Tumgik
#and yet here i am writing a vent post on tumblr that like two people at most will see
milknhonies · 3 months
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𓃔 Cow Of The Day MERRY CHRISTMAS 𓃔
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Hi everyone. I know it's disappointing that I've tagged you and there's no story attached to this post. But in a way there is....
Once upon a time there was a young woman, so young you might just call her a girl. She had left a bad friend group and then her father died. Her life felt it had no meaning. After two whole years of misery, being naive and taken advantaged by roommates, family members and other awful people, she had enough... And went to the movies...it was huge!
A sequel to a movie from twelve years ago. Avatar: The Way of Water
She recalled how there was a way to change things or make characters fall in love with you...writing fanfiction. She logged onto her Tumblr and began typing...
And that fanfiction gained attention from a lot of people very quickly. She was stunned by the amount of likes, reblogs, comments and private messages.
And then it went further...
She chose to write and vent her feelings and decided it didn't feel like it was healing her, only making her more furious. She decided to test how it would feel to imagine a rewrite the things she wished would happen in her life to take the sting of reality and her trauma away. It helped her confront her feelings through words in the mouths of fictional characters. The nightmares lessened.
And that fanfic took off too...it was dark, it was perverse and people really enjoyed the angst of it.
I'm here to say thankyou all to all who have stuck loyally with me and read my fics. Thankyou to those who have followed this account after I was shadowbanned and thankyou to those who are reading this.
I hope nothing but the best for you all. Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Merry Yuletide, Happy Kwanza and all those who gets to share this special day across the globe.
I am all alone this 25th like so many, yet here on Tumblr, it is borderless and it is like I get to share the feasts of millions.
May all you and your kin receive blessings for all good things. Rest, Peace, Wealth, Kindness, Warmth and full bellies.
@55rose
@alainabooks143
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askmarshandbroflovski · 4 months
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In response
((OOC
i checked this blog today to make sure it hadnt been deleted and saw a few things in the inbox. i want to clear up a couple of things. if this is the last post to ever hit this blog, so be it, but heres the endcase:
no, i decided not to make the end comic. i wrote this story nine years ago with someone i loved very much. it sort of became a net for my feelings about my loss and addiction. it was messy and weird and put a lot of my perspectives on display. ive been clean for two years now and i think its okay not to tie up this story with a neat end. like stan and kyle, i graduated and i got older and i have a career. thats all it would have been. i would have tried to ascribe some deeper meaning to making a dumb thing in high school, and i would have tried really hard to make it feel like the way things were back then were okay. i dont really feel like revisiting it. comics are hard. it took me a very long time to write and create something that can be read in maybe an afternoon. maybe you just had to be there. by following stan and kyle for as long as it took, you followed me and my coming to grips with being a person. really, this was just longform vent art about whatever dumb bullshit occurs to a high school junior. but i know it helped some people and entertained some other people so, i will be leaving it up. i just dont think ill ever slap a neat bow on it. my story wont have a neat end and neither will stan and kyles.
no, i wont end the craig blog either. i havent logged into that one in a while and i think if tumblr wants to wash it away thats okay. it was a way for me to reclaim some control over a narrative and maybe explore some deeper feelings (surprise, my birth father Also went missing, who knew) but it ultimately didnt amount to much. whatever happened to craig is up to you. my interpretation wasnt liked much anyway, and to have an askblog, you need people to be curious about the premise. i didnt connect as much with it and the frustration associated with running a project like that outweighed whatever i got out of it. i still dont know what that was.
anyway. i moved onto writing dnd campaigns and i am still alive. i still make art sometimes. i still get anxious when i see the inbox notifs, but these days, 9 times out of 10 its spam. i hope you guys all liked the south park post-pandemic aged up specials. i didnt, but im nitpicky and kind of bitter about the idea altogether. i havent seen an active askblog since 2017 but hey. be nice to people who make things. if you feel so inclined, maybe go make something for yourself. id like to thank the people who were curious and had fun here. id like to thank sekrit, neggy, rachel, five, ozzy and nadia. id like to thank everyone who let me tell my story. its just not over yet.
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frecklydork · 24 days
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I’m so very glad you liked the 3rd fic too and you found comfort in it. I saw your vent art, and boom! It just came to me.
Can I admit something to you? You’re actually the first person on tumblr I’ve shared my writing with. I saw your original post about a Court x Keri fic and I don’t know, I just felt compelled to share. And then again and again!
And the fact you responded so positively really makes me happy. So thank you for your kind remarks.
Also congratulations, sweet friend. You’re the only person on this entire website - and one of two in real life besides me - who has access to my work :)
Whaaaat!!!! I'm so honored!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 That is extremely kind of you to trust me with viewing your writing. I think it's absolutely beautiful.
You have such a lovely way of tapping into a character and why they'd function the way they do. Like with your Six fic for example I really loved how you put this little sentence abt him being very sneaky, despite not trying to be, it's just ingrained into him from nearly two decades of being a CIA operative, being trained to act that way. Hell, maybe longer. He probably trained himself from a young age to be quiet and tiptoe around the house, given his... unfortunate family circumstances.
Or when you wrote that really sweet comfort fic... you had Ken hold me - er, my scared little star form - close to his chest, and he slipped from the leather couch and sat on the floor. I really like that line. That's a very Ken thing to do. We've never seen him do that in the movie, yet when you read that, you think "oh yeah he'd absolutely do that". It's a childlike, innocent gesture, and it really brings out his dollness. I love his dollness, I love little things like that 🥺 I love the little quirks and mannerisms about different characters doing different tiny throwaway things that make up a lot of who they are
I am so honored that you not only trusted me enough to share your work with me, but to even have your writing customized Just For Me. like... I know my name is Keri, but every time I'd read Ken or Six calling me Keri I'd be like "GASP. I'M KERI??? 🥺🥺🥺💘💘💘 THAT'S ME??? THEY'RE TALKING TO ME?? 🥺🥺🥺" SDFLKJSDLKFSF it just feels really exciting. And it's SO HELPFUL dude I've been struggling so freaking badly with feeling comforted/safe for such a long time, and I really really need these characters. I've always relied on fiction to get through the day. Getting that reassurance that they love me is so helpful, and especially in fic form; my gosh, that's one of the best experiences, I think, for someone to take the time and energy to create something for you. And you did that for me? A random person on the internet? I'm so touched.
"Your F/O loves you" is such a common reminder people in the self shipping community will leave in inboxes. I don't think I go a month without posting at least once "can someone send me reassurance on [insert F/O here]?" and reading positive things abt them being very loving is geuinely sooo helpful. Reading whole entire fics is like, a whole other level of reassurance, because you're writing a detailed series of events unfolding. It doesn't matter if it's 3 sentences or 3 paragraphs or 3 pages. You're mentally painting a picture of characters sitting in a room chatting, and you're making this visual of them being very gentle and loving with me, while tapping into the characteristics of what makes them who they are and how they'd show their fondness/tenderness differently. Having that?? Custom made?? For me???? With the characters I hold so dear to my heart and rely on to get through the day??? It means everything. It means everything and I think you're an incredibly sweet person for going out of your way to do that for me.
Thank you for sharing your writing with me anon, you're a sweetheart and I am giving you the biggest hug. sharing my chocolate chip cookies with you too 🍪💕
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oncedied · 3 months
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i have gone to face the beast and to drivel at his feast,
may the two of us never be seen.
and my love, may you sleep as the oceans fall deep,
and i swear i won’t tell you where I’ve been.
the onceler guy
cayde/saint/vex/voryn
19
he/it/xe/rok. please do not use they/them pronouns to refer to me. I default to he/him and it/its. Reference the information below the cut for how to utilize my neopronouns properly.
weird queer. the t4t butch bear my-agab-is-none-of-your-business fagdyke they tried to warn you about. Local goth guy, resident metal dude. Both doesn’t give a fuck and very much does give a fuck about your feelings and thoughts about things, absorbs things like a sponge as a result. Overthinker and overnanalyzer extreme.
I may occasionally reblog things that are suggestive, follow/scroll at your own discretion. I will not post explicit cock-out nsfw, I have a sideblog for that.
Personal/other sideblog @cayde6feetunder. This is my fandom main blog therefore I follow from here.
rabid machine-animal-demon-monster thing. The Sol Divisive in a physical human-shaped body on Earth. An Ahamkara free from the restraints of mere story. Local batshit dark elf boy. Some sort of creature. Unironic kinnie/alterhuman/etc in 2024 (if it isn’t obvious).
disabled+mentally ill
I am anti-Zionist and pro-Palestine. This does not equate to antisemitism. This is not up for debate nor do I want to debate this because I don’t engage with those “debate me bro” types. Cry me a river and feel free to drown yourself in it too, I don’t want to hear it.
writer. oc haver. feel free to ask me about them, here's my spreadsheet! Tumblr and the destiny community’s most blocked sweetiepie (for having correct opinions and a juicy ass). The guy who promises to write things but then never does it.
Hey I have a discord server too, anyone is welcome even tho a majority of the people there are destiny guys. We are pretty tightly knit but don’t mind newcomers to our fold.
please reference my pronouns page (first link) and the google doc linked therein (first link on pronouns page) for additional information. Such details will also be included here below the cut for convenience, albeit more specific to Tumblr.
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Neopronouns
Xe/xem
Examples taken from the samples on the pronouns page:
I think xe is very nice.
I asked xem if I can borrow xirs pencil.
Xe told me that the house is xirs.
Xe said that xe would rather do it xemself.
The subject pronoun is “xe.” The object pronoun is “xem.” The possessive determiner and possessive pronoun is “xirs.” The reflexive is “xemself.”
Rok/ok
Once more, examples taken from the samples on the pronouns page. This pronoun is taken from the dragon language present in The Elder Scrolls and therefore might be more appropriately suited for it than any other language. thuum.org is a great reference tool.
I think rok is very nice.
I asked rok if I can borrow ok pencil.
Rok told me that the house is ok.
Rok said that rok would rather do it rok.
The subject pronoun is “rok.” The object pronoun is “rok.” The possessive determiner and possessive pronoun is “ok.” The reflexive is “rok.”
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Additional Information
Here I will detail some other key miscellaneous bullet points. I maintain a neutral yet punctual tone through this but since this is through text, prior apologizes if I come across as aggressive.
I do not have a DNI as I am to the belief that they’re useless but know that if I block you it’s for a reason.
Do not tone police me. I don’t need to be made to walk on eggshells anymore by anyone. If you need clarifications, ask me. Do not ever make hard and fast assumptions about anything unless you’re willing to bet on that high-stakes gamble that you also gotta be ready to lose severely. Thank you.
This blog is not a place for drama or discourse. Please don’t start shit with me. Please don’t drag me into shit. Tell me the gossip but do not expect me to get involved or mediate.
If you want to vent to me about something, feel free, but please ask me first. I am low-to-no empathy, but I would like to consider myself compassionate.
Do not harass anyone on my behalf in any and every capacity. You are not righteous. Keep my name out of your mouth.
Do not pester me as to why I blocked you or someone else. I block people liberally and for various reasons. Do not send anyone to pester me as to why I blocked you or someone else. It is most likely between me and the other person involved, or, again, because I block people liberally.
I am anti-pro/comship. No, this does not equate to harassment/doxxing/etc in any way, shape or form and if you are to that assumption not only is it incorrect and not only are those serious accusations, you are on a one-way flight to my blocklist. Me being antiship does not mean that I am anti-dark media. Do not bother me about it. There are way fucking bigger things to worry about in this world.
I am an inclusionist. This means that I support any and every harmless, good-faith identity I.E microlabels, contradictory labels, xenogenders and neopronouns, etc etc. It is not to be confused for radical inclusionism (which, encompasses “identities” that are far from harmless I.E MAP or zoo).
I fucking hate radfems/terfs/TIRFs, if you’re gonna send me anon hate about it and accuse me of being a transphobe in any form over it you are legally required to be funny or you’re just wasting both of our times and it will most likely be deleted anyways cos I don’t have time for that shit. Above all else I believe in the unity of all trans people and will not stand for anyone or anything that will threaten this unity such as general transphobia/(insert any other specific terminology here), radfeminism/terfism et-cetera. If this is something that you are for some reason against you will not have a place here.
I am a therian and I identify with alterhumanity and non-humanity. Do not be weird about it.
I welcome asks and messages! Go crazy.
I only bite in the way that two play-wrestling dogs do.
Please communicate to me about anything and everything. I don’t bite, I would be a hypocrite if I do.
Discord and other usernames are available on request.
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(Galaxy divider source)
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happynewyear-99 · 3 months
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vent, keep scrolling
I have never truly felt like I belonged. The space I am in does not help me, yet I want to moderate it out of my own mania. And I can not leave, in fear of losing friends. Or people who I think are my friends, however this is not two-sided.
Actually, what even is the point of trying to befriend someone so desperately despite knowing how different you are? Is it their rank? I don't want it to be that way. I have never wanted to befriended someone because of their rank, yet I cannot help but push myself into a box that this is what I am doing, while knowing that pushing myself into a box is not a good idea. I hate being hyper-aware of all that I can not change.
I am oh so lonely, yet I can not maintain friendships. I accept that they drift away and I will never see them again, when I can change this reality at any point. I just don't know how.
I hate the skin that I live in. I hate how it feels like I'll never be mature until I am 16. I'm going to be annoying and it won't end.
If there is a God out there, why was I shaped so horribly? Made from spare parts and scrap, all to hatch into a butterfly? When do I hatch? I don't think I can hatch. I don't think I am a caterpillar. I think that this is what I will just be now. This feeling has been unchanging for so long, I don't think it even can.
I center the world around myself, but not in a way that is malicious or anything, but in a way that is meant to protect me. If I say that I am amazing, maybe people will see it that way. I'm tired of it all.
My skin is too heavy for my fragile bones. I speak and stare at my words on the outside. I can not leave, there is nowhere to go. I am stuck here, here until the rot finally takes me. If only it'd take me sooner.
I want to fall asleep until I wake up a butterfly. Too much?
I am a human i am a human i am a human i am a human i am a human i am a human i am a human i am a human i am a human i am a human i am a human
the door is open i just don't know where to go
the door is open
it is open
i can see it open
it is open
i do not want to leave
it is not safe
not that id know
ive never been there
and thats scary
it might even kill me
I am going through an episode. A manic and depressive episode all at the same time, strengthened by my bipolar. Which one? Hell if I know. Took me damn long enough to get to this point. I write this all on a Tumblr post because the thought of people viewing me makes me happy. Does that make me an attention seeker? I hope not.
la la la
tra la la
lee lee lee
I like to imagine a content creator reading all of this as if it were a clue for an ARG. Why would someone even read a vent? Well, it COULD be fictional! Maybe they'll give us a clue to solve the next puzzle! I wish. I wish this was fake.
I make up scenarios in my head, but too many. Even when I talk to someone, I mentally prepare for questions they would never ask, just so I can answer them in case it happened. Which it never does.
Have I mentioned that I love answering questions? I love answering questions, even difficult ones. I like to think of solutions, even if none of them are really that good, all things considered.
I love music that is so loud it sounds like pain. Like a computer screaming as it dies. It makes the loudness of my head sound quieter and then it stops
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sutille · 1 year
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this is just venting because i don't wanna burden people who know me irl with my stuff. i just need to put it out there because i haven't had therapy for a month and it is really hard to talk to anyone and it is easier to post it somewhere that few people will see.
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i am so overwhelmed by the whole college thing. i want to go and study abroad because the education in my country isn't really the best. but every entrance requirements i have seen include this ib or gce or certain grades certificates and i just. i don't have that. i haven't even graduated yet but i think my graduate certificate is obsolete compared to the certificates on every other country that's not in latinamerica.
i don't want to study here in my country. i want to help and save lives and not be as useless as i am. and i know that i could study the basics or the six year career and then specialise in the country i want, but i am terrified of the future. i do not think i will live past my twenty-one or two years and i don't think i even want to.
I've been trying so fucking hard to keep myself alive but it just keeps gettinf harder and harder, not because of what happens in my life, but becase of what is happening with the world. i acknowledge that i ignore a lot. i ignore so fucking much of what is going on with pretty much everything because i am scared. i am scared that everything i do will be useless and i will help no one because the world is just so so fucked up.
i want to study abroad because i want to probably die somewhere i like. somewhere my family and friends won't see me just, stop taking care of myself. somewhere i can die alone and hopefully leave having helped people. i just. i am so scared of everything. and i know it's okay to be scarex, but i am such a coward and i don't think i deserve to still be bere when there are so many people that suffer and don't give up.
i have it good. i have it so so so fucking good and i still am depressed and anxious and suicidal mkst of the time. my trauma does not excuse my weak behaviour and j judt. i don't want this. i don't think i want myself to live a long time and that is fucked up but i havd come to terms with that since i was eleven. how messed up do i have to be? how brojen and stupid and useless do i havr to be to be writing this on tumblr? i am just another random person who doesn't help, but just makes things worse and i just. i know i should talk. to my friends or my mom or therapist. but they care.
here on the internet i can be just another depressing random person whose words will be forgotten in seconds. i don't harm anyone because no one here really knows me and they woukd be okay if i died. they wouldn't even think i was dead. but irl they will care. they will try to fix me just like they have tried for five years. they have out up with my bullshit for too much time. to them i am now happy and healthy. i don't want to be the reason why they are sad and worried. i can't do that. i don't want to do that. so yeah. just. sorry.
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junepegbert · 3 years
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mm. feelings.
#anyways so my dog is dying and yeah it;s normal to be sad and cry and shit#especially over a pet you've had for like 7 years#but god. i genuinely just can't handle this right now#i can't even like properly feel bad because i'm always too tired or just. don't have the capacity to feel strong emotions about shit#like i can't fully process this? i was just crying for a good 15+ minutes laying next to him on the floor#and after that i just. feel normal#not like good normal like 'i just cried and got it all out' i mean#normal like i'm USED to this level of grief or whatever#this just is a whoooole fuckin mess and i can't even like. do anything to help myself because i know everyone who could even comfort me#is too busy being asleep because Timezones but still#i just know that when i get up after passing out tomorrow i'll be unable to talk like this until The Next Tragic Event#so i'll do this for now and then well#if anyone sees this hi i guess#but god it's. i don't even have the energy to grieve or hate myself for not being able to grieve#i'm just gonna go and add this to the list of issues i have and i hate that because i need to be able to address my own fucking emotions#and yet here i am writing a vent post on tumblr that like two people at most will see#i just miss. being able to feel y'know? like genuinely feel many complicated things#like yeah i hate myself and detest myself but like. in a chill way because i can't fucking even HATE myself right this sucks dick#and by 'right' i just mean like hate myself with energy it's literally just 'huh you're a freak who everyone is going to hate if they learn#more about you' or 'you can't be genuinely nice to anyone because you have to put so much effort into everything' or just. etc etc my point#has been made#i just wish i could like. FEEL feel y'know. everything is just at most miserable or at normal. just. real bad#anyways everything is criiiinge#vent
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melon-kiss · 3 years
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This is just going to be a ramble about everything Sherlock. You’re most welcome to discuss or just ignore it. I needed the space to vent.
I watched Sherlock. Again. I think it’s beginning to become my annual tradition. And I have a crisis. Don’t get me wrong, I am always Sherlollian at heart. It’s just… I have doubts sometimes. And what triggered those doubts this time was the fact that Sherlock calls Molly “John”. Twice. And then Irene Adler. And then one post on Tumblr. And many, many more.
OK, these are just my random thoughts. Enjoy if you’re willing to read them.
 1. “John”. “Molly”.
We often mix up names of people we consider to have the same place in our lives. Which is good, right? Right. Only, in Sherlock’s case, we’d have lean into the theory that Sherlock does love John romantically and feels the same way about Molly. Or concede the fact that he loves them both platonically. Neither of these options is really satisfying, isn’t it? Well, that’s why I’m struggling… One could say he’s in denial of feelings for Molly and identifies them as friendship, as this is the strongest, purest relationship in his life, the only one he describes as emotional and the closest he’s ever had to love. Besides, Molly and John are similar in one way – they both share the same – medical – knowledge. Of course, Sherlock doesn’t realise her other qualities until The Reichenbach Fall when she says she can help him whenever he needs it. It’s not until she’s honest with him again and tells him, without a shred of grudge, that she knows she means nothing to him, that he realises he has at least two friends. He calls her “John” when his mind is busy with something else, so there’s no room for any purposeful confusion. The same thing happens in The Empty Hearse. What else can it mean if not friendship?
 2. Nothing Hits Like Irene
Irene Adler is created as the love interest for Sherlock. Is she, though? Well, we see Sherlock utterly confused upon their first meeting. We also see him flirting and creating an atmosphere of sexual tension for the first time. OK, he saves her but then she vanishes, he got over her, I thought. And all was fine until The Lying Detective came and Irene Adler sent a text to Sherlock, first in such a long time. John, of course, suggests that if Sherlock should be romantically involved with anyone, it should be her. And then it hit me.
Irene Adler is the symbol of chemistry in Sherlock’s life.
She’s a dominatrix. She’s all about sex, that’s obvious. At the critical point of The Scandal in Belgravia Sherlock says: I believe John Watson thinks love’s a mystery for me but the chemistry is incredibly simple and very distractive. Sherlock discovers that he, indeed, can have chemistry with people. He doesn’t mention love, he merely says sentiment, referring to the crush Irene Adler had on him. She is, indeed, a simple distraction – you can see it clearly in his memory palace when he yells at her to get away. But Molly… Molly stays. She leads him through the entire process of surviving a shot.
And then Irene Adler returns in The Lying Detective. John confesses to Sherlock about texting with a stranger met on the bus. And that he wanted more. Sherlock says everyone gets to be human sometimes. Even he can’t resist the urge of replying to Irene Adler sometimes. It was all about attraction again.
And that’s why she’s not considered a romantic relationship in his life. John rambles about love changing him, to be more specific, the love of his woman changing him. But he says Irene’s a dangerous criminal. How would that change Sherlock in any way?
In The Final Problem, upon deducing the coffin, John suggests Irene Adler but she’s not his first thought in general once they all hear that this is about someone who loves Sherlock. Sherlock’s response is very telling: Don’t be ridiculous. Look at the coffin. It seems like Sherlock pieces the puzzle at once – the coffin, plus the “name” on the lid – it couldn’t have been Irene Adler.
And that’s why Sherlock calls her The Woman. As a symbol of his sexuality. The Woman who’s woken up certain impulses in his life.
 3. Makeshift Gauge
Who is she?, Sherlock asks John in His Last Vow.
Based on what Mofftiss duo said about Molly, she was supposed to be featured in two episodes top. Yet, she stayed. The uncanonical character not only stayed but became fans’ favourite. I think she became a useful tool for Moffat and Gatiss. I think that not only she represents Sherlock heart (of which existence he has no idea at first) but later becomes our makeshift gauge. For what? For measuring Sherlock’s progress. See, it’s like when you live with someone, you don’t notice when they put on weight or grew a little but those who see less of them will notice all changes right away. So, when Sherlock runs around with John, we don’t notice the change in his behaviour at once (also because he’s always been nice to him, from the very beginning), we need to focus to see that. But Molly pops by once per episode and we see how Sherlock’s perception changes. In season one, he has good intentions, but they turn out bad. In season two, he’s more neutral but doesn’t restrain himself from rude comments. And Molly is being Molly – tells him he’s rude in her natural, soft way and he says sorry. For the first time. Without anyone making him do that. Almost the same happens in The Reichenbach Fall – but this time, Molly doesn’t let herself be fooled by Sherlock’s arrogance and just ignores it, going straight to the point. She says: “I’m here for you” and lowers his defences. In season three, he spends an entire day with her, smiles at her and is the sweetest, softest Sherlock we’ve ever seen. Moreover, when Lestrade asks him about her helping him solve cases, he says: [John] is not in the picture anymore, implying that she not necessarily had to be a temporary replacement. In season four, he says I love you to her.
What can we deduce about his heart?
 4. The Eurus Conundrum
We could write an entire book about Eurus and not even be able to grasp her spirit. I’m not going to do that right now.
I have issues with what happened in season four finale. I mean – Molly, of course. Mycroft says Eurus and Jim Moriarty met five years ago, so before Moriarty revealed himself to Sherlock. They both planned the entire game for Sherlock. Does that mean Sherlock never really won with him? Does that mean Moriarty let him use Molly to “win”? Since she was included in Eurus’ plan, we can safely assume Jim knew about Molly back then. At first, when I saw Moriarty saying We both know that’s not quite true [that you don’t have a heart] in many Sherlolly fanvids, I was like naaaaah. He didn’t see her as one of the important people in Sherlock’s life, it couldn’t have been a reference to their meeting. But now… how deeply back in time was Eurus’ plan allocated? Which events did she predict?
Or maybe I’m missing something? Any thoughts on this?
 5. Sherlock Evergreen
I once came across a post here, about how BBC Sherlock is literature, about sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s struggle with his own genius character. He was over with him, didn’t feel like writing any more of his stories so he killed him, but fans demanded more. He kept writing, although he hated it from the bottom of his heart. Season four, so often considered as the worst of all of them, is a way of saying that Sherlock character is, unfortunately, invincible. Immortal. He will live forever. We can’t kill him, no one can. Even his creator couldn’t have done it.
In season four, Sherlock goes back to the start. He is a clean slate again. He went through the entire process of change – became a good Sherlock, considerate of other people’s feelings and emotions, appreciative, supportive, loving, ready to mend what he broke. That interpretation, although very good, kind of killed my Sherlolly spirit. But I guess every interpretation like this would do it. If we stop treating characters like real human being, we’re left with what they really are – a construct, tools, puppets in the author’s hands.
Based on this, I think we’re safe to say there will never be a fifth season of BBC Sherlock (gosh, how I wish I was wrong!). Why? Because, despite what Moffat said in an interview once (after season three finale he said they’ve plotted out the entire fourth and fifth season – liar, liar, pants on fire!), season four had the perfect ending. As mentioned above, Sherlock became a good man and Mary Watson summed up what Sherlock is all about: two man, a genius junkie and a former soldier, who solve the weirdest, the toughest of cases together in flat on 221B Baker Street. Now, Sherlock is ready to be taken over by other artists who may find a new way to tell his story (though, I don’t think so) all over again.
And that’s a big, big shame… I think I speak for at least most of Sherlollians when I say we’d like to see Sherlock and Molly’s first encounter after the call. The finale really closed all the story arcs and subplots, except for this one. I mean, c’mon. You don’t have to be a Sherlollian to be annoyed by this – just remember that it was such a “biggie” that Moffat was asked about this in an interview. And this may be another reason as to why we won’t ever get a fifth season of Sherlock – because that would mean taking a side. And none of the creators will do it because Sherlock cannot be an open-and-shut case. It has to be like literature: big, open, twisted, unclear and full of room for interpretation. As long as there’s no certain explanation – yes, Sherlock loves Molly, no, Sherlock is gay – we create more and more content out of the need of closure. Thanks to the room for interpretation, the story lives. I mean, it’s been four years since The Final Problem airing and here I am, discussing BBC Sherlock still.
 Coming back to Sherlolly… don’t worry. Though I’m still not sure that we can harvest any hard evidence for Sherlock’s feelings for Molly (other than friendship and respect), I’m still a Sherlollian. There two new fics waiting for me to pull myself together and write them. I think it’s good to have doubts – it means my brain hasn’t rotten yet and I can still be critical, I’m able of having my own opinions.
 Thank you if you managed to read it all! I’d love to discuss if you have any conclusions. If not, that’s fine, too. I just needed it get it out of my system.
PS WHY DOES MY POSTS IN ENGLISH SOUND SO SOPHISTICATED IN MY HEAD BUT WHEN I PUT THEM IN WRITING, THEY’RE SO SHITTY?!
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Text
Allright. Elliott thread that nobody asked for. Part 4
The words you read seem to be some alien gibberish? Try these first:
Part 1   |    Part 2     |   Part 3      
Don’t worry guys. It will be over soon, I promise.
Bevore we start: This happened yesterday.
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And I basically turned into that iCarly gif, where she’s on the Computer, sippin’ her drink and goes: interesting.
Because look who we have here. Our future husband acting all self-aware? Right after I assumed in my last post that he never talks about the possibility of his failure...
Elliott, do you know that I talk shit about you on Tumblr?
Please stop breaking the 4th wall...
To safe at least some of my ‘credibility’, he followed this up with something along the lines of:
“No, no...I am not fishing for compliments. Which does not mean I don't appreciate them ;) “.
Sure. Whatever.
In comparison to that:
A few in-game days previously, I had a cut-scene with Leah, where the player can suggest that she should organise an art show. And there, Leah openly communicated her fears of ppl not liking her art. I was surprised about how open she was, given that it was probably her 2nd heart event or something (?). It's interesting, how Leah (who I perceived to be more reserved than Elliott), was so willing to let us know about her insecurities. Meanwhile, Elliot seems to brush these thoughts aside rather quickly and returns to his nonchalant, graceful self.
I always thought that from the two of them, it might be Elliott who is more vocal about his emotions. But now, Elliott doesn't seem to wear his heart on his sleeves as much as I thought he would. Which changed the way I think about him quite a bit. Maybe he is more likely to hide behind platitudes and a self-assuring smile, after all.
And what can we take from this, when we would want to write, let’s say a scene with Leah/Elliott friendship dynamic?
What do you guys think?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyways, before I was so disgracefully exposed, I was roasting Elliott’s life choices. To which I now gladly return to.
You see, the "issue" I see with Elliott is, that he plays into a trope:
The brooding hermitic author, who turned his back onto society in favour of finding inspiration in nature.
While this might sound thrilling and "romantic", we know that Elliott is not the best candidate to conform to this lifestyle. Just compare, how we as the player, manage to form quite strong relationships with everyone in Pelikan Town just by talking to them regularly.
We see Elliott outside the beach-area quite often. But aside from Leah, he does not seem to interact with anyone much. I don't know if there are statements about Elliott made by other characters, to have some inkling on how they feel about him. But its quite remarkable, how all other friendships outside to his connection with Leah, are not explicitly known as canon (?).
After a whole year living in this town, previous to our arrival, I would suggest, that Elliott might still be very much an outsider. He even remarks how, with our arrival, it will be nice, to no longer be "the new guy" in town.
But the problem with that might have been Elliott's reservedness, to begin with. Polite, but yet, maybe, quite impersonal. All pleasantries and platitudes as mentioned above. It all plays into Elliott's refusal to experience the comforts of a normal lifestyle in favour of pursuing his art.
And I love how Elliott just brushes that aside as if its nothing. I'd really love to know: what would have been his plan b, if his debut failed?
Worst case cenario: What would he'd done, if he ended up stranded in Pelikan Town, penniless and unsuccessful?
Where would he go? Is there a place he can return to? A previous home, previous friends?
I don't think so.
But, dedicated, impuslive, sweet, dumb Elliott just thought to himself:
“I can do that. How bad can it be???, it will be fi~ne.It will be marvellous!
Authentic, truly!
It will be superb pictouresque and that is all I need to write my novel....”
Thanks Yoba. You’ll keep doing that please.
And then we also have interactions of the likes of:
“People have scaped a living off the sea for thousands of years....
I just go to the grocery store.”
A different thought I had on Elliott kind of plays into what I already said previously. But I will adress it as its own topic.
The downside of Elliott’s ego.
As much as we explored the rather whacky / chaotic elements of his character and how he does stupid shit for prestige itself, it is interesting to see what happens when the player challenges his self-dramatisation.
I keep re-thinking if and to what degree Elliott can laugh about himself.
He is not one for self-deprecating humour, I think.
I can imagine that to be more Shane’s thing.
We see different scenarios, in which Elliott reacts differently to things not going his way. One of the positives is the whole “A tiny crab made a home inside his coat pocket”- story. I have seen two interpretations of this scene. And both are dependent on the tone, in which you read his dialogue. One group thinks he is just complaining yet again.
On the other hand, you could read it more like:
“My, look what we have here. Can you believe that [y/name]?!“.
I think that Elliott does not appear to be angry or annoyed at all in that scenario, too. He could have vented to the player, how he needs a new coat, now.  But he simply leaves it at that. And you know what?
But, there are other times, where Elliott reacts negatively to the player not doing what he wants you to do. Meaning:  your reaction to him or your behaviour in a specific situation. Let's look at his 2nd (?) heart event at the Stardrop Saloon. He comes up to the bar, finds himself in the mood for company, and orders wine for you and ale for himself. 
New Headcanon:
That little crab still lives there! It will probably live there long after you two get married. And he will feed it scraps from the dinner table even though you ask him not to.
Whatever...Sounds Cute. 
My first reaction to that was: “aw, wHaT a GeNtLemAn!!!”. My second reaction was my inner feminist having a temper tantrum because: “how dare a man, to assume what I want to drink!” 
New Headcanon on Elliott and gender roles, anyone? Or is it given, that with him being a good old fashioned lover boy, his expectation on any relationship dynamic might be more traditional?
As much as I find Elliott charming and all, this could be a great red flag and, again, beautiful material for character-conflict. Maybe Elliott needs to learn to not take everything at face value. Maybe he needs to learn, how to take a joke. Especially those made at his expense.
However, when the question arises, what the two of you should drink on, he will not laugh if you say “your doom”.
This is not something he sees as sarcasm or as a joke. In fact, you lose 50 friendship points! Like holy shit. That in itself is not much, but its a game-penalty. He is actively reacting negatively toward you. This is one of the few times, where your decision actively has an impact on the friendship-metre. Of course, that statement could be delivered in a non-joking matter. Which then justifies his reaction.... sure.
But even the fact that Elliott chooses, to not downplay or gloss-over your comment, leaves me with the following interpretation:
He hoped for a charming, flirtatious interaction. All you had to do, was to play along. But you ruined it.
Just imagine a situation with a little bit of miss-communication and a version of Elliott that is a little too proud for his own good and *chef's kiss* we have drama.
Me to Elliott and Farmer-OC: fight! fight! fight! fight! :D
All of you reading right now:
omg can't you just chill??? We are here for the fluff :(((
Also: depending on how it's written, that could be one of Elliott's major character flaws. The one that is not cute at all!
__________________________
I wanted to take some jabs at Elliott's likes and dislikes. But as it turned out: Yes, you can turn Duck feathers into quills. I had this funny headcanon that Elliott wanted to be extra special by choosing duck feathers as his preferred writing instrument. And I was all like: “use a pen!!”.
But then I found out about the Unobtainable Weapons-List and Elliott’s pen is one of them. Okay, whatever. 
And then I asked google how to make quills. And while duck feathers are not the preferred or most popular option, there is also nothing that would speak against it, as long as the feather’s shaft is durable enough. So that theory has flown out of the window pretty quickly as well.
The only thing that comes to my mind instead is, how Elliott would still need a digital manuscript for publishing. But me screaming: “Where is your Laptop Elliott??? You need a computer! Its the 21 century!!!” is not half that funny anymore.
I guess I’ll end it here.
I hope you enjoyed this completely useless stream of consciousness.
I will now continue playing Stardew Valley and indulge in all my other quarantine-born obsessions.
I wish you a wonderful day and happy farming.
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thirstybtsthoughts · 3 years
Note
So I'm curious how many asks do you get and do you answer all of them?
Hi!
This ask has reminded me to do that FAQ post that I keep forgetting about 🥺.
So, short answer is that these days (as the followers keep coming) I get more asks than I can answer 😭.
Long answer is that I used to be able to answer almost every ask (I wouldn't answer inappropriate or repetitive ones). I made a point of trying to answer them all because I feel like I owe it to you guys as you take the time to interact with me and share your thoughts so nicely. I'm so thankful for this space and I love receiving each and every ask 🥰. Also, back then I wasn't working and didn't have any major commitments so I had time to be here and read/answer everything.
Now however, the followers keep coming (hello new followers!) and the asks, though not a massively unbearable amount, are a little too many for me to be able to answer every single one.
It actually pains me when I don't have time to answer, because naturally I hate letting people down, I genuinely want to listen to everything you all have to say and I want to be a person who is here for you in troubling times.
However, I am merely one person, I work two jobs, have family commitments, have family troubles, have mental health troubles, try to have a social life (though mostly non existent), am looking for a hubby (yes, in my culture it's how it works) and spends time on other hobbies/activities. Time is too short in every case 😭
The thing is, reading, taking a moment to appreciate (bc damn do y'all send some good thirst 🥵), and answering an ask takes longer than it may seem. Especially if it's a long one 🥺. I can't and don't want to just rush through them all and bang them out quickly.
I also hate having to close my inbox because I want you to be able to drop in anytime you want, if its to vent, thirst, ask for help, anything at all 🥰.
I'm so so so sorry if you've sent something that hasn't been answered (yet). I do have quite a lot to read and answer right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time answering older asks, as alot of them are about what that person is feeling in the moment, and by the time I get to it they may no longer care, but then again I feel bad if I left it completely, so maybe responding is better than not responding at all.
This is getting long lol but I have alot to say. As this blog has been running for a couple of years now, and new followers continue to drop in, please note that there are topics that have been discussed in depth before. Recently, I keep getting alot of asks talking about these same things and I know it's not your fault as you don't know, but I do end up repeating myself alot 🥺. So if anyone is even reading this far, please go to my masterlist or advice section incase what you're looking for is there.
To those who tell me to stop sexualising the guys. No. I won't. And your asks just end up getting deleted. So there's no point wasting your energy.
To those who just drop a tiktok/instagram/twitter link and say nothing else. It's no fun, at least tell me what you thought of it or how it makes you feel.
To those who make requests for fics... I so badly want to write everything you want, like really truly want to. I have so many ideas myself too. But again there's just no time 😭😭😭. Also I do need to be in a good mindset for it, which just doesn't happen these days. I usually save your requests for the future incase I need inspiration and end up being able to write it.
About today... there were quite alot of asks about Jungkook's piercing and it got too much for me that I had to just answer what I could, I did get frustrated and leave for a while. Whatever, I’m human. It just got so repetitive. If it's already been said, I don't need 20 asks all saying the exact same 😩.
One more thing. I'm sorry that I can't reply to your comments on posts. This is a secondary blog and tumblr won't let me respond to comments using this blog 😭. But I do see each and every one of them and massively appreciate them! We’re all here to help each other and thirst with each other over these seven men, so yessss let’s make it the warmest, safest space for every single person! 
Ultimately, I don't want anyone to feel like they've been ignored. I truly read every single ask even if I don’t answer them all. 
Oh my goddd I’m so sorry this got so long 😭. I really need to do a FAQ 😭. 
I love and appreciate each and every one of you 🥺💜. Please stay here with me in our little void of the internet for as long as you can 🥰. I get attached to you all so fast 😭
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ledamemangociana · 3 years
Text
this is not a happy post
apologies in advance, especially to anyone who followed me coz of my various gifsets; i know this kind of thing isn’t what you’re here for. 
i’m unfortunately prone to a venting a lot and lengthily when my depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues get the better of me. most of the time, im feels-vomiting on my twitter, mostly coz i havent used my tumblr quite as regularly as i used to 6, maybe 7 years ago. i’m mostly doing this here now coz i feel like i need the writing momentum to not be stilted by having to click the “add new tweet” button over and over again.
so. i’m turning 35 two weeks from now. and it is getting to me, possibly because of the situation that the pandemic has kept me in for the past year and a half, maybe because 35 feels like a milestone adult age, maybe because turning 35 means 40 is right around the corner. and the closer my 35th birthday is, the more i’m plagued by thoughts of where i am now, where i’m probably supposed to be as an adult, where i wanted to be, and the thought that i’m just never gonna be good enough to not be who and where i am now.
in feb 2020, i started my new job as the digital marketing manager for a pair of upscale hotels, the biggest deal of a job i’ve ever gotten since i started working in late 2011, and the biggest paycheck i’ve ever signed on for too. for the first time in a long time, possibly in forever, the few big dreams i had ever had for myself seemed to be attainable; it felt like they could become goals. a solo trip to japan, getting a place for myself instead of living in the family condo, growing my collections, maybe having an actual social life, those kinds of things seemed within reach.
and then, literally a month into my new job, the country went into lockdown, and legitimately has never come out of it. my work situation changed drastically, to the point where i ran up both of my credit card bills before the year was over (i literally only just got one of them fully paid off last week, and only because my sister was a HUGE help), and i was living off the limited family funds and relying on dad to take care of me. i had a freelance client for a handful of months, only for them to drop me without word at the end of our contract, leaving me without a chunk of the only funds i was making on my own for a while. i’m now working sporadically at my regular job, with a significant cut to my paid hours and therefore my paycheck, but the tasks list just seems to grow longer with each task that i check off of it, leaving me overworked and underpaid (but of course,i know im not alone or special in this, some people have it far worse than me and i’m grateful that i even have a regular work schedule, even if it does look the way it does). im 260 lbs., wearing size 22 or 24 clothes, somewhat sickly and prone to constant painful gout attacks that make it difficult for me to walk, living in a condo unit owned by family because they’re letting me live here, making only a third of the salary i normally should at work without the panemic, subsisting on junk food and softdrinks (it’s an addiction) because much of my money leaves my wallet and goes to paying bills and loans as soon as the money comes in, alone, unloved, unlovable, as prone to hyperfixation as i’ve ever been, and putting up with constantly re-attaching bromides and instax pics that keep falling off of my recently completed anime wall.
i’m 34 years old. i’m turning 35 in two weeks.
you know who else is 34/35 this year? the local barangay captain, a member of the local govnerment unit, who was one of my classmates in grade school and high school. a few years ago, i had seen a tarp across the street advertising her local work-out and yoga classes.
i’ve always hated the question “where do you see yourself 5 years from now/10 years from now/in the future?” because i’ve never been able to truthfully answer it, even when i wasnt an emotionally unstable mess (which was all the way back in elementary). i close my eyes and try to imagine it, and nothing ever comes up. i’d like to think i have an active enough imagination to have been able to write fanfic a lot back in the day, so you know it’s bad when i can’t even imagine a lofty future for myself. at this point in my life, i can’t even say “just simply alive” because i truly don’t know if i will be, i don’t see it. that’s fatalistic, maybe, but i really have never been able to imagine myself living to 40, let alone past that. anything i want for myself remain dreams, things i dont deserve because im not thin, pretty, smart, cultured, skilled. and the closer i get to 40, the less of that already non-existent future i see. 
and it’s just depressing, you know. like. it’s already so hard being depressed about and hating myself WITHOUT this added thought of “you are only growing older and fatter and are headed literally nowhere and everyone your age is far more responsible and mature than you could even dream you’d ever be” mixed in there too. maybe this is just me beating myself up and being my own harshest bully, but what’s stopping me from believing that i deserve this bullying of myself by myself, lmao. 
i dread every birthday. i stopped dreaming things for myself a long time ago. these are all things i just know i can’t and won’t ever live up to, because i’m just this useless sack of potatoes rotting away in the corner of some barn while everyone else is finding some use for themselves and able to make lemonade out of their own lemons, and stuff like that. and yet knowing i’ll never be those things or have those things makes me sad. for someone with a laundry list of negative things about myself i’ve just learned to accept so i can somehow function, having that list sure does make me sad. and it probably shouldn’t, if im so resigned to all of this, but maybe that’s just what happens when you hate yourself - there will always be a reason for you to hate yourself.
oh, and i think i’m coming down with carpal tunnel in my left hand. great.
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ellovett · 3 years
Text
list of people that made this year pretty neat :)
Hi all
Ok so 2020's almost ending (it just ended i started writing this post like....5 days ago??) and i just wanted to do this thing where i have a message towards everyone who supported me/who i think are just very cool and very epic, i only really got into the twst fandom just at the beginning of the year and im just gonna get straight to the point now messages are under the cut :)
@permanentlyexhaustedowl - AYAAAA ;;;;; bro you're literally one of my first long time friends here in the twst community and i just want to thank you for everything, our convos in either public servers or in pms, your love and support for my content,,or whenever i vent to you,,,,,just- your love and support man i appreciate it so much and i cannot thank you enough, you're just so sweet and caring and supportive and friendly just aghhhhhh ;;;;; even your reblogs make me smile uncontrollably and i explode, also all the brainrots i have about my interests ;;; thanks for listening to all of them,,even tho you really didnt have to ;;;;;; I love how we make our twst ocs interact and the little brainrots we have with them ;;; You've helped me so so so much and in so many ways, I am beyond glad that we're bestfriends, you're one of the nicest most caring people ive ever met and i love you so so so much, beyond belief ;; 💕 pls never stop being you?????? You quacking amazing person??????? 😎🤙💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕
@shoujoqueensstuff - AYYYY SHOUJOOOO!!! 😎🤙🤙 hhhh you're also one of the first people ive ever had a long time friendship with here in the twst community, and seriously bitch i love you so much ;;; so so much..i cant go a day without talking to you about literally anything and just vibing, the support and love you've given me over these months is insane i cannot thank you enough for that, all of our rps, convos or just pure brainrot have been so much fun, and i fucking love it that we built our own little world outside of canon,,all the aus we built with our ocs???? I love them. I love them all to death, including your amazing ocs, and even tho we live on literally opposite sides of the world you're always there for me whenever i vent or when im feeling extremely down or insecure ;; ,,im just so so so happy and glad that i met you and that we're bestfriends, i care about you so so so so so much- hhhh i cant put it into words my brain is dying i just- i LOVE YOU BIITCH, I AINT NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU, BITCH.😎💖💕💖🤙🤙💕💕💖💕 TAKE MY LOVE BITCH 💕💕💕💕💕 thank you so much for sticking around ;; i love you and support you in everything you do so much I could never ever thank you enough for the friendship you've given me..
I can literally go forever on how much i love and appreciate the both of you, i can just scream into the void for all eternity,,but i cant put it into words anymore. You both made my year so great and so epic ;;; i love you guys so much
--
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Now the chaddams 😌
@thetwstwildcard - hi ma :D you're just so cool and so epic lizz ;;; i cant- all of our conversations and brainrots have been super fun and i enjoy your company very much;;; you are just so nice and friendly,, and your ocs (especially staff ocs) are god tier amazing, i will love the nrc mom squad to death. I am honored to be ur child and i love you and father claude (and my four (?) other dads you married) very much 💕💕💕
@alpyssketch - bringer of father claude,,,,i owe you my life alpy,,,,,,but no seriously you're also a very epic person and you're honestly so nice and sweet!!! You never fail to make me feel welcome in any conversation and you're just so damn friendly!!! We may not talk that often but I very much enjoy your company ;;; ily!!! 💖💖💖
@multi-ankin - another very cool and epic person!!!! you're very fun to talk to and you're also pretty funny in the vc fjfjfj, your ocs are all so amazing too! (djdjjd although my staff oc bias makes me go for kas) we should totally talk and make our ocs interact more in the future tho!!!!!! 💖💖
@just-patchy - pATCHYYY!!!! :D hi!!!! you're also a very cool person!! our interactions have been so much fun and i hope we can have more in the future ;;; the ideas you have for your ocs and how you put them into writing is so good!!! like really good!!! And your art has been greatly improving too!!! Never ever think that i dont see you as a friend because i do!! 😤😤💖💖 i care about you bro!! Never forget that!!
@bakujho - :D hi jho!! you're a lot of fun! And I THINK YOU ARE SO DAMN COOL AND BADASS it's unbelievable,,i look up to you jho i wish i could be almost as cool as you when i grow up ;;; the things you've done for this fandom are also very admirable! like the whole gravedigging (jellyfish) situation! But we're not gonna talk about it now- hhhhh you're just so epic jho ;;; seriously 💗💗
@Kurui - hhhhh you're probably not gonna see this ;;; and i cant find your tumblr (if any of the other chaddams could possibly show this to her thatd be so great ;;;) but nonetheless i still think you're just so fun and cursed ;;; and you give so many amazing ideas!!! Your ocs are all also so cool too! Your art is just so detailed you clearly put a lot of thought into them i just admire that sm ;; (also your edits are extremely cursed and epic i love them dearly-)
@twst-the-royals - JULIE :))) HELLO,,,you were actually the first ever person i spoke/interacted with in the fandom! And you were just so nice and friendly and patient with me ;;; im glad that i got to talk to you,,and we dont really talk that much now but pls pls PLEASE know that i care about you so much and that i support you in everything you do ;;; 💖💖💗💖 ill do my best to make you proud!!
@girl-in-the-tower - hey Az!!! ;;;; you're so epic and cool,,honestly i admire you so much, the lore/writing you have for your ocs/fanschools are just so well thought out and so well written ;;; i hope to become a better writer like you in the future, but for now ill just take notes and learn from you ;; you're super encouraging and supportive too!!! I know we dont talk much but i could never thank you enough for all those little yet meaningful moments ;;; 💖💖
@rikanoctrix and @mirrored-pomefiore - hi!!! i know we arent that close but just know that you two are huge inspirations for me when it comes to art, the both of you draw your styles so incredibly well and i admire that so so so much ;;; 💖
@ocean-water-tea - FATHER TEAAAAA QAQ okay so first of all,,,,how can you draw so well using ibispaint, i ask for tips, specifically on how to draw hair and tits 🤲 but seriously though you are so fun to talk to!!! So cursed!!! So ☊⊑⏃⍜⏁⟟☊!!! You encourage me to my true cryptid self (despite aya's protests 👀) and i thank you kindly,,,you are also very funny 😌 a funny little clown simp, and you're super friendly and cheerful too! I almost never feel nervous when reaching out to you ;;; I hope we can have more wacky adventures in the future 💖💖
@zonamemoryverse - HEYYY ZONAAA!!! you're a fairly new person and you've already come so far ;;; you're a very chaotic person to talk to and i enjoy all of our conversations!!! Also our interactions with our ocs were super fun too, and i love hearing any shred of content i can get from ur epic ocs,,,dont stop being epic!!! 💖💖
@namelessfish - Hi fish!!! :DD you've been a very supportive friend to me over these past few months,,and im happy i have someone i can relate my not-so-great experiences with ;;; please know that i care about you dearly and that ily ;; 💖💖💖💖
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@wondersbeyondcompare - JFFJJF BRO DONT THINK I DONT SEE YOU WHENEVER YOU REBLOG MY CRINGY ASS POSTS 👁👁 I SEE THEM AND I CHERISH THEM ALL I REREAD THEM ON SAD DAYS. All the little tags and comments you put on them always make me smile so hard ;;; im just very happy to know that you like whatever the hell im doing and it pushes me to do more!! You're incredibly sweet, dont worry!!! Ill be sure to make you proud!!!! 😭💖💖💖
@circuscarnage - Anna!!!! We dont talk that often but whenever we do it's always so much fun ;;; you're so sweet and i appreciate you so much ;; all the stuff you drew for my ocs are all so incredibly cute and i really have to give back- jUST YOU WAIT ANNA. IM GONNA MAKE FANART OF YOUR LOVELY OCS AND YOU CANT STOP ME- 💖💖💖💖
@twistedapple - hi crow!! :DD again we dont really talk that much but i support you greatly in everything you do!!! You're another epic and cool writer ;;; your writings for your ocs are just sooooo well written and are just so good!! You're also super good at art too!! And i hope to see more from you in the future!!! ;;; 💖💖💖💖
@not-twst-enough - Ellie!!!! ;;; bro you've been supporting me from the very start, from lillet's old ass bio to now, and i very much appreciate it!!!! You're also super friendly in the twst server too ;;; and all the content you have for your ocs is just so exciting! Good luck with the fandorm and all future stuff ;;; ily!!!! 💖💖💖
@fumikomiyasaki - FUMI. DONT THINK I DIDNT FORGET YOU DKDKDK,,,Another cool and amazing person!!! All our brainrots and conversations have been really fun ;;;; thank u for that,, You are very fun person to interact ocs with tho!!! Especially with ships!! MadScientist² will forever hold a place in my heart.,,,💖💖💖
@oiseaunoir11 - hey Al!! :) you were one of the many people i admired and looked up to when i first joined the fandom, your art is something im deeply inspired by and your shitposts at like...4 am in the morning always give me the big funny,,one thing i really admire about ur art tho is how you'd draw backgrounds :0 you've gotten so good at them!! And your poses look super natural and effortless, i hope to be almost of a better artist like you 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♂️ also i cant wait to see ur animatics 👀 they look dope- hope we can talk or maybe even interact ocs more! 💖💖
@leonasbitties - luuuu :))) hiiii,,,we dont usually talk on servers that often but that doesnt mean that i dont consider you as a friend! You have a lot of super cool ideas for ocs and your art is just getting better and better and better with each piece!!!! i look forward to seeing more from you ;;; 💖💖💖
@peteza-mozzarella - PETEEE :DDD another very cool and friendly person, you're literally the sweetest person ive ever talked to and i love our little chats!!! Hhhh you're just super nice and your ocs are super cute,,please never stop being you you epic bean ;;;; 💖💖💖💖
@the27th - Hi Andhra!!!!! You've been quite the long time mutual,,and your reblogs always make my day ;;; you're just so sweet and kind and i always feel at ease when talking to you, the hunger games sessions you host are always super fun even though im often asleep to even participate 😂 thank you sm for the love and support ;;; ill be sure to give them all back to you 💖💖 starting now 💗💗💗💗💗
@mamushroomoracorn - MAMUSH :DD we've only really started talking recently but you're just so nice and friendly ;;;; all of our talks have been so wholesome and great and im so happy about that, and your art is really really really good!! Ur art style is just so unique and so cool!!! ;;;; and dw mamush,, ill show the froggies like i promised soon 😔💖💖💖
@rookvonhunt - HEYYYY 👉😎�� hi hello i would die for your ocs. If theyd ask me to perish then i will 200%,,ur so epic and cool and all of your ocs are just god-tier, i cant wait for what else you have to offer!!!! 💖💖
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@lawlessofdusk - lawless ;;;; aaaaa honestly you're just so kind and sweet, i couldnt thank you enough for all the love and support you've given me!!! And i desperately need more content of ur ocs bc they're all so cool and interesting 😤😤😤💖💖💖 i hope to talk to you more soon!!!!
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Fkfjfjfj i think that's all!! Id like to thank you all for sticking around with me with my first year in the fandom ;;; you guys make all the bullshit and drama here worth it 💖💖💖
If i forgot to include you in here then PLEASE DM ME I AM SO SORRY-!!!! I dont want to leave anyone behind!!! So please feel free to confront me about it ;;; happy new year everyone!!!!
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strwberrytae · 3 years
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So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -
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“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.”     - Lang Leav
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Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!
Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~
Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -
When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.
In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.
I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.
But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.
Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.
And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.
I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.
An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.
Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.
Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was “cosmic” - beautifully cosmic. 
Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.
Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man.  Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.
He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.
So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.
Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.
So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.
Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡
If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.
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(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)
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papytonpropaganda · 3 years
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Warning Post: Stalker in the UT Fandom
Hey all. My friend asked me if I would be comfortable doing this and I said yes because I think no one deserves to go through what they have.
Tw stalking //
My friend Pixie has been stalked for the past 6 months or so by someone who, for whatever reason, just absolutely hates Asgore from Undertale. Pixie kins Asgore and also sees him as a father figure because their own father was a terrible person. This stalker has harassed Pixie and even contacted their mother, who is abusive, because they dislike that Pixie has such a great love for a fictional character.
I agreed to write this post in order to warn other Asgore fans and kins about this person so they are aware someone like this is out there and can be prepared in case they decide to go after other people.
Below are screenshots of an email that was sent to Pixie’s mother’s work account, which was found through hacking Pixie’s Discord. This email purported to be from a “Christian mother” who was concerned about their child interacting with Pixie. The person misgenders Pixie, who is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns, and includes a great number of screenshots from Pixie’s Twitter. It is clear from the screenshots that the stalker was searching up anything they could find to out Pixie as being part of the LGBTQ+ community and also reveal Pixie’s personal vents about their mother.
Screenshots and further information will be under the cut. Warning for misgendering, stalking, and mentions of Christianity, self-harm, and accusations of exposing minors to porn.
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Transcription: 
“Hi [redacted]
My name is [redacted] and I’m a proud Christian mum of two. Recently, one of my children has been on a Discord server with your daughter and also has access to your daughter’s social media. As a mother, it’s my job to monitor the online activity of my children and make sure they aren’t exposed to the many dangers lurking on the internet. This includes seeing who they interact with, and I am appalled by the content on your daughter’s social media, namely her Twitter. As you know, it is not always easy to monitor our children’s online activity as this new generation is rather tech savvy. I am a firm believer that we mothers need to stick together, which is why I have emailed you to inform you of these behaviours. Your daughter frequently reveals personal information about herself and her family online (namely on Discord), and thus it was easy for me to find your email. I apologise for sending this to your business email, but I believe this to be urgent and wanted to get in touch with you as soon as possible… The only thing she has not revealed is her exact home address, though she has revealed both your workplace and the town you live in. Given the nature of the content on her Twitter alone, I am certain that you were not aware of her behaviors either, as she frequently posts atrocious and disrespectful things about you. I have attached screen captures of a few of the tweets I have seen recently which were later deleted, and I am sure you will agree that these are truly a mother’s worst nightmare. She has also exposed underaged children to pornographic content depicting a Satanic goat character known as “Asgore,” which is unacceptable especially for a twenty year old. She has also implied that she harms/cuts herself in the name of this Asgore… I would also like to make mention that the vast, vast majority of your daughter’s followers are impressionable and underaged children (between the ages of 10 and 16) yet they are being exposed to this content… It is heartbreaking to think of what our children do online even after caring for them and teaching them our Christian values. I will speaking to my children more about internet safety and the repercussions of posting online… I hope you have found this email helpful.” [email text cuts off here]
This email was full of lies from the get-go. I have shared several Discord servers with Pixie, and they have never revealed personal information. Pixie’s NSFW account was separate from their main and locked so only adults could follow. The majority of the vents concerning self-harm were about the abuse they were dealing with. They have diagnosed PTSD and are a CSA survivor and use Asgore to cope, and they do it in a healthy way. And, as Pixie’s notes on the second screenshot say, how they cope is no one else’s business anyway.
Below are screenshots that Pixie’s stalker attached to the email to their mother.
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Aside from the email sent to their mother, Pixie was also sent extremely pedophilic and triggering asks on Tumblr from throwaway accounts. Even after Pixie blocked the asker, they would simply make a new account and continue to harass them.
Screenshots are below. Serious warnings for pedophilia, incest, rape, f slur, t slur, and NSFW text
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As you can see, whoever this stalker is, they are a completely vile person to send these things to a CSA survivor.
Pixie wrote a thread on their Twitter, which they have asked me not to share, about the stalking and harassment they’ve been through, and just today they received this DM.
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Clearly this person isn’t done yet.
Pixie and I aren’t completely sure who this person is, but we are keeping an eye on things. Hopefully we can figure out who this person is and make it so they can’t hurt anyone like this again. In the meantime, we both wanted to warn people about this person, as Pixie is sure their stalker won’t stop with them and could move on to harassing other Asgore fans at any time. Nobody deserves to be treated like Pixie has been.
Thank you for reading, and please spread this to Asgore fans if you can, so they can take precautions to protect themselves.
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the-ice-sculpture · 3 years
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Reflecting on the Loki show
Hurray – fewer instances of cringey humour in Episode 2 than Episode 1!
Shame about there not being a single scene in the entire episode in Episode 2 where Loki felt in character
If this wasn’t a Loki show, I’d probably be enjoying it at the same level as a casual viewer of any other TV show. The plot’s interesting with a different take on time travel that I’ve seen, and there are no boring moments. But I can’t get past the lack of MCU Loki here. I just... Ugh. It’s so frustrating. No other media could get away with the main character suddenly having a personality transplant, but because it’s Marvel people are... fine with it, for some reason?
I can live with the tone and plot being different to what I’d do with it if I’d had the choice. I’ve said multiple times in the past that just because the show probably won’t give me what I want from it doesn’t mean that the show can’t be good in its own right. But what I didn’t anticipate before any of the trailers started coming out was that the Loki here might not feel like MCU Loki at all. I can forgive a lot of things, but I just can’t wrap my head around the sheer number of people who must have given the green light to all the decisions made about his characterisation. Those kinds of things can’t just be blamed on one person, it’d be a combination of the writers, directors, actors, producers...
I never thought that Loki finally getting to be the main character on screen (how many years have I wanted that to happen? 7? 8?) would be the thing to cause me to have my first ever thoughts about quitting this fandom.
I’m not having fun. I’m used to being more than a bit disappointed. I even stayed in the fandom after Thor: Ragnarok came about without much complaining, despite not being a fan of a fair amount of elements in it. I even stayed after Infinity War and Endgame came out with very little complaining either, despite how many things there were that I didn’t like in them. I even rewatched Game of Thrones after being just as unsatisfied with how it was tied up as everyone else was, and I still love the first four seasons and some scenes from later on (yes, even including Season 8).
But I’m not used to being this level of disappointed. The past month I’ve gone from having 5 different Loki WIPs I wanted to write to suddenly not being sure if I want to finish any of them at all. I mean, at least two of them will be finished because they’re oneshots for an event and I’ve already done most of the work so I might as well, but the contrast with my motivation is huge.
I don’t want to leave this fandom. I still have things I (hypothetically) want to write. I have over 100,000 words of various unpublished Loki fanfics that I’ve been working on. I don’t want them to go to waste. I want to finish what I started. It’s not like the enthusiasm for the idea of the stories has gone, it’s just... I don’t know, the overarching disappointment and not having fun in a fandom space anymore? How strongly Loki is associated with me feeling bitter and miserable now? How the show and the experience outside of it is doing the opposite of inspiring me?
I don’t to be that person either. You know, the one who has an entire blog dedicated to moaning about something. The one who seems determined to interpret everything in the worst possible light, regardless of rationalism. The one who seems like they’d never be satisfied unless something was made 100% their way, and if it wasn’t then of course it’s Problematic and that’s why it’s Just Plain Bad, and it’s nothing to do with personal taste and a certain amount of projection. The one who starts getting positive reinforcement about hating something, so it becomes a habit and before they know it, it’s part of their daily routine, and they’re still regularly doing it years later. The one who goes on about how ‘if you’re a true fan of [x] and really understood [x], this would bother you’, or worse, starts making it personal with the real people involved in the creation of the show.
But the experience of not liking the show is a lonely one. There are other people who don’t agree on his characterisation either, I know. But when the vast majority of people who watch it seem not to find the changes in his entire character jarring? When people are going around saying that it’s not until now that the writers have finally understood Loki? When you get people acting like anyone who voices any criticism whatsoever is ridiculous and shouldn’t be in the fandom and behaves like they might catch the Taint of Negativity if they were to associate with them? When any criticisms are dismissed as ‘people who just want to hate the show’?
Believe me, I don’t want to hate the show. I’d love to be happy with the show. But I'm not. This Loki doesn’t feel like MCU Loki. The only time he did feel like himself to me was during the scene towards the end of Episode 1 where he was watching parts of his life on screen. That’s it. Over one and a half hours into the series so far, 1/3 of the entire show. Out of all that, only one scene.
And now every time I see people being happy about the show it makes me feel resentful. And, no, I’m not going to add anything negative to their posts or say anything to them. If the show is what it is and there’s no changing it then it’s better at least some people get to enjoy it rather than it bringing about universal misery. I don’t want to take away anyone else’s happiness. I just to feel happy too, but I don’t, and I’m painfully aware of it.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, I think I’m just venting. 
I don’t know what the solution is either. Space from fandom for a bit? I mean, I’ve been doing this a bit already recently (not full commitment, just more than usual), but I like being able to use tumblr as an escape. Unfollow people/leave Discord groups? But there are people who I’ve had plenty of positive interactions with, and I don’t want to lose those connections.
It’s really dumb, but I like my fandom corner. I like knowing that if I post a fic, there’ll be a certain small group of people who’ll probably read it, and a smaller chunk of those who’ll comment on it, even all these years later. And there are still so many stories I want to tell with Loki, so many things I haven’t done yet, but... 
Yeah, I don’t know if my motivation will come back or not (I’m leaning towards maybe not). Or how much the fandom will change as a result of the show. I’d expect a wave newcomers, but if a lot of new fics being written are largely based on the show characterisation (and if reader expectation of Loki’s characterisation lies with that too), then I have little to no interest in it.
Oh, and another thing to add to my list of things I don’t want to be: I don’t want to be that person who is all ‘I’ve been here longer and know better and am therefore more of a real fan than any of you new people’. So there’s that.
Ultimately, I think I’m eventually going to have to choose between staying and trying to squash/somehow extinguish any bitter feelings, or leaving. I don’t like either of those options very much. It might be premature of me to post this before the show has ended because my feelings might change, but, unsurprisingly, writing is a good way of processing feelings and I’ve been having a lot of them that need processing.
In case anyone’s actually read this obscene amount of rambling, I’m okay, I’m not, like, weeping over this as I write or anything. But it’s still not a great feeling to have a place that was once my favourite place for escapism and creativity to make me feel like I might not be welcome or like I might not want to be there. And it’s not like I can easily just switch over to another fandom to write for, because there are no other characters who have inspired me to write anywhere near much as Loki has. So, yes, I’m feeling a little sorry for myself. All over a fictional TV show. I repeat: it’s dumb.
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xxrat--punkxx · 3 years
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JUMPING ON THIS BAND WAGGON
Ok here’s my 2020, tw//mentions of suicide and abuse
(Strong start lmao) 2020 sucked ass lemmi tell ya. This year was a fucking train wreck from the start, ur hay I got character development so who cares. Well let’s start with a review, bad things first.
Yall remember when everyone was scared shields of COVID?. Lol. But that’s stating the obvious. When we went into lockdown I was first like fuck yeah summer lol, but then the threat of ‘staying home for the rest of the year’ set in, bing in my first year of sixth form I really understand the stakes of exams next year. So having to stay home for the rest of the year freaked me the fuck out. I literally couldent cope, having to do all classes online was fucking hell, they were never zoom classes either, just ‘lmao do the work and hand it in’ which was near impossible for me. I was also in the constant ‘oh no I’m so stressed but I will do NOTHING about this lmao~’. As the days turned to weeks and inevitably MONTHS, my mental health said buckle up bitches. Days were spent sitting in my room on my phone doing NOTHING, meanwhile this perpetual notion of stress played in my head yet there I sat not having the will or motion to move.
Then my parents got involved. Now THATS when shit went from pretty crummy to awful, now I was living with them constantly I was able to see who they really were with no real filter. And oh god do I have issues, I didn’t even fucking know. Every day was an argument, my mom was the worst, the MANIPULATION, the constant ‘you're tearing this family apart’ or ‘so I’m the problem?’ Or the fucking indecent playing the victim. And I all only just realised, that they have been doing this ALL MY LIFE. Dad got involved but he was just physically violent, only twice tho. The worst part was my work, admittedly yes, I didn’t do everything I was given, but I tried, I really did with what little motivation I had. But with just one ‘oh your daughter hasn’t handed in this work’ I was a ‘lazy, good for nothing failure’ to quote ‘who will never go anywhere in life’ so I’d spend the rest of the day crying while they play the victim bury saupying I was abusing their love and just using them for money. But the next day be like ‘oh I’m so proud of you you're doing so well’ having that statement being completely unrelated to the previous events. This was constant. So that’s that story. I won’t talk much about Black Lives Matter because we all know about how that went. But it really affected me, I found myself crying over the victims multiple times. And the lack of support for the movement my peers or family showed made it fucking worse. Crying was a common occurrence for me now, mental health really taking a nosedive, being too scared to call myself ‘depressed’ or ‘mentally ill’ to any extent because I know I’m faking it and just want validation. That was also constant. Fun times huh.
BUT IT GETS WORSE 🥲, then I had to go back to school, awful to fucking abhorrent now. Year two of sixth form fun right? Sure, if u take away the ‘no free time period’ or the wanting to kill mystery for literally a whole 3 weeks. That was my lowest peak. Ever. I’ve never wanted to kill myself before then, don’t like that feeling. Shocker huh. That mixed with the constant anxiety of nothing is right anymore and also needing to succeed at school all made one healthy dose of ‘.exe has stopped working’ juice. Yet I played the fool, acting happy as if nothing had happened, or was happening at least, and venting by imagining scenes in my head with fictional characters lmao. Telling myself ’u can’t kill yourself because u don’t deserve too and ur just asking for attraction’. Then midterms happened blah blah blah, stress but I’m numb to it now that whole story.
But that’s not to say there wasn’t a silver lining.
Onto the good things finally, yes the year was probably one of the worst years I’ve been through in my life it did not go without its positives. For example early this year I got into borderlands properly, I finally explored the fandom and had a look at what it was like. Albeit a slow process considering I was still predominantly on Instagram at the time, and finding a community of a fandom on there is impossible. I started browsing Pinterest or the Internet for images that would link to my favourite characters, Who were to no ones surprise is the calypso twins. Pinterest led me to artworks and artworks led me to the infamous Lazulizard. Who I cherish all my being. Three weeks later after looking at her entire tumblr blog and stalking her of pretty much all her content (sorry for that by the way) I found border-spam. By this point I didn’t have tumblr and I had no intention of getting it seeing as an ongoing war I’ve had with myself since 2012, declaring I will be the bigger man and never get tumblr, which in hindsight was an awful mindset. Seeing as tumblr is probably one of my favourite places on Earth right now. But after also stalking border spams account, again sorry, and starving her of any content she’d ever posted. I was happy that this fandom although as niche as it is was actually getting content. At the time spam and lazu were absolute gods to me. Being the sole producer of a fandom I probably wasn’t even in properly, having both impeccable writing and impeccable art like good God. I would often think ‘wow wouldn’t it be incredible if I actually got to talk to them one day’, now look at me I’m doing commissions for both of them good God. And to be short joining tumblr felt like a fever dream and it’s probably the greatest thing I could’ve done this year, my parents are wrong, talking to strangers is amazing.
Something notable of mention this year as I actually got to figure out who I am as a person, I was able to find my own style and to find my interests, specifically in what I liked in terms of clothing. I thought I was LOL 2012 goth hipster but no apparently I’m manic Pixie dream girl. Going from pink is the ugliest colour in the world to having it be the only colour I will ever wear. I made some pretty big choices this year like cutting pretty much all of my hair off and dying it for the first time. Thanks strict parents for only letting me do that one now. But like I said I went to a character Ark and you know what I like it. I also played BioShock fallout and horizon zero dawn for the first time this year starting to really feel like a proper epic gamer, good lord kill me, and falling in love with all of them almost immediately. I also figured out on a plant mum and I’m into vulture culture although my parents have to disagree with that one. Asking to buy an Horse and fox skull somehow scared them a little bit can’t seem to figure out why lmao.
So a conclusion, Fuck you 2020 you made me miss two comic cons and I will never forgive you for that shit I am SO mad. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt you did make me meet some absolutely incredible people who I consider my friends, despite going against every single Internet safety law I was ever taught as a child. But you know what who gives a flying shit I love you guys. So that’s what I wanted to say. I want to say thank you to everyone on here and everyone is following me or even interacted me with on that matter. You mean the world to me and I really fucking mean it. Are you going to be nothing but amazing ever since I walked onto this fucking hell hole. And what I go through all of this bullshit again if it means I ended up here? You know what I think I just might. So again I thank you and I hope your year didn’t go as badly as mine, and fuck it bring on whatever the fucks next!
Honourable mention of this year was The time Elisa actually complimented me and I cried a little bit and had a panic attack but you know that’s for another day
🥺💕
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