#so im like how long is this going to last? but maybe i shouldnt underestimate my own autism | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

radiantform · 3 years

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the hardest struggle for me right now is the hurdle of forgiving ppl when they have hurt me...i think maybe bec its so hard for me ...i keep finding myself in this position repeatedly where i encounter ppl who hurt me over and over until i can transform my pain into forgiveness, not taking it personal, not letting it change me etc. I think the hardest part is like how confusing it is...the layers of trauma from abuse making me feel like i need to protect myself and get away from hurtful ppl. I always want to run away, cut off a relationship. I think i tend to give way too much... somehow i unconsciously think if i give so much ppl wont hurt me but its not at all true but ive just been doing it so long that it feels like a deep groove.

my landlord who is also my friend and own/ lives on this land im farming on telling me i don’t care about ppl dying in india bec i have questions, concerns that inform my choice to not get the vaccine...and then never apologizing for losing it and projecting all these hateful things on to me...i see her everyday and she acts like nothing happened.... friends who don’t know anything about health telling me(someone who has a huge library on health books and has studied herbalism, Chinese and ayurvedic medicine and spiritual/physical healing modalities my whole life) that the styles of health i am into are just anti science quacks ...coworkers saying well its your choice not to get vaccinated while ppl who have can not wear a mask but i have to keep mine on ...so i worked the entire pandemic..was aware of everything going on the whole time, had to keep quiet and now everyone is willing to treat me like i am not a person suddenly. its so uncomfortable....but i have to keep showing up and being chill while other ppl know im vulnerable and will act in ways that exploit that by playing funny games like their in high school thinking no one can see what they’re doing but its obvious bec everyone knows everything all the time...we are intricately connected on psychic levels...just bec no one is calling u out doesnt mean theyre not aware...ppl totally underestimate our ability to feel the deep invisible currents

in so many ways right now i feel like i have to figure out how to not let other ppls aggression affect me ...not take it personal but also not hold onto it...not let it make me like them, transform it, be love, be the example....ugh. last night i cried myself to sleep thinking about work and how i just want to quit and i dont want to see my coworker who was hurtful but they are also supporting our csa and i go to their house every wednesday and give them so many amazing vegetables and flowers ..so like i cant really get out of this... i have to level up. everyone is so misguided and i have to forgive them and hope they heal......... buts its so f hard ...in all of these examples of ppl who hurt me, they’re more well off than i am...have more privileges' etc... have familys, own houses, have more money, more time, more everything honestly... like didnt work the whole pandemic, was on unemployment...not living in a tiny shed cabin working super hard all day trying to grow food and save seeds for our community and putting their truth and research out there in a time where its unpopular not cool etc but all of that is also so f irrelevant. my mind still think bec i have less than others and i give more i shouldnt be the one to change but really all signs are pointing to i have to fucking do this difficult thing or else i will just go insane probably and this is probably why im here... make it extremely difficult to do the right thing, have every reason not to forgive someone but if u do the right thing it will be courageous and empowering and a good example ahhhhhhh lol

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