#my autism is popping off today goddamn

[quadruple-a-battery-under-ur-bed]

💭 ⛪️✨️

For ask game!

💭 Some character headcanons

ok so rufus is like 100% gay like ik hes mlm thats canon bc vincent but i dont think his sexuality is ever mentioned lmaoo so like + he would be a fan of like dua lipa n shit but like hide it so much and act like he listens to acdc and like clive is the only one who doesnt realise his music taste tbh

farah is defos like omni/pan romantic and greysexual + she defos checked ao3 n tumblr to see if there was rpf about her. she definitley wasnt going to read it. why do u ask

gary is transfem bc i said so rn (im bsing these hcs on the spot based on vibes ima be real) and defos experimented w dudes in like pallamistus equivelent to collage/uni and still fucks em sometimes so hes like hetroromantic/bisexual w preference for women also he learnt how to make coloured metal and then made pride flag swords (i dont think pallamistus would have many pride flags but i think there would maybe be a rainbow pride one + jason showed ppl pride flags from earth and started making it a bit of a thing by accident

⛪ Favorite deity

knowledge or healer r my faves bc like knowledge as a deity their domain speaks to me like yesssss facts n shit and then healer as a fuckin person is so cool like they use i belive its he/they or he/it since jason refers to them w they/them or it/its at some point idk which but like i just find em v v interesting i love em also death is such a cool goddess bc like theyre not a bad deity like other similar ones like pain and trickery n stuff which i just like symbolically like "death is not unnatural it is a force of good just like life"

i do have a bit of beef w the whole evil gods being purged out bc like mortals doing that like sure ig (but also like yall r piss scared of a god but u wanna kill em and yall have the balls to do that damn) but like the fact that ALL OTHER GODS ACTIVLEY HUNT THEM is a bit like why? yall r litteralyl forces of nature personified why are these ones bad dumbass why is pain exterminated why is trickery frowned upon WHY IS DISGUISE A BAD GOD????? and then FUCKING PURITY WHO IS TRYING TO DESTORY THE WHOLE WORLD TO BE TAKEN OVER JUST IS NEVER FLAGGED AS AN EVIL GOD??? like yes the gods know its decipt and cant say shit but like surley theres a god who that is within their purview to speak about??? like truth or some shit can reveal lies or smthn

damn thats another rant abt some worldbuildy thinks (im working up the post rn idk y)

✨ Coolest power (essence or otherwise)

ok so i think skill books r super super cool and also masivley underused like wdym theres fucking skill books and noone uses them like sure u need a whole new power to use em but like just make a ritual like cmon theres prolly a ritual for every cool ass essence ability and like jasons power that absorbs essences n awakening stones also gives him the skill book one like they r absolutley linked JUST FUCKIN RITUAL THIS SHIT UP

FREE KNOWLEDGE

HOW HAS NOONE MADE A RITUAL FOR THIS YET

oh also on the topic: knowledge prolly has a shit ton of skill books on like everything why dont they make skill books for basic skills like reading and writing and simple maths and do free rituals for kids to bypass the whole years long education system that fucks up kids mental states later on (the mental health but is more high school but still) like yes theres prolly a min age like essences n shit but like. just wait?? cmon its like fifteen years CMON oh also speaking of the min age is that like a last minute puberty thing or is it like a second magic puberty also surley it would be like "ur defos gettin fucked up" -> "prolly gettin fucked up" -> "maybe gettin fucked up" -> "no fuckedupedness now :3" (like normal)

soz that last one was a worldbuilding rant abt skill books goddamn i didnt know i had that in me wow

#:0 someone spoke #question-of-violence #hwfwm #he who fights with monsters #my autism is popping off today goddamn

[hyperfixatedfandomer]

@little-box-of-autism I’m posting this ask as an image because I posted the draft before it was done teehe 🤭 anyway, enjoyyyy💅✨ also this is a full-sized one-shot now so if you want a bit of context — feel free to read the headcannon list for how Spider’s dynamic with one of the Sullys would look like if they were to be caught by the RDA together.

An outcast and a coward (Spider caught with Neteyam AU)

.

“-And then he rose out of the water like some goddamn hydra and pulled me into the pond! But then I remembered about the mask so it was fine, and then we fought with Fike and Mansk but of course I won because I mean — look at me” Spider grinned sarcastically, flexing his biceps as he told Neteyam the story of what happened while he went to fish with half of the recom squad as the younger Na'vi was given the assignment of finding twigs for the fire with another group. In his excitement, the blonde failed to notice the irritation slowly creeping into Neteyam's features.

“You had a lot of fun today, haven’t you?”

“Uh huh” Spdier nodded innocently, smiling. “Turns out Miles knows how to relax after all, and he's almost bearable to be around when he is!”

“You're calling him by his first name now?” Once again, a small red flag popped up in the form of Neteyam's slightly malicious tone, but his brother missed it all the same.

“Well yeah, can't keep on calling him sir. He's not my boss or granpa, it gets awkward.”

“Yeah, real awkward...”

Finally, the human had caught on. “...is something wrong? Was Lopez being an asshole to you again?” He asked with a hint of protectiveness.

“What? No, no....I just....I don't know..” now that Teyam was forced to face the topic thst has been bothering him head on, he felt sort of uncomfortable addressing it for a reason he didn't understand. “I know we can't get on the nerves of these pricks all the time but..aren't you getting a little too friendly with the colonel?”

Spider stopped, confused and at the insinuation. “...What are you talking about? I'm not being friends with him I'm just...well, trying to make this whole captivity thing more manageable. You said it yourself: we can't just be rude all the time, it grows old and gets on their nerves...”

“That is not what I-Spider” Neteyam leaned forward to make sure that the recoms at the camp didn't hear them, as they stood on the outskirts. “These avatars are looking for our family. They want to hunt down and kill my father. You can't play house with them just because they give us basic respect.”

“"play house"?? I'm just trying to be civil! I'm sorry if I don't feel like walking around handcuffed all day!”

“Is that what you call being "civil"? Playing games and acting all cute with a literal coloniser??” Neteyam's face morphed into a frown as he seemed to be letting out an emotion he's been holding in for a long time, and seeing it made Spider feel only more agitated at his accusations. Why did this moron have to bottle everything up until it spilled over? The blonde thought, ignoring the fact that he acted the same way.

“God, so what if I had one nice moment with-“

“Don't give me that.” Neteyam cut the boy off with an edge to his words similar to Neytiri's. “You've been doing nothing but batting your eyelashes at him for like, two weeks now.” The Na'vi spat as his buried anger bubbled to the surface. “For Eywa's sake I saw him pat you on the head yesterday and you practically melted into a puddle! Does it really feel that nice to have a murderer coddle you?” Young warrior's voice was cold as his accent thickened, a feature that appeared when he was getting furious.

It cut Spider like a knife as he felt embarrassment creep up his spine, painting his cheeks red. He was trying to play it cool as best as he could, he really did. But if Neteyam noticed, did the recoms too? Did Quartich? He thought he saw him hide a smile in that moment. God, how pathetic.

“Have you forgotten what they’re after??”

“N-no I-”

“So you have no shame then??” Neteyam raised his voice in a scolding tone, attracting the attention of some recoms in the distance, but they could still barely hear the conversation. “They’re reborn murderers. That man is responsible for destroying Hometree and you sag into his touch like a stray kitten??” Neteyam watched as Spider’s shoulders dropped with his every word, but couldn’t stop himself.

For weeks on end Teyam had been living in fear that tomorrow will be the day his father will die right in front of him, the day his family will fall appart and he couldn’t keep it in any longer, couldn’t watch Spider’s treacherous behaviour.

“Well, alright, it wasn’t really him who destroyed Hometree. That Quartich is dead and had been for years, this guy is just a clone.” Spider tried to explain himself, but realised that it was a very bad decision to make as Neteyam’s face stilled in shock.

“I-what I’m saying is-he’s still a humongous piece of shit but…but he could change. Eywa recognised him when she gave him an ikran, so he he can connect to her, he can learn, he could see. He’s not a lost cause and I just…I guess what I’m trying to say is…maybe if I try hard enough…maybe he could…y’know…switch sides? And then maybe no one will have to die?”

The silence was heavy with tension as Teyam stared into Spider’s soul.

…

“Are you shitting me?” He spat, and Spider could already tell this was going to end badly. Neteyam had that menacing low tone that usually expanded into yelling as he slowly opened the pandora’s box and let his emotions take hold of him. “You’re excusing him??” He pointed towards the colonel in the distance, who was coming back from the river with Fike, still in a good mood from interacting with Spider.

“Wha-NO! I would never excuse his actions, but he’s not that man!” The blonde tried desperately to defend himself. This is not what the meant.

“Did he tell you that? Are you just taking his word for it now!?” The Na’vi boy yelled and now everyone in the camp were staring at the two, but he payed them no mind. “What else did he tell you, huh? What other lies have you picked up??”

“None! Jesus Teyam I’m just trying to put things into perspective!”

“He is a genocidal maniac!! There is no perspective!!! Why are you so fucking hellbent on-oh.” The warrior stopped in the middle of his lecture, fury crossing his face. “It’s because of your blood isn’t it.”

Oh no. No no no.

“All these years of teaching you about that monster’s atrocities and yet you crawled back to him the second he showed up on our doorstep? Well aren’t you loyal to a fault.” He snarled, sarcasm oozing from his words.

Spider’s voice shook. He could never be loyal to him, what would make the Na’vi even think that? “Neteyam-”

“You were one of us and yet no matter how widely we opened our arms to you, you still chose them!?”

“I did not—”

“I’d call you a traitor but that wouldn’t be true would it? You were always on their side.” Neteyam was being paranoid at this point, but Spider didn’t know how to calm him, didn’t knew how to get through to the boy through his anger and Spider’s own terrified beating heart, but the next sentence made him freeze into a statue.

“Mother was right.” Neteyam growled. “You really are a demon, no better than him.”

The recoms have caught onto their argument, but stayed dead silent in shock of what they’ve just heard. Miles was frankly at a loss for words. What made the blue brat act so aggressively? How was the colonel suppose to react? He looked at the corporal in search of any kind of advice, but he had none and only put his hand on Quaritch’s shoulder in a sign of ‘this is their business, not ours. It’ll be a bad call to intervene.’

The blonde, meanwhile, didn’t even breathe as his heart shattered into tiny pieces. He heard the villagers at high camp whisper these words, but he never expected Neteyam to join in.

How did it even come to this? Long ago, they used to be such close friends, almost inseparable.

And now his old friend was calling him a demon.

Tears formed at the corners of the kid’s eyes as he stared back at Neteyam, trying to process the words he had heard and as they truly sank in, amongst the shame and the heartbreak, an old, long buried feeling began boiling his blood. The silence between the two was deafening.

Spider looked like he was desperately searching for something, until his mind, which was currently running in circles around the hurtful things Neteyam had said, settled on a sentence.

“ "wide open arms"? When did that happen?” His voice was suspiciously calm, so calm in fact it caught the younger boy off-guard as the snarl disappeared from his face.

“What?”

“You said the Ometekaya had accepted me with wide open arms. When did that happen?”

“…What do you mean?”

“I’m asking you a question. When did the Omatekaya accept me? Because I don’t remember that happening.”

The kid looked up at Neteyam, tear tracks on his cheeks and eyes filled with hurt the Na’vi had never seen before. “In fact, last time I checked, I was just a stray animal, an annoying, dirty waste of space to the clan and the family.” His breathing hitched. “I spent years trying to prove myself. Never talking back, never responding to the hurtful things said behind my back, always turning the other cheek in hopes that one day I won’t be hated anymore.” New tears poured down as Spider slowly, painfully opened up.

“…Spider…” Neteyam stood shocked, starting to regret his previous words. When was the last time he saw Spider cry? It must have been at least a decade. He looked so vulnerable like this, so much smaller than he actually was as his defences got torn down.

“I tried, I really did, to make the clan proud, to make them see I could be worthy, and when they called me a stray, an intruder, a-a murderer in the making, I kept my head down. I tho-ught…” he sobbed. “I thought if I just made myself as convenient as possible. Maybe….maybe….you would finally recognise me again…”

The younger Na’vi stood lost for words as his heart skipped several beats and the memories he kept at bay for almost half a decade began washing over him in waves.

He recalled the day his mother, Neytiri, made it clear she did not want an heir to the Olo’teykan and a "potential killer" hanging out together. Neteyam tried going up against her before, but this time her words felt final. He took her side that day, when Spider cried and defied her, yelling with a broken, small voice that they would keep being brothers no matter what, because it was a vow they gave one another years prior, when they were only babies.

He never kept that promise and the two of them never had a proper conversation afterwards. Neteyam felt too guilty to confront the human boy, so he just pretended like they were mere acquaintances.

And he did so for years.

Until recently, that is.

Just this morning, that day felt like a hundred years ago but now, as Teyam relived that argument in his mind, it looked like it had only happened yesterday. Like Neteyam had only abandoned Spider 24 hours ago.

“But I see it now…that you never even wanted to. Not you, not miss Sully, not Mister Sully, and not the clan. You turned your backs when I made a good deed but pointed at me at the slightest mistake. You only saw me for my failures, my ancestry and you never cared.” The na’vi boy never thought words could hurt this badly but they did, as guilt ate away at him and he watched the blonde fall appart more and more with every sentence.

“You cut me loose, all of you! And I was alone for so long and I’m sorry that I can’t find it in myself to hate him! I tried my best to stay away, I promise I did!!” He cried “But-but…he is the first grownup to see me…he doesn’t have to care, has no reason to…but he does ANYWAY! I KNOW ITS WRONG BUT…” a small sob escaped him as he took ragged breaths “I…I guess…I just…wanted…to know what it’s like…to not be alone anymore…even if it’s not real…even if it’s just for one tiny moment…”

Through the blur of his own tears, Spider saw the entire recom group stare at them, their ears pinned down in pity and shame overwhelmed him as he cursed and ran off, disappearing in the trees. No one dared to follow him.

Neteyam just stayed there, on the other hand, looking at the spot where his brother the blonde had stood, paralysed by the immense shame weighting down on his chest.

It was all his fault. He knew him all his life, he should have noticed, he should have seen that something was wrong, that the hurtful words and constant exclusion from the community stung no matter how well Spider hid it.

He should have fixed it.

He should have been there for him.

.

.

.

Author’s notes: Neteyam grasping with the fact that he had neglected Spider is low-key becoming my favorite thing ✨ I don’t usually write for him but tried my best to do it in character, especially with the whole "scolding Spider although he is older" thing. ALSO IM REALLY SORRY IF THIS WAS BADLY WRITTEN I TRIED REALLY HARD I SWEAR 😭😭😭

Should I make a part 2 where they talk it out tho? 🤨

#avatar #avatar way of water #avatar headcanons #avatar spider #spider avatar #spider socorro #miles socorro #avatar 2 #miles quaritch #avatar quaritch #miles spider soccoro #recom quaritch #quaritch avatar #avatar neteyam #neteyam avatar #neteyam sully #neteyam #avatar miles quaritch #brothers spider and neteyam

[regular-lord-reckoner]

i’m so fucking tired lol

my mom’s had some friends from work over today and initially i was planning on trying to be social and hang out a little bit, but as soon as they got here i realized that was going to be really hard so i was trying to work up the social energy to at least pop in for a minute, but when i told my mom i didn’t know if i would be able to socialize with anyone today she insisted that yeah i could, i could just say i wasn’t feeling 100% and that’d be fine, just go ahead and just...i’m so fucking tired

i’m so fucking tired of trying to tell people what my needs are and just having it be like, “lol, well okay anyway”

and i don’t think she was reacting that way to like...try to be dismissive on purpose or cruel, she probably thought she was helping somehow, but no, you’re not, sorry.

i’ve spent all goddamn day in my room because i didn’t want to run the risk of having to socialize with anyone and nobody bothered to check on me and see if i was okay or needed some food, nothing

it’s just like, oh well you’re not going to join in on the fun? okay, well rot, then!!!

it got to the point where i’m sitting here just starving my ass off and starting to go crazy because i keep looking out the window and can see nobody’s making any sign of leaving any time soon so i finally got pissed off and just got in my car and took off for a little while because i needed to just....be somewhere else

they’re finally gone now and i was able to make some food and i dunno if my mom’s going to be pissed at me tomorrow for being ~rude or whatever, but i’m just so fucking tired of nobody but me giving a shit about my autism

i realize it’s the most inconvenient thing in the world and more often than not makes me really un-fun to be around but imagine how i fucking feel and on top of that i have to feel like double shit because it’s apparently just too much to ask to like...try to understand me

[domschestofbones]

Aural. 1/5 short stories based on the five senses (cosmic horror)

“Lonely Day is the best ¾ metal song of all time. Tell me I’m wrong. System is undefeated, you can’t find a single bad song in their entire run. Go on, tell me one, bro.” The greasy punk squealed, eyes twitchin’.

Can’t I ever get a break from these fuckin’ people? Some sweaty guy gets an eye on what I'm lookin’ at and just feels the undying need to interject. It’s like a law of nature. God forbid I pick up a Metallica record around a dude with a ponytail and a Led Zeppelin shirt. I try to just enjoy things that make me happy, man. Metal, hip hop, electronic music, country, pop, whatever. All art has merit, and will make someone, at some point, happy. I see people nitpicking creativity all the time, especially if it’s something someone else enjoys. Music purists should be banned from record stores. Issue is that they already own all of ‘em.

 It’s cool, though. Bitchin’ to myself about others bitchin’ to me about shit I like but they don’t is so dumb that only a human could do it. If my JBLs are loud enough though, I can’t hear ‘em. 

My mom bought me a shirt from Walmart or something when I was a kid that said “If it’s too loud, you’re too old”. I thought it was pretty badass when I was younger. It had a rough sketched stick figure on it cranking up an oversized red volume knob under the text. It honestly rings true, in a different context. It’s nice to just pay attention to things you understand.

Crossing the sidewalk makes me think of Abbey Road. Rubber Soul is my favorite, for sure. “What Goes On” is some instant headnod with how those drums drive. Aren’t people who hate the Beatles just so much fun to talk to? Fuck those guys right off, man. Zappa out here yapping day in and out like a goddamn chihuahua. 

From behind me someone yelled “Ay Don!”

I turned around,”What’s u—”

The world goes blank.

I woke up in the hospital without a memory of any incident. Feels like I got hit by a car or something, though. My ears are ringing like feedback from an amp. I can see my mom arguing with a guy much shorter than her, he’s wearing scrubs. Fuck, my ears hurt. This rigning sucks, man. I hope they can give me some meds for it. I hope this shit goes away soon, it makes me want to dig a pencil in my ear. 

Part 2

I should be leaving the Hospital today, fuckin’ finally. Feeling yourself getting weaker, muscles shrinking, face losing weight, it’s torture. I’m not a gym rat, but I appreciate my health and ability to do a shitty kickflip. Can’t wait to go do that again, I should be getting out today.

While the nurses were wrapping up the last of the discharge paperwork, they let me put my headphones in. I didn’t bother telling them my ears were ringing, I didn’t want to stay here any longer, it smells terrible. Plus, it gradually went away after the first day and a half or so. I wasn’t actually too banged up. Just got a concussion, a broken rib and some ear ringin’ that I kept to myself.

The kid who hit me was a young girl in driver’s ed. She looked like she had seen her parents slaughtered in front of her or something, her eyes were wide when she looked at me. I can’t really get it out of my head how upset she seemed when she saw me in the bed here. The instructor later told me that she was still under 10 hours of driving time and that she was on the spectrum for autism. Emotionally taxing events like these hit her really hard and she would sometimes spiral into herself. I told him to tell her that I didn't wanna press charges, and to relay to her that I'm fine and that I hope she’s fine. I waved to her and smiled when she came to see me, and she just cried more. Hope she’s getting along better now, poor kid. 

I kinda feel like listening to a podcast, but I’ve actually had this song stuck in my head since I woke up. That annoying dude in the record store had me thinking about System of a Down. Is it another rule of the universe that a self titled album will live throughout time in crystallized mint? Track one is Suite-Pee. I get goosebumps thinking about the breakdown one minute in. I need to see these guys before I die. 

What a fuckin’ track. Quick picking and some slides in the tuning of C G C F A D start poking at my eardrums, I close my eyes and a smile tears along my skin. I swear the beginning measures of this song could form the mountains, rivers and stars of my own Shangri La. I would live so well in that world. A place where positivity and aggression dance together in a grip so intense that the air flexes around them. Destruction is disgusting and beautiful. The expanse of life is terrifying and soulful. It comes into focus under my shut eyelids. Fuckin’ A.

The introductory riffs switch to the drop of the chords and bombing of the drums and my head explodes. My ears scream like they’re bleeding and I wail louder than I thought I ever could. I’m dizzy, nauseous and my face is melting. I puke all over myself, my ears start ringing in the highest pitch I’ve ever heard in my life. Like, I had no idea a sound could ever be this high. This shit seems like it should just kill someone on the spot. I certainly fuckin’ thought this was it. Killed by my favorite SOAD song, ain’t life a bitch. That’s what my headstone should say. I faint.

Part 3

The ENT doctor tells me I have Subjective Tinnitus that can eventually progress to Musical Tinnitus. ST is caused by an overexposure to loud noise, MT being a malformation of that condition which occurs over time. It’s essentially going to make me start hallucinating and recreating melodies in real time in my mind as I get older. Which kind of sounds cool, sounds kind of trippy. Fuckin’ sucks, but I guess it’s better than being deaf. I should’ve worn more ear plugs at concerts, for sure. I started to wear em every show last year, but one year out of almost twenty isn’t a groundbreaking change. Thus, here we are. I have yet again fucked myself.

They gave me some ear drop medications to take home, an information packet on the condition and related issues, and told me to avoid using headphones and listening to loud music. My mom rubbed my shoulder in a hug knowing that I wasn’t going to be okay when the shock wore off. I can feel it wearing off already, I need to get home. I can’t be here right now. I hug my mom a second time, tell her I love her, get in my Lyft and head off to my apartment complex. I had to ask the Lyft driver to turn down the track, he looked at me annoyingly. I told him I love Kendrick, though. He kinda just scoffed. Fuck me.

As I close the door and take my first step toward the lawn, a kid rides behind me on a bike. He blasted a toy megaphone alarm at the back of my ear and I swear a rusty nail flew into it. My knees buckled and I hit the sidewalk hard, gripping my head cuz it felt like my brain was trying to escape my skull. I thought pressure would help so I squeezed hard. The kids got scared of my voice and pedaled like hell down the street, crying cuz they probably thought I was insane. 

The ringing was an ocean that felt thick yet without density. It was sterile and formless, I couldn’t tell any sense from another. Everything in existence was piercing, white, loud. I knew I was on the ground outside my apartment, but I couldn't place the feeling of actually being anywhere. Sometimes, when I sit on a couch too long, my limbs will start to feel like they’re part of the couch and my vision tunnels towards the TV or whatever. I start to feel, like, further back than I really am. If that makes sense. It was like that, but with absolutely everything that I can see or feel, or hear or touch. It’s like an endless valley.

Maybe not everything though, I could’ve heard a voice near the end of the white out. It didn’t sound like a language though, it sounded more animalian or something. If not animalian, something more…natural, than a human voice.

Part 4

During my white-out I couldn't really think. I was really only able to think about how it felt afterwards. It felt like I was in a coma or something. I didn’t really look at my phone when I was in the car, so I didn’t notice what time I collapsed. But it seemed like the sun was further in the sky when I came to. I hope I wasn’t out too long. I really don’t want to get kicked out of this apartment. My head feels fuzzy and thoughts aren’t coming to me so easily right now. I think I'm just gonna chill and watch some TV, probably still need to recover from the hospital anyway. Gotta get snacks and shit before I loaf out.

I looked in my cupboard and saw a sticky note from Mom: 

“Hi, Honey! I hope you got home ok! Give me a call as soon as you’re in, ok? I stole your keys and put all your favorite snacks in the cabinets and frozen meals in the freezer! Stay home for a few days ok? No work? Also, clean up the WEED and BEERS. What kind of girl is going to spend the night with that smell? Ok, enough griping. 

Love you!”

-Mom

Oh fuck yeah. I can’t believe she remembers I love Andy Capp’s. She’s always shit talkin’ me but she’s the best. I grab the chips and a beer and hit the couch. She’s right, I’m fuckin gross dude. I should really clean this place up, I could probably start a spider habitat here. I’ll do that in a bit, I really should sit down for a second. My legs still feel like jelly and I’m kinda foggy. The cushions are all I need right now. I stand in front of the couch, stretch my arms out like the chilled out christ figure that I am and just…plop…Fuck, that feels good. The couch, a beer, some snacks, and some weed after a hard day is better than any sex in the world and I’ll be a purist on that one. Die on that hill. Yup. The condensation on the can makes me feel like I’m in exotic lands, baby. Fuck, that tastes good. I turn the cable on, streaming seems like too much work right now. I am so surprised MTV is still around, or that they’re still called MTV. Martin is on VH1 right now, hell yeah. Get me a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious, and some skittles. I feel like watching Bad Boys.

I got halfway through the bag of chips when my doorbell rang and sent me back into the pearl void. That ring resonated into a fine point that penetrated any walls I had in my head. It broke me down. I can’t feel anything, everything is jagged snow. Barely holding thoughts… Heari-.. Some. can’t….Agh–..nnn…him.him..him.you.him..you.you…….who– WHO A….That.. noise..I…so fucking beau…WHOO ARE YOUU?!

Part 5

The world goes from white to black, then slowly blooms. I’m on the carpet on top of a now soaked up puddle of beer and a crushed up bag of chips. What the fuck am I gonna do about this?! I can’t even drink a beer and watch TV without being almost killed by this shit! Obviously I gotta take out all the bells and alarms; smoke detector, door bell, phone on vibrate, all that. Fuck! Should I just post a sign on the door? People are idiots, they don’t read signs anyway, fuck that. Nah, I’m taking this shit down. I don’t care anymore. I need to soundproof this place. I spend the next hour doing just that and then I feel safe enough to chill a bit. I step into the bathroom for a long hot shower on the dime of the landlord, he sucks so fuck him. I’m so pissed, man.

The shower turns on with a little rattle and then starts to whine. My heart jumps out of my chest and I scramble to run away from the noise that I think is going to follow it. My foot gets caught in the shower curtain, jerks me downward and I–.

I come to with a throbbing head, I’m zoned out but the shower is still on. My eyes slowly refocus and my ears recalculate. “no..no.no…NO FUCK! NO PLEASE!!” I hear myself whimpering, losing a sense of who I am for a moment.

 The whining shower head gives me no chance and I’m plunged in it again. I just want peace. Death would be better than this. The whine becomes my world. Sharp white angles bent inward on other sharp white angles create a reality that’s invisible but feels harsh and violent, directed even. Precisely towards me. Is this my world? I think it must be. It feels like I’ve never known anything else, what could a memory be in a place like this? If I had memories, I feel them mingling and folding in on each other to make one mesh substance. I know I have been here before, though. I know this place. I think I’ve been here for some time.

There it is. I hear something other than the ring, it’s a crackling maybe. Or maybe something blowing up or expanding. It’s very dense, very fast approaching from a long way away. I don’t think I can be scared of what it is anymore. That sort of mindset isn’t a part of me anymore. Whatever that is, is however, a part of me. My world of a single shade is a part of me. I need to know this other thing. I wait for it to come closer. It takes a while. I don’t really feel the pain anymore, I don’t think. Don’t feel much of anything, just anticipation. 

It’s here!! I can finally hear it! It’s warm, burning. Not a memory, this is new. New, and burning, and bright. It’s overwhelming, makes me feel and smell and taste everything and the nothingness of everything. I’ve never really known what any of those sensations truly meant until just now. Everything I’ve ever heard in my life, this sounds just like that, all in one. Everything that could be heard and translated into love is here, everything that could be hateful I hear along with it. I think it is everything. That’s why it’s not human, why it’s not exactly natural. It’s everything that could be or couldn’t be heard at any and all points in time. It makes my heart disintegrate as I try to recognize my place in this grand song. I’m here, there, and also not. I can’t recall where it stopped or if I believe it will ever stop. It seems like it would be impossible to see it while merely being a part of it, but can I observe the thing if I am the thing? I believe I am. I believe I must be. I must be. I can’t go back into the dark. This is where I stay. Measures and patterns of non-existence swim in this space and there is no use for claiming the title, “I”. It’s no longer suitable. 

A thought turns into a fragment and then seems very, very far away.

#cosmic horror #short story #ears #condition #fear #god