#mostly bc mental illness fucks me up and whatnot

[daily-ink-mk]

"hey where you goin, guy?"

WELCOME TO MY MENTAL ILLNESS THE somewhat DAILY INK MK BLOG !!!

ive been wanting to make smth like this for a while on twt but alas ive been nerfed by twt and it wont let me make new accounts 💔

anywho!

stuff about this thing !

but first, navigation:

#screenshots : screenshots from the show

#gifs : gifs from the show

#clips : short clips from the show

#meme'd : memes. drawn or screenshots with funni text and whatnot

#art : reblogs of ink mk art

#texts : reblogs of anything that has ink mk but isnt in illustration form (fanfics, theories, etcetc)

#response : responses to asks :D (you can ask anything btw <3)

#admins art : my art of them :)

#admins texts : anything i made that has ink mk but isnt in illustration form

#not inkmk : just your one and only admin being silly bc i can :3c

i will be posting/reblogging anything that has Ink MK in it once everyday or whenever i remember lol

things that will be posted consists of:

Screenshots

gifs

clips

art

drabbles

random things i thought of with inkay lol

reposts from other social medias with credit (only with permission from the original artist) (maybe. idk maybe i wont repost shit lol we'll see..)

this is just your average daily character posting blog so yeagh 💙

BTW i wont be reblogging anything thats full on NSFW ! suggestive stuff i might but no straight up porn lmfao

DNI:

unfortunately every fandom has weirdos in it so if you fit into these criterias then youre not allowed to interact with this blog !!

basic dni criteria

homophobic/xenophobic/transphobic/all the bad kinds of phobics.

proshippers can go kay why es <3

if you ship mk with:

sun wukong, macaque, ink mk, nezha. (yes these are proships you idiots.)

lotuspeach shippers (sun wukong x nezha)

if you ship nezha with any of the main cast actually.

idk what else but i'll block anyone deemed bad to me <3

About admin (if you care 🙄/j)

Names: Emkay / Aiden (or just my user, Cheez_cuits ! )

pronouns: he/zhe/rain/sun/they

age range: 14-17

Transmasc, Bi , AroAce , Ambiamorous

SEASIAN WOAGH !! 🇮🇩🇮🇩🇮🇩🇮🇩

Otherkin !!

i have massive social anxiety 💙

i like to draw :3c (mostly inkay💥)

NEURODIVERGENCE

#1 ink mk fan (real) (not fake)

my main blog is @cheez-cuits :3c

i am your sole admin so if i dont post its mostly coz im busy 💔

but dw im sure that wont happen alot bc i am Mentally fucking ill about this mfker 💙💙💙💙💙

#FIRST POST LETS GOOO #my life long dream of having a daily inkay gimick acc is real. #i am so happy i will explode. #/stim #BTW !! i am very busy with school rn so yeah !! scarce posts !! #inky mk #lmk ink mk #ink mk #monkie kid #lego monkie kid #lmk

[rosykims]

ok so heres an obligatory twc/detective oc infodump since i was up til 2am last night feverishly thinking abt Her

(tho um disclaimer i literally have just started so i know less than nothing abt anything lol)

her name is beatrice maddox ! but her friends/the whole town just calls her triss. hearing her full name just makes her feel like shes in trouble Unless its ava saying it and then shes 😳😳😳😳

shes bi ! aaaaand nobody is surprised in the slightest lmao ! she dated bobby and im ..... considering doing the n/a love triangle route tho i kno nothing abt it. definitely going to end up w ava tho bc i cannae resist

tattoos. EVERYWHERE. a couple are meaningful, but for the most part??? absolutely nonesensical 🥰 her tattoos were very carefully chosen to represent and Symbolize that she is Cool and Bisexual and Hot. thats it ✊

her personality is.... ok im not gonna try with the whole canon stats thing but she's very cheerful ! in a sort of Cool and casual and lighthearted way. maybe a little too lighthearted, almost as if it maybe.... it was a little forced 👀

shes a realist as opposed to an optimist/pessimist , but she tends have an ironic/lighthearted sense of humour that makes her seem a lot more silly than she is i guess? in truth, outside of like surface level warmth and extroversion for the sake of saving face, shes actually very reserved and awkward. i mean, she IS genuinely a very warm person, but theres a lot of darkness she tends to keep very deep inside herself, that virtually nobody has ever rly seen from her. shes the type of person who's GREAT at like, first impressions and having dozens and dozens of amicable aquaintances, but she rly struggles to form close friendships bc shes quite aloof and eccentric, sometimes says stuff that makes her sound callous, keeps a LOT of secrets and... hates opening up to ppl authentically lol! for reasons i'll get into!

she progressed thru her education and career stuff really quickly mostly due to being a gifted child ! obviously tho that means she also has gifted child syndrome lol. while she still excels professionally and on the surface she seems very functional and cheery and put together, her personal life has rly suffered bc of burnout and anxiety nd whatnot. emotionally shes not at the same place as others her age and shes just. very caught up inside her own head i guess and has a LOT of trouble relating to others, tho she's aquaintances/friendly with most everyone in the town. longterm relationships are VERY hard for her.

so. im already editing canon lol which is very on brand for me and it might not work idk !!!! but my lore for her rn is when she was a child, like 8 or 9, she um witnessed a murder/a body being discarded in the woods. it REALLY fucked her up.obviously. she was a kid and alone at the time and when she got home she was so ????????¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ abt it that she didnt tell her parents or let anybody know. at the time she still didnt rly understand what she saw, or at least didnt know how to handle situations like that bc literally Who would, but it still keeps her up at night, and shes still plagued by guilt and fear over it. the murder was never reported and nobody ever discovered anything, so sometimes she convinces herself that what she thinks she saw didnt actually happen ..... she rly doesnt know ! and it scared tf out of her !

that whole deal lead to her becoming uh quite morbid ! she was still a bright happy kid, but death sort of became like.... a n interest of hers, as well as criminals and finding out stuff. im still not sure if her focus is gonna be on detective work primarily or on science, ill maybe decide after my first playthru. anyway she never did anything that was like an actual red flag or anything xbxjsksms but she was just a Weird Girl growing up after that. she'd watch a LOT of true crime and read everything she could get her hands on and absolutely would have annoyed the shit out of all the detectives at the station.

speaking of annoying cops, shes also a reformed Rascal teenager. she was VERY rebellious as a kid, again mostly bc of Trauma, and was basically the loveable bane of wayhaven's existence for a good four years. again, she was mischievous but not in a malicious/dangerous way, but she definitely would have seen the inside of the station's jail cell a few times for like..idk. egging houses, graffiti, maybe weed idk ! just girly things! she ended up mellowing out soon afer highschool but shes still cool enough to have arm sleeve tattoos so u kno she still absolutely passes the vibe check

last point abt the murder but ! that event basically got repressed pretty quickly after it happened, she does not talk about it EVER, not to anybody. literally not a single person on earth knows what happened that day except her and the possibly-not-real-killer. and, while its sort of filed under the "Dont Consciously Think About This Ever" section of her brain, she obviously is haunted by it and has nightmares consistently, and its basically what inspired her to become a detective in the first place. bc its not so much about Seeing it that affected her so much as... not knowing who did it, not knowing what happened, and not being able to stop it. so much of her life after that was spent of Figuring Everything Out as like a coping mechanism, which obviously put a lot of pressure on her and strain on relationships, but it makes for great detectives lmao !

she is a hugely active person and needs constant mental simulation bc she genuinely hates quiet, and being left alone with her thoughts and memories. living alone sucks for her, so she usually has to play music as soon as she gets home, needs to go to sleep w music, needs to drive with music.... and driving is the worst. she sort of.... goes thru life feeling very ghostlike ! like shes living in a verh different world to everyone else. like shes waiting for something terrible to happen in every waking moment - its mostly practice that allows her to hide it with lightheartedness and jokes and deflective warmth, bc otherwise she'd go crazy !

i'll add more to this when i know more but if u read all of this i love you so much and you deserve a medal. im actually shocked im getting so into this already like i RLY didnt think i would

(ps her pinterest is a work in progress but it's here if anyones interested!)

#oc: triss #i love her so much already i love her so damn much #also i mentioned previously but her faceclaim in adelaide kane!!!!! #so like. bubbly but in a Hot way

[janiedean]

I was just wondering what do you think about posts that excuse Cersei's behaviour because she's mentally ill, or that if you critique its because your ableist and hate mentally ill people? Or some variation/combination of the two? Like it just bugs me in general when people automatically excuse and even justify horrible, violent and abusive behaviour just because someone's mentally ill, particularly as someone whose been on the receiving end of that behaviour from mentally ill people.

... I think I’ve made my opinion clear, but very briefly and hoping that I don’t unleash the kraken:

c.’s issues could have been solved if someone had sent her to a child psychologist before the age of then in modern au. period. because someone who grows up not having a shred of regret over having thrown a supposed friend in a well when they were twelve over a menial thing either should have had a completely different upbringing or should have gotten therapy. which doesn’t exist in westeros, but anyway, when discussing c’s issues that’s the crux of the matter;

c’s issues also hurt other people and I’m not talking about j., I’m talking about everyone around her or mostly, and the point is that the moment someone’s issues also mean hurting others... your freedom ends where others’s starts. assuming that her MH issues mean that she’s justified in behaving the way she does means that having MH issues is a free out of jail card for hurting others, which... it’s not;

spoilers: all three lannister siblings have mental health issues. same as like, 90% of the characters in these books. I’m 99% sure that the only two POV characters who doesn’t have issues that would require immediate therapy are davos (and he’s lost four kids, he has his problems) and asha, probably, and asha is just... very functional but it’s a miracle she came out like that considering her background. everyone else has issues over issues to different degrees, so... at this point disliking anyone in these books with this reasoning would mean hating mentally illy people while at the same time 85% of the characters you like most likely also have mental health issues and I’m talking just that, because I mean... if someone likes bran and not doran or viceversa I’m not going to assume that they’re ableist since both characters are disabled and both can’t walk, but most likely it’s just a personality preference, so saying that if you don’t like c. it’s because you hate mentally ill people or are ableist to me is ridiculous because like... I don’t like c. and my top five has three pov characters who have obviously mental health issues up the wazoo and one who most likely had plenty (and two out of those five also have become physically disabled as well during the series), I have gone to therapy for a damned long time myself and I hate mentally ill people now just because I don’t like a character who has MH issues? sorry but that’s like... ridiculous. you’re allowed to not like some characters because their personality is not your thing regardless of the issues they have;

also: again, c.’s issues hurt other people. those other people have no obligation to stick by if they feel like it’s detrimental to their health, same as no one has an obligation to stick by someone who is detrimental to their MH or well-being and also has no intention of changing/is aware of that. like, I can get behind wanting to support someone you love whose behavior hurts you who has realized it and is getting help/is actively trying to get better, but if that person doesn’t care or isn’t aware then no one has an obligation to stick by if it hurts them, so assuming that people who don’t like c. or whoever else or that characters in the books should stick by c. because of her issues if it hurts them is imvho not a thing people should even bring up because it implies that people have an obligation to excuse actions that are hurtful when the person who commits them has no interest in getting better, so... nah;

also there’s critique and critique and disliking a disabled character doesn’t automatically make you ableist same as disliking a woman doesn’t make you a misogynist, but like, going outside cersei: people can dislike tyrion just because they don’t gaf about him or because they don’t like the character or because they don’t find his personality that charming, but the moment the criticism turns into calling him a monster or joking about his height or basically sounding like tywin when he talks about tyrion then it’s definitely ableism and to be quite honest when it comes to tumblr there’s a lot more ableist critique thrown at tyrion than at cersei, because the ten of us who dislike her openly do it because she’s terrible while recognizing that she has issues which explain why she’s like that but don’t justify what she does at pretty much almost any point ever, the army of people who meta about tyrion as if he’s these books’s ultimate villain when 90% it’s because he could be in the way of their ship or say that he has male privilege over c. who therefore couldn’t have abused him (YES I had to read that with mine own eyes) and the likes most likely should check their priorities because that’s not hating him bc he’s a character you don’t like, that reeks of ableism 101 and of having skimmed his chapters (also tyrion has MH issues up the wazoo too but I don’t see people on here mentioning it). same way, one thing is disliking cat because she’s not your type of character, another is the fact that this entire fandom seems to have decided that blaming catelyn for every horrid thing that happened in these books that would not have happened had she just stayed home with the kids which imvho shows exactly the level of not-so-hidden misogyny rampant around here/directed at her specifically. but I don’t think that everyone who hates cat is misogynist or does it because of misogyny, I just think that a lot of fandom bias against her is... very misogynistic;

to sum up the above thing, considering that c. is also straight up written as a negative character and grrm has said time and time again that it’s her point in the narrative, assuming that someone would dislike her just because she’s MH is pretty much fried air as we say here because given what she’s pulled up until now, I think that she has enough of a CV that people have more than enough reasons to dislike her without bringing her mental health into account. because her issues might explain why she’s like that, but they don’t justify for shit anything she does, and if that’s valid for knowing why theon was the way he was in wf but doesn’t justify him killing the miller’s kids, knowing why jaime pushed bran but doesn’t justify it, knowing why sandor doesn’t disobey ethically horrid orders but doesn’t mean he hasn’t done pretty fucked up shit etc., then it’s also valid for c. and I really would like for characters to be judged evenly, thanks.

also: everyone has their limits when it comes to understanding/explaining where a person committing wrong actions comes from. if people can relate to c. and/or see themselves in her issues and have compassion for her, that’s their prerogative and I won’t go bitch at them for it same as I appreciate if people don’t bitch at me for having compassion for theon or sandor or jaime or whoever else. but at the same time assuming that everyone has your standards is ridiculous. for me c. was irredeemable after she basically went and laughed about the red wedding/thought she was so much better than cat because cat went insane after seeing robb die because to me people finding the red wedding funny or hilarious or well-deserved is the ultimate thing that will make me stop caring about them. if for someone jaime having pushed bran out of the window is irredeemable as long as they don’t come to me complaining about why I don’t think it is, it’s their prerogative.

but assuming that all of us need to find c. redeemable or understandable or relatable because people who like her do is ridiculous because you can’t expect anyone to relate to your favorites just because you do, and calling out the social justice card is ridiculous because fictional preferences are what they are and you can’t force yourself to like someone you despise just because they belong to X category - I wouldn’t tell people they have to like jaime because he has ptsd nor I’d expect them to be automatically ableist if they don’t gaf about jaime either way and don’t make jokes about him losing his guts with his hand or about how he’s the stupidest lannister, I’d expect people wouldn’t tell me I have to like c. because she has MH issues or whatnot. because there’s plenty of reasons to dislike c. and none of them have to do with her MH and most of her have to do with her abusive behavior.

also, last thing: the one time I actually met someone who was a self-proclaimed ‘I empathize with cersei on a personal level’ person, after three days in which they were an asshole to everyone in the group we were, the moment I called her out on it after she had been even more of an asshole when someone else tried to discuss it reasonably, I got backhanded in the face twice for it. now, I handled it and tbqh I didn’t mind it half as much as I could have because I didn’t gaf about this person and barely knew them. I also know that this person had issues (and later went to therapy so good for them), but as much as I could sympathize with her issues, forgive me if I don’t really think I want to see again someone who barely knew me and saw fit to hit me in the face twice. now, am I ableist for that? I really don’t think so. it’s the exact same principle. someone else might have had another reaction to it, but I’m not obliged to give them a second chance since they hurt me first and no one would say I’m ableist for it. it’s the exact same argument just brought to fictional level. one thing is disliking a character because of their issues only (ie theon and the castration jokes), another is disliking them because you think they’re boring and/or they’re not your kind of character.

and people need to realize that their favorite character can’t be everyone’s favorite character statistically. like. none of our faves are automatically everyone’s faves and that’s fine because that’s how the world works. *shrug*

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #mental health cw #anti-cersei #anti-cersei lannister #janie rants #*shrug* #Anonymous #ask post

[insanityisfine]

Read your intake on the psychology post and the thing with psychiatrists is the reason WHY I refused to seek one, and referred myself to therapists always (even told them that right off the bat and they were super understanding, especially when I explained I'm very... permissive to addiction). About the last group: fun thing, as someone outside of psychology, I meet A LOT OF wannabe psychiatrists, ppl who say 'psychology is my passion' and it usually stems from a) they suffer from something 1/2

2/2 hardcore, or B) they know someone who suffers from someone hardcore (I'm talking about the non-functional level of mental disorder). And they ALL have something in common: they think Freud was right about everything. Dead clear, every single one of them jacked off to Freud. My ex for example. I once told him 'you know Freud has been widely disproved, right' and he blinked confusedly and said 'but the unconscious exist' and BITCH YOU'RE NOT A THERAPIST BC YOU TAKE 30 PILLS A DAY /rant over

Me: sees someone praising Freud

Also me:

So...

Tea time here, from an insider: people who say “Psychology is my passion”, just like this, like, with no more details, just this. Are in very. Thin. Ice.

It’s like that meme about those guys who “really relate with Tyler Durden or the Joker”. Be very, very careful.

BONUS FACT! HOW does one weed them out, you ask?

Why, ask them about everybody’s favourite mother-lover, Sigmund “my father left me my step-mother in his will” Freud!

If they say anything other than “man,that guy sure had issues! It’s a shame too, he seemed to be on the right path for a while there, actually talking to the patients and whatnot.” BITCH RUN!

You don’t have to study psychology in depth to understand how full of shit he turned out to be. And the main reason he’s so frustrating to me, is that 

HE! HAD! POTENTIAL!

This man. He had the revolutionary idea of asking the women afflicted by hysteria (nowadays we know it’s not a real thing, but let’s use the language of those times) how they felt, and what exactly they were feeling. 

CUE COUNTLESS MONOCLES DROPPING IN UTTER FLABERGASTED SHOCK!!!

This dude. He dared to mention sexual topics in a time where no one, ESPECIALLY WOMEN was allowed to even THINK! about such things.

This guy. He was, oddly enough, humble, to the point where he actively encouraged people to try and dispute/disprove his theories! And he congratulated them when they did! 

THIS BITCH! Had such a deep friendship with Karl Jung, that it caused him to somewhat openly question his sexuality!!!

But then. This bruh was also bound by the money of the people paying for the treatments, who only wanted their wives/daughters to be quiet. And while he supported his daughters studying and working, he would also diagnose women with hysteria and other illnesses, because they “worked too much, they did not have the constitution for working and thinking so much for so long”. I’m exagerating, but you get the point.

AND HE JUST COULDN’T KEEP QUIET ABOUT OEDIPUS! OH NO! THIS GUY! THIS GUY PANICKED WHEN PEOPLE STARTED QUESTIONING HIM ABOUT THE FEMALE VERSION OF OEDIPUS COMPLEX! AND HE JUST SPAT OUT THE FOLLOWING more or less:

“While the boys usually grow out of it, the girls will always have this,up until the point where they birth a child.“

BITCH!?!!????

People in psychoanalisys still worship him, even if the workframes are slighty different nowadays. Mostly due to his daughter, Anna Freud, and his disciple, Melanie Klein, following in his footsteps. (Even if these 2 had such BEEF with each other that TWO lines/schools of psychoanalisys exist TO THIS DAY!!!)

But usually we just learn about him, because, crooked as it was, this guy was a fundamental pillar in psychology.

And now! Onto the FOUR words! That launched me into ranting, because oF HOW FUCKING WRONG THEY ARE!!:

'but the unconscious exist'

'but the unconscious exist'

BOY!

THE SUN AND THE OTHER PLANETS ALSO EXIST! DOES THAT MEAN GEOCENTRIC THEORIES WERE RIGHT?????

*X-FILES MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY*

Also, that argument just...it honestly just REEKS of someone understanding the difference between conscious and unconscious thoughts, without knowing what those terms actually mean according to Freud.

#insanityisfine #momo-de-avis #psychology #FREKING FREUD

[lysitheaioandeuropa]

ALL THE MYTHOLOGY ASK BINCH

i can’t believe this is from a month ago lol

Anubis: How do you feel about death?- I’m not quite sure you know. i don’t think anything happens after, which makes being suicidal all the time a little easier. i just feel like everything stops. like you literally just go to sleep forever, at least one would hope. losing people though it really fucking sucks and is rly hard trauma to come to terms w.

Atum: What are your greatest imperfections?- I’m a fat obese binch w no fucking self control, next

Bastet: Do you have any cats?- no bc I’m deathly allergic, but i wish i could

Hathor: What brings you joy?- lmao at my old answer for this. sandy, I love her so so so much. she licked my tears away today which I know may seem gross but was p therapeutic and it helped and then i napped. i need to finish her emotional support registration bc i can’t imagine my life without her now

Horus: What is one thing you’ve had to fight for in your life?- every single fucking thing. i had to fight to go to college, fight to move out, fight to be treated like an equal to my peers, fight for simple material shit like a car and comfortable enough place. fight and work for love so so so hard. i wish i had just ONE (1)! thing come easy to me. i was kinda bright growing up but that’s about it?

Osiris: Do you believe in the underworld?- i do ship hades and persephone all the fucking way, have that pomegranate and get ya mans girl rule that underworld and be the best mom cerberus will ever know

Ra: Do you have any major responsibilities or importance?- just to pay my bills on time and not die or starve. show up to work every day, and take rly rly rly rly good care of my dog, i spoil her i know i do and i know it’s bad but i need it and you can tell she didn’t come from a god home before so she deserves it

Thoth: Do you like to read/write?- i love it, i really genuinely do. i just don’t have that kind of energy anymore THOUGH the few times i do it’s so fuckin therapeutic and i feel brand new

Arawn: What is the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done?- i guess pick up and move across the state on my own, TWICE. falling in love w my gf is a close second, as is my relationship before that bc i was fucking terrified both times. first was fear of the unknown and fear of something so new, and now was.. fear of the same, as well as.. fear of being uncomfortable, fear of starting over.. and not just my love life but every other aspect of my life as well. it felt like i picked up and threw out the whole (previous) relationship. not in an “idc” sense, but i couldn’t bear to be in same apt, the same job, the same spaces whatsoever. it was terrifying to keep living afterward. everything else ive done has just been shit i thought i had to do to get by. not confront abusers, work hard for literally ANYTHING i wanted, etc. sidenote, i also went through a rly bad reckless behavior bpd phase and some of the things i did were very unlike me and  slightly terrifying in retrospect. i feel like it was me trying to take control of something, ANYTHING, but still didn’t work.

Bran: How is your health?- physically, shit; mentally, shit. lmao. i can confidently say i am working on both though

Brighid: Tell us about your relationship with your father.- it has had its fair share of ups and downs. my father raised me as a single dad and he was great at it. i had birthday parties, i had the books, shoes, toys i wanted - even if it meant waiting a little more than everyone else bc my dad worked hard and only made so much for us both. my dad having to do all that came totally left field for him i imagine and he fucking rose to the occasion. somewhere down the line he did begin to resent my mother and i when she wandered back around, and i know he didn’t like that i chose her every time even though she paid me no mind and he was a doting parent. i went a couple years without talking to either of my parents, but we’re all actually pretty good now. my mom has made up for a lot and she’s not perfect bt she’s still trying and i can say the same for my dad as well

Cernunnos: What is your favorite animal?- pandas, otters, and puppies are god tier. koalas, giraffes, hedgehogs (no sonic), and chinchillas are also up there

Danu: What is your relationship with your mother?- i guess you can read above.. but basically it was shit before and now we get along but I don’t tell her anything you know. she still thinks I’m straight, a virgin, and have never had one (1) alcohol, deadass.  however, she’s still comforting? I wanted her to stay longer this weekend, I felt she’d help me hold it together even if I couldn’t tell her what was wrong

Morrigan: What do you think happens when we die?- first question. but basically you slip into a comfortable coma

Olwen: What is your favorite flower?- sunflowers

Rhiannon: Have you ever been betrayed?- I have felt betrayed before, yes. sidenote i hate that this is Rhiannon. 

Bragi: What kind of music do you listen to?- just about everything but fuck country music. maroon 5’s new album is rly good

Freya: Have you ever been in love?- yes i have and this shit has hurt every single fucking time, lol. and it always feels like it can never hurt more, but each time has been infinitely worse than the previous for me

Freyr: Do you have any children?- my daughter, sandy

Hœnir: Are you a silent or talkative person?- silent. I hardly talk, I’m not rly verbal, though when I have to front like I am I’m pretty good at it. but if it were up to me I wouldn’t talk at all. though there times (especially when manic) that i can go on and on and on. that was rly easy w my bf before and helped as far as better developing how to express myself verbally/communicating in general 

Iounn: How old are you?- can we not talk about my age and the existential crisis I have every time I think of it, thanks

Loki: What is the best trick you’ve ever pulled on someone?- i don’t really pull tricks and shit like that

Odin: What is your family like?- nonexistent

Thor: Would you consider yourself pretty powerful?- i am A WEAK BINCH!!!!!

Tree: What have you done with your life? What are you going to do with it?- I haven’t done much of anything. I just want to make money, pay off debts, own some pets, live comfortably.. be skinny

Aphrodite: What do you think of yourself?- I don’t think much of myself which has been identified as such a grande problem by others & by those who actively validate that so…

Ares: Are you an easy person to anger?- I wouldn’t think that I am, but it doesn’t take much for me to split on someone

Athena: Would you consider yourself an artist?- not much of one anymore

Apollo: Do you play any instruments?- piano, bassoon, sax, bass clarinet, french horn/mellophone

Dionysus: Do you drink?- I like red wine & henny

Hades: Do you have a bad reputation?- i sure fucking do now bitch

Hekate: Have you ever tried to communicate with the dead?- caucasian activities bruh

Hermes: Have you ever stolen anything?- walmart self checkout more like optional check out you feel me

Poseidon: Are you a moody person?- hi, i have bpd. (no this isn’t me justifying any behavior or whatever, but it quite literally is the reason why I’m “”””””””moody”””””””)

Zeus: Are you a confident person?- fuck no, next. i mean okay, i can be, fake confident, and i used to really have an air of confidence about me befroe but no longer do and it saddens me. petition to bring back 2k14 claudia tbh

Jupiter: Would people say that you are intimidating or fairly approachable?- I believe I’m approachable but I’ve been told I have chronic RBF and am incredibly intimidating and completely UNapproachable. my kids didn’t seem to think that when I taught though so that was cool

Pluto: Where do you think we go when we die?- i hope the underworld

Apollo & Dianna: Do you prefer to be up during the day or at night?day, i def wish i can get more done bc night is sleep time

Mars: Have you ever gotten into a fight?- both verbal and physical altercations

Minerva: Do you generally give good advice?- “dump him sis”

Proserpine: Have you ever felt trapped?- yes, mostly by my mental illness(es)

Plutus: Do you have a job?- yes, thank god

Venus: Have you ever had your heart broken?- of course, it’s broken right the fuck now binch!

Vesta: Do you like being home or do you try to get out whenever you can?- I’m a fucking SLUT for being home bitch omg. but at the same time i like traveling and getting our but i def prefer lowkey things. bookstores, wine tasting, shit like that

Morpheus: Do you daydream often? Of what?- of a lot more like having a sense of stability and whatnot. being loved completely and wholeheartedly 500% mutual healthy devotion. i want someone to invest in me

#asks #personal #inthemoodforlovee

[captain-oblivious]

so as it turns out I forgot to take my meds this morning which explains why I’ve been feeling like absolute trash

basically another massive wave of self-loathing plus bonus anxiety aghghghhghjksdlfhkgjhhhh

some next level self-loathing under the cut; seriously, this will prob be disturbing af to read so caveat lector or whatever

I think I need to pop some anxiety meds because this is really awful

anyway time for more ranting about how and why i’m a useless piece of trash who will never amount to anything

my art will literally never meet my standards. I took four years of intense art class in high school (we did life drawing and stuff, it was legit) and all my art still looks like trash. the only people who say anything good undoubtedly say those things only out of pity. why do I even bother when I’ll never catch up to literal children who draw much better than I do. also what is even the point anyway when it isn’t useful to me in my career

my writing will also literally never meet my standards. I have a novel that’s currently something like 160 000 words long and I’ve been working on it on and off since 2009 and it’ll probably never get finished. it’s definitely never gonna get published because the plot is shitty and cliche and trash

even the fic I write now is subpar; the only thing I’ve really got going for me is that I can write a coherent plot and I understand english grammar and whatnot, but that’s literally the bare minimum. the number of views just keeps growing whereas the kudos stay the same, undoubtedly because nobody thinks my work is any good. the only reason I thought I was good at writing fic was bc I was in a tiny video game fandom made up of 90% children, so to them someone who knew how grammar and basic writing works was a Good Writer despite me not actually being one 

my prose is clunky and awkward and ugly, I can’t come up with an engaging plot to save my life, none of my ideas are cute or likeable, instead I just write what I know to the point that I project hard on everyone and write something where everyone is a scientist

people hate math and science enough, and I’m not helping at all to make people like it anymore because my writing sure as fuck won’t do it any justice

I mean, fuck, I always did terribly at all those fucking literary analysis assignments in english class in high school, so how the fuck can I expect to be any good at writing if I can’t even analyze what I read??? 

people keep telling me to just keep practising and I’ll get better but I keep on practising and practising and I barely see any improvement because I’m stagnating; my mental illness is crippling me and preventing me from being able to invest enough time and effort into any one thing in order to actually get better at it

why do I even try to do anything when I will literally never be happy with my ability (or lack thereof) to do anything ever?

in school I don’t do any of the readings because I can’t focus on a textbook for more than five minutes without getting distracted. either I spend half an hour reading the same paragraph over and over or I read an entire page and remember absolutely nothing from it. reading out lout doesn’t work because, again, I go through the entire page and remember literally nothing from it. 

so I’m just sort of fumbling through my homework assignments based on what I picked up in lecture and what I remember from my undergrad classes which had similar concepts, and I have not looked at any of my marks from my physics course this semester because I’m terrified of seeing my grades

I haven’t looked up my most recent mark from my programming class either because I am likewise terrified of seeing my grades for that; I thought I was okay at programming but I was doing worse than the average last I checked

why the fuck am I even in grad school? 

so what happens with the rest of my life? I go to grad school, and either manage to get a PhD or not, but in any case, then, I just end up in the hellish job market and then eventually presumably get a job, and then I just go to work every day for the rest of my life until I retire. or die. 

and then what will my life even have meant?

I’m not gonna make any important scientific discovery. I’m not gonna found any big companies or make any significant contributions to society. so what’s the point of my existence, anyway? I’m a fucking useless piece of shit

okay so there are people who like me or whatever. but then they die too, and then what? nothing. half a decade after I die and people will have completely forgotten about my existence, and then it will be as if I never existed because I won’t make a fucking difference

or maybe I do someone a favour and then somehow thanks to me they make it big or something. so what? if they end up successful then more likely than not they would’ve ended up successful whether or not I was involved in any way. and in any case, then they’d be successful while I’d still be a useless piece of shit, a nothing

when I was a kid people told me I could get into an ivy league school or mit or something. they told me to dream big

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I almost didn’t get into grad school at all; I’d have no shot at any of the fancy places

people told me I’d be a famous scientist or something

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

my research right now is mostly ‘gee wiz’ shit that nobody outside the field really gives a fuck about and it’s certainly not gonna save lives or change science or anything like that

friends who, in high school, told me that I would probably win the nobel prize are now kicking my ass, academically speaking

so why do I even bother trying, I’ll never meet anyone’s expectations at this point; I’m no genius; I’m no prodigy; I have a small amount of proficiency in a whole bunch of areas but not enough skill in any of them to be notable in any way

I’ll never ever meet my own expectations at this point, I hate myself

FUCK

#perry rambles #shut up perry #my brain hates me #yet another long essay talking in detail about why i hate myself #FUCK

[mecha-velli]

i rlly don't think I'm self hating or whatever for thinking it's fine if someone has a preference for trans dudes... or like specifically I enjoy it? like there are lots of ways to be a transphobic creep and only some of those coexist with preference, and only some ppl with preferences are creeps idk... I think context matters. I'm more wary of pan+poly+cis dorks with greasy hair who claim not to have any preference than like, a normal respectful chaser. and like ok if someone is like mostly just into women and then likes some trans dudes (for whatever reason) I'm more likely to side-eye them but even then there's legitimate reasons sometimes. but like I think especially if someone is into men basically exclusively, and then specifically prefers trans men, there is likely an ok reason for that am I crazy? like... I don't think I am. I get if it's not for u but like... idk maybe I'll end up having a bad experience and I'll change my mind. but as for right now I kinda can't imagine that anyone who experiences sexual attraction truly feels neutral about bodies? like I think either you're going to like what's going on w my body or you're gonna dislike it. maybe it's bc I'm almost-sorta dating a non-trans gay dude (a monosexual lmfao) with a preference for trans guys but like, he didn't bring up that preference until I asked him abt it? bc I wanted reassurance that I'm not like gross to him.. and it was v comforting to know that he's Into it. but idk I mean probably some of the stuff I engage with is a little problematic idk. but like as someone who's non-op I guess I just like enjoy having my real actual body be valued. ig there's also the importance of the trans imaginary when it comes to both social n sexual relationships, but I think chasers also have a good chance of being able to engage in that.

also in the case of Boy specifically like he is also ~90% exclusively attracted to bigger guys and that also doesn't bug me at all... why should it. vast majority of dudes think we're nasty and that's a preference I gotta live with, why not also b chill with preferences that benefit me. additionally like idk. so what if someone has a type, like I definitely do. he likes boyish big dudes with weird relationships to masculinity, so ofc he likes trans guys.

also he likes poetry n writerly shit n intellectuals n extremely online people n whatnot. I'm learning the few things about myself that aren't his ideal and thankfully he is too. like I'm not older n more mature than he is; we're both working out how to be good to other ppl. but at least I'm at a place where I can hopefully meet him where he's at and we can both challenge each other to grow. I also don't know much about jrpgs. we also seem to have pretty different perspectives on sex but I, at least, am incredibly refreshed by his approach so far. there are probably other ideals which I shall shatter, but I hope they are also manageable human flaws rather than irreconcilable differences lol. still hoping he's not a scary evil person, and that I am also not a scary evil person. would really like it if neither of us destroyed the other.

talking with him abt my past and some of the stuff going on there and he is seeming to be quite understanding... but also there appears to be a similar darkness in his past which I am concerned about. if someone hates him the way my exes hate me, either he also met a real lunatic or... maybe he did something real bad. I'm scared for that conversation. he mentioned kinda taking advantage of his last bf and that does alarm me a bit even though he seems to be actively trying to grow in the wake of that.

I can't believe at first I was gonna post some of this to my main lmao girl u crazy for that one. speaking of crazy. he seems to be continually undaunted by my mental illness stuff but I wonder if he really has a handle on what all that means. does he reckon himself to be a saviour of sorts? does he think he's some shining white knight? like he's gonna idk... idk man. and like I was honest with him that one of the possibilities that excites me about pursuing a relationship with him is that he seems to provide some kind of room to heal. he is so gentle with me and like assertive and capable of having difficult conversations without shutting down (at least so far). but like I don't see him as a white Knight. I see him as a person that I can pursue emotional health and wellness with, without endangering myself hopefully. but what does it mean for him? what kind of growth does he see for himself in me? does he just see me as an opportunity for him to learn how compassion and ethics and principles work? bc I wouldn't like to be the person who taught him how to love lol...

I hate that I'm thinking so damn far in the future. like I'd like very much for him to be se great guy but I already feel myself clamping up and convincing myself that he's the only person who could be attracted to me. I have to actively remind myself that there are several people who are and have been attracted to me. and there will be many more. chances are that this relationship will not last forever, even if I'm already in fucking ltr mode mentally. I'm trying to predict what the problems will be so that they won't surprise me when they come.

possible problems: he or I meet someone geographically closer + fall in mad passion with them. I scare him away by broadcasting too many of my breakdowns to him, especially if I share my suicidality/true crime obsession/belief that I'm an evil sociopath/ whatever, and just generally be inconsolable enough times until he's worn down completely. I make fun of him and get too mean about it. he turns ace and I start fucking random dudes. he becomes emotionally unavailable and I become needy. he has problems that I can't solve. I never get over my awkwardness about his pain bc I can relate to almost none of it. he decides pussy isn't for him anymore. he drifts too far from gay boy gender-wise and I lose interest. we end up having to move to REALLY different places for work n life. he rapes me. he can't get over the fact that certain things abt me might not go away with recovery. he can't deal with my flirtatious ways. we move in and realize we can't stand each other. we have sex too soon and he loses interest. I'm bad at sex and he loses interest. he realizes my naked body is a shambling horror. he just gets scared of my feelings and the fact that I have them. my career amounts to nothing and he gets suck of supporting me through it

I'm too sleepy to go on