#sorry. im tired enough that my filter is gone and im just rambling all my thoughts into one post | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anyu-blue · 3 years

Text

I know a big part of it is the sleep deprivation.. again.. but I'm hella depressed.

Like overall I'm.. content? I guess? I have job. = Good. I have place to live. = Good. I have my game(s) I can play anytime I have time/want. = Good. I have appointments to try and get feeling better and keep trying and keep trying when I don't. = Good. I have Kizzy and will probably have him for at least 3 more years, if not longer. = Good. I have contingency plans in place for paying for my surgeries. = Good.

I've got a lot of good right now. And it's not that I'm ungrateful. I am EXTREMELY grateful. Considering my issues I've done extremely well. Even if some of it was on accident.

It's just.. well.. I'm tired, of course. Not sleeping well or much for days on end sucks. Especially because I could have, but people are going to keep living their lives and accidentally waking/keeping me up because they just don't think about my situation 24/7. Or even know it. Or consider it. Because life's too short for that according to, like everyone but me.

I'm sick of course. I've definitely tried the 'I'm doing great/not sick!!' mindset.. and it doesn't work.. cuz stuff HURTS. I don't have the energy to keep pretending either... And I don't think there was really a time I wasn't sick. Not in my whole life.. and It feels impossible to have any hope I'll ever not be physically sick... No matter what or how hard I try. Especially because I'm aging as all people do. Especially being forced to constantly check what I eat because if I don't I can hurt myself/make myself even more sick. Or starve, which hurts me too but is better than the alternatives. Especially being I have to rely on a healthcare system that looks down on what I can afford. Especially because what I can afford is so little. Especially because of our healthcare system being so politically charged people like me with the needs I have (even just replacing bones!!! Hello?! Our STUPID society forgets teeth are BONES and NECESSARY ones at that- but the instant you say teeth people literally don't give two shits, think you're just vain, and 100% brush you off. Even doctors.. and I have cried so hard over this stupid stuff and tried to rally and I'm STILL trying to save my own god damn life. I hate saying that's what I'm doing because I have some of that stupidity in me of thinking vanity... But I'm literally trying to save my forsaken life and be a LOT less miserable, and I feel so hopeless because only the little people who get it actually seem to want to help/be able to push aside that vanity thought and it hurts so badly to ask them to squeeze for me-- thank you if you're reading this and you've reblogged/shared my post. And I cannot thank you enough, and feel I owe you so much if you've donated... Every tiny bit helps. You and I are little people in the sense we don't exactly have $10,000+ to just throw around an have no worries about lol)

I'm.. also lonely? I guess? .. it's probably the best way to describe it. I don't like people all over me. Or really messaging constantly because moods change and People have lives.. but I miss... I want... Stress free interactions. Getting to spend time and go and do things. Not being alone all the time or missing out on everything. Time is meaningless pretty much right now in the sense I've missed all the holidays. 100%. No time spent celebrating or using the time or even seeing people. Im so much a damn adult and yet I still feel like crying whenever my siblings/cousins talk about last halloween because they had so much fun... They spent the day together in matching costumes by themselves at a park. And that's it... I was delirious from sleep deprivation when I saw them for the 5 minutes I did.. and stress because of my ex being the bastard he is to me. And work. So I couldn't join them. And it doesn't bother them in the least. It's such a happy memory for them and I am struggling to let go of the envy. They have so many days they spend together too.. remotely mostly, but they have so much fun. They wake me up alot with their calls.. and get pissed when I'm like hey guys I'm sorry but could you tone it down? I honestly stopped asking lately because they get so pissed and have even been like 'It wasn't me at all!!' even when I can quote what they said back to them and try to find anything and anyone else to blame... My little sister especially is CONSISTENTLY Telling me she has no idea what she even just said so I know it's bullshit it's not her.... And it just hurts. I try so hard. I drug myself to fall asleep almost every single workday now and I hate it. It's not good for you I feel. Says non habit forming but I just. Uck. And I have familiar, soft sound on. And I've shut my cat out. And I've consistently changed my bedding and cleaned and worn masks/covered my eyes, and done everything I can think of to try and make sure I'm going to sleep as long as possible. I don't go to bed and wake up early in the evenings to cook or spend time with them anymore because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I don't stay up to see my sisters during the day anymore. Because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I turn everything off (besides what I hope will help with the noise) at noon and try to lay down as soon after noon as I can every day. Anything blue gets covered or turned off. Everything has red light filters too to get rid of the blue.. but I can't seem to get more than a few jagged hours any given day unless it happens to be their early days where they take naps or I end up so exhausted I'm passed out at night when I should be awake so my shifts aren't so hard... So all that adds up to my being alone and lonely as my own damn fault. Because obviously I stopped making the efforts... The thing that hurts most about that is I was the only one making ANY effort at all to include myself in people's lives (still rings true for everyone in my own city at least- family, friends, the works).. and when I HAD to stop and told them why and asked if they'd be willing to meet me sometimes when it was hard for them (even like once a month fully planned out if need be, or spontaneous because I'm NOT picky)... I got yesses. I did. But. Do you think it ever once happened besides the very day we talked about it?

No.

I can and have gone through every single message and note I have (my memory isn't what it was after I got as sick as I did last fall so I try to keep track of everything instead of relying on my memory anymore)... The only person who even slightly tried was only doing so because he wanted every gd opportunity to beg me to sleep with him (pretty much- he wasn't subtle).. and I had to cut him out because he's not a good person in his own right, sadly. Which left me entirely alone in many ways. Which leaves me entirely alone unless I reach out first and sacrifice sleep.

The continuance of this unfortunately has contributed to my depression.. and the fact no one wants to be around cuz I'm a bummer. And the sleep issues have caused irritability I try so hard to control, but at certain stages I just lose my filters and don't want to say stuff or ramble but I also don't want to miss the opportunity with the person (usually one of my sisters) so stuff gets awkward and they don't like being around THAT. And I don't blame them. But I'd do?

Ugh... I know night shift is my fault... And is a major part of the problem... But I work it to avoid People who don't care about me and mine. To keep myself safe. To keep myself from having panic attacks. I'm doing a lot better with them... But I was breaking down so often at or about work it was getting out of hand... With night shift I'm not overwhelmed like that and I don't have to worry do much about my poor mind losing its sharpness as much. I can take my time more or less. And I get paid enough to survive. ....

I'm just depressed and I know it's on me but I wish I had more help than I do..

Wishing is also the problem. Instead of being happy with what I have.

Blargh...

#personal #random #ignore me #life in general #trigger warnings apply #rambling

5 notes · View notes

estellestarlightevergarden · 5 years

Text

Zach Dempsey 1

Title: Not Just One-sided Anymore

Pairing: Zach Dempsey x Loving!Fem!Reader

Genre: Fluff, Lime, and Tons of Angst!

Fandom: 13 Reasons Why

Masterlist

Notes: This is just a small bit of writing about the series 13 Reasons Why so please do take serious Precautions before actually watching the show!

I do Advise my Precious Readers that If you are sensitive to materials such as; Substance abuse, Traumatic Sexual Themes, Violence, Suicide, etc. Please do not watch or read this!!

If you or someone you know or love is going through something like the listed above please do Reach for help!! Before and at end of this small Fic I will place this message because even if I do not know you I still care about each life!

Please do Reach or ask for help! I am not the best person to help due to being a writer and creator of the fics I post here but its best to seek professional attention and help!

So If anything Proceed with caution!

Summary:

Takes Place after the trials. Zach and his loving girlfriend you take a break. Not only because of what he had testified but of what your relationship had become after and before Hannah Baker. Little does reader know its not just one sided love anymore.

______________________________

__________________

________

The young adolescent female grips the seat under her as she listens to her boyfriends confession. Her facial expression was more shocked and hurt than angry. As she continued to listen to Zach's Words on how he and Hannah had become more than friends during the summer Y/n was gone. The young female bit her lip and quietly left the room.

....

"Damn it Dempsey.." She silently cried in her room clutching the plush that Zach had gifted her. "Why did you go and cheat on me?" She sniffed still upset about the confession. Suddenly there were gentle knocks at her door.

"Y/n? Sweetie? Zach is here to see you!" The Teen's mom had called to her. The girl crying from earlier had cleared her voice to sound normal and responded.

"I'm a little busy tell him to come back at a later time!" She had curled up into a ball and silently cried into. After a few hours of being on the cold now warm floor, Y/n then stopped crying and wiped her tear stained face.

"Im not just going to stay here crying.. I have to take my mind off of this.." I mumbled getting off the now warm floor. The girl changed into a black tank top, a red flannel and blue shorts. She slipped on purple ankle socks and black hightops. She walked out the front door and walked the streets of crestmont. Her feet led her towards Rosie's an old fashioned diner that she regularly attended only for her favorite drink. A Vanilla milkshake which she had only shared with ..

.Zach..

She walked through the doors and sat at her usual booth and ordered her Vanilla milkshake. "Hey you mind if I sit with you Y/n?" A familiar Voice asked. The girl looked up at the owner of the voice none other than Clay Jensen.

"No go ahead! At least your not a heart breaker Clay.." The broken girl had mumbled to herself. The Milkshake had soon arrived in their awkward moment of silence. The tension became thicker the longer it was silent so the male had now began to speak. "Hey Y/n I'm really sorry about what happened during the trials.. you don't deserve that.." He said cracking a small smile. She looked up at him after playing with her straw smiling for once. She then Laughed. "Hey Thanks Clay.. your a really good friend.. at least you know how to cheer a girl up" she smiled at him making him blush. The girl sat up more comfortably looking at him.

"Well if you need me I'll be around the halls of Liberty! Just call for Clay!" He chuckled. The girl stopped her sip and stiffled a laugh. He smiled at the actions of his friend as she laughed at hjs awkward attempt of a joke.

Little did they know someone was watching them.

------

It was now morning and students bustling through the halls of Liberty High. The Young girl who was so broken hearted was now smiling again and hanging with her friend. "Clay! Hey! You wanna watch a movie sometime? Just as friends!" The now happy female chirped. Clay looked at his female friend and nodded.

"Sure! That'd be fun! But I don't think your boyfriend would like that.." He motioned to the said male across the hall glaring daggers at Clay. The girl turned to the male and sighed apologetically. Zach being caught glaring then looked at something else either around or at a locker.

"Clay? Should I forgive him? I know It was one sided but..-" She sighed looking at him for amswers. The male put up both arms mid air showing that he was hiding nothing. "Hmm.. Well thats honestly up to you! If you want to go ahead I'm only tired of his glares." The male friend had sighed. The girl smiled at his words and hugged him.

"I think its time to forgive him Clay" She spoke softly and pulled away from ths hug only to walk ober towards the circle of jocks.

"Hey look its Y/n are you here to tell Dempsey your not his cheerleader anymore?" The Baseball player named Bryce Snickered. The small female rolled her eyes at his words. Her hand reached out for the Larger hand and pulled him along getting out of the circle of jocks.

"Y/n look I'm so sorry.. fuck.. you deserve someone better than me.." He started and only looked at the ground. He rambled on not thinking about the usual filter he had on when he was with friends or family. We soon stopped outside and were near a couple of wooden tables with benches surrounded by trees.

"Zach... The only reason I left you...us.... this relationship.. was because This was all one sided after the summer.. Hannah had ignored me and so had you.." I started rubbing my arms with my hands looking at a tree. He gasped softly. "I felt Like I wasn't good enough for you. .. Even after what happened between you two.. you never even bothered to stop and tell me... not even my own friend..am I that much of an embarrassment to you?" I weakly said tears finding their way out of my eyes. I heard the crunch of the leaves and familiar shoes infront of me.

"Hey.. Your not an embarrassment.. I'm sorry that I've ignored you for so long.. it's just.. I thought with you gone that I would.. try and get over it.. but hannah came along.. and I still have her note.. I never threw it away.. I never bothered to tell you because I didn't want you to think.. oh god.. I'm screwing this up again aren't I?" He rambled on running a hand through his hair. He kneeled to look me in the eye and could only take my hands in his still rambling on.

I smiled at his words and cupped his face with my hands. His eyes looked into mine with utter confusion at my sudden action. "Zach thats now why I came to talk to you.. I camt to talk to you because I.. Still want to forgive you.. I know that only happened once but.. I want us to be honest from now on alright?" I softly whispered only so he was able to hear. Suddenly I was now buried in his chest his arms around me tight.

I hugged his hugs frame that my arms could barely wrap around. I nuzzled into his black shirt that he wore under his baby blue Letterman jacket that I clutched my hands on.

"Y/n.. I want you to know that this wont be just one sided anymore alright I'll love even harder than before! Better then ever! I'll love you just like you have.."

Extra Notes: Gosh this was so cheesy! But if you have any requests! Please feel free to message me or give a request Via inbox!

5 notes · View notes