself into as many worlds and situations as i want, and nobody can tell me im wrong. well, they can, but they can also suck my

anyways.

if you were following me for pokemon irl stuff, feel free to unfollow, i wont be upset. i will still do some pokemon stuff from time to time (as well as a lil in-character transition/explanation of the blog change), but tbh i doubt its gonna be for a while. i AM going to do a bunch of silly interdimensional meta multiverse bullshit, because the undertale fandom (among others, but that was my first and tbh strongest fandom, so) changed me, and i am trying to learn to embrace what makes me happy again, even if it is Cringe(tm).

i dont really have a proper story planned out per se, so its not gonna be super coherent all the time.. altho tbh i never really did, so ig thats not gonna change much :skykid_giggle: itll mostly just follow moss thru whatever they happen to be goin thru! which will usually be whatever i happen to b thinkin of, so.. ye! gonna b a bit.... odd.

so uh.. yeah. expect a theme change, prolly just back to the default tungle theme cuz im lazy rn, and expect a few posts where moss explains whats happening. or dont, and if you're unfollowing, i hope you enjoyed the ride! stay safe have fun ilu ::3

oh, one more thing. since i will no longer be confining this blog to one world (and tbh it had long since left the old chateau) i will also be changing the blog's NAME. that will be an in-character post, so dont worry too much, and im also gonna add that to my pinned, which.... also needs updating, actually. guess we're gonna be under construction for a while, huh. ....anyway.

if you do decide to stick around.... enjoy!

#[ ooc divider ] #[ ooc post ] #more to come later but i needed to post this now or i was gonna get sad and start doubting myself and wouldnt do it so #brain dump has been delivered

[dadmininnit]

You whisper to Ph1lza: ok sorry idiseappeared for a little You whisper to Ph1lza: some shit happened. not in a verygood mental state rn. Ph1lza whispers to you: oh thank fuck i don't have to tell a kid what being an orphan is You whisper to Ph1lza: bitch. like id ever die. anyways ill come visit soon but. might need cerys to stay there are a while? that ok? Ph1lza whispers to you: completely fine. i'll talk to her about it. Ph1lza whispers to you: just be safe alright you fucking gremlin? You whisper to Ph1lza: if itll stop you having a heart attack from stress old man

#admin.whispers

[spindash]

embarrassing but i jusst need to talk ok.......... under the cut because iknow itll be long um im talking abot cancer and animal death and dog like. i dont knw. attacks. & other kindof awful things so no pressure to even look or read anything. loveyou forevr

My uncle isnt going to make it the next two years even with the two surgeries and chemo the brain tumor is too much and he just got the news the beginning of this month that hes not going to make it. we all kindof knew that woukd be the case even w his last surgery but nobody knew it would be so soon. hes literally like my best friend he has been ever since i was little and he means the world to me. he got diagnosed august of last year and its been like a fucking nightmare ever since. And on top of that i lost agnes like less than a fucking week aftwr i got the news about my uncle its literally been crushing and its hard for me to want to do anything at all and nobody even wants to TALK about it im just supposed to deal alone and my dad will not stop pressuring me to finish getting my degree and get a job and i know i should and i want to but its impossible to do anytbing at all im so exhausted like physically i can barely stay awake and i just feel so isolated. And then we've been taking care of my uncles dog for the last year obviously since he cant and shes never liked me too much but she tolerates me because Im a sucker and i love giving her little treats like peanut butter and any nibbles of what im eating aslong as its safe bht i dont know whats happened in the last few weeks she has completely flipped the switch and i genuinely cannot leave my room anymore without her baring her teeth at me and growling and lunging for me. shes gotten me really bad a couple times thats what that bruise was from and i have some nasty gashes and scars on my feet and legs like ive never bled that much it soaked thru my sock and all over the floor she completely scares the shit out of me i cant even be near her without bawling my eyes out anymore. my parents are like yeah yeah well we'll talk to your uncle soon about getting her some training but not now and dont mention it because youll upset him. Like i think hes going to be more upset that his dog is trying to fucking kill me or something than you asking if he would pay for her to go. somebwere i dont know anywhere. i dont want anything to happen to her like putting her down shes not a bad dog atall she just had such a hard time with different owners as a puppy. it makes me feel awful to say but i wish to fucking god she was anywhere but here not just cuz she scares me but Im scared for the cats too. shes surprisingly aloof towards them but i dont know. i thought she was fine with me too and now. Sprry this is all crazy personal and like batshit to post online if you read all of this um. sorry do you still like me etc i dont have any joke to wrap it up with literally every good thing in my life is crumbling around me and i cant do anything about it nor do i have to tools to deal with it emotionally and i want to blow my head off 👍

#op #tldr nightmares forever 👍 #theres alot more but whwtever. most of wats on my mind #Dont worry about though ok. i just needed to get it off my chest as like humiliating as it is to be sad online. i shant do anything

[ankhisms]

good morning everyone i love u all and im wishing you all the best today i hope youre all safe and feeling ok so far today... my stomach is feeling better enough to the point where i feel like itll be ok if i have a cup of coffee which ive been staying away from this week since i started feeling sick and im really relishing the taste of it and thinking about small joys in life that i appreciate and that keep me going. i hope that youll all be able to find some moments of peace in your days where you are able to find some beauty in the world around you to remind you that theres good in the world

[sistervirtue]

this whole situation earnestly sucks so fucking bad. i’m really sorry about all of this dogma, please stop posting about it if it’s upsetting you. neither you or kiv is required to answer to people on this nor are you obligated to give sensitive details in any capacity related to your personal lives regardless of who is asking. you have been put in a very uncomfortable situation and i think you have responded very appropriately and anyone giving you shit about it can go fuck themself. if you would like to stop this discussion you are well within your right to assert as much my friend : [ please stay safe

people who argue this vehemently on anon don't tend to come back when it gets switched off, so i think itll be ok. if they do, i probably won't respond anyway because if theyre legitimately 14 im not putting their url out there for everyone especially after they dumped such sensitive info, that's just irresponsible.

[watery-pancake]

i dont know how to describe it to anyone

i dont even know if theres words for it, but my endless mind refuses to sit in silence, so i write, as i always do

i hate it when i talk to him and he ignores me. he's self aware of it too, but yet still. he blames me for misreading tones, but hearing "not bad" is different from saying "good". its like saying "oh youre not ugly" instead of calling them beautiful, or saying "oh youre not fat" instead of saying you enjoy their figure. its instantly categroizing it as bad, then saying its not. like the standard is bad, but oh its not. but its not great, its not wonderful. its mediocre at best, since it isnt good.

ive been talking less, not bringing up things that he does that bother me. i told him why. its like he thinks that me saying that means "oh she just doesnt want to talk to me" instead of thinking of ways to solve it. its blaming me when i point out his problem. him being clingy has suddenly abruptly stopped because i made the mistake of explaining why, and like an idiot, i think that he'll keep being as loving as always regardless.

all he hears is an insult from me. a way of putting him down. he doesnt think his action effects me. he just sees the effect and blames the one who is experiencing it. its like yelling at the house for burning instead of finding the one who started the fire. so now i have to deal with him randomly talking to me then ghosting me for hours, instead of the sweet boy i miss. i feel like throwing up i miss him so much. but i dont want to talk to him, because then i'll just be ignored again. you can't be ignored if you say nothing, there's nothing to ignore.

how can you be mad at someone, be extremely hurt by their actions to the point your whole demeanor changes, but still crave their attention and love. how can i go from calling him every night, texting him first every moment he texts me when he feels like it, to this. being with him, all ive become is just. quiet. and ive never been quiet in a relationship. i regret what i told him. i regret spilling that secret of mine and saying i feel safe with him. because as true as it is, now i have this overwhelming feeling.

its like im underwater and i cant breathe. its like bu telling him this secret of mine, i can never escape, and i just want to run. i want to erase that memory. forever. i feel so disgusted in myself and in him too that he knows this about me. he knows this truth ive never told anyone before, nor have even recollected to myself in journals or voice notes or anything. and the first time i do, is to him. and now i just want to shut up and stay silent forever and never speak to him again, or anyone. ive ripped open the wound and all i can feel is the painful sting of air and the gut feeling of just. disgust.

i shower but i am never clean enough. i change my bedsheets like the sins will be washed away. i talk less and pretend to smile more but it just hurts. it hurts so much. i hate existing in this reality, this one i was born in.

ive been depressed lately. having these... awful thoughts. no amount of love or comfort can ever make them go away. i want to drink, so so bad, but i promised. i would stop. all i want is to lay in the stars and forget it all ever happened. that i let myself be exposed. and all he could say? a joke about breaking up with me. he's terrible in moments like these, a tragic irony to someone who's studying to be a psychologist. the one he deems closest to him is one he cant comfort. and thats me. its me who can never feel enough comfort. i can be sobbing and have my head rubbed and whispered itll be ok but i cant stop thinking. what if i tried again. what if i drank until i threw up and kept drinking. what if that bridge was just enough to climb over. what if i just starved and didn't eat. its constant and throbbing and no matter how hard i try. it only goes away with him. and i hate that. the greatest comfort to me is someone who doesn't care about the birds i see. because its unimportant to him, it's not worthy of acknowledgement. but its important to me. and he knows this. but he still stays silent, knowing it hurts me. because i am the one being hurt, not that he is the one causing me to be hurt. cause and effect, with only seeing the effect.

i could never do it. completely give up. i'm too much of a pussy to ever go through with it. thats a lie, haha. that drinking binge really was my attempt. but all he could ever say was "well that wouldnt work" thanks. somehow you made me feel more pathetic than i already feel. you see my suicidal actions and all you can do is point out my flaws. its like offering me support, seeing how in my altered state of mind i was trying to end it all and offering your love and sympathy, is too outside your reach. you see it and all you can do is point and laugh. while i cry alone in my room, regretting telling you instead of trying again. seeing how making me quit drinking was that, the catalyst. and your pride in me quitting vanished, and all that was left was disgust in the imagination in your head of me laying in my own vomit as i begged god to make it all go away. you didn't offer an ounce of sympathy. just disgust.

and you never bring things up. its always me. thats why we stopped arguing. because i gave up. i gave up on explaining your hurtful actions to me. last time i did, you made a long paragraph how it was my fault you cheated on me. remember that? i do. all you could do was give me a shitty fucking apology you made up on the spot. but for you? when i did something hurtful that was a result of your poor communication? when you know my emotional apology can only be seen in monotone? i have to be sobbing for you to take that apology. then you can grant me acceptance for the apology. but for you, i get a shitty applogy that you made up on the spot.

after all this, i still lay in bed. wishing i was next to you. i cant wait to go to sleep.

don't worry, i wont die. ill keep living. i have my summer internship after all.

[lovphobic]

ok i have put enough in the queue to get to the 11th (which is where nothing will post)... i dont think ill need that much time but i want to b safe :) itll stay at 3 per day for neow

#one day i will be able to stop drafting things. idek why i still do. it just depends on my vibes at that moment if it goes straight to the #dash or locked away into the drafts whdkfhkdjfkf i guess its become a habit over the time of nearly 2 months huh