#my dash has been quiet these past few days and I’ve been itching to write something

[webslingerx]

So this is what love is? Of course he loved his friends, Aunt May and Uncle Ben… but this was a different kind of love. This was something much deeper? He lifts his hand and rubs his eyes and whole face for a moment. How could he describe this feeling, his type of love? Quickly, he jumps up and latched onto the ceiling upside down. Doing this, helped him think and relax a moment. He was getting anxious waiting for a certain someone to text him.

As he calmed down, he crawled across the ceiling to hover over the phone waiting for the “bleep” on his phone to happen. This was love right? Wanting so badly for a text? Wanting to see them so soon? Wanting to hug them, kiss them as soon as he saw them? Of course that was love. Love was a finicky thing, love was harsh, love was sweet and well sometimes love was… shit. But luckily for him, love has been kind to him, love has been generous, love has been genuine, love has his protective and love has showed him that it’s okay to be and feel loved. It’s okay to feel loved and not feel selfish about it.

He sighs as he continues to wait for the phone to go off. When as he going to text him? When? He rappels down a little to free his hands. He immediately begins fidgeting with his fingers, taping them against one another. Surely soon he’d text. Why did love make him feel this way? It made him feel soft, yet anxious. It made him feel lighter, yet shy sometimes. It made him feel like he was the only one in the word, yet it made him feel vulnerable. Why? Why does love do that?

Finally. Like a prayer has been answered the phone beeps and Peter, like a viper strikes his phone with a web-shot and pulls it up to him. Reading the message upside he smiled widely at it, reading it over a few times. God he loved him so much. He didn’t know what he’d do without Sid. His heart fluttered as he immediately texted back. He thought for a moment that he’d let the text linger in the air, make Sid wait for him but he wasn’t able to do that. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t wait to see Sid again. As he reply practically instantly he awaits Sid reply. He drops down back to the carpet, setting his phone on the table.

Quickly he shimmers out of his casual clothes to show off this suit that he hide underneath. Spider-Man had an advantage to traveling New York’s business life; he’d be able to get there to their restaurant in no time. Peter however? It would take a while as New York’s roads were always packed. But swing travel was always spacious and personally? This was his favorite way to travel around. Perhaps one day, he’ll take Sid around with him… show him the sights from up here.

Now fully suited up, he slips on the spider mask, and once more web-shoots his phone pulling it towards him. Huh..Sid reply back but his phone didn’t go off this time. Weird but it does happen sometimes. He texts back with a mask-hidden smile, saying he’ll be there shortly and couldn’t wait to see him. He shoves the cracked phone in his spandex pocket.

Like always, he dives out the window swinging freely through New York with a swelling heart. Love may not have always been kind to him in his life thus far, but as of now? It’s been spectacular to him. He couldn’t imagine his life now without this feeling of being in love and feeling loved. He forgot how amazing, magical it felt. He truly loved it and he was so glad he opened his heart to give it another chance. Love was a lot of things; love wasn’t just one thing normally but for Peter?

It was.

Love to him was Sid. Just him.

Sid made feel all sorts of things, but he mostly made him feel loved, appreciated and just wanted. So fucking wanted. Sid made Peter feel wanted and needed.

And this is the kind of love Peter can understand and get behind. He himself, loves Sid to his whole heart’s fullest and he never going to stop loving him. He would forever stay as Sid’s partner.

Forever and always.

@blxxditout

Sid belongs to my wonderful friend @/blxxditout!! I hope you like this small drabble I made!!

#musings: spider aesthetic #blxxditout #relationship #my dash has been quiet these past few days and I’ve been itching to write something #so this baby was born!! 🥹

[bbq-hawks-wings]

Could you please write some headcanons of how Shinsou and Izuku would react to this situation: Their crush who normally has perfect attendance, suddenly doesn't show up to class for a few days. When they go check on their crush in their room they find out why: Their crush has a reptile like quirk, and they're shedding so they didn't want to gross everyone out.

Wasn’t there an episode of Monster Musume like this? Yes, my husband and I are total weebs that watch indulgent anime garbage together, and we love it.

Shinsou:

When you had first confessed your feelings to Shinsou he was surprised at how nervous you were - you know, more nervous than the normal amount.

You had a mutation-type quirk that made you appear full Lizardfolk. The teeth, the eyes, the claws, the works.

You were worried that your raptor-like appearance would be a major turn-off for him since so many other people shied away from your scaly visage.

But in reality, he could really kind of relate. Sure, he had the advantage of a more “silent” quirk, but knowledge of a quirk like his doesn’t stay quiet unless he was surrounded by really good people, and that reassurance he’d thrown out the window since the sports festival.

The fact that he was so warm to you, even while admitting that he would need time to get past the lizard face but wanted to know the you on the inside, made your heart skip a beat.

For once, your quirk was a source of playful banter instead of gossip. He would make fun of your appetite and the way you flicked your tongue out, and you would tease him in return by imitating some of his more zombie-like habits.

But he was concerned when you didn’t show up at school or weren’t answering his texts nearly as often - it was incredibly out of character!

When he knocked on the door to your room he heard some clattering and some hushed muttering like you were dashing to hide.

“(Y/N), are you okay? I’ve been worried about you!”

“I-I’m fine!” He heard your hasty reply.

“Can I come in?”

“I- uh...” he waited a few moments before hearing. “Don’t freak out?”

“Promise.” He said succinctly, and the door slowly opened just a crack and he had to finish letting himself in.

You were hiding completely under the covers on your bed and you spoke quickly. “Close the door, please?”

He did and made his way to where you were before placing a hand where the blanket was pulled tight. “Come on, let me see.”

“...It’s really gross.” You said before shrugging off the blanket and revealing the peeling, flaking skin sticking out on your body.

He took a moment or two to process before saying. “You’re shedding.”

You threw your blanket over your head again. “Yeah, I told you.”

“Actually, it’s kind of cool.” That got your attention. “But why hide it? Isn’t this normal for you?”

You let out a frustrated puff of air. “Yeah, but it’s the first time I’ve shed at the school, and I get caps over my eyes and can’t see, and the stress and lack of humidity in the building is making it come off in gross, flaky pieces... I just asked the staff to let me wait it out and do my lessons here...”

He thought about it for a moment, understanding the stress of the situation and that this might be a more personal topic that you might not want the whole school knowing about.

“Ok.” He said. “How about you tell me and maybe a few other friends when you’re getting ready to shed again, and we’ll make sure you get plenty of rest and hydration so it’s not so much an ordeal for you and is over quickly next time.”

You looked up under scaly brows. “Really? You’d do that for me.”

“Of course I would.”

Midoriya:

You were by and large a normal-looking person, but you had reptile-like scale armor.

You had the ability to shift the colors, harden and soften them, and a few other abilities.

But every once in a while came the time to shed it all off, and for once you couldn’t do it at home on top of having extra work that made taking care of your hygiene a chore you didn’t have much time for.

That regrettably resulted in a shaky shedding.

When you had started itching and scratching, noting how the more inconspicuous pieces were not falling off all at once like they should be you went to the staff and explained yourself.

They were understanding and didn’t count your absences towards your attendance record, but no one else knew that, and the texts blowing up your phone only stressed you out more as you begged your old skin to just slough off already!

You were picking at some of the skin on your face that wasn’t quite ready to go when you heard a knock at your door and accidentally ripped it off which caused you to squeal in pain a bit.

“(Y/N), are you okay?!” You heard the panicked voice of your boyfriend on the other side of the door.

“Yeah, I’m fine...” You said with a bit of a whine, nursing your cheek.

“What’s going on? We’re all worried about you. Can I come in?”

You sighed knowing that had it been anyone but Midoriya you could ignore them and they would go away eventually, but your boyfriend on the other hand...

“Yeah, come in.”

He hesitantly cracked the door and poked his head inside, noting your pout and the flakes hanging off your face and arms. A wave of realization hit him as he confidently entered the room. “Ah! You’re shedding! That explains it!”

You loved him, but sometimes he was too enthusiastic for his own good. “Ssh!”

“Sorry.” He clapped a hand over his mouth. “Is this why you’ve been skipping class?”

You sighed. “Yeah. When it gets bad like this it takes longer, but I haven’t been able to take a bath to soak it off because I don’t want to freak out the other girls. It is kind of gross.”

Izuku pumped his fists excitedly. “Actually, I bet they’d be really understanding if you explained it. I’m sure if you did they might even be able to help you. Girls do that, right? It’s called... ex... exfollic-”

“Exfoliation?”

“Yeah, that’s it!”

You huffed at his confidence in the situation, but... maybe he was right. “Okay, I’ll let them know about it, but don’t go telling anyone, okay?”

And it turned out he was right. After texting Mina what was going on you’d all made a group chat making plans to take a communal bath that very night with comments like “Is sugar scrub okay, or is that bad for your scales?” “If you’re uncomfortable being naked while shedding you can bring a large shirt - it must be better than a bikini!” and “Next time tell us ahead of time so we can all go on a spa day together!!!”

#izuku midoriya x reader #midoriya x reader #midoriya izuku #deku x reader #deku bnha #deku mha #bnha shinsou #hitoshi shinso #hitoshi shinsou #hitoshi shinsou x reader #bnha imagines #mha imagines

[carrieasagiri]

Longing - Kristanna Smut Weekend 2018 (Day 1)

A/N: My first time writing kristanna smut :D! The idea for this fic is based on a fic I’m writing in Spanish. Kristoff and Anna had their first baby and are facing the trials of parenthood. My fic in Spanish is mostly from Elsa’s POV, so I decided to have some fun and write this one from Kristoff and Anna’s POV. So besides smut, there are some fluffy moments and some frohana. English is not my native language, so I’m sorry for any grammatical mistake or something weird.

Words: 3094

Characters: Kristoff, Anna (kristanna), Elsa

Setting: canonverse

Rate: MA, of course

It had been three months since princess Emma was born to the delight of all Arendelle, her parents, and her aunt. Kristoff and Anna couldn’t be happier with their baby daughter and the thrilling new life they were experiencing as parents. However, those three months weren’t only blessings. They learned to face the other side of parenthood which meant sleepless nights with a crying baby, fed her, changed her, and trying to be awake during the day to take care of her.

Anna had decided she didn’t want a wet nurse for her daughter. She wanted to be in charge of raising her child by herself. Elsa had been agreed with her sister’s decision and had warned Kristoff that Anna needed all the support and possible help to take care of Emma. Kristoff didn’t need any warnings, at least that was he believed. But then, when her daughter confused day with night during her first week in the world, he truly understood Elsa’s warnings.

The couple was sleep deprived, and they couldn’t find the time to catch up. Anna fell asleep at any time in any place with her daughter in her arms. Kristoff had to balance his duties with his family life. Elsa was on the verge of madness, dealing with her royal responsibilities, a very tired and grumpy sister, a confused and overwhelmed brother in law, and a demanding newborn niece.

So, the queen decided it was the time she took matters into her own hands. She offered the couple, actually she ordered them, that for a whole week, baby Emma slept with her, so they could rest and made all the things they were deprived for those three months.

Anna wasn’t so sure of her sister’s plan. Since her daughter’s birth, she had become a little bit possessive with the baby, and the idea of being apart from her the whole night for a whole week wasn’t so much appealing for her. On the other hand, Kristoff was more than willing to accept the experiment. They needed time for themselves and go against Elsa’s orders was futile.

Before she proposed her sister her plan, Elsa already had given the order to the staff to move the crib to her bedchambers. Anna protested the whole day, but Kristoff managed to convince her in his charming way. A long and hungry kiss with the promise of much more to come, enticing words whispered by her ear that made her blushed, and a massage on her shoulders were enough to persuade the princess.

The first night was chaotic. Kristoff was happy of having her wife for himself. He loved his daughter with all his heart, but he missed the intimacy with Anna. They had tried to intimate during those past months, but they always got interrupted, and frustration was becoming a habit. So, that night, they were able to be together on their bed and tried to at least sleep cuddling.

Anyway, just cuddling wasn’t the only thing they had in mind for that night. Kristoff had started kissing Anna, slowly at first, fiercely when he felt his wife was craving for the same thing as him. He was on top of her, stroking her red mane with one hand, caressing one of her breasts over the fabric of her nightgown with the other, and kissing her neck. Little groans of pleasure let out from Anna’s mouth; her fingers tangled in his hair. Kristoff continued with his ministrations, unbuttoning her nightgown and feeling how her nipples got erected with his touch. Anna took his hands off from her breasts and placed them on her thighs. He started caressing her there and pulled her nightgown over to kiss her belly.  Anna stopped abruptly her noises and movements, her eyes were wide opened.

“Did you hear something?”

“What?” Kristoff was busy kissing her navel while one of his fingers was wandering nearly to her cleft, totally oblivious to the fact his wife wasn’t immersed in the same mood as him anymore.

“Emma, I heard her cry…” Anna sat up on the bed and as realizing what his husband was doing to her, she let out another not so quiet groan.

“You’re hearing things,” he said reaching her core with his mouth.

“I’m going to check her.”

“Really? Now?” Kristoff stopped what he was doing and sat up next to her, “Listen, Emma is in good hands. Elsa can take care of our little girl, so, don’t worry.” He kissed her on the forehead trying to reassure her.

“What if she’s hungry? Elsa can’t feed her. I’m going to check her. I’ll be right back.” She gave him a swift kiss on his lips, buttoned up her nightgown, put her robe on, and dashed off the room.

Kristoff let out a long sigh and started feeling an itching between his legs that announced his notorious arousal. He could bear it for a few more minutes, but if Anna didn’t come back soon, he literally had to take it in hands. Anna was delaying more than he thought. He wanted to go see what had happened, but before doing so, he pleasured himself in order to conceal his arousal. He was about to doze off when he got up, cleaned up himself, and put a shirt on.

He hesitated in front of Elsa’s door for a moment, and then he decided to knock. He could hear voices coming from the other side which meant the sisters were still awake. Elsa opened the door slowly. Her platinum mane was down and her eyes were sleepy. Before he could say a word, the queen spoke.

“Kristoff, your daughter has been sleeping since I bought her here, even though we had three interruptions through the night.”

“Three?”

“Yes, first Olaf asking for chocolates, then Anna claiming she heard Emma crying, and once she saw the chocolates she stayed here, and now you…”

“Chocolates?” He didn’t understand why the queen would have chocolates in her bedchambers, but he decided that was better not to ask. “Sorry, can I take Anna back to our room?”

“Oh yes.” She turned around to see her sister, “Anna, Kristoff is here”. But Anna was soundly asleep with her mouth stained with chocolate. Kristoff and Elsa couldn’t help it but chuckle.

“Anna…” he muttered on her ear in an attempt to wake her up, but it was futile. She mumbled something incomprehensible and rolled over.

“I don’t have the heart to wake her up…”

“Leave her sleeping here. I’m used to this, it’s not the first time.” Elsa gave Kristoff an apologetic look, “Sorry, the first night has turned like this…”

“Don’t worry, Elsa. At least, I’ve got the whole bed for myself.”

“Try to sleep well, then.”

“You bet I will.”

———

The second night was far better. After dinner, Kristoff kissed Emma on her forehead and excused himself to take a bath. The baby was eating, so easily he had around half an hour to make all the preparations. Once in the bedroom, he took his clothes off and went to the bathroom. He started filling the bath and then dropped some salts. He lighted some scented candles that Elsa had given him and waited for the bathtub to be filled and Anna to come back.

After a while he had been busy with the preparations, he heard the bedroom door opening, closing, and then some steps.

“Kristoff? Are you done with the bath?”

Anna was taking out the hair clips in front of the dresser when she felt two big hands around her waist.

“I’m not done. Actually, I didn’t take the bath yet.” He gently nibbled her earlobe while he started to unbutton her dress. “I was waiting for you, but you can’t enter into the bathtub all dressed.”

The dress fell down to the floor. Anna turned around to face Kristoff and noticed he was already naked. She was still wearing her underwear, and with an inviting look, she let him know what she was waiting for. Kristoff slowly finished undressing her. When he reached to her panties, he bent down and left short kisses on her navel. He put her panties down and slid his hands over her buttocks. Anna sent the clothes away quickly with a kick and let herself to be lost on the kisses and caresses her husband was giving her.

“You know? You owe me,” said Kristoff following with his mouth a path of freckles on her belly.

“Do I?”

“Yes, from last night.”

“And how can I pay you?”

“Hmmm, I’m open to negotiation…”

Kristoff reached her centre with his mouth. Anna shivered when she felt swiftly kisses on her auburn bush and leaned on the dresser to gain support. Then, he slowly slid his tongue and started playing with her clit. Anna let out a loud mewl, and a smirk appeared on his mouth without stopping his licking. He opened his way through her folds, sliding his tongue inside her. She sank her fingers into his hair, running them with desperation, and pushing his head against her core in an attempt to feel him deeper inside her. He placed one hand on her waist and the other one was pressed against her entrance, his thumb rubbing her clit. Anna was breathing heavily, filling the room with her moans. She felt a knowing warm feeling in her stomach that was approaching her core until she finally reached her climax screaming his name. He unlatched his mouth from her centre and look at her with a devious smile on his lips. Anna was gasping; her fingers still seized on his hair.

“That was…” She couldn’t finish her phrase because she needed to recover her breath.

“Breathtaking?” Kristoff gave her a smug face, and he cleaned his mouth with his arm. He tenderly kissed her, and Anna could taste her scent on the kiss.  “Come here Princess, before the water gets cold,” and saying that, Kristoff took her into his arms and carried her to the bathroom.

“Whoa, you’ve done quite a work here,” said Anna looking around the bathroom where the scented candles were the only light source and filled the atmosphere with a lavender aroma. The bathtub awaited full of bubbles. Kristoff gave Anna a long kiss before helping her enter the tub. Once he was inside too, they continued kissing, and Anna found the way to sit above him, facing him.

“Do I still owe you?”

“Hmmm, maybe.”

“Because this trade is a little bit unfair…”

“And what do you want to do to fix it…?”

Anna started rubbing her centre against his crotch, sensing how his arousal was growing. Kristoff felt how her nipples were getting harder against his chest, and her lips were kissing almost with desperation his neck. Every movement coming from Anna’s hips created waves on the water, and the bubbles started floating in the air. Anna didn’t wait so long and filled herself with his member. Both of them closed their eyes at the same time and let out a moan of pleasure in unison. She continued her movements at a rhythmical pace. Her skin was wet as result of sweat and water mingled together, her pupils were dilated because of her arousal, and her hair was following her movements as a flare. Kristoff was bewitched by her wife’s beauty, and in the middle of the passion, he reached her lips to kiss her fiercely. Once she broke the kiss to gain some air, she buried her face in his neck.

“I love you, Kris…” she said next to his ear between gasps.

“I love you too, feisty-pants.”

She kept her rhythmic movement for a while trying to delay her climax for her own pleasure and to reach it at the same time as Kristoff. When she noticed he was almost ready, she increased her thrusting fiercely. He emptied himself inside her at the same time she reached her peak. Despite being into the water, she could feel the warm sensation going through her sex and spreading inside her. They remained still for a while, mingled in an embrace, their parts still connected. Anna moved away from him softly, placing herself against him with her head over his chest. They both still were immersed in their afterglow, their breathing slowly recovering their normal pace.

“Can we stay like this forever?” Anna asked drawing invisible figures on her husband’s chest.

“Spending the night in a bathtub? It’s romantic, but I don’t think it’s safe,” Kristoff replied, brushing locks of red hair away from her temple. He took a sponge that was on the table beside the bathtub.

“What about if we actually take a bath?” Kristoff kissed his wife’s forehead and began washing her arms gently. Then, he continued with her breasts and her belly. Anna sat straight so he can wash her back, and with each rub, he left a kiss. Next, he took her by her waist and with a swift movement, he let her know that she could lean back his chest. He washed her legs with lingering strokes of the sponge until he reached her core. The sponge was left floating on the water. He didn’t need it now. Her parts were still swollen from the recent lovemaking session, and the mere touch of one of his digits was enough to ignite Anna’s desire again.

Kristoff placed his hand on her belly to keep her still, while with the other one started to pleasure her. At first, he only touched her clit with his fingertip. She arched her back a little because his husband’s massive hand prevented her from having a more wild reflex. He spread her folds with two fingers, rubbing, caressing. Her moans were loud and sometimes muffled. After playing for a while with his fingers, he finally entered her. First, one digit, then two, and then three. Anna held onto the edge of the bathtub, her hips dancing at the rhythm of her pleasure. Kristoff buried his face in the hollow of her shoulder, kissing her, biting her, while his fingers thrust inside her at a fierce pace.

Anna took his hand, the one over her belly, and placed it in her mouth. She licked one of his fingers and then started sucking it. She could feel his hardness below her, so she moved away a little to reach it under the water. Kristoff kept fingering her, and then she began to pleasure him at the same pace. She was about to reach her climax when she shoved Kristoff’s hand off and filled herself with his member. They came quickly after, and once Anna moved away, she started kissing him tenderly on his lips, his face, his neck.

“Were you saying about taking a bath?” Anna asked snuggled against him.

“We took a bath…among other things…”

“Kris, we really needed this…I mean, do this, being together like this…”

“I know. How do you feel?”

“Exhausted, and the happiest woman in the world.”

“That’s good because I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

��—–

The third night was perfect. They said goodnight to Elsa and Emma in front of the Queen’s bedchambers and went to their room. They had regained their confidence in bedroom matters, not they had lost it, but after three months of full-time parenthood and little of marital life had been enough to make them feel hopeless. The previous night was all they had needed to resume their love life. After their lovemaking session in the bathtub, they had slept soundly through the whole night. And now, they were planning to reprise the same passion but in a more conventional place: their bed.

They discarded their clothes on the floor with the same fierceness as they used to do when they were lovers long before getting married. They did it between kisses and giggles and hands exploring each other’s anatomies. They reached the bed in the same circumstances, and Kristoff felt how a pair of soft hands pushed him against the mattress.

Anna was eager to devour him and so she did. With kisses, with bites that left marks on his skin. She finally came to his already erected member, and with a devious smile, she prepared to lick it. Kristoff closed his eyes in anticipation to the pleasure he was about to receive. And once he felt her soft lips around his hardness, he left out a sigh and then a long groan. Anna continued with her ministrations. Licking, sucking, kissing, caressing.

He restrained himself a little and tried to delay his climax for a while. When he couldn’t cope it anymore, with a soft caress he let Anna know that was enough. He rolled over getting on top of her and caressing her between her thighs, he approached her core with wandering fingers. His touch was soft and long enough to make her wet, and then he slowly entered her. His kisses were hungry in agreement with his thrusts. Anna raked his back with her nails and whispered tender and naughty words in his ear. He managed to smile in the middle of the kisses and the concentration that what he was doing required. He replied her with more tender words and some naughty phrases too that made Anna blushed even more.

Kristoff shut his eyes and wrapped Anna into a tight embrace when he emptied himself inside her with a last fierce blow. She screamed loudly, her legs circled around his waist pushing him more inside her. He muffled her moans with a long desperate kiss and moved away from her trying to catch his breath.

Both were covered with sweating and gasping. Anna rested her head over his broad chest, caressing nonchalantly his navel. They stayed like that for a while, enjoying the afterglow with caresses and kisses as the only way of expression.

“Do you want a second round now, or do you prefer to wait till morning?” Kristoff asked her playing with her tousled hair.

“Hmmm, morning sex…Since when we don’t do it?”

“Since Emma was born, probably.”

“Hmmm, I’d like to do it again now, but sincerely I prefer to stay like this for the whole night and do it again in the morning…” Anna replied between yawns and left a peck on his chest.

“As you wish, princess.” Kristoff kissed her on the forehead, then on her nose, and finally on her lips. Then, he tangled his legs between hers, threw a blanket over them, and let the sleep gained him over.

#kristanna #kristanna fanfic #kristannasmutweekend2018 #kristanna smut #kristanna smut weekend #kristanna smut weekend 2018 #day 1 longing #frozen fanfic #carrie asagiri fanfics #i couldn't help it but include some frohana

[starfishy2]

Depression

1.      DISCLAIMER: This is NOT an attempt to garner attention. I don’t care if nobody reads this at all. But I have friends that, I think, think things like this - honest, real life, not-everything-is-sunshine-and-rainbows posts - matter. Plus my therapist is always telling me I should write down how I’m feeling.

I don’t like to feel. In my experience, feelings are best kept under lock and key. Nobody gets hurt, no hopes get dashed. Everything is just so. As it should be.

I know there are good emotions. But with the good come the bad, and the bad are so much more...resonant. So it’s easier to keep at an even keel, to let life wash over you without budging.

And further more, I know that tact isn’t exactly healthy. My therapist tells me as much, but she also knows it’s the closest thing I have to control in this messy world. I do have control issues, but over a select few things: my emotions and actions, my art, and my life. I want to do everything myself, and to keep a level head. I take a tremendous amount of pride in what I do, baking, writing and otherwise. I am my own worst critic, and a perfectionist for only myself.

So, when I started to go down on the second, I held the reins tightly and tried to forcibly pull up. No dice. I cried pretty much all day, first from a talk I didn’t want to have – let’s face it, I NEVER want to talk. And then there was therapy. Which is more talking that I don’t want to do. A necessary evil, I suppose. In those talks, I examined the emotions I kept such a tight hold on that I wasn’t even sure if I had them at all. Which doesn’t actually make sense. Like at all.

The next day, I was worse. I kept my music on, even at work, hoping the loudness would drown out the increasingly persistent voice that was my own telling me all sorts of LOVELY things. If you’ve had depression over things you view as faults in yourself, you know what that voice says…and if you haven’t, you’re lucky, my love. It doesn’t bear repeating.

The night of the third, I just broke. I don’t cry. Almost ever. At least, I try to keep it to a bare minimum, and never for more than a few minutes. I have this system, see: I’m allowed to be sad for the smallest amount of time, and then I have to move on. I think I saw something like that in a film once. The Matrix? No, it was Lost, that weird TV show. I was youngish when it first came out, so Jack’s little anecdote to Kate about allowing herself to be scared for five seconds, that’s kind of what I took away from it.

Anyway, yeah, I cried. A lot. Too much. Over too many small things that my best friend told me I was making too big of a deal over. Perhaps things had just reached a very solid head, in my mind and I was emotional over things I thought I was over. Which is how I tend to roll. I’ve always been a huge bottler, which is SERIOUSLY not a good thing to be.

More often than not, I feel like I’m a very tightly wrapped MESS. Like when a kid cleans their room and everything ends up in the closet or under the bed, but all you can FINALLY see is the clean floor. But the door is creaking and the child is hoping you don’t even glance at it, because then it might burst open.

And that’s how I get sometimes. I can make it through almost anything like there are sunshine and rainbows everywhere. Until I can’t. And usually it’s just a small avalanche. Occasionally someone is hurt in the flow. But control is swiftly regained and there are sunshine and rainbows again.

*honestly, I think that’s why I work so much, at times, besides actually needing the money. It’s easier to control that, than to be stuck with my emotions*

So when the doors opened the other night, it wasn’t a quick storm. I’m still not quite up to par from that. All day yesterday, I was almost dazed. Disconnected. My friend tried to get my spirits up. But all I wanted to do was sleep or scream and throw things. Which isn’t my style at all. I texted my therapist and told her exactly how I was feeling, and she did the responsible therapist thing and got my address…just in case. And checked on me often. And I’ll probably have my third session in as many weeks, which isn’t doing wonders for my bank account.

But I made myself stay somewhat upright and busy (hey, I have a facebook page for my baking business now!) until I had to go to work. Work the next evening was somewhat…tense for me. So I focused on baking, which is my help. But I was quiet. Somber. Subdued. Which, if you know me, I already am all of those things. There was a distinct aura of disinterest and an itching to be anywhere else.

Last night I was up late baking. I didn’t finish my dough until nearly 2. Then I stayed up watching I Love Lucy until 7. And laid about listlessly until noon today when I made myself get up and finish the cinnamon rolls.

And why, ladies and gentlemen, am I regaling you with the story of one of my more painful breaks?

Again, not to get your sympathy. I know a lot of people with depression. I know people who have surrendered to it. I have tried, myself, several times, and considered it more. My therapist asked me my “1-10” yesterday. I got up to a 7-8 the night before. Right now, I’m at a 3-4. I don’t think I could try again, not now. Too many responsibilities. Too many wonderful people I know now.

A year and some months ago, I started therapy because I went to a 9-10. I got drunk and barely stopped myself from driving my car into the wall of an off-ramp at 3 in the morning after I caused what I still feel is irreparable damage. I hated myself in those moments before I turned my car, enough to not care. Later, when I was miraculously home and safe in my own apartment, I did the pills. After college, and taking way too many sleeping pills one really bad summer, I tried not to have much more than aspirin in my house. But I downed what I could of those and went to bed. And woke up the next day, obviously. Sadder and more broken than I ever thought I could be. So that’s when I decided to actually DO therapy. I’d danced around the idea for a while before that. But there were always excuses for why not. But I did it. I emailed a few therapists and found the one I’ve been with for over a year.

And it’s helping. A lot. This is the worst I’ve been since then. Granted, I’ve had bad days, but they’re just days. I haven’t gone down so hard in a year.

So I guess I’m trying to say…therapy helps. It does. It’s hard and I hate it more often than not, but I doubt I would be typing this right now if I hadn’t started. With therapy, I finally started to grasp that I DON’T need people to be okay. I may want them, but it has to be just for me, not to fill a gap. I don’t NEED guys to think I’m attractive, and when they do, it’s okay.

I grew up wishing I WASN’T. And at the same time, never believing that I was. My “attractiveness” was a hurt, was in a way a sin I was committing, in my eyes. Maybe my past wouldn’t be my past if I wasn’t as beautiful as people think I am. I think I’m passable. And at times I would use that, to make myself feel wanted and important, and I would shut down when that was all that seemed to matter. It was a weird place to be in. I’m still climbing out of it. But it’s easier with help

My therapist encourages me to find my happy place. Well, I know where that is: Ireland. But while I can’t be there now, she also tells me to remember how that felt and to find what gives me that special, magical HOME feeling.

I feel like I’m talking in circles. So here, I’ll end the madness by saying this: it’s okay to be depressed. It’s natural. But please don’t let it overwhelm you like it almost did to me. Find that little piece of happy you’ve experienced before. And try to recreate it. For me, it’s baking. But for you, it could be ANYTHING. And when you find it, keep at it. Find your safe. Find your love.

Today I dressed up. No special reason. I just decided to. And that helped. And I rolled cinnamon rolls. And that helped too. And I’m going out to get dinner with one of my favourite friends, and that will help as well. It’s okay to take things one step at a time. It’s okay to have more than one thing. And it’s okay to take a while.

But it DOES get better. You CAN come back from even a 9-10. And it’s okay to need help to do it. It’s okay to TALK about it, like I am. Depression is hard to understand, even if you have it yourself. No two depressions are alike, I think. But maybe something I’ve said can help with someone else’s?

Kisses.

#depression #healing #suicide #therapy #beautiful