#normal like i'm USED to this level of grief or whatever

[fastcardotmp3]

you are the only person in this fandom i trust to talk about nancy so i just need you to know that during my rewatch i noticed nancy says “bullshit” SEVERAL times in season one, then obviously calls steve/their relationships bullshit at the halloween party in season two, then murray refers to the evidence nancy and jonathan bring him as bullshit (to the general public) and i just feel like that is so delicious to me. like i’m over fics where steve has ptsd related to the word bullshit and i need nancy to reclaim it lmfao

me, trying to proofread my fic all night: I have lost all grasp of the english language I can no longer Read

me, seeing an ask about nancy: OKAY SO-

anyways first of all I'm honored you trust me with nancy but I promise there are plenty of us out here who get her! nancy haters are So Loud about telling on themselves (even when they think they're being subtle) but we are here in our little corner of the fandom where we use our critical thinking skills <3

second of all!! AGREED!!!

steve is out here having been assaulted, tortured, drugged, weighed down by the responsibility over children being threatened by a violent white supremacist etc etc that's not even getting into the MONSTER stuff but people are still making up triggers for him so he can be soothed by (insert man of choice here)

you don't need to do that! you don't need to color Nancy in a light that even Steve "go with Jonathan" Harrington would absolutely not just to see him hurting, I PROMISE. I do it ALL THE TIME. Steve can even be actively heartbroken without him seeing Nancy as some unfeeling bitch of a villain like that is. literally canonically true PLEASE.

I might be wrong but the very first thing I remember Nancy calling bullshit was the fact that no one was hearing her when she said something happened to Barb. THAT'S the canonical origin of her using that word, THAT is Nancy's first moment of looking at the world around her and saying "this isn't right, I can't stand for it, and I'm going to do whatever I have to in order to tear down the facade distracting everyone from what actually matters- that my friend is missing."

Nancy calls bullshit when she and Jonathan are trying to infiltrate the Lab; the evidence that Barb isn't just a runaway is deemed bullshit; the relationship between her parents which makes her feel forced into a box is bullshit; these things that hurt Nancy are bullshit.

Let's look at it from that perspective, huh? Because you know what Nancy was feeling the night she called her relationship with Steve bullshit?

She was feeling hurt. She was lashing out at the thing that was hurting her in that moment and that was the fact that Steve was asking her to try and be normal for a night when she didn't know how.

Only yesterday she was visiting her dead best friend's parents and watching them still trying to find her and she just didn't know how.

Bullshit really isn't a lasting trauma in Steve's story, but have we ever thought that maybe it's a tell in Nancy's? A sign of crumbling walls in the girl who keeps trying to stack them all high enough to read as unaffected when all she's ever doing is trying to survive her own grief and responsibility and fear?

Nancy calls bullshit and her vulnerability slips, her search for justice heightens, her reasonable levels of paranoia intensify.

Nancy calls bullshit because at the end of the day she's still just a teenage girl who will never fit into the boxes anyone wants to put her in whether they be small and delicate or tough and badass.

Nancy calls bullshit because they didn't listen to her about Barb, but one of these days she'll make them.

so yeah, anon, we should definitely let her reclaim it. that's her fucking word, babey 💜

#ask #dot post #nancy wheeler #'god forbid women do anything' except it's just about nancy having An Emotion and expressing it #also me whenever someone says I understand nancy: 🥹 #sorry for the ramble anon but she :(((( <3

[doberbutts]

I have to tell you I adore you and all your fabulous fur babies!

I would like to ask if you can talk about your experience being on t, specifically the mental and emotional aspects of the hrt process. I have read a lot about the physical changes that happen, but I don't see anyone talking about how your personality, mood, energy, etc. change.

Thanks!

Hey thanks!

Honestly while there is a lot of misinformation regarding what testosterone does to your emotions, I feel lucky that my endocrinologist never really said anything except that I may feel wild mood swings or have trouble controlling my anger in the first few months as my body and mind adjusted to the new swing in hormones.

This is pretty normal for any hormone you take- when you first start, you may find yourself experiencing mood swings and feeling emotions more intensely. That's why kids deep into puberty tend to be, um, a bit out of control with their emotions. It's also why this happens again as you age into your twilight years, when your body once again changes its hormone output and can set things a bit out of whack. Or if you get pregnant. Or if you start hormonal birth control. Or if you take a steroid for something not even sex hormone related. Messing with your hormones can seriously throw off your grasp on your feelings and moods.

But the good news is, it's not permenant. By the time you're 5 months in, you should start feeling more like "you" again, unless your dose changes for whatever reason. And, even better, the "you" you feel like? Usually is a much more mentally happy person.

On a personal level, I didn't have random fits of anger. Which is interesting, because I have a documented anger problem that I have taken anger management for because I have had black-out rages [usually inspired by one of my sisters deliberately hurting one of my pets] [for instance she swung one of my pet rats at the wall by the tail like she was going to kill him and the next thing I know our mother is pulling me off of her as I'm pummelling her face with my fists on the ground and I do not remember the in-between] [I'm not sorry, fuck around and find out, don't hurt my animals and I won't hurt you] [also this sister sent me to the ER in a previous fight where she'd bodily picked me up and thrown me through a window so like. Don't feel too bad for her that I finally snapped and gave her a taste of what she constantly did to me]

In fact, I've had *multiple* people who know the "before" and "after" tell me that I'm much calmer and more emotionally steady than I've ever been. And that I'm happier too. I also used to anger-cry a *lot*, pretty much any time I got angry I'd also cry, but that also stopped happening so now I don't really get angry and when I do I don't cry about it.

I would say anxiety's probably about the same but depression is much better. Compared to who I was before leaving my hometown vs now, I can confidently say that I no longer consider the odds of whether my shower curtain rod can hold me for long enough. I'm much better at recognizing when my mental health is getting bad and when I need to take a step back. I get stressed and I can go "okay, I need to break away from this before I completely lose it" well in advance. Which is great! Mental stability and joy and security for the win!

I will say I don't really cry anymore. It does occasionally feel like I'm not really able to. One of Creed's songs came on and I teared up and my throat got all fuzzy but I think only one of two tears actually came out, vs losing him pre-T we're talking ugly cry scream-sobbing in my [now-ex]'s arms. Which, yes, some of it is just distance from the grief since it was two years ago. But also I've never been so in control that I only cried a literal couple tears' worth. Usually the waterworks start and then take a long time to end.

[the-meme-monarch]

If they remade Balan wonderworld but good what changes do you think would be most important

ohh ive had this stewing for a while so it's not just gonna be "what changes would be most important" it will also be some nitpicking

-i think. you could make it a game with no dialogue. i think that'd be novel and cool. but the weird thing is the actual game doesn't really commit to that? balan talks in-game. anyway they need to like. Actually tell the story bc as it stands w all the context being in the book isn't really great. more comprehensive cutscenes. and also I'm no game dev but like. it doesn't play well. i feel like it could stand to be more puzzley and maybe they can use that to help portray each residents stories more/better?

-i think the wonderworld should just abide by real time bc w it originally existing outside time and space kinda. Doesn't make complete sense to me. It being 'these twelve guys are having issues at the moment" makes more sense to me. therefore. dropping the cass attilio romance. It was weird anyway. princess merry is cass' older sister

-instead of the illusions of themselves that lead you to their negati boss form, it's a shadow that you see on the walls/ground(bc they're a shadow of their former selves haha). maybe your shadow is replaced w theirs?

-im thinking their backstory cutscenes are each told through different creative mediums:

-Fiona through sand animation, Eis through oil pastel on glass animation(like mob psycho 100 has) , Lucy through like a series of paintings? Cass maybe something similar to the mechanical puppets that hers is already, have Sana’s commit with wooden carved sets in stop motion (wouldn’t have to actually be Real stop motion, just make it look like it)

-either Balan just doesn’t have a ‘true form’ or his true form still reads as black bc i will continue to be 😐 over that for-absolutely-ever

-Cass’ cat has to die. I’m sorry. or at least get hit and nearly die. also I’m thinking the accident also caused Iben’s parents deaths bc i heard somebody suggest that in frankenbugs’ playthrough of it and that sounded cool to make it connected. and Cass shutting out her grief like it never happened while Iben let her grief consume her bc of the same accident also sounds cool

-also abt frankenbugs i agree w them that I don’t think Lucy’s stage needs any changing i think hers is the best structured. i think everyone else’s stages need to be changed to match

-also maybe reorder the levels so they're in like. have the more intense problems at the end. like Bruce's being the last level seems kinda Whatever after cass and iben's levels literally involve death

-i think have their ‘why they’re in wonderworld’ cutscene play at the beginning of their stage when you first get there, and the ‘what happens after they leave’ play after their boss fight like normal bc idk where to put it otherwise

-I think it'd be neat if the hub world was the theatre instead of the isle of tims. what little we actually see of the theatre in the opening cutscene looks GREAT and i think that'd make for a cooler hub to get to all the stages w the character posters. i honestly don't really care for the tims (i like them in theory not really in practice) and much less the tower

and that's all i got rn but i might come back to this I'm watching the 1993 mario movie rn

#the monarch’s court #balan wonderworld

[automatonknight]

OH I WILL ! CHECK OUT THE VIDS WHEN I HAVE THE CHANCE.. [the horrors of having no free time nowadays] and. looks at you with my big autistic eyes. tell me more about benny? :0

YAHOO!! I HOPE YOU'LL HAVE FREE TIME SOON ALSO YOU DESERVE A GOOD LONG BREAK!!! STAY STRONG OUT THERE BOSS YOU GOT THIS!!! ok ok so benny AAUGH benny. AGAIN SPOILERS ahead. i guess it's convinient, he has like. probably the most fletched-out story out of all the characters since he's the one you control, even when rodriguez, who is normally the leader, joins your party. although in the rodriguez route benny doesn't reflect all that much on his life from what i remember. speaking of reflecting on his old life! if rod dies and the story kind of, goes how it usually goes, at certain points you get flashbacks to benny's life before the flash. he worked at a burger place with his friends (clyde and liam) where rod was their manager. besides the two guys he was also friends with a girl named amy (at least i'm pretty sure that's her name, based on the fact that a joy mutant called the same thing uses the move "familiar cry" which implies that you knew that person, but also in the hopeless (an in-the-works sequel to the hopeful) it seems like that childhood friend is alive?? idk i'll keep calling her amy it's shorter). she's stated to have friendzoned him and (as i interpret it and i might be a little biased as someone aroace) if im being honest he doesn't really look like he cares that much? if anything clyde and liam (the latter actually called her out for "leading benny on" once) seem to care way, way more.

^i like this dialogue (it goes clyde, benny, clyde btw) i think it's funny but it also serves as an example. he doesn't even get what they're talking about, i think he just doesn't give a shit about "getting their relationship to another level", thruthfully. ok benny aroace icon headcanons to the side, coming back on the tracks um. so benny's like, well he's trying his best as a leader if rod dies, he's pretty much the sole party member to try and support his friends and cheer them on. he tries to help lanks after what happened to him when they got captured by the lovelies at the beginning of the game, even though he doesn't exactly know how to do that. in, geez i think clyde's route? he gets shot through the eye, which either turns him into a joy mutant or eventually kills him later on. i can't for the love of me remember what happens in liam's route but he for sure dies, since it's not his route. in rod's route they just all die at the end. NOW. in benny's route at the sportsdome, he gets shot in the knee, lanks gets taken and clyde gets set on fire but survives (if he isn't joyed). they fight on a little more but both of his friends eventually end up dead, so he tracks the lovelies down and kills them. the final boss is in every route, a guy named hart, the leader of the lovelies. beltboy's run actually has one of the more difficult versions of this fight BUT what is interesting is that for the first part (before hart turns into a joy mutant, beginning a phase 2 of sort) liam and clyde actually ARE THERE TO HELP!!! like. in benny's spirit. this doesn't happen for liam or clyde, they're stronger because of their anger and grief, especially liam, but i think what allows benny to win is his kind attitude and frienship, which is really cheesy but idk what other way i could interpret that. THIS also. allows him to survive in the end! as five is relieved that he's approached her like a normal person and gets him patched up. idk idk he makes me feel so many things. kind of unrelated and again, i'm probably biased cuz i love projecting, but i think reading him as an aroace man like. makes sense. i see a lot of how i think in him. he does make comments about "getting the girl", yes, but i think that's more to like, please his friends and keep their spirits up or whatever. other than that he seems disinterested in a romantic relationship with amy, it doesn't bother him at all it's not sexual or anything, he tells five that "he needs a friend" when he stumbles into her hideout half-dead after the fight with hart. aroace guy TO ME!!

^me right now as we speak btw. more dialogue propaganda also

and he loves his friends!! ok i think that's all i can recall

#ask #i'm sorry this is more like. a ramble i have troubles with not trailing off and shit #i have a few additional notes about the game i typed out to kind of organize my thoughts about it but i think they're a tad #too personal for me to share them here. i'd be happy to dm them to you on discord or tumblr though if you wanna!!! #AND ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!! benny's my darling sweet boy i want to lift him up and spin him #long post #he's like. so silly but so fucked up. i hope the hopeless actually comes out i want to see how he deals with that crushing grief. i mean wh #said that

[returnsnull7404]

after reading Misery Meat in one day, i gotta ask,, what is your personal opinion on cannibalism??

Man wild question to have to answer. I actually have pretty extensive opinions on the process of death and grief that inform how I feel about cannibalism.

I'm pretty strong on the idea that people should have full bodily autonomy and that it's not really my place to judge other cultures grieving methods, so with things like cultures where ritualistic cannibalism is part of the grieving process I don't really feel like I can point to this consensual and culturally important practice and say "that's evil and bad". The kind of cannibalism Techno is doing though? Evil and bad. Murder itself is evil, but then to also deny the families and friends the closure that comes with carrying out whatever funeral rights they feel are needed is a whole extra level, not to mention the religious connotations. While I'm not particularly religious myself a lot of people are and most religions require some kind of burial right for the soul to be at rest, and while I don't believe those do anything practically, the peace they bring to loved ones is so important.

All in all I think I see cannibalism kind of like how I see organ donation, which might sound weird since organ donation is really normalized to us in a way cannibalism is not, but remember there are cultures where cannibalism is an important part of funeral rights and it brings the families comfort. On the other hand there are many cultures that find the idea of slicing open the dead to reuse their organs to safe others to be sickening and believe that it prevents the dead from being able to enjoy a full restful afterlife. Then there's the scary and sickening underbelly of organ trafficking, of the dead illegally having their organs harvested with no consent from anyone, or worse, healthy people being killed or allowed to die so their organs can be sold. I think cannibalism is in that same family, saying that "hey, it's ok for this to be a part of the death and grief process for some cultures" doesn't change how absolutely sickening and fucked up it is for that to happen to someone who doesn't consent.

Endnote that if none of this makes sense it's because I joke woke up from a migraine nap and migraines really fuck with how I think

#answering asks #cannibalism

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

Number 48 for Cyllene and Rei! Protective surveymom takes a hit for her son drama

(101 ways to say i love you with actions - 48: using your body to shield them from an attack)

(set pre-survey corps forming because i have Thoughts about Them)

Cyllene is the best skies-damned swordsman in Hoenn. Maybe the world, depending on who you ask. Which is why she's head of the Security Corps. And in a world filled with enormous monsters who saw humans as either a tasty snack or annoying trespassers, that means half that she could beat another person in a fight, and half that she's very good at dodging.

So normally this kind of fight would be a nonissue. She has her sword, and she has space to maneuver, which is just about everything she needs to work. But the problem is—Rei is here, too, fighting alongside her. And he's been improving quickly, of course he has, as her apprentice, but he's not quite—there, yet. And he still has that frustrating habit of pausing in indecision in the middle of battles.

And she's entirely in battle mode, putting all her trust in instinct, so when she sees him not light enough on his feet, not turning quickly enough to block that Slash—her higher functions are not even given a chance to interfere before she lunges.

She lets her sword drop, shows her back to the enemy, two things you should never do—and she tackles him, and keeps him safely shielded against her. When the brute force of the attack connects with her not-quite-sturdy-enough coat, it doesn't get much more than a sharp grunt of acknowledgement.

"Captain-?" Rei manages to stammer out, eyes wide, but she barely even looks at him. She yanks the sword from his hand, and turns, and forces herself to her feet.

"Get them out of here," she says, not looking back, or acknowledging the other Galaxy Team members they were assigned to protect, but maintaining eye contact with the frenzied Pokémon.

"But-"

"That's an order."

It hurts like hell, she's aware on the edge of her senses, if she stops shutting it out. There's a steadily growing patch of warm, wet blood on the back of her coat. And now she's apparently confronted with the knowledge that she just did that.

But the Captain of the Security Corps—the best swordsman in Hoenn—doesn't stop fighting just because she's hurt, or distracted, so Cyllene keeps going.

---

Rei marches back with a borrowed sword, trying to pretend his hands aren't shaking, and finds his captain and master sitting with her back to a rock and looking very pale.

He drops the blade (and immediately training kicks his brain with disapproval, but whatever, the Captain also just broke that rule, so shove it), and she cracks one eye open as he rushes over.

"Are you alright?" is the first thing she says, nonsensically, putting a hand on his shoulder—and then pauses, and shakes her head, and says, "—is everyone—status report."

"I'm sorry," he says instead of answering, "I should have been– paying attention, it's my fault–"

She moves her hand to his forehead, like she's blocking him—her palm is hot and sweaty—and says, very seriously, "enough of that. Rei, you were commendable. That was an unanticipated threat, and you weren't prepared for it. I was. I made the decision as your captain to..."

"Good grief, Captain, you realize that's just scaring him more?" interrupts another familiar voice. "Go back to being snippy, for the peace of mind of everyone here."

Laventon—nominal Medical Corps member, technical professor, really mostly a translator—joins Rei by her side.

That makes her frown, brow furrowing. "I ordered all of you to get away. I thought that was very clear."

"Well, Rei was quite insistent that we go back and make sure you were fine, and I thought it would be best if someone with medical training came along," Laventon explains, with his usual cheer.

She levels a glare at him. "Are you a complete fool? What if I didn't succeed in fighting it off? Then you'd be walking right back into-"

He waves the suggestion off. "Oh, I had complete faith in your abilities."

"You have a complete lack of fucking brain, is what you have," she snaps back. "I ought to have you written up."

Nonplussed by the return of the status quo, he shrugs at her, and says to Rei, "See? I told you she would be fine."

#the nemesis speaks #the nemesis answers #anonymous #swift writes #surveyfam #HEE HEE THANK YOU. even tho i struggled with this one more than i technically should have #anyway. i have thoughts about the survey corps' development. also about Them before it started. #also abt surveymom... i love her... she is so bad at communicating anything but she will KILL for these idiots

[romanromulus]

Adam, I've got a question to posit to you for fun about Peter and Mark based off something I've been discussing with another friend, just because I'm interested to hear what you think about it: You said before that you viewed Saw V as the death of Mark's humanity and how he might have had a chance at actually ending things for good if Peter had met him with kindess instead of suspicion (which I wholeheartedly agree with that analysis here.) But my friend and I were talking about a scenario in which like. Had Peter and Mark maybe had time to actually get to know each other for a bit before the events of IV, things might have gone differently. Specifically, that Mark might have left the pen for Peter to use in the water cube on purpose, because he actually wanted to give him a chance like he does with the coffin, instead of just leaving it there as an oversight like he does in canon. What do you think about that?

omg hi @macabre-angst! oooh this is a very very interesting question to me because it makes me spiral about rigg and Hoffman kinda.

okay it has been a little while since I’ve watched III and IV so I might be kind of off here but whatever. i feel like—based on the reveal that Hoffman set Amanda up—in IV Hoffman was really confident in that he was about to be rid of both Amanda AND John. Dead Lynn means dead John, and dead John means no more blackmail hanging over Hoffman’s head. Hoffman knew by the time he got out of his trap, he’d be free of John Kramer—and he was probably pretty jazzed about it. however, once again, Hoffman WANTS connection, he doesn’t want to be alone, so he positions rigg to be his new apprentice.

(I don’t remember if the saw IV test was still a John Kramer test or if it was entirely Hoffman’s creation, but either way, if Kramer had a hand in it, hoffman obviously floated rigg’s name)

Now we both know rigg fails his test. spectacularly. and Hoffman is PISSED about it. he’s visibly, furiously disappointed in rigg.

What is interesting to me is that rigg shares certain traits with Amanda—traits that SHOULD make Hoffman think twice about taking him on as an apprentice. Rigg and Amanda are both impulsive, they’re both emotional, and they both get way too involved with other people. they are passionate individuals. they come across that way pretty immediately.

you know who doesn’t come across that way at first? Strahm. for most of IV, Strahm is a pretty cool customer. he stays detached. clearly I headcanon Strahm as someone with anger issues, but in IV his anger doesn’t come to the surface until things get personal for him (Perez). It’s entirely possibly that Strahm is normally fairly level-headed, and that the grief of losing his partner simply causes him to express a level of rage that is out of character for him.

Okay so i’m arriving to my point, which is: Hoffman worked hard to get rid of Amanda, who he obviously thought of as a liability. why would he immediately try to saddle himself with another unstable element? he KNOWS he has to clean up rigg’s messes, he has literally already done so in the past AND then he nearly has to again right at the beginning of IV. i think hoffman only picks rigg for the test because he just has no other options (please make some non-work friends, Hoffman).

now, what if hoffman had just met someone who seemed ruthless, calm, analytical, and intelligent? someone he thought he could trust, someone he wouldn’t have to worry might lose their cool and get them caught?

what I think, my friend, is that if Hoffman and Strahm had gotten to know each other before saw IV, the water cube might not have ever even come into play. Hoffman might have decided to scrap his original plan.

He might have decided to test Strahm instead of Rigg.

#ask #mine #hoffstrahm #please let me know what you think about this because the gears are turning in my brain now #also this was such a good question ty so much for asking it!!!! #now assuming he did still decide to test rigg. yes i do think hed leave the pen in strahms pocket on purpose #he might have even given him an easier test bc the water cube is legit unfair anyway. if theyd gotten to know each other #i think hoffman would try to give strahm a test he was fairly confident strahm would pass. and hed probably know not to fuck with perez #bc its pretty clear strahm is attached to her. he wouldnt wanna risk alienating strahm further. #wait that also makes me think. if perez wasnt ‘dead’ and strahm wasnt so ruled by his fury over losing her. would he have taken #the time to listen to the entire tape in the glass coffin room? #man this was such a thought provoking question

[bestworstcase]

Hey! Big fan of your Yang analysis. So good to see an actual reasonable and good take on her arc and Tai's advice to her. I have always been extremely bothered by how a lot of people look at the situation. How they personally don't like Tai and love Yang so the conclusion they come to is that Tai is horrible and Yang had no problem that he could have given advice on. You really nailed how I felt about it all this time; a parent who clearly loves his kid but doesn't always know how to help her or what she needs. Probably due to his own struggles. Some reactions to Tai have just been very unreasonable especially for a minor character. And I am sure we will be getting some good stuff for Yangs arc next volume. So yeah always love to see some reasonable takes in this fandom.

ghskdn yeah i've seen some whacky takes

another thing i think about a lot with regards to yang's relationship with her dad is like—after summer disappeared, we know tai fell into a pretty serious depression for a while, and during that time yang felt like taking care of ruby was her responsibility. now we don't know how accurate that feeling might have been to the situation—maybe tai's depression looked like lying in bed or staring at walls all day while the kids went hungry unless yang made sandwiches, or maybe it looked like being quiet and dead inside while dealing with the necessities and that freaked yang out a little and doing extra stuff that her parents used to do, like bedtime stories or games, made her feel better; or maybe it was something in between. regardless, the point is yang felt an adult-like level of responsibility at a very, very young age and it's clear from how she acts in the present that his had a profound effect on her even into actual adulthood.

and... like... from tai's perspective, i'll bet he felt so proud and appreciative of how yang handled the situation? his daughters lost their MOM, he felt totally underwater, there's this horrific shadow war playing out all around them that makes everything emotionally so much harder, and yet yang—five, six years old!—is trying so hard to help make it better. she's just a little kid, you know? it would be so normal and understandable for her grief to look like tantrums, or picking on her baby sister, or acting out in all kinds of different ways, because she's a kid! but she's being so good about it.

...which is the kind of behavior that either gets showered in praise or overlooked and taken for granted because, well, there's no smoke so there's no fire, right?—and that's tricky because both responses can end up reinforcing that feeling of responsibility and the erosion of childhood it entails.

and tai, well, we see in v4 that he's just as willing to talk up yang's best qualities as he is to be very blunt about laying out the things he sees as her biggest weaknesses. he truly, genuinely thinks the world of her—of both his kids—and he is NOT shy about saying so. so i'm positive that yang got, at some point after tai crawled out of his depressive episode, a talk about how thankful he was for her help, how proud he is of her for being so brave, so kind to her sister, so understanding in such a terrible time. but i'm also positive that tai doesn't have the emotional finesse necessary to have that kind of talk without inadvertently reinforcing yang's feeling of Needing To Be Responsible For Ruby. yeah? because she stepped up and took care of her sister and now dad is saying hey, thanks for doing that, you've been so good about this, therefore taking care of ruby and doing parent-like things for her sister = being a good daughter.

so after that—even though tai would've taken on all the parent responsibilities yang carried during the immediate aftermath of summer's disappearance—the feeling would've stuck around, and it would've gotten reinforced every single time yang went above and beyond to "help out" or whatever and got praised for it, until this harmful subconscious idea that she's supposed to take care of people, never be taken care of, is baked into her psyche even though all tai meant to do was say hey thanks for being an awesome kid!

#i really do love their dynamic tbh #they're really close! but there's also this dire emotional disconnect #where tai doesn't quite *get* her but both of them think he does #and then he has his issues and yang inherited them to an extent #which makes it hard for them to like. #get on the same wavelength #it's complicated and imperfect and feels very naturalistic

[kurnutus86]

Yep, today a kind of deep, malignant despondency just overtook me. I look at the things that I have talents for, and here they are, little piles of whatever in far corners of the internet, while AI and psychopaths run pretty much everything. I'm just so shot mentally that I can't work on anything for basically more than fifteen minutes. And I'm conscious of the potential that I had, and can't really do anything with, anymore. And then I'm seeing photographs of happy soldiers taking selfies in the ruins of Gaza, and it's all just so absurdly vile and terrible. This world has gone horribly wrong, and it feels almost an injustice in itself to keep living in it. But some type of strange need to witness it keeps me going I suppose? And another thing: no matter what you try to do, even previously normal things like friend-level social relationships now feel like they're invested with all these expectations of exceptionality, with a kind of zero-sum framework around it. What happened to 'good enough'? I'm probably not the only one to wonder. And then there's the resentment which just builds up out of all the grief, for which I have had so little actual, physical, present human comfort. I wouldn't want to add to this downright BS we're most of us going through. But that's what I have today.

[nani-ilyani]

I'm feeling not motivated to do anything since my dad passed away. Whatever I do, I don't feel joy at all. Even though those things are something that I love.

As you may already know, my dad passed away, and it has been really tough for me to find the motivation to do things that used to bring me joy. Even activities that I used to love don't seem to bring the same level of satisfaction anymore. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, and nothing really matters.

I know it's normal to feel this way after such a significant loss, and I'm trying to be patient and kind to myself. I'm taking things one day at a time and allowing myself to rest when needed. I'm also talking to friends and family for support and considering seeking professional help if I need it.

Although it's hard right now, I'm hopeful that as I process my grief and work through my emotions, my motivation and joy for life will gradually return. For now, I'm just taking things one step at a time and trusting that healing takes time.

#inlovingmemory #imissyoubabah #imissyoudad

[jolliestlolli]

Jolly's Friday Blog Update - Dec 9th 2022

Nearly forgot about this shit lmao.

What a week. I could really go for some MJ right about now but it's looking like I probably won't be having a green Christmas if you know what I mean.

So let's get down to brass tacks: Writing. I haven't done a lot of it this week, there I admitted it. To say I didn't write at all would be inaccurate, but the most I did was some extremely self-indulgent crap that is not meant for virgin eyes to read. Other than that all I really did was make some minor edits to stuff I've written with a very close friend of mine, and even then I know I could have probably done more. Oh well, there's always the weekend.

I had my first ever CT scan this week. Lately my health has sort of been on the decline, and we're hoping to get some answers soon. The truth is I haven't really been well for a long time now, I've been dealing with varying degrees of stomach trouble since I was at least 10 or 11. You might remember in my Author's Notes on my latest Ao3 story The Greatest, I mentioned how I recently got very very sick and was still not 100% recovered at the time that story got uploaded. I'd say I'm doing a lot better but the reality is I'm still dealing with the same issues I've been dealing with for close to a decade now, I've just gotten to a point where I'm like "This is a normal level of pain for me, therefor I'm perfectly fine". IDK what they'll find on the CT Scan, if they'll find anything at all. I almost hope they do just so I can finally get some damn answers. Whatever happens, I'll say this: I'll be happy if I never have to chug an entire bottle of Barium Sulfate again for the rest of my life.

As far as self-care is concerned, I at least have a decent morning routine in place: Wake up, shower, cook myself breakfast, take a walk around the neighborhood to try to wake myself up. Sure, there's room for improvement; I need to start remembering to brush my teeth everyday before they rot right out of my mouth. Oh also! Last night my mom found this old journal I was using back in 2020 to keep track of everything I ate and drank that day, and what my stomach pain was like. I can't entirely remember why I stopped. I feel like it had something to do with the fact that on some days, I couldn't remember what I ate, or if I even ate anything at all. Or maybe I eventually just couldn't be bothered anymore. Who knows. Bottom line, I'm gonna try to get back into the habit of writing in that journal.

Anyways, on another topic: My best friend and I finally started watching the 3rd and final season of Dead To Me last night, which I have been waiting for for a stupidly long time. If you don't know what Dead To Me is, stop whatever you're currently doing, go on Netflix, and watch it right fucking now. You will not regret it. The fact that it hasn't gotten nearly the level of international recognition that certain other Netflix shows have gotten is a crime and an injustice and I will do everything in my power to rectify this mistake. The basic plot is: Jen Harding is a mother of two that was recently widowed after her husband died in a hit and run. At a grief support group, she ends up meeting Judy Hale, and the two of them form a close bond. But Judy has some skeletons in her closet, and she's not even the only one.

My shitty summary probably doesn't even do the show justice, it's just that good. I can't even go into any real detail without giving away a small fraction of the many twists and turns the story takes. You have to see it to know what I'm talking about. We're about 3 episodes in and I'm just super nervous to see how the whole thing concludes, and I have slight PTSD from the last time I got super hyped over a new season of a show I love to pieces only to be horrifically betrayed... (*cough* *cough* The Promised Neverland *cough* *cough* *cough*)

Anyway that's all I can really think to talk about for now, see y'all on Monday. I'll go ahead and leave you with this screenshot of a funny exchange I had with my best friend last night:

#Jolly's Bi-weekly Blog Update #chronic illness #self care #dead to me #netflix

[junepegbert]

mm. feelings.

#anyways so my dog is dying and yeah it;s normal to be sad and cry and shit #especially over a pet you've had for like 7 years #but god. i genuinely just can't handle this right now #i can't even like properly feel bad because i'm always too tired or just. don't have the capacity to feel strong emotions about shit #like i can't fully process this? i was just crying for a good 15+ minutes laying next to him on the floor #and after that i just. feel normal #not like good normal like 'i just cried and got it all out' i mean #normal like i'm USED to this level of grief or whatever #this just is a whoooole fuckin mess and i can't even like. do anything to help myself because i know everyone who could even comfort me #is too busy being asleep because Timezones but still #i just know that when i get up after passing out tomorrow i'll be unable to talk like this until The Next Tragic Event #so i'll do this for now and then well #if anyone sees this hi i guess #but god it's. i don't even have the energy to grieve or hate myself for not being able to grieve #i'm just gonna go and add this to the list of issues i have and i hate that because i need to be able to address my own fucking emotions #and yet here i am writing a vent post on tumblr that like two people at most will see #i just miss. being able to feel y'know? like genuinely feel many complicated things #like yeah i hate myself and detest myself but like. in a chill way because i can't fucking even HATE myself right this sucks dick #and by 'right' i just mean like hate myself with energy it's literally just 'huh you're a freak who everyone is going to hate if they learn #more about you' or 'you can't be genuinely nice to anyone because you have to put so much effort into everything' or just. etc etc my point #has been made #i just wish i could like. FEEL feel y'know. everything is just at most miserable or at normal. just. real bad #anyways everything is criiiinge #vent

[hamliet]

Hi! What do you think of how Yang's PTSD has been handled in the story? I read some people think it was solved too easily and I wanted your opinion about it!

Well, as someone with diagnosed PTSD... I personally love it. I think it’s a very solid portrayal. 

Of course, it won’t ring home for everyone--no one’s experiences are exactly the same. And it’s not that there are no critiques. But, I think CRWBY has done a pretty good job of portraying it for two reasons:

Yang’s trauma is both a part of her and yet does not encapsulate the whole of who she is; and

Its portrayal of what flashbacks and anxiety look like, on a personal level, made me feel seen. 

A lot of stories, when using the trauma/PTSD angle, have a bad habit of either portraying the inciting incident of trauma as the defining moment in the character’s existence, or acting as if it’s no big deal. 

Ruby: I'm so glad you're okay!

Yang: But I'm not.

For the latter, I've seen so many portrayals that just gloss PTSD over as an inconvenience, or as something that someone magically gets over. This isn’t Yang’s story, and I’ll explain why later.

The reality is that PTSD isn’t always something people get over so much as many learn to live with it. (And, in general, I do not like the current move towards pushing language that implies people aren’t suffering from certain mental illnesses. “A person with PTSD” is often preferred over “a person who suffers from PTSD” and sorry, no, PTSD by its definition is characterized by suffering. Negating that is not woke or pro-inclusion; it’s insulting by making yourself feel comfortable about inclusion while ignoring the thorny part that having PTSD fucking sucks. (I know many may disagree; that's fair. On my blog I get to say what I think, though, and I personally find it offensive.))

How does this connect to Yang? Well, RWBY displays Yang suffering. The everyday reminds her of what she lost in her arm, and of the experience losing it. Trauma healing involves grieving, and grief comes stages. Even when you arrive at "acceptance," you still have a loss.

Yang: everyone keeps talking about me getting back to normal. But this is normal now.

Yang: Do you want me to just pretend it didn’t happen? I lost a part of me. A piece of me is gone, and it's never coming back.

Yang's trauma is literally a part of her, with her arm always being gone. The mechanical one isn’t the same, even if it is functionally awesome. I know people like to harp on this and I’m not saying the portrayal is accurate to an amputee’s, because I can’t speak to that, but as a metaphor within the story itself I personally think it works. The mechanical arm can be a weakness in some situations and even a strength in others, as trauma can be, but it's clear Yang would still prefer her arm back even if that won't happen, and that's just--honest, imo.

I also think it works as a symbol of and a parallel to Yang's relationships with her mother and with Blake. Her mother--well. While Raven may sacrifice herself in the end for Yang (imo, she should), Yang and Raven are never going to have a normal mother/daughter relationship. Raven left her for no good reason, and she's not coming back.

However, Blake does come back. Not just physically (in which they both end up going to the same place and meeting), but emotionally. That won't like, replace her mother's abandonment, but it does at least offer Yang unconditional love and acceptance, and shows her that even if some people won't change, some can. 

Like Ruby says to end Volume 4: 

You told me once that bad things just happen. You were angry when you said it, and I didn't want to listen. But you were right. Bad things do happen, all the time, every day. Which is why I'm out here, to do whatever I can, wherever I can, and hopefully do some good... We've all lost something, and I've seen what loss can do to people. But if we gave up every time we lost, then we'd never be able to move forward.

I appreciate this because Ruby shows empathy towards Yang, while also asking her to keep growing--because they need her, given the terrible circumstances of their world. It contrasts a bit with what Tai said--and here’s where I’ll say I have an issue with the portrayal: I don’t like Tai’s advice to Yang at times in volume 4. I do think he pressures her to grow when she has explicitly said she isn’t ready, and the idea that she should be grateful for the mechanical arm is--yeah, but it’s not empathetic. I also don’t think this is framed awesomely.

About the symptoms of PTSD... PTSD is an anxiety disorder. Flashbacks are not always literally disorienting or hallucinations, although they may be. Most stories portray them almost exclusively as hallucinations; while I understand why hallucinations work best for stories in a lot of ways, it’s not really accurate to my experience, so I appreciated seeing something that was more along the lines of what I live with. For a long time I didn’t realize I was having flashbacks until my therapist explained that it doesn’t mean a hallucination; I find them disorienting but I'm very aware of where I am and that I'm not in the situation during one; it just feels like I am. They are moments when you are triggered to the extent where you absolutely cannot resist the terror you felt during the trauma storming your mind, and it feels emotionally as if you’re reliving it at the moment. This may include a hallucination. It also may not. 

Yang's flashbacks (like when she drops the glass in the kitchen) were clearly her experiencing anxiety, but not full hallucinations. Yang’s nightmares were also very accurate to what PTSD is like in my experience: they’re not always (if ever) exact recountings of what happened (though again, I see why stories often portray them this way). They’re similar situations, where you do relive the trauma, but like any dream they blend facts and ideas across time. 

I don’t think Yang’s PTSD is depicted as being over--it’s more just that Yang has mostly completed her arc and we have other characters to focus on. It’s also likely to come up a bit again whenever Raven reappears. Possibly in Volume 9. I also think this argument misses the complex factor: Yang’s trauma does not begin and end with Adam. She’s been traumatized since she was a kid, since Raven abandoned her, and Adam was a sudden inciting incident that brought a lot of issues to the surface. But it wasn’t the sole cause. Yang’s been struggling to cope with trauma since Season 1 (or even since the “Yellow” trailer). She’s still learning. 

And that is how PTSD recovery goes: you learn better coping mechanisms. Yang has learned better coping mechanisms, and having a partner in Blake is actually very much a realistic portrayal of something that can help alleviate PTSD symptoms. Again, I don’t think Yang has gotten over it, but she’s learned to live with it. Her arm is always gone. Adam is gone. Her mother is not the mother she deserves. But she has Blake, and Ruby, and Weiss, and Qrow, and others. 

And isn’t that what RWBY’s about: continuing on in the face of loss, when things will never be the same, because some things can still be better? 

#yang xiao long #ptsd #rwby meta #rwby #bumbleby #raven branwen #blake belladonna #adam taurus #ruby rose

[pocketfulofrecs]

Dee - So! We have a little game in our discord server where writers write a fic together, blindly, without any plot. One writer starts a thread, other follows up, and then another joins in. Our first run produced the story you see below. It was a game between @auspiciouscandy, @whiteflowercrimsonparasol (or justdoityoufucker) and myself or @vrishchikawrites.

We thought it should be shared with everyone. That's why Ju and I decided to start a new section on Pocketful called Storytime with Bunnies. We'll publish all stories that we write there on Pocketful and eventually on Ao3.

Personally, it was a great deal of fun and I'm so happy that we're continuing it! I hope you like the story! It was written by three people and still turned out so smooth!

-------

A Strange Encounter

by Vrishchika, justdoityoufucker, and auspiciouscandy

-------

It is dark, but Wei Ying has never been afraid of darkness.

The juniors shuffle nervously behind him, sticking so close to his back, he can feel the warmth of their bodies. Suddenly, there is a noise - loud in the silence of the night and out of place. Wei Ying clutches Chengqing tightly, ready to strike. He turns in the direction of the noise only to suck in a sharp breath and try to suppress the sigh threatening to overtake him.

He’d mostly been following the juniors, letting them take the lead to hunt the nest of low-level yao that had been terrorizing the small mountain town. They’d done well, so far, and had dealt with half of the yao without incident. The problem started when they’d run into a higher-level yao, which was to be expected given his luck on night hunts, but he hadn’t expected to see a strange man.

He seems almost as tall as Chifeng-zun had been; Wei Ying can't see his features clearly, but his instincts warn him to be cautious. The man says nothing as he steps forward. He doesn't have a corpse's stiff gait. Each step brings him closer and reveals more of him. Pale skin, dark eyes, lips as red as blood, almost unnaturally still features.

His beauty is disarming, but Wei Ying is unmoved. He's married to the most beautiful man in existence, after all. But he is curious. What is this strange, beautiful man doing in the middle of the woods? And while he looks the man over, cautious of any sharp movement the man could make, he steps forward. Though contrary to his beautiful appearance, his body is but a corpse and it is difficult to hide when he staggers and what appears to be his arm drops down onto the floor. Wei Ying hears someone gagging behind him, but he cannot take his eyes off the man; every instinct in his body is screaming about the danger in front of them.

Just when he is about to speak, the man's face changes to a look of pained horror, a look that the stiffness of a corpse shouldn't be able to achieve. There is something about the way his jaw moves, that makes it seem as if he was trying to speak, but no sound leaves his red, red lips.

"Stop," Wei Ying says, putting the force of his cultivation into the word. The corpse's mouth opens even wider, and Wei Ying senses it before anything, "Cover your ears!" he shouts, but it is too late, there are some indistinguishable whispers he catches before his hands reach his ears, and he doubts any of the juniors were fast enough even as he hears their swords immediately drop to the floor.

He wracks his brain to match the odd corpse with any of the descriptions he remembers from his studies and it suddenly clicks into place. He remembers tales of bewitching creatures. Beings that can ensnare and seduce with their voice and their beauty. Beings that can control the living mind as Wei Ying controls corpses. He remembers tales of how cultivators of immense strength would drop their swords and simply submit to these creatures, allowing them to consume their Qi without protest.

His eyes flicker towards his juniors, alarm stirring in his chest. What can he do? Think. Think, Wei Ying!

And he reaches a conclusion, the corpse uses its voice to control, to influence, and had Wei Ying not used his own to do the same? Resentful energy and spiritual energy are almost similar, it's risky, but there isn't much else to do. He already perceives the juniors trying to walk past him, and he is overcome with waves after waves of compulsion from his small amount of exposure, so Wei Ying does the only thing he can think of.

He gathers the power towards his throat. His voice laced with command, he opens his mouth and sings not a real tune, at first, but simply unbridled power that cuts off the corpse's control over the juniors.

But he cannot just wrest control; he needs to suppress the corpse, and that takes more than random notes. He slides into a familiar song, lyrics that Lan Zhan shared but have never been sung before in deference to their usual duets. The juniors have never heard Wei-qianbei sing before; they have heard his tuneful humming, whistling, and music, but not his true singing voice. It renders them silent. Wei Ying's voice is resonant and it bounces off the surrounding trees and rocks, becoming amplified. The effect is otherworldly, unlike anything they have ever experienced.

It halts the strange creature in his tracks. He sways dazedly. Something about the expression is almost covetous.

Wei Ying hears Sizhui whisper his name in worry. He is his father's son and has somehow inherited all of Hanguang-jun's protectiveness. Even now, he takes a shaky step forward to stand before Wei Ying. But there's no reason he should worry; Wei Ying's control over his power is absolute, his control over the corpse-creature the same.

He changes the intent of his power, the tone of his singing, to lure the creature to lower its guard and step closer. He trusts that Sizhui knows what to do, that the other juniors will assist as his voice lulls it into submission. The creature stumbles forward, his hand stretched out towards Wei Ying. He sways with every step and Wei Ying tracks his movements carefully.

"Good boy," he croons, maintaining a singing tone in his voice, "Whatever shall we do with you?"

The corpse's hand is still outstretched and his expression is still mesmerized. Wei Ying reaches out and closes his fingers around the hand, keeping his voice mellow and soothing. "You're a strong one, aren't you?" he sings, ignoring Sizhui's alarmed noise.

The corpse will only need to twist his grip to break Wei Ying's arm but something tells him he's safe. He leans forward, curious, "Wei Ying," and Wei Ying freezes. He doesn't let off his control but it is enough for the corpse to pull him closer, a hand reaching up to caress his hair—he is aware of the gasped whispers by the juniors of, 'Hanguang-jun,' the juniors who were just beginning to take control—but this is something out of his expectation. A normally high-level corpse of this type would be troublesome on its own, but one that could mimic?

The danger levels have increased far more than what juniors can handle; Wei Ying pivots in his singing, pulls Sizhui behind him and crowds back, keeping the juniors behind him. He pauses, for the barest moment, to say, "Flare."

That snaps Sizhui to action, and as Wei Ying resumes singing, voice louder and louder, he draws a flare out of his robes and sets it off, the sparkling blue of the fireworks temporarily catching the creature's attention, making Wei Ying snap forward and cup the corpse's face, physically drawing his attention back towards him.

It is intimate, the way he angles his body and draws the creature in. Something burns in him. He has never touched anyone but his Lan Zhan like this, with so much tenderness.

The creature that mimics his husband's voice seems to mimic his affection too. Wei Ying cringes as cold fingers trace his cheek, trailing dangerously close to his neck. One slip, and Wei Ying could potentially lose his life.

"Wei Ying," The corpse whispers in his husband's voice, and something dark stirs within him. His lips twitch into an alluring smile and Wei Ying has his hand slowly reaching up and caressing its cold skin. He thinks the eyes shimmer an amber shade, for they are nowhere near the molten gold of his husband’s. He's all too aware of this cheap imitation's intent and responds in kind.

Wei Ying ignores the yells of his nephew, the sound of another flare going up into the night sky; his hand is coated in resentful energy as it reaches the back of the corpse's neck, and he maintains eye contact with it, his voice softer to only reach the corpse.

It is completely enamoured, that is why when Wei Ying makes a hand sign to the juniors to tell them to leave, the creature doesn't react. It is like a careful, possessive lover, but, unlike his husband, there is no real care behind its actions as it closes in on him. The resentful energy on Wei Ying's hands increases, solidifies, a black, hateful knife.

When he drives it directly into the corpse-creature's neck, spearing it up into its skull, the creature makes a weak, pained groan in that facsimile of his husband's voice, and Wei Ying shouldn't feel the way he does—it is but a creature who had taken up the face of his beloved—but to hear the wounded noises it makes, trying to garner his sympathy, Wei Ying cannot help but feel that sympathy. Wei Ying should know that the hands around his neck are the ones that wouldn't hesitate to kill him, so very cold, lacking his husband's warmth.

He raises his voice, and sings a sharp tune, and the corpse whines once more before it’s rendered mute, opening its mouth wide with a final hissed, “Wei Ying!”

Wei Ying's eyes widen because, for a second, before he tightens his hands, he catches a glimpse of his husband, pain and grief on his face that he hasn't seen in years. The corpse falls, its weakness stabbed through, unable to move again and Wei Ying shudders, feeling so incredibly off-kilter.

He needs to see Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan is fine, he's sure, but the look on the creature's face, the timbre of its voice--it's almost enough to overwhelm.

The juniors, still near enough to catch the sudden silence, creep back through the trees, worried looks on their faces as they take in the look on their teacher's face, the still form of the corpse-creature on the ground.

"Xian-gege?" Sizhui starts, clearly shaken if he's reverted to that form of address. He continues forward as if to grasp Wei Ying's shoulder, but Wei Ying needs a moment. Maybe it is the leftover effects of the corpse, maybe it is his own fears and concerns.

But he takes in a sharp breath and pulls his mouth into a smile, "Now then, shouldn't we return? I assume none of you are hurt?" He looks them over, ignoring the sneaked glances from the dazed juniors as they stand up on their shaking legs, "Come along now—" he places his hand on top of Sizhui's, which shakes almost unnoticeably.

Sizhui wants to reassure him, but he knows already that Wei-qianbei wouldn't feel comforted until he lays his eyes on Hanguang-jun. Sizhui has seen enough of their love to know this is one of the few things that can rattle his indomitable Xian-gege. If anything happens to Hanguang-jun, Wei-qianbei would—

Sizhui draws his mind away from grim thoughts and watches as Wei-qianbei steps forward to the body, pulling out his qiankun pouch. Suddenly, there's a twitch of movement from nearby. As if called by Wei Ying and Lan Sizhui's thoughts, the austere white of Lan Zhan's robes appears, and he comes to a graceful halt near the corpse-creature.

"Lan Zhan," Wei Ying can't help but exhale in relief, "We're fine."

Hanguang-jun casts a look at the corpse-creature, then back at Wei Ying. He looks over Wei Ying completely before turning his gaze towards the juniors while moving towards Wei Ying, almost a split second of a glance but enough to know they're fine; it wouldn't have been noticed if Sizhui hadn't been looking for it. Then, he reaches up to caress Wei Ying’s face and Wei Ying melts into it, feeling the warmth seep into his skin.

"Wei Ying," Wei Ying can't describe how relieved he feels when the familiar scent of sandalwood envelopes him. It takes but a glance for Lan Zhan to see past his welcoming smile and glimpse the truly shaken core of him.

"Go forth, Sizhui, we'll join you soon." Lan Zhan commands and Wei Ying almost protests. He doesn't want the children away from him. Lan Zhan just shakes his head and pulls him close, "Breathe, center yourself."

Wei Ying presses his forehead to Lan Zhan's shoulder and sighs. Lan Zhan is here. Lan Zhan is safe, solid, and strong. That's all he cares about, and he feels his arms encircling him so he completely rests his weight upon his husband, his head on Lan Zhan's chest, hearing his heartbeat go thump thump thump.

He feels the earlier fight leaving his body as he relaxes against him, matching their breaths together. Wei Ying wants to stay there with him, the forest trees and the silence that was eerie and offsetting earlier feels serene and calming. But they can’t, because they have to get back, everyone in need of rest, the kids in need of checking to see if they're all actually okay.

Then there's the issue of the corpse-creature; research will need to be done when they are back in Cloud Recesses, to figure out what it is and if there might be more. Wei Ying breathes in the sandalwood scent of his husband, then steps away, qiankun pouch in hand. The corpse is where it had fallen, and he kneels next to it, Lan Zhan a comforting presence next to him.

"Aiya," He says, "They tried but couldn't get close to your perfection, Lan Zhan."

His husband huffs but keeps a steady, warm hand on his back. It is a reassuring presence that makes it easier to examine the body. Wei Ying runs his eyes along the tall body, mind stirring, "Who could be behind this?" How and why did they mimic Lan Zhan of all people? Wei Ying can't help but feel concerned. Lan Zhan hums in response but offers no commentary; he's probably still in a protective, vigilant state. Wei Ying smiles fondly and kisses him on his cheek, "let's return then,” he says, and gets up after putting it away.

Lan Zhan pulls him closer to himself; maybe he knows what worried Wei Ying as he keeps a comforting presence by his side. They walk to the Juniors standing ahead, who stop their whispers as soon as they get close. Wei Ying looks them over once again. They look at him with a slightly dazed look, but are steady on their feet. Wei Ying frowns, maybe it's the effects of leftover energy?

Jin Ling starts to say something about heading back to Jinlintai. As if Wei Ying would let him! It's almost midnight, and the night hunt has taken them to the far reaches of Gusu-Lan territory, a long trip of a couple days to Lanling-Jin territory. "None of that," Wei Ying chides, feeling like himself again. "Back to the village for all of us; Hanguang-jun needs to make sure there are no lingering effects."

Jin Ling half-scowls, but doesn't deny or try to argue back, and there's a blur as Sizhui all but pulls Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji into a hug. Jin Ling sees Sizhui’s shoulders shake slightly and he looks away. Terrifying situation or not, that illusion had felt all too real. It was as if it were Hanguang-jun standing before them, the mannerism, the voice, how he...he—

Before he can think more he feels a pull at his wrist and he feels the warmth of another person around him. He hears Jingyi make a startled noise as the other two are also pulled into a clustered little group hug. Jin Ling’s face flushes red and he opens his mouth to protest but doesn't push them away.

“You're safe,” Wei Ying says, as the teens start to pull away after a few moments. If a few of them have reddened eyes, or barely-there tear tracks down their cheeks, neither he nor Lan Zhan mention it.

"Aiya," he gives Sizhui an extra pat on the head, a smile finally pulling at his face as he takes in the juniors' despondent looks. "What is all this? I would think someone died if I came upon you all like this! Come now, back to the village.”

"Wei Ying!" Lan Zhan calls suddenly and Wei Ying doesn't understand why. He looks up at his husband, only to see his eyes shining with concern, perhaps even some panic.

"What? Lan Zha—"

An abrupt wave of dizziness overcomes him and he falters, feeling something dripping down his nose. He touches his upper lip shakily, his limbs starting to feel heavy. His vision swims and Lan Zhan catches him immediately as he sways forward. Something cold is settling within him. "Lan Zhan," he croaks. His vision is turning black from the corner of his eyes, and Lan Zhan is saying something but he can't hear it, it’s muffled and sounds so far away.

Wei Ying hates the feeling that floods him, the wave of cold dread that he hasn't felt in a long time. His hair stands up as he feels ghosts of the touches. They linger on the back of his neck, his face, his arms where the corpse had touched him, among the distant noises, he hears a clear, sharp "Wei Ying," but it sounds so odd, so unfamiliar despite it being his husband’s voice and that's when he crumples, losing all control of his limbs.

The cheer and safety of mere moments before has fled, and Wei Ying can't stamp out the panic that grips him as his breath hitches. He's vaguely aware, as if he is not truly in possession of his own body anymore, that his sweet husband, his Lan Zhan, has pulled his body up into his arms.

That awareness lessens even more as Lan Zhan's distant, warped voice sends out some sharp commands, and then he feels the slap of wind on his face and something isn't right. His senses are fading but he has practiced dual cultivation with Lan Zhan for several years now. He's intimately familiar with his husband's core. Something isn't right because—

—they're running. The wind is against his face. He remembers the trapped look of despair. His husband commands the children but something isn't right. He's leaving something behind. The arms carrying him are familiar but recognition slips him and he becomes increasingly aware as a sharp pain increases from his arm and he gasps, because it feels as if fire is under his skin, it moves from his arm and reaches up to his neck and it increases. Wei Ying has always had a large tolerance to pain, but he is in little control and he cannot stop himself as he lets out a pained scream, the wind feels faster as Lan Zhan—

—not right, not right, not right—

—he wakes up to the dark wood and white paint of the Cloud Recesses. He does not move, cataloging his body, the sensations, what he remembers. There was an oppressive feeling of pain, of wrongness, that is now mostly gone. Did they fly back? How long has it been?

He feels like he's forgetting something, forgetting; he thinks it over, the body, the pain, and reaches up his arm and sure enough, there are bright red marks, beginning from his arm, spreading out like spilled ink on paper, they resemble a spiders web as they crawl upwards, up along until they disappear into his clothes and he had no doubt they reach till his neck. What about his face? He reaches up to try and touch but before he can, the door slides open as Lan Zhan steps through.

Wei Ying's entire focus shifts towards the Second Jade. Lan Zhan looks pristine as always, calm like nothing can disturb him. His movements are steady, unhurried. He sets his things aside and walks into the Jingshi casually. There's no trace of urgency or worry in him. Wei Ying feels his heart grow cold. His Lan Zhan wouldn't have been as calm, nor would his Lan Zhan look at him the way it did, unmoving and—the same way that thing had.

"Lan Zhan" comes and sits by his bed, eyes lock over him, dark and amber. "Wei Ying," he—it—reaches up a hand, and cradles his cheek, the same way his husband did. Except, its thumb inches towards lips and it is colder than ice. Wei Ying acts unbothered, showing a soft smile as he puts his hand over the one on his face.

"I'm fine, Lan Zhan!" he says softly. The suspicion grows when he remembers the red veining on his body, when he realizes that the touch isn't as tangible as it should be.

Touching the creature's hand feels like holding a dust mote, and he abruptly realizes that he isn't sure if this even is the Jingshi. It is the same pristine colors, of course, but their possessions seem blurred, as if only half-existing. There is no familiar, comforting scent of sandalwood. Is it an illusion? A dream? Is this creature a figment of his imagination? Or is it something else? He tries to access his core and can't grasp anything. He tries to summon resentful energy but it slips through his fingers like water. His only choice is to get information.

"What happened?" he asks in a soft tone he reserves for his husband. He angles his body to be welcoming, like he would with Lan Zhan. None of his actions give any indication of his suspicions. "Are the children safe?"

Lan Zhan nods, "They're safe. Lan Xichen is looking after them and a healer is examining them. You are the only one to be harmed. We do not know the nature of your injuries—" Verbose. Too verbose. Lan Xichen, not xiongzhang or Xichen. Even his imagination wouldn't conjure an illusion so inaccurate. This isn't just a simple case of his mind making things up.

The last thing he remembers is Lan Zhan, his Lan Zhan sending waves of spiritual energy and holding him close, so he can rest assured his body is safe. The hand slips from his cheek, as the "Lan Zhan"—no, the corpse, raises his chin making him look directly at it.

"What is Wei Ying thinking of?" it croons and Wei Ying looks away from it, and bites his lip as way of disguising his eyes roaming over the interior of the Jingshi, now that he looks carefully, the arrangement of the bed, the dresser, everything is out of order—the hand on his chin tightens, "Wei Ying, I'm right here."

The meaning is subtle, and Wei Ying turns to it, his expression as if hesitant, "I..I'm worried about the kids.." he takes on a concerned expression, not entirely faked, "Can you take me to see them?"

A pulse of Lan Zhan's--his Lan Zhan's spiritual energy abruptly floods him, and then is gone. It is a miracle he is able to keep his expression level and unbothered by it, but he's beginning to put the pieces together. He needs to keep the creature distracted, talking.

"Wei Ying," the creature wearing Lan Zhan's body says, almost chiding, "they need their rest, and you need your own rest. I am here with you; do not worry about them for the time being.”

Wei Ying knows it isn't the right time to push. He decides on a different approach, "You know how I get when there's a mystery to solve, Lan Zhan!" he protests with a playful smile, "You can't expect me to rest without any explanation? What happened? How did I get hurt? What did the healers say?" Simple questions, things he would've asked Lan Zhan in any case.

There's a lingering heat of Lan Zhan's qi swirling around within him, too weak to actually heal him or bring him out of this state, but enough to sharpen his perception and remove his pain. He knows his husband is trying to save him and there's no person more capable than his Lan Zhan. Something in him settles at that. Let Lan Zhan work from the outside to resolve the situation. Wei Ying will work from the inside to get more information.

The expression that crosses the corpse's face, of being caught off-guard, seems so foreign on Lan Zhan's face, but it composes itself and lets go of his chin, and seems to contemplate before deciding on an expression of utmost gentleness and care. "This," it says, as it reaches to touch the back of his neck, where one of the webbings must be, "is a mark of possession." A hint of darkness, desire, flashes in its eyes, "It means Wei Ying's qi has been flooded with another’s—" Wei Ying tenses, but the corpse has no suspicion in its eyes, meaning it was referring to that moment in the forest—"and Wei Ying is one of the few who have been able to reject it, so these," it reaches down to his arm, tracing over the red, "remain as a reminder." It looks enthralled, pleased even.

And Wei Ying feels his lips press flat. "I don't like them at all!" He pretends to whine, shows how he absolutely abhors the idea of it, feeling satisfied when it frowns in displeasure. "I don't like any marks other than the ones Lan Zhan makes,” he adds, looking at the corpse through his lashes.

Its facade almost slips, with the anger appearing on its face, and Wei Ying fights back a smug smile when another rush of his husband's warm spiritual energy wraps around him. The corpse-creature's face blurs for a moment, with that rush of qi, but then resettles. It looks distinctly displeased, though it tries to mask the expression with one of fondness that looks laughably fake. Wei Ying does not laugh.

"If my Lan Zhan wanted to make some marks," Wei Ying says coyly, trailing off in a suggestive manner. The creature seems to freeze and flicker, as if it is wholly unsure of what to do with that. And Wei Ying pulls back just as the corpse makes a hesitant hand gesture and says, softly, "Of course I'm joking Lan Zhan, you know your Wei Ying, I can't relax until I see the kids, and—" he adds seeing it fume "—you too, I know you're worried about them but they're strong! So they'll be fine!"

Wei Ying finishes his 'assurance' and Lan Zhan succeeds. There's a towering surge of qi coursing through him, ready to pull him back, his to command. By now, he is so familiar with his husband's qi that he can use it as his own. He sees how it makes the creature's eyes widen and falter. He smiles coyly, tapping his chin as the binds holding him to this place snap one by one.

"Now, who are you, my dear friend?" he asks as Lan Zhan's power unseals his own. The core he has cultivated so diligently pulses with power and the remaining binds disintegrate. Before the illusionary world around him can disappear, he reaches forward and slams a palm against the creature's chest, a smile of triumph curling at his lips.

"There you are," he whispers and drags them both to the real world that awaits them. His eyes flicker towards the real Lan Zhan, who looks pale and strikingly furious, and smirks coyly, "Lan Zhan! Someone had the audacity to steal your Wei Ying from you!"

The fury in his husband's eyes brightens into an inferno ready to destroy the most powerful of foes, and Wei Ying can't help but quiver in delight, in satisfaction. No words are needed between them, their souls and actions in perfect harmony. The creature that had taken him, and now is beholden to him, collapses and rebuilds itself, now not in Lan Zhan's form but again the form of the corpse he and the juniors had first encountered. It tries to fight against his power, but it stands no chance.

Lan Zhan steps forward, Bichen already unsheathed and ready to cut the corpse down, but Wei Ying shakes his head. He turns to the corpse, "Now, my friend, let's figure out what you are."

Wei Ying slams a talisman on the creature's chest and watches in satisfaction as it binds the creature completely. It squirms and tries to break the binds but to no avail. Seeing that the prisoner is secure, the juniors, healthy and hale, rush forward, gathering around him in concern.

Wei Ying smiles and meets Lan Zhan's eyes over their heads. 'Ah,' He thinks with something like heat curling in him, 'still furious.'

Indeed, Lan Zhan is furious. His eyes are dark and tracking all of Wei Ying's movements. His smile takes on an edge and he tilts his head to the side, baring his neck just slightly. Lan Zhan's eyes narrow and lips thin.

"Aiya," he pats the children indulgently, "Let your senior go, your Hanguang-jun is getting impatient."

The juniors flush red, and mutter excuses to leave. Wei Ying looks at Lan Zhan and reaches forward to pull him, but that movement shifts his sleeve to show the red markings and he finds his arm in the other’s grasp as Lan Zhan pulls him closer, so Wei Ying’s weight is entirely on his body as if he's hugging him. He's startled.

"Ah, Lan Zhan what're you—" he cuts off mid-sentence as Lan Zhan curls one hand around his waist, holding him close, and the other raises his hair, letting air brush against his nape. The sensation tingles; Lan Zhan knows his weak spot and with the energy flow from earlier it's sensitive, and Wei Ying flushes figuring out—"Lan Zhan, wait, wait—Ah!!"

His back arches and he shivers as Lan Zhan’s lips infused with spiritual energy land on his neck and he continues with a sharp bite, one that lets Wei Ying know just how displeased his husband is, how worried he had been and how thankful he now is that they are safe. Wei Ying can't help the squeak that comes from him at the action, but he is not hurt. The bite is followed by a tender kiss, one that spreads his husband's spiritual energy through him, chasing away the redness of the spider-webbed marks on his arms, filling him with comfort and at the same time lighting a fire in him.

"Wei Ying is careless," Lan Zhan says, lips moving against Wei Ying's skin when he doesn't even pull away to speak, "I have been worried, Wei Ying was gone, alone."

He says the last part softly but Wei Ying hears it anyway with their bodies together, he can feel his warmth, their heartbeats and breaths mingling together, he can feel him and Wei Ying feels at ease, Lan Zhan’s words make his heart ache, 'Aish his beloved', "Lan-er-gege," he begins, his voice mellow and teasing, "Lan-er-gege, I felt you," he says, tracing Lan Zhan's back with his fingers as his breathing hitches. "I wasn't alone,” he finishes.

After waiting for a moment to soak in the comfort, Wei Ying leans back and looks at his husband, before leaning in to pull him into a kiss Lan Zhan leans into him, desperate and fierce. A strong arm curls around his back, holding onto him tightly. Wei Ying feels fond as he cups his husband's face, making soothing noises in the back of his throat even as the kiss grows heated. He pulls away with a gasp, chuckling when Lan Zhan doesn't let go, dipping his head to kiss along his jaw, "Aiya, husband, we're in public. Your uncle could arrive any moment now."

Lan Zhan doesn't let go and Wei Ying yelps when sharp teeth sink into his flesh once again, "How cruel to your poor Wei Ying!"

"It would seem you're well, Wuxian," An amused voice interrupts them and Wei Ying startles, looking beyond his beloved to see Lan Xichen watching them in amusement. Wei Ying pushes Lan Zhan away and, this time, his husband parts with him reluctantly to bow to their brother. There's not even an ounce of shame on his beloved's face and Wei Ying feels flushed. How unfair.

He turns to greet Lan Xichen. "Da baizi! Yes, I'm okay!" Lan Wangji's arm around him tightens and Wei Ying squirms slightly. Their robes are already in a complete state of disarray. "Lan Zhan!" he whispers though he's pretty sure it’s still loud, and, sure enough, he hears a chuckle as Lan Xichen shakes his head slightly.

"That's a relief," he smiles at them, which Wei Ying returns just as bright, "I will not hold you up further," he says gently, and adds a joyful and teasing, "I'll go let Uncle know."

To not disturb you is left unsaid as he turns to leave and Wei Ying hides his face in Lan Zhan's neck as he hums in agreement, completely unrepentant. "Lan Zhaaaan" but doesn't say anything else as the door closes. The smile remains on his face; everyone is home safe, Wei Ying is happy, and it all feels right once again.

#storytime with bunnies #mdzs fic #wangxian #mdzs juniors #wei wuxian #lan wangji #lan sizhui #lan jingyi #jin ling #post canon #wei wuxian and the juniors #justdoityoufucker #vrishchika