#searchingforlifeandlove
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I’m thoughtless and mostly insensitive. And when I look around at past/current relationships I am the reason for heartbreak and failure. It’s me, and only me… I need to become a more caring and giving man or I’ll end up alone and desperately seeking love again. Don’t take for granted the love in front of you and around you!
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It’s Christmas 2020. I just spent 2 hours at the gym and now waiting at Waffle House for lunch. My only family commitment today is family Christmas at my sisters. So far other than text I haven’t seen or talked to anyone. Despite the visual of a Christmas in solitude this had been a very peaceful and happy day. I’m thankful for this peace I’ve fought so hard to find.
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Make sure you realize one important fact. You may not find someone to marry and spend the rest of your life with, but if you do it won’t be anyone you currently know... it’s all new from here.
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Looking at my sons (13/16) I realize they have become the kids I wanted to be so badly when I was young. I’m so proud of their decisions and their set of friends and accomplishments. My job with them isn’t done although it feels like it. There is so much more life to be enjoyed...
Don’t stop fighting to be a better man each day. They need you.
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It’s your fault...
Take whatever blame is neeeded, move on, support and accept she’s going to be happier with someone else. Plan and dream for the next step where you can be happy as well. It’s broken and will never be fixed...
Walk away and go find love
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Desperation Prayer...
For years I sought answers in so many ways. In the most desperate of times I’ve always found myself turning forward to the serenity prayer. I find myself in so much pain, causing so much pain, and living a life that has to change and heal. I turned to this blog in a moment of desperation to help blog about my journey with Love and depression. In the long run this has become more of an exhibit of weakness, self doubt, and low self esteem rather and a tool to healing. Growing up this prayer was prominently displayed in my house and my grandparents. I now do the same - if nothing else it gives me the peace that I’m not alone, I’m not the only one struggling, I’m not the first and won’t be the last.
The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
What do I need today? What do I find myself asking
God, grant me peace and calmness in times of confusion and doubt.
God, grant me peace and understanding.
God, give me the strength to make the decisions to bring the most happiness to my family. It’s up to me.
God, help deliver me from the desperate need to be understood and appreciated. (This one brings tears to my eyes)
God, help me remove self doubt, regrets, and worry over past decisions.
*** sitting in a cafe in England thousands of miles away from the love I’m struggling with.
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I’m feeling extremely unstable with my emotions and focus in my professional and personal life. For the first time in forever, even the smallest deviation from the simple ‘norm’ of my life is causing my chest and mind to race… My relationship with L is increasingly depressing and full of disappointment and is affecting my mindset for the worse. This morning I’m fighting back the tears and I don’t know why all of a sudden I’m overflowing with emotions. We are at the point where we can’t decide if it's LOVE or HATE that we can’t seem to let go of...
The double standard in our lives is making a huge difference in my emotional state. She’s able to do things she refuses to accept of me.
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Reality of situations
The reality hits like a ton of bricks and more often than not I realize that I have an unstable outlook. I’m all to freely forgive at times and forget the reasons around a decision. Yet so many other times I’m unable to forgive and move on.
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Pretty...
It’s funny that I rarely saw how pretty L was until we broke up (5-6 total). I distinctly remember looking at her and thinking she was aging or getting less attractive over the last 9 months. It’s funny how your mind adjusts when you are arguing and miserable all the time. No doubt she’s beautiful and sexy, but it almost feels like a scene out of Shallow Hal. I saw her for how she made me feel, and no doubt she saw me and her self the way I made her feel. Toxic love destroying people that love each other.
I wanted to end that relationship so she could be with someone that made her happy. And likewise I hope I find the same person In my life. I don’t want to be loved from a distance ....
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Don’t forget this B ....
10/29/2018
Another letter to L....
I’m as sad as you are that we didn’t make it. But I’m done. This isn’t me being negative, it's me being realistic and logical. We are incompatible…
The days of talking about our above average chemistry, being soul mates, and being meant for each other have passed and we are getting worse by the day. We’ve been through a lot, we’ve fought with, and for, each other more than most people ever will. But we no longer have a love that builds us up. Day by day we are more toxic for each other and it's obvious to everyone but us. Day by day we are showing our kids how to live an unhealthy life. If the kids ended up in a relationship like ours I’d be disappointed and saddened that we were the role models they had to look up to. We’ve tried to be happy but I can’t look back over the last several months and point to a single day where we were happy for the entire day. I’ll take the blame, I’ll tell people I fell out of love, but I can’t continue. A and R deserves to see a healthy love… S and L deserve to have their Daddy back to the man they know I am.
The physical reaction and pain I’m experiencing daily is getting worse. I can tell that my body is trying to tell me to run, to stop what I’m doing and save myself. I’m not the person I need to be today, and as long as we keep trying this I won’t be.
When was the last time we had an adult date night and didn’t end up in an argument or some kind of jealous rage? When was the last time we had a date night that ended in sex or any type of affection? When was the last time we went out for drinks and were able to just relax and be a couple. I have no desire or will to attempt any more date nights.
I have no more desire to hang with your friends and watch you fake happiness with me. I spend half my time hearing about your life events for the first time. These are signs that we just don’t fit anymore.
When was the last time I looked to you for love, respect, support, comfort and understanding and actually got it? I no longer have the desire to force a relationship where there isn’t one.
When was the last time we laughed together?
When was the last time we had a decent conversation?
When was the last time I was able to talk about my day without fear of an argument?
When was the last time I was able to talk freely about my life with you?
We decided to move in together during a period of time when we had not been getting along, we hadn’t been happy as a couple or as group of six. However, we took a gamble and jumped in 100% and wanted to make it happen. My kids begged me with tears in their eyes not to let you move in. Told me time and time again “She isn’t nice to us, and she doesn’t love us..”. We had just spent a week in Louisville then a week at the beach which were very painful and full of bad memories because we just don’t mix well. But I chose YOU and the desire to make it happen. That's a hard position to put ourselves in, but I asked you to help mend relationships and make this work. You ignored my pleas. Meanwhile, I’m doing all I can to make your children happy. I know, I know “But my kids are easy to love, yours aren’t”.
I didn’t tell my family we were moving for fear of the pushback and the inevitable sanity checks that history always repeats itself. I didn’t tell them and they didn’t share any opinions. I was determined to show them that Lenley was right about building a family. I talked to Angie on the first day of school and asked for her understanding and to give us a chance. Let me prove to the world that things would get better. Less than a few hours later you start an argument to assert your superior parenting position over her suggesting that Landon likes a snack after school. Day #1 you are making it harder than it has to be. Day #1, just hours into the school year, I can no longer expect you to work nicely with the ex-wife as we try to blend our lives. Fast forward 2+ months and it's just gotten worse. I refuse to put my kids in a position where the woman dad is in a relationship refuses to do what’s best for the greater good. I refuse to ignore their well being any further. I refuse to sit back and listen to you call their mom a Skank or tell me over and over that I don’t need to talk to any of them. I refuse to alter the idea of family that I’ve been so pivotal in developing over the last 8 years.
Please know that I don’t talk about you or us, or anything to my family. I don’t talk about you or us to Angie or her family. Other than the details I’ve shared during our breakups that is little they know about us. They have come to their own conclusions based on actions, body language, my kids words, and things they overhear. I am in the awful place where I can no longer defend anything. I can’t say “but I think it will work out” or “you don’t understand, we love each other” or “trust me” since I no longer have any hope.
I am regretful that I pushed both my children to go to Knoxville despite having no faith that it would turn out well. I am regretful that I didn’t leave the moment you hit on Landon.
I shared with you what is important to me and what I need from you and you ignored me, you charted your own course. We have had more weekends with you threatening to move out than we have had weekends where we were happy. You have disappeared multiple nights without any concern that I’m at home alone with your kids regretting my decision to move you in. You chose to set a double standard in our life that I’m unwilling to accept peacefully anymore. My kids have pointed out to me that all we do is argue, and when we aren’t arguing you are telling me about the type of car you want. I laughed the first time I heard this because I’d been thinking it myself :)
I’ve had so much fun with A and you at volleyball games this year. It's been wonderful sharing this with you guys. When you look back on the last 6 months, it's actually been the only fun times we’ve shared without any stress or arguments. I have loved being there for A. However, this isn’t enough to use as a reason to stay together when so much else is wrong.
I can’t think of a single baseball game or football game this year where we enjoyed ourselves, where we could share the event with the openness and love that we shared volleyball. Time and time again you insist on making the kids choose Mom or Dad, there is no sense to family in your heart. You insist on making sure there is hell to pay if I talk to A or her family. The night you left the ball park because I asked E to sit with us I should have told you to go away and never come back. Take note of this. Not once this year have I enjoyed having you at a ballpark with me to share the boys love of sports. There has always been some form of issue where you want to argue about A and give me some bullshit about betrayal, or complain about something that I consider to be trivial.
How many times have I tried to hug, kiss, or cuddle you over the last several months only to be rejected? We hit a point where I didn’t even know how to approach you for the simplest of affection, let alone for anything sexual. There is no chemistry, passion, or desire.
Little by little I’ve lost the desire to work on this relationship. Nothing is easy. Nothing is rewarding. There is no happiness. There is no laughter. We are the only ones that won’t accept this as a dead end and move on. I will accept the blame. I will tell the world that I am the reason that we couldn't find happiness, and I promise to keep details of our life secret.
Random thoughts:
Going through your significant others phone for a sign or evidence of something isn’t healthy
Analyzing social media patterns for something to indicate a misbehavior isn’t healthy.
Not respecting professional relationships as a fact of life and critical to success in your significant others career isn’t healthy.
Not respecting and supporting the continuation of lifelong friendships isn’t healthy, especially when I have very few close friends to begin with.
#searchingforlifeandlove#small town breakup#letgo#loveyourself#whereisstricky#learn to be alone#alone but not lonely
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Blended families and Ex Co-parenting
This sums up what I believe to be the ultimate downfall of this relationship. Am I the problem, is my attempt to co-parent actively with a woman that wrecked my home really a bad thing? Why can’t it be possible to not make every interaction with the ex (no matter how stupid she is) painless and easy.
Why must someone that Loves me hate this relationship so much and am I wrong in asking her to give in and accept this arrangement.
During and after every kids event, every text or call, every drop off there is some sort of argument about how horrible I am for being nice. Smart comments about not wanting to act like a “happy little family”. I get that, not asking her to be buddy-buddy, but accept the co-parenting arragment to make life happier and easier for all of us is a good idea - trust me.
“If you keep up with this constant pressure about my ex it will end this relationship...”. I stick by these words this morning although it seemed to end the relationship.
One month of living together and mostly felt like a happy home. The only true problem is jealousy, communication, and anger about the Ex and co-parenting. And as I type this I realize these are 3 extremely MAJOR issues
Men patient and don’t give up on Love. Soon enough the boys will be out of the house with lives of their own and thus chance to parent will be gone. I have very few valuable years left ...
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When that inner voice kicks in and screams “stop talking, nobody understands you”. Although you know she does see the depth of your struggle and can pick up on the subtle changes in my body language. Deep down I know that I just need to keep my thoughts to myself and move ahead doing what I know needs to be done for the short term. Keep it simple and keep it safe.
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Sexual monogamy.... that seems to be the topic in my life recently. The reality is that is probably what I need, but is that what I want or what is the best long term option? Would I seriously rather risk being alone without the stress of monogamy or in a relationship where my darkness must subside? Is the key to exploring the sexual darkness I desire so bad a monogamous relationship?
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When I say all of the things I’m thinking or feeling without any restraint or concern for what the person listening thinks of me I feel liberated and free but also slightly concerned in some cases because the content can be so aggressive or polarizing
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I really am a super sensitive man that struggles with emotional intelligence and self-esteem despite what appears to be a very aggressive and confident personality. It’s been a constant struggle that I’ve been unable to handle with an Rx to help ease my mind and my actions.
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I’ve listened to the videos where people are asked “Are you happy?” and I’m always happy to hear their response regardless of their state of mind. I’m always asking myself the same question for the most part, but it’s more of “What is Happiness?” for me.
Is happiness nothing more than the lack of sadness?
Is peace nothing more than the lack of controversy?
Is success nothing more than the limitation of your failures?
What is Love? And why do we spend our love looking for it?
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