#no genuinely it is truly fine liek it’s been 2 years and everybody lost something and i kinda did get over if. but there is still a small

[pepprs]

dammmmnnnn i still kinda get choked up when i talk abt having to get sent home from br*ghton 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

#just did a panel for my scholars program (probably the last event i will ever do in my scholars program as a student) and like.. i think im #the only person actively in the program who has studied abroad. except for my former roomie who’s in france rn but like . im the ONLY #returned scholar here rn. and it felt so weird bc a prospective student asked if we could talk abt study abroad and obviously im the only #person who could answer the question and i feel so guilty talking abt it in front of the younger cohorts bc we’re all required to do it and #they never even got to.. but like i went and i thought i had 19 weeks and i only had 7 and when it aall came crashing down this time 2 yrs #ago it was ermmmmm deeply traumatic ngl and my voice still shakes when i talk about it. so it’s like the combo of this is a painful thing to #speak publicly about PLUS speaking publicly about it around certain individuals makes me feel guilty like im rubbing it in their face. but n #no someone literally asked me to do it and… i did. but like wow. ive been trying very hard not to look at stuff or think abt it bc i know #it’ll just make me upset but the anniversaries are coming up and im gonna break down abt it eventually but i just keep putting it off ♥️ #except i am closer to it now than i was an hr ago bc i just had to talk abt it in front of people in a complicated context! lawl. but yeah n #no genuinely it is truly fine liek it’s been 2 years and everybody lost something and i kinda did get over if. but there is still a small #piece of me(i think the same piece that is scared to take off my mask) that is like… i mean before covid i was fucking terrified of transien #transience and leaving home to go abroad was excruciating painful. but that was a change i saw coming and for the last 2 years the changes h #have been unpredictable and sudden and earth shattering. and like i think my brain has this giant ummmm… like a gum tree seed in it. like a #phantom one or maybe just an actual one and the spikes are pressing against my brain and making me freak out abt change even more than i #used to and ache when i see the spring 2022 br*ghton cohort doing all the things we didn’t get to do. idk. it all sucks so bad and hopefully #with time i’ll feel ok abt it especially if and when i get to live a stable life AND/OR i get to go back someday and get some closure. but f #for now it’s like… the wound is still raw and i just pretend it isn’t there all the time but it’s there and i have to address it eventually #purrs #brighton