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psychicbergara · 2 years

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Ok so I’m always the worst with asks cuz I suddenly forget every thought I’ve ever had but I’ve been on a fanfic binge and I love when ppl come to the realization that their in LOVE by the most mundane thing and they were overwhelmed and idk maybe that with shyan ??

hi anon im SO sorry i took so long to write this out. it got a lot longer than i thought and honestly,,, im not too happy with it but i hope you think it's decent enough lkjldfjgdf 😭 im always open to constructive criticism so anon and anyone who reads this, please let me know your thoughts, i'd love to know what yall think!! anyways uh.. enjoy? sldkfjdf

Love wasn’t necessarily a tangible concept when Shane was in his youth. He was more of a ‘go with the flow’ kind of guy, ticking checkboxes on what you’re supposed to do when you’re in a relationship with someone, like saying the daunting ‘L word’ as he used to call it in his teenage years. Looking back, he has said it plenty of times, but he knew deep in his chest that it wasn’t right. He was like an old pull string toy; pull on his string and he’d robotically say a cheesy romantic phrase with all the enthusiasm he didn’t feel, all empty of genuinity and meaning. Which was obviously pretty shitty, he knew that now.

Shane never understood stories of couples that got together knowing they were The One. It was just a bunch of baloney, if you asked him; lots of fairytale bullshit. But, he couldn’t help but feel almost envious at times. He was almost hitting 30 and was aimlessly going through the motions, impulsively moving to LA after he was accepted for an internship at Buzzfeed. He’d see where life took him, he guessed. But he truly thought he would spend most of his life never truly experiencing what love is like; Scott once told him it was like having an overwhelming sense of security, contentment and care for another, loving them in the details. You make sure they’re safe, happy, healthy, and eating well. Shane assumed he would just continue to observe love from a distance. That was true, until he met Ryan.

—

It happens on a Friday.

Ryan has been on kind of a craze, lately. Despite coming to work with tired eyes, he’s been on a frenzy with Unsolved. Completely honed in on what he’s doing, he doesn’t even notice Shane leaving his usual order of decaf coffee at his desk sometimes. It makes Shane a bit worried if he’s being honest. Not only does Ryan look like he could fall over at any moment, but there’s a distance between them that wasn’t there before, and he thinks Ryan has put it there for some reason.

It started last week after their usual Friday movie nights. Shane and Ryan made their popcorn together, because popcorn requires all hands on deck to cook it to ‘the utmost perfection’ as Ryan would say, and watched their movie of the week which was good ole’ Jaws. Everything was going great, they had their usual little jokes and Shane would occasionally throw popcorn at the screen which led to Ryan calling him a ‘monster’ for wasting popcorn, or a ‘sick bastard,’ which made Shane burst out with surprised laughter, in that fond voice Ryan always uses when he insults Shane.

But after the movie, Ryan was looking at him weird. He didn’t know what it was, but Ryan looked a little wide-eyed like he would when going to locations for Unsolved. It was like he was scared of Shane. And Shane had no idea what to do with that; Shane decided that he hates it if that genuine fear is directed towards him, but he just let it be. He absolutely regrets that now; Shane should’ve asked if he was okay, if he was feeling sick, but Shane didn’t know how to do that just yet when it came to Ryan.

Now he answers Shane’s text with a brief ‘Yea’, or ‘Ok’, not leaving Shane much to hope for in the rest of the conversation, when they would usually text until 1am. Whenever Shane invites him to hang out, Ryan tells him he has a personal thing, or family stuff to take care of. While Shane believed him at first, it’s becoming more frequent that it’s harder for him to ignore. And Shane is usually a relaxed guy; he’s not used to getting worried about Ryan. Ryan’s the one who tends to knaw over something that bothers him until it becomes liquid, and Shane brings him out of it when he’s at his worst. But it’s different, he guesses, when it involves Ryan.

He wants to know if he did something wrong for Ryan to act like this. Was he too much of an asshole during the Unsolved shoot? Ryan would tell him if he was doing too much, he’s not afraid to tell Shane to fuck off if he’s being a shithead. Maybe something did happen in Ryan’s family and he’s being a self-centered jerk about it. He doesn’t know, and it concerns him. Shane needs to know if he’s okay, if he’s eating or sleeping well. But he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to ask, if whatever is between them is too much to bear, and if Shane crosses the barrier between them would their relationship break entirely.

Shane scrubs a hand over his face, taking his eyes off the computer in front of him. This is probably how Ryan feels on a day-to-day basis. He doesn’t know how he deals with it.

Ryan already left work before Shane could get a hold of him, and Shane takes that as another sign that Ryan doesn’t want to talk to him. He sighs, grabbing his stuff to leave work before he feels a buzz from his phone in his pocket. He takes it out and Shane almost drops his phone when the screen illuminates with a text from Ryan.

Hey can you come over real quick? I need to tell you something.

Fuck, if that isn’t the most cryptic text ever.

Sure thing buddy. Is everything okay?

Yeah. Don’t worry about it.

Shane taps out another text, then deletes it, and then taps out another. His fingers hover over the send button. ‘Are we ok?’ remains in his text box with the cursor blinking in-and-out of view, almost taunting him in a way. Shane deletes it, and sends out a different text before he begins to overthink again.

Okay. See you soon.

He doesn’t get a response back, unsurprisingly. Shane sighs again; his skin feels too hot and he feels a headache coming on. He’s getting too old for this shit. Getting in his car to drive straight to Ryan’s place, he hopes that the road doesn’t lead to the end of the most precious friendship he’s had in his life, to a place where Ryan has already left Shane behind.

–

When he gets there, it’s not what he expected.

Ryan greets him at the door and tells him to sit down on the couch. He’s making small talk, which is something they never do because, frankly, they both hate doing such a thing. It’s uncomfortable; plus, there doesn't need to be any small talk when it comes to them because they’re them, talking comes naturally to them because it’s like they’ve known each other their whole lives. Except now, where Shane feels like his lunch might crawl up his throat since Ryan seems like he might run away.

But then Ryan grabs a stack of papers sitting on the coffee table before sitting down beside Shane, a few inches farther than Shane would’ve liked. He’s playing with the papers in his hands while avoiding eye contact with Shane. His own hand twitches in his lap, having the strange urge to pull Ryan in close, rest his own head against Ryan’s hair and ask him what’s wrong, if he’s doing okay, if they’re okay. But he doesn’t.

Then before Shane can get a word out, Ryan shoves the papers into Shane’s chest, making Shane bring out an embarrassing ‘oof’.

“This is a very rough draft, but that’s what I have so far,” Ryan blurts. A rough draft of what, Shane is about to ask before Ryan goes on a spiel of explaining his pitch.

Shane is feeling a little deja vu, his mind flashing back to the day Ryan asked him to co-host Unsolved with him. Ryan back then was overall smaller in stature but his presence was just as big, even bigger now, he realizes. When he talks, he captures everyone’s attention with the way he articulates his thoughts and his movements are always so lively and full of light. Ryan just fills up an entire room with his existence, and it’s absolutely mesmerizing to watch. If Ryan was like that then, he is so much more now. And if what Shane’s gathering from Ryan’s explanation is correct, Ryan is going to get so much brighter, and Shane wants to be there when it happens.

Ryan wants to create his own company, producing all the previous ideas he had for Buzzfeed into this new channel. There would be unscripted shows, more variety, more content, and the best thing, more creative freedom. And in all honesty, this sounds absolutely genius. Shane has always admired Ryan’s mind, how he’s always been a pioneer in original content, paving the way for fun new shows, but this absolutely takes the cake. Shane loves it; he does.

But that means Ryan would be leaving. Leaving Buzzfeed. Leaving Shane.

His heart plummets to his stomach. Now he feels like running out the door. Or he might just throw up all over Ryan’s living room floor.

Shane looks down at the papers, trying to blink away the sudden dampness in his eyes that he hopes Ryan can’t see. Fuck, he’s not gone yet. He needs to get it together. Ryan is still in the midst of his rambles, so Shane is thankfully in the clear. He reads some of the notes and immediately notices all the inky scribbles and chicken scratch of Ryan’s writing.

There’s a bunch of sentences crossed out, question marks in the margins, double-sided arrows across the page to convey that these ideas need to be switched. Just write with a pencil, you idiot, Shane thinks fondly. It’s all very chaotic, which is exactly like Ryan. Shane huffs in amusement, looking over the document, completely endeared by the absolute mess of it all, but absorbed with Ryan’s insanely clever ideas.

Ryan’s still talking, which Shane is half-listening to because now he’s so enamored by the way Ryan writes his little h’s, with a little unnecessary squiggle at the end. It’s such an incredibly ordinary detail about Ryan, but for some reason Shane’s overwhelmed by it, by all of it.

Shane’s rubbing his thumb over the ink of the words when he thinks that he’s going to miss hearing Ryan’s incredibly long rants of whatever he’s passionate about and reading Ryan’s illegible handwriting in bold ink; he’s going to miss the annoying way he writes his h’s. He’s going to miss Ryan. And–

Oh.

“So, what do you think?” Ryan asks.

There’s absolutely nothing going on in Shane’s head other than a high buzz of a revelation that’s breaking Shane’s entire worldview. Anything he says won’t be coherent at all, so all Shane can say is, “Hm?”

Ryan gives him an incredulous look; one of those cute expressions he made every single time Shane told him he ate bugs as a toddler, genuinely baffled and disbelieving even though Shane has told him the same story multiple times. Well, fuck.

He’s in love with Ryan. And Ryan might be leaving him.

Shane’s thoughts race through his mind; Please don’t leave just yet, that’s too soon, I need more time with you, I just got to know you better, give me time to know all of you.

“Dude, did you listen to anything I said?”

Shane grimaces, trying to bring himself back to normalcy. “Uh, some of it?”

While Shane thinks he would be mad, Ryan just chuckles, “Unbelievable, this guy. Am I that much of a bore to you?” Ryan playfully smacks Shane’s shoulder, while also gradually losing the tension that weighed so heavily on Ryan before, which lets Shane bounce off their usual banter.

Shane laughs. “Yeah, I was definitely snoozing it up over here. I was making myself cozy with my new blankets before you rudely interrupted,” Shane says, placing the papers Ryan gave him on his lap as his new makeshift blankets. Shane fakes a snore, making Ryan dip his head with laughter.

Shane smiles softly at him. He can’t stop looking at Ryan, looking at the way he laughs with his whole body and how gorgeous his smile is. He has never seen anybody glow like Ryan does, carrying so much light that the sun may actually be his soul. And Shane doesn’t believe in souls.

He doesn’t want any of this to go away.

Shane clears his throat as Ryan’s giggles die down. “I do think you have something commendable here, Bergara.”

Ryan beams. “Yeah? You think so?”

“Yeah, I really do. You’re going to be great.”

At Shane’s words, Ryan’s demeanor dims a little. “I was, uh, actually hoping that you’d do this with me.”

Wait, what?

Before Shane can reply, Ryan continues, anxiety taking over him. “I mean, you don’t have to give your answer right away. I understand that you need time to think about it since it is a lot. We’d have to use our life savings, and it would require a shit ton of effort, but it could be like our little company baby, I guess? That’s a fucking weird way to put it, great job, Bergara–”

“Ryan.”

“You get what I mean. And you could do so many great things, Shane, like you did with Ruining History before Buzzfeed canceled it–”

“Ryan.”

“You could do it even better than that since our bosses won’t be looking over our shoulder like an obsessive helicopter parent. I just think–”

“Ry.”

Ryan stops, and looks at Shane with those big brown eyes that Shane absolutely adores, scared that Shane may actually say no. Shane wants to scoff, and thinks, As if.

He doesn’t know how else to quell Ryan’s worries but to do this– Shane gently takes Ryan’s hand, rubbing his thumb over the inside of Ryan’s wrist, and presses his lips onto Ryan’s knuckles. Well hello there, m’darling, Shane thinks deliriously.

Shane hears Ryan’s breath hitch, and Shane doesn’t blame him because he has never done this before. And before Ryan could ask what the fuck is going on, Shane says in a low voice, “Of course I’ll do this with you.” Shane’s voice is too tight, too emotional, but he knows– I’ll follow you anywhere. I’ve followed you into the darkest places the world has to offer, so of course I’ll follow you now. It’s been good from the start so it can only get better.

So this is what love is like.

Ryan doesn’t pull his hand away from Shane. His eyes brighten and happiness is buzzing from his skin, not quite letting it spill just yet. “Really? You’re serious? You’re not fucking with me?”

Shane grins, “Nope. You’re stuck with me, Bergmeister. I’m like a bad penny under your shoe, I’ll be annoying you till the day I die, whether you like it or not.”

Ryan cackles, and before Shane knows it, he’s got his arms full of Bergara. He wraps his arms around Ryan, feeling like the luckiest person in the world when Ryan squeezes him just a little tighter than usual.

“Looking forward to it, big guy.”

This love, Shane knows; it’s a forever one. And he’s more than okay with that.

#shyan #skeptic believer #asks #sophie answers #sophie writes #i hope this was okay!! slkdfjd #like ive said before im not the best writer so any feedback would be great<3

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