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valorousowl · 7 years

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So I'd said I'd complain here. Because I want to. But I also don't want to. Under the cut because sensitive shit.

My father died two weeks ago on Sunday. I've made about 3 posts about that. Last week we had some funerary services. Mom is having a month long wake for people to pay their respects to his ashes which will be mixed with hers following her death and then buried together, likely in the Military Cemetary in Pennsylvania where her brother is also buried.

I performed some of the services, reading

Psalms over his remains from his Lutheran service book at my mother's request. I also said prayers over his remains a few times and blessed a cross she's received as a bereavement gift.

Other than that we just spent a whole lot of time together, not enough, and talked a whole lot.

This is thw second funeral I've been at in 6 months. In may my Uncle Jack died and if home down briefly for that. An aunt had died cut In that time, Ngoc, but I wasn't close so I ended up not going/not invite to her funeral.

My sisters at that time, had been quite angry that id gone to his among other things, despite the fact he'd been like a second father to me and always looked out for me during high school.

To make things simple I'm gonna bullet what they did last time under their names.

Page

Bitched a lot about me choosing a nonblood relative over a blood relative

Had a whole homophobic* rant about it not being fair the family accepts my wife but not her girlfriendbeating, childabusing, alcoholic, lazy, boyfriend.

Ended up leaving me until way after the funeral ended because she was pissed at me. My other sister had to get us and take us to the after part.

Not great but not bad comparitively.

Hillary

Ended up showing up late to pick us up from the pick up location in Ithaca. I literally can't give her my address it's that bad.

I had to drive us down. She'd programmed her gps, two of them, to give conflicting turns so the other was no help when I got lost after Harrisburg.

Wanted to sleep at a rest stop parking lot only halfway through, this is the DAY OF the funeral.

Literally started screaming at me for getting lost and said "I drive like a man"

Told me she'd kill me for transitioning when I joked that I can't drive like a man when it's so expensive to transition**.

Repeated it, making sure I looked her in the eyes, in front of a witness, that she will kill*** me if I ever transition.

Tried to drop in unannounced at 6 am at the mother of the dead aunt to pay condolences. Even if I'd been invited that'd be supremely rude.

Immediately went to sleep when we arrived about an hour or two BEFORE the funeral.

Continued to hang all over me and call me ungrateful for not visiting for almost 4 years before this.

That was last time.

This time she did something worse, and what makes it even worse was the fact that it was our FATHER.

I know it shouldnt matter because family is family but she was there when he died and had tried to get ahold of me at work before it was too late. All of this made me think she was at least acting like a decent human being. I was wrong. I know people process grief differently and I'm no different, im still fluctuating between denial and anger and even mom is pushing it far from her mind so she doesn't have to face the reality of it. But there's certain things that are unforgivable.

Page in comparison was really kind, so anything she did out of frustration I'm skipping this time because she made an effort to be civil.

Hillary

Lent us her bedroom which was nice, except she was in there all the time. Like not to get stuff she needed she was just hanging out in there all the time. And I know you're thinking "It's her room, stop being an asshole!" Except it brings me to point two. She'd especially do it after picking fights, so that literally we didn't have anywhere to get away from her. She'd do this when I lived there too, except she'd do it in MY room, which had literally no way of locking her out as we shared one connecting door that only locked in her side. She does this for attention so she cannot be ignored.

We went out to her work, where she introduced me to Everyone as her daughter. There's about three problems there alone, but I had to be polite to her co-workers. She did so so she could basically just mooch off the free samples. Which they all commented on, pointedly.

Afterward she had me drive just to start an argument about politics, literally took me down several new roads I didn't know, and got mad when I wouldn't make the turns instinctively and made me make what were basically illegal turns. She made up for this by buying my therapy cat some things at Wal-Mart including a fidget spinner****. Then stayed in our room for three more hours.

The next morning she acted like nothing had changed and said we were going out to eat. We went to The Green Dragon which is a fancier Asian buffet with a variety of dishes. It was nice. Until she started discussing politics LOUDLY. It wasn't that kind of restaurant, it was mostly older people, like 80% 60-80 year olds on the early bird special, not somewhere you want to talk politics in rural Amish country Pennsylvania.

I told her three times, we aren't talking about that here and now.

She insisted she was talking to "My friend*****"

I told her neither of us wanted to talk to her about it so she dropped it for a while.

It wasn't long before she was back on her bullshit. She went on about infowars or some shit. (She doesn't like him, per se, but she's a "conservative in a gay hat" type) and how it was hilarious to see him get ripped apart over "Michael obama"

I tell her it's pronounced Michelle. She replied "no it's not! He's really a man, haven't you seen?" And extrapolated from there. I told her she can't call women she doesnt like men just because she doesn't like them or isn't attracted to them. (She does this)

At this point, she continues on about how Michelle is "a transgender or whatever", not really a woman, had a penis, and even without my biases, she still is SHOUTING THIS IN A PACKED RESTAURANT FULL OF OLD PEOPLE IN RED PA

I tell her to back off because she doesn't know anything about trans people and maybe she should just not talk about it because I'm not going to talk to her about it. To which of course she replies that she knows so much better because she knows lots of """"""real trans people"""""

She goes on about how they're disgusting, they smell bad, they're bad people, she outed her friend who I didn't know was trans and said that she (She managed proper pronouns for her at first then reverted to calling her a man) forced her to support her even though she was *insert insults* and even went so far as to call them... rather us, mentally ill freaks.****** She insists we wouldn't have high suicide rates of we didn't "pretend to be the other gender and accept what we really are!"

I'm done. I've had enough. I just get up and say "I'm going to the bathroom" and I literally walk away and lock myself in the family bathroom. While I'm gone she asks what my problem is and my wife tells her off, basically that she doesn't get to decide anyone else's journey for them, it costs 0.00 USD to respect people's identies and not be a fuck. To which Hillary says "don't tell me she's one too" which I'm not annoting because I've already made two notes on this. Rowan tells her "It's not my story to tell,"

"That tells me all I need to know." (Yeah no shit Sherlock you were told outright)

Rowan says she's gonna check on me, so Hiillary tells her "well, tell her her mother's dead. She doesn't have one anymore."#

So I'm having a breakdown in a public bathroom, on the phone with my mother, because she has humiliated me and outed me to a restaurant of strangers, and she still keeps us out with her for another hour past leaving the restaurant even when I said I wanted to go home.

She immediately tried to retract and say that first off, "[I] don't understand how hard it is and [I] don't understand the choice [I'm] making" I am not talking to her about this.

She insists she'll always support me. I want to go home.

Here's where she actually took I to Wal-Mart. Rowan has reminded me this is what the Wal-Mart trip was to make up for. On that note. She tried again to say she'd "always support me and I know it". I reminded her she told me last time she said she'd kill me over it. She denied it and I told her I still had logs to which she said "ugh, okay whatever!"

This all led to outing me to the REST of the family, which thank God they took better than her. They admitted they didn't understand and hoped I'd get lots of doctors who could help me transition safely with my health issues. Overall it was better than expected but I'm the second openly trans member of the family.

She continued to say that I hold grudges and I shouldn't be so sensitive among other things but that's really all I have the spoons for. This took three hours to write as is. So yeah, additional notes are below. This is why I will never live in PA again and never live near her again. All of this when we were supposed to be mourning our dead father.

*Its homophobic from perspective because I'm only out as a lesbian at this point.

**She is a (closet-bi) lesbian who has been told twice at this point that I'm trans. She's said I'm confused. I don't know what I am. She didn't give birth to a boy etc.

***This is about the third time in my life she's told me if it was up to her she'd have killed me. She said she wanted to abort me, she said if I'd been a boy (xy) she would have. She says if they wouldn't let her, she'd have smothered me coming out and as it stands as a "girl" (xx) she planned to orphan me if mom hadn't told her to being me home.

**** I don't even know. She insists cats love fidget spinners. Mine doesn't care.

***** I don't have to explain why this is fucked up. But I will. If you havent had this situation happen to you, regardless of sexuality and presentation, it means that person who is so important to you to be your significant other, does not measure up. Other than dehumanizing them it's just in general a shitty move. And when they dont even use your SOs name it's clear they're seen just as an accessory of you.

****** y'all remember I've already told her I'm trans? I have the Facebook logs from that convo still.

#I got sick of counting stars, so we're switching to hashes. I'm adopted. Hillary is my biological mother and we were both adopted by the same charitable lady. Her statement doesnt make a lick of sense, mother is at home. She constantly tries to insist she's my mother after all of the above and more I can't even go into here.

## If I knew all it's take was coming out as trans for hee to disown me, I would have much sooner. Soon than I did. She'll forget this in less than six months likely. Because I'm not important enough to expend memory on. I'm marginally okay with this.

#long post #personal #vent #transphobia and homophobia mentions #reasons why i hate my family #heres hoping the readmore works

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