#p:ng

[pkmnwater]

Thing 40a - Forgiveness

~I’ll take with me the Polaroids and the memories, but you know I’m going to leave behind the worst of us.~

[Written June 15, 2018; Posted July 1, 2018] [Part 1 of x] [Note: Contrary to my normal proceedings and conduct, I have not asked for express permission(s) as I normally do from associated parties to this, nor for the following associated writings. Partially because I believe it’d be compromising to, considering my overall plan for the next few posts, part because I believe that’d take away impact from my words, and part because of means. If anyone finds offense to my words, and particular segments are indeed about those complaints, I will make changes to my writing accordingly.]

So sometimes I hate how trivial and uncanny events in my life tend to be, but other times I can’t deny when it seems like I’m supposed to be reading it as some sort of message from the powers that be or something to that affect. This was one of those times.  About a week ago, I had a strange inkling to message an old friend. I didn’t get around to while I had the pull to do it, but I definitely wanted to. Just eventually the words I wanted to say went away. However, as I thought about her, I was reminded of a sort of running joke between the two of us.  ”Y’know, I’m still mad at you, have you figured out why??”

Recently, I’ve been playing a game that has minor buffs simply for being in a clan, but the higher the clan level, the better the perks. In this game, I only have and only intend to play semi-casually and only with my normal playgroup, but I do have another friend that plays in her own clan. I got the idea to combine the two that we have in order to actually activate the perks, but I didn’t want to abandon the one I was in. I absolutely adore the clan name, Yubikiri Genman, one of my touchstone phrases, while on the other hand, my friend’s clan was just a play on/running joke within her group, with the butt of it being an acquaintance whom I wasn’t particularly fond of, so obviously I wouldn’t want to be reminded of him every time I saw my name. When pressed as to why that was, the response I received from my friend and the rest of my playgroup was just to forgive the incident, as I’ve already forgotten.

I’ve finally been able to watch Girl Meets World again after a long time, as we finally got Disney Channel, where the show was shuffled onto there exclusively about three years ago. Incidentally, the first episode I caught since the previous incidents was S2E23: the Forgiveness Project. Huh. Y’see, to me, life is about experiences, new ones that broaden horizons, while repeat scenarios allow us to test our mantle if we’ve learned from our past. The world ends with you, after all. And integral to that, is learning.

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, moreso than usual, at least in terms of being focused on one specific set of things. It’s been over three years since, I believe, but as of just now, I believe this particular arc has finally come to a close. The difference is that if it was something that mattered to me, I literally cannot forget what and how it happened.

There was once when my character was called into question, a core aspect of myself, a fundamental and archetypal description. It was said of me that I was unable and even inept when it came to social situations, that I could never get along with others and just “jump in” as it were. At the time, I knew myself that that probably wasn’t the case, but I had no empirical evidence to the contrary, and up until that far, I had no intentions on having otherwise. I kept to myself as often as possible, and liked that, a casual observer may think I was withdrawn, I could understand that. But for someone who was supposed to know me better than that, either there was something horribly wrong with me, or I wasn’t presenting my best self, a sin within itself. Of course, me being me, I shouldered those words, taking the blame onto myself, and the guilt of the thought. Someone had negative thoughts about me, I assumed there must’ve been valid reason, so I took responsibility and said I was at fault for putting that negativity there, or at least allowing it to happen. But another part of me, scorned yet galvanized by the thought, realized that my core personality was being questioned, especially on a matter and context I knew was fundamentally wrong. Inside, deep at the time, but at least somewhere inside, I knew the kind of person I was. Yet, I let the words get to me, and even still, I began to question myself. It wasn’t entirely bad, I suppose, I did use that inspiration to push myself into a few unique experiences that I otherwise wouldn’t have done, and I’m definitely better off for it. [The password to this account is even partially a trespass of that, strange how things turn out.] Despite spending a long time believing I had long since been over what happened and the fallout from the result, I guess the words had always stuck with me. Every so often, I do go back to that day when things were said. I believed for way too long that there must’ve been grains of truth in the words, and I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to certain people long past the point it’s due, while still shouldering everything on myself. I blamed myself for so much for so long, part because of guilt, part by nature. One of the reasons I’ve held onto it for so long was because of what I believed was the nature of forgiveness. The relief from wrong doing, the excuse from guilt. When I’m forgiven for something, typically I feel that, right?? I assumed that was more or less universally the case. [But that only applies when the person who’s done wrong holds themselves accountable for what happened; a separate line of thought I might explore in the future.] For me, I internalized not being forgiven as a reason to keep punishing myself for allowing things to go wrong. Never free from the guilt. I kept that for myself until such a time that I’d be worth forgiveness. Not from her, but from myself. Maya: I'm sorry. I failed. I know you wanted me to forgive him, but I didn't. I couldn't do it. You were wrong about this one, Mr. Matthews. Cory: I never expected that, Maya. That kind of forgiveness, it doesn't come so easy. But life is a long time, and I hope you get there someday. But that's never what I was looking for right now. Maya: What did you want from me? Cory: Maya, did you forgive yourself? Boy/Girl Meets World, nails it on the head every time I’ve needed it to for some direction to think about. It’s made me a better person.

[previous] [next] [If you're new, or want to start over, press here]

Not my best writing, and I’m horribly out of practice at that, as it’s been a very long while since I’ve been able to write for myself. But here’s just some thoughts I wanted to get out, and I haven’t figured out how to polish off. Excuse me.

#p:ng #things #thing4x #thing #girlmeetsworld #boymeetsworld #forgiveness #thing40 #thing40a

[project101-niceguy]

Thing 36 - One Year Ago.

~Just a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit. He took the midnight train, goin’ anywhere.~ [Started Writing: June 4; Finished and Published: June 14]

Right now, there’s a gentle pitter patter on my window, but I’m too tired and sore to go out, so instead I decided to write this. It’s been a while anyway.

I’ve found myself reflecting these past few weeks on some matters of the past. It was one year ago, almost to the day, that I just “took off” for a bit. When that happened, it was cause I snapped. A part of me has been broken for a while, and it’s a part of me that’ll probably never be alright again, but that’s just it, it was a part of me, of my past.

I snapped because I couldn’t figure out what to do, there was so much conflict that I had been trying to internalize, which I’ve never been too good at. I had turned to some people who I considered friends, but for the most part, I didn’t get what I wanted from them. That’s not anyone’s fault though, I have unreasonably high expectations for people in general, so of course I’d expect even more from the people I care about and think are worth my time. I wasn’t upset by them, but frustrated, hopefully understandably so.

In any case, that was my excuse for just up and disappearing. I dropped everything and just took the time for myself. I tried to ration that I was doing it to keep the promise I had just made not too long prior, or that I just wanted to stop caring for a bit and be selfish, but in reality, I was just too distraught and too frustrated. That isn’t to say the other two points didn’t exist, but they likely weren’t the driving factors.

When I first left, I honestly thought that it was time for me to go, as if I needed/wanted to just uproot and start somewhere anew. Y'know how on TV or in movies there’s the cliché of someone buying a one-way ticket for a bus or a train and just seeing where they end up?? It actually makes me quite happy when life imitates art…even though it was technically my decision to do so…

Anyway, that was a year ago. When I left, my life was basically in shambles, so I just dropped everything else too. I told no one aside from my family because in all honesty, for that moment in time, I stopped caring for everyone else, and the feelings of resentment and betrayal and their apparent apathy cut me deep, real deep. Much deeper than the wounds that I had finally gotten to heal. I don’t and won’t hold it against them, cause I know I’m the only resident in my fairyland, and if anything, I’m angry at myself for drawing that conclusion, but that’s how it was. I always believed I inspired greatness and action in those around me, and that if I was clearly in need of support, I had a network that would respond the way I thought they would. But this ain’t a Disney special (“or at least that’s what I’ll choose to believe in instead of coming to the realization that maybe I’m just not worth the effort to the people I care for”, I say as I choke from the feeling.) When nothing was working the way I had planned and expected in my head, I retreated in response.

But that was one year ago. I’ve had a year since to think some things over. And just recently, I finally realized some things. I’m in a much better place than I was one year ago. Two years ago. Six years ago. Heck, it was actually just last week when I finally realized it. I now have friendships with people who genuinely care about me, and want me around, and want to talk to me. They’re my friends, not because I made them mine or called them as such, as I had done for every relationship I’ve ever had, rather, they made me their friend.

It reminds me of someone I used to know, I called him my best friend back then. We’d talk and spend as much time as we could together, spent countless hours on the phone and in games together. For all intents and purposes, he was pretty much my only close friend; he was my best friend, and I declared that. But he had other friends, and other people he talked to, and other people he played with, and those he probably trusted more than he did me. But I didn’t care, cause even if I wasn’t his best friend, he was mine. That was good enough for me.

Fast forward to now, and in a snapshot of my life, I can describe some things it’s taken me too long to realize. I’ve never had relationships with people this healthy before, because not only do I care about them, I believe it’s quite fair to say they care about me almost as much (heh.). These aren’t people I made my friends, or people who fell into the position for me, but rather, they chose me just as I’ve chosen them. Pretty much every single friendship I’ve ever had in the past before now, it’s always been more or less the same, and it’s always me giving and caring too much for others, while they probably couldn’t care less about me, but went along with it because I filled a position. I’ve always made every single interaction completely personal, and I gave 100% of myself to anyone I considered an actual friend and worth my time. Back then, there were about five people who held that position for me. In reality, they probably just thought of me as company. Back then I chose to ignore that, I believed and pretended that there was a strong connection there even when there probably wasn’t, back then, I needed that.

But that was a long time ago.

Last month I found myself recounting something. Way way back, one site I used to frequent was mylifeisg.com. For those unaware, it was essentially fml.com, but for the positives in life. Every thought I had used to belong on there, kinda, back fourfive years ago. I ~thought~ my life was g, but in the back of my head, I guess I always knew otherwise. Call it what you will, but I don't reserve such labels, and we're not here about that at the moment anyway. Either way, it was about a month ago when I thought to myself again, "My life is pretty g.". It wasn't a fleeting thought; it was right at the forefront. It was then that I realised some things. My current set of friends chose me. They look out for me, and notice when I’m not there. And although I’d never divulge everything and anything to them like true friends may, I do feel welcome to, most the time anyway. [That’s nothing on them, I just prefer to keep to myself, and probably only one person outside my family knows my life story.]. I have healthy relationships now, because not only do I respect them enough to always be perfectly honest, I know they respect me just the same. That was something I never had before. I believe that my choice to always be honest to people I care about makes me a better person. And even though that’s not always returned, it doesn’t say anything about me, but rather, it’s on them. If others want to forgo honesty for false appearances, I’m not okay with that, but at least now I know that hey, maybe they weren’t worth my attention or effort or care in the first place. I can’t be wrong for caring, I know that now. Maybe that makes me a better person, I’ll chose to believe that it does. And to those that are a part of my life right now, I sincerely thank you.

#P:NG #things #101things #ProjectNiceGuy #nice guy #thing3X #journey #don't stop believing

[fcktroianb]

Naughty Girl ; treegan

Besides, she had warned him she'd be pouncing on him when he least expected it.

Peeking her head out of the bathroom door, she saw the back of his head as he bent over some of his work. Photos, documents, his laptop, she didn't really know what he was doing, but he was deeply distracted which was good for her because she had basically been running back and forth between her bedroom and the bathroom to get herself ready. 

She flicked the lights off and shut the door behind her, making her way over to where Keegan was and snaking her arms around his neck, bending over slightly to brush her lips against his ear. "Hi," she whispered. She turned his chair around so she could sit down on his lap and went to close his laptop down. "You busy?"

#p:ng

[pkmnwater]

Thing 40b - Friends/Cousins

~Well I believe it all is coming to an end, Oh well, I guess we’re gonna pretend. Let’s see how far we’ve come, let’s see how far we’ve come.~ [Written June 18, 2018; Edited September 4 2018; Rewritten June 30, 2019; Posted July 1, 2019] [Part 2 of x] [Huh, so it’s been about exactly a year since my last post. I was doing some thinking lately about some certain topics relating to “Forgiveness” and it got me going back to thinking about this. So I guess now this multi-parter will be a yearly entry (it won’t, and I do actually want to finish typing it up in a more timely manner, but finding the effort and time has proven to be difficult, apparently).]

I had a friend, a long time ago. Grade school days. From when I used to play a certain arcade racer, and was actually quite into it. I hadn’t known it at the time of the encounter, but it proved to be one of my most important, and probably among the most defining ones for my mentality. I’ll likely tell this story eventually, as it is quite amusing to me, but for now, we’ll leave that for a time, she was one of the most important characters in my life, who I happen to have back now.

I was never very close to my extended family. I wanted to be, but it wasn’t quite a thing for us. My mom’s side aren’t on very good terms, and for one reason or another [we’ll just leave it at that], we don’t talk very much to my dad’s side. I have six cousins, two from each of my uncles [and boy would it be awkward if I’m mis-remembering right now...], but only one unit lives within visiting distance, not that we’ve seen each other in years...

It was earlier this summer, in fact, I’m basically just coming back from, a weekend away. The first time I went on a getaway with friends, actually, excluding camping. We went to a convention an hour or two out of town, just for fun. I’ve never been to a convention of any sort, and although I’ve been known to hate and avoid crowds and interacting with others when possible, loathing nor nervousness weren’t anywhere on my mind. I was going with my friend, L, her cousin, A, and the cousin’s boyfriend, J. For context, I’m pretty decent friends with the cousin and boyfriend. I was later informed of the possibility of being joined by two more of L’s friends. Not a big deal, the living arrangements were already putting me off center, so a tad more awkwardness wouldn’t really faze me. For me, the idea was trying something new, and at the time, I was seeing it as a chance to “get out of my comfort zone” as they say, so in the back of my mind, it was just adding to the challenge.

The trip roles around and the original four of us drive out and find our rental place and settle in, et cetera, et cetera. Eventually we meet up with the other two friends on the grounds, and we kick off to hanging out and having a generally good time, typical convention stuff, I assumed. I am just meeting these two for the first time, but the conversation flowed naturally. At first it seemed uncharacteristic of me, but then I thought a bit.

I couldn’t help but reflect on the thought that, at the time, was still nagging at the back of my mind, the time when my character was called into question, as it was something I recently decided to revisit and think about deeply. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this weekend would be the bookend to that chapter of growth and realization of that aspect of my character. As it turns out, in conversation with A and J later on, I had gotten along so well and naturally with the L’s friends that A and J thought we had met before and I was part of their group from the get-go. Upon hearing that, I actually burst out laughing, because during that weekend, Both L’s friends had thought A, L, and I were all cousins, because of how friendly and close we seemed. It was this moment that I realized it had only been two years prior when I met A (for real), It had been a sticking point for me lately. Like one of those things that you randomly can’t stop thinking about, coming up so randomly after all this time, but once you’re confronting it, the thought doesn’t go away until it’s settled.  Y’see, one of the things that was called into question was my ability to be friendly, to be personable, and to be likable. I had always taken pride in my language and tact, but it wasn’t ever a thing I really bothered to flex in spontaneous interaction. Like I know I can carry a conversation if I had to, but I did doubt the quality of my interaction. When I first thought it was uncharacteristic of me, this time, it got me to realize that if the feeling of being ‘uncharacteristic’ came up so much, perhaps it was my own perception of my character that was wrong. That weekend made me realize that my fears were unmet, that I can put forth my best self, even in front of strangers, but most of all, that I was congenial. I had never forgiven myself for letting some think otherwise of me, and holding onto the critique has also opened my eyes into seeing the presence of this aspect in myself, as well as in others. It was sort of like a poison, what was said, casting doubt. But it wasn’t a bad thing that I held onto it for so long, nor is it bad that I’m now forgiving myself for believing it, and for letting it come to a head. Life’s certainly been interesting since coming to this realization, at least moreso than before, as it’s given me another means to put forth effort for others.

[previous] [next] [If you're new, or want to start over, press here] P.S.: It would also turn out that L would become friends with my nearby-ish cousin(s) through other connections. So that’s where the serendipity comes in to this story, I suppose. Story to follow if requested.

[I need to revisit these writings and spend some time with them, they’re terrible imo.]

#p:ng #things #thing4x #forgiveness #thing40 #thing40b

[pkmnwater]

Thing 39 - Headspace

[A.K.A.: Obligatory La La Land post, Pt. 2] (Seriously, again with the Part 2 without a first part? Yes. I have my raisins.) ~You’re the fear, I don’t care, Cause I’ve never been so high. Follow me, in the dark, Let me take you past our satellites; You can see the world you brought to life, To life.~ [Written February 3, 2017, Rewritten and typed: February 14, 2017]

So about a month ago, I went to see La La Land. And before going on, minor spoiler alert that I’ll be going over the main theme of the movie [duh], but also touch upon the ending, and although I don’t believe it’ll take anything away from the experience of the movie, your mileage may vary. Ergo, preemptive spoiler alert on this one, I’ll mark when I get specific. On a similar vein, if you haven’t seen the movie yet, I highly recommend it. It’s not necessarily the best story or movie, cause that’s preferential, but it’s definitely a worthwhile experience, and I say that without a hint of doubt. Highly recommended with greatest praise. It was my first time sitting in a Cineplex VIP theater; one of those larger auditoriums with huge oversized chairs, where they serve you food/drink and there’s a side table instead of just a drink holder. Since they first announced and started building them in my area, about four-five years ago I believe, I had the desire to go to one. I’ve always had a passion for cinema and for interesting/better experiences, so of course you put that together and I’ll be drawn into it like a fly. Except I wasn’t. For a while, it was too difficult to find the time to go to one, as they’re also pretty out of the way for me, and I didn’t drive back when, and to justify the price was kinda hard for me to do without it being some special occasion, but then I had other plans anyway. Then, eventually, my passion for going to the cinema dwindled, then died, for raisins. Either way, the long short is that for one reason or another, I’ve never been to a VIP up until this point. I had heard about a movie doing its rounds at film festivals, garnering quite a lot of attention. but I didn’t personally take much note of it, being distracted by other things at the time. It wasn’t until around November or December of last year when my sister tackled me and forced me to watch a trailer for this interesting little movie (I hate watching trailers). And I was floored, it was so beautiful, and...happy. That was the moment I decided I was going to a VIP, and it was going to be for this movie. I hadn’t been to the movies in quite some time until fairly recently at that point. It was a joy that was taken from me by a number of things, and despite me honestly trying to still enjoy the cinema, I just didn’t/couldn’t. It just wasn’t something I found enjoyable anymore. And it felt terrible; things that used to excite me and things that I knew would’ve excited me simply didn’t. It was a terrible feeling. [Someone remind me to write of “Devoid” at some point, please.] But, obviously it didn’t stay that way. The timing was strange for me. It was around then that I also came to the realization that I loved movies again. I have a friend whom I’ve known for a very long time, but words weren’t exchanged between us for most of that time. She invited me to go a few times, then I started making plans to go. She managed to reignite the movie-goer inside me, reminding me of something I genuinely enjoyed; the whole experience of it, enjoying both narration and symbolism, and the process of film. I had planned to make a model experience. Having a fun night out and getting a brand new experience, something to remember. It was supposed to be that way. I planned it as a way to say thanks to her for all that she did for me. It was supposed to be a easy trip out, dinner and a movie, and the full VIP experience. Y’know, get there early and take in the atmosphere of the lounge, look at the art around the center and in the VIP halls, that whole shebang. That’s how I planned it in my headspace. But things don’t always go according to plan. It turned out the timing for the movie didn’t quite work out, so I suggested something that got lost in translation, and I ended up having to be a busy up until the time to go for the movie, so I was a bit frazzled on time and timing, and being there early was out of the question. In short, it wasn’t perfect, and didn’t go in accordance to what I planned. This put me in an interesting mindset. I had a flood of thoughts [when do I not?!?!] in the back of my mind that I was still in the process of sorting through, dealing with certain thoughts and whatnot. Coincidentally, the loudest of some of those thoughts at the time were about “what could be” or “how it should be”. This compounded with what I was thinking at the time; how the night should’ve went. I kept fixating and feeling bad about it, but put it aside as the movie began so I didn’t taint the experience any further. I knew little of this movie going in. I just knew it was going to be fun and pretty and bright and musical. But I had no idea of the genre or themes or messages. But boy howdy did it end up resonating with my thoughts. The title really does give it away though, “La La Land”. When is that term used?? It’s quite rather simple to figure in hindsight, the movie’s core theme was right there. Headspace. It got me to realize something. In our minds we build up stories and plans for how things should go. Even the most stout realists still have thoughts of how things should or could be. For me, I think endlessly on how things are, and how they could be different, and how they should be, and how things would be if every step was done “right”. This is La La Land. Once I caught on to what the movie was doing, my mind kept drifting off, thinking about how my personal La La Land would be like right now, in correspondence to my current wants. I often speak of how I save certain memories and experiences in my head for quick access. There’s a reason these are the moments I chose, not only do they remind me most of a particular thought or feeling, but many of them are also of moments in my mind when I could’ve done something different. Reality doesn’t always match how you want things to go, a glaring example being that night, still fresh in my mind, but in my personal headspace, I experienced what I had planned; what could’ve been if things went “right”. I closed my eyes [figuratively] and the flashback starts. I recalled the memory that currently makes me smile the most. I feel the wind in the air, the colours all around, the smells, and what I saw, an image I often think of in my mind. It was beautiful, and of beauty incarnate. I recalled what I wanted to do that day, if things were in accordance to my grand design. I relented that I’m satisfied with reality and how things played out, but I keep note of the (new) memory as well, the “what could’ve been”, it’s -my- La La Land after all. I go though and between a few of my strongest memories, turning them in my mind into the “best” outcome, as per the closing moments of the movie. Piecing together the “perfect” timeline. But it was all in my head. *Spoiler Alert* And then the movie ended, and I was sad. But it’s not a sad ending. If anything, it was quite the opposite. Just because it’s not a fairy tale ending, it doesn’t mean it’s a bad outcome, you can be happy and appreciate things just the way they are, there’s nothing wrong with that. The ending wasn’t even bittersweet, it was happy, just in a non-conventional way. *End Spoiler Alert* That movie messed me up for a good while, because it got me thinking so much about my own La La Land, a concept I sometimes think about, but usually try not to delve too deep lest I get lost. But suffice to say, I feel in the deep end after getting back that night. It too closely resonated with some of the things I was going through already. I am satisfied with how things are and with reality, honest. But despite that, I also can’t shake off the images in my headspace and the thoughts of my La La Land. I was conflicted. I wanted things, things that I know can’t be and I can’t have. I have a particular fondness of and desire for fairy tale endings and for things to just work out. Again, I blame Disney. But reality is harsh, and we rarely get to live in La La Land. That’s what the movie was about. Things have a way of working out the way they’re meant to, and sometimes, despite however hard people try, what someone sees in their headspace just isn’t quite possible. But that doesn’t mean we can’t/shouldn’t have a La La Land, and certainly not that we should give up on it. I conclude that one can be happy with both reality and what could be at the same time. You see, from where I stand, I believe that it’s actually an interesting duality, and both sides must exist to empower the other. We have reality, sometimes cruel and harsh, and separate from what we want and desire. This creates in our headspaces our personal La La Lands, where we see what we want, and envision our lives if things had gone “right”. We can take that image, that dream, and then work towards it in reality. Reality will probably never match the life we have in La La Land, but with enough work and luck, it can come pretty close, right??

~Bouken desho, desho?~ “It’s an adventure, right??” Of course it is. The present of today will be the past of tomorrow, proof that time is magical and each moment a miracle. Just because something stands in the way of where we’re going or where we want to be, it’s up to you to decide to stop.  With renewed passion and those thoughts behind me, I’ll move forward with what I have, working for what I want, with hopes that it’ll come together eventually. And even if things fall apart along the way, if I’m happy with where things end up, I’ll have my La La Land -and- my reality. It’s somewhat related to a mindset I’ve adopted recently (something I’ll write about soon), and the timing of seeing this movie just cements it in my mind. I’m a better person for it.

[previous] [next] [If you're new, or want to start over, press here] [I’ll get to fixing my links soon, I swear. Plus posting my backlogs. But, consider this a formal return to form.] [Guh, thinking about La La Land so much again really makes me want to just go off and gush about it some more. It’s honestly such a pretty and happy and fun movie. I can’t wait for the blu-ray to come out.]

#p:ng #png #thing #niceguy #projectniceguy #la la land #lalaland #haruhiism #headspace

[pkmnwater]

The Little Things - 41

I’ve never really liked the way I looked. Not that I think I’m ugly or anything (except I do, but that’s just preference), and I wouldn’t know what to change how even if I could. It’s not really of any impact; I just think I look funny, and it’s hardly the source of my self-loathing. Either way, I avoid my reflection when possible for this reason. [We’re glossing over the metaphors]

I’m one to think that flowing with change is an aspect I ought to have and confront is something I also avoid. Earlier today, I bought myself a pocket mirror.

#the little things #tlt #p:ng

[pkmnwater]

The Little Things - 40

If there’s two types of stores I can spend hours on end in, it’d be crafts or kitchenwares.

Yesterday I spent over an hour in a 10m x 10m crafts store just pacing about as I was envisioning future projects. Store workers started counting for me and giggled when I’d finish a lap, commenting on my faster/slower rounds.

Coincidentally, 40 was the amount I spent in the store. I like uncanny things.

#tlt #p:ng #the little things

[pkmnwater]

The Little Things - 39

I have a courageous side when it comes to drinks. I will boldly try anything “weird” enough I see on a drinks menu or bottle from the (Asian) supermarket. Raw egg and sprite?? Check. Vietnamese grass drink thingy?? Check. Balute (as a drink)?? On the bucket list.

I also have a particular fondness for breads. Just anything and different kinds of breads. While I’m away, I decided maybe I should extend my courageousness of trying anything "weird" enough to breads.

I just ate a tuna roll…inside an Asian cupcake…rolled in Asian white sweet sauce…covered in meat floss.

Check.

#tlt #the little things #p:ng

[pkmnwater]

The Little Things - 38

There were two butterfly/moth-things fluttering along the trail, as if leading the way. I don’t know why that’s worth particular note, but I followed them for a while.

Arigatō, ageha-chō.

[They weren’t swallowtails, but the song came to mind, shuddup.]

#tlt #the little things #p:ng

[pkmnwater]

The Little Things - 37

Funny observation I just made at the dock.

“The water comes in with the tide, but despite how strong it is, it’s water, it’s not gonna move a concrete structure. The force is Newtonian though; equal and opposite. The tide hits the dock, then goes out again. But then the next wave comes and meets the one outgoing. They clash, then settle." Water is stupid.

There’s a few metaphors in there.

#tlt #the little things #p:ng #whoami??

[pkmnwater]

The Little Things - 35

It’s strange, really, thinking about the things that’s changed in the past two years. Last night I lay, staring at the ceiling when I realized that that was the exact scene in my eyes when I originally thought of TLT, just under two years ago.

~Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes~…times two.

It’s also strange, in a different way, how my thoughts have become so turbulent once again. But that’s a thing onto its own.

~The timing, and structure. [Did you hear? He f*cked her.]~

It rained on the first morning I was here. I like mornings, and I like rains. I watched it for an hour.

~Everything’s gonna be alright, everything’s gonna be okay.~

#tlt #the little things #p:ng

[pkmnwater]

Thing 38 - The Way of the Phoenix

~Well, I believe the world is burning to the ground. Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out. Let's see how far we've come.~

A.K.A.: Departure (Pt. 2). [January 5, 2017] [Now that some of the dust from new year’s has settled, at least a bit, I finally have the time (and mind) to recollect on some of my thoughts from the past while. I intended to set aside time to write on multiple occasions, but it’s been hard to find the chance. So here I am now with some time to myself, my new Kuru Toga Roulette in hand, and I will attempt to piece some things together that’ve been floating for a while.] It’s been a few weeks now since a friend was over. It was shortly after I had made something Pokemon related, and she asked me which my favourite Pokemon were. I don’t hide that I like Pokemon; it’s the most common association of my moniker and I rarely make an effort to correct them, as the real meaning of which I rarely share, but if I disliked the association, I’d at least make a point that it did not stand for Pokemon. Either way, despite that, it’s been a long while since I’ve been asked this question.  I cycled through the first few that came to mind: Manaphy - the Prince of the Sea and my first ever event/mythic, Squirtle - my first partner Pokemon, Jirachi - the Wish Maker, Absol - the pure altruist guide. But then, in the back of my mind, were flames. Ho-Oh - the Eternal, and my original favourite, mainly for the reason that it was based on the phoenix, or more specifically [and aptly], the Fenghuang.  This thought reminded me of something from my past. I used to be huge on mythology and its symbolism, with the phoenix being my personal totem. The phonex represented life and rebirth, and the concept to always be moving forward, not only to spread luck and joy and happiness, but also to inspire and promote DETERMINATION. All done while repeatedly burning out to ashes, always to erupt even brighter and more brilliant than before. Such is the Way of the Phoenix.  [In reality, there is so so much I can go on about here in terms of symbolism relating to the phoenix, but I’ll digress for the time. Perhaps I shall revisit the topic later and take a different direction, but that was not what/how I wrote today.]

Two months ago, to the day, oddly enough, I was in the place of my dreams - Shibuya. It was there that I fell the furthest (or at least when I realized I hadn’t finished falling prior) and hit the lowest point I’ve ever known. I had written previously when I had -thought- I reached the bottom [Re: Why do we Fall?], but I didn’t have an understanding for depth then. Rather than foreshadow, I wrote prelude. But, when I had reached the place of my dreams, it was then that I actually reached the end of the line. In essence, I had put my inner flame away while I was being distracted by other things the few months prior, and had just assumed things had been getting better because the fall wasn’t on my mind. But that night in Shibuya, I looked at my inner flame and I watched it die; the last of what used to fuel me flickered out.

At the time, I panicked and I fought myself and my thoughts. I felt lost and scared, and I fell. I fell so hard and so fast. Through everything I was and what I thought I had become in the few months since. I thought that I had been working and climbing for a while, but it was then that (in hindsight) I realized I not only lost my way of the phoenix, I had forgotten it entirely. That night, unknowingly to myself at the time, I returned to ashes.

“Listen up, Phones. The world ends with you. If you want to enjoy life, expand your world. You gotta push your horizons out as far as they’ll go. Enjoy the moment with all your might…whether it’s gloomy, whether it’s bright! — Sanae Hanekoma But it wasn’t just that that I had buried. There I was, literally standing in Scramble Crossing, and the furthest thing on my mind was that the world ended with [me]. In the ashes of my thoughts that night, I relearned that it’s a wonderful World, but only if I allowed for it to be. But, as I wrote before [Re: Departure], first things needed to change. I needed to change. Real change, brought on by real movement. “The World Ends With You, so do something about it, Water.” So that’s some of my thoughts lately it seems. Or rather, my thoughts on thoughts I’ve lost. It probably reflects poorly on me that I had set aside these two mantra when I actually needed the guidance, especially when they’ve been so integral to shaping my understanding and outlook until that point. But it is what it is. I do get that the two thoughts are fairly disjoint, but they’re both of things I’ve lost my way of, which is where their connection to each other came from here. In any case, it’s been far too long since I’ve observed the Way of the Phoenix. Sure, I had continued to try and spread happiness and uplift and inspire. But I had forgotten that sometimes flames flicker, and sometimes they go out entirely. Or rather, flames need to go out. The important thing is what remains in the ashes once that flame is gone, and how bright and intense and brilliant are the flames that emerge afterwards. It’s strange to think, upon recounting this train of thought, that this revelation came from an innocent question about my favourite Pokemon. [From the ashes.] “PKMNwater will return.” [I had originally wrote “aptly” when talking about Ho-Oh being based on the Fenghuang because it is the east Asian phoenix, and I thought I was going to say more about its symbolism rather than the idea of the western phoenix. I continued on about the western phoenix because it stood out more in my mind as I went on. But i will say that the Fenghuang is also fitting symbolism as the Fenghuang connotes ideals of union and “uprightness” and new beginnings, which I kinda play around with also. In addition, I could’ve said a whole lot about how the Fenghuang only stays in the company of one that is without darkness and/or corruption. A state that I clearly was not, and a possible explanation of how I lost the way. Possibly an interesting route to explore some other time.] [So this is my first writing of the new year, and my first ever with my new Kuru Toga. It seems fairly fitting that it’s somewhat about beginnings also, at least if you purposefully try to make the connection… Also, someone yell at me to get around to getting my formatting straight, I’m starting to hate the lack of templating myself. Also also, this entry underwent much less editing than normal. I’m experimenting with having more emphasis on “spur of the moment” and flow, at least for the time being.]

#p:ng #thing #twewy #phoenix #projectniceguy #niceguy

[pkmnwater]

Thing 37 - Departure.

~Ima demo...~ [Written Nov 7, 2016, finished and posted Nov 14, 2016] So as I spent a few days after writing this debating whether or not I wanted to post this, and then spent the past few days feeling in a bit of a mood. A friend of mine helped me quite a lot yesterday by distracting me and reminding me of something that made me happy, and today I was able to figure out the reason why I was in a funk, ultimately making me decide to post this and formally make my return. It’s funny to think, it was two years ago. “Always forward” - a phrase that I’ve recently taken to reciting to myself when I feel stagnant in something I’m doing. Not that it’s to stop myself from reflecting and having retrospection, but rather, to remind myself to learn. Always forward doesn’t mean to stop looking back, but to find a way to move on from the current situation, including your status and the person that you are. I spent the last few weeks in a place that I’ve had visiting on my ‘bucket list’ ever since I can remember.  [I’m writing this on the return plane.] The first thoughts I had when I began the adventure were the thoughts that plagued me the last time I travelled. As I packed, I kept going over and over again the things I had originally planned and the things I wanted to do then, and lived through the sadness in my mind over and over about how those plans wouldn’t become reality. It upset me, truly and deeply, the first time in a long time I had been fully upset over something. But it wasn’t out of anger or spite, but rather, because of loss and missed opportunity. But that was over a year ago, I realized just how long I had spent in my self inflicted stupor. And how long it had been since I realized I had left that stupor. I probably sound like a broken record to those that I talk to frequently, but this past June I made some observations that’ve honestly changed my life, and since then, perhaps the best things to ever happen to me have become realities. I’ve made real friendships, met people I never thought I would, learnt about living and thinking in ways I’ve never considered. But most importantly, but perhaps also most selfishly and inconsequential to anyone besides me, I learnt how to move forward. It’s been about two months now when YouTube randomly decided to suggest a song for me. Departure by SCANDAL. I had heard of the band before, but never heard anything from them. This song hit me harder than I ever expected it to, and literally found me just before I needed it the most. It perhaps saved my life, or at least my mind. I think and speak of fates and predetermination all the time, and it’s events like these that just make me sit back and think how funny and uncanny life tends to be. Suffice to say, since then, it’s been on the short list of songs I find myself always rotating to when I need something to listen to, both in terms of enjoyment and when I need to save my mind. Just now I looked out the cabin window, and I laughed at myself remembering  a dumb line I muttered a few weeks ago. “Truly, once again, I’m making my departure.” But it’s also true, just a few days ago, I had perhaps the best day of my life, not because of fun or enjoyment, but because I experienced something I hadn’t expected but desperately needed. It’s funny, really, how our highest highs and lowest lows can be so closely linked, and sometimes, it’s our lows that bring resolution and peace.  I was in the position where I could fulfil one of my life’s goals that I had dreamt of since 2007. In a way, I did get to do this thing, but it was also incomplete at the same time. As I rode the train that night back to where I was staying, I desperately fought back tears. I was choking every time I spoke. And I was trying to hide everything from my parents. I almost made it. Despite being a goal of mine for so many years, and being able to do it, the experience felt empty. I couldn’t understand why at the time, and I tried to fight myself from thinking so I could enjoy my experience. I can rationalise any time, but experiences can only be made given opportunity. Normally I’m good at keeping my thoughts separate and compartmentalised, but this time was different, much different. I couldn’t fight it, and worst off, I couldn’t figure out why, at least not till I got back to where I was staying. “I need it to be different now. I know I made a promise, but I didn't see this coming. I didn't count on being happy. Please...tell me that it's okay.“ - Batman: Mask of the Phantasm [The line’s out of context here, kinda. And I fully understand the context and weight of the line within the confines of the movie, but the line itself stuck with me because of the words’ resonance to how I’ve generally been thinking since this past June, around the time when I first saw the movie.]  The emotion hit me like a truck, and I was powerless to stop it this time. I was overwhelmed, and all I could do was hide in the stall of a washroom and cry. I needed things to be different now. Things I had built up in my head, things that I had thought of and ideals that I conceived. It was this day that made me realize how I had been in my own way. I needed things to be different now. Why couldn’t they be different now?? I thought I came to terms with it and made things different now. I wanted so bad for things to be different now. But to me, it wasn’t okay...yet. A few weeks ago, I was reminded on how I hate finality, I’ve never said goodbye in my life except for one time to one person, and even then I didn’t say it to them. In my mind I thought I had made resolution to this conflict of mine, again, back in June, but I guess I hadn’t actually. That moment when I arrived at this thought, something changed within me. It wasn’t about goodbyes and putting things away. It wasn’t about resolutions or even finality in general. And in reality, things were different now, I just had to allow that into my mind; into my life. My world ends with me. Just as I came to this, my music saved me once again and affirmed my thoughts. ~Are kara dore kurai Tsukihi ga tatta no ka nante sa? Wasuresou ni naru na Tachidomatte miageta sakura.~ So, here I am now, leaving a place that I’ve dreamt of since my childhood. I came looking for an experience and adventure. And although I did find those things, they’re not the things that imprint on me the most. Instead, I leave with resolve on something I wasn’t expecting and refound knowledge of a morale a game taught me, and a few more lessons that I didn’t figure out until now. I’ve also now fully internalized something that I’ve been coached into understanding the past few months. In a sense, I’m leaving behind something that was great so I can become greater. Making a departure, if you will. And a promise that one day I’ll return, when things are different. When such a time comes, I’ll be a better person.

Oh jeez, this was a mess. I’ll fix formatting and templating another time, but jeez this has nothing to do with anything. I’m going to post it anyway, because it’s important to me, but don’t even try to figure out or understand the resolutions I’ve made because there’s no chance that you’ll understand my train of thought. Instead, skip to where you take my words and try to apply parts of my thoughts to your own lives. Also, no picture because I lost my camera, and I’m super bummed out about that still atm. Also, I’m back, formally, and in about four different senses.

#P:NG #Thing

[project101-niceguy]

The Little Things - 33

[Here’s a random congregation of thoughts that don’t really fit as a TLT, but I still haven’t figured out how I want the nomenclature to work here. It is what it is.]

Spring’s finally here, which I guess it’s nice. I was kinda upset that there wasn’t enough sweater weather this winter, but at least there was some April snow to make up for it, that was nice.

Never knew this before, but one of the most enjoyable things for me to do when it’s so nice out is go for a drive. Kinda oxymoronic, but it’s probably the most peaceful thing I’ve experienced in a long while, aside from bring on a rooftop during a light shower (thinking of which, we haven’t had very many April showers yet, I’m kinda upset at that.). Maybe a part of that is the freedom I have now, especially since I now have my own set of keys. It’s something I’ve come to really enjoy and appreciate.

My father came back today after three weeks, which really makes me feel better. I’m not one to enjoy situations when sole responsibilities are on me, it seems (and I was so sure I was too, but something was different this time, or it might just be me.).

All that aside, this Spring’s already been kinda hard on me, but that’s not something for here nor there; just some personal stuff bringing me down, but I’ll bounce. (To You should know who you are, pleaseaskmeaboutitifyouhavethetime, IthinkIreallyneedtotalk.)

Anyway, my phone case is buggered up again, that’s kinda annoying, so I’m gonna go find some putty to fix it. Either way, appreciate the weather, I know I’ll be trying to.

#tlt #thelittlethings #p:ng

[project101-niceguy]

The Little Things - 32

If anyone ever asked me, I’ll be quick to say that one of my favourite shows right now is Girl Meets World, so of course, when I finally got access to a video streaming service just about a week ago, it was the first show I looked up with the intention to watch. No luck, not that I expected it to be there, but what I did find was Boy Meets World. Boy Meets World was a show I grew up watching. Non-serial because my cable subscription was on-again/off-again when I was young, but I still watched it whenever I could, and probably saw most of it (out of order, but I was able to piece together the events to figure out the timeline). In fact, I probably owe a hefty portion of my reasoning to the way this show brought me up. I watched this show with an open heart and it is honestly one of the most influential things in my life. I’ve written before about sentiment and how I grew up “Disney”, ABC is Disney too. So, I began watching it, and in series this time. And I’m taking it all in, all over again. [Sidenote: Heh, of course, when I ended today’s session after saying “just one more episode”, I stop on Season 3, Episode 3: What I Meant To Say”. Just typical. JustthingsIwishIcouldsay, justthingsIwishIcouldhear.]

#TLT #thelittlethings #P:NG #boy meets world

[project101-niceguy]

The Little Things - 30

Today, I had a realization that kinda made me laugh. It's honestly things like this that make me pause and think about how stupid and silly life is, and that no one can ever capture just how strange reality really is. Y'know how I go out of my way to help people if I chance upon the situation and I'm not doing anything pressing?? Like shovelling a neighbour's drive or helping a stranger with their heavy baggage?? I've always prided myself as the kind everyday Samaritan, but sometimes, I struggle to find something nice to do, or even further still, sometimes my kindness is misconstrued. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I keep track of things or I make a goal to do X kind things a day, but some days I do feel as if I hadn't done enough. And just as I started to feel like that again cause I hadn't interacted with people much lately, opportunity presented itself to me, several times. Even funnier still is that I literally didn't go out of my way to help people today. Normally, when I help strangers, it's I who either just does the thing, or me asking if I can assist. Call it what you want, but I'm honestly just wanting to help and/or enrich those I encounter. However, for some reason, today it was really nice to be asked for my help. Of course I didn't do anything much, and I'm sure I'm not winning any awards for my deeds, but I just found the coincidence strange.

#TLT #thelittlethings #daily #p:ng #projectniceguy