#but I felt a lump in uhhhh a sensitive area

[polygondotcomvideoproducer]

my life is naught but a cycle of *hopes that's nothing* *hopes that's nothing* *hopes that'll go away on its own* *hopes that's nothing* *hopes that nothing will come of that for a long time* *hopes that's n

#personal #like one of my ongoing concerns is some tooth stuff I should probably see a dentist about #some back and hand stuff that would probably be improved by less time in the desk chair and more time doin stretches #but the one of the past half hour is uh #slightly gross so feel free not to read. like this is just a vent post really #but I felt a lump in uhhhh a sensitive area #one that I don't think is a standard area of acne for most people? not that I've discussed it w people but #it is an area I've gotten acne in for sure #but it felt. uh. a lil different ig #it burst kinda like a pimple. but I'm paranoid #not only bc it was big and in a weird area #but also bc now I'm feeling lightheaded on and off #could be unrelated. just seems weird that i only started feeling faint after bursting that thang and like #even if they're unrelated and being faint will pass. I still feel a mass under there #god I hope it's just acne brewing #I'm already behind on work just on account of being fucking incapable of doing anything but Fuck All #can't really afford a medical issue rn #I mean in a financial sense I can afford it it's fine we got the nhs #it's just that I do not know how to book doctor's appointment and I'm living w my parents #so I'd have to tell them about it and aaaaaaaahhhhhh #so it had damn well better go away #be nothing. or else 👊 #my body shouldn't play these games of chicken with me I'll let us die to avoid being an inconvenience motherfucker #update from like an hour or two later: it's already starting to go away. the power of Not Worrying About It

[helpimstuckinthewashingmachine]

Tw for blood and acne mention but this is so gross yet fascinating to me 😭 I need to research it honestly but I have cystic acne, I'm going to be 20 this year and it's only just starting to clear up, and that's mostly because I have a consistent skincare routine. It's not the worst case in the world but it's left scarring across my face, arms, back etc and is regularly irritating and distracting. I am also in the process of self diagnosing with autism, though I am planning in future to get an official test and examination done in order to get educational and financial benefits while I'm a student and in order to understand myself better, and one of the stims I believe I have is skin picking (if its not a stim it's def an anxiety thing to relieve tension lol) so any bump or vaguely spot/blackhead like mark on my skin gets squeezed, picked at, or scratched until its red or bleeding and I do this subconsciously while I'm anxious or focusing on something else (lichrally just caught myself doing it while writing this post helpppp 😭). Sometimes I get a particularly large cystic spot that I pop without question, usually on my back/shoulders but also sometimes on my face, and usually after popping it it either goes away, scars, or forms a second smaller cyst that's just filled with blood. It's really gross but not painful or sensitive like the previous cyst and if I pop it, it will bleed then eventually heal and leave a darkish scar. I can't remember getting a large acne cyst on my right cheek anytime recently but I must have squeezed something in a way my skin wasn't happy with bc about a week ago I noticed one of these blood-filled cysts was forming. It was fairly deep under the skin but you could see a purplish shadow and it was slightly swollen. It became more swollen over a few days and when I poked it it felt squishy and I became convinced that if I left it it would not heal but fill up more and cause a huge lump to appear on my face. So I started picking at it by scratching the skin and gently squeezing and did this whenever I was distracted. About an hour ago(?) I peeled off some dry skin from around the area that had probably been loosened by the scratching and was watching tiktoks while picking, when I popped it. Literally was doing it so subconsciously that I was surprised by my hand being suddenly splattered with blood.. and the feeling of blood dripping down my face. I mean.... it was kinda satisfying but also gross as hell so I got a tissue and wiped up the blood, and tried to gently squeeze as much out as I could so it wouldn't actively bleed. I've now covered that tissue w my blood and put a plaster on my face but like... its so crazy to me that my body just does that. It just makes a pouch in my skin that it fills w the stuff that keeps me alive for seemingly no reason??? But anyways I'm now scared that I'm gonna have a dark scar abt 5mm wide in the middle of my cheek 😔 it will probably happen but luckily I've got a really good barrier repair cream (la Roche posay's cicaplast balm) that gets rid of acne scarring, and when I get payed i might get The Ordinary's rose hip oil which has retinol, which both repairs and brightens skin. I'd use vitamin C but it always has a really bad reaction with my skin, causing burning and breakouts so uhhhh yea. Anyways rant over gn <3

#rant #Maddys talking again #blood #ignore #gross girl moment