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nights-flying-fox · 8 months

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Deep (Purple) Thoughts (and Realizations)

◇ Click here to read on AO3 | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 ◇

Chapter 5: Talk It Out Donnie shares some information.

Word Count: 1743 | CW: manipulation (kind of??), self blaming (not donnie tho), mentions of genocide, survivor's guilt

(if you think i should add something plz tell me)

Controlling the Technodrome was an exciting idea at first. Donatello Hamato, the first person to fly a spaceship! His dreams from childhood were about to become real. Then he had discovered how disgusting it was. Icky, slimy, alive. The texture on its own made Donnie nauseous. But he could do it, for he was a genius, and this must not stop him. Not when he had said he could. Not when his family’s lives were on the stake. So, he had forced himself. With Mikey’s support the situation being a bit bearable. With every step it got worse. He had to use himself, not just his hands.

So, he let himself fall into the spaceship.

At first it felt as if he was being captured. Technodrome’s parts holding him, becoming a part of him. Then he had gasped. Connected. He had control. He knew everything! He could use it, protect his family and be powerful! He had knowledge!

With ease he controlled the Technodrome. He let it move according to the plan, protected Mikey. He knew why he was there and what he could do. But he wanted more. He could do more. He wasn’t just Donnie, he was also a spaceship. He was a genius with power and knowledge.

Donnie looked at the ground. “Except knowledge isn’t always good, it turns out.” He spoke. “Not when you can see what the Krang did.”

The silence felt too long, too heavy. He knew his family were giving him time, he appreciated it. And he wanted to tell them what happened. It was just hard. He felt his hand being squeezed. Raph smiled at him, supportive. Donnie took a deep breath.

“During my time connected with Technodrome I felt invincible. I didn’t care about what I learned. I... I even could understand why Krang wanted power.” He didn’t want to admit it. But he didn’t want to lie. It was what had happened, what scared him. “Afterwards it changed. Everything I knew, it was terrible. The planets they had taken over, the wars... I am glad we stopped them.” He didn’t want to get into the details. Not wanting to talk about how Technodrome was a corrupted thing, alive.

“Donnie...” He heard April whisper.

Before she could continue, he talked again. “The spaceship didn’t whisper or talk like in the horror movies. But it seemed to try control me too.”

“Control you?” Raph asked.

“It wanted me to join them.” Donnie replied. “At least that’s my guess.”

Another silence. He looked at them. Raph looking at him with understanding eyes, Mikey seemed to be worried, and Leo looked at him with wide eyes. Horror, guilt.

“Don’t blame yourself dumdum.” Donnie warned. He knew his twin well enough to stop him spiraling into self-hate. And not because they’d comfort each other when they had these moments of heavy guilt or self-hate at times.

“I shouldn’t have asked you to do something like that without knowing what exactly was it.” Leo said. “I am sorry Donnie.”

“Don’t.” He cut him off. “I wanted to do that anyway. It was an efficient information against the Krang as well.”

“You learned about their genocides.” Leo pointed out.

“Exactly. And that’s why what you did was insane, reminder.” Donnie glared at him.

Leo huffed. “Can’t even apologize and have a heartfelt moment without being accused with your past decisions.”

Donnie grabbed the pillow he was sitting on and threw it on his face. Leo yelped, “Hey!”

“You deserved it, idiot.”

“Rude.”

Suddenly Donnie was pulled into a side hug. He didn’t need to look to know it was Rapha. The big guy had that emotional look on his face. “Raph gets it, and he is very proud of you sharing this.”

“Thanks Raph.” Donnie said, relaxing in the hug a bit. He was still feeling the nervousness from remembering everything, but he didn’t mind Raph’s hug. It was comforting. Then he decided to ask something he was wondering for a long time, hopping it wouldn’t hurt Raph now. “When you were... you know... was it like that too?”

Raph took a deep breath. “Kind of?” He replied. Then voice a little quieter, and yet bravely he explained. “I didn’t see what you did see, at least not during my time like that, but my mind was empty and all I felt was needing power and accomplishing my mission.”

That was enough for what he wanted to know. Donnie decided to not ask anything else. “I’m sorry big guy.”

“It is fine.” He said. “Genuinely, I appreciate everything guys. You helped me a lot in the past weeks.”

It was true. Raph, unlike Donnie, had accepted help. Had admitted remembering parts of his time under Krang’s control, and that he had nightmares often. Raph didn’t want to tell them everything about that time, but he had shared enough for them to understand. Enough to get help. Maybe Donnie should’ve done the same.

“Is there anything we can do to help you Donnie?” Raph asked.

He still could, actually. “I...” He began, whispering. “...I don’t have nightmares but... there are times I fear I will feel like that again.” He admitted. “I can’t sleep.”

“So, this is why you spent hours awake during our turtle pile.” Raph realized.

Donnie nodded. Okay, end of the emotional stuff, right? He didn’t want to go into more details anyway. “That’s all from me. So, uh, we can move on?”

“You are terrible at this.” April shook her head with a smile. “But we can work on it. Right, Mikey?”

Mikey was uncharacteristically quiet. When all eyes were on him, he blinked confusedly, “Sorry, I was thinking something.”

“Something?” April raised a brow.

“Mhmm.” He was still fidgeting.

Nobody was going to let it slip, Donnie knew that. He was proven right when Raph smiled softly at Mikey, “Want to join to hug?”

Mikey looked at him with big eyes before nodding. As Mikey wrapped his arms around them, Donnie noticed his arms trembling slightly. “Is it your arms?” He questioned.

“No.” He replied.

“What’s wrong, big guy?” Raph asked softly.

Quiet. Then, “I should’ve done more.”

“What?”

Mikey snuggled more towards Raph, “I should’ve done more to help. Then none of you would’ve ended up this hurt.”

Donnie looked at Raph, confused. Raph looked back him with surprise. Before any of them could say anything though, Leo talked. “Mikey, what the shell are you talkin’ about? You literally broke some science law stuff to save my tail that day.”

Mikey turned slightly to look at Leo, “But I didn’t do anything like you did.” He said. “Raph got everyone safe, Donnie controlled a spaceship, April, Dad and Junior got Krang Sister, and you stopped Krang Prime!”

Everyone looked at him confused. “Mikey, you realize that without you I could have ended up be dead, right? Heck, we all would be, considering it is your future version who sent Junior back in time.” Leo said. “You even threw a freaking building at Krang.”

“...It still doesn’t feel enough.” Mikey whispered. “I am sorry, it doesn’t make any sense.”

“Actually, it does.” April interrupted. She turned to Shelldon who was watching them all silently the whole time. “I am not sure, but wasn’t there something about feeling bad for not going through something others did?”

Shelldon was quick to answer, Donnie feeling proud at how fast Shelldon could gain information on situations like this. “The closest match seems to be survivor’s guilt.” He answered. “Survivor guilt or survivor's guilt is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic or tragic event when others did not.” He explained, reading an article he found. “Survivor’s guilt is a response to an event in which someone else experienced loss, but you did not. While the name implies this to be a response to the loss of life, it could also be the loss of property, health, identity or a number of other things that are important to people, is another definition from a different a source.” He added.

“Close enough, thanks Shelldon.” April turned back to Mikey. “Maybe it’s something like this?”

“Oh. How didn’t I think of this?” Mikey questioned with surprise.

“It’s okay, even Doctor Feelings can forget details.” Raph tried to reassure him.

“That’s why he should take a break.” Leo said. Then he proceeded to join the hug. “And you too. You did amazing back there, Mike. Don’t let your thoughts deceive you.”

“As an exception, I have to agree with him.” Donnie nodded. “You were very brave back there, Angelo.”

“Thanks guys.” Mikey smiled with teary eyes. “You are the best.”

April joined the hug as well, “So are you.”

Donnie was sure things were already better. Now only if his dumdum twin opened up too—

“Hey, Raph, if you don’t mind me asking,” Leo suddenly broke the comforting silence. “When you answered Donnie’s question… Is there something you haven’t told us?”

Donnie turned to Raph. If Leo suspected of something, it was worth to follow his lead. He was a good observer. Raph avoided to look at them, so it should be true that Leo was right.

“It isn’t that important.” He shrugged it off.

“Are you sure? You seem to be stressed about it.” April said, “You know you can tell it to us if it bothers you.”

Raph sighed, “I don’t wanna burden you guys with that. Really, I can handle it.”

“Okay… but don’t burden yourself.” Mikey reminded. “If it we can, we will help. Just tell us.”

“Thanks for the support, Mikey.” Raph smiled genuinely.

Mikey hugged him tighter as a response.

Donnie watched as Raph looked at the ceiling. He was considering. Donnie knew Raph would see nightmares that wouldn’t let him sleep. Raph was no night owl, it troubled him a lot. Even if he had tried to hide it, it would have been obvious. But Donnie had never thought there being another possible reason keeping him awake.

He held his hand and squeezed. A silent support, a reminder that they were here. Something the siblings would do when one of them was having a bad day and not being able to talk. Or when the world would become too loud for words. Or just when they wanted to remind each other they were by each other’s side without telling it.

After a moment, Raph squeezed back.

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