#so maybe it's ok to say fuck my budget and go get that nice sandwich and maybe see how much a small new tattoo might cost

[rubenesque-as-fuck]

Weekends are just a never-ending argument with myself about why I need to stop spending money on things in what feels like a Sisyphusian effort to feel less sad

#it doesn't MATTER that those cute heels are on super sale dumbass!! #because you never fucking go anywhere to wear heels and have nobody to wear them for so they languish in your closet 99% of the time #you don't NEED another tattoo no matter how fun they are or how happy the idea makes you #you SHOULDN'T go get fancy weekend food there's cheap shit at home aren't you supposed to be on a budget idiot #you have ENOUGH random hobby distractions you don't need another one to add to the stack you never even finished that last jigsaw puzzle #but then like counter-argument... when I don't do things that make me feel better at least for a little while then i just think about dying #and being empty and alone and having my whole life stretching ahead of me in a featureless fog until i die anyway #so maybe it's ok to say fuck my budget and go get that nice sandwich and maybe see how much a small new tattoo might cost #because it's not like my budget will matter if I just Succumb To The Horrors #retail therapy #depression #honestly money spent and calories consumed on the weekends just shouldn't count 😤

[soyouthinkucanwrite]

Chapter 1 - intentions, a Tom Holland series

The name of the series is super random, don't mind me. No warnings. Reader is a postgraduate student at NYU, made a docuseries on her research and the show got picked up by Netflix. She goes on press tour and meets Tom on a ‘chat show’. This could be an amazing few days or more? It’s been interesting writing how they’ll deal with distance and tight schedules once ‘honeymoon’ is over...

(y/f/n) = your first name

(y/l/n) = your last name

(y/n) = your name, complete or not

1.8k words

Chapter 1 - A new city

Chapter 2 - Show time

Chapter 3 - Unexpected texts

Your docu-series was doing better than anybody expected, well, anybody but you, it was a project that you really believed in. You sold the first season to Netflix with its 10 episodes shot all in NYC and they premiered with almost no press or promotion. But still, the wholesome moments and captivating stories had already become viral and people were so impressed by you. The text was amazing, and your improvisation and good mood lifted the spirit of the whole thing, making it the new feel-good show everybody was binging and talking about.

Better late than never, Netflix decided to promote the show and so they sent you to give interviews and go on talk shows. You still didn’t have an agent, something that you were in desperate need of, because your phone was blowing up all the time with offers for publicity deals, new interviews, and even some job offers. You couldn’t think about that now, you had to focus on making this “press tour” the best possible so, in the next meeting with the Netflix executives, you could close at least two more seasons for your show (and maybe score some other deal for yourself). With all this, you still had to worry about grad school (you still had at least one more year ahead of you until you get your PhD, if you managed to get time to write the dissertation)! You’d have lost your mind for sure, if it wasn’t for your producer and partner in business, David. He was helping you schedule everything and organizing talking points for the promotion tour, but ultimately you were the face of the operation. Fair is fair, that’s why you got to find an agent ASAP.

Currently, you and David were in London for the last bit of the trip, after tomorrow, you guys were going back home to NYC. One thing at a time, you thought to yourself while he talked on the phone with his fiancé outside of the coffee shop you guys were grabbing a bite at lunchtime.

You looked outside the windows, this was your first time in London and you couldn’t stop thinking about how it looked exactly like everything you ever imagined but so much more at the same time. Just like NYC, in that sense. You smiled thinking about maybe shooting a season here someday.

“Hey! Did you order something?” David snapped his fingers and to get you out of your trance.

“Huh?” you looked up.

“Earth to (y/n)? I thought you were hungry?” He laughed at you.

“Sorry, but common, look at this city! You can’t blame me for getting hypnotized.” You answered while he went straight to the counter to order some food and beverages for you guys.

“Yeah, it's beautiful. But this weather, how can someone function with this much moisture all around? Is like the air is heavier.” He said sitting back.

“The air is heavier because of the pollution, probably.” You joked back. You always loved big cities, but that didn’t mean you’d close your eyes for their problems, you just had a better tolerance for this kind of stuff. “How’s Lukas anyway? Everything alright back home?” You asked.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. He’s just touring wedding venues. He was really happy with the sudden budget increase.” He answered.

“Well, if he waits long enough, his budget might get even bigger. Speaking of which, we got to talk to some layer about that meeting next week. I think we’d be smart to go in there with our terms very well thought about.” You said.

“Right. I’m looking into it. You worry about finding that agent. One thing is the show, the other is your image. And something tells me the more you’re valued in, the more we can negotiate for the show.” He reasoned while the waitress walked towards the table with two plates.

“Own! Is so sweet to have a friend looking out for me!” You joked and threw a napkin at him.

“I am! You’ll see that when your huge face it's on Times Square and you’re closing the deal on some penthouse at 5th.” He laughed.

You shook your head and rolled your eyes at him. David was sweet, but he wanted nothing to do with the celebrity part of this project of yours and you knew he said this kind of stuff in a condescending kind of way. He wasn’t wrong, but you also couldn’t say you didn’t enjoy the attention you were getting because of the show. Maybe he didn’t felt like that because he had Lukas, but you were more than ok to take a few selfies with strangers and doing some photoshoots here and there. You liked the attention, but as long as you were concerned, penthouses and money deals weren’t included in your idea of happiness. Regardless, everything was so new and fun. Thrilling, if you didn’t spend too much time thinking about it.

“Is everything ok for later? Is just this one today, right? Then Radio One tomorrow morning?” You asked him before taking a bite of your sandwich.

“Yes. Yes. And yes. Mary sent your clothes straight there and someone from the show will make your hair and makeup. I think we should go right after here? We’ll have some time to kill there, but I think we can hang out backstage.” He answered.

“Oh, I don’t know. I was thinking maybe we could walk around. Get to know the city? Maybe visit-”

“Excuse me?” You were interrupted by two girls, apparently close to your own age.

“Hi!” You answered happily, but you could see David recoil in his seat (probably already expecting to be asked to snap the picture).

“You’re (y/f/n) (y/l/n)? From that Netflix show?” One of them asked the blonde one.

“Yeah…its (y/l/n), actually, but that’s fine!” You laughed and tried to be friendly.

“Oh! Sorry! We thought the show was so cool and you’re so beautiful!” The other friend said, the one with black roots and blueish tips.

“That’s sweet! Thank you for telling me! David helped me produce it, did you know?” You pointed to the guy extremely uncomfortable in front of you. You loved messing with him.

“Hi.” He said uncomfortably. There was an awkward silence.

“Anyway, would you mind taking a picture with us?” The girl with blue hair asked you.

“Sure! No problem!” You answered quickly and got up to pose.

After you guys took some selfies and David took some pictures of the three of you, you insisted he was in the shot too and the girls agreed politely. He wanted to kill you, but you didn’t care, you were only messing with him. How often you had the chance anyway?

“Thank you so much! Bye!” They said as they left you two to finish your meal.

“If only every teenage with a phone was this civilized,” David said grumpily.

“You complain too much. They were sweet! And they liked our show! That’s awesome!” You seated back.

“I guess that’s pretty great.” He smiled at you. But his smile died once he looked at his clock.

“Anyway, finish eating. I don’t think we’ll have time to even hang around backstage. They told me we’d have to be there at 3” and its already 2’30!” He told you while signaling the waitress for the check.

When you got to the studio, which was in central London luckily and not far from where you guys had lunch, there was a corridor with some doors and your name was in one of them. The Graham Norton Show was super fun and guests sat together on the same couch while being interviewed at the same time. You hadn’t even thought about who the other guests would be yet, but you had to put on the outfit that Mary, the Netflix stylist, had prepared for you and get your hair and makeup done.

“Hey! Can you find out who the other guests are while I change?” You asked David.

“Sure! I’ll be right back!” He answered opening the door and letting a small middle-aged woman inside.

“Hi!” She greeted him. “I’m Rosie. Here for makeup and hair.” She announced.

“Hi! I’m (y/n)! I’ll just change real quick, do you have a cape we can put over the outfit so it doesn’t get dirty?” You asked already undressing in front of her, David was long gone by now.

“Sure, sure. We have to be quick though darling, you’re going on in 30 minutes.” She said opening the little suitcase on the counter under the mirror.

You put the dress on and sat on the chair in front of the mirror.

“You can keep it simple, all the way. I get more nervous if the hair and makeup are too pretty, afraid of ruining it with my movements and sweat. Which of course, only makes me move and sweat more!” You laughed, trying to make conversation and relax.

“Relax, you’re already beautiful! We can just make some curls and after I’m done with your skin, a good eyeliner and pink lips?” She asked. You were glad she was nice and chill about it.

“Sounds perfect! Do you know who the other guests are? We were kind of squeezed in today.” You laughed again.

“Oh! Yeah! Its -” She started to say but was interrupted but David coming abruptly inside.

“Ok! Don’t freak out!” He said.

“I already am! Why would you come in like that? What is it?” You asked already freaking very much out.

“Its Tom Hanks. And -” He said.

“WHAT? Are you serious? What the hell man?” You tried to move but Rosie pushed you back on your seat.

“Yeah. And Jake Gyllenhaal and Tom Holland. And Stormzy is singing later. They’re promoting Spider-man and Hanks is here for the new Toy Story.” He explained.

“I’m dead. I’m dead. I’m dead. I’m going to die.” You mumbled.

“Well, which one it is darling? I’ll just add some more blush anyway.” She laughed at your reaction.

“Fuck David, they must really be betting on us. Why else would they put us on the same couch as Tom Hanks and those guys? Super-hero guys!” You reasoned with him.

“I was thinking the same thing…” He started to talk but he noticed your expression.

“Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Relax! You’ll be great! You’ll do great! They were really excited to meet you actually! They love the show!” He told you trying to calm you down.

“Oh, man! What? They’re out there? And they want to meet me? And I’m in here? Oh boy, they must think I’m so rude!” You thought out loud.

“No! No! I told them we were late and you had to get ready. Yes, I chatted with Spider-man and Bumble Boy.” He gloated.

“Bumble boy?” You laughed at him but thanked him with your eyes because you knew he was just trying to distract you. There was a knock on the door and a stage assistant pecked inside.

“Hi! Is Miss (y/l/n) ready? We’re starting in 5 minutes.” She said.

“All ready!” Rosie answered.

“Oh lord. Thank you Rosie.” You were freaking out but didn’t want to forget to thank her.

“Oh! I forgot to mention. Gwyneth Paltrow is here too.” David said before running out of the room.

“WHAT?” You wanted to chase him but were scared to fall from low blood pressure.

#Tom Holland #Tom Holland fanfic #tom holland x fem #tom holland reader #reader is famous #Tom hanks #jake gyllenhaal #graham norton #interview #tom holland one shot

[jiminrings]

hi hannah! i may have a request 🥺 i've been watching too much tiktok and this two made me want some jungkook skater au 😳 like the reader saw him and went like love at first sight so she purposely buys a skate and goes everyday to the skatepark and start learning just to impress that hot tattooed skater that kinda looks like a bad boy but he's actually a softie. ♡

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSm5Huop/

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSm55usm/

late skate

pairing: jungkook x y/n

wordcount: 7k

glimpse: jungkook would rather wash down his grip tape than spend another hour seeing you land on yOUR ass, a smitten y/n and love at first sight, and tae almost losing his bearings (in all aspects) <3 // gif is from pinterest :D

note: thank you so much for the request babie!!! also i’m sorry since i’ve done this a month late hee-hee bUT but it’s here now!!! fun fact: i used to skate but one time i fell on my ass so hard doing an ollie that i quit ( ˙-˙ )

there is nothing

there is absolutely nothing you hate more than walking home alone and at-

wait u need to shudder

night

times like these make you both angry and scared because fIRST of all

you’re angry because if oNLY (you’re still hoping that u win the lottery soon) you were born to wealth and ease (if you see park jimin one more time in a billboard you’re about to lose it), you wouldn’t have to worry!! or even work for that matter!!!!

you could have a car by now!!!

but you don’t have a car and you’re still saving up for that because you have to keep up with your bills and this nice and decent apartment that you’re living in right now

well if you’re being honest, you are splitting it with yoongi and that cuts back your expenses significantly but that’s besides the point

which is why you’re being extra thrifty!! save up all the money that you could so you could by yourself a car amongst other financial decisions and nOT be scared shitless when walking home

you’re working at the animal shelter most of the time and it’s very fulfilling because of cOURSE!! your job is to care for animals and give them a better chance at everything :D

the pay is more than decent but it’s not the highest sO what you do on your spare time is pick up any job you could!!

and the income that you need is more and more than decent because taking care of chimmy is not an easy feat

chimmy, your alaskan malamute!!! he’s the first puppy you’ve properly taken care of in the shelter and you’ve fallen head over heels for him

he kept bumping into the wall when he scrambles after you call for him but eH you love the clumsy giant still!!

so much so that you file your adoption form for him and run over to mr. kim’s office hurriedly :D

your boss seokjin’s pretty sweet after all but at the same time he’s intimidating!! too sweet and intimidating at the same time that when he approves your form without much question, you almost kiss his cheek

...

.... hehe

jin beat you to it and instead he gave you a side-hug with a very strict warning to take care of chimmy and provide everything that he needs

he eats 𝓅𝓇𝑒𝓂𝒾𝓊𝓂 dog food and you could only assume the amount that he needs because of how he towers

the treats?? one time yoongi got overly-excited to take a picture of him and accidentally left the bag on the ground, and when he came back?? chimmy’s managed to inhale all of them

thankfully he’s only loyal to one (1) toy and it’s to this brown angry... entity..? with one tooth that yoongi’s made by himself

but he constantly has to replace the stuffing because chimmy nOTICES when it’s flat and unstuffed from his own doings

hehehe the grooming.....

you thank your lucky stars that jin gives you a discount to have chimmy groomed!! 

one time you were about to have a breakdown because a $100 grooming session simply didn’t click well with your ongoing budget and you decided to do it yourself :D

spoiler alert: chimmy kept barking at you when you held up the mirror to his face because wOOF did you just... d-did you give him bangs.... how was that possible....

and then sECOND of all is that well.,.,.,

you’re scared and that’s it

there is every possible reason for you to be scared :D

you get off from work at 5!! but now it’s quarter to 8 and you totally should’ve booked an uber but it completely slipped your mind

normally, you wouldn’t walk home alone though because chimmy comes with you to the shelter, and then he serves as a therapy dog of sorts to help ease and calm down the new rescues!!

he even has his own little ID oh my god :’)

but he doesn’t come in everyday and well you remember,.,.

no actually, yoongi REMINDS you that today is his day-off at work and explictly implied that he’d very much love to cuddle with a giant alaskan malamute as he gets his well-deserved rest

and yoongs has been the reason to why you don’t unravel every single day and you owe him for your life so yea okay you can have chimmy whenever you need this giant pillow of support <3

but no

no 

you don’t have chimmy with you and you don’t have anyone to bark and be willing to growl n intimidate any creepy dudes you could possibly encounter on this twenty-minute walk home

the extra coffee you’ve drank at 6 in lieu of dinner does not help at ALL

what if you just... run

that way you get home faster and you won’t have to be that antsy!!!

ok maybe just a light jog would do

you wanna go home so badly and take a shower and be sandwiched between your warm sheets and sleep all the way

you miss chimmy and yoongi and you just hOPE that he’d already cooked dinner and you won’t have processed food again for the third time in a week

and after dinner maybE you could treat yourself to online shopping because yoongs has also been pestering you to let yourself indulge once in a while

your thoughts are jumbled once panicked and it reminds you that yes you should definitely get a car and you know what??? you probably should-

wait fUCK

...

....

oh

wait

hold on a second

did you just manage to narrowly dodge what seems to be a skateboard in mid-air??????

“taehyung, you dumbass!!”

said taehyung is jumping down and crouching to pick up the deck at your feet and squeaks an “oop sorry ‘bout that!!” before going back and

well...

mr. “taehyung, you dumbass!!” is who you presume to be the speaker,, because well no one eLSE is in this skatepark at 9 in the evening,,,, is standing RIGHT underneath the light and is right at your line of sight

it’s as if the clouds are opening up and chimmy’s barking could be heard and everything you deem perfect is ringing right in your ears because god.... holy shit.....

he looks and probably feels like a warm-sized bed that smells of baby powder and fresh linen

he has a hoodie on with the sleeves scrunched up and you tHANK yourself that you’ve saved up enough to get lasik eye surgery because those tattoos...,.,. you r positive that they would be your demise

mr. TYD has a loose bucket hat on yet you could still see his features clearly and you aren’t lying when you say he is perhaps the most breathtaking thing you’d ever seen

even more breathtaking than seeing chimmy in the laundry room and having fished for your one good perfect bra in his mouth

oh

huh

you’re pretty sure this is what love at first sight must feel like

suddenly, you aren’t anxious at all and you’re instantly gravitating towards the ramp without much complaint

there’s a bench conveniently placed in which you could see him but he won’t see you

you find yourself sticking around and smiling when you see him goofing around in all good fun

hopefully you don’t look like a cREEP because you swear you aren’t!!!! and hopefully they don’t notice you either and find out then and there that you’re here in a skatepark withOut a skateboard,,, just sitting,,, to see him

this may not be your best idea yet lmao yes you’re gonna admit that

but it’s probably the first and last time that you’re ever gonna see him so might as well watch him for awhile!! that’s all!!!!

ok wait

this is definitely a bad idea because yoongi calls you and you forgOt to put it on silent and it’s his voice that greets you very rudely as soon as you pick up

“y/n where the FUCK are you???”

oh lmao it’s quarter to 10 already

“jeez, i’m coming home!! calm down!!”

“yeah tell that to chimmy who’s been worried sick with me and won’t stop hOWLING!!!”

you’re scrambling to gather your duffel and sneak oNE last look at him and ur practically pouting as you say goodbye to him under your breath 

:((

“... aw, you worry about me?”

you resume back to jogging on your way home and this time for rEAL

you’re gonna miss him

he’s like one of the random dudes you see in the mall that are sO breathtaking and you know you’re never gonna see them again

you didn’t even manage to catch his name :((

but whoever he is, he feels a little more different than a dude in a mall because this time, you feel like you’re gonna cRY at the thought of it

little did you know that jungkook could see you all this time and he’s sad to see you go 

:D

chimmy is the first to leap at you as soon as you come through the door

and if you didn’t anticipate the giant, then you’d probably be toppled over by now

yoongi finds it weird that there’s this lingering gentle smile on your face

well he shouldn’t be so shOcked because he sees you talking to yourself when you’re watching documentaries and cooking

(( he always checks if there’s a camera hidden somewhere in the kitchen and you were vlogging or something but nO!!! ))

it’s like you’re a third-grader again that goes fERAL at just the thought of their crush

you hope mr. tyd has already eaten breakfast and hasn’t had any injuries with his skateboarding

you’re trying to rationalize with yourself that it’s just a stOOpid and pathetic crush to harbor in less than a day and stop thinking about him

the universe must seem to hate aND love you at the same time because well would you look at tHAT

it’s 5 in the afternoon and you have chimmy beside you and you’re walking home

and that’s practically your routine ever since you’ve gotten this job

it would only differ if a situation like last night happens or when you’re too tired to walk home oR when it’s raining

but right now it’s your normal workday, and you’re walking home, and it’s sunny, aND THIS IS THE SECOND TIME YOU’VE SEEN HIM

this is also the first time that you’ve seen him in such a situation that you didn’t expect :O

the fact that you’ve mayhaps watched kimi no nawa last night with yoongi and perhaps 98 times before that, does not help at all

“you uh, y-you wanna go for a run on the grass, chim??”

there’s this mini field besides the skatepark and chimmy happily jUMPS at the mention of grass :D

aha oh well :D would you look at that :D your dog wants to go run on the grass that’s a couple feet away from the skatepark :D who are you to stop him anyways?? :D

chimmy’s more than happy to comply with your wish and vice versa because he’s having the time of his life clearly

he’s your pawman and the perfect variable so you wouldn’t seem like a third-grader with a helpless crush on anOther third-grader

it seems that hE’S more excited than you though because chimmy runs to the ramp instead of the grass!!!

and in the process he goes UP to greet a guy like he does with you whenever you come home!!! it’s harmless pouncing per se

but it’s not entirely harmless because it feels like chimmy knows EXACTLY what’s in your mind and what he’s doing

“chimmy!!!”

.....

...... of course

chimmy has to of cOurse pounce on him

jungkook wasn’t surely expecting a giant and overly-friendly alaskan malamute to pounce on him right when he was about to drop-in

it’s a pleasant surprise either because it’s-

wait

oh my god

is this yOU?????

listen.,.

jungkook was in the skatepark last night with taehyung and they took advantage of it because they were the only ones there!!

tae surely wasn’t kidding when he said that he was a novice because holy sHIT how was it possible that he sent a skateboard flying mid-air after a failed trick??

kook flinches when he follows it in his line of sight and notices that there’s someone down there who might be literally dECKED out of tae’s stupidity

he’s about to yell for this passer-by to dodge and-

time seems to move quicker because you’re already stopping yourself and flinching in place and then looking up

you’re rIGHT underneath this street lamp and jungkook sighs a breath of relief when he realized that you weren’t hit

but at the same time he’s gasping again because wow

t-that’s uhm-

okay

wHEW he has never felt this pressure in his chest ever since he joined a quizbee in 8th grade

would it be-

ok nevermind

WOULD IT BE TOO FORWARD FOR HIM TO SAY THAT HE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU ALREADY

you’re really beautiful??? and frankly he has to look away for a second because you’re tOO beautiful that he doesn’t know what to do with himself

that’s it u are under arrest for being too pretty >:(

jungkook’s flustered because there’s just these types of people that put a knot on his chest unknowingly and he doesn’t know how to act normally

you are the equivalent of him not being able to look at the screen because the kdrama was that good and he feels unworthy to even watch it

it’s goosebumps all over his skin and he’d be lying when he says his cheeks are not heating up at aLL

“taehyung, you dumbass!!”

his first instinct is to scold taehyung because what iF he ended up hurting you with his skateboard, hmm?? and tHEN what

he expected you to leave after that close-call and if everyone must know, jungkook has an incredible talent at being able to scope out things in his peripheral vision

he could look straight ahead and be able to see what you were also doing at the side

he doesn’t know if that’s a talent or uH everyone has it but whatever he can do that!!!

and you were clearly still there and in fact, even sIT down on the bench

he could see you smiling and giggling and a ginormous part of him assumes that it’s because of him

he prays to god that it’s NOT the guy who almost decked you with a skateboard ://

jungkook was acting weird and he kept smiling and laughing mORE than necessary and taehyung can see right through him

“bro all i did was walk towards you wtf are you laughing,,.,”

“AHAHAHAHAHAHHA tae you’re so silly XD”

alrighty then,, maybe jungkook just binge-ate his vitamin gummies which is why he keeps beaming for an unknown reason

koo was so grumpy literally just before he had his skateboard flying and now he’s ???? weird

jungkook was ultimately sad to see you get up and he knows he’s probably never gonna see you again ok alright time to mope

but this

this

he’s beyond surprised to see that said owner of giant dog happens to be yOU!! of all the people!!!!

it’s you!

“i’m so so sorry about him!! he’s just excited to make friends with everyone and i don’t have the sLIGHTEST clue why he came to you!!”

you pointedly look at chimmy and he has the audacity to howl before looking away

it hasn’t dawned on you that you’re talking and apologizing to him but it certainly did on jungkook which is why he’s charmingly laughing already

“no, no. it’s okay, i don’t mind!! his name’s chimmy, then?”

you’re blinking profusely because yes.. right.. HE is talking to you

“yeah, uh, correct!! his name’s chimmy :)”

“that’s cute. anyways, i’m jungkook :)”

aha :D

koo would like to think that he is smooth

and yes you agree

you immediately shake his hand tOO eagerly with a smile on your face as you’re trying to take this all in

“i’m y/n :)”

jungkook’s hand is bigger than yours and your hand fits sNUGLY right into his hold

he has some tattoos on his hands and there’s some peaking from underneath his hoodie

but even with ur lasik vision you cAN’T focus because omg are you seriously holding jungkook’s hand.,.,

jungkook as in THEE jungkook that you’ve immediately clocked and crushed on last night in an instant

your lil moment of just holding each other’s hands is interrupted when taehyung pops out of nOwhere

(( actually he’s been there for the past two minutes and he kept switching between cooing and laughing ))

“yO i’m taehyung!!! you must be y/n, i didn’t nick you last night, did i?”

he takes it upon himself to hug you right then and there

well he’s warm and he passes the internal vibe check yoongi’s hotwired into your brain so you reciprocate!! you like hugs anyway and taehyung’s just like chimmy but in human form

jungkook practically squawks and stammers in his place because w-why.. w-what...... no

chimmy bARKS at taehyung and koo is tempted to do the same too because no man you simply do nOt hug my crush that you know absolutely nothing about

“he’s asking for you.”

kook points to chimmy who’s obviously pouncing on you to come run with him

you excuse yourself so you could go satisfy the giant and jungkook felt like his heart was gonna fall out of his aSS

tae wiggles his eyebrows and has his lips pursed and it’s the shit-eating grin that he immediately flips off as soon as he sees it

“what was that all about?”

you are convinced

you are 100% convinced

your head is fully-set into the game and in no way are you gonna back out

“min yoongi!!”

ah there it is

yoongi’s having the time of his life playing fetch with chimmy! what could possibly be any more important in this world than that

“what did i do now?”

you only call out his full name when a) you’re agitated and when b) he’s ignoring you and you’ve had enough of it

he really doesn’t recall giving you the cold shoulder recently

and he certainly didn’t agitated you when all he’s done is play with chimmy and sleep!!!

“please click this for me pls. click. please. pls click.”

aH yoongi should’ve brought his glasses instead of leaving them on the couch

you’re holding out your laptop to him with your arms outstretched and he has to come really close to decipher and-

... huh

“a skateboard?”

pardon him but he’s really lost on this one ok

he is as lost as he was when walmart decided to completely rearrange the whole store

“... and what do you need a skateboard for? y/n when i said that you should get yourself a four-wheeler, i didn’t mean a skateboard-”

in what part does a skateboard look like an SUV

whY are you like this

“it’s for uh... it’s for fun purposes!!”

you’re trying not to raise any more questions in yoongi’s mind but his head is miles miles away now lol

???? you hate trying new things though ???

one time you traded in your beef ramen for pork ramen because the first one was out of stock and throughout the whole meal you kept thinking how much you regretted it

and besides, skateboarding would be the last thing you’d get into!!!

yoongi distinctly remembers that you’d rather choke on chewing gum rather than get your knees scraped

why was that?? because when your knees get scraped, walking and doing everything else?? impossible 

nice try sherlock but the moment you do so much as to not stand up straight?? sIT down?? yeah your knees would give out 

what has got to be something so special that you’d wanna get into skateboarding and risk yourself into getting your knees scraped??

....

....

omg is that what he thinks it is

“... it’s a crush, isn’t it?”

the way you instantly shut him down and practically have to beg him just to press the check out button.,..

aha 

yeah yoongi’s gotten his answer alright :D

whatever this is

or whatever that’s going on

you’re sure that you’ve never felt this content for a long time

you now bring a change of clothes so you wouldn’t go skating in your uniform because that just honestly sucks

you may be too tired to walk to the skatepark which is why sometimes you’d book a ride, but no you’re never tOO tired to skate and see jungkook :D

it’s frustrating enough as it is

yoongi used to skate and that’s the reason why you’ve found this shortcut in the first place because this was where the park was!! you’d always think at the back of your head on wHY was yoongi struggling!!!

smh that’s so easy yoongs </3

joke’s on you now though because trying to balance on the board in the first place scared you shitless because hOW were you supposed to do this??

you can ride a bike and that has tWO wheels and this has fOUR bearings!!! how come you can’t balance yourself??

even managing to stand up on the board without panicking for more than ten seconds AND managing to shift from left to right even if it’s albeit shaky at first, took you a wHOLE evening

but you’re so proud of yourself and so is jungkook :D

jungkook finds it the highlight of his night when you’d hold onto him

yes he knOws you have it under control now and you barely hold onto him for support

“just so you won’t fall, that’s all.”

he always evades your eyes when you go look up at him dreamily like that because how could he not???

you’ve covered the basics of pushing yourself then simultaneously riding the skateboard!!

you do that for one WHOLE week and both jungkook and tae (and yoongi) think it’s time that you do something else besides skate in one straight line and occasionally to a left and a right

ok you’re kind of scared shitless because you already fell a couple of times but y’know what?? it’s time!!

society has progressed past the need of you skating in a straight path

the society NEEDS you to do tricks now

.....

........

confession time:

dear diary the kickflip is simply not kicking the board in an attempt to flip it by itself. it is not. it is not as easy as it sounds. it is the bane of my existence

it’s evident that you’re stalling out of your way with this one but you just need oNE success and that’s it!!! one win to woo jungkook from his feet and then you’d stop

tae has already shut you up too because you keep talking about how your day went when you already is set four times before that

and it must’ve been a lucky first time because you absolutely nAIL it on the first try!!!

you honestly thought you’d land square on your ass and see bruises on it later in the shower but N-O!! you’ve done it perfectly and-

jungkook’s not looking

he didn’t see your feat!!

or maybe he didn’t see it because he chosE not to!!!

OR

maybe doing a kickflip is nothing impressive and it’s obvious that he’s a pro at this compared to you who’s even more of a novice that makes taehyung look like a god

you can’t have that :((

ok ok hOW can you impress jungkook

there must be something you could do to impress him!!

omg

that’s it

this is practically perfect!!

you’re gonna do your first drop-in at a pipe that is nowhere gOOD for a beginner like you :D

one, two, th-

“easy, doll.”

jungkook materializes out of nowhere and you expected him to be skating at the far end!! not mere inches away from your face holding your hANDS

this is the first time you’ve seen jungkook actually this close and you just have this urge to kiss his cheek

he has you whipped for him and he hasn’t even done anything to you!!!

“not the best idea to go down an eight-foot tall half-pipe for your first time, hm?”

he scrunches his nose at your absurd thoughts because absolutely wHY would you do that??

how could you fall in love with him even mORE

“do the two-feet tall one first. go have taehyung teach you.”

the grin in your face goes as fast as it came

no offense to taehyung but he’s not the one your head-over-heels for :((

practically everyone knows about your crush on jungkook BESIDES jungkook himself

you’re tapping tae on the shoulder to come and teach you while you just watch kook shred it at the other side of the park by himself

it’s okay!! progress is progress and you’re gonna get far with jungkook!!

going to the skatepark right after work is now your new routine

sometimes you even come with yoongi when he’s free and he takes all his time to gloat on how you used to make fun of him when he was skating avidly back then

that gives you a grand total of three (3) people teaching you how to skate and giving you pointers

jungkook also now holds conversation from time to time :D

he’d ask you how your day went and you’d have to pretend that you didn’t wait for him to ask so you’re not spilling detail after detail

he now does this thing of pinching your cHEEK when you get something right 

your heart after doing an ollie goes bEEP when he pinches your cheek and tells you eagerly that you did such a good job

yoongi’s laid off his teasing for you and jungkook but god he can’t deny that he gets these weird vibes from him

eh it’s probably nothing

today you’re especially excited because it was an outfit that you just bought and you feel gREAT in it!!!

tbh your day was the absolute worst but jungkook is always a great pick-me-up to whatever day you could have :)

a tennis skirt with shorts already built underneath is the greatest save of ur life

it’s a little on the more expensive side because it IS a name-brand and those don’t come cheap but it’s ok :D it’s gonna be worth it :D it better be :D

oh uhm

jungkook seems different today.... ?

you were used to him looking intimidating and mad even if he wasn’t, but this time it just felt emphasized even more

taehyung’s here but he’s not the only one!!! there’s two guys with jungkook on the other side of the ramp

“those are his friends, i guess?? i don’t know, he hasn’t introduced them to me.”

so you’re nOT the only one who’s lost

jungkook will probably come around later and you could all hang out again :))

chimmy happily chuffs at your side and that just gives taehyung the most wonderful idea he’s ever had this day

“hEY which one of us do you think could out-skate chimmy???”

jungkook is utterly and without a doubt stressed 

he knew that hoseok and namjoon would come over, but he didn’t expect that they’d visit him while he was in the park!!!!

and he already knows what they’re here for and that just makes him grimace :((

“why don’t you want to go pro?”

koo’s ears feel like bleeding when hobi asks him that for the nth time

god it’s always just the sAME question!! he could practically sniff the air on what they’re gonna say next

“jungkook, i think we all know that you’re more than qualified to be a pro!! look at you!!”

it’s the same conversation over and over again

the next things they’d say are that he’s a natural and he’s wasting all his talent doing this thing cASUALLY

he’s not the next tony hawk or anything like that!!! he’s not gonna book a sponsorship and a collaboration with vans!!! but hobi and joon kEEP insisting that he’s that good

“hyung, i think we’ve already talked about this-...”

“yes and you refusE to listen!! why can’t you just accept the fact that you have a much better future in this??”

jungkook’s currently a freelance graphic designer which means he works from home and he’s in charge of his oWN schedule

but it doesn’t necessarily mean that every single day he gets a new commission or anything grand like that

he’s gonna be honest and say that yES he has thought of being a pro skater!! but he’s trying to be as rational as possible about it

because not every competition would be a win and not competitions don’t happen as frequent as a typical job is!!

and what iF jungkook gets injured?? something of an injury that would lay him off from skating 

and being unable to skate??? = he basically gets nOTHING

he feels pressures because hobi and joon are pro skaters already!! and that gives them all the more reason to make jungkook into one

not to flex but uh they’re both quite already kNOWN

and jungkook hasn’t even started his pro career but he’s already known!!! both by his skills and the fact that he’s friends with these two champions

“i literally do not care if you beat me!! just come take the leap and be a pRO already, jungkook!!! it’s a loss as it is that you still consider yourself an amateur.”

their words, not his 

ok uhm what if

what if jungkook opens a skate clinic?? he can do what he loves and in the same time, earn money!!

... yeah

okay! 

that could work!! and if he feels extra prepared, then yeah maybe he’d be a pro

or would a skate clinic be useless if he isn’t a pro by then???

oh my god

jungkook’s so frustrated with all this sudden bombarding and it makes him want to tug at his hair

as much as he loves his hyungs, sometimes they just can’t seem to know when to back oFF and realize that their nudging is more like shoving

“do something productive and worth your time, jungkook. stop babysitting.”

namjoon says with an edge and that tames jungkook

what makes it worse was what they were implying in the first place

hoseok doesn’t make it discreet to look at taehyung and you

“tae, tae, look!! i’m doing it, i’m doing it!!”

you’re saying over your shoulder because omg you’re getting the lead and chimmy’s slowed down for some reason

well actually taehyung’s took it upon himself to stop behind you

“guys?”

you get an immediate answer when you feel someone effectively hALT you still and you almost fall on your ass just by the sheer strength of someone holding you up

jungkook’s holding you down and his hands are quite heAVy on your arms

there’s this unexplainable look on his face but you’re positive that it’s not one of happiness

“you should probably stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing.”

oh

to be honest you’re unsure of how to react

but the way that jungkook looks like he’s mad at you and retreats back to those two guys with a scoff in his step -- 

it’s enough

it’s truly enough for you to reevaluate every decision you’ve ever made

maybe it’s simply not just a bad day for you and a case of overthinking thigs,, and it’s perhaps the fact that he want you to stop

stop whatever that is happening

you probably must be frozen in place because chimmy bounds and pounces at you

you probably must’ve looked like an utter fool,, skating in a tennis skirt and trying to outrace a damn dog in a fucking skatepark,, right in front of jungkook and his friends

“y/n, you uh, y’okay?”

tae’s worried because there’s an instant shift to your mood and he could only assume what you were feeling

tears prick at the back of your eyes and that’s the signal for you to gather your things in a flash because the last thing you’d want is to cRY in front of him

“y-yeah! i’m gonna go home, tae. chimmy’s looking for yoongi.”

the dog in question tilts his head because w hat now,,,.,., wha t,.,. he is???

you learned that dogs could smell emotions and that makes you even sadder

chimmy was behaved the whole time; didn’t even try straying you around when he keeps seeing umbrellas on the street even if he loves them

you’re okay

:)

you should be okay

....

there’s something definitely off

yoongi’s cleaned everything and did his share of chores

the tv is still mounted and the microwave’s clean!!

chimmy didn’t have a toilet accident because if he did, he would’ve already picked it up

there’s definitely something off with yOU

because first of all, why are you here???

“not coming to the park?”

if he can recall correctly, no matter how knackered you were after work, you’d still go to the skatepark!!

... not unless you were injured??

nah because if you were injured then you’d be whining to him now

“nope :)”

you’re lying on the couch where he usually lies nowadays because you weren’t around!!

and you’re drinking from your mug that he’s claimed as his mug

and chimmy’s squished in between the tiny gap of you and the far edge of the couch

“and why?”

he’s always had answers for everything but his mind’s bLANK for this

“wanna spend time with you guys :)”

oh

okay

that’s gotta be the answer, right???

this is definitely weird

for starters, it’s already 11 PM and jungkook’s still in the skatepark and he’s not even skating anymore

he’s just waiting

weird... you aren’t here.......

aH it’s nothing :D you’re probably just tired and didn’t want to go skate

oh and.. you’re not here the next day

or the next

or the nEXT

jungkook spends almost the entirety of his time in the park

he goes there at 3 in the afternoon and comes home at 11 in the evening

no big deal

half of the time is just spent him actually skating and the other is figuring out wHERE you are

uh maybe you’ve started to take ubers now every time you come home??

you’re not walking home anymore and the car would pass by the skatepark and jungkook wouldn’t have a single clue where you are

it’s also this time that it dawns on him that he has no means whatsoever to contact you

he didn’t ask for your number and didn’t exchange socials so he could only gUESS

he can’t come over to your apartment either because he hasn’t walked you home and therefore he wouldn’t know your address

holy shit he’s so dumb and jungkook misses you a lot

like a whole whole lot

he misses you holding onto his shoulders for support and misses your excited grin whenever you nail a trick and had a perfect run

there’s nothing that jungkook could dO besides wait

and miss you so much

and mope

kook doesn’t want to give up and miss a day because what iF you pass by when he’s not there???

he can’t have that and he wON’t have that

he’s just so antsy and he hasn’t had his fix of chimmy bounding towards him and the malamute intentionally pouncing on him whenever he’d drop-in so he could lose his balance

he just needs to see you and your duffel bag and the precious yet beat-up wristwatch you have and-

WAIT

THAT’S YOU!!!

jungkook’s brought his perfume the past few days because he wouldn’t want to be aND smell sweaty when he sees you again

he’s wearing a shirt this time and nOT a hoodie and it’s actually a nice shirt!! the pale orange makes his tattoos pop

he’s also wearing a watch so he could look business-ish and composed and he kinda hATES watches because uhhhh you ever heard of a phone, buddy??

you’re walking striaght and paying no mind at all and to your surrounding and-

there’s suddenly this cRASH in front of you and it makes you recall in response because that came out of nowhere

... and this feels oddly familiar

only this time though, it’s intentional and it’s jungkook who literally tHREW his skateboard down on the spot in front of you

“y/n? wow, what a coincidence!”

you didn’t expect to see jungkook as soOn as you anticipated that he wouldn’t be here

he laughs nervously and he tries not to overanalyze the fact that your face is blank

:|

“yup. totally.”

you’re avoiding his gaze and meanwhile he’s searching desperately for yours 

what is he feeling and why is it hurt and longing at the same time

“can i walk you home?”

the words tumble out of his mouth before he could even ponder over them longer

“i uh, i rEALLY can’t believe i never asked to walk you home!! or even ask for your number!!! but uHhhh it’s late at night and to be honest i don’t have your number and i just need to know that you’re safe and-”

he stops his rambling right there because he realizes that he’s a stuttering nervous mess

you’re a bit speechless because normally you’re the chatty one but this one.,.,,. this one’s a pleasant surprise

“yeah, yeah. okay :)”

he can’t believe either that you agreed to it but he’s immediately gathering himself and swoops your duffel for him to hold

he’s not gonna entertain a single complaint <3

it’s not exactly the most tensioned silence ever but it’s definitely nOT comfortable

“why didn’t you come to the park?”

okay well sHIT you didn’t expect him to be this straightforward

wait no 

you shouldn’t be surprised!! after all, he probably did mean what he said the last time you’ve seen him

what are u gonna say now

well you coulD say that you’re busy and he’d probably fall for it!!

or reiterate the truth that he’s implied and say it with a straight face

“oh. i started intentionally falling on my ass because i missed you,” jungkook spills out of nowhere while waiting for your answer and he now realizes that might’ve been a little awkward

after all he dID admit that he missed you

ahem

“did i uhm... did i say something?”

he rephrases his question and he knows that this was the more appropriate one

your coping mechanism is to kick on the ground as if there were leaves and there are absolutely nO leaves <3

“jungkook, you told me to stop.”

he blinks rapidly at that as he tries to digest your words

he’s trying to backtrack as much as possible and it wasn’t that!!

he simply doesn’t wanna see you hurt

“i can’t explain it but holy shiT i can’t see you hurt!! a-and i know that being hurt in skating is normal but for sOME reason i can’t stand it when i see you in pain o-or-...”

jungkook just can’t explaiN what he feels

“i just -- i just don’t gEt why you’d want to be hurt?? whY are you doing this to yourself??”

you find him ridiculous and this whole situation is just rIDICULOUS

“jesus christ jungkook i did it to try and impress a guy!!”

that earns you a snort and you immediately go defensive

he seems irked and his eyes are just beGGING to be rolled

“who?? taehyung?? the guy who would’ve wiped you out if he did end up hitting you on the head with the deck just a little harder??”

“what? taehyung???” you’re so confused and jungkook hates it even more, “yeah, taehyung!!”

“i like you, jungkook!”

o-oh

uhm

a.....ha

“me?”

he points to himself to which you eagerly nod your head to

“can you excuse me for one second?”

he barely gives you the time to respond because he’s already walking away and biting his arm

he’s actually sCREAMING

you throw your head back because omg did the two of you just basically admit that you liked each other

jungkook jogs back to where you stand a presses a hefty kISS right on your cheek

he’s on too much of a high that he holds your hand and practically drags you along with him because he’s almost skIPPING from how happy he is

“okay. good. nice. very good!!!” he could now sigh in relief because whEW that robbed him off his breath

“because i fell for you when i first saw you.”

jungkook basically has nO filter now and it’s adorable because god he’s just so soft and you now know what’s going and this wouldn’t be just whatever

“huh. imagine if yOU fell for me too at the same time,,,, that would make me piss my pants.”

he cackles because wow he dO be funny :D

he’s turning to look at you to gauge at your reaction and the waY that you’re holding your eye contact with him is all-telling for your answer

oh my god

jungkook is wrapped around your pinky :’)

#fEEDBACK PLS AND THANK U :D #jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook imagine #jungkook imagines #jungkook drabble #jungkook drabbles #requested drabbles #jungkook oneshot #jungkook oneshots #jungkook x reader #jungkook x y/n #jungkook au #jungkook fic recs #jungkook masterlist #bts masterlist #skater!jungkook #holy sHIT i hope this works #bts jungkook imagine #jungkook angst #jungkook angst imagine #jungkook fluff #jungkook fluff imagine #jungkook fluff imagines

[buckyscrystalqueen]

Half Blood, Whole Heart: Part 33

Pairings: Jax x Reader, sister Winchester!reader- SOA/SPN Crossover

Warnings: Swearing, fluff

Word Count: 4,156

A/N: So I decided to repost my novel- the story that someone stole from my old blog and put up on Wattpad. PLEASE don’t be an asshole and steal my stories. It CRUSHED me when it happened and almost ran me off Tumblr.

A/N 2: Alright y’all. This is the last part of the story! You made it!!! You just have this one and the epilogue! Yay!!!!

Half Blood, Whole Heart Masterlist    Aesthetic by @ravenangel33​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chibs, who was now wearing some of Jax’s winter clothes, looked at the four of you as he tried to process everything that had happened in the past year with Gemma, Clay, Juice, RICO and what you could tell him about the supernatural world.

“So… this means I’m free… but dead?” He asked as you rocked yourself on your chair.

“Same as us. This is a small town; people don’t ask questions. You’ll be safe here.” Opie said as he lit a cigarette.

“Sam can get you a public identity when he gets here tonight. I can talk to Bobby, see if he has it in his budget to hire you on as a mechanic in the warmer months. Cash, off the record, so you don’t exist.” You said.

“In the winter, Ope and I fix snowmobiles and do the mobile mechanic thing around town. We do a lot of shoveling for the people out here. We’re working on getting a snow plow for these back roads since we are really far out here.” Jax told him.

“And you’re more than welcome to stay in either our guest room or (Y/N)’s.” Lyla chipped in as she rocked next to you; her hand slowly dancing across her large baby bump. “But our daughter is due next week so it might be a little quieter here.”

“’It’s a lot to take in, we know.” You said as you tried to read Chibs’ nearly blank stare.

“Sorry… ‘m still tryin’ ta wrap my ‘ead round this all.” He said as he pulled a cigarette out of the pack on the railing. “I can’t believe ye’s all are alive.” You huffed a laughed as you looked up at Jax, who was leaning on the rail in front of you.

“God, you have no idea.”

“Hey, are you expecting someone?” Opie asked as the sound of a car pulling into your driveway caught your attention. Your brow furrowed and you shook your head.

“Not until tonight.” You said as you tried to see around Ope. You realized that that wasn’t happening and straightened your legs out to stand up.

“Holy shit… it’s Dean.” Your stomach soared as you leapt from your chair. Your brother got out of the car with an almost cocky smile.

“Miss me?” You were just about to run down the stairs to greet him when the passenger got out of the car. The whole world ceased to exist as John looked over the top of the car at you and you came to a dead stop on the top of the stairs. 

“Daddy?” You whispered into your hands as tears welled in your eyes. Reason went out the window as you ran down the snow covered steps in your socks, slipping slightly as you hit the bottom.

“Hi sweetheart.” Your dad said as you ran and jumped into his arms as tears poured down your cheeks.

“How are you here?” You asked as you wiggled to get down; instantly regretting your choice as you landed in ankle deep snow.”No, pick me up! Pick me up!” You shrieked as you tried to jump on the hood of the car to get away from the cold. 

“Amara brought him back. Said since I gave her her family back I should get the same thing.” Dean said as he headed up porch with John carrying you on his back right behind him. “Where’s Sam?” 

“On his way. Have you talked to him?” You said as your dad put you down. 

“Don’t have a phone. Figured he’d come here since he thought I was dead.” 

“Jesus Christ, this day is getting weirder and weirder.” Jax said.

“Yea, you’re tellin… Holy shit, Chibs!” Dean said as he finally noticed his old friend. 

“Dean-o. ‘ow are ye, lad?” Dean shrugged as they gave each other a back slapping hug.

“I mean, I almost blew myself up this morning so I guess I’m doing OK.”

“Aye. Died my self ‘parently. Wee bit confused ta say the least.” Dean laughed and nodded.

“Yea, tends to happen when you know the Winchesters now-a-days. Can we go inside? That piece of shit car didn’t have a heater.”

“Umm… Ree is in there with the boys.” You said as Dean moved to open the door. You watched a slight blush creep up Dean’s ears as he looked over at you.

“Shut up, Button.” He snapped at your knowing smirk. You raised your hands and pursed your lips.

“Didn’t say nothing, De.”

“Boys?” John asked as everyone headed inside. You nodded as you laced your arm through his.

“Your grandsons. Thomas is three and John turns one tomorrow.” You told him softly as you walked him inside to your little war zone. 

“No!” Thomas screamed from upstairs over the sound of running bath water; his least favorite thing in the world these days. He would much prefer taking a shower like a big kid. 

“Thomas. You have chocolate in your hair…” Crowley tried to reason with the three year old.

“No! Big boy bath!”

“I got it…” Jax sighed as he headed toward the stairs.

“Well I was going to make lunch before everything got a little crazy so I’m hoping grilled cheese sandwiches are OK with everyone because I don’t have anything else.” You said as you looked around at your visitors. 

“I’ll help. Ope, you wanna start a fire in the living room and help Dean fill in gaps for Chibs and John?” Lyla said as she looked at her husband expectantly. He nodded as Dean toed off his boots and made himself comfortable in your home like he always did. 

“De, call Sammy!” You said as you pulled off your wet socks and headed into the kitchen to see Crowley there looking as confused as ever.

“Dean and John are back from the dead?” He asked softly as he peaked out of the kitchen toward the living room.

“Dean apparently never died. Amara… who I’m assuming is the Darkness, brought dad back as thanks for her getting her family back…?” You said; your words trailing up in a question as you didn’t know what that really meant to begin with. Crowley nodded.

“Well, that’s an interesting twist of events. That would explain as to where Chuck went.” You looked over your shoulder at him as you grabbed butter and cheese out of your fridge.

“Who the hell is Chuck?” Crowley chuckled as Lyla started laying out pieces of bread to get buttered.

“That, kitten, is what God chooses to be called these days.”

“Oh, for the love of… fuck…” You grumbled with a small shake of your head.

“Wait, you met God?” Lyla asked as she plugged in your griddle. 

“We fought his sister together, darling. Of course I’ve met him.” 

“So how’s your relationship going?” You asked; trying to avoid having to admit to your best friend that you had been lying by omission for the past 5 months. You looked at Crowley pointedly; giving him the silent and subtle clue to take your hint.

“Oh! Well… that is… not… something I wish to discuss with you, kitten. It’s rather personal and…”

“Are you still fucking him on the DL or what?” You asked flat out; causing Lyla to snort with laughter. Crowley’s cheeks flared red. He opened his mouth to respond, snapping it closed a second later as he looked at his nails as if they were the most interesting thing in the entire world.

“Frankly, darling that’s none of your business.”

“That’s a yes.” Lyla giggled as the two of you flipped sandwiches.

“Wretched women… I hate both of you.” Crowley said before he disappeared.

“I can’t believe he and Dean…”

“Who and Dean?” Jax asked as he walked in to the kitchen with a clean son on each hip. “Figured you would wanna do the introductions with this one.” He said as he bobbed his head toward Thomas.

“Crowley and Dean are still doin’ it.” You said as you started stacking finished grilled cheese sandwiches on a plate. You paused for a moment and turned around to look at Jax and shook your head. “How the hell do we explain this one?”

“Now you see why I said you could do it.” You rolled your eyes as Lyla unplugged the griddle and put the rest of the sandwiches on the stack. With a heavy sigh, you walked over and took your oldest from Jax. With a small shake of your head you pulled something out of thin air that you hoped made sense to a child.

“Hey Tommy… you know how grandpa John went to live with the angels before you were born? Well, Uncle Dean and Uncle Sam helped the angels and God with some big things recently. The angels decided that because they were so helpful, they would let grandpa come back to us so he could meet you and your brother and watch you grow up.” Your son crinkled his face, thinking hard about this new information. 

“Are the angels letting everyone go back to their families?” He asked.

“Umm… no baby, just grandpa. And it’s only this one time.”

“Why?” You blanched and looked at Jax; realizing that there was no easy way to answer this question. 

“Because your Uncle Dean gave God his family back.” Lyla stepped in. “And God didn’t want your mommy to raise you without your grandpa. So he did what is called a favor. That’s something grown ups do to help someone out when they do something for each other.” Your son stayed quiet for an unusually long time; processing the information. You looked back and forth between Lyla and Jax, wondering what he was thinking before he nodded.

“I should make God a thanks card. Dat’s what I gotta do for Santa when he brings gifts, too.” You all laughed and nodded as Jax kissed the side of his son’s head proudly.

“Yea, that’s a good idea. Maybe you and grandpa can even make it together so you can both thank him.” You suggested.

“Is he good at crafts like papa?” You nodded as you thought about your dad’s amazing artistic ability. 

“Grandpa is amazing at crafts.” You said as you grabbed the plate of sandwiches and headed toward the living room. “You should ask him nicely to draw you a tiger.” Thomas cheered as you stopped in the doorway of your living room and looked at your dad. “Tommy, this is your grandpa.” You said as you set the plate down on the table and sat on the arm of the couch next to your dad.

“Grandpa draw a tiger for da card?” Tommy asked as he crawled out of your lap and into John’s. Your dad looked a little startled and chuckled.

“I think I can draw a tiger. What’s the card for?”

“We gots to thanks God for letting you come back to mommy. You gots ta make a card for a gift.” Your dad’s eyes shot up to yours and you gave him a smile.

“Those are the rules in this house. Get a gift, you write a thank you card.” Your dad’s eyes filled with tears and he nodded as he looked back at his grandson.

“Yea… we can make a card.” Thomas smiled and wiggled off John’s lap.

“OK. I go gets the papers.” He said as he darted out of the room to the play room you had down stairs. Your dad smiled and put his hand on your knee as everyone grabbed a sandwich.

“And this little guy is your and my dad’s namesake.” Jax said as he passed off your youngest to your dad. 

“He looks like you.” Your dad said as he looked back and forth between his other grandson and you. “Little bit of Sam as well.” You nodded as Jax grabbed two sandwiches and handed you one.

“He may look like me but he has Jax’s personality. Tommy is mini me.” You said as your oldest came running back with a stack of papers and his box of crayons and colored pencils. Your dad nodded as Thomas push all his stuff on the couch and used your dad’s jeans to pull himself on the cushion next to him, causing John to laugh.

“Oh yea. He is just like you.” He said as he helped his grandson up. 

���Give me the wee one. I need ta love the little bugger.” Chibs said as he stood up and reached across the coffee table for little John. You smiled at your family; the dysfunctional chaos that it was.

“World almost ends and we get a grandparent and one of our friends back because of it.” Jax whispered in your ear. You smiled and nodded as you wrapped your arm around his waist.

“I call that a Teller win.”

——

The smell of bacon and something burning woke you up way too early for your liking the next morning. Your brow furrowed as you looked to the other side of your bed at your sleeping husband. You knew Chibs wasn’t an early riser so that left one of the three Winchester men. As quietly as you could, you slipped out of bed and headed down stairs. You could hear grumbling that you immediately recognized as your fathers as the smell of strong coffee slammed into your senses.

“Daddy? What are you doing?” You asked as you leaned against the door way, rubbing sleep out of your eyes. John turned around to look at you with a sour look on his face.

“Your pans are stupid.” You giggled as you walked into the kitchen and looked at the stove.

“First of all, they are not stupid, they are amazing.” You reached in front of him and turned the burner he was using for what you assumed had to be pancakes down from ‘high’ to ‘medium’ with a smile. “Second, they are teflon. Non-meat foods cook on medium so the whole thing cooks not just the outside.”

“That explains it.” He said as he scooped up the pancake he was burning onto a pile of other burnt ones on a plate to his right.

“Third, I have a fancy griddle to cook pancakes on. Has a pancake temp in the book and everything.” He hummed at the new information as he grabbed the bowl of batter and started in on a new pancake. You pat his shoulder and headed over to make yourself a cup of coffee.

“You know… I don’t think I have cooked on an actual stove in thirty somethin’ years.” He said as he flipped the bacon in a different pan. “Diner food, fast food… Mary, the corp… I never really had to.”

“Well, you are more than welcome to stick around here and practice if you want.” You hopped up on the counter next to the stove out of the mess as he looked over at you.

“Thanks, princess. I appreciate that.” You nodded as you took a sip of your coffee; letting it warm you from the inside. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.” He said as he flipped the pancake over; his brow knit in frustrated thought. “After Mary the only thing I had going was the fight. I ruined my kids lives because of it…”

“Dad, you didn’t ruin our lives…” He looked up at you with a serious ‘Sam bitch face’ and you quickly chewed on your bottom lip to keep from laughing as you realized that John was the originator of the look.

“One of my sons ran away to college to get away from me and two years after that, my only daughter did too. Don’t tell me I didn’t ruin your life.” You shook your head as you set your coffee mug down.

“You didn’t. If I hadn’t run away, I would have never met Jax and had my sons. My brothers wouldn’t be the strong, determined, crazy, independent men they are now. Sure, we were a little different from most families but from where I sit today- 27 years old with a beautiful family, a job, a house… I wouldn’t trade anything about my life to get me to where I am right now. So if anything you gave me this.” You gestured around the kitchen, indicating your life before you picked your coffee back up and took another sip.

“Yea… well, still. Now my fight is over but according to your brothers there is still a fight out there…”

“There will always be a fight, daddy. The question that I had to ask myself years ago was is it worth it?” He looked up at you; the fighter in him obvious in his gaze and you sighed. “Not what I meant it to sound like.” You put your coffee mug down and tucked your hands under your thighs as you took a moment to collect your thoughts. “I don’t know if it was just because I’m not Mary’s daughter or if the hunting life was never really meant for me but I always looked at what you and my brothers did as not my fight… because it wasn’t. It was yours to avenge the love of your life and theirs to avenge their mother. My mother was just a piece of shit; nothing I can do about that.

Now that your revenge is done, you find yourself in my shoes. Sam and Dean have managed to find themselves in a fight with Lucifer… again. It’s not your fight, daddy. You don’t have to hunt with them. You said it yourself yesterday, this must be God’s way of giving you a second chance. You raised them right as hunters. They can handle this fight like they did the first time. You don’t have to take on the responsibility if you don’t want to nor do you have to feel guilty if you choose not to.”

“She’s right, dad.” Dean said as he leaned against the door frame of your kitchen with Sam right behind him. “If you want to stay and help raise your grandsons and be the parent you couldn’t be for us because of the circumstances, we don’t blame you and we won’t stop you. Shit, Sam and I want you to stay.”

“We don’t hate you for raising us how you did. It was the cards you were dealt. It prepared us for the things we face today in and out of the hunting world. But we also know that if you had the option when we were babies, you wouldn’t have wanted that life for us. You would have wanted the life (Y/N) has made for herself for us.” Sam said as he stepped into the kitchen past Dean and leaned on the counter next to you facing John. “We may butt heads more than territorial goats but you were the best father I could ever ask for. It just took me a while to realize it. Minus, you know, the giving your kids guns for Christmas at the age of nine to protect us from bad Santa but that’s a different story all together.” The four of you chuckled as Dean brought Sam a cup of coffee and stood by his side.

“Like I said, all we are saying is that if you want to take the second chance that you were given to be with your grandsons, do it. Sam and I; we got this. Lucifer will be back in his cage in no time. And no extreme measures will be taken to do so.” Dean said as he glanced at you with a knowing smile.

“Yea, better not.” You grumbled with a smirk as you grabbed your coffee and took another sip before looking back at your father. “And if you choose to go with them, I won’t take it personally… you are a hunter after all. Your truck is in the garage. The gun in the glove compartment was replaced by coloring books and Cheerio boxes and the photos have all been updated but the weapons box is still loaded and I’ve taken care of her.”

“You still have my truck?” John asked as he added another perfectly cooked pancake to the growing stack. 

“Yep. I had Bobby bring it to me after you died and I’ve had it ever since. Had to replace the carburetor and the transmission last year and she’s a bitch to find parts for... but it was yours. It’s come in handy over the years, too; Jax loves it in the winter but we can get a new one.”

“Keep it.” He said with a small shake of his head. “I can get one from the lot… if you’ll help me rebuild it.” He looked up at you hopefully. You nodded with a genuine smile.

“Yea… I’d like that.” He nodded his head and glanced over at his sons before going back to making breakfast.

“So, uh… can I get some of that bacon?” Dean asked as he craned his neck to look at the pan. You rolled your eyes as you jumped off the counter.

“There goes De and his no chick-flick moment rule.” Sam grumbled as you headed toward the stairs to get your youngest before he woke up and started crying.

“Somethin’ burnin’?” Chibs asked as he walked out of the room that was designated as the play room.

“My dad didn't know how to use a teflon pan. It’s OK; there’s coffee, pancakes and bacon.” Your friend moaned as he pulled a shirt that was way too big for him over his head.

“Real bed, real food. Cheers, I’m in ‘eaven.” You laughed as you shuffled upstairs and dipped into your room to throw on warm clothes to go out for a smoke.

“You’re up early.” Jax groaned as he rolled over in bed to watch you.

“Dad was trying to cook pancakes on ‘high’. Had to save the house from being burned down.” Jax huffed a laugh as you crawled across the bed and gave him a kiss. “Do you care if he sticks around for a while?”

“Nope…” Jax yawned as he rolled onto his back and stretched. “Two live-in sitters we trust… maybe we can try honeymoon take two.” You laughed as he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you down on top of him.

“I love you, baby but you shot me on our first honeymoon. I don’t think…” Your words were lost in a yelp as he tickled your sides and rolled you underneath him.

“God, you’re such a smart ass.” You smiled up at him as you tried to tame his wild bed head.

“You still love me.” You gave him a chaste kiss and pat his cheek. “Now, up you get. Our baby boy turns one today.”

“Where did time go?” Jax asked as he rolled off you and flopped back on the bed. “And with your dad moving in, we gotta start calling him Johnny or something so we don’t confuse the two.” You looked over your shoulder as you pulled your bra into place with a half mouth smirk.

“I think it would be a little strange for you to call my dad Johnny, babe.” You dodged the first pillow expertly but the second one hit you square in the back.

“I hate you sometimes.” You smiled as you tossed the pillows back on the bed and walked over to his dresser to grab one of his long-sleeved SAMCRO t-shirts that you loved to wear in the winter.

“I know you do. Now quit being lazy, we gotta head into town before people start comin’ over.”

“For what?” Jax asked as he rolled out of bed and grabbed a shirt from the drawer you were closing.

“Chibs needs clothes. I know Bobby has my dad’s old stuff but you, Ope, my brothers and my dad are all too broad for that man to borrow clothes from. I’ll just use one of Sam’s cards. And with two people moving in, we need more food.” Jax shrugged as he headed toward the bathroom.

“I’ll stay here. You can take him.” You shrugged as John started to fuss over the baby monitor.

“Have fun hanging out with Dean, then. No fighting.” Your husband popped his head out and shook his head.

“On second though, you may need my help… carrying shit.” You laughed as you headed out of your room to get the birthday boy with a smile on your face. You hesitated for a moment outside the door and looked up at the ceiling.

“Thank you.” You whispered softly to the mystery man and woman you now fully believed in who gave you part of your family back. With a small nod, you stepped into the room and cooed at your youngest pride and joy.

Epilogue

#Jax x Reader #Half Blood Whole Heart #soa/spn crossover

[thetravellingvagrant]

Day 6: Iasi- Grumble Warning

Ok, so, I've fallen a bit behind on posts and the one I was working on just deleted itself in a fit of selfishness, so I plan, over the course of today, to upload three mini-updates of significantly reduced length, in an effort to not send myself mental, trying to catch up. Don't worry. You won't be missing much.

So, let's speed through day 6; for the first time on the trip I had managed to let myself wake up naturally, without my alarm or (despite their best, snore-laden efforts) room-mates prematurely rousing me. Consequently, I slept until 12 and had managed to waste a good portion of my first full day in Iasi.

I shared my room with an odd Romanian man, who we will get to later and another, eerily quiet, fairly creepy man who had sat stock still, the previous night, not moving, even to check his phone when it went off, save for one incident, where he sauntered directly over to my bunk to thrust a piece of melon into my face, to ask if I wanted some. I did not. Melon is gross. By the time I had woken up, however, both men had vacated the room, with my melon based assailant seemingly having done so permanently. I was very glad of this fact.

After a genuinely infuriating experience of trying to drag my incredibly low-end laptop through the relatively demanding experience of trying to book accommodation for Cluj-Napoca; my next destination, through AirBnB, who had also arbitrarily decided that I, all of a sudden, needed to scan my passport into the website in order to make any further bookings, for some mad reason, I finally managed to get out into Iasi, to explore the city properly. Sort of.

The sky was badly overcast, meaning, that once again, despite it being pre-sunset, my jaunt into the surrounding area would be undertaken essentially in darkness. Regardless, I pressed on to my first objective of the day; to hoover up souvenirs, like a mad tat-vaccuum.

I stopped, for what I hoped would be a flying visit, though actually ended up taking up a good portion of what remained of my day, at a gift shop I had spied on my way in to the hostel, the previous day. A timid little man greeted me upon my entry and asked what I was looking for, for whom and what my budget was. I told him and he considered for a moment, before demonstrating at wearying length each piece of stock he felt fit the bill, which, as it turned out, was nearly every piece of stock he owned. After an awfully long time, he stopped talking and I picked the piece of tat I most felt would make an appropriate gift and attempted to pay. He insisted on gift-wrapping it, despite the fact that I told him I did not need it gift wrapped, nor did I expect the structural integrity of the wrap to hold up, during my flight home. But, no. He did it anyway.

I left and, after a quick stop at a nearby mall to pick up a fridge magnet, upon which my demanding (though still nice) girlfriend insists I bring back for her, I was finally ready to explore the city. Like, for real this time.

I sat in a nearby park and pulled out the comically huge map I had been given by the hostel

I mean LOOK at it...

before feeling a bit embarrassed and putting it away, after taking a quick photo of it to take note of the highlighted areas of interest. I decided, in lieu of a better plan, to saunter between them, despite the fact that most, if not all of them just seemed to be old churches.

The walk was nice enough, with my podcasts filling my ears to distract me from the low-key mundanity and creeping cold that was setting in, though probably not of any huge interest to the blog, as it can be summed up in the single sentence “I saw some churches”. I nearly went to a museum which featured exhibits on life in the area at around 4000BC, which sounded interesting, but by the time I had arrived, it was getting close to its closing time, and so I did not.

I ended up, instead, in a nearby park, which my giganto-map had told me, I my memory served, had inspired numerous romanian poets to create their best work. It was, however, by the time I arrived, a little after sunset, and so I was only really inspired to leave.

Finally, I made a quick stop at LIDL to buy far, far, far too many pastries to make my nine hour train ride the following day, less shit.

The LIDL, though quite nice, had the curious flaw of not having any baskets for me to use, hanging around. People had trolleys, but I had no idea from where they originated. Instead, I was forced to just sort of fill my pockets, tuck under my arm and otherwise clutch onto the not insubstantial amount of things I wanted to buy. It was awkward and uncomfortable and for some time afterwards, my hands more resembled talons, but I powered through, little soldier that I am, and made my pleasingly cheap purchases. I remembered to buy a bag for the walk home.

I returned to the hostel and set about my evening bibble before being interrupted by my strange Romanian room-mate, whom I had previously mentioned. He stumbled into the room.

“...Deed you see the city?”

“Sorry?”

“...Deed you go and look at thee ceety?”

“What, today?” I asked, feeling vaguely affronted, like he was judging me for being in the hostel so often, when I could be outside exploring this gloriously mundane town. “Yes, I just got back.” I challenged, adding “I was out walking around for like five hours”, just to make him feel like a real piece of shit.

He seemed to drop the subject and wandered over to the window.

“You know eet was snoweenk earlier?” he said, desperate to prove that I wasn't paying enough attention to the outside world, apparently.

“Oh” I replied. “No, I didn't.”

“Yeah, its stopped now, theenk you meesed it”

Oh, fuck off.

“Ah, well, there'll always be more snow...” I said, philosophically.

“Who knows, man” he answered back, also philosophically, but at the same time, stupidly. “Weenters are getting warmer, you know”

“Yeah, true...” I mumbled back, out of politeness

“When I was a keed, always such huge snow in weenter, but nowadays, not so much”

“Well, that's global warming for you...”. My stock reply to people talking about weather I'm not interested in.

“...I don't believe so much in global warmeenk”

...Oh, no.

“Oh?” I queried, knowing full well that I was getting dragged down this rabbit hole, whether I wanted or not.

“Yeah, I mean it maybe happens, but its effect is like a drop in the ocean, compared to the governments weather controlling”

“...Wat.” I thought, and also accidentally said out loud.

“You know, chemtrails etc, you know government controls weather right?”

I wanted to just nod and smile, but I couldn't bring myself to. I had never actually come face-to-face with someone who harboured such a stupid belief. You hear about climate change deniers, flat-earthers and anti-vaxxers, but you don't honestly believe they exist. They're like Santa, or happiness.

“...I actually think that's a very dangerous opinion to hold, let alone spread. There's literally no evidence or science behind it, whatsoever.”

“Ah, you know science isn't always right? These scientists theenk something and then, a few years later, eets replaced by a new thing”

“Yes, but it's always replaced with more science...not just a wild, mental guess”

I don't remember exactly what he said after this, but  I recall it being stupid. Something to the effect of “oh yeah? Then why do we have less snow now?”

I decided, at that point, just to drop it and be angry.

We talked a short while longer, before he vanished back into the common room to study for the university course he was undertaking while living here, which was also weird. Psychology, if you're interested, because of course it was. I have know idea what kind inperceptible mentalist lure has lodged itself at the heart of that subject, but, my god, it is there.

I bibbled a while longer, before sauntering down to finally use the shit, hostel kitchen to make some sandwiches; both for tomorrow's trip and tonight's dinner.

The climate change denier was in the kitchen, talking to some girl wearing a rough, loose fitting jumper, with her hair pinned up in neat dreadlocks.

“Oh, wow.” I thought to myself. The conversation I'm walking into is going to be fucking ridiculous.

“...You know why you're not supposed to eat fruit after a meal?” the man, let's call him Mental Andrei, said.

“Yeah, of course...” the girl replied, seemingly trying to make herself seem knowledgeable about a subject which was categorically mental and had no underpinning in facts.

“Because” Andrei continued “the food is already in your intestines and so the fruit goes straight through the stomach and go to the other food and it ferments and makes you feel sick. Maybe even make you vomit!”

I wanted so badly to tell him that what he said was fundamentally ridiculous; that a) food does not move from the stomach to intestine immediately after you eat it, that b) adding more food afterwards doesn't immediately mean that that food bypasses the stomach, like there's a big open plug-hole going straight through to your colon, which slowly closes again several hours after a meal and most crucially c) that humans have been eating and drinking fermented fruits for probably thousands of years, however, I kept tight-lipped, reasoning that to correct them would at best be a waste of breath and at worst, be an inescapable portal into their conversation.

I set about making my sandwiches, which were awful. Normally, I'd do a long description about how they were like someone throwing up into my nose and me snorting it into the back of my throat then swishing it around my mouth and that's what they tasted like, but because I'm trying to be brief today, I will simply say eating these sandwiches was like being kicked in the mouth by a shoe made of rotten meat. It was a sad, dry, gristly affair and I did not like it. Good thing I had just made four of them for tomorrow.

I then turned in to bed, eager to sleep, which which I did, after tossing and turning for a while, for at least an hour or so, before some absolute thundering prick decided the following things constituted acceptable behaviour; checking in at 3am; having a tour of the room and its amenities by the receptionist at this time; switching the room's lights on while he put took his stuff in; loudly and clumsily putting all his clothes away on /hangers/, directly next to the bed of someone, whom, for all intents and purposes, he could have happily assumed was still asleep; leaving the room, lights still on to have a shower, in the bathroom located directly through the wobbly cardboard wall from my bed and finally, coming back to bed to sit up, lights still on for a good hour or so afterwards, loudly coughing, turning the pages of his book and chuckling to himself.

It was a good thing I didn't have anything strenuous to do the next day.

...Oh, wait.

#travelling #vagrant #iasi #romania #churches #climate change #stupid #idiot #blue gifts

[thinspomotiv31]

*copied from myproana website.

To help you and myself when we feel like b/ping because it is a terrible cycle and we can get through it together!

This post will be explaining my method of how I stopped binging and purging after 2 years of doing it several times a day. I do not promote starving yourself but I know for a lot of people they won't stop purging because they're scared of gaining weight from binges. This is directed towards people who wish they could restrict to 500-1,000 calories (or more) but end up bingeing and purging. THIS IS NOT TO HELP TEACH YOU HOW TO RESTRICT. THIS IS PURELY TO HELP PEOPLE EASE OUT OF A HORENDOUS B/P CYCLE. It is my personal opinion that you must restrict a little in order to feel comfortable not purging.

If the following sounds similar to you, I believe this method can help you if you give it a try and at least you'll be able to keep down a good amount of nutrients and stop making yourself throw up which we all know is terrible for your health and causes major guilt and depression and is a very addictive cycle. The night before when you binged and purged you told yourself that it would be the last time. You told yourself you would either heavily restrict or fast in order to compensate. So the next day you manage to restrict and go all day without bingeing. At night however, you're so hungry you can't sleep or get the munchies while watching your late night TV shows. Or maybe it's night and you're alone in your thoughts contemplating whether to eat more or not. Maybe you eat a small unhealthy snack (potato chips, cookies, ice cream, etc.) which tastes so good and is so comforting that you say fuck it and eat a ton of unhealthy food, feel guilty and have a massive fear of gaining and then purge. Maybe you decided to eat a small low calorie healthy snack to satisfy your hunger or cravings and put you at ease thinking it's only 100-200 cals and you'll be fine if you eat just that since you restricted all day and would still be in a deficit. The nutrients taste so good and feel great that you say ok, if I have a little more I'll be even healthier and still be in a deficit. You keep doing that until you've reached a caloric total that you feel uncomfortable with and decide "fuck it" and eat everything in sight, and then purge. It seems anything you do ends up in a purge as if you can't eat a single thing or you'll binge, so you try to fast and not eat anything the next few days but you always binge because you're absolutely ravenous at some point and can't take it anymore or are so weak you convince yourself you need food (and you do!) but you overdo it and purge. There IS a possible solution. It works for me, it may not work for you but I sincerely hope you try it because b/p cycles that seem to never end are pure hell.

First, understand that you have to eat. I know you're scared because they trigger binges but just stick with me here. You can avoid binges on as little as 800 calories a day. You WILL lose weight on this much especially if you go for a walk everyday but still even if you sit around. I am 4'11 and 80 lbs and lose weight on 800 a day. It won't be extremely rapid weight loss but it is weight loss and you won't want to kill yourself over purging 7 days in a row. You can even have 1,200 calories if you wish but for some this is too high to avoid a binge or just too high to not trigger weight gain anxiety. Also understand that once you get out of your b/p cycles you can reduce your caloric intake slightly over time if you're feeling in control so just bare with the 800 cals for a little while.

The first thing you need to burn into your brain is that bingeing never brings what your brain and body is promising. It does not relieve stress or anxiety or help you cope with whatever problem and will not make you feel healthy and amazing if you always purge after. It does the opposite so remember that. Binging is not the answer. You may not plan to purge but once you get going and start eating just to eat you'll probably purge. You need to eat 3 small meals a day or 2 slightly bigger meals a day.

A lot of us don't have appetites in the morning and don't really feel the need to binge in the morning. Perhaps instead of eating you can enjoy some nice sweet creamy coffee (I put like 60 cals of mocha latte mix and 35 of coffee mate peppermint mocha creamer and 30 cals of almond milk but you can have it anyway you like). Have as many coffees as you want, however you like it. Make sure it totals to no more than 200 (we're saving these cals for hearty meals later so you don't night-binge). If you don't like coffee or only drink black, enjoy a nice healthy fruit smoothie. You can pack a lot of good stuff in there with 200 cals to work with and they're filling. Maybe put some vegan (or non-vegan) protein powder to get the calories up and increase how filling it is). You should feel ok for the morning. Have a couple nuts or crackers or some grapes or apple if you get hungry and feel a binge coming on. The smoothie or coffee can be replaced by 1 or 2 greek yogurts (usually 130 or so cals each) or those instant quaker oatmeal packets (130-160 cals each) but I find that solid food make me anxious if I have them in the morning. Do what works for you.

For lunch, eat a healthy 300 calorie meal. 300 cals goes a long way when it's healthy food. You want to eat healthy so you're body isn't craving nutrients at night. Some ideas: those pre packaged bistro bowl salads (I like the Caesar salad kind) always have the total calories right on the front label and they range from 230-300 or so. They're delicious and filling and they usually give you too much dressing so you might not even consume every calorie that it says is in it but feel free to enjoy it all if you like it that way. There's a huge variety of kinds, some more fruity than others and some more cheesy and meaty. Each ingredient is individually packaged so you can keep out the ones you don't like (helpful if you're vegan). Some more ideas: Plain oatmeal (150 cals in half a cup dry quaker) with fruit (fresh, frozen, even dry) and Activia (100 cals) or greek yogurt (roughly 150), Fruit and granola, Bananas and peanut butter, cheese and crackers, 1/2 cup mixed nuts, a smoothie, etc. Lots of choices just stay away from super salty calorie dense unhealthy foods. You want water dense nutrient dense foods.

Finally, DINNER. The one we all struggle with. Do not skip dinner. You'll binge or not be able to sleep. Let's eat a healthy hearty dinner with 300 more cals to work with. You might still be full from your healthy lunch! Or maybe you weren't very hungry at lunch and didn't meet 300 cals so you have a little more cals to work with. It's a good idea to have a hot meal to help you sleep. Soups are a godsend. I particularly love Amy's Organic Soups. Try to find it or something similar. There's many kinds and most are vegan. You can even have the whole can not just a "serving". The following calories are for PER ENTIRE CAN  not per serving. There are 2 servings per can which would be half the calories that I'm listing. Tomato bisque (220), Lentil Vegetable (320), Vegetable Barley (140), Chunky Vegetable (120), Thai Coconut (280), Split Pea (200), Tuscan Bean and Rice (320), Spanish Rice and Red Beans (280), Rustic Italian Vegetable (280), Alphabet (160), Summer Corn and Vegetable (300). If you check their website they also have some foods that are low calorie like the light and lean pasta and veggies (280) and Tofu Scramble Pocket Sandwich (180). I highly suggest you look at all their products  because a lot are 350 cals or less. You can create you're own healthy meal too. I like to make hot quinoa or couscous salad. You boil the grains and boil some vegetables (I love to toss wilted spinach in mine) mix them together and add some Italian dressing, lemon, and salt if you like. Make it how you prefer, it's very low calorie just make sure there's more veggies than grain. There is a lot of warm healthy clean meals you can make for 350 cals or less. If it fits in your budget, or even if it doesn't honestly, I highly recommend drinking some sort of nutritional shake with your meal like the 130 calorie ensure active bottles or a powdered mix protein shake (there are good vegan ones if you're vegan such as Phood or Sunwarrior, non-vegan I recommend Skinny Jane Strawberry). 1 scoop in all those brands individually tends to be around 100 cals. Even if it doesn't fit in your budget I REALLY hope you do this because it makes the meal 10x more filling and contains a lot of nutrients you need to feel happy and healthy and continue on your purge free life.

If you're still struggling here's some more tips.

1. Gatorade Low Calorie. 30 cals in 12 oz. This helps me resist bingeing so well and has electrolytes and keeps me hydrated.

2. Gummy multivitamins because delicious and assures me that I don't need to binge to be "healthy" and cram nutrients in my body when in the end I binge on crap food.

3. Drink a glass of milk or milk alternative like almond or rice milk if you're craving fatty foods. A handful of nuts helps too.  

4. Read about how to resist bingeing.

5. Keep yourself busy so you're only eating when you're hungry not when you're bored.

6. I do not recommend 30 calorie air popped popcorn because people and myself tend to eat the entire bag.

7. Country Farms Superfood Greens (Berry or Alkalizing Greens mix) is only 70 cals per scoop and has tons of nutrients and makes you feel great and energized.

8. Drinking an ensure or protein shake that's 100-150 cals when you want to binge is better than bingeing

9. KRATOM. Kratom is a ground plant available in several different strains and blends of multiple strains. You can buy it on Green Leaf Kratom and lots of other places. If you feel a binge, take 1 teaspoon at first and then another teaspoon if you feel no effect after 30 minutes. It can be taken on an empty or full stomach. You can buy it as a powder or capsules, I prefer the powder. It tastes like shit and is super bitter. Wash it down with coffee or strong tea to cancel out the bitterness. Try to get it down, it's really really bad but puts you off your binge urge pretty well. After it works, it suppresses your appetite about 75% and makes you feel very optimistic for 1-3 hours and by then your binge urges probably will have passed. It is completely legal and has no health risks and can be addicting but in my experience I have never had a craving for it and only use it as a last resort to avoid a binge. I've never heard of someone being addicted to Kratom. I do not condone appetite suppressants or drugs but this is a plant that can help you not binge and hurt yourself.

10. Drink some sleep aid tea or chamomile before bed to warm you up and not feel so deprived. You can even put some honey and milk in it. The 800 calories in not a set and stone thing it's just the number that works best for me.

Again I don't support starving yourself but if you try to keep down a 3,000 calorie binge you could become very constipated and be in a lot of pain so I feel it's best to ease into it and start off small. You can choose to either up your calorie intake or reduce it once you have your binge urges under control. Your body will trust you to supply it with food after a while.  I hope at least 1 person finds this helpful I just figured I would share my experience.

[cassieminus-blog]

8/27/2017

1. Yesterday I still created a caloric deficit, but I went over my calorie limit on MFP by 100-200 calories. That’s not insignificant (ie. I went 20 calories over so I could have another cup of coffee or I reallllly wanted some grapes so I went 50 cals over) but it’s also not enough to really slow me down (I still burned more than I consumed and still lost a teeny bit of weight today). But what I’m more concerned about than the calories is the way that I used food. I felt sick, tired and just out of it and wasn’t in the best mood and so I was gonna have like one piece of chocolate and just go over my calories a little, but then I ended up having two pieces. I know that sounds insignificant, but they were kinda calorie dense truffles and it was just food that my body didn’t need and I knew that I didn’t need it and I ate it anyways. And yeah, for a hot second I felt better, but then I just went back to feeling sick and tired and out of it and probably even more so than before. So like, using food to try and feel better isn’t good, and neither is turning my brain off for half a second to convince myself to eat. 

2. I’m having every craving I possibly could. Sometimes I’m super 100% excited about healthy eating and all the great new recipes I can try and all the yummy, reasonable options at restaurants and then other days, like today, I want to eat everything and get annoyed at how many calories are in certain foods. I think the cravings are at least partially because I’m adjusting to school and work and apartment life and I’m stressed but also weirdly bored and I know the feelings will pass and in a couple weeks living here will feel completely normal to me, but it’s also pretty annoying rn.

3. I’m prob overdoing it on artificial sweeteners. Between all the halo top, light coffee drinks and diet soda I’m drinking (I drink a LOT of diet soda) I’m probably consuming too much. I think I’m going to not buy any more diet soda except for when I need mixers/chasers and when I’m out to eat. I’ll definitely drink more coffee to compensate but I feel like a packet of Stevia is better than the stuff that’s in diet soda. Also, I adore halo top and similar low-cal ice creams but I literally eat a pint a day when I have it in the apartment. but it’s not convenient or practical to run out and grab a pint bc my apartment is like kind of a drive from places that sell it so like...I just need to practice more self control. I might go to a couple specialty grocery stores tomorrow and stock up and then force myself to only have one every couple days? but then I feel like, if I make the room in my calorie budget to have a fucking pint of ice cream every day, why should I not let myself do that? there are for sure worse vices in the world. Ugh. I don’t know how bad the sweetener really is for me and I also don’t know how many pints a week I’ll be able to afford :-) we’ll see. This is SUCH a 1st world problem. Also I almost bought a pack of 6 skinny syrups but held back, I’m going to try and find them at TJ Maxx or maybe I should just get fun creamers? I’m just trying to make bomb coffee at home. I got a milk frother today too so like fun lattes and shit can happen soon.

4. got a weight loss compliment from a dude I’m friends with but not close friends with and it felt really good!!! I didn’t see him daily last year like I saw all my friends so it felt nice that he noticed.

5. I worked out 5 times this week! My roommate and I have a goal to workout 60 times this semester and we’re off to a strong start. Getting into shape feels gooooood. between walking around on campus and working out at the rec I have high hopes for how many calories I’ll be burning in a typical week.

6. I’m going to make myself go to Walmart to grocery shop. And ALDI. that will help me save money especially bc I get a lot of organic/cage free/grass fed shit when it comes to produce, dairy and meat and bc I like my frozen Amy’s entrees and Halo Top. I’m also going to try to use coupons.

7. This is so rambly but it is really helping me organize my thoughts!!!!! Anyways, having my own kitchen (that I share with one person but still) is nice and we’ve been good influences on each other. not only with the gym but with cooking. We both make veggies and chicken a lot and idk I think we’re helping each other out. My roommate is counting calories but not accurately and like, I see how she eats and she’s definitely not doing what she should be if she wants to lose weight but it’s not my role to say anything. I think she may also be overestimating the role that working out plays but it’s just not my place to tell her that. If she wants advice I’ve got it but I’m not going to be overbearing or annoying with it. Just the fact that she’s trying to buy and cook healthy foods and go to the gym is a great start and hey, maybe I’m wrong. it’s just some of the things she says/does (she didn’t wanna make pasta slow-cooker meals bc of carbs but then said immediately afterward that she wanted to make rice and chicken ones. does she not get that rice and pasta are pretty much the same thing, just differently shaped?) that tell me she doesn’t have a clear idea on how to lose weight. and she wants to try whole 30 again which I just think is dumb. she isn’t going to go a full month without drinking, she isn’t going to go a full month without half the shit on that list...like I said the first time she attempted it (but not to her face) I’d much rather just half-ass whole 30 and do it forever (I called it half 365 cuz I’m a fuckin nerd). and so far I have, and it’s been good. But despite the fact that I dont think she’s totally on track for weight loss success, we do motivate each other and I think we are helping each other be healthy. and having my own space is nice. 

8. Packing food/being on campus all day is annoying. And today I committed myself to this mentoring thing where I’ll volunteer at an elementary school on Mondays so now my only free afternoon is Friday. Mondays I’ll be busy/on campus from 7:30 until 5:30, Tuesdays from 7:30 until 8:30, Wednesdays from 9:30 until 6:00, Thursdays from 7:30 until 5:30 and Fridays from 7:30 to 1 or 1:30. And it’ll be later when I go to the library/Starbucks/the gym after class, which will be super often. I have friends who will share their microwave access with me but that’ll be inconvenient a lot of the time and I’m just...not prepared for all the stale sandwiches and mushy salads I’m about to have to eat for lunch this semester.

9. I am stressed but it’ll all be ok!!! Just need to be prepared to work hard. If I play my cards right I will go home 3.5 months from now with great grades, another 15 pounds lost, money in the bank, shit to put on my resume and some great memories.

[auqre]

rrRRrrRRrrRRrrRRrr

Today I started to unravel. I think my interview went swell but I felt strongly negative about the entire thing because, as a receptionist job at a retinal doctor’s office, I would expect them to not only not hire me because I’m a dude, but also because the position would most likely be given to someone who would be much more inclined towards ophthalmology - like a student or something, hoping to get experience working for the doctors they will soon become as they work at school. 

Getting to work everyone complimented me on my bow-tie. I felt pretty good but like, too good. I became practically manic an hour or two later. Then it was full blown panic and depression because I was freaking the fuck out over the rent, even though I wasn’t being paid until tomorrow, and it wouldn’t (potentially) be due until 4 days from now, but still I wanted to make sure that I made it - so I stress the fuck out about it. I didn’t at all relax until I called State Farm and told them to suspend my account until I could pay it on Thursday of next week. Then I started to calm down because then I wouldn’t be starving for the rest of this week. Maria told me about her friend who tried to attempt suicide, and my shirt felt super uncomfy in the hot building. Also I had a disgusting sandwich at arbys.

Okay that’s enough bad things - time for the three good things for each :P

In the interview, I did a fantastic job telling her how much everything that I do at my current job can easily be transitioned into this one, and despite my doubts I need to understand that this was a great experience in figuring out what I do, how I feel, and how I think when it comes to “before the interview, after the arrival” kind of thoughts. I thought I was going to go in unprepared so I kept reading notes but the thing that I really had to do that helped the most was to calm myself the fuck down and not be terrified of where I was and fight my self-doubt about me not belonging there. I did belong there - I wanted this job and despite what I think those people in that lobby didn’t give a flying fuck who I was or what I was doing there. I wrote that app she handed me all the way out, and did my best to get that information in there, and it doesn’t matter if they don’t give me the job, I know that I can at least do this easily. I can impress others with aplomb, and I believe that I can convince others that I am more than capable of handling most situations. So what if I’m not a perfect fit for the position, I’m sure the other candidates are going to have a harder time speaking as well as I did during the interview - and they will remember me easily because of my bow-tie! So, when I call back, I’ll be remembered!

Also why should I doubt that they would want to talk to me again, the damn interviewer even fucking asked me if I would be interested in a second interview at a later time and what days would be good for me. The negativity is real! She was very receptive and smiled a lot at me, and we had a lot of casual discourse between the two of us - she seemed to enjoy my company not only professionally, but socially, which is a really good sign because obviously people are always looking for those they can get along with.

Why the heck do I feel “too good” at work? I wasn’t overdressed, and this outfit was handpicked by someone I love. I should feel proud and happy to let her know that everyone enjoyed my outfit very much. It was totally my imagination that the smiles I got for my dress were not in finding me clownish, but in finding me appealing. I received several compliments along the lines of “sharp” “nice” and “professional.” Taking them at face value, these are nice things compared to the whole lot of nothing I receive from everyone when I normally dress for work. I was annoyed with everyone asking about my interview, but in retrospect they are all interested in me doing something different. Something new and interesting being brought into their lives - someone dressing up for work, trying to better themselves, and of course the young ladies said they liked it as well <.< but don tell maria that. Besides, I personally felt attractive just by myself, and let out a lot of my stress today not only through music singing as well…so much so that I was hoarse when I got to work today. Woo rock music.

Superbrothers music by Jim Guthrie almost made me cry because I started to look at screenshots from the game and it made me feel really good inside to tear up at that amazing piece of artwork. I really would love to get Maria to play that sometime, possibly after we are finished with Psychonauts. It makes me really happy that she wants to play a game I enjoyed, though I know the rage is real lol. The music is mostly what makes Superbrothers incredible - it’s neither positive nor negative, it’s just there. But the part that made me tear up was when they started playing the music with those sprite things - it was a good kind of tear because that game makes you feel really good inside for some reason, it’s disarmingly-charming. Disarmcharm.

As for the rent, no one is dying of starvation. I postponed two bills that are coming up due, and I will be able to make them in on time with no penalties. State Farm told me that they are only allowed to permit this kind of suspension twice a year, so this is the first one, and I get one more and no more for the rest of the year - so I think I’ll be fine, unless I have to make major expenses again. Essentially everything will be fine, I’ll budget and things will be ok. If they start to not be I can always opt to turn off the internet and save an extra $28, because my 2GB Data, all the books I have to read, and the videogames on my computer/Wii/PSP will keep me well entertained. I couldn’t say the same for Ethan though - he loves his Netflix. As for the rent the positives are I am not in the red - I postponed two bills which were under no penalty and totally allowed to save myself $50 in the green - which means I can get groceries that will last me until the 4th of May…on top of this Tiffany told me she wouldn’t let me starve and would go with me, which prompted me to bring that up later as a thing I could do with her as a normal thing one day. I can learn how to better save money, make that a new skill. Also there’s no way in he’ll Gary is going to do my check first out of Allllllllllllll of the fucking tenants he has first thing in the morning at 9:05 am before Ethan and I get there. But he will be there early to begin, so what I can do in the meantime is get up at 9am (which is when Huntington opens) tomorrow, and tell them that I would like my account unlocked from the emergency overdraft thinger so that if, on Monday, Gary cashes the check and IF he cashes it before Ethan gives me the money, I will know the overdraft limit (I’m sure $200 is okay, but I’ll double check because the website says it has to do with your “account history,” and I was a FirstMerit person before I was a Huntington person, so they had better know how much I can overdraft and it better be $200 - I’ll just explain to them the situation) as long as I make sure that money is in there within a 24-hour period, which it will be, because Ethan had better get that fucking money to me before the bank closes. I know he will because he normally doesn’t work Mondays and I work at 12 so, he can get up with me. I just set my alarm to wake me up that early so I can get down there and ask, and I’ll be sure to ask for all the rules and such so I can now TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND JUST CHILL BECAUSE THE RENT IS GOING TO BE OOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH KAYYYYYYYYYYY because I just set all of the alarms and calendar notifications that the most autistic person would never forget - besides you won’t forget because you stress the fuck out way too fucking hard about this shit. To top it all off Ryan, it’s 4 days away - if shit goes wrong, parents and friends will bail you out because they know you are doing everything in your power to make sure it all works out. You’re going to be okay. You just need to worry about grocery shopping this weekend. Text Tiffany asking her to go with you this Friday after work maybe.

Maria’s friend doesn’t ruin her life, but you stressed out sure will. Chill, you being yourself is the cure for her and that it will make her feel better too :P The shirt isn’t the coolest and comfiest around but it sure will get you a job, make you look sexy, and works really well with 3 of your pants and your bow tie. And I think that one tie, but I’m not entirely sure. The silver one.

Finally, Arby’s sandwich was gross (pork belly, *vomit*) but your stomach stopped feeling massively in pain and alleviated that stress. Also you are going home now. To Maria apparently. Yay!

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