#one that I don't think is a standard area of acne for most people? not that I've discussed it w people but | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rimurutempest-bounced · 5 years

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[Pictured: a trans man with pale skin, short, light brown hair, and clusters of red marks on his skin. He is wearing an olive green tank top and a pair of black corded necklaces. He is smiling at the camera in the first image. The following six images are close ups of various areas around the sides of his face, neck, shoulders, chest, and back, bringing attention to many more red marks.]

It's July 1st, 2019(technically it's the 1nd now, but I'm considering this the first) and there's 3 months between now and dermatillomania awareness day/the start of BFRB awareness week.

Today I feel like sharing my current marks, scabs, and scars caused by my picking.

Many of them are sore and uncomfortable, and even the ones that aren't do get in the way of some clothing and activities like shaving. They also make me feel uncomfortable and ashamed about going outside or being seen by most people.

I've been struggling with this since I was in middle school: around two decades now. For a while, I was able to concentrate much of my compulsion to pick on inanimate objects like blankets or clothes, but that made a horrible mess and damaged those items, which can be expensive or impossible to replace. (I actually had the blanket picking behaviour before I started on my skin, and got in trouble for it often for making a mess or ruining special blankets.)

When I started developing acne, I already had internalized the shame and disgust for it that is commonplace in our society. I understood that people were supposed to pop pimples and blackheads, so I started doing that. And then I couldn't stop.

I hated it, and it hurt, and I was so ashamed of my scars and sores. It only made the acne worse, of course, so it only made me more ashamed of that too, but I HAD to keep doing it.

I tried so many times to stop. I still do. It's worse when I've just cut my nails. I usually let them get too long(which leads to accidental more injuries to myself and others, heightened dysphoria, and of course is not very hygienic in general) because I am afraid of the picking I'll do as soon as I trim them.

When they're short, the picking is more satisfying. I can feel what I'm doing better. It's disgusting. Even when I notice I'm doing it, I can't get myself to just stop by willpower.

To me, it feels like a form of self harm at times. I've had people dismiss that analysis. I'd like to do so myself, but I know there are times when I use it as punishment, or as a means of dealing with emotional numbness.

It's not the only reason I do it, but it is a factor.

I'm ashamed and weary of doing this. I'm worried I'll wind up with a dangerous infection one day from an open sore. I'm irritated with myself and impatient to stop.

I don't really have a positive message to add here. I wish I did. I think that's my hope for this post:

Maybe in 3 months, I can look back on this post and see an improvement. Maybe next year, I'll have been more successful at curbing the behaviour and recovering. Maybe I'll be free of this by the time I'm 30.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Why do people tell children to hate their acne? That they're ugly and disgusting for having it? It makes them unpopular and they should bend over backwards to be rid of it?

It's been 20 years and I'm still damaging my body and hating myself because millions of people convinced me as a child that I had to hate that part of myself and no one would love me or find me desirable or attractive if I had acne.

I know that's not true. I have friends and a husband who love me and remind me that I'm not ugly and disgusting to look at. My smile makes them smile. My skin is still soft to the touch in most places and I give good hugs. My husband wants me and I like most of my selfies. I feel mostly good about my appearance!

But I still hate my acne. I still have to pick, as much as I hate it. I still can't leave a pimple or blackhead alone.

I still hurt myself when I notice them, for various reasons, and can't stop. Sometimes someone has to physically move my hands away from the spot I'm picking.

Maybe I would have started doing this regardless of societal shit regarding acne, maybe not. But telling children to hate their skin, for any reason(and there are so many reasons given), will NEVER be okay. It will never result in anything but pain and self loathing, and it will make the kids lucky enough to have "perfect", smooth, pale skin grow into the sorts of people that ostracize kids with "undesirable" skin.

It's a vicious cycle and it NEEDS to be broken. Stop making children ashamed of themselves. Stop telling children to shame each other.

I'm lucky enough to have soft, pale skin, even if it's riddled with acne, scars, and angry, fresh, red marks. I know it would have been so much worse to grow up with acne and darker skin. I know how much more kids with dark skin have to struggle to be respected and accepted, especially when their skin is also too oily, too dry, not smooth enough, too hairy, or, yes, broken out in acne. I didn't have to face as much ridicule about my skin as other kids, as other teens, as other adults.

And I can only imagine and sympathize and urge people to please think of these kids.

Stop hurting children with these standards. Stop encouraging people to hurt themselves.

We should be able to look in the mirror and love the person we see! That's us! We are worthy of love and we have no reason to be ashamed! I hope we all get to feel that way one day.

When that day comes, I hope it lasts the rest of our lives.

#dermatillomania #body focused repetative behaviours #skin picking #acne #bullying #racism mention #colorism mention #self harm mention #ask to tag #gpoy #selfie #long post #misgender me and die

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