#risky game a3

[winterswhite]

A3! Play-Off: Tiebreaker Poll

#a3! #a3 #a3! play off #tiebreaker poll #first crush baseball #hatsukoi koshien #love out of left field #shinobi misadventuring #shi★no★bi misadventuring #risky game #trump the phantom thief

[izumi-fanclub]

A3! Translation: Chikage Utsuki SSR Card “Dear My Moon” [ Twinkle Sign ]

Work pilled up for Chikage while he was busy for the 10th play. How will he handle this?

Part 1

Chikage

…

*Phone buzzes*

Chikage

… Understood. Will keep monitoring.

…

*Phone notification*

Chikage

Tsk, this again… pushing everything on me.

(I’ve been putting both of my jobs on the backlog to focus on the show… it takes time to handle work when it piles up this much.)

(I wonder, is there a way to clear this all up——)

(Hands move faster when you’re actively thinking about it.)

Hisoka

… Welcome back.

Chikage

I’m home. You still on your shift?

Hisoka

We ran out of seasonings at the bar, so I came to the dorm to borrow some.

Chikage

You’re taking your job more seriously than I expected.

Hisoka

… Work got you busy?

Chikage

We don’t have enough manpower. It’s unreasonable but I can’t just disregard it.

Hisoka

… At least do it in the dorm, instead of that room. Everyone else gets worried when you’re not around.

Chikage

Absolutely not. That’s too risky.

Hisoka

… Guess even Chikage can’t do it.

Chikage It’s not a matter of whether it were me or not.

Well, I’ll get this over with as soon as I can.

Part 2

Sakuya

Ah! Almost there! Tsuzuru

I lost again!!

Chikage

(It’s quite lively at this hour…)

Citron

Once more!

Izumi

Oh, welcome home!

Chikage

I’m home. What’s going on?

Masumi

A board game we got from a package from Zahra.

Tsuzuru

We were all playing it while waiting for you to come home.

Sakuya

It’s really fun! How about you join us, Chikage-san?

Chikage

At this hour?

Sakuya

Huh!? What time is it?

Tsuzuru

I didn’t even notice the time.

Itaru

Well, let’s draw the line at this hour.

Chikage

You should. I’ve had some troubles at work, I’m just getting caught up on my backlog now.

Itaru

…

Chikage

What?

Itaru

You’re probably tired.

Chikage

No——.

Izumi

You’ve been coming home late recently.

Tsuzuru

You’ve been busy before, but not to this extent.

Sakuya

Let’s just play the board game on our next off days.

Citron

If we do not sweep soon, Azami will be on our trails!

Masumi

Sleep.

Tsuzuru

Good night.

Chikage

Night.

Sakuya

Night guys!

Chikage

…

Did I look that tired?

Itaru

Nope, if I didn’t say that, everyone would just stay up playing board games.

Chikage

Alright then.

(But I think you just added an extra layer of worry.)

(... Guess I really got no other choice.)

Sakuya

Huh!? Chikage-san isn’t going back to the dormitory for a while?

Izumi

He’s got a lot of work to do. It’s more easy and efficient to binge work while isolated for a couple of days.

Sakuya

So that’s why…

Itaru

He tried to lie at first, saying he was going on a business trip. But I’d find out about it anyway so he told the truth.

It’s unusual for senpai to have this much work to do. He’s at the top of his game at the company.

Tsuzuru

That’s quite something if it’s coming from you, Itaru-san.

Sakuya

Should we bring him some refreshments?

Masumi

If he wants to concentrate by himself, don’t get in the way.

Hisoka

… Hey.

Izumi

?

Part 3

Chikage

(That’ll be it for today. Now let’s get on with my other work——.)

Itaru

Nice work.

Chikage

… You too.

Itaru

You heading to the conference room?

Chikage

I am… but what are you grinning about? Itaru

You’re seeing things. Have a good one, see you.

Chikage

… I’ll be going.

Hisoka

… Quicker than I thought.

Chikage

You, what are you——.

What’s this?

(Stars and the moon… is this a planetarium?)

Hisoka

… I told everyone in Spring troupe that your room looked bleaked and lonely.

Chikage

So all this is…

Hisoka

… Then I’ll be going. The rest is up to you.

Chikage

Honestly…

?

(A note?)

Izumi

“Good luck with your work!”

Sakuya

“Let’s play the board game when you get home!”

Tsuzuru

“My brothers got tired of this pretty quickly, I hope this will soothe you.”

Masumi

“Careful not to put your backbone too into. You’ll end up like Tsuzuru, that’s just a pain.”

Citron

“We await your return back home!”

Chikage

… I'm guessing this is a drawing of Earth?

Itaru

“Wanted: photo of senpai working in his fancy room.”

Chikage

There’s no one to take that picture.

Sigh…

(I should rest for a while before work)

Chikage

…

(To think that this room would look like this one day.)

(Quite the drastic change compared to when it was cluttered with bags of marshmallows and cushions.)

(I’ve had my fair share of unfair workload in my life, but I’ve never wanted to get it over with this fast before.)

(I just clear it all up like a robot without thinking much about it.)

(Why am I so desperate now? … I think I can answer that.)

(Because I want to return to my home as soon as possible.)

… I see.

(I thought I’d prefer to be alone since it’ll be less of a hassle, and I’m more comfortable with less stuff.)

(But now, I wanted to return to the everyday hustle and bustle of MANKAI, filled to the brim with things, like this room filled with all sorts of lights.)

…Can’t help but laugh at myself.

*Text notification*

Hisoka

[ Forgot to ask for marshmallows as a reward. Come back soon. ]

Chikage You don’t need to tell me. I’ll return home soon enough.

Story Clear!

#got me in my feelings ngl #a3! translation #a3 translation #a3 card translation #chikage utsuki #sakuya sakuma #masumi usui #tsuzuru minagi #citron #itaru chigasaki #hisoka mikage

[9gut]

you guys dont get it risky game is literally the best a3 play ever made. tch

[timeskip]

📋 winter troupe plays?

I'm not sure if you mean the plays themselves or the associated events, but I'll be answering this JUST about the plays, not taking into account the events at all

S - NOCTURNALITY. GAY PEOPLE GAY VAMPIRES THE TENSION IS AMAZING. I think about the Mankai Stage version every day of my life tbh

A - Phantom of the Opera, Risky Game. I think these are soooo much fun I enjoy them immensely. I admit part of the Phantom being here is because the theater actually did get set on fire. And yes, I have watched the Real Phantom of the Opera, and I do know that A3's version is completely different. But it's also gayer, so who cares <3

B - Sympathy for the Angel, Dance with Butterfly. I love them!!! They make me feel things!!! I feel like Sympathy was too short (curse of being the first of these plays) and very heterosexual, and Dance with Butterfly was lots of fun but I'm not as intensely invested as the other two.

C - Die by the Sword, Hotel Compass... I'm sorry I enjoyed them but I was. kind of bored at the same time. Sowwy.

D - The Master Likes a Mystery has a great aesthetic but the story is BAD I should have LOVED THIS but noooooOOOOOOO Homare's character who's supposed to be the LEAD isn't even IMPORTANT enough he's just going around following Shiki. And not to mention the murder itself is stupid. The stageplay brings this up to a B because it slaps so hard but unfortunately they couldn't salvage it completely. I wish it was better. Homare deserves better.

#a3!

[icharchivist]

Not to be that person, but I think for all its faults, Gbf still has more body diversity than other Gacha games

One of the reasons I couldn't really get into Genshin Impact for is that they have a total of three body types and one of those looks like small children, which I'm not interested in

All the dudes are total twinks and all the women either come in small tits or big. It's annoying to me, which is why I'm not playing. No judgement on people who do enjoy the game

So imo Gbf is at least passing this bar, even though it is on the floor

And yes, they should do more in terms of muscular women, but at least we get buff men and not twinks exclusively. Or, thinking back to the four dragon knights with their different body types

Until then, Fediel will always have abs in my mind

oh no i agree don't worry about that

it's like, both "Granblue still falls under the trap of not trying more "risky" bodytypes" and "still, Granblue actually makes a lot of effort and care which is appreciated" are things that can coexist.

The comparaisons are with BG3 rn bc the anons brought it up but tbf those are such drastically different games in term of production and medium that it just highlights the general issues with any medium. i think BG3 could more likely be compared to other games of similar genres with what it tries, and doesn't try.

But Granblue should be compared to other gacha on that level and, on that level, Granblue actually probably puts the most efforts i've seen in a gacha game in term of diversity.

it just sucks because it still isn't nearly enough and it still falls into the common trap of some beauty conventions.

But it's still more efforts than a lot of others games.

Genshin's stuff is kind of in its own area for me bc it's stilla 3D game and 3D game requires new models for new bodytypes. Like i said in the previous ask, i still think it should be an effort to be made -- but it's also clearly at a disadvantage compared to games like say, Granblue, Arknights, a3, or stuff like that, who are fully 2D and therefore don't have to rely on any restrictions.

Granblue has a huge cast, and a lot of diverse bodytype. conventionally attractive bodytypes, but still more diversity than not.

in Granblue there's already the different races that already have some bodytype associated to them, which is especially visible with the men, so the bodytypes end up diversified just on this basis. Then, most of the time, at least for men, there is an effort to have the bodytype/the muscles placement to make sense with the era of expertise of those characters. Nehan barely has any flesh on his bones due to decades of abuse. Lancelot's body is slender and not too muscular because everything about him is about being nimble on his feet. Vane is a powerhouse because he's a tank. So on and so forth.

when it comes to women (who aren't Harvins at least), muscles aren't taken into account at all, which is peeving. There's diversities on different level, boob sizes, waist, thighs, all that jazz. It's eyeroll worthy that the diversity for women in Granblue is still fully based on conventionally aesthetic ideals. But at the end of the day it still means you can have many women with different bodytypes. Not *extremely* diverse one, but more than some gacha which have a same body size fit them all.

but there is other levels of diversity in appearance Granblue has an advantage on. while it's not the majority, there are dark skinned characters, from darker shades than some gacha would even dare to explore. There's the trans characters. There's different level of reading to it all.

it could be so much better, of course. Granblue's shortcomings are shared everywhere in the video games industry because of basically beauty ideals.

At the end of the day a Gacha especially is relying on people being willing to spend money for one single character. It makes them more scared to experiment with different type of characters because each character has to be bringing money in some way. It's different than a big AAA game that you buy once, and that shouldn't have to convince you to spend money at every character it introduces.

So the fact Granblue does take some risks is appreciated. It makes it one of the gacha that does try the most.

but it's still trying into a comfortable zone that still doesn't acknowledge """"""less desirable""""" features. Which sucks because it's not even true, and the less they're willing to take risk the less they'll be able to see that.

#ichareply #ichafantalks gbf #anonymous

[maackiadoesart]

Stake your life, just make a killing!

click for better quality!

#i just think.... risky game hisoka #beloved.... #mikage hisoka #hisoka a3 #risky game a3 #a3! #act! addict! actors!

[fairytale-boy]

These are kinda old..

Risky game icons! Can use if you just credit!

#a3! #a3! act! addict! actors! #a3 #a3! game #act addict actors #act! addict! actors! #hisoka mikage #risky game #risky game a3 #takato tasuku #tasuku takato #mikage hisoka #homare arisugawa #arisugasa homare #fuyugumi #liam a3 #ledley a3 #guy lastname #guy a3 #guy #oliver a3 #azuma yukishiro #yukishiro azuma

[lordartsy]

A3! 5 year anniversary countdown: Day 19

01/22 — it's his day, baby!! Happy birthday to Azuma Yukishiro!

Azuma single-handedly turns this game from a PG to an M, you say? Well, if M stands for "masking all the sadness with a whole lotta sex jokes," then you'd be right! Watching this dude's trauma lay itself out throughout the story was heartbreaking as hell to see. From being scared of getting attached to others in act 4, to coming to terms with his trauma in Nocturnality, to having a whole breakdown moment five chapters into act 8, and then the epilogue after Risky Game?? I love this man but he gotta chill sometimes, for real.

#chad voice actor as well #a3! #act! addict! actors! #azuma yukishiro #the whole of risky game honestly.... hate it </3 #also im glad they gave him a little somethin extra to do in spring 2019 and autumn 2020 #and ehehe him stealing sakyo's glasses never gets old #IT IS SIX AM I HOPE THERE ARE NO ERRORS IN MY WRITING WHEN I WAKE UP TOMORROW (LATER)

[cherryblossomssmash]

A3: RISKY GAMES 🎲

#a3! act! addict! actors! #a3! mankai company #a3! winter troupe #winter troupe 6th show #risky games #backgrounds #art #design #mobile game #story #casino

[nazumii]

i don’t think i ever posted this here before

idk i like risky game

#a3! #a3game #a3 fanart #mikage hisoka #yukishiro azuma #arisugawa homare #tsukioka tsumugi #guy a3 #takato tasuku #a3 risky game #risky game #fuyugumi

[a-wild-inky-boi]

Ok I've been blasting unmask for ages and I thought "what if Natsugumi did Phantom?"

So I drew it

I'm gonna say the phantom is Tenma

I know I said natsugumi but only ended up drawing Yuki and Tenma (kinda) so I'm gonna cast them

Budget Phantom: Tenma

Christine: Yuki

Raoul: Kumon

Carl: Muku

Phil: Kazunari

Richard: Misumi

Idk why I chose like that I just cast based on vibes (also because I want to see Muku and Sumi being bad guys)

Also half asleep Hisoka would definitely think Tenma the budget Phantom looks like a giant marshmallow and try to eat him

#i love suddenly dropping the quality #the first page is actually pretty good but the second is so dumb #expect to see something Risky Game themed soon because i have discovered Plastic Poker and it's currently being played on repeat #a3! #yuki rurikawa #tenma sumeragi #natsugumi

[winterswhite]

A3! Play-Off: Round 1 - Battle 12

Stranger vs Risky Game

Find the bracket here

#a3! play-off #round 1 #a3! #a3 #stranger #the stranger #risky game

[chigasakism]

looking at the event lineup is gonna make me cry, we have apartment up next, then after that I can save for re:feb magic (chikage event), but then there’s samurai (sakyo + itaru stitch) soon after and then IMMEDIATELY risky game (hisoka event) then RIGHT after that is the bridegroom one (chikage + taichi) and that’s not even mentioning how I want at least ONE copy of itaru and chikage’s playback SRs

#admittedly i can choose to not go ham for risky game because i already have a dr hisoka #though meta wise I DO need co sakyo and ac itaru #i have an unbloomed copy of kniroun ac chikage buT HES PRETTY WAAH #though co taichi good. i want him so bad #if i really can't then i won't pull for chikage but <//3 #and i want the playback cards for the stories so bad #meta talk #a3! spoilers #mankai apartment #re: feb magic #samurai cinema romance #risky game #bridegroom battle royale #a3! event

[miru-n]

i love this new feature, i can just skip matinee and soiree after doing it once hshs

#a3 jp #a3! #decided to do Risky Game revival

[crownconstellation]

maximum tsuzuru. maximum tsuzuru

#bri.txt #bri plays games #i am never tiering again #i say as i make plans to tier for shinobi kazunari #and floral prince muku #and risky game hisoka. and graduation masumi. and black rabbit misumi. and harugaoka citron. and #anyways if anyone playing a3! en saw ‘help’ in the top 0.5% that was me lol

[icharchivist]

Thank you for answering the previous asks and hope you're prepared!

How much, out of ten, are you of each winter troupe member?

Have a good day :3c

ahah thank you for doing that all the way!

and oh boy i thought i was prepared but turns out-

okay notewise.:

Tsumugi: 7/10, Tasuku: 3/10, Homare: 4/10 Hisoka: 9.5/10, Azuma: 10/10, Guy: 6/10

(if you're supprised Azuma is actually my ultimate kin and it's not Hisoka: congratz i fooled all of u. the only reason i don't have an Azuma icon is that i genuinely think he looks too sexy in some arts and it doesn't feel Me despite everything else. The more u know.)

And. i need to warn that i went much more into personal details for Hisoka and Azuma under the cut to the point where it may be overwhelming. And that Azuma's entry alone is 2.1k words long. What the fuck me.

Relating to team "we have so much trauma" is going to be so much fun.

coughs, anyway take care :3c

(Links: Spring, Summer, Autumn , Winter ranking)

Winter my beloved, this is going to be a normal, non emotional ranking at all.

Tsumugi: 7/10 I relate to his lack of confidence, and the way he gave up on everything he loved when his spirit was crushed (re what I was talking about with my Kumon rant). On my down time I did study a bit of psychology and though I wouldn’t put myself at the same level as a psy student I’m often told I read people mostly in an accurate way so I can relate to that. I can use my powers for Evil like nudging people in some direction or knowing where to attack, but I am super aware of that and I’ve been extra conscious about not having it happen again for over ten years now DLKFJDLF (Azuma is kinda like that too). But yeah the fact he is like that too makes it relatable.

I also think that the whole “feeling you fucked up and took all the responsibility when a friendship broke apart” is also something very relatable. So is “ghosting your friends after that”. I relate to the fact he’s a nerd too. I relate to him more than not but I guess I just removed points because of how while I relate to specificities the whole thing doesn’t connect as much as it could?

Tasuku: 3/10 he’s probably the one I relate the least to. I honestly didn’t understand Tasuku much until Nocturnality on my first read, and it’s only then that things clicked. Legit I saw him the way Azuma saw him dLKFJDKFJDF. But I do feel it relatable that he feels responsible for failing his friend and that he took it upon himself to try to read more into how people are behaving to try to prevent it from happening again. But else he’s. genuinely not like me KDJFKLDFJDFL

Homare: 4/10 mhmm. I think I relate to the way he is passionate and how much he genuinely loves. I also relate to the fact he is pretty analytic, though the details of what makes his struggles are not something I relate to easily. I have felt broken before, I was told i was broken or unfit in some ways, so this particular pain is something I completely understand. I also did use to be an artist and a writer so I can relate to that passion of his, although as I mentioned in others ranking *shrugs*. That said he’s very much more exuberant and confident than I am and I would assume I know how to deal with people emotionally a bit more.

Hisoka: 9.5/10 oh boy where to start. This is going to be a tough one to get into without getting extremely personal. To start with, I’m a sleepy baby. I sleep a lot DLKJFDF though not much at night. I used to fall asleep in class all the time my friends had to always be on the watch out for me. I don’t have much energies. I love plushy and I love being comfortable in some places. I also really love sweets tho not as much as him. I also do care ways too much for my specific plushies and pillows (I do have huge penguins plushies too).

I, too, have memories issues, though of course to a lesser extend. I have a lot of trauma and for a lot of them I ended up getting fuzzy memories. I used to be in a pretty toxic environment where I constantly had to make use of my memory to survive, and so when my memory started failing me, I was terrified. My parents gaslight me all the time and pretends a lot of things that happened didn’t happen and that I’m crazy for believing it happened, so the moment my memory started to fail me I started to panic a lot. It terrified me to not being completely sure whenever I could trust myself or not. It made me feel extremely unreliable. It’s still something I struggle with a lot.

This would have been my answer pre-awakening moon at least. I always related to him to some degree so Awakening moon was a slap in the face in a way I wasn’t ready to deal with, and this is where I have to be uncomfortably personal.

I am the youngest sibling of 3. My eldest sister ran away from home when I was 6, never to be seen again. My other sister resented me because I used to be very close to the eldest and she was jealous about it, and while the reasons were linked to our parents, who were extremely toxic to us and kept us into this toxic environment for years on end, my sister took all her anger out on me. While we’ve discussed it as adults now, our relationships is too strained to fix it nowadays.

It took me a long while – it took me Azuma’s arc actually – to realize that the way I feel for my eldest sister is more akin to grief than to abandon. I don’t even remember her. I don’t remember her and still apparently the way I was close to her was the reason my sibling hold it against me. I couldn’t even remember *why* my sister was mad at me because I don’t even remember being close to my sister that much. All I know is that she left because the situation at home was too toxic. It was.. so messy.

I have. Much more trauma linked to that specifically but that’s the root of something that hit me in the face with Hisoka’s arc. Because I can’t remember a person that disappeared from my life, and yet it was enough for it to break and shape everything I’ve lived through since. I couldn’t even start to talk about how it still impacts me now 20 years later. I’m just now making peace with the fact this was grief. This is the gist of the reason Hisoka’s arc hit me as hard as it did (and the fact that Chikage is actively undoing all the bad things his own grief pushed him to do on Hisoka is the reason Chikage is so compelling to me. My sister could never lol.).

I felt also that I had to take all the responsibilities for what happened. I felt like I could make things easier for the family after this trauma, at the rip age of 7, and no one stopped to think maybe a child shouldn’t have to be dealing with a collective family trauma like this. But well. Here we are.

I relate to the fact Hisoka also struggles to accept everything that happened. And that now he’s trying to make things better for others people he can relate to. It’s so… complicated.

Also I can’t forget the fact Hisoka tried to kill himself and :/ as someone who has had a lot of suicidal idealization in my life this really hit a lot harder than it should have.

In general I would just say that socially I’m not really like him except with people I’m comfortable with teasing. Hisoka can be a little too rude and it’s where I can’t relate lol. But otherwise man I care him so much I feel so seen. I’m just removing 0.5 points for that and I don’t give him full mark because of what I’ll explain next.

Azuma: 10/10 This one is going to be a trip. It’s about twice the length of the Hisoka’s rant. Mister took me by the throat too. As I think it’s clear now I cannot relate to the fact he genuinely loved his family and how much his family cared for him. Yet I relate… to about everything else.

On the surface I do think I seem more approachable and easy to talk with. I try to be the kindest person I can be, to not be judgmental. I’m conflict avoidant, just like he can be, and if I’m annoyed with someone I’m muuuuch more likely to use passive aggressiveness like he does with Tasuku when he’s pissed at him. (sidenote: I do find it funny that Tasuku was the only character I really felt I didn’t get until Nocturnality, while Azuma was having the exact same problem, and then he became one of my fav the moment it clicked. Azuma is my braincell.)

More often than not, there’s a smile on my face and I try to be soft in the way I can be. I’m generally pretty calm, I’ve been told I was soothing, or give good hugs, this sort of stuff.

Now onto the heavy stuff.

I have a lot of nightmares and night terrors linked to a lot of my traumas. I’m honestly scared sometimes to go to sleep ^^”. But in general, if Hisoka reflects a lot of a personal trauma and how it would personally affect me, Azuma reflects a lot on how I would behave with others people in general and especially when I’m unwell. I’ve coped most of my life with, everything that happened to me, by just. Trying to keep people at armlength. I don’t want to let people close to me, especially irl. Discussing all of that online gives me a distance that allows me to discuss it but, I remember in high school I was going through very bad things, and a few years later I was hanging out with a friend and I happened to open up about those things. And she was going livid because, she had known me for what, 6 years at that point? And she never knew any of this. We talked a lot then, we were close, but she never knew all those things about me until years later. It kinda scared her because to her I was always a sweet and cheerful person and she never expected that I was doing this badly. I remember then she brought up something we discussed back in a party with many of our others friends from high school and similarly they were all. “how did we never know any of this.”. Seeing Azuma in Nocturnality kinda brought me back to that convo tbh LKDJFLKDFJFD.

But I’m good at pretending I’m closer to people than they think. I’m an excellent listener. A lot of my friends tended to rely on me as the person they could talk about their problems to. I used to do it much more back then but I also used to pour a lot of energy trying to make it easier for people, solving their problems. Full on Therapist Friend:tm:. It does help that, as I said with Tsumu, I have basis in psychology so sometimes some observations I can make help much more than expected. Just like Azu tbh lol.

Oh also I am cuddly with my friends in general. I’m super touch starved but also to the point I feel uncomfortable to seek hugs because I just don’t get any on a normal basis and my body isn’t used, but I’m super cuddly and when I’m with my closest friends I’m like a koala.

And it gives people the impression to people that I’m very close to them because I know them well, and I know the ins and outs of why they behave the way they do. But. I kinda feel like it’s one sided more than not. And it’s all because of me, because I keep my walls up very high and it means people don’t generally expect that I’m hiding things.

I’m good at distracting too. I don’t relate to how flirty Azuma is but I keep seeing it as him distracting others. It’s flattering, and just embarrassing enough that the person ends up dropping whatever they may be pressing on Azuma to talk about. And, while not with flirting, I do that a lot, especially using compliments like that. (That said my kindness or teasing has been misinterpreted as flirting before DLKFJDLKF I’m trying to be extra conscious about not having that misunderstanding happen nowadays but man it happened a lot).

Azuma knows a lot of people, and has been supporting a lot of people, but he doesn’t let people in as much.

And a lot of it is linked to his own sense of grief. Of the fact he has lost so much he can’t afford to go through the pain of losing something again, so he distances himself from it before it can hurt. And I do that a lot.

I mentioned in the previous rant but it’s seeing Azuma’s arc that made me understand how much it’s more grief than abandon that makes it so hard for me to move on. And a part of me kinda just. Grieves the family I could never have, the normal life I wish I could have lived and clang too all of my life. When Azuma told Guy “I was always so lonely. Everyone had families they could take for granted but I had no one.” Oh my god it destroyed me. And how he mentions just afterward that while he has new people to rely on, it couldn’t change the fact he was still feeling this pain of losing his family and it just. Man. Might be crying right now.

It’s like… I think the reason I especially related to that is that, in therapy I’ve often discussed my problems in the lenses of neglect and abandon but the problem with that lenses is that, at least with the therapists I had, they tend to focus on the fact that therefore I /must/ be still yearning for them to change and turn around, like I could change something. But I don’t. I was resigned at some point. And it’s really only when I read that that I felt this exact resignation I have been feeling all that time. I think I mentioned once how reading a3 felt like going one step toward recovery I didn’t know I could get and this was exactly the scene I meant. It legit took a weight off my heart that i've been carrying for decades. It was the strangest feeling in the world.

Anyway more in general too, on top of keeping people at distance, I am also a pro at “suddenly disappearing/ghosting when I get too close and/or have a relapse”. When Azuma starts to pull his relapses like we see in Nocturnality, I see myself. Legit had a friend who read a3 who called me out about that DLKJFDKLFJ. Acting weird like this, closing yourself in like this, coming back to some harmful coping mechanism as a way to connect back with your own self, those are all things I do. And it sucks. Like. The things I put my friends though sucks. But I really can’t help it sometimes.

I’m good at listening and observing, I’m generally good at picking up why people act a certain way, but I’m still very distant. I do everything I can to pretend I’m not distant and generally it fakes an idea of intimacy that I don’t specifically see as such.

And I see all of that in Azuma in ways that are terrifyingly relatable. Another thing Azuma says in this convo with Guy, about how “Everytime I would go to sleep, I would wish the morning would never come” me. Mood. Holy shit. Feel seen. I hate it. Just in general though the way he talks about morning as this terrifying thing is me. Between the night terrors and the fact morning genuinely makes me feel horrible, that’s kinda why I end up oversleeping until the afternoon DLKFJDF Azuma my lord I feel you.

Because of my nightly panic attacks I do try to come up with ways around it mainly by drinking some relaxing tisanes and stuff. Oh and I did have a huge period in life where I HATED being in the sun, and I fucked over all of my melanin because of that. as a kid I would tan very easily, but now the sun hates me as much as I used to hate it. So when Azuma is a drama queen about not wanting to stay in the UV too much I’m just like. How dare you pull out a mirror on me I didn’t ask for this. (also I have been called a vampire by people esp when I was a teen but that’s just how people called edgelords like me. Still. Reo my beloved.)

There is honestly so many little things with Azuma that reminds me of myself like this that it makes me go nuts. If Hisoka is who I relate to in term of specific trauma and how I cope personally, Azuma is more like, the direct physical impact of my trauma on me and the way it makes me relate to others people, as well as just every little behaviors here and there that are just so specific.

One of the only thing I really don’t relate to Azuma about is his love for Alcohol but I think if you replace it with like, my addiction to juice it works out the same.

Oh and, that’s a stupid but funny thing to me, I project hard on how much the reason he keeps his hair long is a form of mental stability for him, because I legit keep my hair long for my own mental stability. I have tied ways too much of my recovery process to my hair that when I see Azuma coping with grief with his hairstyle and how almost cutting it would be him spiraling down, I felt seen.

also i have 0 stamina just like him.

ANOTHER THING is also the fact Azuma is genuinely yearning for connections with people but he spent so much of his life keeping people away that as much as he’s yearning for it, it takes him so long to be able to lower those walls because he’s been so used to keep people away that he can’t reply to this yearning. And the way how, once he actually ends up feeling this bit of vulnerability toward people, he would suddenly shut in like it suddenly scares him? Mood.

One last thing (i promise) (i think) is that, if it wasn't obvious from all my ranting.... So much of myself and the way i view myself is defined by my trauma. I struggle to exactly come to term with my identity in any shape or form that isn't deeply related to my trauma. Even if you asked me what my sexuality is (please don't), my actual answer would be completely shaped by the fact i have so much trauma linked to sexuality, romance and gender, that i don't want to process it at all and can't actually manage to "fit the boxes" because i cannot see myself as something else than my trauma, or explain my feelings without linking it to my trauma. Honestly at times i find it kinda cringeworthy from me because i really, really can't tell about anything about my identity without thinking of my various traumas (i talked about a few of them in those rankings but it's not even the tip of the iceberg for a lot of stuff.) And when i see the way Azuma is in particular, maybe i'm projecting, but i feel like a lot of it is the same. Like not processing his age because if he does it reminds him of how he outlived those he loved (which is an headcanon but com'on.) or how even his hair is linked to his trauma. Or how he doesn't drive because it's linked to his trauma. I feel SO seen.

If it wasn’t for the fact he genuinely loved and was loved by his family, I would have felt exactly the same about everything regarding him.

But I still give him a full mark because the way Azuma’s arc has affected me is beyond any possible words I could use. And also because I legit wrote above 2100 words just on how much I related to Azuma ALONE. Even Hisoka took me 800 WORDS. HELLO. Guy: 6/10 Back to general coping here, Guy isn’t exactly relatable to me except in well. For exemple the ways the others relate to him, especially Hisoka and Azuma. So his memory loss to cope with intense family trauma is relatable to me, the way he can have nightmares and night terrors is also hella relatable to me.

But something that’s more Guy that I relate to is the whole “Step dad kept talking down on him and verbally abusing him until Guy basically completely closed himself in” because man. I won’t elaborate but I’ve really felt from reading that verbal abuse the same way I felt thinking back to how my ex-step dad used to talk to me. It made me so angry on his behalf. And the way he internalized it to cope was something deeply relatable.

Another thing with Guy is the fact that Guy did genuinely believes himself inhuman and tbh there was a time when I was very young where I would catch myself unable to feel a bit of humanity mostly from how I kept shutting myself in. (The reason I don’t relate to it with Homare is that this “inhumanity” was never actually there even if Homare did believe in it. But for Guy he went the extra mile convincing himself to the point where he denied this humanity as far as possible in a self destructive way and :/).

SO YEAH Winter is like. Therapy for me. The problem with “Trauma: The Troupe” is that saying “I relate to the Winter troupe” means “I may have problems and so what.” And it sucks.

if you read that wordvomit, congratulation, was it worth it?

Take care!

#closes eyes and pretends i didn't just type all of that for azuma ANYWAY #bows down thank you for indulging in my fav passion of 'therapy via a3' the more we go #ichafantalks a3 #pandapillow #ichareply #also man Risky Game is going to absolutly murder me isn't it.