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its-me-jessi · 3 years

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Love Finds Its Way PT4

Summary: Preventing Ivar from joining the crew even if well intended might eventually backfire and Ivar's presence brings back not so pleasant memories.

A/N: I hope you like the fourth part of “Love finds its Way” as well. It turned out much longer than the previous parts. Feel free to leave any kind of feedback. 🤗🧡

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 5

I turned around quickly and adjusted my pirate hat so that it casts shadows over my face. Ivar knew me too well; he would recognize my face immediately. I had no choice but to hide it. But if he had already recognized me, I would be hamstrung, my cover would be blown in front of the entire crew, including the captain, and my plan to find my parents, while forgetting Ivar and leaving the time with him behind, would burst like a bubble. Then the procedure would start all over again.

I was shocked when a hand landed rudely on my right shoulder. Ever since I pretended to be a man, I was treated accordingly. A handshake was no longer a harmless handshake, it was a test of strength. My dainty, rather small hand was gripped and pressed; crushed ruthlessly. It was not uncommon for the men to make fun of my small hands. For them, I was the undersized wimp. As an actual woman, I found it difficult to keep up with them.

I had raised my head slowly and cautiously. I grabbed the brim of my pirate hat and raised it, as a sign of respect, before tilting it again. When the captain stepped past me and went to the crew's table, unmistakably full of meat and pitchers of rum, I sighed in relief. At first I was afraid the captain's hand was originally Ivar's, who might have recognized me. However, my hope that Ivar had decided against this step, joining the piracy or that the captain had refused him, vanished when I saw him follow the captain to the crew.

Our crew was complete, we didn't need another man, which is why I was quite optimistic about Ivar getting rejected, but he had tremendous stamina. When he got something on his mind, he held onto it, no matter how difficult it was, and even if it took a long time for him to achieve. There was hardly anything that he did not claim for himself. Whatever he had done to win the captain over, he was now part of the crew, which meant he would be at sea with us for a long time, on board of a small, overseeable ship that didn't provide much room for a hideaway. Ivar and I would often run into each other and I had the feeling that it would cause a lot of problems. One thing was set as if engraved on stone tablets, I would never be able to forget him. On the contrary, his presence would arouse feelings I had repressed for a long time. It was already difficult for me to keep my distance. It had been two years since I was close to him, let alone exchanged a word with him and I longed for it. Especially now since I saw him physically standing right in front of me.

"Everybody, listen up!", The captain spoke with a raised voice and the laughter of the crew instantly ceased. He grabbed Ivar by the shoulder and squeezed it firmly as he announced the news, “From today on this landlubber here will be part of the crew. He will sail the seas with us, fight, capture and plunder under our flag. - We're well staffed, but we'd definitely like to welcome adventurous, daring youngsters on board of the Rubin, wouldn't we?”, after listening to the captain’s speech, the crew bursts out laughing and roaring, excluding me. If I had the chance to, I would have immediately got him out of trouble. "You are now outlawed, boy - the freedom of the seas lies ahead of you, enjoy it as long as you can!" The captain laughed scornfully.

"Captain!" I cleared my throat. Now I had to sound convincing and at the same time manly enough not to make Ivar prick up his ears. As if it wasn't difficult enough. One crooked tone and my cover would be blown, this time not only in front of the crew, but also in front of Ivar. It was extremely risky to ask for a hearing in this situation, I knew that, but I could no longer stand aside and do nothing.

Since I hardly ever spoke to the captain, he was all the more surprised that I was now standing directly in front of him. My heart sank to my boots as I felt the eyes of the entire crew in me, including Ivar’s and the captain’s. The last time I got so much attention was when I was introduced to the crew and even then, I felt uneasy. I swallowed hard, before I eventually proclaimed my request: “We're already overstaffed, captain! Our supplies are just enough for the crew. In addition, he would just stand in the way, there is no task left that he could take on. That's only wasted supplies, space, and spoil. After all, he is one man more who is eligible of a part of the treasures.", I tried hard to remain standing confidently in front of him. I had never questioned any of the captain's decisions. Under other circumstances I would have held myself back this time too, but the thought of Ivar made me push my limits, especially since I didn't know what he was up to. It could not only harm the crew, who had grown dear to my heart after the long time I’ve sailed with them, but also Ivar himself and I wanted to prevent that.

The captain laughed. He must take me for a joke figure. Taking deep breaths in and out, I tried to stand firmly. The smell of alcohol rises to my nose, no wonder, most of the sailors here were no longer even able to hold their jug upright. At the smell, I felt the rare need to take a sip, to use a bit Dutch courage. "Very true! We are indeed overstaffed, we don't have enough supplies and, as you already said, the ship has no space for another sailor.”, He scratched his braided beard, “I have a better idea! How about him taking your place?”

I did not expect that kind of reaction. Instead of preventing Ivar from joining the piracy, I provoked my own expulsion. My plan threatened to fail miserably. Without a pirate crew there would be no clue to the whereabouts of my family and without a ship I had no means of transportation. I had risked all of that without thinking.

I clenched my teeth with anger. I was now in trouble and I was mad, mad at myself and my own stupidity. “What do you think,” the captain grabbed my shoulders and turned me to Ivar, “which of you two would really be an enrichment to the crew? Obviously, he's not such a wimp (here we go again) like you!”

I bowed my head. First, to avoid Ivar's eyes, and second, because I knew he was right. Ivar was strong, much stronger than an obscure kid like me. I only took care of the inventory and medical care of the men. In the beginning I also participated in fights. I knew how to use a sword, I had secretly taught myself to do it at night behind a bar, but my problem was, I couldn’t, and I didn't want to kill. A human life was far too valuable. How can you sacrifice someone's existence so senselessly? I didn't understand and I never wanted to.

“I'm sure there will be enough space for both of us!”, Ivar said. His voice sounded like music to my ears. The words "I look forward to it", which he had whispered in my ear in that deep male voice, came to my mind and again, a pleasant tingling sensation went through my body that caused my eyes to close for a brief moment. With a smile on my face, I enjoyed the pleasant, warm feeling.

Ivar had reached out a hand, hoping for a forgiving handshake and was waiting for me to shake it, but I didn’t. He was taken aback when I didn't return the handshake and just nodded politely instead. I would have loved to return the gesture, but I preferred to play it safe. During my absence he had surely met some women, maybe it’s been way more easier for him to forget me and all we had, than it was for me, but that still did not assure me that he did not remember my little hands. To be honest, I was hoping he'd remember at least a tiny little thing about me, even though he had every right to want to forget me. After all, I disappeared from his life without a word. Every day I imagined what would have happened if I had stayed, if I had just not paid so much attention to the conversation between him and our foster parents. Each time a different variant of our future came to my mind. Would we be married? Would we already have a child, a young son, or a young daughter? I sometimes imagined us teaching our child how to walk in the meadow in front of the yard, where the cows grazed in the afternoons. If it fell down, it would laugh, and his or her light blue eyes would shine with joy. I was sure our child would have Ivar's eyes.

Whenever I imagined our future like this, I regretted what I had done back then, but then the negative thoughts reminded me of why I had acted the way I did.

I waited longingly for Ivar to return from the market. I always felt overjoyed when I got to see him again after such a long day, but on that evening, I was overflowing with happiness and bliss. After we had finally confessed our feelings to each other and got together, I couldn't wait to feel him in my arms again. I wanted to be enveloped in his body heat and scent again as soon as possible. I wanted to bury my hands in his hair when we kissed. Just the thought of the feeling of his lips on mine made me melt away. They were so warm, soft, and clung to mine as if they were made for each other. After only one time I was already addicted to them, to him. I could hardly wait for him to come back.

It was already getting dark outside. I stood in front of the kitchen window, out of excitement completely forgetting about dinner, and watched the clouds as they rolled by the orange-pink coloured sky. Meanwhile I daydreamed about no less than Ivar to sweeten up the waiting time. I couldn't wait for the daydreams to come true.

When I saw him turn the corner, I was about to open the window and call him. My longing was almost unbearable. But before I could even utter a sound, our foster mother's voice rang out. She sounded extremely worried, and she must have been if she couldn't even wait for Ivar to enter the house. People nearby also took notice of my foster mother's calls and watched the scene for a brief moment before they went back to their own business. Normally Ivar would have come to me first. He would have told me briefly about the events that took place at the market, which were sometimes more and sometimes less exciting, and I told him what had happened on the farm while he was away. He then entered the house, disclosed the revenues to our father, and afterwards the two of them sat down together at the dining table and discussed the following morning schedule before the food was served. Tonight, everything was different. Ivar also noticed our foster mother’s concern and eventually he started to run.

I wondered what it was, that threw our mother in such a turmoil and I wanted to help her, just like she had helped us when Ivar and I were standing completely soaked to the bones and freezing in front of her door and she still took us in not hesitating for even a second. She was always there for us and I tried every day to prove myself grateful for everything she did for us.

I put out the fire of the hearth so that our dinner did not suffer even more damage than it had already suffered because of my dreaminess. To look for my foster mother, I left the kitchen, but stopped halfway and hid behind the door frame that separated the kitchen from the hallway and dining area. Astonished, I listened to the conversation that my mother was having with Ivar. "Look, my son!", Elisabeth, our foster-mother, referred to the article that covered the entire front page of the daily newspaper, "There are important news from the royal family. Your mother, Queen Aslaug, gave birth to a son, your brother!". Queen? I knew he came from a wealthy family, which the noble clothes he wore back then revealed, but I didn't know he came from a royal background. Ivar had never spoken about it, at least not to me. That must be a misunderstanding. Come on, Ivar, say something. My hands grabbed the fabric of the apron I was wearing as I listened tensely to the conversation, which was never meant for my ears.

For a short time, it was quiet in the hallway. Everyone fell silent, including Ivar, even after reading the article carefully he uttered not even a single word. "Ivar!", Elisabeth exclaimed indignantly, as Ivar pushed the newspaper aside and fetched the bag with the money, as if he wanted to move on with the usual daily routine and without paying any more attention to the article. "You can't live like this forever, here with us, on the farm and working for us! You are a prince, you belong to the royal family!", she preached to him, as he emptied out the bag on the table, completely lost in thoughts, and the clattering of the thalers drowned out some of Elizabeth's words. "I'm not going anywhere! My home is right here, you're my home and I'm won’t abandon you", he said, raising his gaze. He looked firmly at Elisabeth and Helge, our foster father. “With the child, the succession to the throne is now taken care of, there is no reason left for me to return!", Ivar said. "You are the child of the first marriage! The son of the once reigning king, to whom everyone looked up! Do not allow your father’s inheritance to go to waste and take the place that you are entitled to, as the legitimate successor of your father!" Elisabeth argued. She just meant well for him. She always wanted only the best for us. "I will never set a foot in that castle again! I will never forgive my mother for replacing my father without further ado! She hasn’t sent out one single ship for us!". I peeped from behind the door frame to Ivar. His eyes reflected the anger and the disappointment as well as the pain that he felt. At that moment I realized where his sleepless nights came from. He had such an infinite burden to bear, the burden associated with the death of his father and that of the rest of his family, for which I felt partly responsible. If only all of this hadn’t happened. His father would still be alive if my father had not attacked him and Ivar would have been in his rightful place, perhaps even king by now.

Now, since I knew that Ivar was not just a noble man, but a prince, I felt very different. My joy was blown away and what remained was the feeling of loss. I did not belong to the higher class. My mother worked as a cook and my father was a pirate. I was the daughter of a pirate, the pirate, because of who Ivars farther, the king, died. So, our relationship was star-crossed. Our future together, which I have always longed for, would remain a dream forever. A relationship between a prince like him and a woman of the lower class like me would never come to a happy end, only to an end full of sorrow and pain. If I couldn't spare him the death of his father, couldn't take away the pain of the past, I wanted to spare him at least all the pain of the future.

"Ivar, keep your father in mind! Do it for him. I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted anyone but you as his successor!", because of the ongoing heated discussion, all three of them were distracted enough for me to sneak into my room unnoticed. I sighed deeply as I closed the door behind me. I remembered the morning. I've never been as happy as when he confessed his feelings to me. The memory of the following kiss brought tears to my eyes. The sad thing was not the kiss, it was the thought that it would be the last one. From an early age, I abhorred goodbyes, but none of them hurt as much as saying goodbye to my one and only great love. I have to go, and I have to hurry before they notice me. Just as the tears were threatening to fall, I wiped them out of my eyes. I didn't own many things, so, that saved me from having to carry heavy luggage. I just reached for my cape that was lying on my bed. As I hung it around my shoulders and as I let my eyes wander around my little chamber, a shell catched my eye. The Arcida shell has a unique shape and I liked it very much, even more because it was a gift from Ivar. One day Ivar found the shell entangled in the fishing net and he decided to gift it to me. "Look what I caught, just for you!", he had said as he presented the shell.

I took my only keepsake of him and carefully put it in the little bag I always carried around my hip. In this bag I usually kept several variations of medicinal herbs, which I, if necessary, administered to the animals, such as mint for maldigestion.

Not only bidding farewell to Ivar, but also to my foster parents was extremely difficult for me. They raised me like their own child, taught me important life lessons, loved me, and stood by my side throughout my life. I couldn't have wished for better foster parents and I would be grateful forever. I hoped I’d someday get the chance to see them again.

Before I finally left the house and the people I loved behind, I took my pen and ink and wrote a letter to Elisabeth, Helge, and Ivar. In the end, I didn't have the heart to leave without saying goodbye to them.

Dear Mother, Dear Father

I'm terribly sorry and I wish I could stay, but I have to go.

I thank you with all my heart for everything you had done for me. You have always been there for me, you have never rejected me, even though you knew where I came from.

I have found a new home and a family in you and I will be grateful forever.

Thank you for everything and may God protect you

In Love Y/N

While I was writing the letter, I couldn't choke back my tears. They ran down my cheeks, but before they could drip on the paper, I quickly wiped them away.

My beloved Ivar

I remember the day we met as if it were yesterday. I thank God for placing you on my way, I just wish it would have been a different occasion that led us to each other.

Ivar, please don't get me wrong, I love you with all my heart, but I fear our love will not have a future. Our destiny is too different.

I know you are destined for greatness and I ask you to promise me that you will follow your destiny, I firmly believe you will succeed. Your father would be proud of you!

I wish you all the best of the future and may God always accompany you on your way.

In Love Y/N

Quickly I wrote the letter addressed to Ivar before stepping out of the window into the darkness. The sun had set about three-quarters of an hour ago. Only the light of the moon and the stars guided me through the darkness.

One last time I looked back before I started running. It’s only a matter of time until someone would notice that I was gone, so I had to hurry up. I didn’t know where I was supposed to run, I hadn't thought about it yet. I just tried to get away as soon as possible, so I ran as far as I could in that short amount of time.

After a while I found myself at the harbor. The wind howled and spread ice cold air. The waves hit the ships, causing them to shake. I stood in the middle of the impending storm, trembling in the cold, looking for a refuge. Trying to shield myself from the cold wind, I covered my upper arms and walked along the harbor. I listened to the sound of the sea and the salty smell of the sea reached my nostrils.

If I kept staying there, in the exact same city, Ivar would sooner or later find me and I knew that if I saw him again, I couldn't bring myself to leave him again. Consequently, I had to leave the city as soon as possible. Coincidentally, I became aware of how some men were constantly carrying boxes on board of a ship. Individual men on deck readied the ship for departure, which implied that this ship would soon be running out of port. This was my chance. So, I grabbed it without thinking too much about it and mingled with the men carrying heavy wooden boxes who gradually boarded. This was the second time I boarded a ship without permission, but this time I made sure it wasn't a pirate ship. It was a merchant ship, which I recognized by the infinite variations of goods. From rare fabrics through to exotic spices, they had everything. The ship would go to several mercantile cities and I decided to jump ship after arriving at the next port.

Before I knew what was happening, the ship had already left the harbor and I officially left everything I connected with the small town behind and sailed towards a new stage of life.

Thank you so so much for reading! Stay safe!😇🧡

Tagged: @youbloodymadgenius @heavenly1927 @curvynerdfan @xvxcarolinexvx

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