#my body is physically against it

[crabussy]

god it’s so impossibly hard leaving a place you’ve ached for so hard for three whole years

I get on the plane tomorrow. wish me luck I’m a fragile little animal

#leaving nz (‘: #robin shut up challenge #it’s been beyond incredible Im so thankful for this #but god. it’s so impossibly hard to leave #my body is physically against it #I shake whenever I think about leaving 👍

[heretodefyfate]

fudge it, renegade Aevia posts

#pkmn rejuv #pkmn rejuv v13.5 spoilers #KArts #some people already seen this but meh #decided to post these now cuz' why not #i hope we get to see more of that buff-Melia version #again. Talon's physical body got morphed against his wills and clearly in pain #me: oh my gosh! he looks so cool!

[xysidhequeen]

Current count since I last slept: 41 hours.

I think I've capped out at 46 before, I'm not sure because my worst fit of insomnia had me in no position to check times. But I'll say 46. So if we hit 48 we're setting personal records!

#i do not want to actually be awake #my body just physically cant process stress #'oh zee why cant you be in a car?' #this. this is why #and you might think: 'oh this cant be because you were in a car!' #it is. it so totally is #and also stress #but mostly i blame being in a car #everytime i get in a car i get sick #motion sickness vertigo dizziness insomnia #my body is violently against automobiles #which is actually so annoying because i finally own one of my dream cars #and wanna know when i last drove my baby? #A YEAR AND FIVE FUCKING MONTHS AGO #Also please for the love of fuck do not suggest anything to help me sleep #i. have. tried. it. #when im dealing with insomnia like this the only way it stops is preceiotion strength meds or my body calms itself the fuck down #no teas no melatonin no meditating no lettuce water no hot milk NOTHING will work #and also even prescription strength meds dont always work when its like this i have woken up like two hours after taking some b4 #when my body doesnt want to sleep it will not sleep #you can tell how little sleep im running on based on how unhinged these tags are

[obstinatecondolement]

It feels like every day I read attempts to debunk the social model of disability that fundamentally misunderstand what the social model of disability is and who the people who developed that model were, including what the nature of their disabilities was, and I want to scream.

But I don't, because yelling at people on the internet is basically pointless. Instead I check to see that I'm not mutuals with whoever reblogged said misunderstanding and vague about it.

#'but [x impairment] would still exist and have [y implications] even if the world were completely accessible!' #okay well yeah but equating impairment and disability is explicitly the opposite of the social model of disability #the union of the *physically impaired* against segregation who developed this model #*were* by and large privileged in ways many other disabled people are not‚ yes #mike oliver who wrote the fucking book on the social model of disability #(social work with disabled people‚ published in 1983) #was a white man with a phd who pioneered an academic field‚ for one #and there *are* criticisms about the limitations to a purely social model of disability to be made #but like... our pal mike oliver was also a wheelchair user who broke his neck in a swimming accident as a teenager #which caused paralysis that affected his upper and lower body #not a clueless 'physically abled' autistic who didn't understand how physical limitations work #he lived the first 17 years of his life as a physically abled person #so I think he was aware of the difference between what his body could do before and after his accident #and like 'disability is socially constructed' #is not saying that differences between people and what they are able to do or do easily do not exist?? #my eyesight is so bad that if I could not access corrective lenses I would be functionally blind #and even with glasses my myopia and astigmatism cause a lot of tangible effects on my body #e.g. migraines‚ eyestrain‚ so many floaters that even looking through pristine glasses is like the lenses are scratched to hell #but my eyesight is not considered a disability #because the accommodations that enable me to participate in society fully in this area are so standard as to be invisible #can I magically see without corrective lenses? no #does wearing glasses not being considered a disability mean that I do not get migraines and eyestrain? no #so the arguments the thing I am vaguing are trying to debunk are not what is being argued! #well seems like I screamed about it after all #oh well

[deus-ex-mona]

historians will say that they were ✨just rivals✨

#aka ‘h ow the heck does that ~2 sec long aizowink gif from the mvm have a larger file size than all of these—’ #the hug gif annoys me though ngl the ‘g e t a r o o m’ energy is real #so i finally got round to ‘remaking’ these without physically recording my laptop screen like a hoser #m an am i sick of lxl (i say; browsing through lxl pixiv) #speaking of p ix iv though.. don’t look at nagisa’s tag on there p l s it’s like 80% lip-hiyo on there #half of that remaining 20% is official mv art (and that sweet nghy we love) and the rest of that is. well. #…nagisa x satoe. help mans i just want nghy how di d it end up like this— #i digress. anyways. lxl fruity i don’t make the rules; y’all voted for them against lovewins elicchi so you have to suffer with my lxl posts #染BODY ONCE TOLD ME—

[hajihiko]

Seeing as ghost are canon in danganronpa, how do you feel about Junko ghost AUs where she haunts the remnants or first game survivors?

It is almost literally my favourite narrative take (tight behind found family / they love each other) I am SO about it you have no idea. It's the tastiest I go nuts

#I yell and think loudly about Junko physically haunting the ppl who took her body parts so much and often #Fuyuhiko sees someone right out of the corner of his eye that's supposed to be blind #Even after Nagito gets a cool robot hand sometimes it acts against his will for a second and it feels like .... #Mikan is such a whoof idk if I can even go there. But she might have it worst of all #Like while everyone is haunted they get it the worst #Maybe it's because of them that the entire island is haunted. Bc they kept her alive in a way that cant be undone #If they took in even a little bit of her cells or blood or DNA. Its irreversible and shes just There Now. #Can u imagine??? Ur on an abandoned island or a ship and you dont have the option of leaving. And there is a ghost #Everyone knows it but talking about these things gives them power you know #Maybe that's partially why even the antisocial or private people start sleeping with others in the room #You'd rather wake up to your loudly snoring friend than to a vague silhouette that *might* be someone sitting on the corner of your bed #Sorry I lose it when ppl start to talk horror I dont know what I'm writing #I have an entire fanfic in my head that I might get out sometimes about The Haunting Of Jabberwock Island

[eduurun]

Oh great, I think I fucked up my back (again).

#fingers crossed to not be anything serious #i can’t go to the gym and do good sessions #i always back home with some pain #it seems my body is against doing physical activity #when it’s not my back is my wrist and if not my knee #can I just train for an entire week without getting injured? Thanks #f***********************ck

[woundposting]

.

i had to take a beta blocker today because my heart rate wasn't slowing down and i was able to go to work but then i came home and literally felt like i was suffocating 🧍‍♂️ my heart rate was absolutely fine but i felt like i was running out of oxygen and was going to die. it took two hours for it to pass. never in my 7 years of anxiety have i felt so weak and such strong physical symptoms. i'm so full of life and i had so many plans and i keep getting my hopes up that it'll get better soon but it isn't and there's literally nothing i can do except waiting and coping with it

#physical and mental health stuff #🦇 #and you may ask yourself 'why are you still going to work if you feel on the brink of death on a daily basis' well i'm stubborn #and also i can't get a long sick leave. i would just get fired #and i do like my job. but it's my body turning against me for no fucking reason #each week i deal with new symptoms that have no medical explanation and it just feels like a bad taste joke

[plague-of-insomnia]

ever had a day you felt you just could not exist?

#today was that day #it’s like my mood and physical symptoms decided to get together against a common enemy (me) #:/ #i think part of it is the ongoing stress from the doctor situation #plus the pca i started working with who i thought i could rely on #told me last night she basically can only do things around the house during our designated time slot #i cannot drive #we do not have public transport here #so if hubby is working down town i don’t have any way to go or get many things #and i thought i could count on her and that would be one less thing on my stress pile #but noooo apparently #sigh #not kuro #personal #btw this isn’t a suicide thing #it’s more like…. #uh how to explain #idk like my brain and body kept giving me the blue screen of death so i couldn’t work today #🤷🏻 a very inelegant and not quite accurate metaphor but here we go

[kaeyapilled]

would you rather fistfight tartaglia behind the church of favonius or lose 30 rock paper scissors rounds to ayato in a row and he’s making this smug face at you the entire time like he predicted every move you were going to make

gave this like a full day of thought. maybe two days i dont know i have poor memory. if we are analyzing this hypothetical scenario seriously i will have to take ayato rock paper scissors. i could not hold my own in a fist fight against like. anyone. much less childe tartaglia. the psychological warfare that the ayato option implies would be extremely tough to brave my way through but at least my bones will be intact by the end of it

#i am like so bad at any sort of physical engagement #in gym this week we had to do some fight related exercises #- i can only assume that was a way to make us let out our rage safely so the boys won't punch each other after a soccer game - #and oh my god i was so bad at it #i paired up w a girl whos such a nerd (affectionate) because i thought oh we must be close to each other in ability #(forgot the very important detail that she does dance) #lena noodle arms and legs vs girl who's strong in both body and mind.. absolutely humiliating #if tartaglia was to go easy on me i still think id lose badly. #the prospect sounds funny though. if he's up against anyone else that isnt me #monoceros caeli act two: ajax sets up a fight club behind the church of favonius #anonpilled #childe #tartaglia

[dawn-star01]

all right i had a Realization today

so a long time ago (okay, not that long ago, this is like a little while ago), in the heyday of the invader zim fandom there was a fan forum called wormbaby.net. and on that forum as you might expect there was a fanfiction subforum

anyway, long before the Tome that is fallout equestria, there was a suuuuper long invader zim fanfic that i really enjoyed, where because of the distance that zim travelled to get to earth, he inadvertently was exiled beyond the range of the control brains, which were surreptitiously altering the biology of zim's people to keep them in a sort of permanent prepubescence, whereas the rulers were granted the ability to actually grow into themselves (or something, it's been years)

anyway

so the story is that zim, freed from the brains' influence, starts to develop along with dib, but along with the normal puberty things zim is also dealing with the depths of his indoctrination and moreover that some very fundamental truths about his body were deliberately kept from him as a form of control

boy i wonder why i latched on to that fic so hard

#this was also the fanon universe that i made my Very First OC in #jax #OH AND THAT THE TRIGGER FOR ZIMS REALIZATION WAS THE PHYSICALITY OF HIS BODY CHANGING AGAINST HIS WILL AAAAAAAA

[olli-online]

ihate how loud and clear the voices in my head are theywont stop shouting and yelling and being angry at eachother

#i dontknow how to describe jt its like watching ppl fight but its all noise in ur head that makes u physically hurt too #i can hear theharsh words being thrown around and the spit coming out from how much theyre putting into it #i can hear things being thrown and smashing against walls i feel small and scaredand i want to flee my own body but icant #idkif its just me that has this god im in so much pain like its making my migraine worse

[monsterbisexual]

the fly (1986), ginger snaps (2000), black swan (2010)

#blood #body horror #i guess? #anyway what im getting at is like. visually they all seem v similar to me #+ like being signs of a physical sort of animal transformation in the characters #black swan one is a stretch maybe but idc #decided for now against making a horror sideblog cuz like. i rb lots of that stuff here anyway so w/e #p #my post #? sure #ok2rb btw if u wanna 👍

[parlerenfleurs]

Heartbreaking: the monogamous tiny bi butch who is very much engaged has insane chemistry with you to the point that just existing near her makes your blood warm.

#Bloom talks #lovely butch #tiny bi butch #forgot which tag I'm using for her #WHY does it feel so physically arousing to be near some people? I'm not even thinking about it and my body just reacts like #“put your hand on her thigh” no what?? #“put your arms around her and lean your head against her” shut up :“D #“[escalating nonsense while I stare in the middle distance throughly distracted]* #happened more often when I was a teenager but it is NOT easier to deal with now #uuuuggghhfhfhfjfj #I have no idea if this kind of thing is necessarily reciprocal or not #my only experience discussing something somewhat like this was with Pretty Girl and it wasn't the same #... well actually it was close enough #and she was indeed interested in me so I wonder #nothing I can or will do about it either way!! but existing like this is hard you know?? #she was literally against me I am perishing

[tamagotchikgs]

i am still so weak dude even just using the trackpad on my laptop for a minute or maybe even less to scroll on tumblr was enough to make my arm tingly nd numb

#and it just spreads out through my body i am so oug...... #i slept since 1pm yesterday to 6am today i think? and i still feel so tired my brain cant function #i just feel so heavy n like even breathing is taking every ounce of energy i have #i dont even know why it's hitting me so hard right now #usually i only pass out once or twice in a month n i recover pretty quickly but this has been rapid fire n constantly getting worse #i dont even think ill be able to go back to silks this week :( #and that fucking sucks not only because i really enjoy it but also it's the only thing that gets me out of the house #it's the only thing i have to use against my anxiety #i just feel like im stuck getting physically worse n because of that ill be forced to mentally regress from all the work ive put in #at the same im. doing a lot better mentally i think just because i hav my partner n being able to spend time w them just. changes everythin #everything is so much better & feels so much more possible #maybe ill be ok if i have that #it's not the full isolation downward spiral that would usually happen #i still have something 2 push myself for #i still have a bit of a continuous thing going im still not. failing? maybe . i dont know #from the second i go 2 sleep 2 the second i can talk to them again i cam looking forward to it i am buzzing #i just wish my body would allow me to have good things o(-<

[shrews-things]

Re. last reblog, this whole issue pisses me off so much and like, if people were more normal about intersex bodies, I think *everyone* would be less ashamed of their bodies

#of course intersex people take the brunt of this damage #just #as a trans person I can't begin to tell you how scared I was of starting hrt bc of the genital changes it brings #bc then people would find me disgusting and nobody would want me #and I've seen several young transmascs deciding against hrt because they heard people thing bottom growth is ugly #and really all that does also burn down to people just really being unable to be normal about intersex bodies #y'know kinda like how transphobia hurts cis people too because no gender or sex is a monolith and we're all different really #anyway making this a separate post bc I didn't want to derail the og one hdksfhkshdj #but had to get it off my chest because it's still so easy to feel ashamed #because of what people think of not clearly fitting into the physical characteristics of one sex