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wheredoeslovegowhenitdies · 3 years

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New York City, New York August 28 2019

Andi

"Mom, it says here that the 'open house' starts at 2:00pm. If we don't go now we're gonna be late and all the good brochures are going to be taken," Vada Cornell furrows her brow at me with those blue eyes of hers, that remind me so much of her father.

"Vada, we won't be late, we have plenty of time. C'mon and lets get some lunch first, then we'll head over to the University and you can get all the good brochures that you want ok?" I say as she pushes her dark curls behind her ear and sighs. I smile at her as she rolls her eyes and I take her arm in mine leading her towards Camillos Café.

It's been 2 years since the day that my life - our lives - had changed forever. Most days are good, some days are alright, and there are some days where I can't bare the thought of getting out of bed. The only thing that has been keeping me going is my little peanut.

Well I guess I can't really call her my little peanut anymore. She is more beautiful than I ever thought she would be - inside and out - gorgeous dark curls well passed her shoulders, wearing ripped jeans and a Ramones tank top with classic Doc Marten's, you would almost mistaken her for me when I was her age, but definitely much taller than I expected. Obviously getting that from her father though. She is the light in my life amidst the complete darkness that clouded my world the day the love of my life left us.

When Vada had decided to apply for universities last fall, I had no idea that she wanted to go to school in New York. When she finally came to me and showed me that she was accepted at Julliard I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that she hid it from me for one thing, but I was so happy and excited and so proud of my baby for making it.

After much debate between each school that she applied to, she finally made the decision to go to Julliard, a small part of me - well really a big part of me - didn't want her to go. I wanted to hang on for just a while longer.

So, New York bound we were.

I sold the Seattle home, the beautiful gothic inspired home that Chris and I bought back in '91, buying a smaller house, and moving my managing company to a small office in the city.

I still remember the day he asked me to marry him inside that home that we hadn't even bought yet. Upstairs on the second floor looking out the bay window of what would be our bedroom, and the nervous and awkward way he asked me is something I will never forget as long as I live.

It was hard living in that house once he was gone. Everything reminded me of him. The walls, the hardwood floor, every single room had his scent just lingering. I swear I would walk down the hallway to Vada's old room and there were times where I thought he had just walked by me in the hallway just by the scent of him.

The only room that made me feel safe was the studio he had built in the basement down stairs. I couldn't stop listening to him. I played his voice over and over in that studio - demo tapes, songs with Vada and other early versions of songs. I even found a recording where I had come into the studio and he forgot to stop the tape and you can hear me asking him some silly question about what he wanted to eat and his sarcastic witty way of telling me that... well... I guess I could leave that to your imagination.

I became so obsessed with that room that I couldn't leave it. Vada found me in there most of the time just laying on the floor, a bottle of Jack Daniels beside me and a glass with the old Reel to Reel tape machine spinning because the tape had long run out but I couldn't get up to stop it. I just wanted more time, I wanted to hear him around me again. I thought that if I never left that room then he wouldn't really be gone and that maybe, just maybe he would walk through that door, like nothing had ever happened. Like he never...

But I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't blame myself anymore. It was killing me and to see Vada so worried about me, I didn't want her to see me struggle anymore. I knew I needed a change. I quit drinking, and decided to give all of the music, demos and recordings that Chris had been working on, along with older demos and unfinished tracks to Kim since I knew he would know what to do with them. I kept only just a few recordings for obvious sentimental reasons and for Vada. Just in case she ever wanted to play them one more time.

It's been a few months since we've been settled, Vada getting ready to move into her dorm in a couple of days, even though I'm refusing to let her take anything from her room, but I know she needs to.

I still keep in touch with everyone in Seattle. Eddie, Jeff, Matt... you know, the whole gang. It was hard to leave them too. They've been the only source of family since I moved to Seattle back in '88. Eddie and I text each other every day. Well we pretty much have a group conversation going on imessage with everyone, but again, we message each other everyday.

I miss everyone so much.

"Ok mom, booth or bar?" Vada says sweetly once we walk into the café. She scans the crowd and then turns back to me.

"Hey mom... you in there?" Vada asks with a confused look on her face.

"Sorry what?" I ask breaking myself out of my thoughts. "Ok, yea... um bar is fine, peanut," I add shaking my head and giving a small giggle. She smirks and gives a small giggle back, shaking her head with a small roll of her eyes.

Again, so much like Chris it's insane.

We make our way through the café, passing each booth as we walk by when suddenly I see a very unforgettable face sitting in a booth in which made my heart flutter just a little bit. He sets the menu down and glances up catching my gaze that I didn't realize I was giving. His eyes grow wide for a moment and then that old familiar grin spreads across his face.

"Andi? Andi... is that you?" He says with a smile, that familiar Brooklyn accent shining through.

"Mom? You comin'?" I hear Vada ask as she gestures to the bar stool beside her not realizing at first and then looking back and forth between us.

"Hey... Hi," I fumble for a moment as he stands up from the booth. He looks just as gorgeous as ever, wearing a black t-shirt and ripped jeans, his curls to his shoulders showing just a bit of grey and those dark eyes that you could still get lost in. He sweetly embraces me in a hug, holding me for a few moments as his cologne tickles my nostrils so perfectly, and I could feel Vada watching us with an inquisitive look on her face.

"How are you? Jeezus it's been... years," He says once we pull away from each other.

"I'm good...I'm good, how are you?" I ask looking up at him and I flip my curls out of my face.

"Good... I'm good too, can't complain I guess. I do that too much already," He chuckles and I giggle. There was a few moments of silence and Vada looks at me raising her eyebrow and subtly gesturing towards him.

"Oh, right... um, this is my daughter Vada...and Vada this is Kenny... Kenny Hickey," I say clearing my throat not knowing why my voice decided to leave me all of a sudden.

"Hi," She says slightly shy with a smile, extending her hand out and Kenny shakes it.

"Hey, nice to meet you," He says with a smile and that look that people always give when they meet Vada and see just how much she looks like Chris.

"Thanks, um you too," She smiles back at him.

"So we were just grabbing a bite, would you like to join us?" I ask after a few moments trying to make it less awkward but feeling like I'm failing miserably because, well it's me here and I'm the queen of awkwardness. Even at my age, I still haven't lost that part of me and probably never will.

"Uh..." Kenny starts glancing over at the booth he was just sitting at.

"Look, It seems like you two have a lot of catching up and though I would love to stay mom, I really need to head to the campus before it gets too late - " She says hopping down off the bar stool.

"Sweetie - " I start but she cuts me off.

"No mom, it's ok don't worry, I know my way. We've lived here long enough that I'm able to find my way ok?"

"Vada - ?"

"Shhh... nope, you're not gonna change my mind," She says.

"But you need to eat - " I start once again but she cuts me off again.

"I'll grab something on the way," She says looking at me, those blue eyes trying to convince me that she is alright and doing a damn good job of it.

"Ok, be careful alright?" I say and she slings her bag over her shoulder.

"Promise," She says sweetly and places a kiss on my temple, then gives Kenny a quick wave while he waves back and heads towards the door.

"Text me when you get to campus," I call after her and she waves me off looking down at her phone as she does so.

After I watch her walk out the door and on to the sidewalk, I turn back and see Kenny with that smirk that he used to give me all those years ago that I somehow never thought I would ever see again.

"Hi," I say shyly, not knowing what to say but feeling like I need to say something.

"Hi," He says with a smile. "Um, you want to join me instead?" He adds gesturing to the booth.

"Sure," I say and I slide into the booth while he slides across from me. We then grab the menus, order some coffee with the waitress and continue to catch up.

"So that was Vada?" He says after the waitress walks away.

"Yea... yea, that's my peanut - well I guess not so much anymore obviously but... yep," I sigh quickly glancing back at the entrance and then back at him and suddenly feeling like I'm 25 years old again.

"She really looks a lot like -"

"Chris?" I say not meaning to cut him off.

"I was going to say you," He says sweetly with his dark eyes looking into mine but I quickly look away. " - but yea... she looks a lot like Chris too," He adds. I smile shyly back at him and push my curls behind my ear.

"So um, how about you? What have you been doing these last oh... 15 years? Wow, that ages me," I say and he laughs.

"Well you don't look a day over 30," He smirks.

"That's cause I'm still 30," I whisper loudly and he laughs some more.

"Well I haven't been doing much really, just y'know same old thing. Had a band with Johnny for a while, toured a little bit, made an album... Then Peter died..." Kenny trails off for a moment looking away from me, his voice breaking and I could feel a lump in my throat forming, remembering the day I heard that Peter had passed. He takes a sip of his water and clears his throat then continues.

" - then, re-released the album in Europe, toured a little bit again... got fed up and quit everything, dragged my ass home... marriage fell apart, moved out, started writing again, started another band with Johnny and well... here I am," He shoots me a smile.

"Uh, huh..." I say and the waitress returns with our coffee.

"Too much?" He asks after the waitress leaves.

"No, no, I um, just..." I trail off trying to think of something to say but, honestly what is there to say after that?

"I'm sorry," I say after a few moments while he takes a sip of his coffee.

"It's ok... that's life right? I mean if it ain't Spinal Tap then it ain't my life," He says with a chuckle and I giggle. That sweet self deprecating humor he always had still gets me every time.

"But really it's ok, I mean... Bonnie and I were so on again, and off again, that like after so many years you can't do that anymore. And if you try an work it out and it just doesn't work then, why try to save something that wasn't meant to be saved y'know?"

"Yea," I sigh with a small smile and take a sip of my coffee. "I'm so, so sorry about Peter," I add with my voice cracking setting my cup down and looking into those dark eyes of his.

"Yea, me too... Fuckin' really miss that guy. But what can you do?" He says and I give him a half smile.

"So what about you? I think the last time I saw you was Dime's funeral," He asks clearing his throat again and taking another sip.

How do you catch someone up over 15 years of not speaking? Well, I guess I'll start easy, sort of. Who am I kidding though, nothing's ever easy, especially when it comes to my life.

"Yea... um, well let's see. I started my own managing company in 2002, managed Audioslave until they parted ways in 2007, took on other bands of course. Then when Soundgarden got back together I became their manager again, and that's pretty much it..." I explain.

I look down at my cup, twirling it between my fingers, not sure if I should bring Chris up at all, but I see Kenny giving me that look that he used to give me when he knew there was something more to say.

"You know, most days I'm fine. I'm good, and I have Vada... She keeps me laughing and I don't even think about it. Then... there's these other days and I swear it's like if the whole world could just fade away and I could just be left in my pain, where no one could touch me and I could just live there and never speak to a single soul ever again, I wouldn't even give a shit...because it wouldn't matter..." I trail off focusing on my coffee and the way the cream swirls inside of it and I feel a hand take mine from across the table. I quickly wipe away a tear and look up at Kenny, then awkwardly giggle trying to rid the intense feeling of grief that just suddenly overcame my entire being.

"Ugh, ok, well that's a place I wasn't expecting to go to," I giggle again.

"I'm so, so sorry Andi," Kenny says quietly still looking at me as he holds my hand and after a few moments, I pull my hand away from his, leaning back in the booth waving him off and trying to forget the feeling that suddenly came over me.

"It's ok. I just have to take it day by day right? I mean that's what living is all about. The constant cycle of happiness and pain and learning how to balance it all. Makes for great songs and stories to be written right?" I chuckle as I wipe my cheek.

"Yea," He says sweetly.

We talk more about everything that has happened since we last saw each other. I tell him all about Vada, how she is the light in everything that's dark, how she pretty much saved me from myself when it felt like I couldn't go on. I tell him how she got accepted to Julliard, majoring in music composition and production with a minor in business, and that she starts in just a few days. How her voice is exactly like Chris', powerful and emotional, like an old soul that could tell a story until the end of time.

He tells me about his daughter Megan who is now 22, his youngest Aliyah who is 14 and how they are just the world to him. He elaborates further about what made him decide to quit playing back in 2011 and how Peter's death really fucked him up which didn't make his marriage to Bonnie any easier. They divorced in 2013 and he eventually picked up his guitar again and wrote, getting out all those feelings of hurt and pain, much like I described.

He is the same. The way Kenny tells a story whether good or bad or just anything in between just captivates you. It's exactly what made me fall in love with him all those years ago. He has this charming way that makes you feel like you were right there with him and even if you were with him, he can make it feel like it was happening all over again - in a good way of course.

Before I knew it, a few hours had passed and I was startled by the ring of a text message on my phone.

"It's Vada, she's on her way back from campus," I say glancing down at my phone and begin to reply to her.

"Is she meeting you back here?" Kenny asks.

"No, but I should probably head out... pick her up and all that... see how everything went," I say messaging her back.

"Ok well, I can walk you to your car... if you want," He suggests and I glance up from my phone. I think about it for a moment and say "Ok, sure" smiling back sweetly.

He pulls out his wallet, refusing any cash from me and leaves some money on the table with a tip, then we walk out of the café and he walks with me to my car, us both conversing and joking like we used to - like no time had passed at all.

"Well, this is it," I say gesturing to the black Dodge Journey SUV and pressing the unlock button on my keychain. I hesitate for a moment and turn around leaning against the driver side door and look down at myself trying to find the words that I tried to say to him all those years ago.

"I um... always wanted to tell you how much I really did love you, back then - "

"Andi - " He starts but instead I cut him off.

"No, let me say it. I need to. I need you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to leave you the way I did. I need you to know that it wasn't about you - and I know people say that so much it's a cliché now but - it's true. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to give up just yet. And in the end... He ended up giving up on me anyways which seems fitting when you think about it - "

"Andi," He says low, his expression concerned yet serious.

"No, Kenny, it's ok... I know how it sounds but I'm learning to live with it and it's ok. I just want you to know that and... I'm sorry. I'm really truly sorry. You don't have to forgive me if you don't want to, that's not why I'm saying it. I just want you to know that I am, because you deserve to hear it,"

After those words left my lips, an incredible relief washed over my body. it was like this enormous weight had been lifted. I had held that in for over 20 years and it felt good to finally let it go. I found myself with my eyes closed for a moment and once I opened them again, Kenny was still in front of me with those dark eyes looking into mine and that same sweet smirk he used to give me whenever I was feeling like I had no one to turn to.

"Andi, I've forgiven you a long time ago. I hate to think that you were carrying that around all this time. It's ok really," He says with a small chuckle and I suddenly started to feel just a little embarrassed.

"Well, ok. I just... I mean I didn't mean to...um... fuck I have no idea what I'm trying to say now," I giggle covering my eyes then flipping my curls out of my face nervously and he laughs sweetly.

'C'mere," He laughs and pulls me into him, wrapping his arms around and embracing me. He holds me for a few more minutes and it feels like something I never knew I needed until it happened. I didn't want to let go.

Once again I was suddenly startled by my phone which made Kenny laugh, I gently pull away from him pull out my phone and read the message.

"I gotta go or Vada's gonna have a fit apparently," I joke.

"Yea, sounds like Megan half the time, well really more like all the time," He jokes back and we laugh realizing just how much we sound like parents - something we both never thought would happen. I give him a small smile and then turn to open the car door, slide myself inside while he closes it for me.

"Andi wait," He says as I lean in to start the ignition. I push my curls out of my face and look up at him. "Um... would you like to um, maybe get together sometime? Have diner with me or somethin'? I can... I can give you my number," he adds so nervously which was so incredibly adorable. I find myself with a smile slowly spreading across my face feeling like I never thought this day would happen. After all these years he still has that same charm.

"Sure, I'd um... I'd like that," I say, then reach for my phone and hand it to him. He adds his number and hands it back to me and I send a quick text to him to let him know it's me. He tells me to drive safe, then taps the driver side door and heads to his car. I then pull out of the parking spot out on to the street and make my way towards Vada.

******

"Mom, what the hell, you didn't have to pick me up, I could've just met you back at home" Vada says as she closes the passenger door, buckling her seatbelt and flipping her dark curls out of her face.

"I know but this is much better don't you think?" I say and I feel her look over at me with a curious look raising her eyebrow.

"Ok mom who's the guy?" She says.

"What guy?" I laugh nervously as look behind me before pulling away from the curb.

"The guy at Camillos, you know from earlier?" She says.

"Who Kenny?" I ask as we head down the street.

"Sure, yes mom, Kenny," She says grabbing her curls and piling them on top of her head to pull them through her hair tie.

"No one, just an old friend. I um, used to work for his band a long time ago," I say nonchalantly.

"Band? Oh no mom..."

"No peanut it's not what you think. I managed his band for a short time, during a tour cycle and well.. we became close friends -"

"Friends huh, mom?"

"Yes, friends. We just lost touch over the years and well... that was the first time I saw him in a long time," I try to explain, obviously leaving a lot of details out but she doesn't need to know specifics. Not right now anyways.

"I thought you always managed Daddy's band," She says glancing at the windshield then back to me.

"I did... this was um..." I trail off trying to find the words to explain. "This was before you were born baby. Daddy and I weren't together when I was managing Kenny's band," I quickly glance over at her and she looks at me for a moment with an inquisitive look then glances out the windshield.

"Oh," She says flatly and I look over at her. I then glance back out the windshield and as we come up to a stop light she asks "Did he ask you out?"

"Vada," I say.

"What mom? Sorry but just by the way you two were acting earlier,"

"What? What do you mean, 'how we were acting'?" I chuckle and accelerate through the intersection once the light turned green.

"Oh my god mom, you were totally flirting and he was definitely flirting with you," She says.

"What? No. No he wasn't"

"Um, yea he was. So did he ask you out?" She smiles at me. I glance at her, then back to the road, then back at her again.

"Yea, he asked me out," I say looking back out the windshield.

"Alright mom! You said yes right?" She says excitedly.

"Yea I did - Vada wait, so you're fine with it?" I ask.

"Hell yea mom, I'm fine with it. I'm more than fine with it, I'm over the moon for you mom," She says happily.

"So, you're not mad or sad or weirded out by it at all? 'Cause I can tell him I can't if you really don't want me to," I say glancing over at her.

"No mom, I'm happy for you. You deserve to go out with a guy, and have him take you somewhere nice and sweet. Dad would want you to. I want you to," She says.

I reach over and take her hand in mine, placing quick kisses to the back of her hand. She is the sweetest thing I've ever known in my life and I am so proud to be her mom.

"You just have to tell me every single detail after ok?" She says and I laugh.

"Oh kid, you have no idea,"

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