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cryptramesses · 1 year

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Lore Dump - She Who Held Little Sweetness

I've seen many tales of mothers who were beloved by their next of kin. In fact I'd say it's the norm. People recall sweetly their mother and how much she coddled and loved them, but for me it was a bit more complicated. I never hated my mother, but at the same time I never loved her.

What few people don't realize is that I had an older brother. Maybe one day I'll talk about him, but being effectively sandwiched between him and two younger sisters meant that I was often the forgotten child for a good portion of my life. Granted it wasn't a large portion of my life, but it certainly didn't feel small either.

Many people forget how long time feels when you're young. The lack of perception of what seconds, minutes, hours, or days really are - or at least what the manufactured concept entails - means that inevitably all that occurred before you began to solidly grasp what time is and compartmentalize it was really just one long train of thought. It never ends, it never pauses, and it continues on infinitely. Dreams bleed into reality, your emotions become true fact no matter how misguided, and most troublesome of all waiting feels like an eternity.

As such even though I know the first 13 years of my life, being forgotten time and time again, pales in comparison to the remaining 87 or so where I was so highly revered and recalled with ease, it still makes it difficult to say that such a time was not a long time. I don't know if that's just a psychological effect of some mild trauma (can that even be considered trauma? I'm not totally sure) which makes it feel like I endured much longer than I did, or the lack of a fluid concept of time until my early teenage years, but regardless of the reason it's hard to shrug it all off.

As such I can't say I loved my mother. But at the same time I was never beaten. I was never abused verbally or physically. I can't confirm or deny what lay behind closed doors of course, but I can say with certainty that in my presence I was treated well. Now I understand that to many the rich, well off, and wealthy do not deserve sympathy - I can understand that. I was always the type to be extremely conscious of the inherited prosperity of my life. I did not earn my wealth, I know this for a fact, but I tried to at least do good with the hand I was dealt and bring honor upon my kingdom, people, and the Gods.

Yet when your mother isn't the one to care for you, instead a myriad of impersonal servants, it may seem like a baby with a golden spoon crying over nothing - but I assure the emotional neglect was most likely definitely there. I never had to cry about food or a home, in fact the ideas of poverty were practically impossible for me to comprehend. That sort of thing is something I never had to worry about, until I witnessed it in others first hand and had to practice the empathy I taught myself, empathy that many around me so clearly lacked. (The Us versus Them mentality did not arise in modern day, it existed back then too; I am lucky I saw the flaw in such logic)

"Ramesses," You may be thinking, "Where is this going? What does bringing up your servants and mother's absence have to do with anything outside of why you feel the way you do?"

Well astute reader, thanks for the question, but I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Remember the siblings I mentioned before? Myself, my sisters, and my older brother, that was the majority of my full blood family. I had a multitude of half-blood relatives of course, polyamory was extremely common back then and even encouraged(yes even the Pharaoh's wives were in relationships outside of the Pharaoh, it was not uncommon - and yes even the Pharaoh had husbands more often than not; sexuality was as fluid as water back in these days), but mothers were usually responsible for their own children.

My mother was the queen, though, which meant she didn't need to be the one responsible for us. Her personality could best be described as cat-like... but without the affection. She was cold, distant, self fulfilling, and powerful. These traits aren't bad by any means, but knowing what I know now, they weren't conducive to being a good mother.

She would hand off me and my sisters off to servants to care for. These servants would rotate often and due to my father's paranoia, were hardly around for long. Now I don't mean they were executed, please don't get the wrong idea. I don't blame you for assuming such a thing, I did too. In fact when I eventually ascended to the throne and become Pharaoh myself, I expected to be met with scroll after scroll detailing the execution of all the servants who tended to me and my siblings, only to find no such thing. Instead they were either terminated of their position, transferred to some other estate, or moved elsewhere within my father's vast network of properties throughout the kingdom and even in other nations.

You can imagine my relief when finding that out I'm sure. But this made quite the predicament. This meant that we, as children, never bonded with our servants. We never received a mother, or really a father, figure in our lives. This led to... well... a lot of confusion. Children lean on their parents to teach them a lot. It's a miracle I turned out even remotely morally sound, although even I doubt my morality, but I wonder if I was so self-conscious about this topic that I didn't let myself slip beyond even the bare bones of the gray area of morality. I wanted to be known as the 'good guy' so badly, and now I'm thinking that maybe that was a bit of a mistake. It led to an, overall, dissatisfying life filled with hidden vices and personal let downs. But that's besides the point here.

My sisters were not as heavy adherent to the straight and narrow due to this absentee style of parenting. They got into fights, stole from people, and were often known for causing trouble. They weren't bad girls, quite the opposite. They were friendly in all ways. But at the same time, my own gullibility led to them very quickly throwing me to the crocodiles when things went wrong. They went wrong often in fact. It didn't take a lot for my paranoid and, rather smart, father to figure out the truth of course, but not after I had already been scolded for an hour or so.

He wised up to their antics around my 10th birthday or so. Shock it took him a decade, but he had far more pressing issues on his hand than his children.

You may notice, however, that one person is missing from this cast of characters however. I've mentioned my mother, my father, my sisters, and myself; but what of my brother. I did have an older brother. As you can imagine from the history books, he did not live beyond my father, after all I was the one to succeed Pharaoh Seti when he passed. When my brother was alive, however, he was practically smothered by my mother.

He was the crown prince. He was the one who was trained personally by my father since birth. He was the one that everyone believed would become Pharaoh one day. He was the golden child. I do not blame my mother for loving him more and providing him more one-on-one attention; yet at the same time I can't say I wasn't jealous. I mean who wouldn't be jealous? It made me even more jealous when my brother would vent and lament to me about how she was all over him all the time.

I would always bite my tongue however. I don't know why I did at the time. Whether it was playing in the riverbed, splashing in the river, or running through the city and causing innocent trouble in the temples and markets, his complaints always earned a sympathetic ear. I feel like most people would've yelled at him, called him insensitive, voiced their jealousy, but I think even back then I didn't blame him. I think I was too busy blaming myself, although now I've realized that too was wrong and stupid, but I was a kid. I can't really hold myself accountable to that.

My brother did not live long. You all know this... He eventually has to perish and perish he did. To this day I don't know what he had, I can only speculate. Disease took him, and while I know he would've left eventually to wander towards the west in search of the hall of Judgement just as I did, I know I did little to help except hurry out the door. What I mean by that will be a story for another day, if I feel well enough to unload my own consciousness one day; but I don't know if that will come. Then again, I am undead, I have all the time in the worlds.

When he did die though, things changed. The crown prince was gone, and just like the winds carry away the sands, so too did they wear away his name. Very few remember him, which saddens me even more. He was my best friend, and yet we mourned only for four months before the world moved on. The Kingdom stopped caring, and it seemed like I was the only one still honoring his memory. I honored his memory until old age was cruel enough to take even him away from me. What a cruel fate his memory has, with the only person to remember him barely able to even recall his names.

But I'm getting off track again. My mother began to give my attention after this point. I am ashamed to say I did not accept it. After the death of my brother, and the knowledge that she was using me to essentially replace him, even going to far as to suggest adding his birth name onto my long list of pre-existing names as if he had never existed and I was him all along, I didn't really feel clean enough to accept her attention.

Already there was guilt with my brother's death, now more guilt was added onto the pile with me being seen as his replacement. My father, on the other hand, did the exact opposite. We had sweet moments, but for the most part it was strictly business. My mother did everything in her power to grow closer to me, being sickeningly sweet all the while, but I kept her at arms length.

"I did so much for you, don't you remember all the times we played together? All the times I straightened your clothes? All the times I took you to see your friend in the market?"

Her words rang hollow for that wasn't me she did all those things with but my brother. Me and him did not look too dissimilar. Put us side by side and the differences were very obvious. My hair was slightly lighter than his. My eyes were a slightly more varied hue. Our complexions, while the same, still revealed the telling signs that at the time of his life I was far more interested in intellectual pursuits than physical ones. To this day I am still much more of a reader than a fighter, although I do fit comfortably into both categories(though I doubt my decayed body will handle fighting very well anymore). Most damning of all however was the fact that I was significantly taller than him! When I say I was taller than him I mean I was an absolute behemoth!

You see mummification would lead one to believe I am a mere 170 centimeters, that's 5'7" for those few who use the other system -- being brought back from the dead, however, has reduced my height even further such so I now stand, comfortably, at 165 centimeters, or 5'4". When I was alive and at my peak, though, I'd estimate I was closer to 182 centimeters, or 6'. My brother was a bit shorter than me. By that I mean he came up to my chest and I made a big fuss of leaning on him to brag about it.

He did not take kindly to it and the last interaction we had was of him playfully scolding me, saying that a Pharaoh's younger brother shouldn't be teasing him so. He was right, but he wasn't Pharaoh yet, so I was going to have my fun whether he liked it or not.

Yet at the same time when we were apart, it was easy to get us confused if you didn't know us. It was an easy misconception, our faces looked very much the same, and our outward demeanor around strangers was identical. How we wrote, held ourselves, talked, and fought were also very close to each other. We had enough mental spars with each other that we even solved problems similarly. We were practically glued at the hip for a lot of his life, until he began going on campaigns with my father, the first of which being most likely where he contracted his illness from.

Yet my mother, who gave birth to each of us, should've known immediately the difference between me and him. Yet she made a big deal of pretending he never existed, and instead I was him, and he was me. This did the opposite of what I think her misunderstanding mind would've anticipated of the outcome. I grew even more distant after this, and held her even further away from me from hereon.

When she too inevitably died, I felt guilt. Yet at the same time I knew my true feelings. Unlike when my father passed away a few years before, I wept when I was behind closed doors. At her burial, however, I felt no inclination for sorrow. Maybe it was because I was much older, having been a reigning Pharaoh for a few years. Maybe it was because my partners were with me, with my right hand man, my husband, being immediately to my right. He was always my rock during tragedies, and this was no different as he stood respectfully by my side, ready to provide any support I needed. Maybe it was because I was all cried out by that point in my life, there was enough tragedy and mourning and this was the breaking point. I am unsure.

What I am sure of is that I do feel a little guilty, but at the same time I don't think I would've changed anything. I had 3000 years to seek her out in Aaru and I never did. I do not know if she is there or not, and moreover I do not know if she would've even wanted to see me. I did see my father once, but only for a brief exchange where he wished me luck and told me he was proud of me. He also informed me my brother was well, and that he wished to see me and wasn't mad, but it was ultimately my choice. But my mother? She never appeared before me and never offered to spend an evening with me.

I never did see my brother in Aaru, but then again most people in my life I didn't seek out. I let them find me. I suppose that was my bad... But all the same I don't think she would've wanted to see me either.

It's for the best in the end, I suppose.

#lore #cryptramesses #mother #vent #kemet #kemetism #fiction #horror #vtuber

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interstellarre · 3 years

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Delve In The Depths. Chapter II.

Word Count. 1.5k

a/n. Just a quick btw, Meno gave Xiao the nickname "Emerald duck" because emerald ducks have greenish teal stripes on their heads and Xiao has teal undertones in his hair.

Trigger Warnings. Mentions of death and violence

Series Masterlist

Chapter II.

Again and again these waves crash over Xiao's subconscious. Riptides of lost human dreams, the tsunamis of guilt, and the eons of pain build each other up, growing larger as they drown him in endless suffering. Waves of black vapor cloud his person. He clutches his mask

He can hear their screams now as he writhes on the top floor of Wangshu Inn in agony, barely supporting the weight of his body with his arms leaning on the balcony rails.

"Xiao, Xiao!" he turns his head to see Verr Goldet franticly searching for him.

"There's someone downstairs, the-they, Verr Goldet stutters on her words, waving her arms around unlike her usual composed self.

Xiao doesn't wait for to finish, he grabs his pole arm by reflex prepared to strike the threat down.

Instead he's met with a person grappling with pain on the floor.

"Why slime condensate exactly?"

"Hm?" Xiangling gives you a genuinely confused look despite it not exactly being the social norm to add slime liquids to a meal. She was climbing up a sandbearer tree. The striped squirrels on the ground scatter upon her arrival.

"What gave you the idea to add slime into your dishes?" you clarify, trying not to come off as rude. Tossing the wicker basket between your hands as a form of entertainment while your culinary friend ducked her head underneath a branch.

The trees ruffle and flocks of crimson flinches and golden flinches fly off to the sky as Xiangling forages around in the tree branches for bird eggs.

"What gave you the idea that not everything is edible?" she playfully teases, now placing bird eggs by sets of two in the basket she previously gave you in Wanmin Restaurant.

You giggle, covering your hands with your mouth. She motions for you to put the basket down and come over while she grabs you by the shoulders ("Don't you dare-") and hops down. Unfortunately, you aren't heavy enough to support her body weight when she jumps down with her full force.

"Ugh!" you groan as you both tumble down to the floor. You raise a hand to your head and cover your forehead. "Was that really necessary?" you sigh, already far too used to her antics. She snickers.

As you regain your footing, you ask, "How far along are we exactly? My mother will have an aneurysm if we step foot in Moon City.*" Xiangling had already run off, and with the basket no doubt.

You look to your right and find her by the lake counting hydro slimes behind a crack between a few slabs of stone. You crouch down besides her. Her charcoal hair brushes against your mulberry silk skirt.

"1,2,3,4." Yes! this is definitely enough for my new dish!" she pumps her fist in the air.

You don't remember there being a lake to the far right in the places your mother told you to stick to.

"Let me guess," you strike a thinking pose, you want me to set up a new shop here for your new culinary competition?" you sarcastically muse.

She rolls her eyes. "No, silly I-," she stops at your amused expression. "Ah- well go on than."

You reach your arm to summon your now unsheathed dagger attached to the leather belt on your waist, ignoring the long bow and arrows attached on your back and rather choosing a melee weapon,

Standing up from your hiding spot, the group hydro slime flock, well bounce towards you.

The air turns frosty and Xiangling's teeth chatter while she rubs her arms in hopes of warming up. "Don't turn me into a chef popsicle before I get the slime condensate [Name]!"

As you kneel down to slam the stiletto dagger into sand, sharp edged flower patterns appear on the ground. The slimes teeter back at the sound chill between their mass before large icicles spring up, piercing their bodies and turning them into goo.

"Woo!" Xiangling jumps above the rock pile and excitedly cheers. Pumping her arms up. "That's my girl!"

"It was nothing really. What was it you needed next again? Of course after you've collected the slime condensate of course." you stop talking as Xiangling sweeps the slightly frozen slime fluids off the crystals you've created into a glass bottle.

"Well talking about other ingredients, I actually wanted to try something." she mentions with a certain twinkle in her eyes.

"You have my attention." You wave your hand at her to go on.

"You know that cooking competition? The one I had in the Mondstadt with the chef named Brooke?"

"I don't recall you telling me that, can you specify?" racking your brain for memories of Xiangling's rantings about food. You suddenly feel drops of sweat on your back despite not being lukewarm at the very best. It must just be from the excitement from fighting the slimes, you think pushing away your other thoughts on the matter.

"Well anyways, we found this extinct species of boar with the help of the traveler, I believe they're called the honorary knight now?" she taps her chin. "That's besides the point but, anyways, it made me think of the different varieties of possible meat options I could use with different monsters. Can you go with me north of Jueyun Karst with me to find a Stonehide Lawachurl?" She claps her hands together into a begging motion. "Please, Please?"

"Mhm, I'm not sure how fast we can make it there? You didn't hear my question before when I was asking where we were before. I'm planning on packing my bags early when I go home overmorrow." you say counting the possible time it would take you to pack all your belongings. Black spots appear in your vision. You open your mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

"Hmm, I'd say if we're lucky, a few hours? It's lucky that it's still the early morning huh?" Xiangling turned her attention to you from the mushrooms she was picking underneath the trees.

"[Name]?"

She looks over to see you on your knees, black substance withering out of your body. Sweat drips down your forehead.

She frantically shakes you, but your vision has gone black.

"[Name]!"

The blood on Bosacius' arm dripped to the ground creating a thin string trailing only to be diluted by the pouring rain water behind Bosacius and a certain teal haired adeptus. Bosacius gripped his injured arm with his other.

"You need to treat that wound," Xiao said, glaring at his fellow adeptus' wound. He could see the majority of Bosacius bone creeping out of his flesh. A familiar sight.

"Rest assured, I've been in worse state. I just never expect it to hurt as much as it always does," grimaced Bosacius through his smiling expression. The water soaked through his garments and drenched his hair.

"You sound like one of those mortals, trying to fight through their deathly injuries only not to see the next day," replied Xiao looking forward to their destination of Jueyun Karst. He could see the towering peaks getting larger and larger as they move on despite the misty atmosphere.

"We're all too mortal for our liking these days." said Bosacius, his expression unreadable.

The sound of steps softly crushing the blades of grass underneath them and thunder rumbling filled the air while their owners remained silent.

"Have you told Rex Lapis about the constant pain you've been experiencing?" said Xiao, breaking the silence.

Bosacius bit his bottom lip while his working hands, well, what was left of them tensed up. "No, I didn't see the need to bother him. I'm sure he has other pressing matters to attend to now, especially with the incline in aggression from monsters around Liyue Harbor recently. It's strange," The older man looked up to the sky, while Xiao had a distracted look on his face from thinking about the increased monster attacks. "I have yet to figure out the cause behind it."

"I believe Cloud Retainer and Mountain Shaper are free this evening, I'll ask them for their input on the situation later."

They had arrived at Jueyun Karst, the floating island in the middle of the adepti abode was lit up, symbolizing the availability of Cloud Retainer.

"I'd imagine we don't have the need to place an offering in the middle of the lake huh?" Bosacius winks at Xiao. Xiao looks down at the lake, full of ripple currently from the cloudburst. The empty bowl in the middle overflowed with liquid.

Bosacius gave a forced smile at his correct prediction of their fellow adepti's availability. "Well, I suppose it's best for me to head off and find Indarias to heal my wounds."

"That would be for the best." confirmed Xiao

"Thank you for accompanying me for this trip."

Xiao turned his back and Bosacius was gone

"Hey! Emerald duck!"

Xiao swore he heard the inter layers of hell again as he pinched the bridge of his nose

"Oh archons," he cursed under his breath. Menogias tumbled towards him, no grace or posture in her current childlike state.

*Moon City refers to Mondstadt as Mondstadt translates to Moon City in German.

a/n. Incase anyone was wondering the reader's constellation is "The Maiden" or "Virgo". I'm planning on making a character sheet for the reader soon, so watch out for that!

#genshin impact #genshin imagines #genshin xiao #genshin Zhongli #genshin x reader #xiao x reader #childe x reader #la signora #delve into the depths

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